Monday, 31 October 2011

The skip of Chaos, Dorian Gray, Trick or Treaters and the Spanish Inquisition

The house is not nice a present it usually resembles The Museum of Stuff (despite the pics where it looked well posh) only it now looks like The skip of Chaos and not all the stuff is even in the house anymore. Mr Beelzebub is looking after the pictures, and the house is a bit strange with bare walls, normally there are a least a hundred pictures on the wall.

Mr Beelzebub is not a great fan of our artwork, he says he likes Hieronymus Bosch paintings, and he has a really nice picture of that Dorian Gray bloke. I am not sure about that one; that Dorian Gray always looks a bit poorly to me.

Heavy Harry the Cat has been trying to sun bath under the desk lamp today but got just a little too close, so was smouldering a bit and smelt horrible, he is a stubborn cat so refused to move until he realized he might be on fire. I think I may rename him Charcoal. He is grumpy at the best of times, but is very grumpy how.

Dad was clearing The Void, the area above our living room where things go and sort of vanish, it is great to have, The Void until someone else buys it and it becomes theirs, then all the stuff in The Void can’t be avoided any longer (HA HAH Hah ahh haahh ahah hahah). There are some cool spiders webs in there, but what really annoyed dad is the mice had sneaked in and eaten a hole in the side of the big plastic tub of mouse poison and eaten it all, the entire lot. Well that is just not right is it, they had left everything else alone but that’s not the point. Mice can be very greedy and dad now knows who left the note on the breakfast table last week saying YUM THANKS ………….. Hang on we feel a bit poorly now, maybe it was the red wine…….. I am sure there is some old saying about never mix grape and Grain so maybe it’s true……….

We are not doing a grand Halloween tale tonight, lets face it Dorian Gray is not looking too good, the house is in a state of shock, so not looking too good, Heavy Harry the Cat’s fur is smoking a bit so he is not looking too good. And the mice are a bit dead so not looking too good either.  Sooty the Cat is off his food too, we think he has just got the transition point where he has been a wild stray and thinks FOOD EAT to becoming a pampered domestic fat and thinks OOO NO I Want FRESH chicken, nicely chopped up with a little gravy, and maybe a few of those nice biscuits, followed by some cream and a sardine.  Actually on investigation it may be that Sooty the Cat could be poorly, so off he goes to the vet in the morning to find out, he is turning into a very expensive cat.

We did have one lot of early trick or treaters who dad said looked like the Spanish Inquisition only they said ……. No we are English.  Mum did mutter something in the background but no one heard what it was.  

The new Dynamic Blog template design and pageviews

So my experiment with the new dynamic view has interestingly proved a point, well I think it has. On a normal day I get between 9 and say 25 pageviews when in the old blog design, although I have never worked out if that is true or the reality is, its just someone’s cat, randomly walking on the keyboard of a PC somewhere in the world. Lets face it Heavy Harry does that all the time, for some reason best known to him a keyboard makes a great bed.

When I change to the new dynamic view all of a sudden the entire world likes me, take today so far 86 pageviews. WHY? This is a simple humble diary. The eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor, OK I can understand that the world might like to read my diary (blog); because it is not like other blogs no it is somewhat unique, as the old saying goes, Try to be the prune proudly singing in the apple tree, looking at life from the other cider …….   I fear that might just get lost in translation round the world.

Anyway the point I am making is have a standard template on my blog 3 views a day or a Dynamic template on my blog, 1034 views a day……. OK blog god who ever you are whats the game. I don’t believe it.

Sunday, 30 October 2011

preparing for the Monty Christmas Window Competition, Uncle Frank and Harry Potter

I am busy, I think; only I don’t appear to be achieving that much. I am told this happens to most people and quite a lot, it is part of the dilemma of real life. Something other wizards who shout GRANDEY_POPENSPITT and such things while waving a stick about don’t have to deal with. That Bl******DY Potter you know the one, Harry Potter not Beatrix Potter or any other Potter but grand wizo Harry and his mates.

In Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Curiosity Shop, the artwork for the famous Christmas Preview is slowly arriving, and in the next week the Angel of the Norse will take its place centre stage, in the front window. It is being left to me to sort the whole window this year because as mum put it last year; the Judge of the Christmas Window Competition was an IDIOT. (I would just like to point out that any characters in this diary are entirely based on stuff and therefore any judges reading this can rest assured they are not IDIOTS. Don’t listen to mum she calls us all IDIOTS), In fact guess what.

We had some old friends in town this week who come to Monty several times a year and have done for years ever since we all lived in caves and went EEEeeerrrrrr. Uncle Frank still does sometimes but only when he feels is best to keep his head down and pretend he is an IDIOT like when he has to judge the Monty Christmas Window Competition and he spots Napoleon Belzeebub’s fiery red eyes staring at him from the ceiling of his bedroom (Uncle Franks ceiling not Napoleon Beelzebub’s) after he has given someone else first prize yet again.

Anyway I must go I have much to do

Ooooo Just as a by the way :- By the way Ian the Musical Hat Maker now has two bionic knees and will hopefully be back home soon; and Auntie Karen now hates roundabouts. She said she is forced into going round and round the stupid things because, they are the wrong shape….

last years window ,the window that lost, was last and the judge said was .........

To be dynamic or not dynamic .... I must ask the The Radical Abstract Thinkers of Cyberspace

I have returned to the dynamic views as part of a great experiment in experimenting, it is what us humans do. If we didn’t then there would be no bombs, guns, weapons of mass destruction, pollution, internet or me. So weighting up all that bad stuff, against the option of no me I think we all know which we would go for don’t we. Still we can not turn back the clock, Funnily enough though we can turn back the clock and here in the UK (WALES) we turned back the clock at 2:00am last night so that it just goes to show.  I don’t mind going backwards in time I am used to that it is the leap forward I hate it always takes me ages to adjust and I have been known to refuse to do it, although it can cause a bit of agro with the lessons in school. Thinks like doing maths in the French lesson and the like.

Anyway Just saying I am back on Dynamic views again for a little while to see???????? ....... Maybe, once the house move is out the way I will return back to the other view if friends and fellow members of R.A.Ts The Radical Abstract Thinkers still have agro with comments after all we have to stick together.

I must go see you all later 

Saturday, 29 October 2011

The Radical Abstract Thinkers. Uncle Frank's Wild Years and the man Stephen Fry again

Today I was removing fairy lights from Moroccan Lanterns, now you might be thinking that’s an odd thing to do but if you stick an ordinary light bulb in a Moroccan Lantern, quite frankly it is the kiss of death. So always use fairy lights (the LED ones as they last so much longer), and your lantern will look well cool and very magical. 

Right that is tonight’s interior design tip over HA HAH AH AH HAH haahh hah hah hahahhaha hahahahha ha, mum has just said IDIOT but quite agrees with the point about using fairy lights.

After a relatively calm day weather wise, it is now dark, the wind is blowing with wild gusts rattling through the trees stripping the leafs. So, I think we can say without contradiction, that it will look considerably more of a wintery disposition in the morning light (I was pretending to be Stephen Fry then).  

It is just as well that we managed to get Uncle Frank out of the woods yesterday and on his aeroplane to Spain; or he would have rolled himself up in the dead leaves and we would never find him. Well not until the spring, when he would emerge demanding tea with hot toast and butter.  By the way the plane to Spain was not the plain in Spain that the rain mainly falls on; no that is a plain, you know one of those things dad has in his workshop for plaining wood (thus the name plain). I think it is some sort of reminder from god to do with Noah’s Ark. You know sort of without a good trusty sharp plain Noah would have never finished that ark in time and the Dinosaurs would all now be extinct ….. ….. ….. ……AH.  

A new movement in the arts was formed today by a small group of Bloggers whose ideas and thought are mocked by the massed folk of mainstream society; leaving them to skulk in the dark recesses of cyberspace. Luckily I rather like skulking in dark places so I have joined them. I don’t think the rest of this group know they are part of it yet it may be a bit of a surprise when they find out. The group is called The Radical Abstract Thinkers or R.A.Ts for short so named because we are never short of a tale; unless we have been pursued by a farmer’s wife with a carving knife.  HA hHAh HAH hahhAHh hahahhAHA Hhaah hahHAAHH hahah hAH …

We have stolen the old saying We are loonies we are proud. Because there is a view by some that what we write is MAD.  How, just how could they????? 

Friday, 28 October 2011

the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence, Vampire Bats and TRICK OR TREAT

The new house is right at the far end of the wood, right at the end of a thin ribbon of wood that follows the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence, the source of which is right next to our new house. So me and the dog thought it was time to take a little trip to explore. There were two reasons for this. The first was that it has been a very quiet day; the second reason is I really can’t believe you wish to hear about boxes again.

The third reason is it has been rather nice and sunny today an excellent time to explore woods (I sound like Monty Python now). So three reasons why I was in the woods, although the forth one would be that the sequel to the blockbuster movie of the book; (book one) based on this, book two, so far is full of boxes, and that is not a good plot. So four reasons why no one expects the Spanish Inquisition….. Mum has said you know what again, sorry mum however I have thought of a fifth reason……. No only kidding.

 In the woods the trees are all loosing there leaves and many animals are hibernating such as Hedgehogs, Bears, Beavers, The Lemmings of Petrograd, The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth and Uncle Frank. Uncle Frank always gets hibernating and flying south for the winter mixed up, which is an easy thing to do according to mum and dad, but I think they are being nice. But it is cheaper for Uncle Frank to hibernate in the wood than spend all winter partying in Ibiza

We had a long wander through the woods, the dog destroying yet another catapult made by the Dodo’s. He says it will be the last of the year as they have turned their attention to building a Jacuzzi (otherwise known as a hot tub) to keep them cosy over the winter months.  This is the result of them getting to read a Woman’s Own magazine left in the wood by a camper. Yes you see the consequences of leaving your rubbish in the countryside. The repercussions of these acts are not always easy to predict, so please ensure you always clear all your rubbish and dispose of it correctly. Thank you.

Dam it distracted again; we made it to the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence and as was discussed last time (Yes you do need to pay attention) we found evidence of the Madman of the Woods, we even thought we heard the distant call of the wild; HAR HAR HARDY HA HAR a sound with a familiar ring to it. The dog even found prints of a strange animal in the muddy banks of the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence a strange creature with six legs …………. …………. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Anyway it got dark and we had to return home as we were all visiting a particularly famous old lady of Monty who is ninety nine today; and it is not the done thing not to visit. So we did. I did say she was not to run about in the night singing in the street and climbing lamp posts. Mum said IDIOT which I thought was a bit harsh after all she is 99 ……….. AH apparently she was referring to me.  

I have a friend, called Mr Jones.
Who is famous for his, scary groans.
And likes to wear, a pointy hat.
While dancing with, the vampire bat.
And in the middle of the night.
He will knock on doors, to give you a fright.
But at Halloween, he is in the wood
To shout TRICK OR TREAT at …………  Robin Hood.

HA HAH HAHAHH hahah hah hahhah hahhahhah hahahah hha ha ha hah hah hahah 

Thursday, 27 October 2011

The voice of Stephen Fry, Virginia Woolf and my very good friend Ian the Musical Hat Maker

I have discovered a brilliant use for Stephen Fry, and one which I dare say the iconic hero of our time would much appreciate. I have discovered that if you read your words as if you were Stephen Fry, then it is a much better indicator of what you are trying to portray to the reader. I think it gives everything a whole new perspective. The dog says its still RUBBISH but he is reading it in the voice of Virginia Woolf …. HAHAH HAHH HAHAH . Mum has just said IDIOT.

Now you are probably thinking to yourselves, this is all very well but what about the diary, what exactly have I been doing today, well erm sort of nothing. Thing is it is raining and it’s not nice wild buccaneering, head to the wind; while the seagulls hug the waves rain. No it is just wet drizzly dull grey rain that just makes you wet and is no fun and we all hate that sort of rain. So there you go I have wasted my day. but it is half term it is traditional for school children to be incredibly inefficient and waste holidays and then realize on the Sunday evening, the night before returning to school that they have loads of homework to do …….. AH. Maybe I should not have written that mum has just shouted DO YOUR HOMEWORK.  I will do that just as soon as I have got this bit of fluff out of this small tube that I found under the floor which is off  a ???? Well it might be useful (the tube not the fluff).

By the way just to let the world know my very good friend Ian the Musical Hat Maker is off today to the hospital too have his second bionic knee (OP tomorrow). This is good news and means he will be able to do his famous triple somersault while playing the guitar solo in Stairway to Haven; although because his legs are not steam powered like Pirate Pete’s he says he will be unable to run at fifty miles an hour and estimates a top speed of only about thirty miles an hour.

Hopefully Auntie Karen has had a good drive to and from the hospital. Because we live in Wales you are sent half way to Scotland to have your OP because the powers that be, say that’s where you have to go, and you’re not allowed to complain or else.  

Now some of you are thinking hang on he’s done (written) some of this stuff before and I have but there are two things to consider. The first is Mr Ian has two legs and it really is not fair to leave him running round in circles and the second is YAH SUCKS BOOO I don’t care ……. Mum said IDIOT again. 


Ian the Musical Hat Maker

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Rodin and Rodan, Jan van Eyck and thinking outside the box

Well the town was full of people and cars today, it is always the same when there is a sale of rare medieval antiquates and objeda or as mum still insists on calling it RUBBISH. There was no stuffed seals in glass cases this time so the rather strange image of last time, as it crossed the road heading off to a new home was not repeated. 

As for me I was busy moving our artwork from the walls to a safe location away from the house so that it can then be moved to the new house once it is all sorted, (well sorted a bit) mum and dad have quite a lot of artwork what with the Degas, Constable, Picasso’s, Jan van Eyck’s and Rodan (no that not right it should be Rodin). Rodan is an entirely different thing all together.  And then there is all the stuff by other artists that none of you will have heard of yet, which mum says will be very valuable in a thousand years time. ? Well that sounds a bit too long even for a young whipper snapper (?) like me, I will be well old by then. Mum has just said IDIOT, she wont say that in a thousand years HA HA HA HAHah hahaha hha hahaha h hahaha hah Ooowowwwwww mum has just hit me with the armadillo toaster now.

Then I moved boxes to a new location so we can move boxes to the location I have moved boxes from so that in two weeks time we can move all the boxes to a new location.

Talking of boxes my very good friend the Ex professional proof reader said that she thought my manuscript for book one might be better looked at by someone still in the trade of proof reading and contacted a friend and gave them a  quick run down on what my diary is about. Well they think 170,000 words is well too long and that it should be edited down to something a little more manageable and a few chapters zapped ……….. WHAT.  I think these people might just have the wrong end of the stick (covered comprehensively in book one before it was professionally edited). This book (Book One not this Book which is Book Two) is all about thinking outside the box, Blue sky thinking or as it is Blue Sky Printing. Although the print will probably be black, lets face it; it usually is. Anyway Miss Vicky I may just send my slender volume, Book One to be read by the person just so they can say WHAT …………………… IDIOT.  Before throwing it in a bin, much in the same fashion as the very nice Steven Spielberg did. And look what happened to him when he did that ……… I cant remember myself DAM. And it’s been edited out now. Mum just said IDIOT again.

Rodan not Rodin (not quite the same)

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

The cat, the boxes and the household effects sometimes called rubbish

Heavy Harry the Cat has spent the last half an hour operating the PC and it has to be said not very well as all it has done is bleep at him. The Dog is not very impressed as the cats can not do Maths, or speak Latin and he has now discovered they can not operate a PC. I think the cats might need the IT teacher’s artificial brain the size of a brain. 

Heavy Harry the Cat and the PC

 As it happens one of the things I did notice yesterday was there was virtually no one in school and it was rather odd to spend all day doing IT but I discovered today it is half term ………. AH. I did ask mum why she let me go to school on half term, but she thought I was being super keen and not being an IDIOT. Anyway because I have been at home today I got to move loads of boxes about, apparently I am allowed to do this all week if I like but me and the dog might try and escape to the Woods to see if the Lemmings and Dodo’s are still OK and have avoided either catapulting themselves to death (the Dodo’s) or leaping off high things to their death (the Lemmings). Although no one dies much in cyberspace and they are always smiling the next day, well maybe not smiling as such.

There have been some really bad storms in the UK over the last twenty four hours with loads of flooding it has not been good but it has not effected where we life in the hills of Wales and the weather has been OK here. It was quite warm and sunny today where we are, so it just goes to show how fickle the weather can be in the UK.

I  did manage to go and see what was for sale in the town hall, every now and again they have an auction of what is called household effects or what mum calls RUBBISH. But as it happens I quite liked some of the stuff in there this time some nice cool looking chairs and a few interesting Victorian bits of furniture, sort of stuff that could look good in a pirate ship. But as we move house in exactly two weeks from today; I think it would be madness to buy stuff. Well when I say I think it would be madness to buy stuff; mum said WHAT THAT’S MADNESS to me, the dog, and dad, so I think she might be right. Mum tells me that she is right and I am an IDIOT.

Ooooooo by the way I forgot, but I finished gluing all the preview invites together today too. I knew there was something else I had done, silly me

nothing much just a few moments before sleep

Have you ever wondered what to do with the old chicken wire from the Rabbit hutch after they have done a runner ........... Make a light over the dinning table with some Christmas Decs.  This is the house when it was very very tidy with no boxes it is now very very messy with loads of boxes

It looks posh doesn't it but it is not and it really is full of stuff hidden so people think gosh what a nice tidy house we must buy it, and they have and all the hidden stuff is not hidden now it is all over the place.

Monday, 24 October 2011

The Analogue Binary Computer and the Cat

Yes the Ghost Writer was in the grey office today and as always, he will insist and coming to see us and whinge about it. We don’t mind after all it is not a nice thing to do is it, work in a grey office. But the strange thing is this is what most people do these days; work in a grey office peering at a computer monitor. At least the Ghost Writer gets to pull all the computers apart and break them, sorry fix them.

When I was at school I had a look at my blog on the PC during our IT class where I write the duplicate of my diary and shock horror it looked just different enough to not be able to read the bit down the side. The Ghost Writer said only a few days, weeks or what ever it was that this can happen and he was right, we hate it when the Ghost Writer is right.  I had to change my blog from the new fancy paint job because Miss Lily was trying to spray graffiti on the side and it was sliding off.

The IT teacher is well into artificial intelligence and is working on a computer the size of a human brain with the computing ability of a human brain. He has this new idea called Analogue Binary which has an infinite value for one, (as in the number not the Queen) so that 01 can be anything up to ten thousand and 10 can then be up to ten thousand times ten thousand and 11 can be a value up to ten thousand times ten thousand times ten thousand and not just a puny three. Anyway enough of the clever bit for now  

The teacher was originally going to make a computer with the computing power of an Ants brain and also the same size as an Ants brain, but he dropped in on the floor and he thinks the cleaners sucked it up with the vacuum cleaner. As he said typical you don’t see a cleaner for months then when you loss something in the dust they suck it all up and throw it away. It is one of the reasons I never use a vacuum cleaner, best to be on the safe side …………. Mum just said IDIOT.

The IT teacher said if he can make thirty artificial human brains the size of a human brain he can fit then into Androids and then instead of teaching annoying children all day that are a pain in the backside he can teach them instead. I think it was at that point that the class felt he was not really on our side, so Esmeralda superglued his prototype brain to the school cats head. The cat then said For some reason I cant fathom I rather fancy some algebra in the maths class and reading a little hommer and then but it was at that point the cat spotted a mouse and in the ensuing chase the brain overheated and malfunctioned. It appears the cat is now hiding in a small hole under the floor eating cheese (Read Lester) with a family of mice shouting eeekkk Meeeeooooowww.

I know this might sound odd to some of you but I might have told you this story before. But as the Ghost Writer says life is circles within circles. 

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Montgomery Castle, the Light Bulb, and the Moth

It has been a nice but windy day and getting windier by the minute, luckily for us our house in is the lea of a hill which on the top has the remains of Montgomery castle built a long time ago about the thirteenth century I think. I cant ask the history teacher as it is Sunday and the dog is stuffed with curry and says he refuses to think until tomorrow and I should jolly well b*********** ***** ****** off.

 I spent part of the morning up a tree removing lights which have been there for years. Apparently in 1503 when the house was owned by one of the earliest mad scientists. He came up with this great idea called electricity and built something called a light bulb to show how it could be used to the benefit of man he filled the tree next to us with lights (Electric Light Bulbs) powered by electricity. Everyone was well impressed but the great Lord Montgomery from the castle had a daughter (the princess) who was allergic to Moths. This had never been a problem with candles and oil lamps because the Moths would spiral closer and closer until Puff …… ZAP and well that was the end of them. But with the new electric Light bulbs they would go round and round all night, and because the electric light bulbs were much brighter than all the other lights, every dam Moth for fifty miles turned up in Montgomery.

The Princess would whinge and whinge about these Moths, ending up covered in spots and sneezing so in the end Lord Montgomery banished the Mad Scientist to the colonies and decreed that the light bulbs be removed from the tree. Anyway I finally got round to it this Morning ………. Mum has just said IDIOT

I then spent the afternoon disposing of rubbish in the Pit of Doom with the Grumbling Child in it, he did shout a lot but then he does that. Apparently there is no such thing as rubbish just stuff in the wrong place, which is worth knowing because it solves a lot of problems. 

Saturday, 22 October 2011

The Angel of the Norse (Part 3) Stephen Fry and Gaddafi pie

Everyone is far more relaxed today. There is no denying that not knowing where you are going to live in a couple of weeks time it rather stressful and someone said that I should watch Stephen Fry’s Planet Word  in particular the episode that dealt with swearing as swearing can help us deal with stress.

So Mr Jenkins from next door very kindly let us watch it on this video recording apparatus it was very interesting and did in fact imply that by swearing you could blog (No sorry Block) pain and stress after an experiment where they emerged their hands in ice cold water.  So me and dad decided that we would try and see if swearing would help.

Me and dad started by swearing at the estate agents and then the owner of the house we are moving too, presently occupied by a nice little old lady. Then dad swore at a policeman trying to save a cat in a tree and then he swore at the cat. Between us we swore at loads of people but it did not really make a lot of difference; although we were both well puffed after running away from a large angry crowd who were swearing at us.

It took ages for dad to explain to the policeman and some of the massed crowd that Stephen Fry had said it good for us to do this, and that it was his fault. Mum said we were idiots but did say Stephen Fry would probably swear loads when he gets all the solicitors letters from all the people suing him for all the bother his program has caused.

Anyway Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity shop has opened up a new department, it’s a freezer section, he is not entirely happy about it, after all he is the devil and he said the old saying “When Hell Freezes Over” is likely to come up in conversation with smart arse customers. It is all to do with his latest product Gaddafi Pie which luckily was not on last night’s menu.

Today saw another small step on the road to a finished Angel of the Norse and the Angel does now have hands although Napoleon Beelzebub says they are not exactly the average hands for an Angel, more sort of Spider Monkey, and has given me two out of ten again. He can be hard to please but then he is the devil and he has a freezer full to the top with Gaddafi Pie and sabre toothed Tiger Prawns in Batter, as it happens the Gaddafi Pie looks a bit battered too. 

Word UP

Friday, 21 October 2011

Pie Night, Stephen Hawking and Jason and the Argos - nauts

It is PIE NIGHT tonight and we can finally celebrate the exchange of contracts for the house we wish to buy or as is now the case bought. For those who are not part of the British system this exchange now means everyone is committed to the deal. Mum and dad say that they can relax and enjoy their pies now or until tomorrow when we look at all the stuff in the house and go YICKS.

The dog, Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat who have been dealing with all the stress of the unknown by eating more food, are also celebrating tonight, by eating more food. The dog says it’s not their fault they are decadent western pets (not as in cowboys films) who like their treats they have been programmed over generations to live off cake and caviar or in the dogs case frozen legs of lamb, cake and caviar. To tell the truth the dog will eat anything really that he can raid from the supermarket or the butcher or even Argos, although he only raids Argos to wind up the manager Jason and the staff, who he refers to as Jason and the Argos- nauts. He has taken to running off with skateboards and Greek urns. And insists on shouting at them what’s a Greek Urn ……………… nothing due to excessive capital debt as a result of  borrowing to much money in the good old days. But as this is Argos, the staff just get confused and Jason rearranges the two for one high quality golden flee (sorry Flea) spay display until the dog gets bored and wanders off.

I find it odd that we have been putting stuff in boxes for weeks and the house is still full of stuff but people say it’s our own fault for being collector maniacs and filling up everywhere with stuff. Personally I think we need stuff; stuff is the fabric of the universe without stuff there would be nothing resulting in no universe and therefore no time and if there is no time them we won’t be able to get all the stuff in the boxes. The result is then a universal paradox with everything (as in everything in the entire universe) flipping between existing and not existing, None of us like that (during the period when we exist). Apparently that  Stephen Hawking bloke has just phoned up and told mum that I am an IDIOT, I think not I told everyone stuff could go faster than light ages ago.

Anyway I must go I have a pie that will become nothing in a short while YUM. 

Thursday, 20 October 2011

The house move a Mr Colonel Gaddafi and is the fabled Mondao Man buried in the burial mound.

The house move is getting well stressful as a man (a Mr Colonel Gaddafi) changed his mind in the chain and from what the rest of us  in the chain have been told, is in fact a serial puller out of house moves. Using these chains for his own evil purposes. So mum and dad have turned into complete gibbering IDIOTS, its not me this time WELL COOL …….AH mum has just said IDIOT again so maybe its me too.

There is no denying this house sale and buying lark is a right old game and that it only takes one person or as both mum and dad have called then “A lying cheating F************ing stupid ****** ******* Ba**********” to be as our solicitor rather politically correctly put it economical with the truth and it becomes rather stressful (or well Stressful). Dad and the dog say they thought they might go and see him with the flame thrower and sort of toast his toes a little but our solicitor says that it would not be the right thing to do, the dog and dad have said NOT FAIR.  What is more of a worry for me and my diary is that I will get blacked out from the real world sometime between the 4th and the 7th November and I am not sure when I will be back. The longer all this messing about goes on the longer I will be out of action.

Anyway our solicitor has been on the phone chatting as I write my tale and it looks like tomorrow might be The Day of the Long Pens when we will know if we will be in a house or a tent in a field with a cow and a few crows shouting at us. Making chip butties over an open fire (us not the crows) and singing songs round the camp fire into the dark and sticking hot needles into the effigy of a man.

Even Napoleon Beelzebub has had a little grumble now as he has to sort a pile of paperwork for a new client down in the bottom floor of his cellar (a Mr Colonel Gaddafi), that’s a bit of a coincidence; he is blaming dad and the dog. However dad and the dog are saying they just popped out to see the “lying cheating F************ing stupid ****** ******* Ba**********” (a Mr Colonel Gaddafi) who has messed up the house move and found him hiding in a concrete pipe not for from his home. And that it is all sorted now and he will not mess things up again. As mum says ITS GOOD TO TALK

Meanwhile At school they started the archaeological dig on the History teacher’s car. There is a huge amount of excitement among the archaeologists when they discovered that the car is a Ford Mondao, and there is talk of finding the fabled Mondao Man buried in the burial mound. Well call me an IDIOT but if it’s the History Teachers car then I would have thought that he was Mondao Man and he is still leaping about asking for his car back. (Just in case you are thinking WHAT, and wondering what is going on; please go and read yesterday’s diary entry. You see you can’t just skip bits out)…..

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

The Norse burial site, Viking Kings, Sven Blood Axe and the Angel of the Norse

It was a cold  grey day with heavy showers and in general not very nice, Captain Flint the Parrot says it’s times like this when he wished he was back perched on the mast of a trusty pirate ship in the Caribbean singing Sea Shanties and plundering  gold and Brazil nuts. So the day was very subdued, even when we all saw our first Christmas tree of the year. It’s a bit like swallows they fly south for winter.

It is interesting how our parallel worlds work; here I am making the Angel of the Norse for Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop on the dining table when it is not full of food. When on the news on my rather nice 1935 Ecko AC76 valve wireless they said that a Norse burial site has been discovered in the North of Scotland. They know it’s a Viking King because they were buried in the Viking long boat.

They used to do that with the King so he could get back to his home among the spirits, although they never supplied a crew or even a parrot so apparently quite a few got lost according to Mr Beelzebub in the early days of the Vikings. During this early period of Viking History Sven Blood Axe turned up several years late too see Mr Beelzebub who promptly torched his long boat as a warning to all the other Viking Kings. Who took note of his warning and from that day on all Viking long boats were fitted with radar and satellite navigation. This was quite an innovation in those days and lead to the Viking dominance of the sea, its funny how things work out.

I was explaining all this to the history teacher at school today and he said IDIOT well that is not nice; it is one thing mum saying IDIOT but entirely different when a teacher says it. I told him I was off to she my friend after school to tell him what the teacher said about his tale and that Mr Beelzebub’s tales should always be appreciated or else.  Strangely I did notice that when I left school the History teacher’s car had been mysteriously buried in a burial mound in the car park and there was a large crowd of policemen scratching their heads. What has made it worse for the history teacher is that it is now classed as a Site of Special Scientific Interest and will need a proper archaeological dig which will take a few months to do. And the History teacher has lost all credibility by jumping up and down shouting sod the bloody ********* ******** archaeological dig I want my ****** car back

I told mum about the History teacher and she said IDIOT 

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

the incoherent ramblings of a singleparent

the incoherent ramblings of a singleparent

Jenny the dog is a link to what I think is the best blog in the WORLD it is very funny indeed and If anyone knows of any as good please tell me 

The Complexity of the porthole or portholes and the new Dynamic Blog

I am taking a small break tonight to discuss my porthole or portholes as it should be, to the real world. As you all know this is a two way interactive interaction of brainwaves and other elements that create my life and in turn my diary. As mum says LIFE IS COMPLEX and that is certainly true.  Right OK back to these Portholes.

As many of you know my original porthole to the physical world was Facebook almost a year and a half ago or about that, then I stated the BLOG in Feb. I do like blogs but yesterday I changed it slightly to one of the new so called Dynamic Views (mosaic). Now I think it’s rather cool and my diary works rather well in this new dynamic view, but I do not know for sure what the rest of you can see.

I don’t know if you all know this but something can end up looking very different on different PC’s let alone all the different devices that are around to view cyberspace these days. So if possible I would appreciate your views on what you think of this new look blog. I don’t really wish to change it all back again, well not for a while until all this house moving is sorted (AAAAAAAAuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggHHHHHHH that is to do with the house move by the way).

For those of you who follow the blog and were proudly shown on the blog, I am really sorry I was not expecting this new dynamic view to hide you and it is also true of the blogs I follow I did have you listed and now that has gone too. But I thought I might create a new page with links to the blogs I like. In particular I would like to say Sorry Miss Lily I will get you linked back in to my blog ASAP ………. Partly because mum said IDIOT.....   

Monday, 17 October 2011

getting frazzled and buying an old fashioned Amphitheatre.

There is a lot going on at present what with one thing and another so I am off drumming tonight in the hills ( I have the right date this time I hope) to escape it all. Mum and dad say their brains are frazzled and are hiding under the table while the dog says the best thing to do under stress is eat food. Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat agree.

Still the dog and the cats say the best thing to do in any situation is eat, so the general chaos of our world is, as far as the cats are concerned  of no concern except they can eat loads. The dog says things have gone right down hill since the legal profession stopped talking in Latin and all the extra complications would never happen if we were buying a good old fashioned Amphitheatre. It would also have the added advantage we could feed anyone we didn’t like much to the Lions and race chariots about.

I must admit it has been a long time since we have raced a chariot about, I think the last time was through the frozen food section of the big supermarket ages and ages ago. Anyway as I said at the start we are all sort of frazzled so I am off (not as starting to decompose and starting to smell but as in WhoooooooooooossssshhhhHHH what was that? Only a bit slower). Mum cant shout IDIOT as she is hiding under the table........and its raining and cold......

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Ecstasy and teenagers with dummies, teeth, the Garden of Eden and the Eden Project.

Well last nights meal was good although there were three young teenage kids who were sucking dummies outside and kicked the door rather hard. As it happens the door was made of steel so they may be wandering about limping now. The word IDIOT seems to come to mind. But what’s all this teenagers with dummies stuff, I thought I was the Eccentric Child.

The dog has suggested it is to indicate to the world that they are also dummies, not as in sit in a Volvo and then get driven at high speed at a wall. More run at a wall at high speed and bounce off it, the dummies then stop their teeth falling out. Although the dog is fairly convinced that the hardened few who persist with the habit long term end up lying in a bed with railings like a large cot going GAGA GUGU (not a reference to the singer by the way).

The dog also says it’s an Ecstasy thing, those on Ecstasy do grind their teeth a lot and a good dummy (or to be technical A Pacifier) stops them from grinding their teeth to nothing.

Anyway today has been about a bit of gardening behind Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop and several trips to the recycling with garden waste. Well that was hard work; I am not entirely sure why I am clearing his garden for him. I know he does not like gardening not since all that trouble in the Garden of Eden in Cornwall when he got all confused with the other one; convincing a party of pensioners to eat the only  black watermelon in Britain. He told them it would restore their teeth and they would all have sparkly white smiles and their days of swapping false teeth in the day room at the old folk’s home would be over.  As it happened their trip to the Eden Project was over instead, although they put up a good fight according to Mr Beelzebub and in the end the police were called.

We have also just about sorted the invite for the Christmas Preview at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop on the 4th Nov and the Angel of the Norse is a bit goldish in colour although still has no hands yet and My Beelzebub says he wants it to be flying in the Window how ……. WHAT ….. NOT FAIR.  Mum says he is the devil and its best just to get on and sort it, I think I better get some advice from the dog. No he’s not that good at flying or the high wire act as it happens but he is very good at technical stuff.  

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Mexican Food the prehistoric caveman, IKEA and shopping out of Town

Sometimes fitting everything in can be rather hard and today is one of those days partly because we are going out to eat at a Mexican Restaurant in Mexico. At least getting there is easy I can use the Einstein Cube; It came back, it’s a long story and well we don’t have time to tell it with is very ironic considering it’s the Einstein Cube. Anyway I have been busy.

Charlie and Miss Jane are coming with us to eat they rather fancied Mexican food and so in about two hours we will be there eating YUM (when I say YUM I just mean YUM and not eating a YUM). The Angel of the Norse has had a quick undercoat with some spray paint to seal the cardboard although it still has no hands yet

I have also moved a load of stuff from one room to another room so that when we move it can be moved to another room in another house so that it can be sorted and moved to other rooms where it can then stay for years gathering dust until someone’s says we don’t need that and throws it away.  I wonder if prehistoric caveman did this;

Mrs Caveman ……. Do we really need this round Wheel (for the want of a better word) thing on the wall; Ugg (Mr Caveman)

Mr Caveman ……….Well it might come in useful one day

Mrs Caveman …... Well could you of at least made it flat thin and long then it would have been useful as a Shelf (for the want of a better word)

Mr Caveman ……….I have heard of Shelves a wise caveman told me that man will never master shelves.

Mrs Caveman ….. Surely if we were to maybe sacrifice something to the great god IKEA it would help us with our Shelves.. How about that stupid round Wheel thing you have on the wall

Anyway they did and to this day you can’t get to an IKEA without using wheels. No its true you try and walk.

I seem to have lost the plot tonight yet again Mum has said IDIOT. But men still can not put up shelves

Friday, 14 October 2011

The Angel of the Norse (Part two). Mr Ben and the 12 bore

Art today in School which was very useful as the art teacher let me carry on with my project; The Angel of the Norse for the Christmas window of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. As I pointed out to the Art teacher, Mr Beelzebub would be very very annoyed if his Christmas Window was not finished in time for the Christmas preview.

The Angel of the Norse now has a head and wings although not hands or proper feet yet and still needs to be painted up so a lot to do. I have told the Art teacher that with luck it will be finished on time and all will be well. Mr Beelzebub has seen the pictures I took and has given it four out of ten now as it has horns but he says it is not very scary; it’s not easy to make a scary angel without it ending up looking like a Vampire Bat as you will all know if you have ever been in dads workshop during Easter.

The grinding wheels of house selling appear to have taken a leap forward today and all has gone well, it’s just that the house buying is a bit is delayed in paperwork. Although our very nice solicitor Mr Ben who is a keen shooter of things that move says there is an IDIOT in the chain (none of us) and he thinks both him and Mr Beelzebub need to go and see a man about a man and nudge things along. Mr Ben says house selling and buying in his experience has always progressed much faster with a 12 bore in the office, as he says it focuses the mind. A 12 bore is an excellent method of dealing with the small print in contracts as after a small volley of shots most of it can be removed very effectively. I think the main problem is it does leave all the paperwork very raggedy, but a pink ribbon and a wax seal soon sorts all that out.

Esmeralda has now been banned from taking fireworks to school, she is a bit upset but she has found a way round this by tying her friend Catherine to the wheels on the school bus and wrapping her up in fairy lights and making her shout WooooooSH Baaaang FiZZZZZZ Crack (the noises not the drugs). Well there is no denying that Catherine does look like a Catherine Wheel particularly in the dark. I think the bus driver is a little unhappy about it but Esmeralda smiled at him so understandably he is doing as he is told.

The dog has told Esmeralda that Catherine is spinning the wrong way and she really should be attached to the other side of the bus in future, well either that or get the bus to reverse to school.  

The Angel of the Norse with head, horns and wings and no hands

Thursday, 13 October 2011

the origin of Touch Wood. The Indian Call Centre and an Orange

Sorry yesterday was not very exciting but as I have said many times this is life and unlike that silly Harry Potter bloke who is all made up and even got right moody and grumpy in the end. I must watch the last movie sometime. But I suspect from the total lack of hype it was not that good. I think in the end the series was two films too long. Its commercial greed you know it ruins stuff.

The Ghost writer called in tonight to see how everything is going, and we said with luck all is as it should be “Touch Wood”; where does all this touching wood come from. The dog says it goes back to the days of making long bows and the bow makers would feel the grain in the wood and would know it was a good bow. According to the dog he is the only one in the world left who knows so it is just as well I asked the question when he was about.

The Ghost Writer was also saying that he had a phone call from a man in an Indian Call Centre today (no not Red Indians) and it went something like this

Hello is that Mr Geddes
Hello I am conducting a survey and have a few questions
You are Mr Barrie Geddes
No my name is John
Are you sure I thought you were Mr Barrie Geddes
No my name is John. Barrie is my identical twin brother but he is a pathological liar so you can’t believe him

……………. A long Silence ………………….

So you are Mr John Geddes
So I can ask you some questions for a survey
Yes; although how can you be sure I an not Barrie Geddes the pathological liar
I am sure you would not lie to me sir
No I wouldn’t unless I am Barrie Geddes then I might
But you said you were John Geddes
I did but I might be lying

………………….. A long Silence ……………….

Thank you sir I will try again later
Ok although Barrie might be back then

Anyway he had only just hung up when a woman phoned and said

Cor Blimey mate it’s Sarah from Orange here me old sweetheart hous yer doing guv.
I take it Sarah you are not phoning from an Indian Call Centre
Crikey  mate not me mate HA HA HA Naaaa I’m from Orange
I’m sorry Sarah I must go I have a Lemon to deal with
Doesn’t Orange do the speaking clock?
Naaaaa I don’t think so
I thought they did all the talk of “At the Third PIP” ….. HA hah hah hah hah hahahahh hahahah hhahahahahah …………………. Oh she’s gone

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH. The poker made in Metalwork and loyalty points

The house move appears to have suddenly generated a huge pile of paperwork and mum and dad have been signing loads of stuff, and dad had to do  several runs to the solicitor in the car with bits of paper too and passed the school a few times.

Dad was very good because each time he passed he fired off several thunder flashes to let me know he was passing, they were well cool. It was a bit off a shock for some of the teachers, in particular the Religious Education teacher who has been very insistent that the end of the world is nigh so several large flashes and bangs and huge clouds of smoke and an assortment of pyrotechnics was final proof.  He really should never have insisted that the Headmaster repent all his sins before he went to meet the DEVIL and rot in hell; because the headmaster is sort of OK for a headmaster and Napoleon Beelzebub told me the headmaster does not have enough loyalty points yet to get into the bottom floor of his cellar.

As it happened the next mistake was to say the same thing to Esmeralda, who has found another poker now (the one John made in Metalwork). By the way the POKER is the metal thing we poke the fire with not the game of poker which the dog keeps beating me at, just thought I better say.

The R.E. teacher did plead for a bit with the Headmaster to let him in his office but the Head shouted back something about he was busy packing his suitcase for his trip to HELL and was rather busy so the R. E. teacher should appeal to Esmeralda’s better side …………. O DEAR.

We didn’t see either of them after that all day (Esmeralda and the teacher) so we will never know what happened although the dog thought he heard some screaming in the woods, but then there is always screaming in the woods.

The house move it appears is getting closer, and maybe just a few weeks away now. Lets hope the broadband link between worlds is OK or that will be the end of me YICKS.