Friday, 30 November 2012

The mathematics of the crystalline structure in nature and The Woolly Torch Hat for only £12.38p . . .. Batteries not included.

It has been very cold today indeed even Mr Jones the Alien Hunter has had to resort to putting clothes on, despite his view that clothes confuse aliens as they assume it is fur and then they think all sorts of stuff can be unzipped which he says can be a little painful. To ensure that his jacket cannot be confused he has super glued the zip and has told us, that it will ensure it can not be removed by mistake. I don’t think he has thought that through very well myself. The reason I mention Mr Jones is because he has taken a picture of what he says is a digital synchronized laser probe that the aliens were using to detect intelligent life forms on planet Earth, but he is convinced that they think he is a bear because of his fur (it is in fact a nylon puffer jacket with a fur collar). The dog has pointed that very few bears are green or have a picture of Elvis on the back and the words Elvis was an Alien in sparkly rhinestones or wear a woolly hat with a torch knitted into each side of it.

I think there is a an interesting marketing opportunity there . . . . . The Woolly Torch Hat, stay warm and see where you are going in total darkness. Amaze your friends, you will leave them speechless. Communicate with aliens and look like an idiot; all for £12.38p . . . ..  Batteries not included.

What with all the cold after all the rain the mathematics teacher decided that we should discuss the mathematics of the crystalline structure in nature and in particular Polymorphism then as we drifted into a discussion on the crystallographic point group, I came to the conclusion that being cold is very complicated. But one thing I did discover was the reason why we never see Santa, and how he is able to get round to so many houses in one night, it is all to do with The 14 Bravais Lattices  . . . . . . . . . Ah no hang on I might be getting confused with reindeer.

While on that subject mum and dad did something today they have never done before, they bought a fake Christmas tree. They said that they thought it would be a bit more eco friendly rather than keep buying a tree with roots that they struggle to keep alive for two or three years before it dies. And they also refuse to buy a grown in Indonesian Christmas tree for a fiver on the grounds that it is just not right.  


Thursday, 29 November 2012

Christmas Shopping, the Moon and an interchangeable drill attachment with variable speed control and built in hammer drill option

It was well sunny today even sunnier that yesterday so dad was pleased because the solar panels were making power today, just over 10.5 Kilowatts which is not bad for this time of year, particularly as in the last few days it has been rubbish. And the Ghost Writer is bright and chirpy again because it appears that after a long conversation with a man in Ireland all is well with the world of IT and emails  (for now anyway).  

First thing this morning it was very frosty and although we feed the birds they eat it faster than we can put it out at present, sadly we do have to ration them a bit bearing in mind we are next a wood because the thing with birds is they tell their mates who then tell their mates and so on. The result of which is you put out a pile of seed, peanuts and half a loaf and 3 minutes later it is as good as all gone and they are all fighting blaming each other for eating all the food. Well all except the Black Caps who are so fussy that they will only eat certain foods and it must be the right colour, it is a wonder they survive the winter.

taken using my little 3.5 in reflector telescope
 pointing a samsung NV10 down the eye piece

Esmeralda has discovered one of the drawbacks of being made mainly from metal is that is does get very cold and a pair of woolly fingerless gloves made by granny do not work well on a stainless steel hand with huge razor sharp talons. And even less so on an interchangeable drill attachment with variable speed control and built in hammer drill option. Apparently Esmeralda’s granny is making three pairs a day at present but does not mind as the alternative is more jumpers for Granddad, he now has almost the entire collection of Disney characters and granny plans to move onto The Hammer House of Horrors soon.  

I have finally started to seriously think about Christmas, although I am not going to do anything yet until I have thought about it a bit more, I have decided to ponder things for maybe two or three more weeks. After which I will say O MY GOD and run round in circles a bit waving my arms around and finally putting a large carrier bag on my head, I think Christmas can be a bit like that at times. I may also be forced into that terrible thing we have all started doing, that very few like to admit too, particularly while fighting your way to the till in the toy shop, but I plan to shop online.  I know yet another coffin in the nail of the high street shop, the friendly face behind the counter wearing antlers and a Santa hat while Slade sing Merry Christmas endlessly on a continuous loop.

Finally I have been out to take photographs of the moon, only it is very cold indeed, I refer to the moon, the night and me. . . .  


Wednesday, 28 November 2012

The Haircut, email and the curse of BT helplines

The ghost writer is a bit stressed, or a lot stressed as BT in their infinite wisdom have changed their email server details and so several people are now shouting at him. He has one weakness as a IT guru of note and that is email, me hates setting up email even though it is a bit like buttering toast, well not really like buttering toast because the butter melts and drips and you can then add loads of peanut butter YUM, that is not quite the same as email. But he is a bit stressed due to what he has described as abject failure which I am led to believe is not really all that good. So in the morning he has said he will phone the BT helpline, which means that things must be bad because phoning one of those BT helplines is a bit like the kiss of death. For one thing they are automated nightmares and if you get your options wrong you find yourself either back where you started or talking to a nice man in an Indian call centre and although he may be a nice man, he has sadly learnt to speak English from an old 1950’s BBC news reader and therefore cant understand a word that the average British citizen says because we all talk a sort of semi-trashed localized English. Let’s face it someone from Birmingham is never going to understand a word a Glaswegian, so an Indian call centre is doomed unless the queen calls up.  He is going to spend the evening playing tiddlywinks now with a seagull hiding in a dark cupboard and saying bleep bleep bleep much like the ghost of the old Sinclair ZX-81 did last night.

The sun came out today it was a bit of a shock on the eyes first thing and as I staggered about trying to find my way to the bus stop to go to school, I accidently fell into a hairdressers resulting in yet another haircut this year. I have had three of them now which is terrible how is a chap meant to remain scruffy if he has three haircuts in a year.  Then of course because I was neat, I was then viewed with suspicion. I have found that many neat people are also somewhat suspicious, just look at car salesmen or politicians or insurance salesmen they are all very neat but none of us would blindly go and sign things they give us without a jolly good read first.  In fact the safest politicians to trust are the quiet scruffy ones, that is worth remembering next to you vote for any make sure they are scruffy and quiet; the same with car salesman although scruffy and enthusiastic would be better, maybe look for a bit of oil or grease on their shoes.

OK where was I  . . . . . . . . .. AH yes school. Some foolish person (I mention no names Miss Fionaski . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN  . . . .I did sorry about that) suggested we do our 0.45 times table. Well James made the mistake of trying to use his fingers which proved very messy and there was blood everywhere but give him his due he was persistent even if he had to get someone else to write down the answers.

I will say one thing about today it may have been sunny and dry but it was jolly cold, I have resorted to wearing several jumpers and even though the dog pushed he onto my back I got up with ease although it did take forty five minutes, but that was only because the dog laughing at me, put me off… 

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

The Haunted Computer and the Lay Lines

My djembe playing did not entirely work as planned last night so dad  has gone outside to start up his weather machine on the grounds that it cant make things any worse than they already are. I have requested a nice warm sunny day. I think we all need a nice warm sunny dry day because it has been a while to say the least. The present weather appears to have made our cats go mad, and they are turning to food as a substitute for the sun.

The Ghost Writer has turned into a zombie and is going AAAAuuuugggghhhh a lot, not because of the weather although that is not helping, but because he has spent the day in a very long meeting being good and not talking about computers even though he has ended up with another computer in the back of his car. They then end up here because according to the Ghost Writer, the Lay Line configuration is such that our garage is the perfect place to put old dead computers as a computer is an energy receptive device, so once it is sitting in the energy field of the lay line it will re-energise, and after a time work again. Mum says that the Ghost Writer has nowhere else to store all the old computers that quite frankly need to be disposed of, and all this talk of energy energising the computer is because the Ghost Writer is an IDIOT.

I wonder if it is possible to get a haunted computer. I have quickly checked this in cyberspace and it appears that the evidence is all a bit sketchy indeed, but fundamentally there are loads of them . . . . . I think it may be a lay line issue, I must check with the Ghost Writer although mum says IDIOT again.

OK that’s it I am going now because it is sort of late and I think my PC might be haunted by the spirit of an old Sinclair ZX-81 walking the voids of its dual core processor shouting Pong and going bleep. 


Monday, 26 November 2012

The pirates ships of Treasure Island, Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub and a ferret

Today has been wet dark and cold, it appears that the UK is slowly vanishing under water with terrible floods and the like, I had to explain to several teachers that my homework was ruined when I had to leap into a puddle to save a distressed seagull who was confused and thought he was somewhere in the middle of the North Sea. To tell the truth it is very easy to make that sort of mistake at present as there is a lot of water about and it is still raining very heavily even as I type.

Anyway with all the rain and cold and dark everyone was sulking and sailing paper boats up and down the school corridors. Treasure Island makes very good pirate ships although it needs to be one of the very very rare first editions signed by Blind Pugh from the crew who if I remember correctly were Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub., luckily the school library had a first edition of Treasure Island  . . . . . . . Har Har Har Har Hardy Har so my pirate ships were able to attack the fleet of the Russian navy made from War and Piece. It was a modern edition of War and piece so the paper was rubbish. Although Esmeralda’s U boats made from Under Milkwood were rather difficult to destroy but luckily Freddie’s ferret thought they were fish and ate them, leaving the pirates ships to blockade the doorway to the headmaster’s office. However the headmaster refused to pay the ransom and made me mop the deck (sorry I mean mop the desk).

 Oooooo yes the Ghost Writer hid today saying it was too wet for IT.

And myself and my djembe colleague have been playing The Song of the Sun God in an attempt to stop the rain, so with luck in the morning it will not be raining and the sun will come out.  


Sunday, 25 November 2012

The film re-enactment of The Shining starring James Dean as a giant

This morning started as a lovely day, the sun shining and blue skies. So I was talked into doing another film re-enactment of that popular film ‘The Shining’ with what’s his name, you know the bloke who did the western ‘High Noon’, or was it ‘A Fistful of Dollars’. . . . . .Kirk Douglas. Anyway I was a little annoyed after, because I discovered that in fact The Shining is not a film about a happy go lucky smiling window cleaner and his mop.

I had even done a really good job of cleaning the windows too, making sure there were no streaks or missed bits, I don’t think the chap in the Shining would have done such a good job of cleaning the windows, or Kirk Douglas for that matter. I was wrong about Kirk Douglas; I think it may have been the man from All Along the Waterfront  . . . . . James Dean, no hang on that’s the Jimi Hendrix song I mean ‘On The Waterfront’  where James Dean plays a rebellious giant because he has not got a giant's causeway like other giants.

It then went cold and cloudy and starting raining so that well and truly stopped any window cleaning and I resorted to prodding invisible jellyfish that were floating about in the room singing songs about alien penguins. I then had to go and hide because apparently it was annoying everyone else, but that is only because they could not see the invisible jellyfish so I pocked at a computer for a bit then said hello to Miss Sally and Mr Dom and then ate food and then wrote my diary. Then I mmmmmmmmm I don’t know, as I have not done it yet.  

Oooooo one of my blog friends said celebrities on twitter are rubbish with over inflated egos, I think he may be mostly right…… I say mostly because I’m not HAHAHAHAHH HAHHAH Hah aha hahah hahh hah ah hahahahahah hah hahahha . . . . . . . AAH mum has said IDIOT now.


Saturday, 24 November 2012

Craft Fairs and Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop

When Napoleon Beelzebub closed Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop he left us a selection of stock, a fair bit of which was aimed at the Christmas market. He told us that down in the eternal depths of Dante’s Inferno which he prides himself on keeping snug and warm for his guests, he says that he has never had a complaint that anyone is feeling cold. OK he did just the once when one of the guests made the mistake of being sarcastic so he moved then to a warmer room until they agreed that humour was not conducive with damnation.  Sorry distracted again; He says that Christmas much like sarcasm and humour is not good for the general ambience of Hell and it would only lead to trouble if the punters started to like it. I think that is something we can all agree about, hell nice that is totally wrong. OK what was I saying; yes we have all this stuff so today we were at a craft fair in Marton along with our good friend Miss Sally of The Sun (not the big glowing one in the sky that someone has nicked).

Tonight picture was drawn on a carrier bag which explains why it looks a bit odd. . . .Sorry 

The weather was to say the least rather rotten but despite this several of the old customers of  Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop turned up to see us and say hello, including Mrs Baker the headmaster (not my headmaster as he is mad, Mrs Baker is not mad, she is well cool for a headmaster). Anyway it was lovely to see some of the old regulars and it turned into a very successful event for us.  It was rather wet heading home and we appear to all be vanishing under water in the UK at present, still the long range forecast this morning was predicting minus fifteen and loads of snow. I am not sure just how long term that forecast is as it sounds like the next ice age to me . . . . . . . . . . .WELL COOL.


Friday, 23 November 2012

The funeral, the spy and the alien

Today’s funeral was in many respects a much happier affair, OK yes we are talking funerals but the one today was for someone much older than yesterdays. And they wanted their funeral today to be happy, which it was, It was also held in the little chapel rather than the more grand main church, I think they are a bit friendlier in the chapel than the grand church. There was also loads of food afterwards for everyone, and I mean loads, I did try and eat as much as possible and was doing rather well at one point but then someone refilled the big plate on the table I was sat at with food again, but I was well stuffed by then and was only able to nibble chocolate cake.

Sadly I missed Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian spy who was near the back of the chapel, but then as a master of disguise it is easy for a famous Russian spy to blend seamlessly into the background of a crowd of people. I am not sure if Miss Fionaski was on a secret mission or not, but she was unable to turn up to eat loads of food in the town hall. I think she must have gone home to eat black caviar and drink Russo-Baltique Vodka as you do when you are a Russian spy.

I was also volunteered at home to sweep up all the leaves and the like that had blown out of the trees yesterday and filled our drive at home as I was not at school, what with going to the funeral. So I had a very exciting time this morning sweeping piles of very wet leaves, at least when they are wet they do not blow about all over the place although I prefer not to have a dog and two cats shouting you missed a bit. After yesterdays terrible weather it has been rather sunny today which is classic British weather; however we were lucky yesterday as there have been loads of floods and chaos in many of parts of the UK. It also appears that there is more rain and gales due tomorrow so some places are expecting more floods tomorrow and Monday, it is turning into a very wet year indeed in Britain.

This weather is not great for aliens and might explain why we have not seem any for a couple of weeks or so, after all squelching through mud in wellingtons is no fun for an alien or Mr Jones who has had to start wearing clothes in the woods at night while he waits in his effort to communicate with the aliens. As he says a man wearing no clothes and just a pair of wellington boots hiding in the woods at night in the cold of winter tends to make people think you are a bit odd. I think we can all agree with him about that.


Thursday, 22 November 2012

Funerals, cats and flying kites

Today has been a funny old day as we had to go to a funeral this morning of a family friend, funerals are not nice things really, but strangely you often get to meet people you have not met for ages, which happened today. It was in Montgomery church which is a really nice church even though I am not a churchy person, but it has some nice carvings and fancy bits in it that many small town churches do not have but then a very very long time ago Monty church was more important than it is now, as Montgomery was the County town until the railway, roads, cattle markets, shops and everything else sort of bypassed it completely and even the county does not exist any longer. I think this maybe be to do with yesterdays discussion of networks, you see Montgomery is physically just sort of in the wrong place to be a good network hub and even Montgomeryshire was regarded as surplus to the administrate requirements of modern life.

We will be going to another Funeral tomorrow in the Chapel in Montgomery so that will be a strange too, It has been an odd week really because I know of two other people known to members of the family who have died in the last week. But it is easy to forget that in the context of time as in all of time, all of us are but the blink of an eye lid so I am trying to find out whose eyelid it is and plan to prop their eyes open with match sticks.  The only real redeeming feature of this is that all those world leaders, power mad corporate capitalists and the like are no more that a blink of an eyelid along with the rest of us, we are all the same in the end.

In other news the weather has been terrible here today, I mean really terrible, we have had very high winds and the car was bounced about as we headed home after the funeral. Then once at home the winds got even worse and the roof was creaking and groaning and the rain got even heavier and it was dark by about 3pm luckily the roof did stay on the house and all is well as the worst has now passed.  

The dog tells me it was probably one of the windiest days we have had in the last year we have lived here, and that even a small stunt kite (stunt kitty AHAHAHH HAH ahaha hahahhah haha hah) easily lifted two overweight cats several hundred metres into the air with no effort at all. That may explain why the cats are rather wet and refuse to go outside now, and have attacked several thin bamboo canes, a table cloth and a fishing line which dad had put by to make an Armadillo lamp shade as a surprise present for someone. . . . . Luckily not me PHEW.   

I think Mr H's link from his comment is also just the thing to show us all our place in the great big world

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Life the universe and everything as a networked structure using 42 cables.

Today the geography teacher decided that it is high time that he explained some basic facts about the working of the universe to us today, he said it would help explain the answers to life the universe and everything (someone shouted 42 but he hit them with an illuminated globe). It appears that everything is a network, the geography teacher said not just river deltas, roads, railways, computers and cyberspace but absolutely everything including, us, goats, cheese and the entire universe, it is just a matter of scale. You see we are full of networks like our blood system, our nervous system our brains and even our digestive system and skeleton; and all these systems integrate together to perform a particular function of objective.

So a human (a networked device) can drive a car (a networked device) on a road (part of a networked device) in a city (a networked device) to perform a function as part of a networked device. All in a universe (a networked device) within the multi-dimensional voids of time and space (a networked device), all of which is made of atoms and molecules (networked devices)

 All that was fine but the then he asked us to draw a network, at first I thought this is dead easy I will draw the multi-tracking music system I am trying to get working at home with all the black boxes and cables. That is certainly a network, now you would think this would be easy but one thing I have learnt about networks of any kind that involve cables is they get can get a bit twisted, I have discussed this before I know but not in the context of networks. So I draw as much of the network as I could remember with a huge confused mass of wires going between boxes in a confused and knotted fashion as they do on the system in the flesh so to speak although there is no flesh involved in reality, not even a small drop of blood as mum wiped all that up (In the Flesh is a silly saying). Then after working away at my drawing for hours the geography teach looked at it and said IDIOT, strangely that is what mum said when she first saw the system (in the flesh) when I got it all together, all I need to do is make it actually work and it will be well cool, a bit like the universe, they have a lot in common. . . . . . 


Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Proof once and for all that we are all in fact androids . . . . . LET THERE BE LIGHT.

This morning when I got up I took my watch off and I noticed strange mechanical marks on my wrist under where the watch had been. I have not noticed them before, I assume because they had been hidden by the watch. I then wondered if watches were something we had to wear to hide the marks that would prove once and for all that we are all in fact androids. I therefore decided the best thing to do is ask someone who is not a human as other humans would also be androids, so I asked the dog, he sniffed my wrist and chewed it a bit and then said yes definitely an android and not even one of the latest models…… Damn; so I am an android. On the School bus I told the other pupils that I was an android and took my watch off to show them, then they took their watches off and they found mechanical marks under their watches too. So they were all androids as well. Well Freddie appeared not to be an android but he does not wear a watch, so we all decided that people with watches on must be androids and those with no watches are not, although interestingly enough they also can not tell the time very well.

In school luckily enough we had metal work all day and so we asked the metalwork teacher about all of us (not Freddie) being androids and he suggested that it might be good to build an android based on one of us to get an idea of what we looked like under our human disguise. I did say we could just cut the outer bit off, but he thought we might accidently cut though some cables just under the surface of our skin; that was good thinking but then he is a metalwork teacher and wears a large watch. So I then became the person the android was based on because I was first to notice I was an android. The school android however became more robot due to time restrictions and in order to make it do stuff we have to fall back on the principles of Clockwork Automated Logic.

Because the robot was based on me it was a friendly looking robot, I am you see very friendly, but the teacher insisted that we program in what he called Variable Random Stupidity, he refused to explain what that was, but I am not sure I agree with that.  Still by the end of the day it was finished and we wound it up to see what would happen. As it started to move . . .. . . Esmeralda who is mainly electro-mechanical anyway these days (after being eaten by the goat) said LET THERE BE LIGHT so The Clockwork Mechanical Rob Robot marched outside and brought back a lamp post from the street. Well that was a bit silly, but the metalwork teacher said it was the built in Variable Random Stupidity and just the sort of thing I would do……. THAT’S NOT FAIR.

Oooooooo by the way we finally got our big box of snowflakes ready for winter, one good thing about them is they are all different and specially made by an expert snowflake maker. . . . . . . . . WELL COOL (cool ….. HAH HAHAHA HAHH HAH AH HAHHAH HAH AHHAH ah hah hah ah hah ah ha )


Monday, 19 November 2012

A picture can tell the story of a thousand words and a seagull

I am rather tired and it is getting rather late so I have drawn a picture to explain the whole days events, after all they do say a picture tells the story of a thousand words. And it is possible to do a quick drawing,  much quicker that typing a thousand words, which would be spelt badly anyway, it is, you see easier to do a bad drawing that everyone understands that a bad story that gets confused.

However if you are reading the paperback and there is no picture then all I can say is it was one hell of a day and I told that ghost writer eating the seagull would only end in tears 


Sunday, 18 November 2012

Steam Punk soft toys, and gold hidden in hedges

I have had to leave the Ghost Writer locked in the room with the computer because he is still having teething problems with it (why do things have teething problems anyway unless you have teeth it seems a bit odd), I have promised to feed him once he has sorted the computer out a bit. He appears to be gibbering in an inconsiderable way but then he is an IT guru and I am told all IT people talk gibberish at the best of times so I am ignoring him until he has sorted things and I can drum in cyberspace. It was a really lovely day today although it was very very very cold indeed despite all the sun. This has one great advantage, in that the solar panels are making a bit of power on the roof and I think we have generated more power today than we have on any day in nearly the last two weeks, solar panels like being cold unlike me. We have also just had Mr Kris round chatting and he is planning to make steam punk soft toy sort of things, so that will be very cool (that’s cool, as in hay man, wow look at the seagulls? not cold as in Burrrrrrrr), I have promised to find him a few small gears and interesting mechanical bits for his project.

Please note I am having to draw my own drawing now, times are tough 

I did venture out briefly to saw through a couple more branches on the hedge, the thing is just too high in places so needs a bit of work. I quite like doing this ever since I was told by dad that when the garden was the perimeter of the old motte-and-bailey castle just behind us it was very common for the lord of the castle to hide gold in the top of the big hedges. And better still that if I found any gold I could keep it all, sadly so far I have not found any gold but I am still optimistic that I will as the hedges are very overgrow.

I am sure I must have done other stuff but just at present I cant think of what it was so I am running off again now to check on the Ghost Writer, if I don’t watch him he will get distracted and try and escape.


Saturday, 17 November 2012

Jack Frost and the Banshees, plus other things of importance

 It has been sunny today which is not what was predicted by the weatherman at the BBC, but it has been and still is cold. As it is dark and there is a clear sky I think we can predict that it is very cold, but I will not be going out to investigate, the only good thing about these sorts of nights is they are ideal for banshees, so it would not be entirely surprising to see the occasional banshee passing the window. Well we would if the curtains were open but they are not; but I am sure we will no doubt hear the claws of the banshees as they let their talons slide over the double glazing.  The only draw back is huge claw marks on the windows which then means the windows need cleaning from time to time. It is hard to find a window cleaner that will clean windows with huge claw prints on these days, apparently there is some sort of Health and Safety sub-clause (sub-claws . . . . HAHHAHHAh hah hhahhahh haha hah haha hahah haha ha ) that states if there is evidence of claws with a greater span that one foot (Foot . . . Claws . . . . . HHAHahh hahah hahh hah ahh ahh hah ha) then they can run away.

Sadly due to events I have just returned from outside, this was not something I was planning but that happens sometimes. What I will say is yes it is jolly cold indeed and the car is covered in a hard icy frost or is it a frosty ice, either way though there is frosty stuff out there. I guess this might mean that Jack Frost will be scurrying about round the house as well as banshees.

Elsewhere in the house the Ghost Writer is trying to fix my PC to do musicy stuff, I can tell it is not going entirely to plan because he is wailing and scratching at the widows in an effort to escape from the room. I was forced to lock him in because he was reluctant to sort out an old PC with the wrong software on, trying to make some hardware work that is not designed for either the software I have or the software I should have. Then he said the PC had a missing bit and where was the missing bit, well it was obvious that in order to concentrate his mind I needed to lock him in the room.

OK that’s it I have decided to run off now, life in cyberspace is very quite at present although as I remember rightly when General Custer’s Indian guide said that to John Wayne in which ever old film it was that the Indian guide said it in, all hell let loose and there were arrows all over the place.  So it may be best not to say it. . . . . . . . . .. . . .AH DAMN. There was a time when there were loads of westerns but you don’t see them any more these days, Mum says that they may be a bit non-pc these days but the dog has said HOW

The dog is now rolling about on his back in hysterics 


Friday, 16 November 2012

Steven Spielberg, a penguin, a goat, and a huge Steam Powered Mutant Alien Brussel Sprout Monster

I am a little late tonight in writing my diary as I have been at a preview of some interesting icons and wooden things at the little gallery in Montgomery, I was then further delayed by what turned out to be a not too bad fish and chips at the Monty chip shop. Well OK the fish was quite good and the chips were sort of OK although on both counts I have had better elsewhere. Anyway I am now thinking I need to write about my day what did I do, Friday I must do stuff on a Friday everyone has to do stuff. I vaguely remember the school mascot, the school goat soaring through the sky towards the out of town supermarket, it has been a while since he arrived through the roof skylight, so I think he was planning to stock up on fresh veg before the shelves fill with nothing but Brussel sprouts. I also vaguely remember the dog passing at speed with two frozen legs of lamb that he had managed to steal from the freezer section of the out of supermarket while the staff were chasing a goat.  And I did spent some time poking about at a PC trying to make some software and the like do stuff, but I need more RAM . . . . DAMN.

It was not a great day because it was cold, not very cold with snow and Penguins but the sort of damp dull cold that is just not nice, this in not the sort of weather that I am at my best in, I like it either snow with Penguins or some heat and sun. These sorts of days are not good for my diary, and in turn not good for the Steven Spielberg epic blockbuster movie, I cant see him filming my actor self (I am not sure who will be playing the part of me yet) sitting at a desk for half an hour saying ITS COLD WHERE ARE MY GLOVES AND WOOLY HAT.  What he should be doing is fighting a huge Steam Powered Mutant Alien Brussel Sprout Monster who has cornered the loveable, if a bit grumpy enigmatic school goat in a corner of the pet food aisle next to the three for two economy tins of dog food. Interesting arranged as a model of the Eiffel Tower by a bored shop assistant who on leaving university with a degree in structural engineering is now doomed to fill shelves with dog food; pondering if it would be possible to create an arched helix with counterweighted boxes of dried food to create an image of Einstein peering disapprovingly over the top of the pet insurance man in his little booth.

What is a worry is that tomorrow is likely to be cold with the added bonus cold rain, I do not like cold rain and I have reason to believe nether does Steven Spielberg.  There are times when the forces of nature do not help one bit. 


Thursday, 15 November 2012

Time and one of the Dark Arts

After a day yesterday when we were travelling about in an instantaneous way thanks to The Speed of Dark and the use of a Dark Anti-Light Particle Beam Engine, today we (me) have been brought back down to earth with a bump by one of the Dark Arts.  This has arisen as a result of Esmeralda’s forlorn effort to escape from the maths class the other day by sawing off two legs of her desk. So today at school I have been assigned the job of assembling a new Flat Pack School Desk with Integrated Storage from IKEA. As dark arts go the assembly of flat pack furniture is one that would scare even the cleverest of men (even Professor Brian Cox).  This is a task that has its own effect on time, because it seems to take an eternity to do, I was working away for hours and finally thought I had got the legs attached to the top and was scratching my head about the storage thinking I have been here for hours I will miss the bus home if I don’t pay attention. But the reality was it was only twenty minutes, I then battled on for what felt like a few more hours and was wondering what the bits left over were for, only to have the headmaster pop his head round the door and say. Well done rob z tobor less than an hour, very impressive but I think you have put it together wrong . . . . . . .


So I dismantled it and pondered all the bits again, you see there was one thing missing one very important item and that was the assembly instructions so it was all an up hill struggle. Anyway the hours passed and I finally got all the legs attached to the top correctly and started on the storage. It felt like had been there all day and half the night by then; but based on my earlier miscalculation of time I estimated it must be lunch time so thought time for a bite to eat and wandered off to the canteen. Unfortunately there was no one there so I thought I must be early and decided to check on the rest of the class but it turned out by then I had been there all day and everyone had gone home and it was Dark outside, a dark beam of darkness not shining in through the window making everything dark .. . . . . . . . .AH . . . . .DAMN.

ON the bright side because dad thinks I have been doing extra swotting at school he has given me a packet of Dark Chocolate Coated Peanuts as a treat which I am eating as I type. . . . . . .YUM


Wednesday, 14 November 2012

The Speed of Dark, Mr H, Professor Brian Cox and the New Scientist Magazine

As some of you will know among the various dimensions of cyberspace I am the grand leader of a small elite group of thinkers whose thoughts manifest themselves within their own various blogs. We are know as RATs which stands for Radical Abstract Thinkers and the objective is to apply radical abstract thinking to what ever takes our fancy at the time. One of the group yesterday came up with The Speed of Dark as apposed to The Speed of Light and I thought that sounds damn clever Mr H (the member of RATswhose idea it is) so in the best tradition of science I am nicking his idea. You might think that is not fair but science is littered with people who have nicked other folks ideas. Mr H himself is keen to point out that he has had several of his ideas nicked now, but is adamant that his brains have not been sucked out by a strange alien machine in the woods with a strange unearthly unrelenting flashing blue light at its source. Mr Jones says they have tried to get him several times with this terrible mind sucking beam and on one occasion he even heard a strange voice as if speaking through a megaphone saying to him We know you are hiding in the bushes Mr Jones now come out with your hands up and we will just pop down to the station and file a report again . . . . . . .sigh. Well as Mr Jones says we all know what that means they planned to remove all his thoughts and turn him into a Zombie Alien being.

OK yes back to The Speed of Dark, I was telling the Physics teacher about this and explaining that dark travels instantaneously because it is not fixed by the speed of light and therefore by using a dark beam it would be possible to leap across the universe in no time. So if we were to build a Dark Anti-Light Particle Beam Engine then I would be famous and win a Nobel Prize for coming up with a brilliant idea. The Physics teacher was very enthusiastic and made loads of notes and was scribbling little formula and the like as explained my idea (yes OK my nicked idea from Mr H). Then the lunch bell went and well lunch is important so I ran off and ate loads. . . . . . . . YUM

After lunch we had IT and the IT teacher said she wanted to show us the Physics teachers new theory which he has just submitted to the New Scientist Magazine which apparently is going to feature the physics teacher on the cover with that   Professor Brian Cox pointing at a mock up of a Dark Anti-Light Particle Beam Engine. Well that is a bit of a cheek the physics teacher has submitted my idea (OK yes MrH’s idea) as his own that’s terrible, I can see an expensive protracted legal action that lasts for years going on so I wish Mr H luck with that. I must remember to submit my own evidence first, next time I nick someone’s ideas before I discuss it with others.  I wonder if I can get my hands on one of those beams that suck’s brains out. . . . . . . .Mum has just said IDIOT

Ooooooo yes Heavy Harry the Cat appears to be back to normal and is his old grumpy self again now. 


Tuesday, 13 November 2012

No one likes an enthusiastic mathematics teacher do they?

Today started with a very early start to the day as we had to leap into action to get Heavy Harry the Cat into his steel travel cage and chained down before he had time to attack, and then get enough food out for the other creatures so they did not chew our arms off. We then had to have Heavy Harry the Cat at the vet before 9.00 am, but when we did get him there on time were told that Heavy Harry was last on the list of Operations. Why do they do that, they do it in hospitals too; you are told ooooooo yes make sure you are here by 9.00am and then after you arrive you find that you are last on the list and will get to see the doctor at 5.00pm because there are ten little old ladies before you, and they are a bit frail. A bit frail? Have you seen them at the hospital café they are always at the front of the queue and get all the best cream buns.

OK not sure what happened there I was talking about the cat who is OK now and back home, we have been told to keep him in tonight but he has insisted on going out so in a game of Paper Scissors Stone I found myself outside in the dark as chaperon to a slightly dozy, grumpy cat.  

 Luckily the Chaos of the convoy system in Churchstoke has vanished overnight and the roads are finally back to normal, which means everyone can drive like mad Looney’s through the little village again, which is good . . . . . .?

I am attempting to assemble a Microsoft Windows 98 computer but it is harder than you think because everything is made these days for Windows 7 so what appears to be easy in fact is a bit of a problem. I could ask the Ghost Writer to help as he is an IT Guru but he is still trying to look posh in his new coat although as many people have pointed out he is a naturally shambolic person whose own family were attempting to clean his shoes with furniture polish on his wedding day and then everyone fell about laughing when he put a suit on.

Meanwhile in school we had mathematics and today studied the mathematical theory of complex ligand- binding systems at equilibrium, well when I say studied we sort of looked dazed and confused and Esmeralda in a desperate attempt to be thrown out of class cut two legs of the desk she was sat at. But it failed miserably because the teacher pulled out a large tin of glue that he kept in the cupboard for such events, it appears it is quite a common thing to happen and then said we could all work on The Interface Crack Problem in Nonhomogeneous Bonded materials such as school desk legs.  Esmeralda of couse could not face this and leapt out of the window and ran off to hide in the school goats hut, where they played poker and ate Lemon Bon Bons until it was dark, when she scurried onto the back of the school bus only to find the mathematics teacher who gave here a rather good article he had found on the internet called Macroscopic pedestrian flow simulation for designing crowd control measures in public transport after special events.
No likes an enthusiastic mathematics teacher do they?

Monday, 12 November 2012

The Wild Beasts of the Hallway

 Heavy Harry the Cat is off to the vet’s first thing in the morning provided we can get through the general chaos of the roadwork’s and the convoy system that is in place through Churchstoke, to have his teeth cleaned and de-scaled.  This in itself is not a problem but he was not allowed to eat as from six o’clock this evening because they need to sort of knock him out with a jab of some sort.  Heavy Harry the Cat does not like having to starve so in order to be fair to all the animals are now banned from eating until Heavy Harry the Cat is in his travel cage and chained down. So tonight in the house there is a selection of hungry wild animals with nothing to eat except a large fly in the hallway and humans while they sleep. This means we have all got lot to lock ourselves into our bedrooms and barricade the door so we do not wake up with missing arms and legs.

Also tonight myself and my drumming colleague have taken our first tentative steps into recording ourselves and doing a little bit of multi-tracking, this was very much experimental and we have a long way to go yet to get everything sounding like it should, but we were pleased with the outcome. The next thing we need to do is sort out software on an old PC and set up various other old and rickety bits of equipment, so that we can then put our efforts out into the vast voids of cyberspace so everyone can shout RUBBISH at us.

OK this is about it for tonight as there are animals prowling about and getting twitchy plus a very large fly is messing with my typing, I hate it when they do that.

Good night and with luck I will not be eaten tonight……


Sunday, 11 November 2012

The local Remembrance Day memorial service, a Bi-plane and The Great Escape

Today started as a lovely sunny day although it was rather frosty and so we had porridge for breakfast, this is something of a tradition when it starts to get cold, in our house (not cold in the house but outside) and so I think we can now well and truly say that we are officially in Winter.  Not sure exactly what I was doing this morning myself although I do remember dad swearing at a car battery that was meant to fit into his car after he changed the one that he was sold that turned out to be the wrong size.  Although the battery was the right size the bracket that holds it in place did not fit the new battery, why do companies keep changing stuff all the time there must be a good reason for it? Anyway after much swearing and throwing of spanners at passing pigeons it was all sorted and his car now has a new battery.

While all this was happening (I say all it was not that exciting really) there was a Bi-plane above our house that someone appeared to be joy riding in or what ever the aeronautical equivalent of joy riding is. It seems like an odd place to do it, above our house all that loop the loop and whizzing about in little circles and the like, because there was only us watching and I always thought they did stuff like that in Bi-planes at air shows with loads of people going Ooooooooo  . . . . . . .Aaaaahhhhhhhh (not AAAAAAAUUuuuuuuuuuugghggghgghghghgh). Then after a bit the Bi plane sort of flew off.

The next thing was a Sparrow Hawk flying round the house although it did not do loop the loop or any other sort of trick really and all the sparrows were hiding going AAAAAAAUUuuuuuuuuuugghggghgghghghgh (not  Ooooooooo  . . . . . . .Aaaaahhhhhhhh)

Then we had lunch

Then we went off to the local Remembrance Day memorial service at the local church, now to tell the truth we are not really church type folk but when you live in a tiny place and you are invited along, it is bad form not to go and do you bit.  It is also bad form so the dog found out to dress up as Rommel and drive round to the church in a tiger tank even if it is a life size cardboard mock-up propelled by a dog on a unicycle in a Rommel disguise. The dog was therefore locked in the kitchen with two cats watching him from cardboard boxes on stools each with a torch panning backwards and forwards to ensure he was unable to escape. Just so they did not get too bored we left a pummel horse, a baseball ball and an old motorbike in the Kitchen for the dog, and told the cats they were allowed to throw the dog in the coal cellar if he tried to get away.

When we got back and dad told the dog off after he (dad) fell down a tunnel called Tom we ate food and pointed at clouds in the sky and wondered why there were two suns setting in the sunset, that was a bit odd but I did get a picture.   


Saturday, 10 November 2012

President Obama, Mr Jones and the Alien Optical Scanning Beam

  Mr Jones was about today saying that he spotted an Alien Optical Scanning Beam pointing into our garden. It appears that these are light beams projected from deep in space that scan our planet, and the reflected image allows them to analyse all sorts of information. It is very rare to see these beams so when Mr Jones spotted what was happening he leapt off his roof put some clothes on and ran round as fast as he could.  He says he has only seen these beams three times before, which is three times more often than almost the entire world’s population, which just goes to show how rare this event is. He has written several letters to the UK Space Agency, NASA and President Obama about the Alien Optical Scanning Beam and his proof of Aliens but has had no response so far, OK not entirely true, President Obama did phone him up only the other day and thanked him for voting. However at first Mr Jones thought he was an Alien and said take me to your leader, President Obama told Mr Jones that his wife was rather busy but he would send a signed autograph. Mum thinks President Obama may have phoned the wrong number and thought he was talking to an American Mr Jones not a mad Mr Jones living on the English Welsh borders who chases aliens in the woods in the nude (that’s Mr Jones in the nude not the aliens).

Have you noticed that you hear of people seeing aliens or ghosts and spirits or other strange things, even Red Indians and Gandhi but never a kitten of Zombies not even a single small Zombie (OK yes I do), why is that then??  

In other news Sooty the Cat is now impersonating Elvis there are two things that make it very difficult for him to do this successfully one is he cat sing and secondly he is black and I guess thirdly he is a cant. He does not know any of the words to any of the songs either and can’t do that thing with his leg even if you put axle grease on his paws, and he sleeps in a small box and chases mice. I don’t think Elvis chased mice or slept in boxes although I must admit I may be wrong about that, my knowledge of Elvis is limited.

I have also been up a ladder that was sort of swaying about a lot, although not in an Elvis way to cut down various bits of overgrown hedge. 


Friday, 9 November 2012

Zombies, a torch and a dark winters tale.

It is very dark tonight so I can not see a thing outside. How come cats get to see in the dark and dogs and owls and mice and all sorts of other critters in fact almost everything except humans. I suspect once, a long time ago we could see in the dark like every other critter but then some smarty pants scientist invented the torch and then our need to see in the dark diminished. And with time we have genetically changed so that we just can’t see in the dark at all now.  Which is all well and good except that when ever we grab our torch to go outside to investigate the strange growling noises the batteries are flat. I am all in favour of investigating growling and demonic screams in the night after all it could be a herd of Zombies (I am not sure what a group of Zombies is called). None of us would want to miss the opportunity to come face to face with a load of man eating Zombies in the dark would we.

I notice that Zombies can usually see in the dark too, but I think this is because they don’t know how to turn the torch on, and they certainly would never be able to change the batteries or operate one of those wind up torches. As it happens those wind up torches are generally rubbish, you spent ten minutes winding then like mad go outside, switch them on, and thirty seconds later all you have is a little dull glow, just enough to see a curious Zombie smiling and licking his lips at you a few feet away in the bushes.  I don’t recommend solar powered torches much either, I can see the principle of the thing, you shine the torch at the solar panels which generates the electricity to operate the torch but it does mean that as soon as you shine them out into the night the light goes off.

OK what has happened today, well school was a bit tricky because it was very dark and then someone accidently got the sound of the caretakers sack barrow (it has very squeaky wheels) and his singing (the caretakers not the sack barrow) mixed up which a stampeding gang of angry Zombies. They then warned the pupils in the rather dark corridors, they are all fitted with those silly energy saving light bulbs (the corridors not the pupils) by shouting … … … LOOK OUT A stampeding gang of angry Zombies are coming which somehow led to a certain amount of panic and screaming with teachers and pupils running up and down the corridors in a sort of irrational random way. Several teachers got knocked over and concussed, and then one of the school cooks threw a bag of flour at them thinking they were the Zombies. They certainly looked like Zombies after that as they staggered towards the medical room clutching their heads and groaning. Unfortunately the school nurse was not very sympathetic and tried to tie them up with bandages before making her escape out of the window where she fell into the mud and became the creature from the black Lagoon.  

It was only after the Police and Fire Brigade turned up and turned the fire hoses on The Mutant Egyptian Zombies and The Creature from the Black Lagoon that the error was discovered. The headmaster was keen to know who started it all and everyone looked at me, but I pointed out that I did not see a thing because the batteries in my torch are dead. And by the time I wound up my wind up torch it was all over.