A Poem about the Controversy of Assumed Colour

Alice in Wonderland and someone else

also drawn rather badly

Today I have had a quite day pottering about and getting a few things done although I still have only wrapped one small present so far (YICKS PANIC) anyway two things I noticed out in the real world while hiding within the safety of my home environment. It is a nice place home and I will admit I am a lucky chap to be a position to have a nice home and family and few real problems in life at present. Other than finding a way to reveal my many talents to the greater world, while remaining a quiet modest sort of chap who is happier being a bit of a reclusive grumpy bloke.

Anyway the two things that registered in my mind that led to tonight’s Poem. . . . The first was the ISS passing over at quarter to five this evening (I did go and wave to Tim). Then I noticed that there appears to be a bit of controversy about Hermione Granger being Black in the stage play . . . . . I think the main issue is that folk have got so attached to the characters from the  films that quite frankly it has frazzled a few minds that they could be quite so different.

The result of these two events is tonight’s Poem, one that questions our deep routed ideas about colour 

When it’s dark

And you look into Space

The flying saucers you see

Are probably an Alien race

And if they point

A ray-gun at your head

Blame the cat

Or Uncle Fred

I mean no one

Likes to be incinerated

By a beast with three eyes

And if you ask a policeman for help

He will just say you’re telling lies

And Uncle Fred will wave his stick

And the cat will meow

And then be sick

On the flying saucers clean doormat

Which is typical

Of the average cat

And the alien will bleep

And maybe shout

As both the cat and Uncle Fred

Run about

As we all stick kitchen foil

On our head

In case the alien

Tries to read our minds instead

And as the cat leaps out the door

And Uncle Fred hides on the floor

We remember the wise words

That granny once said

“Why are aliens always Green and never Red”?

House Signs, Halloween and untold tales that have not been told.

Yesterday was quite busy which led to the repeat of an old poem. Today has been fairly chilled which means that really I should not repeat an old poem or post but I might just repeat one of the old Halloween stories, because that will save me loads of extra work.  Sometimes towards the end of a lazy-ish day the last thing you fancy doing it writing clever stuff or leaping about, not that I leap about while I write my blog that would be stupid on many counts. One of which is my old PC can not leap, it is too old and Knackered and another of which is I am too old and Knackered, you see I and my PC are in harmony we are as one.

One small Job I did get done today was to finally finish the new House sign, remember I did say that DIY works on an exponential time curve so that last tiny bit has taken a while. I still have a wedding present to finish and there are tiny bits of painting to do in the kitchen.

There was a village hall meeting in our kitchen last night and folk nodded approvingly and said things like Oooooooo that’s very shiny red and stuff like that so it means folk seen to like it. It is good if folk like what you have done, there is nothing worse than then going O MY GOD have you been burgled or make comments like O dear who chose that colour still it matches that decomposing mouse the cat mauled that is rotting in the corner. . . 

I now need to fix our new house sign to the big post at the end of the drive securely so I may need to phone the very friendly builder to see if he will lend me his cordless drill as my drill has a cord and the end of the drive is a long way off. That sounds dead posh but it is not, we just have a very long drive. Mmmm that might still sound a bit decadent, but the keeper of the gate is allowed to wear informal clothes these days.

Right OK I will go and find a good Halloween post to repeat now. . . What about the one where the large man eating rabbit peers through the window of a mad android scarecrow that is making soup out of kittens and . . . . NO you are right that was not entirely kitten friendly

Well what about the confused Aliens who arrive on the night of Halloween and spent a lot of time trying to communicate with small children dresses as Zombies . . . OK yes it was silly

OK the eyeball lost in the Lollipop factory . . . . . Right I sense I am not doing well

The sea monster that ate fish fingers

OK that’s it I appear to have run out of words, I may ramble a lot, have you noticed I ramble a lot. I can imagine some professional publisher going why is he rambling, this is rubbish this is not how to write. . . .well YA SUCKS BOO is my response to tha,t no wonder books have a certain sort of uniformity to them with there covers and pages full of words and page numbers that increase in a rational logical fashion one after the other.

DAMN I may have got a bit distracted, did I say I finished painting the new house sign today. . . . .   AH DAMN again I did.

Alien Spiders from Mars . . . (The Ziggystardium)

It has been some time since we have seen Mr Jones the alien hunter so it was a surprise to see him peering into the Ghost Writers car about lunch time. It appears that unknown to the Ghost Writer his car has become an incubator for a particular race of spider like aliens from Mars which Mr Jones says are called the Ziggystardium. The ghost writer himself is not too bothered and says they can stay there for now, but Mr Jones went OOOOooooooooooooooooo.

According to Mr Jones they will quickly grow into huge things and are not friendly and will probably suck the brains out of the Ghost Writers head, something aliens have a habit of doing quite a lot.  The Ghost Writer says that his brains were sucked out years ago so YA SUCKS BOO, but Mr Jones says that he will regret saying that when he is trapped in a traffic jam on the M6 with his head covered in aliens and a policeman knocking on his side window. 

Are you going to meet an Alien. . . The Big Question Answered.

It is time to tackle one of those big questions which I now do as part of my life as a Professional Blogger. It a grand life being a Professional Blogger now that the money is starting to roll in, it’s a bit of a surprise and beats working for a living. I did not realise my fellow bloggers were on to such a good thing. . . . . .

Anyway I had a thought the other day; I have yet to meet an Alien as in a real one. Yes I know Mr Jones has met loads but I think he tends to think anything that moves in the woods at night is an Alien particularly if it’s tall silver and has flashing lights and a death ray.  But the reality is most rational folk don’t see Aliens, and one needs to ask the big question WHY?

The first question we need to ask is are there Aliens out there in the vast voids of space that are intelligent enough to make spacecraft and therefore give us a fighting chance of bumping into one another. Well Yes there are loads of them, however there are other issues involved that make what should be a reasonable thing to happen, actually happen. Two great civilizations from different planets meeting shaking hands, legs or tentacles and then attempting to kill one another (its what intelligent life sort of does).  

So why has it not happened and the incredibly boring answer is pure and simply down to maths, physics and distance.  The Universe is big very very big. We as in planet Earth are out on the outskirts of it in a rather boring bit of the Milky Way which in itself is not that exciting. The Milky Way being just another Galaxy among millions of the things. If each Galaxy contained just one super intelligent lifeform there would be millions and yet the chances of meeting are as good as Zero.

There is yet another issue time (you know what I said about time) well the Universe is said to be 13.8 plus billion years old so far and let’s say has at least another 1000 billion years to go before you know what happens. . . . . . YICKS.  So the odds of two intelligent lifeforms turning up at the same time on different planets close enough for them to meet are so remote that we can say it amounts to Zero. So we now have Zero times Zero chance of meeting an Alien.

And its gets worse because the distances involved mean that even travelling at the speed of light it would take longer that any sort of Alien is likely to live. This is not helped by the fact that a spacecraft could not travel at the speed of light or even remotely close because space is full of dust and stuff. And at those sorts of speed one tiny grain of dust would destroy the spacecraft.  So the chances of an Alien lifeform making a suitable spacecraft are almost Zero. . . So Zero times Zero times Zero . . . .  In other words Mr Jones’s Tall Silvery creature with wings, flashing lights and a death ray is not an Alien but something else.  

Ooooo I worked out how the Earth will be destroyed the other day. That is I thought of the idea the other day not that Earth was destroyed the other day.          

Sticks. Parrots, Aliens and Astronauts

I was in a Tough Harry’s Supermarket today getting a few things I needed, none of us like these places but in order to live, we are now doomed to having to enter their vast corridors of stuff that confuses and bewilders folk.  Particularly us chaps, we are not genetically designed to deal with shelves full of stuff, lets face it most chaps are not capable of putting a shelf up so as the old saying goes. . . . . . If man was meant to cope with shelves full of stuff, God would have made man capable of making shelves . . . . . .

But as I wandered up and down I came across a product that I thought was a piece of shear genius, one so brilliant I wish I had thought of it myself, it was a stick . . . . . . . . . . .  OK yes, I can hear the long pause as you think  . . . . . A STICK? . . . . .   Not a useful pointy stick to poke at folk or Zombies, but a bit of branch from a tree, it even says a genuine natural branch made from wood on it.  You see it is sold in the pet section and is aimed at the little old ladies who own Budgerigars; as birdcages general have plain old doweling. So in order to cheer their pet budgerigars or the like up some clever person is selling genuine looking branches of trees made out of the branches of trees, this is genius. There is an old saying that goes . . . . . . Money does not trees . . . . .  Well it shows that in fact it does.

Tough Harry’s Supermarket does have one other thing going for it that would make selling these sticks easier, they have Sam the Parrot who can spot a little old lady one hundred yards away and will shout at her as she passes. . . Ooooo if only I had a really natural looking stick to sit on . . . . .  Everyone round these parts loves Sam the Parrot and little old ladies are suckers for a sob story told by a parrot; anyway these sticks cost three pounds each and are a bargain at half the price (or do I mean twice)…….

Did you know that both Aliens and Astronaughts (sorry astronauts) keep complaining they need more space . . . . . . . . . AH AH H HAHHAH AH HA HAH HA HAH AH HAH AH Hha ha ha hahah ah ahahahahah ha ha aha ha . . . . WHAT? I hear you type again . . . . . .Well I was sat in a car earlier and only had a tiny scrap of paper and a dodgy pen so was rather limited in what I could draw, and a stick seemed a bit boring. . . . . 

Weather Machines and Alien Jelly Creatures

Have I mentioned that dad started work on a new weather machine, I don’t think I have? It had its first trial run today or at least part of it did. He says he is fed up with the weather and if we must have rotten weather then he wants to be the one to create it. That is quite understandable really, we all like to be in control of our own destiny if we can and so the more we can control ourselves the better.  Although in the case of weather machines I think history leads us to conclude that we may be in control of the weather machine, but the controls are slightly faulty. Thus what we expect and what we get do not always tally, such as today when it was raining one minute and sunny the next followed by rain and sun.

So yet again we have a small insight into the great workings of the universe, we make our plans we carry them out and something entirely different happens and before you know it you are not a brain surgeon in the great Metropolis but a hairdresser in Luton or a roller-skate salesman in Edinburgh.  This is what happens to everyone and deep down in our inner soul is a small voice telling us that everyone (ok most folks) are doing stuff we would do better and why cant we have what they have.  This is what happened with TV, for years folk would watch all these so called celebrities and think well they are rubbish I could do that; and so was born the TV talent show closely followed by the celebrity talent show as celebrities became paranoid that folk were doing stuff they could do.

I was rather distracted there as I was planning to say that Mrs E and Mr S came to see us and delivered a lentil dhal and a Pheasant curry for our tea  . . . . . . WELL COOL (OK nice and spicy) although you will be pleased to learn the pheasant in the curry was not Gandhi or tame pheasant, it would be rather non politically correct to eat Gandhi or our tame pheasant.

Ooooooooo yes I have added a photo to my diary tonight of something seriously weird that has appeared to have oozed out from the patio, it appeared to be a clear jelly like substance with some sort of life in the middle?  . . . . . . . . . Do we finally have proof of alien life; it has been there a couple of days now and is showing no sign of vanishing off back to its home planet . . . . . . . Very odd.

Ooooooo yes again, it was Mr Charlie’s Birthday as well . . . . . .

Aliens and Buses

As the old saying goes you don't see an Alien for weeks and then a whole fleet of them turn up at once

Forty Aliens and a Funeral . . . . .

I know what you are all thinking, you are thinking OK then what happened to all those Toad People from the Planet Todimimiun 3, and it is a fair point, but little do you know just what a close call it was. Firstly the huge Aurora Borealis as predicted on Stargazing Live by Professor Brian Cox and his sidekick  Dara O Briain did not happen, so the main battle fleet fled. Then as we fought the few (about forty) fool hardy Toad People who attempted to invade in the early hours of the morning in the school canteen, with pointy sticks and Freddie’s Ferrets, Esmeralda threw a huge cauldron of tapioca pudding over their leader. Well it appears I am not the only one who thinks tapioca pudding looks like frogs spawn. And it was all too much for the alien Toad People who ran off screaming that we (that’s us humans) were a deranged barbaric life form that shows no respect to decent hard working amphibians bent on colonising the universe in order to improve the lot of slimy critters that live under rocks…..

They have threatened to attempt to invade again soon . . . . . Maybe not today . . . . . Maybe not tomorrow; but about the same time next year, so keep a look out for Stargazing Live on the BBC it is a dead certainty that the events are connected. . . . . I know their cunning plan.

  The other good news in all this is tapioca pudding is off the menu for a few weeks now . .

Early this morning the Ghost Writer ran off with our car again as his is still not working, although he has been told that all the parts have been ordered. He had an emergency call from his place of work where a rather strange IT problem had occurred. They said if they did not know any better they would be convinced that the main supervisors PC was full of toad slime and bits of frog; although as they said such a thing was madness. So the Ghost Writer told them a tale of IP conflicts and default gateways, which always makes folk sort of glaze over and think of things like seagulls and garden gnomes.

Then this afternoon we all went off to a funeral of someone who was one hundred and one. That is quite old and you can’t be sad if someone of one hundred and one dies quietly at home. There were loads of folk at the church and the fact I never sing at funerals and weddings was not noticed, so no one will ever know . . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN.

While there I also learnt of another local person who died and it now means that in that particular town almost all the strange and slightly eccentric folk that lived there from way back have died.  I am sure that the average number of eccentrics per 1000 head of population is decreasing, you really don’t get real eccentrics these days, they tend to be folk with money pretending to be eccentric; real eccentrics have a habit of keeping their heads down and just get on with being eccentric and modern society is not eccentric friendly (or amphibian friendly)……….

Stargazing Live, Professor Brian Cox, Dara O Briain and the classic film The Day of the Triffids..

Today has been one of those rare days that we seldom see at present it has been sunny and not windy although there is still plenty of water about in fields and on the roads and other places where water would normally not be on mass. I have armed everyone I can with pointy sticks to protect us from the possible invasion by the Toad People from the Planet Todimimiun 3. It may well be that tonight will be stage one of their attack using the cunning tactics of the intelligent intergalactic reptile mind, you see they plan to use distraction to start with followed by an idea they have picked up from the classic old 1962 film . . . . .  The Day of the Jackal  . . . hang on that’s not right I mean the classic old 1962 film. . . . . The Day of the Triffids.   You see tonight is the third and last night of Stargazing Live where Professor Brian Cox and his sidekick  Dara O Briain  who we know are in cahoots with the Toad People from the Planet Todimimiun 3 because of the Brian connection to  Aliens; (if you are confused you really need to read yesterdays diary entry) even Briain is almost Brian so enough said me thinks………

You see on stargazing live there was much talk of the aurora borealis being rather spectacular tonight and possibly visible from the UK about midnight.  If you all remember it was the lights that made everyone blind in . . . The Day of the Triffids after which they were eaten by the Triffids.

All this is far too much of a coincidence and it should be remembered that Toads and Aliens much prefer to attack their prey at night. So my advice is if you see the aurora borealis (due as I said sometime around midnight) then you are likely to be attacked and eaten by the Toad People of Todimimiun 3, but they are all called Brian so confuse them first by shouting something like look out Brian. SIR Patrick Moore is behind you then stab at them with your pointy stick or hit them with your telescope if all else fails.  And remember to wear dark sunglasses if you do see the aurora borealis, or the Toad People will get you for sure.

Oooooo yes talking of the foreshore I have a feeling that Toads like the Triffids do not like salt water so make sure if the alien invasion gets underway to watch the film The Day of the Triffids, the 1962 one not one of the rubbish remakes that will only confuse you; and keep a pointy stick handy. . . . .

OK chaps it is every man for himself so Tally Ho and the best of luck, if all goes to plan we will be eating toad pie for the rest of the year. . . . . . . . . YUM . . . . . no hang on YUCK . . . 

Pies and the Death of a Small Mouse

Hello yes I am back to write my diary and keep you all up to date with stuff. Well what can I say all is quiet AGAIN, not exactly what you want to hear but sadly this is what is happening. As I have said many times before in this diary, it is a diary and well if you write a diary you have to tell it like it is, not add small embellishments to liven it up . . . . . OK yes I do that a bit, but only a bit, and it would be seriously bad form to add more aliens that we actually see. Luckily I never do, as Mr Jones is the alien hunter, and as a serious alien hunter he sees them almost every other day . . . . but he is a trustworthy alien hunter and who could possibly disbelieve a fanatical alien hunter convinced that all the major world governments have a global conspiracy theory to keep us all in the dark, and he is so dedicated that he does this in the nude even in winter. Anyway I don’t have time to worry about aliens because I need to be on red alert for Zombies, cunning little beasts that they are……

Why did the clairvoyant cross the road?

To get to the other side.

HAH HAH HA HAH hah ah hahah hah ah hahah hah ha hah ah ah ha ha ha hah ha ha ha ha  

Ok yes what have I been up too, well yesterday we were working all out to save a tiny mouse that one of the cats had caught although they both refused to own up to this. It did rally round (that’s recovery a bit not drive a car at speed through loads of mud) but despite apple and some seeds it died last night so was buried this morning. . . . . Flipper the Mouse would have been proud of us.

Last night was Mr Kris’s birthday party sort of meal so we all ate pies, roast potatoes, peas carrots cheesecake, meringue cream and cakes and other stuff; and as there is some left over guess what’s for tea (that’s northern for dinner), YUM.

This morning we set off to one of the local craft fairs with Mrs E but it turned out to be fifty years late (that’s the craft fair not us) or some sort of strange time warp thing must have happened because all the stuff looked a bit like it was made by granny in 1948. After efforts to look like we did not wish to escape we drank a cup of tea and sneaked out and vanished off for a chat and a drink with friends and Mrs E headed off. We decided not to go to the other craft fair just in case, after all there are only so many post war knitted Santa’s and gloves a chap can cope with in one day.

Luckily however the day has ended with another seriously cool looking sunset and I will soon being eating loads of pie and cheesecake and all the Zombie defence systems are fully operational so I can chill (that’s relax not get cold).   

Knitted Beasts and Alien Hunters

It is wet today very wet and not really warm either so all in all it is not a nice day and not a lot is going on, much like last night where after I had returned from fighting off Banshees, Zombies and various Monsters with pointy sticks I was expecting at least one trick or treat visitor. I know it does not sound like a lot but as we live out in the sticks sort of protected by a large Zombie defence ditch and of course there was Mr Jones, alien hunter to the stars (alien . . . Stars . . . . .  HA HHAH AH HAH HAH HAhha ha ha haha hah ah ha ha) who was prowling about in a green alien suit in the woods shouting I AM YOUR FRIEND TAKE ME YOU LEADER……. Although someone in the village thought he said fiend rather than friend so started throwing turnips at anything that moved , including Guy who was dressed as a Fox (GUY FOX . . . AH HAHAHHH HAH HAH AHh ha ha hah ah ah) who then got chased by men on horses wearing rubbish Halloween costumes. 

Resulting in no visitors at all last night; last year a skeleton and his mum made it through the darkness of the night, woods, ditches, and electric fences so we did make sure we had treats to give people this year. I had even made sure they were inside little knitted beasts in order to maintain continuity with my diary, I guess this means I will have to eat them all myself  . . . . . . . AH DAMN . . . HAH HAHAH HAHh ahh ah ah hh hah hah hha ha ha ha  . . . .  I mean the treats not the knitted beasts, they will be locked away in the shed again until next year despite their little squeaks and squeals of protest  . . . . . . . .HAH HA AH HHA HHAH HAH AH HA HAH HA HAH AH HAH HA HAH HAH AH HA HAH ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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Sand Circles. Aliens and a Wet Sunday Afternoon

Having been away on a secret mission at the coast for a week in Pembrokeshire where it was warm and sunny, yes that is a bit of a shock but luckily I managed to make Whalesimus the Micro God of Sunny beaches and holiday homes and his trusty Horse of the Sea. However he is not the Micro God of Home and so it is raining today somewhat, more that somewhat really.  I did say I would tell of some of my adventures and as today is cold and damp and I am doing very little in the tradition of a cold damp autumn Sunday, now is a good time to start.  I am sure you will be interested to know that there was much communication with aliens using the old classic Sand Circles method as favoured by many of the less aggressive aliens. Sadly Mr Jones was unable to visit us, but he did send the Ghost Writer down to help interpret messages and supply us with a suitable pointy stick to reply.

I also at one point had to save a dog fish from a rather aggressive seagull, I should point out all seagulls are aggressive even the friendly ones (this was not a friendly seagull). The poor old dog fish was stranded on the beach, I suspect left there by a dog who was annoyed by a fish pretending to be a dog. So the dog was sort of saying OK then Mr Clever lets see you do walkies, which the dog fish failed at rather badly allowing a mad seagull to attempt to eat it alive, not a nice thing to do.  So I returned the dog fish to a deep rock pool where it appeared to recover a bit although I will never know for sure if the dog fish managed to recover and make its way back to the safety of the sea (the world is full of such unknowns)…

I also met a talking telescope which demanded money or it was not going to tell us a thing, I told it that was extortion and I refused to pay him so he just sat there pretending to ignore us. Talking telescopes it appears are unsociable beasts who spend most of their time looking blankly out to sea in a grump.

Right well for now that is about it as I may go and attempt to shrug off the grey cloak of a damp autumn Sunday far from the nearest IKEA.  I will show you conclusive prove of aliens breeding on the beaches of Britain in the next few days, it was a bit of a shock to me too but the camera can not lie.

The Pale Tussock Moth People of Tussockonium

A couple of days ago I said that the End of the World would be a result of Zombies arriving on the 1^st Feb 3456 well today we have had a sign that indicates that although the date is right, particularly after the collapse of the tower of apples.  But a creature was seen walking on the apples that had formed the tower, a strange creature that can only mean that it will not be Zombies but aliens that will arrive and destroy mankind. These aliens I think will look like moths and be pale hairy beasts a bit like yeti’s only more moth shaped and from a strange planet probably called Tussockonium, so should you see any of the Pale Tussock Moth People of Tussockonium my advice would be to run away quick.

There is one defence method that may work however it has always worked with alien Moth People in the past and that is to switch on a bright unshaded light bulb, preferably not one of those stupid low energy ones as you will find you have been abducted and experimented on for at least half an hour before the light bulb is bright enough to confuse the Aliens.

It appears the one thing alien Moth People have a problem with is bright lights, apparently a throw back to their evolutionary past when they used glowing orbs in their planets upper atmosphere to navigate by, much like we use satellite navigation in cars to drive up rivers and over the edge of cliffs (the steep drop not Cliff Richard, NO you are not allowed to drive over Cliff Richard).

Ooooooo I also used a pickaxe and some black paint today but not at the same time.

It appears that the headmaster says as well as Zombie Defence Classes I may be asked by the school governors to include Alien Defence Classes just in case the End of the World turns up rather earlier than predicted…..  

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The Sad End of Crop Circles, but the Arrival of the New Water Circles.

Mr Jones several times lately has been lamenting the times back in the old days when aliens could communicate with folk on Earth using crop circles; when crop circles were simple affairs with subtle messages asking if we were friendly, and did we mind if they were to come down and eat us all, well maybe not all, but certainly all the politicians. But then hoaxers started making fancy elaborate crop circles that looked all very clever but had more to do with art installations than a simple alien message, which in turn annoyed the aliens resulting in them saying they had, had enough and were going to go off to sulk. As they said, no one likes a smart arse human ruining a decent cornfield pretending they are aliens, particularly aliens.

However he cheered up this morning with the discovery of an alien Water circle on our drive, he says it has all the hallmarks of the original circles and is plainly the work of alien intelligent life.  And although it has been some time since they last communicated with mankind they say that we appear to be rubbish still at picking leaders. Well I must admit I do agree with that most of them just seem to cause trouble for us ordinary folk in the street with their mad plans of power and corruption.

Apparently the message also said that the rumour that Zombies have an aversion to Grannies almost indestructible old carpet is just not true, and that they are far keener on the retro granny look that most people realise and that I should hide that carpet pronto.

So I spent the day hiding the carpet, then later on Mr F arrived as he is spending the weekend with us so I have been chatting and am therefore a little late with the diary . . . . . Sorry about that…..

The Perils of life as a Parrot.

It appears that Sam the Parrot has been stolen from his home at Harry Tuffins Superstore in Churchstoke which may not seem like devastating news, but around here he is known to almost everyone, partly because he shouts at you when you enter the supermarket. In the old days he was free range and would laugh and bounce about as he snipped another finger off some unsuspecting small child, well he is a parrot after all.

Now there are some thefts in the world of crime that are just seen as bad form such as stealing from small children and little old ladies, as Benny Neckbender would say ITS not right stealing stuff from someones granny and such things are frowned on badly by decent upstanding criminals. However one of the lowest of the lows in this world of moral conflicts is stealing a mans parrot, since the days of pirates on the high seas it has been taboo to steal parrots and will result in bad karma (like seriously bad Karma). So if you are reading this and have a nicked parrot then I would say best to hand it back or Napoleon Beelzebub will be turning up saying WHOSE A pretty boy then something you really don’t want to hear from Satan.

The Ghost Writer however has a different theory, well he has two . .. . the first is :-

Not so long ago the Co-op took over the supermarket but not the whole of the building, so could not get rid of the parrot,  It is not in keeping with the multinational corporate image they like to portray to the masses and so they have hired a hit man to bump off the parrot. Possibly the famous hit man known to the world as, The Jackdaw like in the Movie……The Day of the Jackdaw.

The second theory is:-

Late at night in the dark; Harry Tuffins Superstore was in fact broken into by aliens. Since the store was empty there was no one to communicate with in the dark as they grabbed provisions then a voice said TAKE ME to your leader, well we all know Sam the Parrot loves to talk but saying take me to your leader to an Alien is foolish indeed. So Sam will be on an Alien Spacecraft somewhere.

Ooooo yes there is one further point to make and that is this is not the first time Sam has been stolen but last time the thieves were caught when Sam told the pet shop owner they were trying to sell him too that he was in fact Sam the Parrot and needed some help pronto.

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Rob Z Quatermass and the Pit, also starring Mr Jones as Mr Jones

Dad has always said it is good to finish the job you start so I was sent down into the deep dark damp smelly pit to remove the last huge bit of root, which luckily I was able to do highly successfully. Interestingly though under the huge root was the edge of a large silver disk that gently hummed, WELL COOL. I was clearing the mud off it when Mr Jones saw it and said what ever I did not to poke at it with a sharp stick as this was an alien spacecraft and these were seriously grumpy aliens, who have been known to destroy whole planets because someone has poked their spacecraft with a pointy stick.

Rob Z Quatermass and the Pit

So Mr Jones shouted into the deep dark damp smelly pit . . . . TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, but the large silver disk just hummed at him and did nothing. Anyway as we waited I got bored and had sort of sharpened a pointy stick to a nice sharp point and thought, maybe if I just jabbed at it (the large silver disk) a couple of times they might wake up and chat to Mr Jones.

Mr Jones said that was a bit of an error so after a quick assessment of the situation we both decided to runaway rather fast.

Yes I know I sort of poked at them a bit with a pointy stick but don’t blame me if they turn up and eat you, its not my fault, it appears they are grumpier than I thought they might be……

OK I must run . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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The Royal Baby, The Alien, The Red Kite and Wasps

The Red Kite with the funny call has been circling round the house today, I don’t think I have mentioned it before but it is often about and has a really loud call, and for reasons best known to itself had decided the best bit of sky was directly overhead today.

We also have a wasps nest in a hedge as I mentioned the other day when I accidently hedge trimmed the nest a bit much to the annoyance of the wasps. I did try and get rid of them with some foam stuff, but it has not worked so today, and as they often say on TV when they do something that is not a good idea  . . . .  I do not recommend you do this at home . . . . . I turned the hose pipe on the wasps nest to sort of move them on a bit as wasps are not fans of water or people who spray them with hose pipes. This was a controlled experiment because I did know what I was doing, which was confusing a whole load of wasps while everyone else remained indoors wearing bee keeping equipment and shaking their heads muttering IDIOT. Now just in case anyone is thinking poor old wasps I don’t mind them a bit further away from the house, but at present we have two wasps’ nests in the roof and the one in the hedge next to the back patio and that is a lot of wasps.

I also made the mistake of turning on the BBC news and as far as I can tell there is no news whatsoever except a small baby has left a hospital, surely that is not news, it is what babies do after a bit they go home to a huge palace and become king. However Mr Jones says that he was sketching the baby as it left and from his sketch he is convinced that it might be an alien who from the advantage point of being the king of the world will be able to summon his alien battle fleet and eat everyone. Sadly Mr Jones efforts to tell the royals of his thoughts have not gone down well, nor has his drawing which one BBC royal correspondent called an abomination, apparently it does not have webbed feet (the baby, the alien does).  Still as Mr Jones said they did have its feet well covered up when it left the hospital and one reason for this could be webbed feet….

He has a point we need to see its feet…………

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Rob Z Tobor's A to Z return (otherwise known as the Z to A) . . . . . Z stands for Zumtonians

Back in April I did that A to Z thing that many folk who blog do, and I did it in my normal jolly way then at the end of doing it and returning to the daily routine of writing daily in my daily diary I did say that I would do a informal no stress return from Z to A. All at my own pace and as and when I was in the mood.  So today I have decided that thanks to Mr Jones the Alien watcher combined with a remarkably quiet day (again); today will be the first day of the return journey . . . . Z, this does not mean tomorrow is Y because this is a slow chilled decline to A based entirely on my head…..

First I must say I did have a cracking meal last night it was brill……… So well done all at Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café. The best food in the world……….

OK The Rob Z Tobor one man accessional informal Z to A.

As we all know Mr Jones is a avid Alien Watcher stalking the woods at night in the nude come rain or shine; Ah OK it does not shine much in the woods at night, but you get the point. Anyway this morning he was very excited as he has found a gold disk in the woods with a picture of an alien on it and messages. It is all in an alien language (well it would be) but dad has cobbled together a Steam Powered Thermal extracting translation machine  so we are now able to piece together what the aliens are saying. Apparently speed is now of the essence as Mr Jones and the man on the News at Radio Four on the BBC are saying that there appear to be a large number of spacecraft landing in Britain mainly in the Home Counties (that’s were all the yuppies live by the way if you are not from Britain)

So this is the message on the gold disk

ZZaf Zafafho Zjafhojh….Zxx Z Zumtonians

ZSkh zprpu  zpiup zuiuiur zJJAo zzzafsiafisa zHH zOHEihe  zh zzzhjkdhojahah zahdjhdadhz zjh EAT zakjakfjlf zlkafjajf zljafkafl zgotoi zpfkajkjkjj zkj Pork Piez zsffjslkjflkfsdfk zk zzzzzlksfjlseisdi zjlsfk zjslkj zkjslfjslk zjlskjflkjfewiu zjksjlk zjk zlskfjlks zkjfskjfi zp ziph zpuspufu zj zkj z  zkkj zkj jellied Brains z zklsflkjslkjl zlkjkllksfiofuiu Roast legs YUM zapfsjfkj Zumtonian zkjkljlksjflflksjl zkjlkjiuiuiu z zkjslkflskfjlk zjlkjfljsl zipwp9ew9zrwiuzskjflkj  zksjflk zjkjslkj zk Starters zfjfkjfslkj zru zkjfslf kjlskj zlkjflskj zpsfjk zlksjlksfjlk zlkjsuiur zlksjfl kjlkjsflkj zlkjflkjsflkjiutiuil zksflkfsjl zkslfsksirsd zlk zlzksflhsiosdirfh zljkshfljhfs zosursdosh zjhhj zsjh zjhfjh  zakjhj zhdka zk Monkeys zlskjl zkJI zEIAOI zOAEl  zljdhjhdjh zljdhj zhjhdjhuu zuhahauhfuhuh zhafuhfauh Zumtonia zouhaouhfuhfo zozo zo oz zozo ozo ozo zo zo zo zo ozo ozoo ozo ozo zo ozozozo

ZHSJ zHOJHJH  zjhkjhafkjhajhfkjh ziufhuhf zhkjfhkjhfkj zhakjfhkjfahj zh Pointy Teeth zdajfkjalkj zjafllk zjaflkjafljfalkjlkj zk Sweet Chilli Sauce  zpajd zjafjajfiajijaf zjaofijaojfoj zojafojfaoo zajfojoafjjo    ZO OZOZO OZOo zoOZO OZOZOOZO ZO OZO zo oz oo zozozo zo zo oz ozo zo zo oz oozoz ozo zo oz ozozozo ozo ZAH  ZDAMN  Zasdhasdlha  Zaskdjalkd Z aldhaldhd. ZOZ OZOZO ozo zo zo ozo zo o z

ZZZZ Za . . . . .  Z Z Ztop

And after hours of hard work here is what they say after all they will be knocking on folks doors shortly or even as I type……

Dear people of Earth or as we like to call you, Dinner….. We are the Zumtonians.

Hello People of planet earth I guess you are a little surprised by our visit to you planet after all it has been a very long time since we were last here, back then several million years ago your ancestors were all covered in hair and quite frankly ruined what should have been excellent fresh Pork pies, but I must say the jellied Brains were lovely. We must have made an impact back then because you talk of Zombies eating Brains to this day, but get it right we are Zumtonians. Even the Roast leg was a little ruined because the Pork scratching was too hairy.  Anyway we are back and it’s a long journey and so as they say in the Movies . . . . . TAKE ME TO MY STARTER  (SORRY I MEAN YOUR LEADER), its any easy error I’m dead hungry I have hardly had a bite since leaving Zumtonia, I could eat a Norse HAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAH HAH HA Hahh ah hahha hah ah hah ah hah ahh aha h ah hhah aha ha Ha HA

Don’t let the pointy teeth put you off we are very nice really and have brought you gifts, like these large jars a Chilli Sauce which we though you would love to roll about in as a sort of marinade Oooo…. no sorry I mean a skin tonic product HAH HAHAHHAH Hahh ah ha hah hahhahahah hahhah ha ha ha. Right I think I’ll go and eat some commuters in a pie AH DAMN no I mean I will go and meet some commuters as they pass by, I love a nice Whine with my dinner HAH HAHAHH HAHHAH HAHHAH HAHAHH HAHH HAhha hah ah hah ah hah ah aha h ah ahahh aha ha hah ah ha hahh Ha ha ha ha.

Your’s Mr Z Z Ztop    

Well best not answer the door for a bit then I guess. . . . . . . PHEW 

This is called a BLOG-FEAST HAH HAHHAh hahah ah hahhaha ha hah ahha hah ahahhah aa 

More Evidence of Aliens (good stuff this time)

I know what you all thinking . . . . . You are all thinking what a lovely day so it is just not possible that Rob Z Tobor and the slightly eclectic group of misfits plus the odd ferret that represent his class in the grand cyber academy; his place of education, could accidently run into Aliens. Well you see even on a lovely day like today there are some things you just cant assume, and one of them is that while on the annual compulsory orienteering race that the geography teacher insists we all do on particularly sunny days (while he sits in the sun at the finish) Freddie and his ferrets will not stumble over alien remains, so they did… WELL COOL. We carried the alien remains back to the school although it was harder than we thought as Mr Jones kept trying to steal them and said it was unfair as he was the one who had spent years in the woods running about in the nude trying to communicate with strange beings.

At school the headmaster said the remains smelt and would not allow them into the school, I think it might have been Freddie’s Ferrets that smelt a bit, it has been a very hot day and they were eating curry and beans last night (a ferret favourite so I am told).  Anyway I have photographed the evidence so that you can see this is all bona fide evidence of alien activity on Earth, and I have even drawn the missing bits to give you an idea of what it may have looked like.

 In other news back home we have discovered a mysterious path that leads to another path which then leads to another path with then leads back to the first mysterious path. These secret paths were hidden by the three bishops who I chopped up the other day.

And there was also a curved digital message in the field next door from the aliens when I returned home, a clincher of their existence if ever there was one. The message according to Mr Jones said :-

Please return the remains of our comrade Stron G Armkneel (sounds Scandinavian to me), the first alien to step foot on Earth and who sadly was unable to return to our planet. And foolishly  went native breeding with ape like creatures, despite being warned it was a bad move and it would all end in tears two million years later……………..

Anyway I am not sure how to tell them Freddie’s Ferrets sort of ate the remains as they were a bit peckish after the annual compulsory orienteering race, I think we can safely blame the geography teacher, it was all his fault.