Tuesday, 30 September 2014

What is Time . . . . A Simple Guide to the Origin of Time

I not sure about you lot but in this part of the world it is getting distinctly darker earlier in the evening meaning that summer is over and Autumn has arrived. As it happened today was a nice sunny day and the fact it is just after seven o’clock in the evening as I write this (I will be eating my evening meal soon so bear that in mind)  and getting darker by the second shows us that the year is rapidly vanishing into winter.

And this made me think about time, yes this really is a Big Question today, although it’s not as complex as you might think.  You see if you think about what mankind has used as its reference of time over history.  Starting with rising of the sun and the summer and winter solstice, which is why many of the old sacred sights such as Stonehenge are large clocks aligned to these events. Of course things have moved on and we now have time based on the caesium atom which is seriously accurate, you will never be late for meeting using a continuous cold caesium fountain atomic clock.

However all these clocks sort of miss the key issue involved in time, they all are based on moving things even if these days it’s tiny really really tiny. So the point is TIME can only exist while things move, even if the things moving are tiny like atoms or electrons.  In other words time does not exist it is merely a way of expressing movement from point A to Point B.  Remember the Big Bang theory says before the Big Bang time did not exist (I’m not making this up) and that is because nothing moved not even atoms. But even the tiniest movement of a single electron (or Chicken) would create (time - movement) and the Universe all in one huge explosion.

Which brings us to chickens they understand time better than you think; what is one of the earliest forms of measuring a fixed time . . . .? The Egg Timer . . .  a device entirely evolved by chickens. And that old saying which folk can't ever answer. . . . Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road. . . . It was a way of travelling a fixed distance to access the accuracy of the egg timer, allowing the calculation of the horizontal movement of the chicken at a fixed speed against the gravitational forces on the egg timer.  It is a little known fact that chickens were the first creatures to attempt time travel. . . . OK YES they were rubbish at it but they tried.  

I may be up for yet another Nobel Prize again. . . . 

Sunday, 28 September 2014

A lovely sunny day and the rise of Zombie Mutantational LTD the decadent face of Western capitalist Zombies

OK I redrew this because the last time it turned out rubbish

Today was a lovely sunny day and so I spent part of it pottering about in the garden, as it happens I am not entirely sure what all this pottering is all about really. If I was standing on the lawn shouting Magicus cationum flybyx with a small pointy stick and a cat dressed up in a superman cape and mask then pottering would make some sense. As it would have back in the nineteen sixties when many folk lay about puffing away on dodgy substances; not something I did as it always seemed just to turn folk to mush. Folk would always say such things opened their minds to the weird and wonderful; I have to say I am not convinced as many of these opened minded folk now vote conservative, play golf and complain about the youth of today with their short hair and wearing clothes that look just a bit too small.  Then there was Bill and Ben the Flower Pot men they were about in the nineteen sixties and they were dead dodgy if you ask me.

Anyway I have lost the plot and need to return to the day which as I said was lovely and chilled. . . . . Well when I say chilled it was here but in the distance at various points things happened, yes OK stuff has to happen or the universe would fall apart and it will take ages to explain why so best just to glaze over the point quickly.  . . . . For NOW.

Yes as I was saying stuff happened, firstly those dragon flies were about again back and fore like dragonflies. Then the other Black Cat not ours got what I think was the slightly poorly pigeon, I was not happy pigeons are cool birds and although messy, are the friendliest critters you could ever chat too.  We chatted to Miss Jo and drank tea (Miss Jo is a person not a pigeon I’m not mad), I have eaten bacon and fried bread and I nearly saw two gliders. Then we heard the distant sound of some neighbours having a fight off in one direction while off in the other direction a chap was shooting at stuff well I say stuff it may have been his visitors, family and friends or pigeons, life in the country can have its moments. And our neighbours behind seem to have set fire to their chickens again, as its dark its hard to tell, but it smells like they are burning the chickens again, I think chickens must like fire.

Oooooo and I have invented a new word MutantationalS as in Zombie Mutantational LTD in others words . . . .  Mutantational is the decadent face of Western capitalist Zombies with their converse trainers and designer brain sandwiches and the like.

So no Big Questions dealt with today just a peaceful day in rural Shropshire.

Friday, 26 September 2014

ITV1+1, the Time Lords and Time . . . Mankinds big Questions

I was asked what at first appears to be a simple question about names yesterday. . . . . . . Why isn't ITV1+1 just called ITV2 . . . . . .  It’s an innocent sort of thought but under the surface lays a terrible secret.   You see ITV1+1 is in fact one of the time shift channels created to manipulate mankind, as a programme ends on ITV1 it suddenly turns up on ITV1+1. Very useful folk will think a chance to watch the programme you have just missed and were looking foreword too.

But this apparently simple and popular idea is a way to control time, ask yourself where does this extra hour come from that allows a TV channel to move programmes about like this. The fact is that these huge media companies have devised a way to bend time, allowing them to create the 25hr a day television experience.

Now just ask yourself this question what device do you use to check the correct time, is it granddads grandfather clock wound up religiously every two days that stands in the hallway out of direct sunlight. Or is it some sort of media device such as the radio or a mobile phone or a PC, are you planning to rush out and buy the new iWatch. You see all these devices with the exception of  granddads grandfather clock are under the control of Western imperialist corporate multinationals that are keen to turn us all into Zombies working long hours to produce more media devices so we can watch more repeated programming.

   ITV1+1 is just the thin edge of the wedge once +2 +3 +4 and so on arrive we will be so confused by the constant watching of the same soap or reality show repeated at what appears to be the same time our willpower will be destroyed.  We will then be Zombies forced to work as slaves eating 15minute meals and removing stains that no other detergent can shift. 

Remember the book, film, play and board game 1984, remember that saying that folk like to quote  . . . . . BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU . . . . .  and what is the device everyone plans to rush out and buy at great cost the minute it arrives in the shops . . . the iWatch . . . . . Exactly I rest my case (that’s the long case of Granddads grandfather clock which says it is midday exactly. . . . is it meant to be this dark?   

Thursday, 25 September 2014

Perpetual Motion Machines and Naked Charity Calendars analyzed . . .(PART 3)

As I stated yesterday, clearly the only form of Perpetual Motion Machine that is going to work is a Nano Sub Atomic Particle Perpetual Motion Machine, but it is never going to be any good on a nude charity calendar of Scientists and Perpetual Motion machines so ironically science is left with the only thing it can do and use those classic old Victorian Machines which although failing to perform as Perpetual Motion Machines do have a classic beauty that the working machine would lack. And they are just large enough to keep some modesty.  

However a terrible dilemma indeed for Science, as in order to produce the perfect calendar it is necessary to use a device that any scientist who knows their stuff would know does not work.  In particular the Newtonian Speak Your Weight Perpetual Motion Machine as demonstrated by our substitute nude Scientist, Miss Traction Engine 2014 winner of the Cleethorpes Spring Steam fair. . . . Scientists are never going to appear nude with a novelty machine like that.

As someone once said in a film about Science . . . . Beauty Killed the Beast . . . . . It appears Miss Traction Engine 2014 objected to the Newtonian Speak Your Weight Perpetual Motion Machine shouting out 15 stone 10 pounds. And I think I have now said more than enough on the subject and will now move on to new and as yet unknown questions of our time.  DAMN I need a new Question. . .

Ooooo I may have finally sorted a very troublesome computer, they can be stubborn things. I have noted my new idea looking at the great questions of our time is going down like a lead balloon with the punters, but I am not yet deterred, I just need a few popular issues to discuss. . . .I’m not good at popular, you should see me at parties.

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

Perpetual Motion Machines and Naked Charity Calendars analyzed . . .(PART 2) and introducing Professor Brian Cox

After craftily skimming over all the issues involved in creating the ultimate nude charity calendar of Scientists and Perpetual Motion machines I think it is time to deal with the whole subject in more detail, fundamentally getting to the Bottom (no pun intended) of things.   Interestingly there are two very difficult issues to deal with in creating this particular nude charity calendar that need to be discussed. Firstly the Perpetual Motion Machine is a tricky device to create many have tried and failed, and secondly Scientists generally don’t appear on calendars naked.

Starting with basic principles we all know that a perpetual Motion Machine is a closed loop device and in order to work 100% of the energy in the loop has to stay in the loop. In the old days when man made rather nice Victorian looking machines (The so called Victorian Era) many a chap would construct things that had gears and weights that moved about in a grand fancy looking loop. Simply put they all worked on the same idea. . . .The thing being pushed or pulled was pushed or pulled by the thing pushing or pulling it . . . . (Remember for later)  Simple yes but flawed because of the unseen losses in the loop none of the devices were true closed loop systems. They all were subject to the laws of physics and so gravity results in friction, heat loss, energy lost to the outside environment in small but significant ways, resulting in a less than 100% energy transfer around the loop and failure.

So I can here you type if you are such a smart arse what is the solution to these issues that have left the world of science and even that Professor Brian Cox floundering about scratching their heads and saying . . . . . It’s the engines Captain they’ll nay take it. . . . . Hang on that’s not right.  Well the solution is simple yet extremely difficult and very small. Yes there is only one way to beat the world of the basic laws of Physics and that is to use Quantum Mechanics and make a Sub Atomic Particle Perpetual Motion Machine.  It sounds tricky you would need better eyesight than I have but once you get that small stuff changes and gets weird really weird. Particles can be made to be in two different places at the same time. Remember what I wrote earlier . . . . The thing being pushed or pulled was pushed or pulled by the thing pushing or pulling it . . . . Well with a Sub Atomic Particle Perpetual Motion Machine it changes to . . . . . .  The thing being pushed or pulled is pushed or pulled by two things that were pushed or pulled by it. . . . . . In other words it has a boast of energy in the loop in order to keep it going for eternity or in other words Perpetual Motion or Perpetual Energy. It is why atoms never stop moving and stuff like that.


OK tomorrow we can integrate this into the bigger picture for June on the ultimate nude charity calendar of Scientists and Perpetual Motion Machines, and then I will be available for a Nobel Prize round about Christmas. That’s if some Scientist does not nick my idea first, mentioning no names Mr Professor Brian Cox. . . . .  or Mr October as he is know.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Perpetual Motion Machines and Naked Charity Calendars analyzed . . .(PART 1)

As you all know in my new professional role as a professional blogger I am dealing with the great questions of modern life.  Now in the old days these questions would all be profound ones like. . . Is the world Round. . . .  Where can I find the perfect vegetable to create the chip butty. . . . What are those small wiggly things in that pond?  But most of these questions have long been answered and dealt with in great detail. So the big questions of today are a strange mix.

Having dealt succinctly with the issue of Zombies riding a bicycle I am moving on to two new Questions that arose as a result, as this is how my blog now progresses.  The first of these two questions is can you resolve the issues connected to perpetual energy and the creation therefore of the Perpetual Motion Machine. A device which has eluded the efforts of man for hundreds of years (until now or maybe PART 2).  The second question, and this is where the ways of modern life have changed what constitutes the big questions of the day. . . .Is. . . .  What has brought about the perpetual increase in nude charity calendars at Christmas?

 Some would say the issues thrown up by the two questions have little if any common ground but nothing could be further from the truth.  Both involve the desire to do something rather voyeuristic in its nature, lets face it most of us are unlikely to take our clothes off and appear on calendars (although the numbers appear to be growing). And the Perpetual Motion Machine is a rather voyeuristic device as it has to recycle all its energy and therefore is ultimately pointless, making it the greatest most useless invention in the entire universe.

But it does mean that the ultimate expression of voyeurism that anyone could express today would be as a naked Scientist depending entirely for any modesty on a Perpetual Motion Machine on a charity Calendar.   Now where is that Professor Brian Cox when you need him? Weirdly he turned up on Radio 4 this morning . . . . Well spooky, bearing in mind the timing of my drawing (Last Night)……  

Well as you can imagine I was left with a right old problem drawing that picture I don’t think the massed masses of the general public appreciate that sitting down with a bit of paper and a ballpoint pen at eleven o’clock in the evening for half an hour or so to draw a naked scientist and a Perpetual Motion Machine is harder than it looks.

I feel I need to deal with the technical detail of the Charity Nude Calendar in PART 2   

We sadly had to go to Fred’s Funeral today. . . . So Farewell Fred, A man of many talents who enjoyed a Bacon Butty.         

Monday, 22 September 2014

Can Zombies Ride Bicycles. . . . . . . . (PART 3).

The argument continues to rage about whether a Zombie can ride a bicycle or not, when I say rage I am in fact lying but it sounds good. You see the public are apathetic about things, this stuff is important, imagine you are trying to outrun a Zombie and then you find they are chasing you on a bicycle. It is going to make a difference to your escape plan and may involve more stairs and leaps across difficult open voids.

Anyway I thought I need to prove this with an experiment; experiments are one of the things that separate man from beast. You never see a Lion with a clipboard,  wearing a white coat watching a line of test tubes as they skip across the Serengeti . . . . . OK yes you might but only the clever ones, you lot must stop nit picking. . . .

Now as it happens yesterday was the local village Harvest Lunch where the village get together and we all eat loads of food (jolly good food it is too), I would have mentioned it yesterday but I was dealing with the big question of the moment. But it also attracts all the little old ladies out of the woodwork. This is good because if you are planning to do an experiment with Zombies it is best to use something less dangerous than a Zombie but in terms of how it moves about and does things is very similar to a Zombie; a Zombie substitute. Well what better than little old ladies they have many Zombies attributes in terms of physical presence and ability and are slightly less dangerous inasmuch as they don’t try and eat your brain, they merely hit it with umbrellas (the pointy stick of that generation).

Anyway after bribing them with Sweet Sherry, Rich Tea Biscuits and a signed photo of Mr Ken Dodd I was able to get one or two of them to attempt to ride a bicycle. And it proved once and for all that a Zombie would definitely be able to ride a bike although steering it would be a bit erratic, this did cause some issues on the main road during the experiment when passing motorists had to veer a lot into hedges.  And I did discover that one of the main issues, one worth remembering if you are ever pursued by a Zombie on a bicycle is they can’t stop very well.

One interesting extra thing the experiment showed is that Little Old Ladies can swear like troopers or worse than a trooper I would say.  Luckily most of the words were unknown strange country words that are seldom used and things would have been fine had not the curiosity of the vicar not got the better of him. As it happens we had two vicars for the Harvest Lunch and we have all learnt many new words, words that the vicars will never get to use.  I did tell the vicars that Zombies did not use such terrible language but are more likely the rip their arms off and eat their brains.

Apparently vicars don't like Zombies or little old ladies on bicycles so they left.  But I have proved my case. Zombies Can Ride Bicycles, and having now crushed the NO Voters I can move on to another important Question of our time.

Should you have an important Question of our Time why not consider proposing it . . . I am after all a professional blogger now with a blog . . . . . . . . . .      

Sunday, 21 September 2014

Can Zombies Ride Bicycles. . . . . . . . (PART 2). . .

 As we have already discovered I like to ramble a lot. This was not helped by someone on the radio last night who said they loved twitter because it was short and to the point. But having had a think about this they are wrong where would The Ancient Mariner, Shakespeare or even my old arch enemy Harry Potter be if they were limited to 140 characters (as in letters spaces and the like not Long John Silver or Luke Skywalker). Which brings us neatly to the big Question . . .?

 Can Zombies Ride Bicycles

Well we can start from the point you never see Zombies on Bicycles, but this is certainly not proof of anything after all I could balance a poodle on my head but it is unlikely if ever to happen and to date has never been seen . . . . OK there was that one time but it does not count as the poodle was made of fibreglass.

As we know most Zombies did not start as Zombies but as straight forward every day folk from off the street. It is a common fact that of the 100% of people on the street a good 67% can ride a bicycle. This figure is much higher in certain countries where bicycles are still the main form of transport for the masses. So it is therefore logical to assume at least 80% of Zombies could ride bicycles prior to becoming a Zombie, the percentage is higher among Zombies because you are more exposed to Zombie attack on a bicycle than in a car or a submarine.

And despite popular belief Zombies limbs will not fall off if they try and move quick, it is one of those urban myths to reassure the public that it is safe to use buses.  Zombies are also quite strong and able to rip the arms and legs off folk with little effort so by selecting the correct gear they should be able to generate enough power to propel a bicycle with them on it.

The key and most important issue is balance and there is a famous and very reliable old saying that I think we can use to resolve things. . . . . . Its Like Riding A Bicycle. . .  Once Learnt You Never Forget.

So Can Zombies Ride Bicycles

The answer is clearly YES.  . . . . However they clearly can’t remember.   

Saturday, 20 September 2014

Can Zombies Ride Bicycles. . . . . . . . (PART 1)

Well as politics slides back towards the status quo with many politicians saying things like. . . .NO NO NO we never said Yes what we meant was we will consider the options in the fullness of time . . .  it is time for me to turn my attention away from such issues and back towards the bigger questions of the day. After all as one of the new breed of professional bloggers it is important to duck and dive and be first with those stories that others have not yet noticed.  One thing I have noticed in my role as a professional blogger is I'm not actually earning any money at present, it appears the career of a Professional Blogger is one based on endorsements and promoting products and straightforward advertising. I don't do any of this as I can’t see the point of saying for example . . . THE THOUGHTLESS GIBBERISH 11-IN-1 BESPOKE HANDHELD POINTY STICK (patent pending) is the best thing since sliced bread when everyone knows I have been paid a lot of money to do so.  I am told you can eat sliced bread and even toast it with the new device but I have yet to try.

Anyway all this is a distraction from what is the bigger picture, the big question as I have sort of already mentioned in a roundabout sort of way. And I can tell you are keen to finally know what the big issue on the lips of those in the know is. . . . . . . Well . . . . . . .  And its an important question with all sorts of ramifications for the future that can't be understated too strongly (I suspect that’s not quite right, but it sounds good).

OK yes I can hear you all typing loudly get on with it you IDIOT so without ado (what is an ado because we often do things without ado but seldom with ado) tonight’s important Question is

Can Zombies Ride Bicycles. . . . . . . .  

Well I appear to have written more than enough on this subject tonight so I feel it will be better to return to it in . . . .  Can Zombies Ride Bicycles. . . . . . . . (PART 2). . .  Where the key points will be discussed, so if you have a point of view or have seen Zombies riding bicycles this is your chance to get involved. . . . 

Friday, 19 September 2014

A final Word from a YES Supporter of Scottish Independence....... then its back to Zombies again (tomorrow)

Well it appears that the Yes supporters lost, what can I say. . . . except damn damn damn damn damn damn dmandam ndmam ndman mdndm mnamd nnd n mand damn damn damn danm daamnananm mdan manndn mamdnamnamdma dndn mdn namm mdmdm n mdan damn damn dman mdan damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn dmandam ndmam ndman mdndm mnamd nnd n mand damn damn damn danm daamnananm mdan manndn mamdnamnamdma dndn mdn namm mdmdm n mdan damn damn dman mdan damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn. We was robbed

And all these promises made by the politicians in Westminster I suspect will vanish in a haze of Smoke and Mirrors as they say . . . Well of course it’s not that simple, what with the charter of 1735 and we need the support of Golden Elves found only in the high mountains of Tibet at dawn . . . . . . . . .

Still they tried (the Pro Independence voters); they held their pointy pencils high, put their cross on the ballet paper and ran screaming at the huge concrete wall of opportunity only to bounce off into the muddy hole of crushed dreams. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  For now, but folk need to remember the Motto of Scotland, after all we are used to supporting a football team that loses a lot. . .  “Nemo me impune lacessit”, or: "No one provokes me with impunity . . . . . . PAL “, and we have pointy sticks.


Thursday, 18 September 2014

The Truth Behind Scottish Independence finally revealed

Well as voting takes place I can finally reveal my cunning plan as it is now too late to stop it. You see me and my evil assistants, henchman Mr Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon (there is something a bit fishy about their names. . . . . HAH AHHAH AH aha hah ahah ha ahha ha hah a ha hah ah) have been working tirelessly for several years on our very own Flag Business. Everyone likes flags and here in Britain folk just can't resist a wave at a royal person or a parade or hanging them in Windows.

But we hatched a plan to make ourselves a small (a very big) fortune by persuading the people of Scotland to leave the UK resulting in the need for millions of new flags from big posh ones to cheap plastic ones for the massed masses of Crowds-R-Us to wave at Queens and the like.

Now some of you will be thinking well you wont make that much money flogging a few flags, well its not just a few there are millions of them because Australia, New Zealand,  Montserrat,  St. Helena & Dependencies and many many others have the Union Jack as part of their own flag . . . . . . . . . so we will be rich very rich . . .HAH HA HAH AH ha ha hah ah ah ha ha h ha ha hah ha hah ah ah ha hahah ah ha ha hah ah ah ahah ah ah . . . . Yes we have this flag market well and truly Stitched Up. . . . . . . ..  Stitched Up . HAH HA hah ah a haha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ahah ahah ha . . . . .

If our plan succeeds we plan to work for Chinese Independence which will mean the removal of the small print  . . . MADE in China. . .  from the corner of the Chinese flag.  If that cunning plan works we will be rich beyond are wildest dreams and we (OK I do) have some wild dreams indeed.

All we need to do now is get official approval for the new Union Jack design from the White House . . . sorry I mean Parliament.  . . . . . . . . AH DAMN I may have made a slight error in the design. 

Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Scottish Independence YES or NO a final comment

Tomorrow is vote day, the big day in Scotland when both sides will be doing their bit and hoping for the best. One important thing to remember though is that all Scotsmen like a bit of a party. If Scotland votes YES there will be a huge party with folk leaping about knowing that over the next couple of years it will be all change and into the great unknown. If Scotland votes NO there will be a party, but not as good because everything will stay the same. Folk don’t generally have parties when stuff stays the same. Its like children having a party because they are not leaving home, these seldom happen because it’s hard to party when your parents are crying in the dining room.

While pondering things, two interesting thoughts came to mind. . . .Let’s face it someone normally nicks my thought and says it’s theirs, the first I have mentioned in FB as a passing comment but I thought well that’s interesting what will happen with that. You see I thought as we plan to adopt the Queen and let England have Prince (King) Charles then we could keep the pound as it’s the Queens face on it. Then I thought HANG ON what about stamps whose stamps will we use, because that lot at Royal Mail use any excuse to put up the price of stamps. I bet they try and charge extra for delivery to Europe. However I have a solution Scotland can sell its own stamps cheaper than the English ones and sell them over the internet to the English so they can send letters and parcels cheaper using the Scottish stamps . . . .  Yet another problem solved and a good revenue generator.

This brings me to my second point; you see Scotland has the highest number of Inventors, Discoverers and Explorers per head of population of any country in the world by a huge margin.  So although Independence will see many problems to solve, we are in fact the ideal nation to solve them all. In fact you could argue that we are so good at inventing and discovering things that it would be folly not to vote YES just so we can Invent and Discover even more things.  Even I, down in Shropshire often discover things in muddy holes which I prod with pointy sticks, you don’t see the English doing this . . . . . OK that’s not entire true I can think of at least one English man who prods at stuff with a point stick but they are few and far between.

So remember tomorrow you can either vote YES for an exciting and unknown world of Inventors and discoveries with a Queen and slightly cheaper stamps. Or you can vote NO and keep things the same with David Cameron and Prince Charles, a world of slightly more expensive stamps and the kids never leave home.

You know what to do. . . . .

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Scottish Independence . . Latest Poll (sorry pole) points to a surprise.

I was looking at the BBC News on the internet catching up with the world news and stuff and just happen to notice that it appears if Scotland becomes independent it will move the geographic centre (the balancing point) of the UK to just a few miles away. Well when I say a few I mean about 30-ish miles, well that is quite exciting, sort of, and it would be really good to be the middle of something. So I would like to propose that maybe the rest of the UK could give Scotland just enough of Northern England to make my house the exact centre.  I would then be able to erect a thing on a long pole with pointy bits that pointed at all the places around the UK saying things like the sea 200 miles or London 200 miles or Manchester 200 miles or Scotland 200 Miles or even France 200 miles or the USA 200 miles.  You will notice that everything would be exactly the same distance away, but that is one of the really cool things about being exactly in the middle of everything. Everything is exactly the same distance from you or you can’t be in the middle.

It is a little know fact that ancient man built Stonehenge in order that they would know where the middle was, it is why many stone circles are round as finding the middle of a round thing is far easier as the accent Britain’s did not have GPS or theodolites and survey equipment, they were far more dependant on the instincts of goats.

Anyway I would like to pledge right now that in the event of a YES vote for Scottish Independence and a small concession where the rest of the UK hand over a bit of the North of England, (A goodwill gesture). That I Rob Z Tobor will build a big tall pointy pole thing to point at places and let folk know everywhere is 200 miles away.  As always it is good to find the Middle Ground (the Balancing Point) as defined by the trained goats of the Ancient Britain’s. 

Sunday, 14 September 2014

Scottish Independence (sorry I am doing my bit). . . Important Facts about Scotland.

It’s Sunday and I plan to bore you all silly once again with the great Scottish Independence YES NO vote due in just a few days. I know it’s terrible after nearly 300 years of little or no news about the strange goings on of the homeland, the damn place is all over the news like it is the most important thing happening in Scotland. . . .

So what are the facts about Scotland?

1 Well it has a population of about 5.2 million or just over, of which about 2.5 million are working or should be.

2 If you ignore oil for the moment its top exports appear to be Food and Drink. . .  I knew everyone liked deep fried Mars bars, Iron Bru and a Tunnock’s teacake.

3 Scotland already has its own Legal System separate to that in the rest of the UK

4 Scotland also has its own Education System

5 And to buy a house in Scotland is different to that in England.

6 Scotland has its own Sportsmen and teams who get to compete internationally for their home Country although not in the Olympics. Scotland also has its own Highland Games with things such as Goat Wresting and Grouse Bobbing.

7 It has its own language, dialects and customs that are a mystery to the rest of the world and many Scotsmen.

8 It has its own weather that is much wetter and wilder that England making many Scotsmen a bit grumpy.

9 It is a land of many mountains and moors. Ben Nevis being 1344m high when it has warmed up in the sun and the longest river is the River Tay 193km on a wet day.

10 And it has loads of History going back ages long before the Roman invasion of Britain in 1st century AD when the Romans had to build a wall to protect themselves as the Scots had pointy sticks and were very scary.

11 The motto of Scotland is “Nemo me impune lacessit”, or: "No one provokes me with impunity . . . . . . PAL “or its modern equivalent “Are You Looking at Me Pal

12 Scotland still has its own protected species of Underwater Monster that the English have tried to steal or discredit since 1545. . . . . . NO it’s ours so YA SUCKS BOOOO.

13 Scotland has the greatest sports fans in the world who will always chant the famous Scottish phrase “WE WAS ROBBED” after all matches or competitions when we lose right at the end.   

That last point is rather important, in fact it is very very important indeed because it is the one the Scots always forget every single time.  It is why it keeps happening and I can see it happening yet again. The English appear to be defeated and are sulking and wandering back home to London and the like. The Scots chasing them, waving their kilts in the air and throwing cans of Iron Bru and that Mr Cameron chap, laughing and sniggering as they pursue the English deep into England. Only to realize too late that they have not voted yet and they are now too far away to get to a polling station and then the NO Campaign wins by 52% to the yes vote of 48% . . . . The Scots having been tricked yet again . . . . . . .

All I can say is   WE WAS ROBBED.


Saturday, 13 September 2014

Scottish Independence . . . NO Campaign Latest Shock News.

There are certain things that need to be acknowledged as we head rapidly towards the great YES  NO vote that will, we are told change the world (OK Great Britain) forever.  Well what sort of thing (or WHO) changes the world, because quite frankly as humans changing it to much is not a good move at all.  So we need to ask ourselves in whose best interest would these changes be, obviously not humans so by a process of elimination we must be talking Aliens.

And because these changes are associated directly with the YES NO Vote we have to assume that the entire process has been instigated by the very same Aliens, but what is their cunning plan. And exactly which side are they on, are they supporting the YES or NO campaign.  Well I think I can answer that question quite easily, it is clear that the Aliens are supporting the NO campaign because of three key observations.  The first of these is historical ask yourself where do people see Aliens and Alien spacecraft in Britain, Almost always in the South of England. Yes OK the odd one turns up in Wales and the North of England but they are like Hens Teeth in Scotland.  Secondly look at the political leaders supporting the NO campaign Mr Miliband, Mr Clegg and Mr Cameron, are they Alien Androids and all the same model at that working to instigate the Aliens cunning plan; I bet they are.  Thirdly consider all the big corporate businesses throwing their weight behind the NO campaign. The organisations are reclusive secret bodies that tell us little, an ideal place for the massed hordes of Aliens to do their deeds changing our world so they can remove all the humans or enslave us

Now I can hear some of you say that is madness but consider this, if Scotland becoming independent is really so bad then why would the powers that be who are now telling us this, allow the vote in the first place.  It makes no sense whatsoever unless behind the whole thing is a grand master plan of evil cunning and quite frankly in this particular case the only ones who will gain must be an as yet undiscovered race of Aliens from the far reaches of space.

I suspect they have noticed that the Scots are a feisty belligerent bunch who have a strange language, seem to survive on foods that would kill most humans in a few days and will fight any Alien that they see once nightfall arrives. Waving those pointy Sticks at the powers that be and shouting ARE YOU LOOKIN AT ME PAL. . .

So I believe this is an entire exorcise sorry exercise in destroying the Scottish spirit forever, so that the Aliens can move North and eventually conquer the entire world.  All that stands between us (the human race) and becoming the puppets of Aliens is a YES Vote. . .

I think you know what to do. . . . . .


Friday, 12 September 2014

The Scottish Independence debate and why the Scots will vote NO to Scotlands Independance

As a Scot living in England right on the border with Wales, having lived in Wales half my life I am watching the Scottish Independence debate with much interest. Because of where I live I get no vote which is a little ironic as many English living in Scotland do get to vote, I would vote YES myself, but in the last 48 hours feel the tide has turned and the NO vote is almost certainly going to win.

You see the Scots are a wild and passionate lot and in a battle will hold their pointy sticks and swords high and charge shouting rude things at the enemy even when outnumbered and with no hope of winning. Well I say that; this is what used to happen in the old days and 99% of the time sure enough we lose, but just on the odd occasion we win and we will cheer and relish the moment knowing that ultimately our glory will be short lived and we will be defeated by overwhelming odds. Just look at the Scottish football team.

The YES campaign lead by Alex Salmond (who needs to get into some tartan) at one time focused on this built in wild passion and belief that has seen the national football team continue to be supported even though most of the time they lose.   But in the last couple of days the YES campaign has lost its passion it has been dragged down into the nitty gritty of everyday life and questions like . . . . Will my ASDA shopping cost a bit more . . . . . 

Such arguments are futile, we are the people of Scotland, who can say if becoming independent will work or not for sure, or even staying part of the United Kingdom will be in Scotland’s long term interest. Let’s face it up to now the powers that be in England have not really cared about Scotland.  And saying . . . . ASDA will put its prices up . . . . Should make no difference.  We should be heading towards polling day waving our swords and pointing pointy sticks singing and making rude gestures at the English establishment.  The people of Scotland should be following their hearts and Rob Roy MacGregor rather than worrying about ASDA. Which is why I knew the campaign for YES was doomed when I heard a Scot saying . . . . . . The supermarkets saying we should vote NO has finally made me decide to vote to keep the Union . . . . . .  This is not the talk of a mad rampant Scotsman charging over the moors his kilt flying in the air.

In other news Ian the Musical Hat Maker (A Scot) and Auntie Karen (A Viking) called by so that Mr Ian could tune our piano (from Scotland. . . . OK German made) and we all had a jolly good time.  And had a lovely meal which all came from the local village Market . . . NOT ASDA


Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Stolen thoughts and Dragonflies. Scottish Independence and haggis

In the last couple of days I have noticed something happening that is a worry. Firstly thanks to Master Meglos I discovered that Dr Who have been running off with some of my ideas to sneak into their storylines Well I don't mind but it appears they do not even give me a tiny bit of credit for my subtle sophisticated and intertwined storylines involving robots footballers and Knights with pointy sticks.

Then only yesterday I happen to mention that no one had said much about the Queen and the devolution process leading to Scottish Independence. Then before you can say Haggis and Chips and a wee can of Iron Bru out the chill cabinet, the BBC ten o'clock news has the Queen all over it saying that the Queen is remaining impartial and rumours of stockpiling deep fried Mars bars are merely rumours spread by the English aggressors lead by Prince Charles as he angles for power.

Then to add insult to injury it appears folk have started coming up with the jolly idea of taking pictures of SHELFIES . . .  Well that was my idea ages ago and I cut the bottom off my IKEA shelf unit to make a little face too. Not just take a picture of a shelf.

This is not the first time this stuff has happened and I have started to wonder if there is some cunning plan afoot to undermine my thought process and make me look like a charlatan. I know who is the Mr Big behind it all, the evil genius who has Charles and Quentin in GCHQ stealing all my posts and using them for his own plans. Its that nice Mr Steven Spielberg, he wants my thoughts to create the greatest film ever so that he can say it is all his own work and claim the accolade and glory and bright lights. His final and greatest achievement, leaving me floundering in a dark swamp of obscurity OK a dark muddy hole of Obscurity and I know about them I have already been in a lot.

And tonight I have had to run about saving Dragonflies from the cat. . .  I bet he will say his cat did it first too, but I got pictures so YA SUCKS BOOOOOOO

OOOOOoooo is that the time I was just getting comfy on your couch doctor . . . I will see you next week about the same time. . . . . .  

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

The Queen, Scottish Devolution, Scotland, England and Royal Babies

It appears that here in Britain we are going to get another royal, only as yet we don't know exactly when and what sex it will be, and what they will be called, and which bit of Britain they will be given so they can say they are the Duke/Duchess of Hull or the like. I suspect it will not be a bit of Scotland though.  Which is a small point I have not heard a single person mention yet in respect to Scottish Devolution. Will the Queen (no the Queen is not called Will) still be the Queen of Scotland if they take the leap of faith and leap. I rather hope they do as a Scot, but us Scots have a habit of leaping into big muddy holes where folk jab at us with pointy sticks.

The Queen rather likes Scotland and she may even decide to abdicate from England and Wales and become Mary Queen of Scots, sorry I mean Elizabeth Queen of Scots. She is also rumoured to be a bit religiously inclined towards Catholicism and this would allow her to convert.

England would then have King Charles (Oooo go on vote yes Scotland) and as a Protestant and a bit outspoken he would probably attack his mum lock her in the tower and then have her sort of executed much like the original Mary Queen of Scots was by Elizabeth the First. . . . The world is full of such ironic twists. Scotland of course would shout and wave pointy sticks and head south raiding the north of England and steal all their fish and chips and Newcastle Brown and have a grand party. But get defeated the following day by the English before the Scots get a chance to recover their wits.

The whole affair finally getting sorted by the Director of Planning at the Cumbrian County Council a Mr Hadrian who builds a big wall.     

I have cleaned a lot of windows today but only on the one side, the Scottish side . . . that’s the outside because that’s the wettest side . . . HAH HAH AH Ah ah ha hah ah ha hah ah ha ha ha ha hah ah ha ha ha hah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hhah ah ah haha hah ha.

And the English on the inside have nicked all the cosy chairs,  but luckily the oil tank is on the outside so AH HAH AH AH hah ah ah ha ha hah ha hah ah ha hah aha h aha ha YA SUCKS BO.

AH DAMN mum says I'm an IDIOT.  

Sunday, 7 September 2014

The Surprise Birthday Party, Leaping About, Fruit, Zombies and a Hot Air Balloon.

It has been a lovely day today after what was a nice day yesterday and as it happens it is predicted to be a nice day tomorrow, so we are back with a feeling of summer again after the arrival of autumn. I know this is not very exciting is it, but as I have said many many times stuff like this happens or does not happen. One thing I have noticed mind you is there are lots of berries and fruit on the trees and there is some sort of saying about . . . Much Fruit Means Many Zombies Ahead. . . .  No sorry not that one, I mean the one about Much Fruit Means a Hard Winter.  Interestingly the saying about  . . . Much Fruit Means Many Zombies Ahead. . . .  Also means it will be a hard winter for your head as the little (OK Large) critters try and eat your brains, ironically they don't like fruit.

OK back to events of the here and how and our theme this year in volume five of my popular diary (all publicity is good publicity so they say) being the Unknown meant that we went to a surprise sixtieth birthday party for Miss L which means that it was entirely unknown to her until she was faced with family and a few good friends all singing. . . Meatloaf’s Bat out of Hell. . . . .  AH no that was later on I think we all sang happy birthday and then drank and ate and danced about having a good time.  Well as you know I don't drink alcohol so was drinking orange juice, as it happens I like orange juice although it is not good for your liver. . . . You just can't win with these things at present.

I also have a bit of an issue leaping about dancing . . . sort of dancing  . . . . .Ok just leaping about but in time with the music . . . Ok not in time with music . . . .  Although I can do Air Guitar better than Mr N he is rubbish, but then I can play a guitar (sort of) which helps. Right back to the point I have dodgy feet, meaning staying upright can get tricky and to make matters worse I am not as fit as I was in the past and leaping about leads to rapid exhaustion and a less agile panting Zombie sort of dancing. Which in turn leads to folk offering you bowls of fruit because of the old saying . . . . .  Much Fruit Means Many Zombies . . . . 

Anyway it was a grand party and as I am a unsociable grumpy bloke I was rather pleased that there were a modest number of folk rather than hundreds which would have scared me into hiding in a cupboard. It is not easy to leap about in cupboards.

OOOOOoooooooooo I have just returned from being outside watching a hot air balloon attempting to avoid landing in the woods. Not a good move as the new battery pheasants have just been released and they have not worked out yet that eating hot air balloonists is not a good move. Luckily they cleared the trees and are on their way to the Castle of the Bishop. (That’s the balloon not the pheasants although in the long run it would be in their best interest).   


Friday, 5 September 2014

President Putin, NATO, Scottish Devolution, Spies and Ordinary folk

Yes sorry I have used an old favourite picture tonight

Well everyone . . . I spent the morning at the Village Hall Market, it’s a great market where everyone is happy and chilled we drink tea eat bacon butty’s and cake and catch up on local news. Now don’t go thinking O GOD NO LOCAL NEWS. . . no we are an interesting and cosmopolitan lot (I say lot but our numbers are few-ish) and so I was chatting to a chap who’s bride to be is a Russian woman and all was going well until a certain world leader said to his mates. . .Those Decadent Western puppets and their imperialist leaders are weak it is time to start retaking the empire. And besides, me and my comrades are very wealthy we can do what we like now. like fight bears, bARE chested . . . . . . . .  . . . HAHA HAH hah ah ah ah ahah Fight Bears, BARE chested . . . You are not laughing Igor I think it better if you do right away. . . . No I  insist. . . . .   

But events have lead to a cooling in Anglo-Russian diplomacy leading to difficulties if you are an Anglo-Russian couple hoping to marry and settle down in the rolling Shropshire hills of a tiny village.  Anyway the local chap said he knows a few people who know a few people and so he has pulled a few strings and managed to get a whole load of the Western Imperialist leaders together to have a chat and work out which one of them is going to be brave enough to go and see President Putin and explain to him that they are just a ordinary couple who what to drink tea, eat bacon butty’s and cake in the local Market on Friday Morning.  Not Spies with listening devices hidden in the wheels of wheelie bins outside the  secret NATO building hidden round the corner pretending to be a small holding, which in turn has bugging devices placed all over the Kremlin. . . . . . . Hang on it is probably best if I don’t mention that bit . . . . . . . AH DAMN.

Interestingly I note that the Western imperialist leaders say that the Ukraine, which was originally independent then sort of became part of Russian through force but decided to become independent should be left alone to make its own policies and decisions and the West and Russia should respect the views of the native Ukrainians. . . . . . . . Ooooooo it sounds just like Scottish Devolution . . . . sort of, but with less tartan.    

Thursday, 4 September 2014

A quick hello and goodnight and a badly drawn dinosaur

Hello I have absolutely nothing to write about tonight. I say night because it is, I tend to do my diary entry at the end of the day which I guess is logical. Anyway I was planning to draw a dinosaur but it all went wrong (again) so it is a rubbish dinosaur, 

So thats it thats everything, I dug up some plants, ate some food, fed the cats, looked at the sky, watered a hedge and made it longer. . . .  OK I did not make it longer with water I used the water to water the new plants in the hedge . . . 

I am now off to sleep and then in the morning off to the local village market to buy food, drink tea and eat a bacon butty.

So cheery O and goodnight.