Good old BT. The Red Kite and the Lemmings of Petrograd

Well good old BT who said they were rubbish, it not true they are really nice blokes particularly those very nice men in the Indian call centre who managed too frighten the owls and crows off the lines. They said they would, and true to their word, they have. Well either them or the Red Kite which was hunting in the field next to the house.  The dog said it’s a known fact that BT use Red Kites to improve broadband.

Yes according to the dog Red kites are very cheap to run as they will work for a few rodents and maybe some macaroni cheese on Sundays and can fly quietly along the telephone wires for miles. So any critters sat on the lines causing the slow broadband can be shifted quickly and efficiently. The only critters who are bolshie enough to stand their ground are the Lemmings of Petrograd who will shout better dead than Red at the Red Kites. Their saving grace is that they are rubbish on the high wire (I know that’s true, I have never seen a high wire act with Lemmings at a circus) and in shouting at the Red Kite they invariably fall off the line anyway. Falling is something the Lemmings are good at, as they are well practiced.  

We also have the second cat flap now in the outer back door for Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat as we found the jigsaw, so now they can wander in and out as they please, or sit in front of the radiator all day instead as Heavy Harry has decided to do. He also insists that he wishes to use the front door so we are still opening and closing doors for the cats

Dad has now hidden the tiger skin rug or as he puts it What tiger skin rug; never seen one in my life and what’s a tiger anyway, we will have none of that real fur stuff in this house unless it is joined at the seams and full of organs and roars a bit.

OK I am off now to eat my tea (dinner) it is a round tea tonight as all the component parts are round. Round meals are good but then so are square meals or for that matter any shaped meal as long as there is loads YUM….

The broadband is OK now but has been a ............

The Stanley Knife and the cat flap. Dirty Harry and the bookcase

Has the Internet speeded up ever so slightly, I don’t know but when I say slightly I mean it (ARE YOU LISTENING BT) I doubt it, GGGgrrrrrrrrrrr and stuff like that. I will continue to inform of their progress on Facebook and my blog so the entire world knows. I have been fitting a cat flat tonight because out in the wilds of the wild it is up to the individual to find their own amusement. And until I can find the things I need I am tinkering at DIY.

Mum says it is useful to be able to do DIY as one day I will annoy someone by never quite getting round to putting that kitchen shelf up. A bit like dad but as he says himself once you start to make life size steam powered dinosaurs and perpetual motion machines there is little enthusiasm for a shelf, unless it is for armadillo shaped objects such as the toaster and the magpie chaser.

As it happens most of the tools are still in boxes in storage in a room in a house in Montgomery so getting the cat flap in the door was not as straight forward as it normally would be and I had to cut a hole in the door with a Stanley knife. Well a Stanley knife and a hammer, and although it sounds a bit brutal it did work quite well.

As with the front door as I have previously mentioned we have two, the same is true of the back door. But the outer back door will definitely require the right tools it is a rather sturdy UPVC thing so a Stanley Knife was never going to work. Still the cats can get through one of the doors, only they refuse to use the cat flap now, typical.

By the way I noticed that one of my facts was wrong the other day, this is not good if I don’t use truth in my diary then it will loose all credibility and be written off as shear fantasy and the work of a nutter (as in Madman not Brazil nuts that Captain Flint the Parrot eats, he is OK by the way and singing pirate songs again at night). Right the fact I got wrong was I said we had five bookcases from IKEA now this is not true as we have six, I am sorry for this error. What with all the rushing about and stuff I kind of lost count; a bit like that Dirty Harry bloke in the film with the bullets (not bookcases).

OK that’s it I off now to jump up and down on the head of a tiger skin rug holding a I hate BT placard. I would post it on Youtube but I can’t because our broadband is very very very slow.  

Slow Broadband. B.T. And the Acme Pheasant Ned Kelly Shot Gun Protection Kit

This Broadband is not getting any faster, we are starting to feel like good old BT are pulling a fast one, I have visions of gangs of Indian call centre workers sniggering and muttering things like that will teach those British colonial ******* for shooting all the tigers just for fun. Then all those B.T. fat cats employ us all on the cheap so we can listen to the masses complaining they have no broadband. Which they only want so they can sit on their bums all day on Facebook.

Talking of shooting Tigers, the shoot were back this morning bagging the odd pheasant (when I say odd I mean one or two, not strange) Still I was at school doing metal work and mum and dad did the IKEA run again to get more bookcases. That’s five of them now so with luck that might just about do it. Dad says if we had decent broadband he would sit on his bum for the rest of the day and annoy folk on Facebook with pictures of tiger skin rugs and elephant umbrella stands. You don’t see many of them these days probably a bit non PC (as in politically correct not personal computer).

Some of the pheasants were hiding in the garden again today, so maybe they are not quite as stupid as we think. I am trying to help some of them, and I have got the metalwork class working on Acme Pheasant Ned Kelly Shotgun Protection Kits. These are very effective, as long as the pheasant does not try to fly, well let’s face it pheasants are not great at flying at the best of times. So the additional weight of a couple of pounds of steel plate makes flight impossible, and the swimming experiment was a bit of a disaster, but I don’t think pheasants float anyway, so that shouldn’t matter.

There is one small drawback to the Acme Pheasant Ned Kelly Shot Gun Protection Kit, if you hit a pheasant who is wearing one it makes one hell of a dent in the car. On the bright side the little critters can’t run out in front of you as fast, so they are safer on the road wearing it. 

Vanishing into a paradox induced blackhole and having blood sucked out of me

I have never been a fan of having blood sucked out of me, but the nurse who did it was very good in fact it was probably the best bit of blood sucking I have come across in the surgery in Montgomery. In school I was telling them about the blood sucking and Esmeralda thought this would be an ideal experiment for the Biology lesson. Although I am not sure where she got the hypodermic needle from, it was huge.

Esmeralda did have to tie the teacher down to the desk to take a blood sample and I am sure they don’t take a pint and a half normally for a few tests but Esmeralda thought it was best to be safe and make sure there was enough blood for everyone to do tests on.

The teacher (Mr Jones) seemed a bit subdued after that, so we were a bit unsure about what tests we needed to do. Freddie insisted that his blood test proved the teacher was pregnant but as some of the class pointed out Mr Jones the Biology teacher was a man. This did not deter Freddie who also insisted that Mr Jones was in fact a Giraffe; well it is true that Mr Jones has a long neck but none of us were convinced. Then Esmeralda said that according to her sample Mr Jones was her identical twin brother, so she then hit Freddie for calling Mr Jones a Giraffe, because if she and he are twins, then by implication Freddie was saying she was a Giraffe too, not a good move.

There was a lot of blood flying about by the end of the lesson, so the sale of black pudding at the school canteen during lunchtime was according to one of the dinner ladies was an all time low, for some reason most people just didn’t fancy any. And it took some persuasion by the headmaster to convince Esmeralda that liquidising the left over’s and feeding it back into the Biology teacher was a bad move. Sometimes I get the feeling Biology is not one of Esmeralda’s stronger subjects.

Back at home I have been assembling another IKEA bookcase for more books. Someone has suggested too mum and dad that they could get one of those kindle gadget things. But as mum pointed out we could either have a room full of interesting old books, filling all the shelves or a kindle and no books just walls.  Well I think we all know which is the more preferable, as the man in the garage said WHY reinvent the wheel, as it happens in his case it might help as they keep falling off his car.

It is surprising how much time writing diaries takes up but if I start writing about the fact I am writing my diary, then according to the dog, I will vanish into a paradox induced blackhole where thoughts are unable to escape and twist back on themselves increasing the paradox and in turn the power of thought required to deal with it, and so on and so on, until the gravitation force of the thoughts is so heavy that your body is unable to support the weight and you will find your self pinned to the floor by your head. Me and the dog thought you needed to know that but mum said IDIOT

The wind howling in the trees, cats and door handles.

I am rather late tonight; the Ghost Writer has been on an epic trip to Brecon to work on a computer network which has not been happy. Then he was able to scavenge a load of wood, well old bits of desk as it happens which he thought we could use on the fire. Anyway as he put it, he is well knackered as Brecon is further away now and he had quite a lot of wood in the car.

Tonight has been rather interesting because it has been quite windy. We are not used to hearing the wind howling over the house because Montgomery was so sheltered, but it is quite a nice sound and mixes well with the call of the banshee’s, who can now swirl right over the house without leaving the wood.

The Ghost Writer tried to get some sense out of BT tonight, seeing how he is this wizzo IT man only the man in India said it is far too early to speculate on the broadband because it is very windy and the cross winds blow the signals out of the wires. And of course the Owls clutch at the wires to hang on in the wind which is a know cause of restricted bandwidth, Owls have a very strong grip in order to catch little critters.

I am on my regulation health MOT so I am not allowed to eat anything until after they have sucked loads of blood out of me in the morning. I asked mum about this but she said it is a good little earner for the surgery so they like to do health MOT’s, as long as you’re not sick then they tend to avoid you. No one wants sick people hanging about in your local doctors or we will all end up sick. Anyway as I said I am not allowed cream cakes and chip butties until at least ten in the morning, just when I fancy a cream cake and a chip buttie or is it Butty I don’t know and all I’m allowed is water ….. YUK

Sooty the Cat has now gone walkabout in the wind, so hopefully he will be back soon he is not used to the wind howling in the trees and wild creatures howling at the wind. Both Sooty the Cat and Harry the Cat are due to get a cat flap soon, although the dog recons if they cant open a door like everyone else it is their own fault if they spend the night outside. He can see no reason why an animal domesticated thousands of years ago like cats has so many problems with a simple door handle. 

Steven Spielberg, The Adventures of Tintin, Captain Haddock, The BT engineer and the slowest broadband connection on the moon

A BT engineer came today to look at the broadband and sort things out, but he said everything in the house was OK. He also said ours was the slowest broadband connection he had ever come across. Well that is not an ideal situation for someone writing an internet diary of his life is it. But a man in India plans to fix it, well when I say fix he was planning to sort of monitor it.

It appears broadband starts very slowly and speeds up over a period of several days in the UK and the man in India recons it is all to do with the fact it was dark and owls have been sitting on the lines eating cheeseburgers and stuff like that. Anyway the BT engineer in the house was muttering something about cans of worms and then ran off, and mum said something about BT and IDIOTS.

All I know is BT and a house full of boxes is making a right old mess of the potential block buster movie by that very nice Steven Spielberg, who I think has sort of coped out by making films about Tintin. Oooooooo yes Tintin does not have to deal with things in boxes and BT and he has a rubbish dog. OK it is better than Lassie but really. Here we are struggling against the tides of reality in order that the very nice Steven Spielberg can make a decent movie full of new conceptual visions from a multidimensional film script with a few spies and pirates plus the banshees in the woods and he does The bloody ******** Adventures of Tintin mum has told me off for swearing now.  

And Captain Haddock what sort of a name is that he is not even real unlike Captain Nessman of the High Seas who incidentally has returned after a short battle with a monster that attacked his ship. He is well and the monster is dead. However that Captain Haddock is still about in a cinema near you, me and the dog think it is all very fishy HA HA HAH HAH HAH HAH HA HAH HAH HAH HAHAHAHA Hah hahah hahahah hahahahahahaahahah ha ha ………… mum just said IDIOT again I blame BT………. (Bloody Tintin HA HA HAH hah hahha ha ha hhah hah hah hahhah hah ha ).