Steven Spielberg and The Pit of DOOM

You are all going to moan a lot but I intend to start today’s diary with a bit of weather news, yes yes  go on then all moan then, but there is a reason because here at least all the snow has finally gone. But it has not been a great day, because we started with loads of sun WOW SUN and after breakfast it was suggested that maybe a nice trip into a large muddy hole might be a great way to spend the day . . . . . .AH DAMN.  I tried the re-enactment of the film Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where I was planning to be Mr Jones, only Mr Jones the alien hunter said he should really be Mr Jones. I did point out he did not have a hat or any other clothes for that matter and he also said he was not getting into the muddy cold wet hole, as he is expecting more aliens very soon. It appears spring is a good time for aliens as they migrate north across the milky way back to planets that are starting to get closer to the geometric-centre of the universe and everything.

Hang on none of this is important, because as I was saying I was in a muddy hole looking for ancient artefacts in an effort to re-enact the film Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and it was not fairing well particularly when it started to blow a gale and rain very hard (I hate hard rain) so in the end the re-enactment turned in the abbreviated film DOOM or possibly The Creature From the Black Lagoon. That happened when the neighbours saw me heading back to the house covered in mud and slime; they screamed a lot locking themselves in their garden shed shouting DON’T EAT US. Luckily the dog recognised me, well the hat anyway so I managed to get in. Then the sun came out again but before I was sent back into the muddy hole it rained again, followed by sun then rain and so on all day long, it was very confusing and it was and is still cold.

So I have now stopped and am on strike, I think as and when I am sent down into the muddy hole again I need to think of some more films to re enact like The Pit and the Pendulum or Watership Down (a muddy hole).  . . .HAH AHHAH HHAH HAH hah ah hah ah ahah haha

I really don’t know what has happened to that very nice Steven Spielberg these days, he keeps making the wrong movie, my agent has been back in contact again although I think calling Mr Spielberg an IDIOT was a bit of an error (I’m really sorry Mr Spielberg you are a very nice man my agent is a bit hot headed).

   

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The twelfth day of the twelfth month of 2012, the Montgolfier brothers and a rather nice curry

It is the 12^th of the 12^th of 2012 or 12-12-12 today (not as good as 12-12-1212 but I missed that date) which will not happen again for a very long time. As it happens I think it will if I remember correctly Ethiopia is eight years behind the rest of the world, I am not sure why and I have not checked to ensure I am correct because it is very very cold. But I am going to assume I am right because I am right almost every time I am not wrong, and I am only wrong when I am not right.  In other words it will not be 12-12-12 again for eight years. Next year we will have 11-12-13 (well not if you are in America because for some silly reason they do their dates wrong)…..

The Sun was rubbish today and looked a bit like one of these low energy light bulbs, it even generated about the same amount of heat as a low energy light bulb, I just hope that the End of the World is not going to be an eco friendly End of the World that would be a disaster.

In an effort to warm ourselves up we are going to descend on the Montgomery Indian Restaurant and meet up with friends, when I say descend I really mean we are going to walk in the front door like everyone else, it is one of those silly sayings which came about from the early days of hot air ballooning when the Montgolfier Brothers would say to their pals see you for dinner. They would then leap into their hot air balloon and vanish off in totally the wrong direction landing on the roof of some poor unsuspecting family and say to them we thought we would just drop in for dinner, the resulting conversation would then descend into a fight because the Montgolfier Brothers would always say the food was rubbish and what is for pud.

So that’s it I know I did stuff but it was cold and stuff I do when I am cold is not exciting and I am (that’s cold not exciting, although I am exciting) I am not as good at typing either so enough is enough, another little phrase that goes back to the days of the Montgolfier Brothers when the family finally thought it was time to throw the balloonists out on their ears. Yes, yet another ballooning term, those early hot air balloon baskets looked just like ears .. . . . . . .The END

Last one to eat a curry is a sissy AH HHAH HAH ah hah ahah ahahahaha haha hahahahahh aha hah ahaha hahh hah 

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How to keep warm in the cold using Rats and Wooly Jumpers

It was a very cold day today, one that nibbled about at the extremities of one’s body resulting in the addition of many layers. These many layers may work remarkably well at keeping you warm, but it is only when you see someone else wearing additional layers that you come to realise there is a fine line between the practical and madness. Yes I think we all know who we are talking about . . . . The Ghost Writer, who popped in to say its jolly damn cold outside and I have resorted to wearing several extra layers of CLOTHING? It was pointed out to him that if there was one thing he did not need to point out to us, it was the fact he was wearing extra layers. I even removed several layers of clothing for a while in order to look normal (sort of normal) but decided that looking mad and being toasty and warm, beats looking normal and freezing. Strangely no one in school commented on my appearance but looking back on it I seem to remember that all the pupils resembled woolly balls of wool and sounded very muffled.

The Ghost Writer has told me that if you wear a few large rats under all the layers they make great hot water bottles although you do need to make sure they remain well fed and that you do not make any sudden movements. They do not take kindly to being sat on…….

It is the day after the start of the End of the World, I have to admit I am not sure if it has started to end or not, certainly no one is screaming or running about flapping their arms in the air. But then that is not easy with fifteen woolly jumpers on anyway, I just hope that the world in not going to end in a giant freeze as I was hoping for a warmer End of the World, luckily I do have a larger than average collection of jumpers due to a technical error when we moved house resulting in me obtaining loads of jumpers. I will run away now as the open fire is calling me to go and throw wood and coal on it for the evening.

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The mathematics of the crystalline structure in nature and The Woolly Torch Hat for only £12.38p . . .. Batteries not included.

It has been very cold today indeed even Mr Jones the Alien Hunter has had to resort to putting clothes on, despite his view that clothes confuse aliens as they assume it is fur and then they think all sorts of stuff can be unzipped which he says can be a little painful. To ensure that his jacket cannot be confused he has super glued the zip and has told us, that it will ensure it can not be removed by mistake. I don’t think he has thought that through very well myself. The reason I mention Mr Jones is because he has taken a picture of what he says is a digital synchronized laser probe that the aliens were using to detect intelligent life forms on planet Earth, but he is convinced that they think he is a bear because of his fur (it is in fact a nylon puffer jacket with a fur collar). The dog has pointed that very few bears are green or have a picture of Elvis on the back and the words Elvis was an Alien in sparkly rhinestones or wear a woolly hat with a torch knitted into each side of it.

I think there is a an interesting marketing opportunity there . . . . . The Woolly Torch Hat, stay warm and see where you are going in total darkness. Amaze your friends, you will leave them speechless. Communicate with aliens and look like an idiot; all for £12.38p . . . ..  Batteries not included.

What with all the cold after all the rain the mathematics teacher decided that we should discuss the mathematics of the crystalline structure in nature and in particular Polymorphism then as we drifted into a discussion on the crystallographic point group, I came to the conclusion that being cold is very complicated. But one thing I did discover was the reason why we never see Santa, and how he is able to get round to so many houses in one night, it is all to do with The 14 Bravais Lattices  . . . . . . . . . Ah no hang on I might be getting confused with reindeer.

While on that subject mum and dad did something today they have never done before, they bought a fake Christmas tree. They said that they thought it would be a bit more eco friendly rather than keep buying a tree with roots that they struggle to keep alive for two or three years before it dies. And they also refuse to buy a grown in Indonesian Christmas tree for a fiver on the grounds that it is just not right.  

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Jack Frost and the Banshees, plus other things of importance

 It has been sunny today which is not what was predicted by the weatherman at the BBC, but it has been and still is cold. As it is dark and there is a clear sky I think we can predict that it is very cold, but I will not be going out to investigate, the only good thing about these sorts of nights is they are ideal for banshees, so it would not be entirely surprising to see the occasional banshee passing the window. Well we would if the curtains were open but they are not; but I am sure we will no doubt hear the claws of the banshees as they let their talons slide over the double glazing.  The only draw back is huge claw marks on the windows which then means the windows need cleaning from time to time. It is hard to find a window cleaner that will clean windows with huge claw prints on these days, apparently there is some sort of Health and Safety sub-clause (sub-claws . . . . HAHHAHHAh hah hhahhahh haha hah haha hahah haha ha ) that states if there is evidence of claws with a greater span that one foot (Foot . . . Claws . . . . . HHAHahh hahah hahh hah ahh ahh hah ha) then they can run away.

Sadly due to events I have just returned from outside, this was not something I was planning but that happens sometimes. What I will say is yes it is jolly cold indeed and the car is covered in a hard icy frost or is it a frosty ice, either way though there is frosty stuff out there. I guess this might mean that Jack Frost will be scurrying about round the house as well as banshees.

Elsewhere in the house the Ghost Writer is trying to fix my PC to do musicy stuff, I can tell it is not going entirely to plan because he is wailing and scratching at the widows in an effort to escape from the room. I was forced to lock him in because he was reluctant to sort out an old PC with the wrong software on, trying to make some hardware work that is not designed for either the software I have or the software I should have. Then he said the PC had a missing bit and where was the missing bit, well it was obvious that in order to concentrate his mind I needed to lock him in the room.

OK that’s it I have decided to run off now, life in cyberspace is very quite at present although as I remember rightly when General Custer’s Indian guide said that to John Wayne in which ever old film it was that the Indian guide said it in, all hell let loose and there were arrows all over the place.  So it may be best not to say it. . . . . . . . . .. . . .AH DAMN. There was a time when there were loads of westerns but you don’t see them any more these days, Mum says that they may be a bit non-pc these days but the dog has said HOW

The dog is now rolling about on his back in hysterics 

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Steven Spielberg, a penguin, a goat, and a huge Steam Powered Mutant Alien Brussel Sprout Monster

I am a little late tonight in writing my diary as I have been at a preview of some interesting icons and wooden things at the little gallery in Montgomery, I was then further delayed by what turned out to be a not too bad fish and chips at the Monty chip shop. Well OK the fish was quite good and the chips were sort of OK although on both counts I have had better elsewhere. Anyway I am now thinking I need to write about my day what did I do, Friday I must do stuff on a Friday everyone has to do stuff. I vaguely remember the school mascot, the school goat soaring through the sky towards the out of town supermarket, it has been a while since he arrived through the roof skylight, so I think he was planning to stock up on fresh veg before the shelves fill with nothing but Brussel sprouts. I also vaguely remember the dog passing at speed with two frozen legs of lamb that he had managed to steal from the freezer section of the out of supermarket while the staff were chasing a goat.  And I did spent some time poking about at a PC trying to make some software and the like do stuff, but I need more RAM . . . . DAMN.

It was not a great day because it was cold, not very cold with snow and Penguins but the sort of damp dull cold that is just not nice, this in not the sort of weather that I am at my best in, I like it either snow with Penguins or some heat and sun. These sorts of days are not good for my diary, and in turn not good for the Steven Spielberg epic blockbuster movie, I cant see him filming my actor self (I am not sure who will be playing the part of me yet) sitting at a desk for half an hour saying ITS COLD WHERE ARE MY GLOVES AND WOOLY HAT.  What he should be doing is fighting a huge Steam Powered Mutant Alien Brussel Sprout Monster who has cornered the loveable, if a bit grumpy enigmatic school goat in a corner of the pet food aisle next to the three for two economy tins of dog food. Interesting arranged as a model of the Eiffel Tower by a bored shop assistant who on leaving university with a degree in structural engineering is now doomed to fill shelves with dog food; pondering if it would be possible to create an arched helix with counterweighted boxes of dried food to create an image of Einstein peering disapprovingly over the top of the pet insurance man in his little booth.

What is a worry is that tomorrow is likely to be cold with the added bonus cold rain, I do not like cold rain and I have reason to believe nether does Steven Spielberg.  There are times when the forces of nature do not help one bit. 

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