The Village Market and a Mad Vicar

(10...)

Today was Market Day in our little village, when I say little it is small just a huddle of houses. Although we do have a village hall (the location of the market), a garage, a health food shop and a church, but no vicar. We used to have a vicar but he retired and the new one went mad and ran away. Vicars are not keen on Zombies or Witches Covens and because we’re not that far from The Devil’s Chair we have both in abundance and they do like a quiet church for parties and general get togethers.  Something some vicars can find tricky to come to terms with.

Anyway back to the point. My wife and I headed off to the market to buy stuff. There are veggies, an ethnic stall that sells some nice shirts for £10 (a bargain, I have loads), a bread stall with very nice bread. They are a strange religious group, but seem a nice bunch of folk. Well the women are; I have never seen any men and the women are all from the USA. There is a smallholder who sells great sausages and bacon and someone selling interesting cheeses. There is also a chap selling ancient tools that old folk like me chat too and ponder tools from the past. OOOooooo and the man who sells me loads of bird food. . . . I’m sure he has trained them (the Birds) to eat extra.  . . . . And a few other stalls from time to time plus the option of tea and bacon butty’s on site . . . (I now have them as the occasional treat, not every week).

Anyway after a chat about stuff and then wandering home it was time for a cup of tea and a bit of cake and then some lunch and a chill with another cup of tea. A chap needs to rest after a long morning testing sausage samples and poking at obscure tools and complaining about how much small birds can eat.

After lunch it started raining again (I was not happy) but I ventured out towards the workshop I am making and did some proper work fixing a breathable membrane on the outside of the structure before I clad it. Thanks to the rain I still can’t fit the roofing felt. And I must take a few pics soon.

I then ate food. Pasta, so something healthy which means I can maybe eat something unhealthy later, we will see.  I am chilling again now in the office and the cats have not found me yet so it is peaceful and that is good.

So that’s it . . . .  a fairly uninteresting day in general, but this is a diary and folk dont leap about doing exciting things every day.

The Great Unspeakable Monster of the Underworld.

Harry Potter is not Dead he is just Nesting

AHAh ah ahah ah ah ah ah ah ah h ahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha 

ha ha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha 

Yesterday as we all know was Valentines Day and here in the village this means that we all meet in the village hall and have a traditional Sunday lunch, which is grand. Now being a very rural location what this tends to mean is that folk pile their plates up and eat huge amounts of food. In fact the amount of food folk can get on a plate can be a bit scary, but they seem to manage to eat it all. However all that eating of all that food has the slightly undesired effect of many folk needing to take a trip to the village hall toilets. Sadly the village hall toilets are not as efficient as one might like so when they get used on mass then certain masses get stuck in places they should not. This in turn leads to a degree of panic as water levels rise in the toilets rather close to overflowing while folk scream and run about.

Well the thing is as some of you might remember in a moment of madness a while back I said I would sort out the village hall toilets as my good deed for the community. . . . Yes that was very mad indeed. So as I was eating my cheesecake, ice cream covered in cream yesterday a voice whispered in my ears the loos are blocked and it’s horrible. Well there was little I could do yesterday so this morning on what has turned out to be the sunniest day of the year, I set about my task of sorting out the blockage in the pipes. The sun shining down from above and a huge unspeakable black monster of doom peering up at me from below, turning my spot stood in the car park into midway between heaven and hell.

Anyway after a bit I sent the demons of hell back down the forbidden pipes of the underworld and wandered home to tell all of my great ordeal as I fought the great unspeakable monster. The thing is no one wanted me to speak about it and said it would put them of their dinner, but I did point out the great unspeakable monster mainly consisted of yesterdays valentines dinner and it was alright for them but I had, had to fight the beast and encourage it back into the underworld.

I also took a brief trip into the Castle of the Bishop today where I looked at wool and pointed at some other wool.  And I drew a picture of a cursed wizard because I rather liked the image although all I can say is I bet he was not as cursed as I was this morning; that is one monster you will not see on stage (well I hope not. . . . Potter Poo YUCK.)  . . . . . .     

Houseflies . . . . .What is their cunning game

As you know I live in the countryside with the woods to one side of us the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence behind us and rolling fields full of cows and the local village. I say village it is almost a village it is not big, but we do have a village hall which has its Friday market due to a twist of fate, and a rather good health food store that has been here for almost ever.

Now being rural with cows peering over the hedge at us and water (sort of) behind us means we do see rather a lot of flies in the summer, yes even the rural ideal has its little annoying issues and flies are a bit of a pain at times. But for reasons I have assumed must be connected to some sort of long term change in the world order or even linked to alien invasion, this year the flies have mutated. Yes they still look like your average housefly being blackish with six legs and wings but they are now ferocious and aggressive. 

I mean flies have always been a bit annoying but not actively aggressive dive bombing you and hitting you in the face. Flying directly at you rather than thinking OOOOoooo is a huge human I better get out the way. So why has this happened it is not something I have seen before. As I have said it must be something like aliens or the like.  I know aliens are a long shot but just imagine if insects coordinated their attack on us poor unsuspecting humans with our soft sensitive skin. I heard that once on a TV advert so it must be true, not that the insects had coordinated their attack on us, but that we have soft sensitive skin.

Another thought was maybe this is a global warming thing because insects can adapt much faster to environmental change than other critters which is why some beetles moths and other insect critters from warmer climates have been seen in Britain but not larger things such as Panthers, wallabies, porcupines and pterodactyls . . . . . AH DAMN. . .   No the point is all the big ones have been brought here by folk who then get bored and let them go, where as the little insects have made their way here by choice.

Still I may not know exactly why the flies are so aggressive (its aliens for sure), but they are; which is why we have a big glowing flyzap in the kitchen.  Finally I will say you can not but be impressed by a fly sat on the edge of a very hot frying pan like it has not got a care in the world trying to work out how to steal my bacon as it cooks. 

A lovely sunny day and the rise of Zombie Mutantational LTD the decadent face of Western capitalist Zombies

OK I redrew this because the last time it turned out rubbish

Today was a lovely sunny day and so I spent part of it pottering about in the garden, as it happens I am not entirely sure what all this pottering is all about really. If I was standing on the lawn shouting Magicus cationum flybyx with a small pointy stick and a cat dressed up in a superman cape and mask then pottering would make some sense. As it would have back in the nineteen sixties when many folk lay about puffing away on dodgy substances; not something I did as it always seemed just to turn folk to mush. Folk would always say such things opened their minds to the weird and wonderful; I have to say I am not convinced as many of these opened minded folk now vote conservative, play golf and complain about the youth of today with their short hair and wearing clothes that look just a bit too small.  Then there was Bill and Ben the Flower Pot men they were about in the nineteen sixties and they were dead dodgy if you ask me.

Anyway I have lost the plot and need to return to the day which as I said was lovely and chilled. . . . . Well when I say chilled it was here but in the distance at various points things happened, yes OK stuff has to happen or the universe would fall apart and it will take ages to explain why so best just to glaze over the point quickly.  . . . . For NOW.

Yes as I was saying stuff happened, firstly those dragon flies were about again back and fore like dragonflies. Then the other Black Cat not ours got what I think was the slightly poorly pigeon, I was not happy pigeons are cool birds and although messy, are the friendliest critters you could ever chat too.  We chatted to Miss Jo and drank tea (Miss Jo is a person not a pigeon I’m not mad), I have eaten bacon and fried bread and I nearly saw two gliders. Then we heard the distant sound of some neighbours having a fight off in one direction while off in the other direction a chap was shooting at stuff well I say stuff it may have been his visitors, family and friends or pigeons, life in the country can have its moments. And our neighbours behind seem to have set fire to their chickens again, as its dark its hard to tell, but it smells like they are burning the chickens again, I think chickens must like fire.

Oooooo and I have invented a new word MutantationalS as in Zombie Mutantational LTD in others words . . . .  Mutantational is the decadent face of Western capitalist Zombies with their converse trainers and designer brain sandwiches and the like.

So no Big Questions dealt with today just a peaceful day in rural Shropshire.

Can Zombies Ride Bicycles. . . . . . . . (PART 3).

The argument continues to rage about whether a Zombie can ride a bicycle or not, when I say rage I am in fact lying but it sounds good. You see the public are apathetic about things, this stuff is important, imagine you are trying to outrun a Zombie and then you find they are chasing you on a bicycle. It is going to make a difference to your escape plan and may involve more stairs and leaps across difficult open voids.

Anyway I thought I need to prove this with an experiment; experiments are one of the things that separate man from beast. You never see a Lion with a clipboard,  wearing a white coat watching a line of test tubes as they skip across the Serengeti . . . . . OK yes you might but only the clever ones, you lot must stop nit picking. . . .

Now as it happens yesterday was the local village Harvest Lunch where the village get together and we all eat loads of food (jolly good food it is too), I would have mentioned it yesterday but I was dealing with the big question of the moment. But it also attracts all the little old ladies out of the woodwork. This is good because if you are planning to do an experiment with Zombies it is best to use something less dangerous than a Zombie but in terms of how it moves about and does things is very similar to a Zombie; a Zombie substitute. Well what better than little old ladies they have many Zombies attributes in terms of physical presence and ability and are slightly less dangerous inasmuch as they don’t try and eat your brain, they merely hit it with umbrellas (the pointy stick of that generation).

Anyway after bribing them with Sweet Sherry, Rich Tea Biscuits and a signed photo of Mr Ken Dodd I was able to get one or two of them to attempt to ride a bicycle. And it proved once and for all that a Zombie would definitely be able to ride a bike although steering it would be a bit erratic, this did cause some issues on the main road during the experiment when passing motorists had to veer a lot into hedges.  And I did discover that one of the main issues, one worth remembering if you are ever pursued by a Zombie on a bicycle is they can’t stop very well.

One interesting extra thing the experiment showed is that Little Old Ladies can swear like troopers or worse than a trooper I would say.  Luckily most of the words were unknown strange country words that are seldom used and things would have been fine had not the curiosity of the vicar not got the better of him. As it happens we had two vicars for the Harvest Lunch and we have all learnt many new words, words that the vicars will never get to use.  I did tell the vicars that Zombies did not use such terrible language but are more likely the rip their arms off and eat their brains.

Apparently vicars don't like Zombies or little old ladies on bicycles so they left.  But I have proved my case. Zombies Can Ride Bicycles, and having now crushed the NO Voters I can move on to another important Question of our time.

Should you have an important Question of our Time why not consider proposing it . . . I am after all a professional blogger now with a blog . . . . . . . . . .      

President Putin, NATO, Scottish Devolution, Spies and Ordinary folk

Yes sorry I have used an old favourite picture tonight

Well everyone . . . I spent the morning at the Village Hall Market, it’s a great market where everyone is happy and chilled we drink tea eat bacon butty’s and cake and catch up on local news. Now don’t go thinking O GOD NO LOCAL NEWS. . . no we are an interesting and cosmopolitan lot (I say lot but our numbers are few-ish) and so I was chatting to a chap who’s bride to be is a Russian woman and all was going well until a certain world leader said to his mates. . .Those Decadent Western puppets and their imperialist leaders are weak it is time to start retaking the empire. And besides, me and my comrades are very wealthy we can do what we like now. like fight bears, bARE chested . . . . . . . .  . . . HAHA HAH hah ah ah ah ahah Fight Bears, BARE chested . . . You are not laughing Igor I think it better if you do right away. . . . No I  insist. . . . .   

But events have lead to a cooling in Anglo-Russian diplomacy leading to difficulties if you are an Anglo-Russian couple hoping to marry and settle down in the rolling Shropshire hills of a tiny village.  Anyway the local chap said he knows a few people who know a few people and so he has pulled a few strings and managed to get a whole load of the Western Imperialist leaders together to have a chat and work out which one of them is going to be brave enough to go and see President Putin and explain to him that they are just a ordinary couple who what to drink tea, eat bacon butty’s and cake in the local Market on Friday Morning.  Not Spies with listening devices hidden in the wheels of wheelie bins outside the  secret NATO building hidden round the corner pretending to be a small holding, which in turn has bugging devices placed all over the Kremlin. . . . . . . Hang on it is probably best if I don’t mention that bit . . . . . . . AH DAMN.

Interestingly I note that the Western imperialist leaders say that the Ukraine, which was originally independent then sort of became part of Russian through force but decided to become independent should be left alone to make its own policies and decisions and the West and Russia should respect the views of the native Ukrainians. . . . . . . . Ooooooo it sounds just like Scottish Devolution . . . . sort of, but with less tartan.    

Zombies, Flower Shows and Speed Limits

Yes sorry its an old picture today 

Cos I have been at a flower show

Well I have survived Sunday at the flower show where I was doing my bit as the go between, between the two parts. One part being the flowers in the village church and the other being the tea, coffee, cake and sandwiches in the village hall. It is hard apparently to find a go between these two buildings as they are on opposite sides of the road, and although very close to each other in a small sleepy village, our small sleepy village does not have a speed limit. So crossing the road can be a bit scary as folk passing through in cars look at the advisory 30mph speed limit sign and then drive through at 60mph plus. It is very inconsiderate of them indeed some have suggested that it might be due to the large beware of the Zombies sign I put up, well that and the two large life like Zombies placed near our one road junction holding axes (that’s the zombies not the junction holding the axes). I thought it best to alert passers by to the possible risk of Zombie attacks. These things always seem to start in small rural communities and it is best to be prepared.

Much to my surprise the village raised nearly two thousand pounds in all which is for the local church. I did suggest that we could make models of the Undead rising out of the ground in the church yard to slow down the motorists but some church folk were thinking it will make matters worse and the vicar did have a look of disapproval. But we gave the vicar huge amounts of cake and biscuits meat and other stuff. So next time he may be a little more Undead friendly or the vicar could be on double portions, he will certainly feel Undead with all that in him.

I have not spotted an alien in the Commonwealth Games yet but that is because of life and the complexities of getting through it in a rational and easy going way.  Involving as few trips across roads where folk are going too fast and seem rather sceptical about Zombies or even ordinary folk meandering along in a chilled and relaxed way.  I think folk need to learn life is not for rushing . . . . . unless running away from a Zombie holding a large axe near a road junction or the Undead are rising in the church yard. . . . . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN.

Ooooo it was not quite so hot today. . . . PHEW.

And I saw a frog.

The Hunt for Vampires, Zombies and Ghouls and a rocket made from parts from China

This morning I thought I would hunt Vampires, Zombies and Ghouls as it was rather warm; and in order to be able to sneak up on these terrible beasts I also thought the best thing to do was to disguise myself in such a way that the Vampires, Zombies and Ghouls would be unaware of my presence. In other words I disguised myself as a terrible beast that might eat bits of brain or feet.

Rob the Zombie

As I prowled round the village using cunning guile and stealth I sadly saw nothing, but I was aware that at least one of the Vampires, Zombies and Ghouls must be close by as I could hear people screaming and running off in all directions. I did try to ask a couple of the villagers about the beast but each time I approached them the terrible  Vampire, Zombie or Ghoul or what ever it was scared them off, a rather cunning plan if you ask me to stop me catching it.

Having returned home for lunch and having been told to go and wash I was forced to hunt the beast without the disguise in the afternoon but by then a large group of villagers were out with twelve bores and pointy sticks. They said the beast was horrific the scariest thing they had ever seen with huge eyes and pointy teeth and mad hair, apparently they said it looked just like the mad demented twin brother of me.  I am really annoyed I never got to see it, but when I told mum she said we were all IDIOTS?

Anyway despite the roasting humid evening I thought it best to do a bit more work on the Zombie defence system and even our friendly builder Mr Chris says he will call in next week to ensure that what ever terrible thing was prowling the gardens and woods it will not get to eat me.

A Rocket

AH yes something terrible happened yesterday you see dads rocket which will only ever be the second all British expedition to the moon has been criticised by Mr Addman and Mr Flip who have said that most of the rocket is made from Chinese sourced parts. They have (well that Mr Addman has) demanded that that we write on the side of the rocket Mainly constructed from parts manufactured in china. I did not have enough paint to do this, but in order to appease their concerns I managed to write A BIT CHINA on the side; I was planning on writing Chinese but ran out of space.