Pies and the Death of a Small Mouse

Hello yes I am back to write my diary and keep you all up to date with stuff. Well what can I say all is quiet AGAIN, not exactly what you want to hear but sadly this is what is happening. As I have said many times before in this diary, it is a diary and well if you write a diary you have to tell it like it is, not add small embellishments to liven it up . . . . . OK yes I do that a bit, but only a bit, and it would be seriously bad form to add more aliens that we actually see. Luckily I never do, as Mr Jones is the alien hunter, and as a serious alien hunter he sees them almost every other day . . . . but he is a trustworthy alien hunter and who could possibly disbelieve a fanatical alien hunter convinced that all the major world governments have a global conspiracy theory to keep us all in the dark, and he is so dedicated that he does this in the nude even in winter. Anyway I don’t have time to worry about aliens because I need to be on red alert for Zombies, cunning little beasts that they are……

Why did the clairvoyant cross the road?

To get to the other side.

HAH HAH HA HAH hah ah hahah hah ah hahah hah ha hah ah ah ha ha ha hah ha ha ha ha  

Ok yes what have I been up too, well yesterday we were working all out to save a tiny mouse that one of the cats had caught although they both refused to own up to this. It did rally round (that’s recovery a bit not drive a car at speed through loads of mud) but despite apple and some seeds it died last night so was buried this morning. . . . . Flipper the Mouse would have been proud of us.

Last night was Mr Kris’s birthday party sort of meal so we all ate pies, roast potatoes, peas carrots cheesecake, meringue cream and cakes and other stuff; and as there is some left over guess what’s for tea (that’s northern for dinner), YUM.

This morning we set off to one of the local craft fairs with Mrs E but it turned out to be fifty years late (that’s the craft fair not us) or some sort of strange time warp thing must have happened because all the stuff looked a bit like it was made by granny in 1948. After efforts to look like we did not wish to escape we drank a cup of tea and sneaked out and vanished off for a chat and a drink with friends and Mrs E headed off. We decided not to go to the other craft fair just in case, after all there are only so many post war knitted Santa’s and gloves a chap can cope with in one day.

Luckily however the day has ended with another seriously cool looking sunset and I will soon being eating loads of pie and cheesecake and all the Zombie defence systems are fully operational so I can chill (that’s relax not get cold).   

Fly (Wasp) tipping and the Urban Environment on the longest day (NOT) of the year

What a hot day it was today very hot and sticky, but not sticky as in glue as used to fix tongue and grove cladding to walls, luckily we are still doing combined lessons at school and so today it was Art and Social Studies. I say Art, we were in fact repainting the walls of the outside of the school as part of the cunning economy drive while we discussed the Urban Environment and the implications of fly tipping. To me and Freddie the first and obvious implication of fly tipping is it would annoy the flies loads, but the teacher said that me and Freddie were in fact IDIOTS and that flies like fly tipping.

Myself and Freddie were far from convinced and had plans to do practical fly tipping experiments but flies proved to be rather agile, luckily while painting the grand façade we stumbled across a wasps nest so conducted an experiment on wasp tipping. And as me and Freddie anticipated proving our point quiet strongly the wasps were very annoyed indeed. But having proved our point the teacher said yet again that me and Freddie were in fact IDIOTS, however the teacher then ran off pursued by a large number of angry wasps but no flies.

Today is also the longest day of the year, well that is not entirely correct it is the day with the longest period of daylight during the day, well only in the Northern hemisphere. As for which day of the year really is the longest day that is complicated, because is the world slowing down or speeding up. I think it is slowing down so the longest day of the year will always be last day of the year due to the deceleration of the planet. A point I was planning to make to the Social Studies teacher but she was rather pre occupied at the time trying to outrun a swarm of wasps who by now were blaming the teacher for their nest being eaten by the school goat who having spent most of his life being annoyed by flies was fairly oblivious of the wasps.

Oooo yes although today was very hot I also tried an experiment at home to create rainbows as it was a good way to keep cool and I thought if I made small rainbows I might be able to find a small pot of gold at one end of it. Something which appears to be yet another urban myth.

One other small thing that rather amused me this morning on the radio was that Russia think (a few Russians that is) that folk deliberately don’t vote for them in the Eurovision Song Contest and it is why (OK one of the reasons) President Putin looked upset during the recent G8 summit, Sorry but try being Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest, yes I know the songs are also rubbish BUT…..     

Some Stuff, Frank and a Chicken

I have been drumming tonight with my drumming colleague summoning in summer because to be frank it is time it was here. The dog says there is just one small problem neither me nor my drumming partner (Pete) are called Frank. The dog has a good point, why then do we have to be Frank if we are not Frank, I have asked the dog and he has shouted down to me from the gable end of the house   "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn". And that has made him fall off the roof in hysterics, serves him right, and he has terrible wind, so time for him to Leigh-V……...

School lets forget school it was just a day with stuff that happens as it does on some days, and well you don’t want me to write about stuff particularly as it is a bit late and I am being disciplined and working on the Monty Cardboard Robot Club Cultural Olympian for the big show so cant hang about.

The chicken has had a bad night playing with his new mate, when I say mate I am use the word very loosely because he is a small cute chicken and his new mate is a much bigger black cat, Sooty the Cat. Still it could be worse it could be Heavy Harry the Cat as he has a strange idea about play that involves blood and innards.

So sorry that is it tonight it is the dilemma of a daily diary just sometimes there is not quite enough time to fit stuff in and as I have already stated I am sure the last thing you want me to write about is stuff, or in the case of the chicken stuffing HA HHAHAH AH HAH hahh ha hhah aha hah ahahahah ah hha ah hah h ha

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lots to do and no time to do it plus a run away Aardvark

It is getting more like summer everyday now, I don’t know how long it will last but hopefully it will be a lovely Easter holiday. Dad is complaining about the logistics of designing and building a new built in desk and moving the entire office while mum sorts out all the end of year paperwork because they are self employed. Then on top of that mum is organising the next exhibition of artwork.

Me and the dog are working on the invitations for the preview of the exhibition which will be held in one of the grand halls in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. I am amazed at times just how big his shop can get.  Anyway the dog is not that good at folding and sticking so he got to design it this time and it has been proof read by our proof reader so we know it is OK. And he is now in charge of the printer. He said I GET TO PRESS THE PAUSE BUTTON and then fell about laughing, But I’m sure he tells use this joke at every opportunity and he still thinks it’s really funny. I told him YOUR BARKING MAD but he just fell about laughing even more.

Dad is stuck waiting for paint to dry and has said IT IS LIKE WATCHING PAINT DRY only it is so that makes sense. Heavy Harry the Cat has just tried to bite the second hand off the clock that dad made, everyone else has just thought WHAT???? But Flipper the Wood Mouse has said IDIOT. I don’t think it is a good idea for a wood mouse to say IDIOT to a cat even if the cat is being an idiot. I think Heavy Harry must want feeding again so I will have to go. Ooooo by the way in case anyone is interested I had the FISH & CHIPS last night as they are the best fish and chips in the world and anyway the Aardvark had all gone; not as in run away but eaten. Apparently one of them has run away and is now hiding in the woods, Big Bill said it was a bit fresher than he was expecting and it leap out the box.  

Spatial awareness, the beach and roast Aardvark with a crunchy cheese coating for dinner

I decided to hide in the boot of the car and be a stowaway like on a ship so I could go to the beach this morning. Everyone got in and we set off after a while we stopped and I heard voices, then the boot opened and it was dad with a big plate glass window behind him and in it was the reflection of the Headmaster. Dad said you have to guess where we are and I said schooL.

The headmaster then said well done I am very impressed, I was a bit confused. Dad then went on to explain how we had been doing experiments in spatial awareness and that I would get in the boot and have to work out where dad was taking me by the movements of the car. The headmaster said he was so impressed that we were doing science experiments outside school hours he said I could have the day off. It meant I got to go to the beach, but I did say to dad that I only knew I was at school because I saw the reflection of the headmaster in the window but all he said was GOSH REALLY.

It was a great day at the beach and the dog ran up and down the beach chasing seagulls who were trying to eat Flipper the Wood Mouse I suppose because he is a small wood mouse. The sea was very calm and the only one of use that got to go surfing was Flipper as he only needs a wave three inches high as his surf board is only six inches long. He said he managed to surf over 50ft on one run but had to dive for cover when one of the seagulls swooped at him. While we ate our sandwiches at lunch time all the seagulls and jackdaws watched us in a long line there was loads of them but only one jackdaw was brave enough to come near us to grab a few crumbs, I think the dog smiled at them a lot and he is scary when he does that.

There was also a load of children from somewhere else who had a huge A frame device that the could walk along the beach with ropes but it did take about twenty of them to do it. One of them kept shouting and dad said if he was doing it he would have buried her in the sand for a while but mum hit him on the head with a sandcastle.

 Pirate Pete spent a long time running up and down the beach looking for treasure but all he found was a huge box of drift wood so he thinks we need to go to a beach with more gold doubloons buried in it next time although he did said it was great to be by the sea, we all agreed with that but then we came home. But we are off tonight to Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café for a meal so it has turned into an excellent day. I wonder if Big Bill will have one of those roast Aardvarks with a crunchy cheese coating and a blue curry sauce YUM

Elaine Kerley                                    Believe it or not, I know what a "boot" is. My Jaguar will tell me when my boot is open. I looked and looked until I found something "open" on my car! In the U.S., it's called a trunk! lol

I know transatlantic English can be complex I have run foul of it several times in the past. Boot Trunk or Bonnet, Hood (I think) even the humble car, we even have miles that are different lengths ours are a bit longer so our cars don’t go so fast. So if you were ever caught speeding you can say your car is a European car and was not breaking the European speed limit of the same speed as in Europe the same speed would be slower.  

Not sure I understand that and I wrote it

Pirate Pete and the Octopus. Science, Strong coffee and gangs of little old ladies.

At school today I was just sitting minding my own business in the geography class when Pirate Pete ran in and started to throw octopus at the teacher. I had told him not to do that last night but he has decided it might be fun. The teachers did try to catch him but of course he has steam powered bionic legs and can run at 50 miles an hour.

 He had Flipper his pet Wood Mouse with him who kept sticking his tongue out at the headmaster and I had to pretend I didn’t know who they were even though every time he ran past he would shout HELLO ROB and Flipper would squeak HELLO ROB…….. EEK. I think the headmaster was a bit suspicious but he had to concentrate on not being attacked by hungry Octopus. One very interesting fact about Octopus is they are very intelligent creatures and after an hour or so all the Octopus ended up in the science block doing experiments with the science teachers and eating salami sandwiches and drinking strong coffee. The science teachers said they preferred teaching Octopus and they asked if the could ban children instead because they said they are rubbish at science and don’t have enough arms to do some of the experiments correctly.

Pirate Pete passed me one more time and shouted SEE YOU TONIGHT ROB and all my class and the headmaster looked at me but I said he must think I’m someone else called ROB who is really friendly with mad pirates and talking animals, but I don’t think they believed me. The headmaster said he was going to come round tonight and talk to my parents but I did say that if I did know Pirate Pete (not that I know what his name is) then he would be at my house tonight with the dog and other scary creatures and even possibly banshee’s as they pop round on Thursday nights to play dominos with mum and might be a bit upset by headmasters looking for pirates. Anyway in the end the headmaster said he might just go home and pretend it was another quiet day at school and sometimes its best not to try and attack the 30ft man eating monster with an egg whisk and a sponge.

Back at home later Pirate Pete said he only came to make the day more interesting because the poor old ghost writer was running about all morning like a loony then had to go off to the hospital and then had to go shopping in the supermarket on pensioner day. Pensioners always appear all quiet and non scary but once you get gangs of little old ladies roaming round the supermarket shopping on pensioner day they can be awesome even the dog will run. Silly ghost writer he must be desperate if he was in there with that lot.