The Birthday of JK Rowling, cakes and Soap on a Rope

Tomorrow is (I think) the Birthday of JK Rowling, well that is good timing because my blog is in JK Rowling mode at present. Well me and Harry as you know have had our little ups and downs over the last couple of years, as the regular readers will know, OK if you are like me you will have forgotten. My brain is rubbish these days and that’s for sure. Anyway the point is Harry made it to the top and I sadly languish in the depths of obscurity laughed at by the masses for even attempting to write anything good or interesting. 

Of course the great success of Mr Harry Potter means that Mrs Rowling is a rather wealthy woman and it made me think that this must be a bit of a problem for her friends and family when it’s her birthday. Now me I am happy with an old raggedy jumper from the charity shop because I can bum about and folk will not shout at me when it is attacked by stuff. Oddly I have a problem wearing clothing because stuff leaps at me as I pass it, so mud, paint, oil, grease, dust, nails and many other things all go OOOOOooo look its Rob and then leap.  

But if you are rather wealthy then what do folk get you well its tricky because unless you are even more wealthy than the wealthy person who is having the birthday then buying something nice from Marks and Sparks or getting a voucher for a plant from the garden centre or even a new smart phone (I hate them and don’t have one or want one) is a futile exercise. So what do you do? Well you are left with doing something very personal that has no link to monetary worth.  So as I wander round the local village market in the morning catching up on news about things like the state of the raspberry harvest this year I would not be entirely surprised if somewhere in the UK a Mr Rowling is muttering while attempting to bake a cake. Although he might cheat and phone Harrods up, but I imagine JK Rowling will notice if he does that because the cake might be just a bit too good with its spun sugar decoration of Hagrid pirouetting and holding a seagull.

Actually I suspect the one thing she will not want is Harry Potter based presents, I mean just how many Harry Potter Soaps on a rope can one person look enthusiastically at and still sound pleased thanking all the fans who sent them. Mine is the one with the wooden leg and the Parrot on his shoulder going . . .  HAR HAR HAR . . . RON LAD ME OLD Wizardy PAL HAR HAR HAR . . .  with the light up eyes. 

Anyway as it’s entirely implausible that JK Rowling will ever read this, so wishing her a Happy Birthday is a silly thing to do. But I often do silly things (well so my family tell me) so.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Miss JK I hope you have a nice day.

Pies and the Death of a Small Mouse

Hello yes I am back to write my diary and keep you all up to date with stuff. Well what can I say all is quiet AGAIN, not exactly what you want to hear but sadly this is what is happening. As I have said many times before in this diary, it is a diary and well if you write a diary you have to tell it like it is, not add small embellishments to liven it up . . . . . OK yes I do that a bit, but only a bit, and it would be seriously bad form to add more aliens that we actually see. Luckily I never do, as Mr Jones is the alien hunter, and as a serious alien hunter he sees them almost every other day . . . . but he is a trustworthy alien hunter and who could possibly disbelieve a fanatical alien hunter convinced that all the major world governments have a global conspiracy theory to keep us all in the dark, and he is so dedicated that he does this in the nude even in winter. Anyway I don’t have time to worry about aliens because I need to be on red alert for Zombies, cunning little beasts that they are……

Why did the clairvoyant cross the road?

To get to the other side.

HAH HAH HA HAH hah ah hahah hah ah hahah hah ha hah ah ah ha ha ha hah ha ha ha ha  

Ok yes what have I been up too, well yesterday we were working all out to save a tiny mouse that one of the cats had caught although they both refused to own up to this. It did rally round (that’s recovery a bit not drive a car at speed through loads of mud) but despite apple and some seeds it died last night so was buried this morning. . . . . Flipper the Mouse would have been proud of us.

Last night was Mr Kris’s birthday party sort of meal so we all ate pies, roast potatoes, peas carrots cheesecake, meringue cream and cakes and other stuff; and as there is some left over guess what’s for tea (that’s northern for dinner), YUM.

This morning we set off to one of the local craft fairs with Mrs E but it turned out to be fifty years late (that’s the craft fair not us) or some sort of strange time warp thing must have happened because all the stuff looked a bit like it was made by granny in 1948. After efforts to look like we did not wish to escape we drank a cup of tea and sneaked out and vanished off for a chat and a drink with friends and Mrs E headed off. We decided not to go to the other craft fair just in case, after all there are only so many post war knitted Santa’s and gloves a chap can cope with in one day.

Luckily however the day has ended with another seriously cool looking sunset and I will soon being eating loads of pie and cheesecake and all the Zombie defence systems are fully operational so I can chill (that’s relax not get cold).   

Time Travelling Butterflies and Sam the Parrot is Back in Harry Tuffins at Churchstoke

It was a nice day today and as I stood outside just after breakfast pondering, a plane shot over the house flying really low, OK these things happen from time to time, but on this occasion it looked just like a world war two Hurricane. That was a surprise and what was interesting about this was at the time the garden was full of cabbage white butterflies. Now some of you will say it is merely a coincidence because to put it bluntly you are a sceptical lot and some of you I’m sure have doubts about my diary, but its all true (OK mostly).  This sort of coincidence is however just too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence, to prove my point I want everyone who has stood in their garden and seen a WW2 fighter fly over at the same time as their garden has filled up with an abnormally large number of butterflies. . . . . . . . . .  You see my point is made.

But so what, I hear you type (as you do on occasions);  well as it can not be a coincidence then it can only be one thing and that is a Time Warp where our garden dropped back in time to a point where the likelihood of seeing a WW2 fighter is very likely. You see one of the lesser known facts about butterflies is they are time sensitive and if there is a likely hood of a patch of land dropping through time for a while they will gather at the spot and take advantage of the situation to go back in time to feed on pre GM crops free from modern insecticides and other nasty substances.

It has long been know in scientific circles that Butterflies can time travel but most scientists are loathed to say so for fear of being ridiculed by the masses and burnt at the stake.

Anyway after a few minutes the butterflies dispersed, and time returned to normal (I think).

Oooooooo one other small thing I have noticed that news of Sam the Parrot appears to have become almost impossible to find, as if he never existed, it is like he has vanished into a completely different time, a time when parrots were free to roam the planet eating cake and Brazil nuts in the rolling hills telling tales of pirate gold.  

Hang on just as I was having a cup of tea before I posted my diary entry I have news Sam the Parrot has returned and men have been arrested in Birmingham. . . . . . . . . .

WELCOME BACK SAM.  

     

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Tunnock Tea Cakes, a Unicycle, the Weather and the contradictions of BBC Radio 4

The day had its contradictions and it is entirely the man at the BBC’s fault on that Today programme on Radio 4 that is on in the morning, you see I was listening to the radio having a nice cup of tea and trying to get my head into a state on normality. It takes time for me to get to a state of normal in the morning, I am not one of these folk who wake up all chirpy and bouncy and get up singing and smiling, in fact I would say I have still not reached that point by the evening when I go to bed, I blame it on a day that needs to be longer. Right . . . . . . . . . back to this contradiction; as the voices from the radio penetrated my head I suddenly heard talk of the weather and that some scientists are saying that we can expect to have wet summers for at least the next ten years or maybe longer. Well that sort of woke me up, are they really serious, ten years of wet British summers, apparently it is something to do with a warming North Atlantic and the jet stream or the like and there was talk of some localized anomaly in Shropshire that so far has defied normal scientific principles.  Some scientist said for all the world he would swear someone had a weather machine but they all laughed at such a foolish idea.

The contradiction arises from the fact today was hot very very hot and dry probably the hottest day we have had in the nearly two years we have lived at this location. It is very off putting, I have been brought up to believe the BBC and the men/women of Radio Four (formally the home service) they are like the rock of world affairs the steady voice of reason and an unbiased voice among the thousands of other radio stations pumping out propaganda or rubbish or both. Anyway after listening to that I got up  . . . . . . . . DAMN I have written this much and all I have done is listen to the radio and got up…….. How did that happen? I think I need to fast forward to the end of the day

So there you go after the arms fell off the aliens body Esmeralda escaped and Mr Jones was super gluing the alien back together as evidence. Freddie and his ferrets were able to return the roller skates to their rightful owner and the council will be filling the large hole in sometime in the morning, luckily we all got out and did a runner before they turned up to assess the damage. As for the Goat he is limping slightly but it is his own fault, he was told that drinking petrol is fraught with dangers and just because a man on a unicycle can do it does not mean a goat has too, although I was impressed by the goats ability to ride the unicycle, its just a shame he did not work out how to stop it.

Oooo yes I got to eat five hundred  Tunnocks Tea Cakes in one go  . . . . . . . .WELL COOL although I feel a little sick . . . . . . . .. Mum says IDIOT

   

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Seeing a man about a dog, French Fancies and Weddings and MI6

Today has been hot very hot, this is classic British weather not helped by the fact Dad’s weather machine has a jammed transit pin in the precipitated vacuum housing, so the one thing the weather machine can no longer do is precipitate; something I am sure some of you will say is probably for the best.  It has been a funny day of not much happening due to heat but then on the other hand I did not appear to have a lot of time free to not do much in, what with trips to places to see a man about a dog. I was not really seeing a man about a dog, I am using the well known saying to imply I went off to do things that are not very exciting and thought you don’t really want to know all that so I used the old saying . . . . See a man about a dog . . . . Which brings us back to where I started?

I have eaten a couple of French Fancies today (as in Mr Kiplings) and drank tea, I also used a hose pipe to battle some sort of squidgy monster thing that was trying to cross the Zombie defence ditch in the early evening and I ate another French Fancy.

Dad was/is dead pleased today as the solar panels on the roof have generated 27.5 Kilowatts of power, which is enough apparently to bring his half rabbit half android small furry experimental Zombie cute pet with pointy teeth into life for up to two days so a few more days like today and it will be scurrying about the garden just like the real thing (obviously the real one does not have a smoky bottom and sing old music hall songs.

I do have to warn you all that I may not be able to write my diary tomorrow because I am off to a wedding along with the Ghost Writer; it is an old friend of the Ghost Writers daughter who is getting married and the Ghost Writers friend is not keen on weddings. So we are going along to cheer him up and wave at cameras and stand in the wrong place during the official wedding photos so that in years to come people will look at the photo album and say Who are those weird people standing in front of the bride.

Anyway if I am not here tomorrow then you will be reading this still, but at least you know why.

I will return, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon to a cinema near you (sort of).

Ooooooo yes apparently the security forces (MI6, CIA, MI5, FBI and the other one we dont talk about) are all reading my Blog as they say it must be some cunning code........ 


The world is full of interesting blogs some of which sit quietly in the darkest corners of cyberspace  . . . . . . .WAITING

How Marie Antoinette's cake started the French Revolution

There is an old saying that says . . . You can’t have your cake and eat it . . . .  but what this saying fails to point out is that you cant eat your cake unless you have a cake to eat in the first place. . . . . You can’t eat a cake you don’t have . . . makes more sense to me. Now I hear some of you saying what is he talking about, first he has a cake he is not planning to eat, then he says he is planning to eat the cake he has not got . . . . IS HE MAD. Well no.

            

You see yesterday unbeknown to yourselves because I did a sneaky and did not write it in my diary HAH HAHHAH HAHHAH Hahhah hah ah ahahhah ah (OOOooo no hang on I did), I made a cake. It was a birthday cake for Miss Barbara the wife of the Ghost Writer who says that if I ever mention her in my mad diary she will sue me for every penny . . .. . . . AH, luckily I have no money so PHEW. Anyway this was not just any cake because it is the first cake I have ever made. And believe it or not it is even edible I have tested it by eating loads of it to be sure it is OK I blamed the teeth marks on mice and antelope, mainly antelope as they have larger teeth.

I did have a recipe to follow but it all looked a bit complex so in the end thought as it was all going to end up in one cake anyway I may as well throw it all in one bowl and mix it up. Apparently I got wine and cake confused according to the dog and it is not traditional to use your feet to mix a cake, but the dog said it was OK because I kept my socks on so it would be fine and we could hide the bits of fluff under the icing.  That’s another thing why call it icing when it does not have ice in it, however I got round that by adding some Bisto which thickened the icing up again and gave it a nice sort of chocolate look. Dad said it is the best Gravy cake he has ever eaten and the Anchovies were an interesting surprise.   

After we had some of the cake, Mrs Ghost Writer said she may keep the cake because if we eat it we can’t keep it, and we need to remember the old saying. .. . . .  You can’t have your cake and eat it . . . . . and as it is truly unique it should be preserved as an example to show to others as an example of what can be done if you don’t follow instructions?

As a reward I got to dig a big hole out in the cold and wet to plant a pear tree that Miss Issy had bought as a present for Mrs Ghost Writer, and then was sent down into the large muddy wet cold hole to dig mud. It is not entirely what I was expecting having made such an interesting cake for everyone but on the plus side everyone said I could have more cake once I was allowed out of the hole. . . . . . . .YUM. Actually it is not the sort of cake you would eat loads of in one go and so I may need to go and lie down for a bit, we are off out later for a meal so that will be WELL COOL. I said I would take everyone there a slice of cake but everyone here has gone AAAAAAuuuuuuuuuuuggggghhhHHHHH a lot.

Apparently according to mum it was a cake just like mine that started the French Revolution when that Marie Antoinette said let them eat cake  . . . . .. WOW 

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