Wednesday, 21 August 2019

The first hints of Autumn, Brexit and possible issues with Vampires


It’s August, about two thirds of the way through. What is somewhat worrying is that it is starting to feel like Autumn, surely that is not meant to happen yet it should be the height of summer . . . Pesky Weather.

Now in the last couple of days we have had a young Hedgehog scurrying about eating any bird seed in the early evening that the birds had missed during the day. We also have some posy hedgehog food that I have put out and it seems to like it. In the past this was not possible as Harry the Cat (who died) would eat the lot and tended to look at Hedgehogs with his grumpy face. So they would run off. Sooty the Cat (who has gone mad), is a happy critter has no interest in hedgehogs or the posh hedgehog food, so this little critter is making the most of it. Interestingly Sooty the Cat is putting weight on at present now that he is the Alpha Male Cat. Mainly because he is the only cat, but I don’t think he has worked that out yet.

We are keeping our heads down at present; it is reaching peak holiday time with the August Bank Holiday next weekend so there are Pesky Kids everywhere. I say everywhere that is not entirely true there are no Pesky Kids at our end of our tiny village and those at the other end are kept in caves until school starts again. It’s a quiet tiny village and folk like it like that. It may sound hard but one day those kids will appreciate the skills they are learning in those caves.

Talking of caves the bats are active and although not vampire bats folk like to stay on the safe side so are wandering about with garlic hanging around their necks. I have pointed out that in a No Deal Brexit garlic will no longer be easy to get hold of so some folk are panic buying garlic. They say they would rather face the disapproving glare of the local shop assistant than face an angry Vampire in the dark of night. Particularly as August this year has gone all Autumny and the evenings are getting darker all the time. So Vampires will be wandering the streets at the same time as the local WI society head home after one of their meetings. The thought of a gang of Vampire WI women prowling the streets and woodland at night is a scary prospect indeed.

Well that’s it, it is dark so I am off for a cup of tea. The doors are locked and I have rubbed garlic on the cat flap just in case, because after all a chap can’t be too cautious.




Wednesday, 7 August 2019

The Death of Harry the Cat





Last time I wrote something I mentioned that Harry the Cat was very poorly. Well sadly he had to go off to the vets on Monday for a one way trip to see the Big Cat God in the Sky. It was sad but the vets we use have this amazing vet from the US called Geoff and so Harry had a very chilled time and was very relaxed in his last moments alive. The thing that finally made us take this path was that Harry had basically run out of steam, he could hardly walk and although managing to eat small amounts of food and his beloved Squirty Cream he was struggling. And I guess as pet owners most of our lives we kind of knew poor old Harry had reached that point.

But over the fifteen years we owned Harry (I say owned, he was a cat) I can safely say he has been the most aggressive, demanding and cantankerous cat we have ever had. In his heyday he would attack the public passing the house, chase dogs regardless of size or breed, destroy furniture and clothing.  And scare the vets. Much of his life he had issues with eating large meals so ate small amounts between 5 and 8 times a day and hated having to wait. Our other cat Sooty is a lot smaller and agile and so would spend many hours on worktops or in trees or hiding in the garden while Harry patrolled his domain growling sometimes at nothing.

During Harry’s last week Sooty had also stopped eating, but after we buried Harry on Monday evening Sooty has been fine. We still don’t see him much he is an outdoor cat and spends many an hour or two in the field next to us hunting mice. Harry was a great hunter but is was a case of catch kill and eat. Sooty seems far more interested in the chase and once he catches something tends to get bored and wanders off so most of his catches get to escape to tell their mates to avoid the black cat.

Well that’s about it for today. So Farewell Harry you were certainly a cat with character who folk turned their back on at their own risk.





Harry the Cat (also known as Heavy Harry)



Sunday, 28 July 2019

A Catalogue of Excuses and other reasons this diary is Slightly Erratic.




Have you wondered where I have been  . . . . What do you mean NO. . . Right I am going to assume you mean YES or this whole diary entry would be futile and we don’t want that do we . . . . What do you mean YES . . . I am assuming you mean NO and have just got a bit confused. Folk often get confused reading my diary although I don’t know why.

Right here in Britain it has been hot, really hot. SO hot in fact that a chap who likes to write his diary might go delirious and forget. YES it was that hot here (well almost 35c - ish). And I have been making the workshop so was busy when I was not delirious. Then to add to this I was abducted by Aliens who were planning to do tests on me until I suggested they read my diary. They let me go then saying I was obviously a faulty model and they would find a better human to chop up (sorry experiment on). 

Then rather sadly our cat (The Grumpy One, Harry) is very poorly so he has distracted me as he's being drip fed Squirty Cream at present. That is helping, well its helping the cat he is looking slightly better today He still looks very very poorly though. Yesterday he looked like he would not make it to morning, but he loves Squirty Cream so much he will refuse to die while there is a possibility of another small dish of it for him. And he is eating some food again, and being less fussy that normal too.

I have also been patrolling the garden at night to look for wildlife and things such as Zombies, in the warm evenings. To tell the truth I have seen very little; I think the reason is that our other cat Sooty meows like a banshee at present and does enjoy a walk round the garden. His body is OK, but his brain is not and he is also totally deaf now which is why he howls so loudly I think. So a very sick cat and a deaf mad cat are also jolly good reasons why this diary is getting trickier to write by the day.

I will leave now and drink tea.  

Yet another obstacle in the path of the perfect diary.


Harry in better times

By the Way Sid the Seagull who is a Pigeon has left now I will never know what happened to him but hope he headed home. We were but ships that passed in the night (a few days). Anyway it does mean calling him Sid the Seagull was a suitable name bearing mind he/she  is/was a Pigeon. 


Saturday, 6 July 2019

Sunny days, Sid the Seagull (Pigeon) and a DVD


Ok yes this diary is rubbish I have not written anything for ages, but there is a reason. Well sort of a reason  . . . . It’s sunny. Was that someone muttering is that it . . . Well yes it is; I mean this is Britain and sunny is a fickle thing that we don’t see a lot of particularly in the summer when it is meant to be sunny. What all this means is I have been able to get some work done outside and on the workshop. . . . Yes yes I have said all this before, but diaries are like that, not like in the movies where they edit out all the repetition and boring things

So I have cut grass both at the front and back of the house, although the pesky grass grows rather fast so by the time you get it all cut it needs cutting again which is annoying and tiring and does not make for an exciting diary. Particularly when there are no Zombies and Mr Ratty and his pals have all left. We suspect that one of our neighbours getting rid of their chickens and hutch and another rebuilding some old farm buildings may have made the critters restless. That’s Mr Ratty and the Zombies.
Anyway I have been working on my workshop and so far all is going well, I will be adding a few pictures of it soon, it is even keeping exactly on budget well the outside is and it is entirely watertight  . . . . . OK it does not have a door yet but I have a plan.

OOOooooo  I must mention Sid the Seagull who is a pigeon although from a distance he looks like a seagull. He/she is a fancy beast and almost tame, I say almost because it will get within  a few feet but will not let me touch him/her to check its rings. It has three rings on its legs and I am assuming it is a bit lost. It was certainly very hungry the first day it turned up (2-3 days ago).

And I bought a DVD from Spain for my car which arrived snapped in two, but a new one was sent and the car is happy and knows where it is going again . . . . One of us needs too I get lost very easily.



Thursday, 27 June 2019

The Shape of the Universe and Tea Bags



Now I have been busy, very busy, but not in a constructive way but in a OOooooo the grass needs cutting and those weeds are huge, and I better do that little job tightening up those bolts on that thing over there and paint that bit over there. So basically  just everyday life and the Universe sort of stuff. What this means is the poor old diary is getting neglected again and such a thing will not do. To resolve this I am cheating  . . . . Well sort of cheating and repeating an old post from way back in time. And some of you will have noticed I have mentioned the Universe and Time and plan to go off and have a cup of tea the moment I finish here and that leads us smoothly and efficiently to my old post 



The Shape of the Universe and Tea Bags 


My diary of late has got rather quiet its existence in the parallel media's of cyberspace both showing signs that the great masses have left leaving only a few die hards and my good friends at GCHQ who know that it is better to monitor a friendly face rather than that of an annoyed face, or worse still an angry face. Would you while waiting in the rain at the bus stop in a queue for the bus that is late rather watch the smiling man or the angry man who might see you looking at him, I think the choice is plain always watch the happy man it is safer.

 And so tonight after a quiet day and I mean quiet (although we are off to Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café tonight for a meal) I have decided to discuss the shape of the universe. As you know only a couple of days ago I mentioned the origin of life and as a result Mr H from the cyber-world asked me if I knew the shape of the universe. Now I know it is not something that most folk know but funnily enough I do, so I thought I could let you all know too. I have sort of mentioned this to Mr H already in reply to his comment because he knew it had to do with tea bags but was getting a bit confused and I forgot to mention the exact shape of the tea bag to him (very sorry Mr H) so I will now clarify it to everyone. I am going for my second Nobel Prize in less that a week. 


 So consider a round teabag (a bit like a squashed flying Saucer) and that you could fold the edge back into the middle to a point known as The Absolute point of Universe, the point where the so called big bang occurred. And you then flattened out the teabag into a teabag shape again you would fundamentally have a teabag with no edges, which is important because the universe can not have edges just a force to hold its shape together (the material of the teabag itself). The tea in the teabag is then split equally between the two sides of the teabag either side of The Absolute Point of Universe a point so small not even an electron can get through it, this tea is the substance of the universe itself planets, stars and the like, and one side represents matter the other Antimatter. The fabric of the teabag where it is squashed together can therefore sometimes get small holes worn in it due to the forces generated and these are called Black Holes where the matter falls into the antimatter.


Of course the sort of flying saucer shape is created by the spin of the universe where material is thrown out along the line of centrifugal effect; however the one thing that can ruin a good universe is a huge kettle of hot water which destroys many of the forces that hold it together. And this can be made much worse by God squeezing the teabag against the side of his mug turning everything we know and understand into a soggy shapeless mass.


I hope next time you are asked what is the Shape of the Universe you will all say ………..AH FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THAT BECAUSE. . . . . . . .



Well this is an old post so anyone who claims they have solved the shape of the Universe and claims it looks like a teabag is probably guilty of plagiarism and I will therefore demand they hand over the noble prize pronto or else. 


Right time for that cup of tea. . . . 

Wednesday, 19 June 2019

Scotland, a Goat, a Greek Restaurant and some very expensive Fuel

(50 ...)



Hello  . . . . . Yes I have returned after a short-ish break. You see I was in Scotland having a holiday in Dumfries and Galloway near Kirkcudbright. My timing was rather good because back here at home it turned out to be one of the wettest places in Britain and where I was, was one of the driest. In fact except for one very wild thunderstorm with huge hail stones it was dry during the day, every day we were there
Now I did not do a great deal, but I did make a Goat. It was not one of my own creations but one of Paul Spooner’s from his book Spooner’s Moving Animals. I have had this book since about 1989 and thought I really need to make some of these things. So I made the Goat ... I should have done more but I was on Holiday and our lodge was surrounded by hares, seagulls, a deer and men on golf buggies. So I was regularly distracted and also spent a lot of time on a nearby beach picking up tiny bits of driftwood to make something with when the workshop gets finished. There is nothing worse than an active mind full of more ideas than a body can shake a stick at.

There is a great Greek restaurant in Castle Douglas and I stuffed myself silly a couple of times during our week away . . . . . . Yum. It is worth a visit although he does not accept plastic and is a cash only sort of chap. So be prepared but it is worth every penny and more. I also bought some bowls, I would have bought more artwork but we have more art than wall space these days so a couple of really nice bowls to eat breakfast or ice cream in was a good option.

OOoooooo finally I drove up and back in the big beast that likes fuel but Tebay services must be one of the most expensive places to buy fuel in Britain. Actually the trip up was terrible it rained until we got 10 mile from our destination and we saw 2-3 crashes on route so it took much longer than normal and I was knackered when we got there.












And yes the Chicken did come with us.
As he is inclined to do at times 




Thursday, 6 June 2019

The Tale of Mr Ratty

(37 . . .)



We saw Mr Ratty again a few days ago so reluctantly I had to put poison in Mr Ratty’s home. Well I had to make a rough guess at his exact home. My problem is I am trying to avoid poisoning other beasts so where you put poison is very important indeed. Over a period of several days I had no sightings of our furry friend until earlier today when a large ratty beast turned up to eat the bird food. So once again I put some poison where I thought he was . . . . . . Under my workshop . . . . Typical. Well I guess it is getting used . . . . .


Then a few hours later when I went on patrol I found a dead Mr Ratty. I do feel bad about this but my wife hates the beasts and to be fair they will breed quite fast if they get the chance. So I picked up Mr Ratty by his tail and thought I would dispose of him in an old composting bin to avoid him entering the food chain and killing off other critters. 

On dropping him in it, I discovered he was in fact just very poorly and not dead which explained his still floppy state. This left me with that terrible dilemma, to ignore the poor beast or put him out of his misery. So I did the right thing . . . . . Sorry Mr Ratty but I did say sorry; so he has gone to meet his maker now.

Well I think that is enough for now I will be busy for quite a few days but will be back soon to tell you all about it. . . . . . Assuming I remember because my brain is rubbish.


 .  




Saturday, 1 June 2019

Cows, Zombies and Me, but not Football.


(32....)


I am still working on the workshop; progress is exceedingly slow at present because not having a design can lead to technical issues as you progress. One of which I am trying to sort out in a neat way so that no one will ever know I might have made a design error. And I have almost finished . . . . Phew . . . . It is not structural so the workshop will not fall down, but I needed to sort it before I put the corrugated sheets on the outside walls or that would have been so much harder. Anyway that should now be a piece of cake . . . . . That’s an odd saying. Why something being relatively easy should be linked to a piece of cake makes no sense to me. If someone asked me to make a piece of cake I would consider that extremely difficult indeed. And not a piece of cake even if it was actually a piece of cake if you get my drift.  I mean I can make ginger biscuits dead easy and damn good ones too, but cake no.


I have been out this evening saving a cow which had got onto the road and was well spooked. Not helped by idiots driving too fast and refusing to slow down for the poor critter. Anyway the farmer who owns the cow turned up and it is now safe in its field again. . . . We suspect it may have been Zombies that released it. For reasons I have not yet worked out it seems Cows don’t like Zombies and Zombies don’t like Cows. Actually when you look back on films involving Cows and Zombies it is hard to think of one where both Cows and Zombies feature, generally its either one or the other.


Right I plan to have a cup of tea and a chill not watching football in any form whatsoever . . . . I am not a fan of football and I suspect neither are the Cows or the Zombies. So despite our differences we have much in common.




Thursday, 30 May 2019

Not really Groundhog Day and Ice Cream . . .


(30 . . .)


It's strange how a chaps day can sort of take on the feeling of Groundhog Day. Although it was with different wood 6 years ago and I did actually have the tools and also did some shopping. But apart from that, and eating different food; and several other things, OOOoooooo and I achieved something today which was good. BUT apart from all that my diary entry of six years ago has an uncanny resemblance to today  . . . Although I am seriously older now; back then I was the Young Eccentric Child of Cyberspace, but I probably just grumbled too much and the secret of my old age became known to all.

And I have also discovered today that ice-cream is regarded as a highly processed food and will reduce life expectancy. Unfortunately I have just finished a large bowl of ice cream having put walnuts, chocolate things and maple syrup on the ice cream. On the positive side the nuts are good for me; the maple syrup is the real stuff as is the chocolate. The ice cream was also good quality vanilla ice cream. I do have a theory that as long as you eat real foods not cheap rubbish then you can eat what you like and it is OK. It’s a good theory and serves me well. Plainly you should not get too carried away with eating too much that would not be good.

Right that diary entry from way back for you to read.

Six years ago today

I have not achieved a great deal today, it has been that sort of day I looked at a little job involving some tongue and groove panelling but did not have the things I needed, so sort of waved the various bits about shook my head a lot pointed and said OOOOOO SORRY MADAM IT NEEDS A NEW THERMITECHNIC SCREW ADJUSTER like all good plumbers and then said I WOULD BE BACK TWO WEEKS NEXT THURSDAY. However mum said I was not a plumber I was an IDIOT and sent me out to do things elsewhere, but I knew where here was and I knew where there was but I could not find elsewhere. Despite asking everyone I ran into (I say ran into I was walking and did not make any physical contact) such as the Banshees and the Lemmings of Petrograd, who were playing leap frog ( Lemmings, leap frog . . . . .HAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAH ha hah ah hah ah ahahhah ha ha ha) a few Zombies, a few Cows, a Raven, The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth, Mr Jones, Esmeralda and Freddie. Who have formed a new group called ‘Watching Alien Invasion Tactics’ or WAIT for short. Apparently Mr Jones often chases aliens through the woods shouting WAIT  . . . . . . TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.

Hang on what was I saying  . . . . . . AH YES elsewhere; when I asked everyone I was looking for elsewhere they would generally scratch their heads ask if I meant here and when I said no they would suggest over there but I was not looking for there I was looking for elsewhere. I spent a lot of time doing that until I worked out I had been here there and everywhere, although not elsewhere.

 You can see how a chaps day can vanish like sand through the fingers of a little old ladies hand when pursuing such a task. Strangely it is the sort of task (searching for elsewhere not pouring sand through fingers) us chaps will do for hours and women tend not too, even for five minutes, although I don’t know why?

.....................


My diary is a lot more rational these days, not like it was back then. . . . . . Sorry about that.



Mmmmmm My feet

Monday, 27 May 2019

The European Elections, Mrs May. An Android and a Rat




Here in Britain we have been going through the European Elections and the demise of Mrs May who finally said  . . . Oh Poo  . . . and has resigned. I don’t entirely blame her, after all she was trapped in a political mess with no real solution. Unfortunately her attempts at solving an unresolvable political mess involved trying to do the same thing each time. We have all been there at some point. Putting our pin number in the cash machine three times only to realize as it confiscates it, saying you are very naughty, that you have used the wrong pin. Anyway Mrs May was hoping to get a fourth go at using the same pin number, but as we all know that is not going to happen so she is now standing on the naughty step.

I tried to warn her about the flowering bamboo but she laughed and said I was a mad dishevelled peasant of the masses destined to scurry about in the hills away from the thrill of political life and power forever. Phew that’s good. . . . . . And it seems we both are now.
Now while on the subject of the curse of the flowering Bamboo I did something to my back a couple of days ago which stopped me from doing any work on the workshop. I was struggling just standing up at one point and could not reach the floor. Not easy when you want to put shoes on and the like. Luckily, although still a bit sore I am now moving about normally so folk are not sniggering at me and calling me the scruffiest android on Earth.
Then yesterday to add to the curse, the entire family descended on our house to eat sausage and bacon butty’s, fruit and cream and cake. To make matters worse some of the left over sausages were wrapped up in foil and taken away by folk to eat later leaving me with just enough for a sausage butty at lunch time today. I have now had to resort to eating the fruit covered in cream . . . . I need the cream to counteract all that healthy fruit stuff. Folk never run off with all the fruit.

Our new neighbours are young and keen and doing a great job of tidying up what is a sort of small holding and former mill. The drawback is they have made the resident rat population restless. The old occupants of the building didn’t seem to worry so Mr Ratty just remained there among the crumbling walls. But we have had a couple in the garden stealing bird seed, so I need to resolve the issue in a friendly way (after all they have their place in the eco system) as my wife hates the little (well not so little) critters. Apparently they are attracted to Bamboo flowers and keen on things Doom related. . . . . . . . DAMN.





Thursday, 23 May 2019

Cats, Vets, Bamboo Flowers and impending DOOM




I have been busy, very busy in a sort of busy to the point of being well exhausted at the end of the day with a sore back. However it’s the sort of busy that when you reflect and look back on what you have done in the last couple of days seems to be not a lot. I’m sure I can’t be the only person this happens to. Anyway all I can say is that despite what appears to be not much progress with stuff it has been a right old game getting it done.

Yesterday morning after an early breakfast we took the cats to the vets to have various jabs for the things that are not good for cats to catch; and to kill off the fleas. I am not convinced any of the flea products work that well. The vet is a great vet and he is certainly one of the most eccentric I have ever met in my life. He is also Canadian so I am not entirely sure how he ended up in a rural backwater in the middle of nowhere. Most of the local vets prefer farm animals, not only are they bigger but they make more money out of them. This vet though loves small critters, any small critters I think he would be happy to do open heart surgery on a goldfish it the opportunity turned up. Anyway he has one small weakness in his vetting abilities and that he's not only bouncy but he talks loads and I mean loads and loads . . . . Phew. So we were a bit later than planned heading home with two confused cats. They are not used to enthusiastic talkative vets saying stuff like . . . . WOW those are amazing kidneys . . . . . and then making his trainee feel the cat’s kidneys.

So after taking the cats home and feeding them; we headed over to one of our daughters where I made a screened area for her recycling bins which had three shelves and a trellis front to hide everything, plus a small sloping roof to stop the cardboard recycling getting wet. Stuff like that takes a couple of hours to do even for a hardened DIY chap like myself . . . . Phew.

We then headed home ate some food and I was back working on the workshop until I was too tired to carry on.

Today I started on the workshop, then planted three smallish trees, then washed the car something that only happens once every 100 years or so which is an interesting coincidence which I shall come to in a minute. And then ate and watered the garden because it has been rather hot by British standards. (Yes the weather machine is still switch on). . . .
Right this coincidence I referred to, we have a couple of small bamboo plants in our garden. Bamboo is interesting it only flowers once and then dies, but it can live for 100 years before it flowers. Bamboo clumps get split and sold and then split and sold again and again in their life, but once one flowers they all flower across the entire world. And one of ours in in flower.  What I did not know is it is a sign of death, famine and doom across the world, and I have checked with the Zombies and they deny everything and say its Mrs May’s (the British Prime Minister) fault and the ever chaotic Brexit talks. . . . Plus todays European Elections for the European Parliament. I suspect the Zombies are right too. Politics is all a bit odd in Britain at present.   




Our Bamboo in Flower
I was rather pleased with these pictures too



Tuesday, 21 May 2019

A rather boring day for the readers of my Diary . . . Sorry.






You are probably thinking . . . . . Hang On this diary thing . . . . Back in the past loads of stuff happened and now it’s dead boring . . . .  Well that is a bit true; it is not the diary it used to be. Part of the reason at present is my continued work on Shed Two (My workshop) and the reason I am working away on that a great deal is due to the weather. It has been lovely over the last few days. Lovely to the point where our daughter phoned us up from her home just a couple of miles away on the Welsh side of the border to say how horrid the rain was. At the time we were sitting outside in the sun drinking tea and chilling. A short break from shed work.

I will admit I did fire up the old weather machine on the off chance it might finally do something useful and not cause hurricanes again. So maybe it might just be doing what it was always meant to do, make it sunny.   

Anyway shed two slowly develops. One aspect of designing and building buildings without any design whatsoever is things can develop in ways that you never thought they might. I do wonder if going back in time folk just built stuff and the key point of any good building was it did not fall down. It does mean they can become quite interesting as you ponder ways to resolve an issue that you had not thought about until three quarters of the roof is finished. And I think Shed Two will be all the better for all the little changes I keep making in order to make it structurally sound and practical in a quirky sort of way. I will then claim I am a Master Builder in the medieval tradition of Master Builders.

There have been a lot of butterflies about lately I suspect that is a good sign. I am not good on butterflies, but I did see a small blue one and a large yellow one earlier as well as the white ones and brownish ones.  . . . My knowledge of plants is a bit like my knowledge of butterflies by the way. . . . . .

Right that’s it . . . . I suspect you are now thinking Well that was rubbish. But it’s a diary so Poo . . . .  (again) . . .




I sometimes draw beasts seen in the garden
but do use a bit of artistic license so no one knows what they are
Including me


Sunday, 19 May 2019

The Vampire a Mummy and a Cat . . . . . . and a workshop in progress


As I work away on my workshop in the garden I have realized it is turning into quite a lot of work. This is my own fault for making a fully insulated, double glazed workshop with a few minor fancy bits. The summerhouse I built took three years, so I hope to have this all done in about six months in total . . . . . We will see. Anyway while the weather is OK I will keep working (I am not keen on work so Poo) and get the walls sorted next.


OK as diaries go this is a bit rubbish so to cheer folk up I have included a poem . . . . OK yes its a repeat from way back. I need to write some new poetry. Possibly about sheds and workshops, although that does seem to have rather limited market appeal. 


Anyway here is one about a Vampire a Mummy and a Cat. 


A Vampire and a Mummy
Chased a large black cute fluffy cat . . . . . (Meow)
They chased it up a lamp post
And past an Ex-London borough council flat
They chased it past the chip shop
And under a railway bridge
And into the recycling yard
Where it hid behind a fridge
They chased it into a cul-de-sac
Past a pound shop and a café
And into a posh restaurant
Where the cat knocked over a carafe
They chased it onto the artificial ski slope
Past a man singing songs and drinking Gin
And round and round a roundabout
Until they all got in a spin
They chased it into the cinema
Which was showing the movie
Catch 22
They chased it into a railway station
And then into the public Loo
But they soon all ran out again
Because there was a penguin
Doing things it should not do
Then they chased it past a statue
Of Queen Victoria holding a Stratoscope
Chasing the cat for hours and hours
Until they had almost given up all hope. . . . . . .
But when they finally caught up with it
It seemed the cat just did not care
Because the cat was in fact
An android Zombie Cat
Which cut the Mummy clean in half
With its android Zombie Cat laser eye stare
Which as you might expect
The Vampire proclaimed was ever so slightly
Rotten and
Unfair
And the cat smiled
And said it didn’t care
Typical cat


Friday, 17 May 2019

The Damselfly and the Maybug . . . . . And a Bus

(17...)



We visited the local village market this morning to buy provisions such as veggies, bread, bacon, spicy sausages, butter plus a quick discussion with locals about a bus protest because the local government grant might end for the local bus to the great metropolis of Shrewsbury. Rather ironic because it is probably the busiest bus about for miles and is normally standing room only by about half way there. Still that’s politics for you a bit odd at times.  Then we had a trip to say happy birthday to our daughter and a toasted sandwich at a local grand house with a happy dog that roams about hunting toasted sandwiches
Followed by a visit to a huge greenhouse to buy some plants before heading home and doing woodwork on you know what.  Then a bowl of soup and then I came face to face with a damselfly. It was rather a friendly damselfly and was happy to chat about busses, Maybugs and ponds and the like for a bit before flying off.


After that I did stuff, watched a bit of news on the telly shouted a bit a someone discussing politics on the telly, and then told the cats they were greedy and that ten meals each a day was enough for a huge wild cat, not just your average moggies who chill all day doing almost nothing.


And finally I have been outside as it is very very still and on nights this calm things move about in the darkness. Normally it is just Zombies, but tonight it is a couple of Hedgehogs and a confused Maybug or two. As far as I can tell Maybugs are always confused and that Damselfly certainly thought so. My wife hates Maybugs due to their clumsy flying techniques and general inability to avoid humans. Some folk (such as my wife) are not keen on being hit in the face by Maybugs as they negotiate (or fail to) the night sky.


Then write diary.

Are you wondering what I did yesterday?  . . . .  So am I . . . I can’t remember.




Tuesday, 14 May 2019

Shed Roofs, Cups of Tea and Aliens


(14...)



It has remained sunny and so I have been working on the Homebrew Workshop a lot. What is frustrating is my brain thinks OOOoooo do this, and then you can do that bit followed by that other bit and then paint and seal stuff. My body follows along grumbling and demanding a rest while shouting at my brain . . . . . What the ******* are you doing now I’m old and knackered you know . . . . . Pesky Brain. I am meant to be retired you know. . . . . .


I suspect my body is much like other folks bodies when they get old and knackered. They complain a great deal and really hate an enthusiastic bouncy brain. Anyway by the end of today even bending down was a good reason to groan, followed by a slightly louder groan getting up.


However the task I wished to achieve is done. Which was to get the roof felt secured on the roof of the workshop so that if it rains in the next few days it will not matter. What made it tricky is that I have made a huge fixed skylight on the south side of the roof and I wanted that sealed and watertight and painted. Having managed that I now don’t need to get back on the roof again, I just need to secure the edges neatly. This is after all going to be a very posh workshop to make very posh things in.

I would add a picture of my work here to show you but by the time I had eaten . . .Fish and Chips . . . YUM ... and then rested and chilled for a bit it was too dark so a picture will have to wait so here is an old picture I drew of a UFO . . . Aliens are always keen to meet grumpy old men in sheds, as they tend to be Alien friendly and folk just think they are mad when they tell then Aliens visited me again last night while I was pottering in my shed. They do like a nice cup of tea and a chat about life.






Sunday, 12 May 2019

A view from a roof


(12...)



What a lovely sunny day it has been today. This meant that I was able to do some really constructive work on the roof of the new workshop I am building myself.  I achieved a bit yesterday but being Britain when you need a guaranteed window of a few days with no rain, (they are far and few between)  when you get one you go for it... Today was predicted dry and so is tomorrow and probably the day after. And that is good enough for me to get that roof felt fitted. It seems I just bought enough too. With basically nothing left over so  ...  PHEW.


One thing about a lovely sunny day working on a roof is you get a great view of things. Our garden is rather overgrown which is good and it means it is full of wildlife, not just Zombies and Hedgehogs either. It is full of butterflies and all manner of small flying critters which is probably why we get House Martians chatting on the power and telephone lines. House Martins sound a bit like dolphins to me which might explain why we never see them in the winter. They turn in dolphins, let’s face it, it’s got to be easier than flying to Africa chasing insects for dinner.

Right a few pictures taken from the New Workshop roof today. . . . .



The summerhouse I built has a proper roof not felt
Note the Zombie trail across the field
Pesky Beasts.


MMmmm we do have quite a few trees and shrubs


You can start to see that a Zombie could hide for ages in that lot


Friday, 10 May 2019

The Village Market and a Mad Vicar

(10...)


Today was Market Day in our little village, when I say little it is small just a huddle of houses. Although we do have a village hall (the location of the market), a garage, a health food shop and a church, but no vicar. We used to have a vicar but he retired and the new one went mad and ran away. Vicars are not keen on Zombies or Witches Covens and because we’re not that far from The Devil’s Chair we have both in abundance and they do like a quiet church for parties and general get togethers.  Something some vicars can find tricky to come to terms with.


Anyway back to the point. My wife and I headed off to the market to buy stuff. There are veggies, an ethnic stall that sells some nice shirts for £10 (a bargain, I have loads), a bread stall with very nice bread. They are a strange religious group, but seem a nice bunch of folk. Well the women are; I have never seen any men and the women are all from the USA. There is a smallholder who sells great sausages and bacon and someone selling interesting cheeses. There is also a chap selling ancient tools that old folk like me chat too and ponder tools from the past. OOOooooo and the man who sells me loads of bird food. . . . I’m sure he has trained them (the Birds) to eat extra.  . . . . And a few other stalls from time to time plus the option of tea and bacon butty’s on site . . . (I now have them as the occasional treat, not every week).


Anyway after a chat about stuff and then wandering home it was time for a cup of tea and a bit of cake and then some lunch and a chill with another cup of tea. A chap needs to rest after a long morning testing sausage samples and poking at obscure tools and complaining about how much small birds can eat.


After lunch it started raining again (I was not happy) but I ventured out towards the workshop I am making and did some proper work fixing a breathable membrane on the outside of the structure before I clad it. Thanks to the rain I still can’t fit the roofing felt. And I must take a few pics soon.


I then ate food. Pasta, so something healthy which means I can maybe eat something unhealthy later, we will see.  I am chilling again now in the office and the cats have not found me yet so it is peaceful and that is good.


So that’s it . . . .  a fairly uninteresting day in general, but this is a diary and folk dont leap about doing exciting things every day.





Thursday, 9 May 2019

Little old Ladies, Armageddon and a Supermarket.


(9...)


Today’s task was collecting my wife’s new glasses, so after breakfast we set off, out into the rain. Yes the weather was even worse than yesterday. The roads were very quiet as we left our tiny village heading towards the grand supermarket (I say grand in reference to its size not interior) where the optician is housed  . The roads remained quiet until we got to the outskirts of the town (I hate big towns and cities). Then the roads were manic despite the fact the weather was rubbish and the roads a bit iffy with all the spray.  Our plan was to get some food supplies from M & S and have a coffee but M & S was full of folk fighting over coffee so we decided to get our supplies and continue the quest.


I like to think of these trips in terms of Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter in order to survive the journey. So having got our first items we journeyed onwards so that my wife could get some felt and beads to make mysterious beasts. I think the plan is to sacrifice then to the Sun God so the Sun will return . . . . . . (Ah apparently that is not true . . . . and I am an Idiot)


Anyway armed with more things we faced the biggest challenge the Grand Supermarket where we got my wife’s glasses.  It was full of folk too fighting over food and milk and packets of lettuce. I suspect the rumour about Armageddon had spread by then. I can be very convincing at times and while my wife was getting her new glasses tweaked to suit her, I may have casually mentioned Armageddon to a bus party of little old ladies with trolleys heading towards the frozen food section. . . Not sure what they were doing there on mass. Anyway there is nothing quite like a group of panicking little old ladies grabbing everything from the shelves and screaming “we are all doomed” to make folk also panic just in case.


We then headed to the DIY store to buy glue and wood for the workshop and then headed to the Garden Centre for a coffee. It was manic also.  It seemed the coffee shop was full of hysterical little old ladies all claiming some idiot had told them a bunch of lies about the End of the World. I tried to reassure them you just can’t believe everything folk tell you. . . Anyway they thought I was a very nice chap not like that other one in the supermarket. I did say supermarkets bring out the worst in folk and they all nodded and pointed at stuff.


After our coffee, OK a hot Chocolate in my case we headed home where the cats leapt at my head demanding food. . . . . . . . . . . Pesky cats
And that is the day so far


Our youngest daughter is due later . . . Apparently she is trying to calm down a group of hysterical old ladies so might be a bit late and I have a car full of DIY things to unload . . . . . depending on when or if the rain stops.


Pesky Rain



I have just been reading an old diary entry from 9th May five years ago . . . I remember this. It just goes to show a diary is useful.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


It appears that when someone leaves you a little note to remind you to do a particular task it is not a good idea to amuse yourself by modifying the instruction in case you forget that you modified it when you read it the following day. Let’s face it the very reason the note was left in the first place was because I tend to forget things.

So after waking up and waving my hair about in the shower and staggering about saying WHO AM I, WHAT DAY IS IT, WHERE IS MY BRAIN . . . . AH THE ZOMBIES HAVE NICKED MY BRAIN . . . . Eating some breakfast and then groaning loads in order to prove I am a Zombie. I noticed a note left for me to tell me what my task is today. So having read the task I decide I should do them in the order they have been written down.

Instruction One: - Strim Cows

WHAT? . . . . . . I don’t know what that is about but if I am left a note then I have always found it is best just to do what I am told. There was a time I would get distracted and go off and do other things and so the important jobs would get left. But no longer I am a lean mean efficient fighting machine (sort of). I am not sure if any of you have ever tried to strim a cow with a strimmer it is far from easy, in fact it is extremely hard. First off you need to get the flock (sorry herd) penned into the corner of a field and then fire up the strimmer and then charge at them in a random way to confuse them. If you are lucky you might get to strim the side of the odd cow as it stampedes past you, I will tell you right now cows do not like strimmers one bit. Cows can shift I have always thought of cows as slow happy docile beasts with a happy go lucky attitude to life, oblivious of the fact they will be turned into dinner for the masses at some point. Yes OK they did start making tunnels a long time ago, but that was the past, those cows have long since been char grilled and covered in sauce.

Cows it turns out (to get back to the point) can move rather quickly and it also appears that if annoyed enough say by a young enthusiastic chap with a strimmer can be a little aggressive. Well when I say little I really mean big; cows are big, very big.

So after a short time of chasing cows with a strimmer I found myself pursued by angered cows intent on revenge. This quickly led to a decision to abandon Instruction One and concentrate on Instruction two.

Instruction Two :- Pick Parsley

Well this was a piece of cake and done in a flash. It was only afterwards when I was asked HAVE YOU STRIMMED THE COW PARSLEY AT THE TOP OF THE DRIVE that I remembered I had slightly modified the note left for me . . . . . . . . Strim Cow Parsley . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN

The good news, I now have, but the bad news is I don’t think the cows like me anymore. I have told them I don’t eat cows, but that has only led to rumours and now the farmer does not like me either.



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