Wednesday, 31 July 2013

The Rocket, the Ghost Writer and the Vampire Ghost Wasps risen from the dead.

It appears that the Ghost Writer was in his big office today, the one that he will be moving out of very shortly; in fact he now has a date to leave this office which is about three weeks from today. He says this is all very well but there is loads of stuff in that office and he has this huge pile of paperwork that he has ignored since 2001 sitting in the middle of his desk, which will also be going (the desk and the paperwork). He thinks he will have to be a Ghost IT Man as he will no longer have an official desk in the new office, but he will get a shelf and draw to put things in, as he says the powers that be do not really understand all the baggage that goes with an IT man even a part time dodgy one.

Oooo yes the Ghost Writer is also grumbling about his car which is sulking with an unspecified electronic fault, you see an old fashioned steam powered car would not do that.

Yesterday I mentioned that I had been having a little bonfire burning some of the old fir tree in the garden, well unbeknown to myself while I was doing this I was being attacked big style by unseen beasts. Now clearly there are not that many unseen beasts that can attack chaps so that later on you realize that the unseen beasts have in fact stung and eaten half your body leaving you in a state of delirium and pain. I can only think of one group of unseen beasts that would be keen to do this as revenge for the destruction of their nests, and that is Vampire Ghost Wasps risen from the dead and out to give me hell for being nasty to them. It was nearly launch time before I was OK . . . . . . . 

Now you may think when I said launch time I meant lunch time but no you see dad is testing his new project in the shed, as he plans to send a small eccentric and unsuspecting child to the moon soon to look for the space gecko, he has not told me who he has in mind yet, but they are either mad or an IDIOT…..

Anyway I am not allowed to either mention or draw the rocket as dad only has planning consent for a rainwater recycling tower not a huge moon rocket, so best I say nothing. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN


Tuesday, 30 July 2013

The Space Ferret, The Paddle Steamer and the Pirates of the Caribbean . . . . HAR HAR HAR

So what exciting events happened today I hear you type, well I sort of did things that I have done before really, starting with a bit of Zombie defence maintenance, it is after all important to be vigilant or they will sneak in; and before you can say Boris Karloff they are stabbing at your head with a knife and fork demanding dinner. OK yes quite a lot of them prefer spoons because lets face it the right hand, left hand, mouth coordination of a Zombie is famously RUBBISH.

After this I had a small bonfire to try and get rid of a pile of bits still lingering about from when the men with chainsaws removed the trees that were starting to get tangled up in the power lines that run over the corner of the garden. It was not really the best bonfire I have had but such is the way of bonfires, but at least all the stuff that was on it burnt even if there is still rather a large pile of more bits to burn in the future.

I then decided that after the events of yesterday where the man in the moon was eaten by a space gecko I needed to make escape plans in case the beast turns up here. So I tested the Steam Powered Steam Paddle Steamer in the pond. It was raining a bit at the time so an excellent test of the conditions I will have to face when being pursued by a space gecko, and it also gave me the opportunity to do a quick re-enactment of  Pirates of the Caribbean again . . . . .HAR HAR HAR

Shiver me timbers
Sail the Main Brace.
Lash them to the seagull and make em talk about planks? ….. (sorry Walk the Plank)
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
Roast the parrot on the gibbered
More power Scotty there be a storm brewin HAR HAR
We'll have no Rhett Butler’s on this here paddle steamer, feed him to the sharks

It be gold HAR HAR
Run for your lives it’s a Space Ferret (sorry Gecko) HAR HAR HAR
Battle stations Dive Dive Dive . . . . . . . .NO hang on that’s not right

AH mum has said IDIOT.

Monday, 29 July 2013

The Man in the Moon, Strange Worlds and a Round Trip

A round trip today to get tiny things eventually arriving back home with the tiny things that we set off on the round trip to get; that you see is the nature of a round trip you arrive back where you started even if the overall shape of your trip in not round but more triangular. You seldom see folk saying I am just popping out on a triangular trip I will not be long, partly because some clever folk would ask if it was an equilateral triangle and then that would get you all flustered and you would end up forgetting why you needed to go our in the first place. Anyway in short what I am saying is we popped out to get some small stuff this morning that we needed.

Right now at this very moment I am pondering whether or not my drumming partner is due to turn up tonight or not, he has whizzed off to exotic parts of the world lately so our drumming schedule is out of sync, much like myself since 1972 when my watch stopped and no one told me for at least a week. I was a bit younger then, although I still am or I could not be the eccentric child of cyberspace could I; and I just assumed that time had stopped. Well lets face it no one tells you about things like that when you are younger and back in about the early 1950’s quite frankly I found the entire idea of time rather alien which is rather ironic because Mr Jones tells me Aliens are using me as a standard unit of time. I am not sure I approve of being a unit of time, what happens if I want to slow down a bit or even stop for a while….

Oooooo yes while on the subject of Aliens it appears that a large space Gecko has eaten the man in the moon, it was his own fault he should have never ventured onto the surface for a closer look at the beast.  I have electronically enhanced my drawing of this event which I was able to view from my trusty three and a half inch reflector telescope, sadly there was little I could do to help. After all he was on the moon and it was a very large space Gecko and you would hardly want me to make stuff up and say they became friends and danced about as a confused cow passed by would you . . . . . . . . . (AH DAMN).


Sunday, 28 July 2013

Life the Universe and Everything and the discovery of Forty Two.......

You can be pottering about minding your own business cutting some grass and hedges looking for creatures to do battle with, footprints of Zombies, and evidence of alien life in the undergrowth, when something will pop up at you like a little beacon.  In my case it was a number that sort of popped up in the garage. You see the nature of my diary and my bumbling about in cyberspace as the eccentric child of cyberspace, having strange and quirky adventures means that I can relate to the number forty two rather well. And there it was staring me in the face in the garage; the number that we all know represents the answer to life the universe and everything from that book written by that chap Douglas Adams who interestingly enough was left handed and owned a rather cool left-handed Watkins Guitar just like myself. 

Forty  Two

I think what this must imply is that through my own rather strange tale in the voids of cyberspace I am getting very close to finally solving the question to the answer that forty two represents. In other words I am on the brink of discovering what the universe is finally all about.

In the meantime however I have decided to go off and find a wild mad beast to draw in the darkest recesses of the garden. There are creatures out there that man has not yet set his foot on (sorry his eye on), no hang on probably best to stick you foot on it first, lets face it most things sting or bite humans although you cant blame them really, folk keep sticking there feet on them. . . . . . . HAH HAH AH HH AH HHAH HAHHA HAH HAH HAH HAH HA HAH ah ha hah ah ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ha ha hah a hah h h hh h ha hah hhahah hah  . . . . . . Mum just said IDIOT.


Saturday, 27 July 2013

Zombie Powder and Pointy Sticks

Today was a bit like the battle with the Wasps only bigger and with pointy sticks, but luckily I still had some of that powder we used to Zap the Wasps (sorry Wasps), so that sort of did the trick. We will not be seeing that lot again soon, But rather than bore you with a blow by blow description of the day I have just drawn a little picture instead which I think tells you everything you need to know; I tweaked it on the PC for dramatic effect too to highlight the battle at one of its more interesting points.

Oooooo yes it started to rain as well at about 4:00pm so that is summer over then . . . . . . . DAMN 

Friday, 26 July 2013

Micro-Steam Powered Electro-Mechanical Wasps and The Duchess of Cabbage.......

Last night after I had finished my diary entry I sort of mentioned I was off to do battle with the Wasps. I don’t mind Wasps normally, but with four nests all in close proximity to the back door; and as a result of the warm summer (so far) their numbers rapidly increasing, it was time to do battle. Now I thought the little critters would all be in bed but even after 10:30pm there was still some activity but I decided it was time to act. Dad had very kindly supplied me with a powder that he had bought from a shop which you puffed in the general direction of the nest and with its total range of about twelve inches meant I needed to be close up and staring the beasts in the eye so to speak. Easy enough with the ground based nest but no so easy up a ladder puffing the stuff under the roof tiles, PHEW I am glad we live in a bungalow.

So with my torch and powder I attacked the nests and WOW ZAP POW there were wasps all over the place loads of them (I mean really loads), because it was dark they were out to attack anything that was bright so the security light, the windows, and of course my torch which I very quickly switched off. Now these beasts were mad and out of control but I was OK because I just stood in the dark and listened to the massed swarms of wasps getting more and more confused crashing into lights and windows and then they all just sort of died.

I am not sure what is in that powder but I would not advice making dinner with it because just a small amount zapped an awful lot of wasps.

Dad has said he had got used to the constant buzz and attacks and it was too quiet so he is now making Micro-Steam Powered Electro-Mechanical Wasps to replace the real ones, but his are people friendly as they smile and can be trained to hum the national anthem, which he says will be very useful when that royal has her baby, you know the Duchess of Cabbage . . . . . . He is not really good with royals so a bit confused who they all are.

I would just like to point out No Wasps were harmed in the making of this Diary Entry . . . . . .  AH OK that’s not entirely true  . . . . . Sorry Wasps.


Thursday, 25 July 2013

Zombies, Hippies and Wasps

One of the things about writing a daily diary and also scribbling the odd sketch from time to time is that it all takes time to do, so very often I take a vague guess at what drawing I might need for the following day and quickly do the drawing at the end of the day. This is fine if I get it right, but sometimes I don’t or I start to draw something and the drawing goes seriously wrong. Last night was such a case because I really thought I was going to end up in a fight with a Zombie today. It turned out though that I ended up in a fight with a load of wasps instead having found a forth wasps nest, but on top of this my drawing was terrible as the Zombie turned out completely wrong, it is dead (excuse the pun) annoying when a Zombie turns into a Hippie. I really don’t know why it happened but it did. But that is the art game for you fickle and unpredictable, but it makes it interesting for the artist when you cant be sure the thing you start to draw is what will actually be what you draw.

OOOOOOOooooooo yes it was a WELL COOL sunset and now it is dark I plan to sneak up on some wasps so . . . . . . . TALLY HO CHAPS every man for himself…… 

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Rob Z Quatermass and the Pit, also starring Mr Jones as Mr Jones

Dad has always said it is good to finish the job you start so I was sent down into the deep dark damp smelly pit to remove the last huge bit of root, which luckily I was able to do highly successfully. Interestingly though under the huge root was the edge of a large silver disk that gently hummed, WELL COOL. I was clearing the mud off it when Mr Jones saw it and said what ever I did not to poke at it with a sharp stick as this was an alien spacecraft and these were seriously grumpy aliens, who have been known to destroy whole planets because someone has poked their spacecraft with a pointy stick.

Rob Z Quatermass and the Pit

So Mr Jones shouted into the deep dark damp smelly pit . . . . TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, but the large silver disk just hummed at him and did nothing. Anyway as we waited I got bored and had sort of sharpened a pointy stick to a nice sharp point and thought, maybe if I just jabbed at it (the large silver disk) a couple of times they might wake up and chat to Mr Jones.

Mr Jones said that was a bit of an error so after a quick assessment of the situation we both decided to runaway rather fast.

Yes I know I sort of poked at them a bit with a pointy stick but don’t blame me if they turn up and eat you, its not my fault, it appears they are grumpier than I thought they might be……

OK I must run . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


Tuesday, 23 July 2013

The Royal Baby, The Alien, The Red Kite and Wasps

The Red Kite with the funny call has been circling round the house today, I don’t think I have mentioned it before but it is often about and has a really loud call, and for reasons best known to itself had decided the best bit of sky was directly overhead today.

We also have a wasps nest in a hedge as I mentioned the other day when I accidently hedge trimmed the nest a bit much to the annoyance of the wasps. I did try and get rid of them with some foam stuff, but it has not worked so today, and as they often say on TV when they do something that is not a good idea  . . . .  I do not recommend you do this at home . . . . . I turned the hose pipe on the wasps nest to sort of move them on a bit as wasps are not fans of water or people who spray them with hose pipes. This was a controlled experiment because I did know what I was doing, which was confusing a whole load of wasps while everyone else remained indoors wearing bee keeping equipment and shaking their heads muttering IDIOT. Now just in case anyone is thinking poor old wasps I don’t mind them a bit further away from the house, but at present we have two wasps’ nests in the roof and the one in the hedge next to the back patio and that is a lot of wasps.

I also made the mistake of turning on the BBC news and as far as I can tell there is no news whatsoever except a small baby has left a hospital, surely that is not news, it is what babies do after a bit they go home to a huge palace and become king. However Mr Jones says that he was sketching the baby as it left and from his sketch he is convinced that it might be an alien who from the advantage point of being the king of the world will be able to summon his alien battle fleet and eat everyone. Sadly Mr Jones efforts to tell the royals of his thoughts have not gone down well, nor has his drawing which one BBC royal correspondent called an abomination, apparently it does not have webbed feet (the baby, the alien does).  Still as Mr Jones said they did have its feet well covered up when it left the hospital and one reason for this could be webbed feet….

He has a point we need to see its feet…………



Monday, 22 July 2013

The Office, The African Queen and Sky Treasure

The Ghost Writer was in his office today, it was extremely hot as it has been everywhere now for a while. He was also on his own dismantling the network as everyone has now moved out and for a few weeks he will get to play in a large office all alone so he can pretend to be the boss and have extra tea breaks.

However the heat got to him and in a desperate attempt to cool down and avoid the sun he decided to dress and move about as folk might do in a hot environment, based on his knowledge of hot environments, which is old films like The African Queen.  So I think it was no surprise that when he did eventually venture downstairs to the other office where other folk were working, wearing his improvised outfit, he was set upon by several passing policemen. As it happens the police station is just up the road (or down the road I still am not sure about protocol for up and down roads), anyway once he explained he was an IT Guru hunting a RAM and was the Ghost Writer of Rob Z Tobor they let him go and they wished him luck or was it said he was MAD.

As for me I was looking for sky treasure where X marked the spot HAR HAR HAR  . . . . . . . . . Sadly I was let down by the lack of convenient transportation to go up, so the treasure got away . . . . . . . .DAMN  


Sunday, 21 July 2013

The Fabled American Big Foot spotted on a Milton Keynes Roundabout

Mr F has headed back eastwards towards the roundabout town of Milton Keynes with its loud rowdy Premier Inn (well it certainly was while we were there). However one slight advantage of folk being noisy, drunk and shouting at one another is you do get to hear some interesting things. One bit of conversation I did pick up on was from one of the more noisy drunk people outside the bar who was telling everyone of a strange beast he had seen on the roundabouts of Milton Keynes which he said was a large ape like beast that was the spitting image of the famous American ape like creature known as Big Ears. He said he knew all about Big Ears because he had read that book by the famous naturalist Ernest Blyton and all his mates (all five of them) nodded and agreed that indeed he had.

The American Big Foot (Ears)

So it seems quite logical to me that if the fabled American ape the Big Ear can be found on a roundabout in Milton Keynes, there is a damn good change that out in the woods there may well be at least one and if there was I was going to find it. Even the Lemmings of Petrograd have told me in the past they have seen furry creatures with long ears flying out in the woods at dusk, so I set off to find it after Mr F left…

Well I say I set off to find it I was going to set off to find it but dad said I had to cut the hedge first which I did, well I say I did; I did most of it, but about three quarters of the way round the hedge I managed to accidently attack a wasps nest with the super chunky steam powered hedge trimmer. Wasps do not take kindly to being attacked with a large hedge trimmer even when it is done accidently and despite a quick apology and running for the hills one of the little beasts attacked my hand. Luckily I remembered that George Harrison in Raiders of the lost Ark being attacked by Beetles and he sucked the poison out straight away and lived, so I did the same.   And as you can tell I am still alive and typing…..

It also appears that the man who was telling all about the American ape like creature with Big Ears was reading the wrong book and he might have had Big Feet too or maybe just the one Big Foot (that’s the ape not the man although he had quite big feet)…….    

Saturday, 20 July 2013

Spiders and Hotels

I am back with some time to write (I think) as you know we have been off at the funeral of Miss A, and Mr F has come across to spend the weekend. While we were away we spent two nights at a Premier Inn which had two slight problems. One the bar and restaurant were full of noisy morons all evening and the car park seemed to turn into somewhere for boy races to pretend to be IDIOTS which they did very well, and the food was as far as we were concerned rubbish, no I mean really rubbish; I have never had fish and chips before that tastes of nothing. The up side to this was that on the second night we found a WELL COOL Indian restaurant in an old church that did great food and was also cool (as in not hot).  The Funeral all went to plan although we did get lost between the church and the crematorium but luckily found it after a slight detour and as we were travelling faster than the hearse we were able to tuck ourselves in behind it as if nothing had happened.  As we left the crematorium which as it happened was an interesting building the next funeral was entering and I have to say I have never seen that many folk at a funeral before and I reckon there was no way they were all going to get into the building because there were hundreds of cars queued out onto the main road and off round the corner.

When we got back home all was as it should be and no Zombies had invaded the house, it can be dead annoying after a long hot and tiring trip along the motorway to spend time fighting zombies and other monsters. Mind you I did find a strange spider in the fruit cage that had made a large silk den using leaves that was full of tiny spiders, I assume they were its young although despite me asking none of them would talk and point blank refused to respond to any questions what so ever. OK I am off again now as I have things to do . . . . . . . It is getting a right old game all these things to do all the time ……………….

Boats, Moons and a quick Hello and Goodnignt

I am back at the helm I can say that because while I was away I made the boat the helm is attached to, so in other words I can take the helm with me.

This is a short diary entry because it is near as damn it midnight, and probably will be by the time I get this in cyberspace, but in short PHEW its hot . . . . And Hay that moon looks cool, I got a picture of it using my little telescope so WELL COOL indeed.

After saying farewell to Mr F and heading home Mr F came to see us and arrived just an hour or so after we did, so he is staying for a couple of days, but he has to head home to be in work Monday morning.

I will tell of our trip tomorrow but it is good to be back in the West among the rolling hills of the English Welsh borders . . . . . . . So for now GOOD NIGHT . . . .  

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

The end of Art as we know it, and too much enthusiasm for small people....

As this week is the last week of the school year before the big summer holiday which as it happens usually means it rains loads, although dad insists it will be OK as he has finally sorted the Weather Machine after having to turn it off a couple of weeks ago to tweak things. I have told dad that once he turned it off the sun came out and it has been really hot here ever since but he assures me that unless he gets it working this week it is bound to rain during the school holidays.  Which brings me back to the point I was making, today I was in the local Junior School in Monty for what was the very last art class this year with the over enthusiastic small children who as it happened we a bit frazzled and hyper. I think a combination of heat (yes it is hot) and the prospect of seven and a half weeks of holidays meant they were mentally slightly scrambled and over excited, I am never over excited myself, in fact I have mastered the skill of non excitement to that of a grand master….. I did smile a bit once but I got away with it as it was in the dark.

 When I left I was given a home-made card, well when I say home-made I mean School made card with pictures of our final work OK not the Dragonfly as that was finished tonight; and I was given two bottles of Monty Ale. I know I am the eccentric child of cyberspace and therefore tea total (I do drink a lot of tea) but it was a lovely thought and many folk are now saying that they just fancy a nice cool bottle of locally brewed beer and don’t know where to get one from. However it has been decided that we will keep the bottles of beer for Mr F on his next trip to see us…

I will be away now until Friday afternoon as we are off to the Funeral of Miss A, Mr F’s wife so it may now be Saturday before I post the next exciting instalment of my diary, Yes I know I said I don’t do excitement but of course I am very aware that all my readers are excited by my diary entries (OK that is more than 1 and less that 10) but then who really reads that Shakespeare chap.

Luckily Miss I and Mr S will be holding the fort . . . . .. I am not sure about that saying, forts are usually huge stone buildings and trying to pick one up to hold it is near on damn impossible, even chiselling out a few stones from say a tower near the draw bridge and holding them is not easy. For one thing you get shouted at loads.  

Monday, 15 July 2013

Hadron the Micro God of Timelines of Technical Enlightenment and Jigs

Today was hot; life in a south facing glass building with no air conditioning is tough, us Brits are just not designed for hot summers and high humidity. In fact it’s the high humidity that is the problem if it was a dry heat we would be better off you don’t see folk complaining in the great deserts of the world that the office is too hot. 

It is the last week of school and tomorrow will be my last week of teaching small over enthusiastic children for the year, next year they will all be a year older and just slightly less enthusiastic, sadly this does tend to happen as you get older so when folk shout at you  STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD you can say it is in order to remain enthusiastic and create great things very quickly …….

 I have noticed that it is just starting to get darker in the evening now, so it means that we can put the fairy lights on again, as most of you know we have a simple philosophy  that says you cant have too many fairy lights.  Fairy lights of course were originally created as an offering to Hadron the Micro God of Timelines of Technical Enlightenment and Jigs and even to this day it is not unusual to see strings of fairy lights at barn dances, sadly however they are seldom seen in the old established corridors of science these days Science mocks the world of Micro Gods saying things like HA HA HA HA HA DRON. But  it is nice to know that he may be a Micro God but the largest atom smashing machine in the world was named after him (The Large Hadron Collider) even though he is a Micro God and therefore not large.

I know what you are thinking … . . . He is rambling again, is he going to tell us what he has done today or not after all this is a diary not a scrap book (I hope that was not a little mutter of O YES IT IS). You don’t see scrap books anymore they have been thrown on the scrap heap (HAH HAHAH HAHAH HAHHAH AH HHHAH HAHH Hah ha hah ahah hah ha ah ha ha ha ha ha dron) and you don’t see that smelly glue that folk stuck stuff in scrap books either.

OK yes today I . . . . . . . . . . . Hang on I have forgot but I have been drumming this evening and saw no Zombies….      

Sunday, 14 July 2013

The Reduced Diary Post

I have arrived late and it is dark very dark, yes the bulb in the light has gone, I say gone I really mean it does not work as it is still there. It is also still hot and sticky and as I still have things to do so sadly I am off again now to do those things and have a shower to hide from the heat.

Mr F has headed back home to sort final things for the funeral on Thursday; I have made things and done a bit of work in the Zombie defence ditch and runabout pointing and going AH yes I still have that to do. . . . . . .And as I still have things to do I will now scurry off and do them…..

Sorry that is rather short and to the point and will be skipped over when we make the film.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

The Car, the RAC Man and Pgytis Manra the Micro God

AH yes last night as we went off for a meal with our Friend Mr F to The Sun we sort of broke down, I say sort of because after kicking the car a bit and hitting it with a large stick then phoning the man from the RAC who put us in the priority list; I explained that the very nice Steven Spielberg was making a movie and that a car braking down was rather a nuisance when there is a large film crew in convoy stopped on the main road. Which of course is true it would be, and will be, when Mr Spielberg gets round to making the film, but then dad and Mr F managed to get the car going again so we made it to The Sun (the inn not the big orange thing in the sky) so we phoned the RAC man and said that all was well.

Pgytis Manra the Micro God of Cunning, Stealth and  Small to Medium Machines

Today is seriously hot again and added to that the  grass strimmer was not working so I was sorting that out and discovered the spark plug was a bit rubbish even though the voltage to the spark plug was excellent, I also discovered that my heart works fine too and that a large voltage to my body has no effect to my typing ability which is sadly just as bad as it was before.

Anyway in order to avoid further mishaps I have drawn Pgytis Manra the Micro God of Cunning, Stealth and  small to medium machines…… 

PHEW its hot  . . . . . . . .really hot 

Friday, 12 July 2013

The Big Bang, the Mattress and the Kitchen Sink

Last night as we watched the ten o’clock news on the BBC on our television there was a loud whooshing bang and the house sort of gave a very gentle leap to the West, so we all looked at one another and went off to find out what had happened as it could have been anything from the long expected Zombie attack or Aliens or the unpredicted End of the World.  Actually that last one would be rather amusing, after all folk have predicted the end of the world almost from the start of the world so if it turned up unannounced everyone would be dead annoyed (or dead).

As it turned out it was in fact one of our neighbours who is moving house and rather than take all the stuff in it, he has decided to torch it.  He had a fairly big bonfire the other week and last night he set fire to beds, mattresses, pictures, chairs, the piano, the gas cooker, the television, the bath, and the one everyone knows the kitchen sink. Of course some of this stuff does not burn to well so he had made sure it would burn by adding a large tin full of petrol and then as they say lit the blue touch paper and ran like hell; well not so much ran as sailed through the sky with a trail of smoke behind him….

I did run in to grab my camera but missed getting a photo of the really big flames as petrol and mattress burns really fast. His immediate neighbour kept guard for a while because he was (the chap who started it) running back and fore to his house with buckets of water as the long grass which was rather dry due to the recent heat was burning rather well also. Its WELL COOL (OK hot) living out in the wilds, as loads of wild things happen that are dead exciting….

Oooooooo yes we are off out for a meal tonight so this is it for now………

Thursday, 11 July 2013

The Apprentice Final, Lord Sugar, the BBC and Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous Steam Powered Mechanical Duck

Last night I watched The Apprentice the program on the television where that Lord Sugar is selecting a business partner and making a few pounds at the same time (he is no fool that’s for sure). Last night was the interview with the last five candidates remaining where they have to explain their business plan to several high fly business folk who pick holes in each plan and tell them they are in fact total rubbish.

As I watched it, it became very clear that in reality all five of them really did have really rubbish ideas, well OK four of them did, but the fifth was doing a sneaky and had another partner hidden behind the scenes so basically got chucked out for not playing by the rules.

It now means that the last two in the Apprentice final who are both women have ideas that I would not invest in, let alone poor old Lord S who I guess has to grit his teeth and smile… One wants to start a international baking brand which seems slightly mad (??..... Ooooo look a flying pig) and the other, non intervention cosmetic surgery or as far as I could tell, stab folks faces with needles full of stuff (I think)

So I hear you say what has this to do with me, well you see my idea for the program of mass producing Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous Steam Powered Mechanical Duck (ironically called Rob), recreated from the long lost drawing he did, to sell in its millions to the Chinese who love ducks was laughed out of the board room. Those yuppie BBC folk said my idea was futile and would bite the dust before it ever got going, although my prototype Da Vinci Steam Powered Mechanical Duck bit Lord Sugar rather than the dust during the demonstration which may have affected the final decision and I for one was not amused by being told that all Steam Powered Mechanical Duck scientists are in fact a bunch of Quacks ……………. HAH HHAHAH HAHH AH hah ah ah ha hah ah hah ah ah ha hah ah ah ah ha hah ah aahhh OK it was a bit amusing 


Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Praying Mantis on the Shropshire Plains

Our good friend Mr F has come to visit, in fact he made it here before I had even got out of bed, but as we are now chatting to Mr F giving him the time to relax and chill I must be quick and to the point. So today I made a Praying Mantis because Mr ESB has three real Praying Mantis roaming about in his garden which is WELL COOL. A paper and card Praying Mantis is not really the same but this is Shropshire and I don’t think they like it here much…..

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Small Ships in Big Seas and Bigger Fish to Fry in the World of Cardboard Art

Guess what …….. Yes it is DAMN hot again, but I won’t go on about it, I am not like those other Brits; you will never hear me complaining about the weather . . . . . . . . (Much . . . . . . . OK a bit). As it happens I had bigger fish to fry so to speak which is an ideal saying as it happens because not only could I have fried a fish on the patio today, but I was left with two and a half hours maximum to come up with a brilliant idea for the over enthusiastic small children who I am sort of doing art with in the junior school at Monty. I think all the heat made me decide that what we needed was a sea theme so bigger fish to fry is a very suitable saying indeed I also love fried fish YUM. So I created (in a mad rush) the sea and a pirate boat so that the small enthusiastic children could decorate the sea with fish and sea monsters  . . . . . OK sea monsters, small children love a few sea monsters and as it happens so do I, although I must admit they are better when they are huge real sea monsters with loads of pointy teeth eating sun bathers on Brighton Beach.

I sort of nicked a bit of Moroccan blue paint to paint the sea so as long as I don’t write about that in my diary mum and dad will never know . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN. Still it did make the sea look WELL COOL although in passing I should say it was rather a hot day (VERY VERY HOOOOOOT). 

At the school the enthusiastic small children were rather frazzled by the heat so drawing sea monsters and fish was more than they were capable of doing so we tried musical chairs which worked for a short time but it was too hot to run about so was only a temporary solution in the end we were left with making fans, not the ones that run about screaming, but the ones you flap about in your own face to remain cool. I can make a good fan so it kept one or two of them quite for a while (a very short while), I then staggered home in the heat and will remain hidden until it cools down.  Mr F is going to visit us tomorrow and will stop for a few days so I may have to do rather short diary entries, it may be regarded as rather antisocial to hid on a PC when you have old friends stopping………


Monday, 8 July 2013

A Hot Day in a Speeding Ice Cube

Today was all about heat because it was hot again, some say it was hotter than yesterday and they may be right. But one thing for sure is it was hot very very very hot. I bet as I moan about how hot it was and still is, even though it is well into the evening there are people in far off lands saying CALL THAT HOT,THAT’S NOT HOT,THIS IS HOT as they show off their tropical forest or desert, but there is one thing all these really hot places don’t have which makes the heat in Britain so much worse than anywhere else on Earth. They don’t have us British complaining about the weather, we are the best in the world at doing that and can make any day into an epic weather disaster with a HA HA HA and the wave of a hand.

So I have tried twice to cool down but on both occasions things did not go to plan so I am back just being hot because as I said just a few seconds ago it was very very very hot and I mean hot.

So Plan One was to freeze myself into a large block of ice but there are draw backs to this which I had not planned on, the first of which is it is rather difficult to move. I bet you are thinking he should have thought of that its obvious, but due to excessive heat my brain was not working and by the time I was frozen in the block of ice it was too late. And I had not anticipated the arrival of some rather annoying Arctic Terns, who I swear were laughing and sniggering while they sat on the ice. Finally it is not good to be at the top of a long slope trapped in a block of ice when it starts to slide down the full length of the High Street, Esmeralda said she never pushed it but I could not turn (tern, turn HAH HAHAH HHAh ah ah hahhah hahh hahahhah haha) round to see. The good thing is that if you are trapped in a large block of ice hitting a brick wall at high speed will get you out. But I was really hot then . . . . . . .PHEW.

Plan Two, have a nice long bath now what could possibly go wrong, well it appears when I emptied the bath it flooded the utility room so I had to clean it up and in the process got rather hot due to the heat of the day as it was very hot…….. Did I tell you it was very very very hot today, I mean it really hot……… 

The DAMN beast has gone for now PHEW

Sunday, 7 July 2013

Erifa the Micro God of Deserts and Hot Places

Today has been hot very hot, I am not sure if it was hotter than yesterday but it was hot. I managed to do a bit of this and that and paint a very small wall Moroccan Blue and I appear to be slightly more reddish that I was, but after working outside in the sun for three days it is hardly a surprise……. Anyway did I tell you that is was hot today, because the one thing I remember as I crawled across the patio on all fours in a delirious haze of deliriousness was thinking DAMN it is HOT REALLY HOT…. And the vision of Erifa the Micro God of Deserts and Hot Places was sat on the summer house sniggering…… 


I see the Grumpy Scotsman won the win thing PHEW that means we can finally put that old sporting Ghost to bed at last after three thousand years.

 And Finally

For those of you who are happy I smile….:)

And for those of you who are sad, I am sad…. :(

Ooooooooo yes did I mention it was very very very hot today, no I mean it . . . . . . . . really hot.

Saturday, 6 July 2013

Micro Gods, Tennis, Building a Moroccan Water Feature . . . . . And Newt Spicy Pickle

Today was very hot indeed possibly the hottest day of the year and I think we reached 30C which is something that does not happen that much in the UK, Dad is pleased of course because it means that the Solar Panels on the roof are generating loads of electric and we also have panels for hot water so today we have had more hot water than we know what to do with. Strangely however it was not the best day to work on the construction of a posh Moroccan patio garden, as I was building a raised water feature that will be painted Moroccan blue and may have a rather flash stainless steel cascading waterfall, dropping  down into the present pond. Apparently it can’t be like Niagara Falls because it will make the Newts deaf; Newts are protected in the UK to stop the public making jars of Newt Spicy Pickle which became very popular and almost saw the complete destruction of the little critters in the wild. As it is you can’t buy a jar of Newt Spicy Pickle anywhere now it is as if it never existed much like grass-snake soup and bat fritters all lost to the foibles of modern conservation.

Anyway I have finished all the concrete work now, and it was rather nice to be able to sit out in the evening sun in a half complete Moroccan patio garden having our evening meal and listening to the Castle of the Bishops Samba Band as their drumming drifted across the mile or so towards us on the wind.

Finally I have to say that here in Britain we are reaching the highlight of the tennis season Wimbledon, I am not a fan of tennis but I believe we have a Scotsman in the men’s final tomorrow so all I can say is COME ON TIM. It was the women’s final today which I think was won by a woman. As it happens these things are less sportsman like than you might think because who wins what and when is all in the Hands of Professor Maddos A Hattar the Micro God of Sport and his cat. . . . . . . Anyway my money is on the Grumpy Scotsman in the final tomorrow although I will not watch it; I might go and pickle a few newts……       

Friday, 5 July 2013

The Mortality of Man

As you all know my diary is a quirky, light hearted and often strange affair as I interpret the events of life in my own way, however today is a sad day. If you remember back to the 24thFed we went down to see dads old friend in Milton Keynes as it was his sixtieth birthday party, dad and Mr F have known each other for almost fifty years since school days. It was good to see Mr F and his wife Miss A, but three or four days after seeing them Miss A had to go to hospital. It turned out she had a brain tumour and sadly after several ups and downs she died last night in the early hours of the morning……..

It is a funny old world and if there is one thing we cant actually do it is prevent our own death at some point, all we can do is muddle along and do what we do.  It is one of the reasons I write my diary because when I eventually die . . . . . . .  I am hoping to become a very grumpy mad old bloke first and wave sticks at folk and tell bizarre tales that no one will believe and eat loads of rubbish junk food. I am not sure what the right age is to start eating loads of junk food; start too early and I will be huge and not make it to old, but if I start to late I will just get into it and then die and people will say WE TOLD HIM NOT TO EAT THAT triple cheese big mac whopper with extra fries and the deep fried Mars bar, see what happens.

Anyway as I was saying it is one of the reasons I started my diary, ‘The Mortality of Man’ I have a theory that long after I am gone folk will look at my diary and say who the hell was this mad old grumpy bloke writing strange bizarre tales that none of us believe. I would rather hope at that point to be able to look down on them from wherever and shout BOOOO, but I have a feeling it will not be allowed.