The as yet unknown Insect People of Saturn . . . . . Keep Watching the SKIES (sorry EYES)

The Ghost Writer has been in his grey office today pondering the strange world of IT, now before you all say hang on that got nothing to do with unknown things, that is not entirely true. You see he is going ga ga (as in loony, not the singer . . . .as I have said before) and so quite frankly has not got a clue what he is doing, so he spends most of his life in a state of unknown.  He is much happier like that, sometimes it is best not to know.

You are all no doubt all aware that in the last couple of days I have had close encounters with Vampire Moths and tonight I almost came  face to face with a large pale coloured spider. I say almost because it ran off and hid when I sneaked in to grab the camera. I have learnt I need to photograph everything or folk say things like O yes how big did you SAY; it stood four feet high and snarled at you……. Well if I wave a photo at them they go O MY GOD ITS HUGE KILL IT……. However the spider ran off so no picture only an artist’s impression . . . . . OK I may have got carried away a bit, but I have a theory.

Well all this insect activity made me think HANG ON maybe all these insects are just acting like pre-invasion scouts testing the lay of the land working out if us humans taste good before they (the Insect People of Saturn) attack us.  This now appears very likely to me because the small scouts (almost certainly nano robots) insects will be telling the main battle fleet in space that our main defences consist of nasty smelling aerosol sprays that are as good as useless, sticky strips of paper that catch the odd fly and scented candles which appear to choke the humans and for some reason even most humans can't understand clear plastic bags full of water hanging outside windows.  Yes it appears the insects may not only think we are weak and feeble but with rather tasty blood but also mad.

I have no plans to hang plastic bags full of water outside my windows. . . . No one is going to call me mad. Although it will make an interesting backdrop in the popular Steven Spielberg movie The Invaders from Saturn . . . . Based on a popular blog by Rob Z Tobor.

Trusty Old Converse Trainers unwittingly saving Aliens and other stuff

I had my trusty old converse trainers on today in order to ensure safe passage through the day. However the headmaster reckoned as today was the last dry day for a while and I was wearing what he called a manky pair of old trainers I could cut the school playing fields. Well that was not fair I tried to explain that for a tiny period of time my old converse trainers were famous on the internet, well for about a week they were, but it was like water off a ducks back . . . . I am not sure about that old saying I spent ages chasing a duck once to get the water off its back and as far as I could tell it looked just like water.

Cutting the grass was hard work for both me and my footwear but it did come with its own rewards because while I was cutting the grass I saw a small but noisy aeroplane, well it sounded like a small plane but it was invisible and it circled overhead then headed off in a northerly direction.  I then saw two invisible Red Kites (the birds not the fabric device used by Professor Frankincense). When I say I saw these things I looked at where the noise came from but did not see them as they were invisible.

However after lunch where I had told Esmeralda, Freddie and his ferrets and the school Mascot (the goat) about the invisible things I took them off to show them to prove they were there and real, and I was surprised to find a crop circle or a grass circle. This means that the invisible small plane was in fact an alien spacecraft, probably one of the Venusian Battle cruises mentioned yesterday and it was having engine problems. And the Red Kites were in fact aliens from Venus (the planet not the tennis player) and they were saying thanks for sorting out a decent landing pad with nice short grass. 

We have been out to see Mr M again to make sure he is OK I was able to show that if you slide a walking stick up the side of someone's leg while they are wearing trousers and are a bit poorly, they are completely incapable of moving. Mr M is not eating all his food so I also balanced five oranges on the end of his walking stick; that was before I trapped him in bed with the leg trick. AH  . . . . . . DAMN I have a feeling I may have forgotten to remove the walking stick from the side of his leg before we left. I guess the nurses might notice.

Aliens are from Venus, Zombies are from Popular television shows.

As I said yesterday the Ghost Writer had to go into his office today to do things, he is not happy apparently he has got five more working days till Christmas, it does not sound much to me. He says that there is only eight of nine more Saturdays till Christmas and only about three weeks until Easter eggs start appearing in the shops and the hardiest of folk start queuing up to buy the Boxing day sale bargains.  As someone who makes things out of cardboard boxes, Boxing Day is a good day as in general there are lots of empty boxes about that folk do not want.

The Ghost Writer says he wrote the greatest technical paper ever written about something no one is interested in and then he shouted at some software.  Of course his technical paper is technically not the greatest technical paper ever written as my diary is, although it uses a lot of paper. It is also the dynamic opposite of his technical paper as everyone is interested in my diary, well everyone except the very nice Mr Steven Spielberg, but I now put this down to the fact it is too heavy to pick up these days and he is getting a little older than he was.

To slightly change the subject myself and Mr Jones noticed a bright light in the sky to the west tonight, low on the horizon hovering in the air at dusk.  So it is plainly an alien Venusian Battle craft masquerading as a planet, but we known, they can’t fool us, we have not been turned into Zombies getting excited by folk baking cakes, and things like that in order to win a glass cake stand.

Those Zombies are testing the human population and once enough folk spend the night watching cakes bake, or so called celebrities who keep telling the nice Mr Spielberg I am mad, dancing in circles or the man from the butchers singing the green green grass of home while his dog tap dances; they will make their move (that’s the Zombies not the dancers). Well that’s if the aliens don’t get here first and end up in a battle to the death battle with Zombies while the human race phone up to vote for the fire eating granny from Blackpool or a French ventriloquist oblivious of what is going on outside (that’s the humans not the French ventriloquist) .

AH . . . . . . . DAMN I got all distracted again, this diary is getting a bit erratic. Anyway I got a photograph of the alien battle cruiser with the Steam powered Y Ray telescope as evidence of what is going on.  People don’t believe me without evidence which is quite frankly unbelievable.  

The advice of BBC Skygazing Live as told by Mr Jones and Professor Brian Cox . . . NEVER RUB VICK ON THE CHEST OF AN ALIEN

I was jolly tired last night and after a restless night being bounced on by a cat who thought he had caught the world’s largest mouse hiding in a duvet  I was not my usual bouncy self this morning, in fact I would say I was tired, grumpy and rather grumpy yes I was double grumpy. Particularly as I had to leap into action again to fight off mad axe-men with chainsaws, which I was doing rather well until I was hit over the head with an Armadillo toaster and told I was an IDIOT; it appears that the mad axe-men with chainsaws are tree surgeons from Scottish Power . . . . . . . . AH.

I then had to explain to them that I thought they were mad axe-men, trying to turn me into a zombie as part of a horrible master plan orchestrated by militant Penguins annoyed by mans over use of ice cubes in drinks. I think they understood and said IDIOT in a friendly chirpy way indicating that they did not really mean it?

Well it is an easy error to make in my opinion

The mad axe-men (sorry Tree Surgeons) were very cool they had arrived to cut down all the trees growing close to the overhead power lines where I had cut a few trees from until I was told I was an IDIOT, I had underestimated the voltage by about 10,000 volts or so. So now we have this big clearing between us and the woods which is better than it sounds because we can now see into the woods and watch the banshees flying in the evening and werewolf’s sneaking up on Mr Jones who has returned to earth after his encounter on the 21^st Dec last year (The End of the World) with the aliens. He said things happened he did not wish to talk about, but his key bit of advice appears to be never rub Vick on the chest of an Alien even if it does have man flu.

Ok back to the point, the mad axe-men (sorry Tree Surgeons) were not able to remove all of the biggest tree a very large willow tree so they will be back in a couple of days to fell the main trunk. It will grow again no doubt but we can now prune it in the future without the risk of death. It appears if you touch a damp tree that is in contact with a power line it can electrocute you to death or worse, Particularly terrible if it happens over Christmas as you may be mistaken for a novelty illuminated Santa and find yourself stuck to a tree for a couple of weeks until folk notice you are charred at the edges a bit.

Oooooo yes if you live in the UK the very nice man with the smile Professor Brian Cox is on the television in that  BBC Skygazing Live tonight (8.00pm BBC2) which I will be watching, but it does mean that the sky will be full of clouds and they will tell you exactly the same as Mr Jones (although not in the nude) NEVER RUB VICK ON THE CHEST OF AN ALIEN EVEN IF IT DOES HAVE MAN FLU.

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Suspect Martian war machines and the main reason that intelligent intergalactic alien beings have never communicated with mankind

After a day of discussing geo-thermal parabolic troughs and the influence of neoclassical architecture on post modernist architectural design as well as an experiment into whether caterpillars prefer red cabbage or purple sprouting broccoli. School ended yet again fairly quietly. Esmeralda has been much happier today after discovering that with the aid of her steam powered bionic arms she can throw the javelin almost 500 metres, and by using her interchangeable clip on power grinder she is able to sharpen the point so that it will; to use her own words ‘PIERCE the toughest skin, even that of a grumpy aging goat’.  

Since arriving home the man from ASDA has been and gone and did not knock his mirror off on this occasion and I have been out looking at the bonfire I started up yesterday as it is still happily burning away in its little bin. I have also started pruning the fruit trees a bit and cut the grass and investigated the purple sprouting broccoli or what’s left of it ……. AH.

The dog was telling me that there were suspect Martian war machines in the fields not to far away; he even took pictures to prove it. Both the dog and Mr Jones said that they had been to see the Martians to appease them. The dog took a large partly chewed bone as a gift and Mr Jones a photograph of himself with no clothes on in case they wished to experiment on a human. The dog said he did not see the point in the photograph as Mr Jones was not wearing any clothes anyway and thinks this is why they vanished off rather sharpish. In fact the dog thinks Mr Jones is probably the main reason that intelligent intergalactic alien beings have never communicated with mankind, because if Mr Jones is first on the scene not wearing any clothes and smiling and waving at them holding a large placard saying Hello I’m your friend, it is no wonder they leave as fast as they can. It probably explains the unfortunate incident when he thought the motorway patrol car that had stopped so that the police could have their evening meal (cheese sandwiches) during the night shift was an alien space craft. It was the flashing blue lights that confused Mr Jones and it did not help that the police sergeant had to be taken to hospital when he choked on his sandwich as Mr Jones emerged out of the mist….smiling.  

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The Venus Fly Trap Transit and the cup of tea

I missed that whole Venus thing, maybe I’ll catch it next time around, although I might be getting a bit rickety by then. I think the trick is not to know about it because telling everyone that it is a once in a life time opportunity to see a black dot drift across the sun is a little unfair. I am not sure that I am worse off as a result of not seeing it, but I was able to recreate the whole even in the house last night anyway.

By shining a small directional bedside light into the top of a mug of tea from the correct height created a disk of light on the ceiling of about seven inches across that looked like the sun I was then able to watch a small black dot move across this disk just like Venus would. On closer inspection it turned out the small black dot was in fact a spider not Venus. Although he is now called Venus so it was sort of Venus.

This too  was a unique event only witnessed by myself, well I did point this out to mum but she said IDIOT, that  seemed very harsh on a small spider who is called Venus or to give him his full name (I think he is a pedigree spider and they always have long names) Venus Fly Von  Trap. So called because of his diet and the fact he has several brothers and sisters who will insist on running up hills singing ‘The hills are alive with the sound of buzzing’     

I don’t know how but I got roped into helping with the filing, no not the bars of Benny Neckbenders cell that’s tomorrow night but it is very secret…………AH, sorry Benny mum has said IDIOT again. No it was paper filing all to do with the Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Curiosity Shop, it appears that even the Devil has to do a tax return although Mr Beelzebub apparently lives in a tax Haven (HAH HAHAHHAH HHAH HAHah hah hhaha hah ah hhah hah ahahha ha h ha)

And we saw the sun this morning for a while but then someone somewhere must of tried to have a jubilee street party because it suddenly poured down and has been wet since. Why is it, it rains on school holidays and is sunny when we all go back to school, this seems rather unfair to me.

OK that’s it I am off to do a bit of work on the Cultural Olympian and make flames for his torch. I have decided to make some small things after this as they are structurally much easier to deal with.   

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The Queen and Elvis and Aliens from Venus

Today has been the local village /hamlet Queens Jubilee party and it all appeared to go well, we have been involved in its organisation to some degree as I had agreed to create a name the royal competition and mum had agreed to judge the make a crown competition. I thought I might win the crown competition what with mum judging and the fact that I had bribed her with some pocket money (about five thousand pounds). Plus I had made a crown based on a Russian Imperial crown (what with mum being a secret Russian spy) and I am if I say so myself rather good at making things like this. But no, nothing not even a third place in the crowns based on the monarchs of other nations of which there were three entries. It appears mum was being fair and unbiased and therefore could not award me a prize but thanked me for the five thousand pounds……. NOT FAIR. 

The name the royal competition was a great success several people said they thought it was very good but did wonder why Elvis was included. Some people even asked me if Elvis was related to the Queen, and I had to point out that Elvis was the King. Luckily most people already knew that Elvis was the King, although someone asked when Elvis was King and had never seen his picture on any coins, and one person thought Elvis was Prince Edward?. I’m glad that I did not include BB King, king Crimson or King Kong or things might have got very confusing indeed, and imagine the embarrassment of confusing King Kong and Camilla; anyway only one person got all twenty five right and won a giant chocolate bar.

I’m sure it is tonight the shadow of Venus crosses the moon and can be seen from earth, or would be seen from earth was it not for the fact that in Britain we are now back with the classic and traditional grey summer sky. According to the dog it is tonight that the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus should all start eating humans, as this shadow is a sign. But of course with all the best plans of aliens some small detail scuppers the plan and the British weather has saved the day as they will not see this (nor will we sadly). And it will be nearly another two hundred years or so until it happens again so I think the Aliens from Venus will be thinking………….AH, and the great Alien mother of Venus will say IDIOT

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The Greek Financial Crisis, the end of the World and the aliens

Saturday and yet another grey day, there is an old saying that goes 300 GREY days does not make a summer and I am starting to think it is quite a wise saying, despite mum saying IDIOT.

The Dog has gone off with Mr Jones, he is the man who gets abducted by aliens and experimented on. It appears he was abducted by aliens again last night while prowling about in the woods (looking for aliens). He says they were cunning, and were all dressed as policemen, they even knew his name saying “OK Mr Jones you have been warned about prowling in the woods at night” and when he said take me to your leader he was whisked away in a spacecraft with blue flashing lights and a noisy siren. After a night in a dark cold research cubicle where he was fed some sort of horrible alien food and a cup of tea, he was set free.

I am trying to attach a leg to a body today, but it is trickier than I thought and I had to remove the Olympians arm in order to do it, so now I will have to attach the arm on again. I am also working on a plan to make ribs, I have a feeling most Olympians have ribs, to tell the truth I am not sure how many they do have, so I will do it using aesthetics (not athletics HAHAHHAH AHh hah hahahah hah hah ah ahah aha) .

I noticed in the newpaper this morning (the Guardian) they were talking about Greece leaving the Eurozone and someone saying that it will be the end of the world and that we will all die unable to purchase a thimble full of water and a dried crust. This is because the entire world has lent Greece so much money that if they are unable to repay it then there will be no money in the world, (on account of the fact that we gave it all to Greece).

I have asked mum why the entire world has lent all the money in the world to Greece and she said because the bankers are IDIOTS……… Ah that would explain it. As it happens, the interest we were hoping to get back from the Greek loans has been lent to Italy and Spain as a cunning way to earn loads of money from the money that we have lent to someone else before they have paid it back.   But if we don’t get our money from Greece then the money we lent to Italy and Spain does not exist, which is fine because they cant pay it back either.

Apparently in the giddy heights of global high finance you don’t need real money just a piece of paper to say someone owns you the money, which was OK until a small child in southern Europe demanded their pocket money in real cash, starting a domino effect. And the result of all this is as The Guardian Newspaper and BBC news appear to be saying; The End of the World.

The Ironic so called Double whammy in all this is that the Olympics, which I am making my Cardboard Cultural Olympian for, are costing Britain a small fortune as they have done over the years for many countries, and who started these ludicrously expensive games in the first place ………… Yes the Greeks. Mr Jones says they are not Greeks but aliens who plan to take over the world by lending planet Earth “Martian Blings” a popular shiny coin with a fixed intergalactic currency value…………… Mum has said IDIOT again   

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The SUN on SUNDAY the letter S (part2)

The Sun on Sunday an interlude....... I refer to the big orange ball in the sky not the suspect Muck Doc (Sorry Newspaper), which I am not allowed to read. Apparently according to Mr Smith the newspaper Sold its Soul to Saturn or at least the Staff did, which at first I thought sounded Well Cool, but It SEEMS that they sneak up on unsuspecting people and hack them to death and put all the peaces in   Newspapers.

I suspect it is a sneaky plan by the alien invaders from Saturn to substitute some of the worlds population with Saturnians ? (or something like that). I do have to say, some of their choices for SUBSTITUTION are suspicious if not silly.

AH..............OK Mum has explained I have assumed the wrong hacked as well as misheard Mr Smith he said they had sold their Souls to Satan. It appears the Soles that get put in the newspaper are deep dried and sold with chips and sprinkled in salt. ........ YUM  

Oooooo yes it was a sunny day by the way that was what I was going to say (write)

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DON'T PANIC its official, its only Aliens from Venus

It is Dam hot again today and due to the Government telling everyone DON’T PANIC and then the BBC News saying DON’T PANIC, the great British public are as you might expect picnicking (Sorry Panicking). If you’re part of my international Audience I must explain that the tanker drivers who deliver petrol to all the filling stations may strike in a few weeks time. So the government, to reassure the public who otherwise would probably not even know of this impending strike has told everyone DON’T PANIC.   

Well as we know from history the last thing anyone should do when the massed masses of the public are involved is to say DON’T PANIC because this is what they will do PANIC. So now we have a petrol shortage due to PANIC buying and the result of that is MORE PANIC. Well let’s face it; I think we all know exactly what is going on don’t we.

Yes it is the Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus, having escaped from their mushroom boxes and changed the climate so that the UK is now so hot that only those with a good supply of water are likely to survive. But as we all know it has not rained now since 2^nd February 1872 so ……………AH. Now we have no fuel for our cars either so are unable to go to places where there might be water like Spanish holiday resorts or Scotland or even Blackpool Beach. The Easter eggs are all melting and the price of a sun hat is £27:50. Then a man comes on the Wireless and says DON’T PANIC is he a fool (I believe he is the Prime Minister as it happens so?). The dog says he is not worried he has a huge stash of bones buried in the garden so PHEW. But mum said IDIOT, I think she may have directed that at the wireless not the dog.

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VERBS, VOWELS and a VENTRILOQUIST VAMPIRE

I was feeling very optimistic for the letter V; The little old ladies of yesterday were in school today doing Victorian Needlecraft and advanced Voodoo. After their rather Vocal if Vain attempts to kill the Vampires when we were the Undead, sort of making a mockery of “U”.   We were all dressed today as Vampires, so Well Cool. I even took my Ventriloquists Vampire Dummy with me and was practicing on the Bus says things like Very Vice to Veet Voo and A vottle of Veer……….. Veronica said in her opinion I was the Verst Ventriloquist in Vaa  Vorld.  

Victor the Venezuelan Van (Bus) driver said the Venezuelan Villagers Venerate the Vampires and often hang a Vulture or a Viking on their doors for the visiting vampire who will vibrate the doors on the darkest nights when nothing is visible. After running over a Vixen then a Vole and then a Violin Virtuoso who was playing Vivaldi by the Vineyard we arrived at School.

As yesterday the band of little old ladies, plus the Vicar were there and they Shouted it’s the Venomous Vindictive violent vaporous UNDEAD……….. What? Undead, we said we are Vampires we were the Undead Yesterday, but they Shouted KILL THE UNDEAD, KILL THE UNDEAD. Throwing Valuable Vincent Van Goth’s (sorry Gogh) pictures plus a Vermeer, a Venetian Vase and a Vast number of empty Vodka bottles at us.  The Vicar shouted Vanquish the UNDEAD, Vanish, Vamoose. And we said We are not the Undead we are Vampires………………... Miss Violet said she thought they were Victimizing Vus (sorry Us). They were last seen all heading to the Vestry at the Vicarage.   

The headmaster was dressed as Lord Voldemort, only the Vanilla V neck vest top made him look more like a Vagabond, Esmeralda said as she was a  Vampire she would bite the veins of Voldemort (The Headmaster). But it turned out that Voldemort’s blood was too Viscous. 

Anyway after it was discovered a visiting Viscount and his wife the had a virulent Virus we were all doused in Vinegar in the Vaults and sent home.

Venison and Veal Pie with garlic for tea YUM …………….AH apparently is Vegetarian Pie with Vegetables and garlic ……….YUCK

 Too many Verbs and Vowels for a VENTRILOQUIST……. A gottle of gear……..Mum just said GIDIOT (sorry IDIOT).  

Ooooo by the way I never mentioned Venus ................... AH I just did  

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Rebekah Brooks the horse and very confused Alien Mushroom Creatures From Venus

There I was minding my own business pondering what I should write in my diary, should it be yet another quiet day at school watching the seagulls eating chips again and or discovering that the maths teachers large abacus when placed on the floor beads down makes a brilliant luge and that the corridors of the science block are almost an exact replica of the fabled Cresta Run. There is nothing more exciting than passing the physics teacher at 70mph lying on a luge (sorry abacus).

As I was saying I was pondering all this and listening to the wireless and eating a rather yummy stir fry.

So as I listened to the news on the wireless and the continuing death of the people of Syria, Mr Napoleon Beelzebub is not a happy man (Devil) and I was thinking will I discuss politics or the now rather large mushrooms in the box containing the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures From Venus. Or maybe the rather good bonfire I had after school where I was allowed to burn all sorts of old unneeded spy stuff and a large pile of conifer from the once virgin unexplored forests of just outside our house.

Then in an instant everything suddenly changed by a story on the news about a horse. Now as you know I am not bitter and twisted that it was a horse that convinced the very nice Steven Spielberg to abandon my manuscript in preference for one full of war and horses. Leaving me abandoned in cyberspace with a few friends and a mad Ghost Writer for ever to write the longest story (ever) in the world. But really no longer had I thought to myself well it will be cat food now anyway, so no sequel for that horse. When dam it another one turns up. This time it appears that Mel Brooks (sorry Rebekah) Woman from the News of the World was given one by the police to look after, or as they said on the news adopted. ADOPTED WHAT???? Really I don’t really mind horses that much but people are going to have to watch they don’t take over the world because if both the right hand man of Steven Spielberg and Rupert Murdoch are not men but horses all I can say is something is going on.

Imagine the confusion of the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures From Venus when they say take me to your leader and everyone points at a horse. What is more worrying it that these things come in threes so I am keeping a look out for the third one. The dog says it is all turning into a pantomime and has fallen about in hysterics …….. and mum has added IDIOT

Oooooo yes ............ one other thing we had huge claw marks in the concrete outside the cat flap this morning which might explain why the cats are not happy going out at night. Not sure what it is but it is not a horse PHEW…… 


I would thank Mr ESB for his contribution in the writing of this entry, without him there would be no abacus

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The International Space Station, the Steam Powered Nano Spy Flybot and the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus

I am late. I am sorry about that, trouble with the flybot spy nano technology on dads steam powered nano spy flybot. We have made it to watch the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus. It is clear that something is going on. We have the so called International Space Station in the sky this week in the evening, just as the mushrooms are starting to appear on mass out of the compost of the mushroom box. And as both dad and the dog have said, that is too much of a coincidence.

Mum says she saw the International Space Station as predicted, but I was drumming with my drumming colleague at the time trying to communicate with the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus that we think must be hiding in the wood. Probably beamed down somehow from their mother ship cunningly disguised as the innocent so called International Space Station. Mum says IDIOTS but it was interesting that my drumming colleague had to return home early because he was not feeling well …….. Yes I think that is rather strong proof that things are a foot (not as in a foot attached to a leg, but as in not as they should be).

Anyway the Steam Powered Nano Spy Flybot instead of spying on the aliens got aliens and cats confused and was following the cats (Heavy Harry and Sooty) assuming they were the aliens. So in order to tweak the programming as dad put it we had to catch it.

Its at times like that when you wish dad had not included a stealth mode or defensive laser weapons. But in the end we enticed it close enough to trap the little critter on some fly paper using a jar of home made march mallow jam that’s glows in the dark ………YUM. It is working correctly now (the flybot not the jam although that is fine too) and I have taken a photo of the  Steam Powered Nano Spy Flybot watching the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus just in case any of you are thinking he’s off on one of his elaborate stories again with not a word of truth in it.  However you wont say that when you are being marched into a large space battle cruiser by a huge mushroom in a couple of year’s time

Yes its the creeping unknown .......Again

Tiny sophisticated nano robot flying communication devices and the the world wide weds of spiders

It has been a cold grey day and not nice so we have lit the open fire and are watching flames. Esmeralda did this at school only school does not really have an open fire, well it didn’t. I will admit if did keep us all nice and warm right up to the point that both the headmaster and the fire brigade insisted that we all went outside while they fought the blaze. Just out of curiosity what makes green flames, it is not something you see very often.

The mushroom box is certainly showing signs of life but not much in the way of mushrooms, but it does look rather encouraging that something might leap out of the soil very very soon. Interestingly I too now have small flies scurrying about and I think this is all part of the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus communication system. What better than a small nano technology flying communication device to travel between the world wide web of mushroom boxes, Sort of sophisticated homing pigeons (flies). I am sure it was Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy who had seen insect spy bots or the like.

Anyway I suspect like all the best laid plans of alien invaders these tiny sophisticated nano robot flying communication devices travelling their world wide wed of communications between mushroom boxes will fall foul of something simple, something that the mighty minds of the aliens will have not thought off. Yes you are well ahead of me on this; the world wide weds of spiders. An entire invading force brought to its knees by a thin sticky thread created by the humble spider, a creature that can’t even get out of a simple bath without help

Other things of interest today. We have a cunning plan to put solar panels on the roof of our classic nineteen seventies bungalow. As it happens it already has some that heat the hot water system but these will help produce power so that dad can fly a kite high into thunder storms and create huge Mushroom clouds created from the antimatter trapped in the fireballs created themselves by lightning. He is planning to confuse the Aliens from Venus but mum says he is an IDIOT (that’s dad not the creatures from Venus)…

The Angel of the Norse in its new home

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The family, that's fourteen of us all descending on Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Cafe for an evening meal SOON VERY SOON

I know at times people think I write the odd thing that may appear unreal and sometimes I bend boring old normality a bit so I am sure you will be interested to hear I was having a discussion with one of my fellow Mushroom experiment people who has told me that they are moving their mushrooms to the garage but are going to wrap them up in a blanket with a hot water bottle to keep them warm.

This may seem like a strange thing to do but there is logic in this madness because after all, when all said and done none of us are actually mad. 


Because their box is now turning into the Quatermass experiment and the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus have been joined by the by a mass influx of Strange Flying Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus, it seems only logical to be cautious and make sure they can not get out and eat you in the middle of the night. But there is also a high risk of snow for reasons I explained only the other day (well sometime fairly recently anyway)

Talking of things getting out and eating you in the middle of the night, leads me to tonight as our family is on a mass eat out, yes fourteen of us all descending on Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Cafe to cause chaos and eat all his food.  I suspect it will all end in large bones and enty plates and a lifetime ban for most of the family like last time when Uncle Fred set fire to the head waiter in a battle of wits with Great Great Granny.

Well that is about it I need to look sort of shabby posh so I can get past the bouncers and this needs a bit of time so I must go. OK CHAPS OVER THE TOP……. ……… …….GOOD LUCK SEE YOU BACK IN BLIGHTY. Mum just said IDIOT

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there is much we don’t know, there is much we will never know and will never want to know or will never understand it anyway if we did know

Last night the moon had a large hallo and I did take a picture of it, for some strange reason all my readers are demanding proof these days, really what is the world coming too.  And today due to persistence and the curious mind of the cat (as a species) our cat catching device caught a cat. It was the cat we thought would be caught by the cat catcher and after an introduction to the mushroom sprayer he was freed back to the wild.

He was a bit wild himself then and slightly damp, he is a nice cat, a large black and white cat but just how many cats can we feed because there are loads more of them out on the perimeter of our home, their little eyes twinkling in the darkness.  Some might say it is not PC to soak a cat but we suspect he will turn up again with a Mac (HA HAH Hah hhah hah hah hahh hahh hahah hhah ha that is a geek computer cat joke not an Eek joke about a mouse HA HAH HAH hah hah hhah hahhah ha hha)

School continues to teach us that there is much we don’t know and as the science teachers continue to tell us there is much we will never know and will never want to know or will never understand it anyway if we did know about it, so what is the point. And that after eighteen blackboards and one hundred and seventeen feet three inches of white chalk it is all very annoying to keep having the goal posts moved about, what with new curriculums, exams and bloody governments departments interfering with the syllabus; so that chemistry is now to hard for his students to spell yet alone manage to mix up a nice volatile mix of highly explosive chemicals which only ends up with his best students being held by MI6 for three months.

I think the teacher was having a bad day luckily Esmeralda did manage to explode her desk towards the end of the science lesson so the teacher cheered up loads.

Apparently I have heard that Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy who is part of the great Mushroom experiment has succeeded in growing huge buzzing flapping creatures; I knew it would all end in Strange Alien Creatures from the planet Venus, although I had not planned on them taking to the air. The dog thinks they are going to seed all the clouds with snow and bring mankind (well the UK) to a grinding halt so they can take over and turn us all into mutant zombies unable to spell simple words like chemistry or science. Making us work in Starbucks and Tesco pandering to their every need and that of the humble cat as a intergalactic practical joke which has mushroomed out of control.  Mum has said I am not to write about this as the government are trying to keep the lid on things …………….AH 

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the strange Alien mushroom creatures from Venus and a Labrador driving a car

A flurry of snow today and I noticed on the way home on the school bus that the hills are rather white, good for us young bouncy people but mum, dad and the ghost writer all said BAH HUMBUG. They were complaining that it is not meant to snow in the middle of January, right in the middle of the British Winter, after all their generation have spenty ears??? Sorry spent years working on global warming. And they think after fifty years of leaving lights on and running all the hot water and driving huge fuel guzzling cars it seems a bit unfair that they still have to endure snow.

Me and the dog like snow but today’s was rubbish (I blame global warming myself). Anyway when I got home from school a very nice man was looking at our roof and said that if we spend loads of dosh (that’s money to those of you outside the UK), he would cover our roof in solar panels. His main problem was he needed dad’s signature on some form, but as I told him forging dads signature is dead easy, I even proved in by signing the piece of paper he gave me so he could see how good I am. He said I’m a natural forger and was so impressed he got me to do two more and then he did a runner when he saw mum. So I told mum and she said IDIOT, I think she meant him for running away but I’m not sure.

I know it might sound a bit odd but I an sure I saw a Labrador driving a car today, I am not good a dog breeds and the dog said Labradors are rubbish at driving although they are better than  Pekingese who have problems reaching the pedals (hang on I told you that once didn’t I about Pekingese so you know that).

I have also noticed that the box with the strange Alien mushroom creatures from Venus appears to have something that is starting to look a bit like a strange alien creature from Venus in it although not really very mushroom like yet.

Finally we are off to Big Bill Greasy Fur Ball Café for a dam good meal tonight, and to be decadent by eating loads and to wave our arms about in grand gestures looking important. Maybe I won’t wave my arms about much I have a habit of knocking things over when I do that. As the chemistry teacher will testify, but how was I to know the stuff would eat its way through the floor into the office below. Which as it turned out was the headmasters. And once he gets use to not having hair I am sure he will be fine again, sort off.  

performance art and the alien zombie creatures of Venus (again)

One very important thing to remember when doing performance art in the art class is don’t cover yourself in large blue spots unless you are sure that the paint will wash off. Well I thought it said water based paint but in fact is said Walter Base’s patented permanent lifetime guaranteed paint. I do have to say my performance as someone who has been attacked by alien zombie creatures leaving me with some awful mutant disease resulting in large blue spots was rather convincing.   

It certainly convinced class 14c who ran screaming along the corridor in the opposite direction and eventually out of the fire escape, closely followed by class 13a, 17b, 28, AB4 and 8+.  The French teacher was going to safe me but I pretended I was becoming a flesh eating alien from Venus, and the teacher had heard rumours of creatures from Venus crawling out of boxes so they ran off.

The next thing was a large group of men in special all in one suits turned up and were going to put me in a quarantined plastic bubble, luckily for me Esmeralda had decided that as her performance art project for today she would dress up as an alien with huge tentacles and scary pinchers and stuff. And as the men in the all in one suits cornered me in a corner Esmeralda happen to come into view. It is apparently not easy to run in an all in one suit with breathing equipment and big gloves so they sort of fell down the stairs a bit and screamed a bit too, well screamed a lot really.

The next thing was a large army tank rumbling down the corridor pointing weapons at us so Esmeralda threw her alien outfit at the tank to distract it while we leapt out of a window to the sound of an alien outfit being attacked with flame throwers and machine guns.  I would have been fine except for Esmeralda removing the blue spots with wire wool from the metalwork class. So then I really did look like I had been attacked by aliens. Once we emerged into the playground we were cheered as heroes for defending the school against the massed forces of Venus. Mum said IDIOTS when I told her the story but I am still not sure who she means.

The headmaster is planning to ban all alien life forms from the school particularly those originating from Venus as he says they are distracting the other pupils from their work. The Ghost Writer has told me that the readers are going to be a bit confused about exactly which part of the story is true today, but I have told him Surely that’s the whole point of my diary   

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Morozko (Jack Frost), Mushrooms, a pig-driven sleigh, a box full of crows and the Aliens

Well it was one hell of a cold day today everything covered in frost all the trees in the woods white. And that reminds us  all of the traditional Russian fairy tale of Morozko or Jack Frost to you and me. As we all know in this Russian tale we meet father Frost (Jack Frost) and also Father and Mother Mushroom and the wicked step sister who has too return home on a pig-driven sleigh, with a box full of crows as a dowry.

Well I don’t know about you but having discussed last night the impending doom of mankind who are due to be eaten by alien mushroom creatures from the planet Venus grown by unsuspecting innocent members of the public and famous Russian spies. Today we have severe frost reminding us of a Russian fairy tale with Mr and Mrs Mushroom in it, very suspicious indeed. On top of that in the fairy tale it is the wicked step sister who gets to return home on the pig-driven sleigh, with a box full of crows ……. WELL COOL. 

And what is even more suspicious is the front security lamp on our classic 1970’s bungalow will not go off, well that has never happened before. The dog thinks we have been surrounded by huge mushroom creatures and that we must sacrifice the cats, Heavy Harry and Sooty for the greater good. He says that these Huge alien Mushroom creatures are a bit upset by the fact I have so far failed in my efforts to grow their comrades, and note the word comrades there that has a certain sort of old Russian twang to it. I have told Mum, dad, the dog, the cats and Captain Flint the Parrot I will go and negotiate with the large alien Mushrooms and see if I can get a pig-driven sleigh, with a box full of crows like the wicked step sister in the fairy tale. Mum has said IDIOT and has told me not to mention mushroom omelettes in my diary either……………………………….AH.