The Exponential Time Curve of DIY, Lists & Zombies

So what did I do today well not a lot I did manage to clean up the last window in the Kitchen, which has been lingering about as a job to do for some time now.  I have over time come to realize that working on the house you actually live in has its own issues that need to be taken into account.  One of the more important of these is the completion of the task, OK it sounds dead easy, but it is not. You see you start off all keen and enthusiastic and the job skips along like a kangaroo chasing a porcupine on a skateboard, but the nearer you get to completion the slower you work. Eventually you will come to a grinding halt although it can be difficult to judge at what point this will happen; with luck it will be with something tiny left to do that folk will not notice. 

Now some of you will be thinking OOOOoooooo no I would never do that, but anyone who does any DIY on their own home, which here in Britain is loads of folk will know this is a universal truth.  I am sure that there is a wise old Chinese saying from back in time that says something like. . . . . No man should ever completely finish working on his own home if he wishes to remain happy. . .  It is a wise if sexist saying, but back then old Chinese sayings could be a bit like that, lets face it political correctness is not something history is abundant in.

However in respect to completing the work in the kitchen this was the last awkward little job to get done and it is all chilled from now on with only a few tiny wafer thin bits left to do which based on the Exponential Time Curve of DIY (that’s Do It Yourself if this is a term not used outside of Britain).  So in a mere 15 years it will all be done. However there are loads of other jobs to do I have a list which was given to myself and our friendly builder Chris. Although Chris the friendly builder was given his own list by his wife so he is a bit busy at present, well up to the point he has almost finished then he will be back. We have a project to start in the garden building a Welsh Chapel lookalike Summerhouse and bolthole to escape from passing Zombies.   Zombies avoid Welsh Chapels because they will say. . . It is full of Hymn. . . . . HA HAH ahah ah ah a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah a hah  

Talking of which I still have to write my all new Halloween tale of an old witch from a strange Kingdom where celebrating Halloween was banned until one year when . . . . . . OK that is enough of a hint for now. . . . . Exciting isn’t it . . . AH DAMN

And a bit of Poetry to keep you happy

The strange world of twitter

Is full of bits of litter

Jumbled words in a few short lines

From the jumbled heads of jumbled minds

Where has the Tarra-gone

It’s been missing for some Thyme

It ran off to Coriander

Having heard the Garlic had been crushed

And the Chives all chopped up Fine. 

The journey of a thousand boxes starts with one IKEA Allen Key . . .

Recently I removed half a wall from what will be the kitchen dinning room and then sorted out another wall to put up a row of 2.2 metre high units. While this was happening some other men came and fitted Bi-fold doors on the end wall that replaced a large window. The fitting of the Bi-fold doors resulted in the building of a deck area or it was a bit like falling off a cliff onto the patio. And this has been done by our own friendly magic builder Chris who has done jobs for us for many many years and is rather good.

Then the other day I started the process of building the units, our kitchen is a build it yourself affair from IKEA in a bright gloss red the colour of blood O YES as subtle as you can get. Now I know some of you will be thinking . . . . . You bought a build it yourself kitchen from IKEA are you MAD . . . . .  Well not entirely they can be very cost effective as long as you are chilled with building something that arrives in 128 boxes. I agree 128 boxes is a bit of a scary prospect not helped by only having the receipt as a guide to what is in each box and then having to work out which inside goes with which outside ourselves.

However today I achieved my first milestone on the journey of a thousand boxes (it appears there are small boxes of bits in the big boxes of bits); I completed the carcasses of the four 2.2 metre high units. They are fixed to the wall, locked together, and all the same height as well as being square to the two side walls. This is no mean task in British houses which have a tendency to be slightly wonky, its an old building tradition that goes back to almost the ice age when man first arrived in Britain and bought their first flat pack item from IKEA, a rather posh stone circle at Stonehenge.

One thing I did do was break the first rule in the instruction manual for assembling these units which was do not do this on your own it is dangerous and may result in damage to you or your units. Well I am grumpy and anyway it was a cunning way to save a few pounds, this modernizing your home lark is not cheap so it is good to save where you can. . . I am after all a mean Scotsman. . . .      

What is mans greatest fear . . . . . . . . The Big Question

There are many differences between men and women both physically and physiologically as you might expect, I mean if we were identical it would only cause a lot of confusion although it would make religion a bit easier.  There is however one thing that is the Achilles heel of every single man in the world irrespective of whether he is a rock climber,  musician, nuclear scientist, mechanic or a Patagonian goat herder. It is something that men fear more than any other thing, and yet women don’t understand why and will often look indignant and shake their heads as a chap desperately tries to find any reason he can not to undertake this particular task. It is said that men have gone to war and fought to the death rather than face this; on the face of it simple task, that they are often asked to do by women in particular.  Enticing their chaps with erotic clothing or bacon butty’s or whispering rude things in their ears. But chaps will seldom do this terrible thing even when enticed with a half naked woman holding a hot bacon butty with fried onions and brown sauce made with a lightly toasted freshly made bap with loads of butter.

So it was with some trepidation that I started the day knowing that one of the tasks of the day was this mans greatest fear, although luckily I had enough other things to do to avoid starting. In the end though I had to face mans nemesis and with the appropriate implements to hand I set too. But then I had to stop as it was time for our evening meal and I am now too weary to start again, and tomorrow I am busy and on Wednesday, in fact it will probably be the weekend now before I have to face this terrible thing again and carry on with the terrible task of putting up shelves.           

Medieval Defence Systems and shouting OOO YUCK DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY IS A ZOMBIE at a Partridge

Today saw the arrival of Chris the Builder who is making the final part of the Zombie defence system. This extra fence will cut off the entire back of the house recreating the old medieval defence system of having a stockade within a stockade, layering the defences. Modern Zombies are rubbish, a result of watching too much television although they seem to have turned out as the underdog among the many monsters as the likes of Vampires are seen as COOL these days. Zombies are not cool no one wants to be a Zombie anymore. Even Harry Potter and his mates would shout OOO Yuck Draco Lucius Malfoy is a Zombie then scurry off and hide in the forest; YES OK he was a Zombie but that is not the point. . . . . . Talking of which I appear to have wandered from mine a bit.

We also have a Bumble Bee nest in the garage at present and I saw a Leech this morning having a bit of a swim and two partridge shouting at Harry the Cat, maybe it was Malfoy impersonating a Partridge shouting at Harry the Cat thinking it was Harry Potter.  

And I did a bit more work on the door and I am sure there was something else I was planning to write about but I have forgotten so it was probably important. ... 

Ooooooo what is an underdog anyway, because if its under the dog it must be smallish as the term never crops up with a huge dog with loads of space under it . . . . . and what’s all this crops up stuff too are we talking about stealing carrots . . . . . the English language is rubbish.

And A Happy Birthday Miss Lily I hope your day has been OK. . . . . . .  

The Door and The Diary the Norwegian, the Troll and Harry Potter.

OK yes it still needs painting

I can here several folk thinking Hey ROB what’s with all those odd stories lately why don’t you give us some real information something sensible not all that damn loony stuff, why don’t you tell us what you did today. Yes OK I take the hint so I will tell you of my day . . . . . it’s boring though, really boring. 

A box arrived this morning from BT to replace the old box we have from BT, apparently our old box is so old that in less than a months time it will stop working and will officially be obsolete. Typical although the new one does not appear to look that much different to the old one, so I guess at some point it will be a box change . . . .Oooooooo that will be an exciting diary entry for you all.

After that we decided to go to a Garden centre in Welshpool, it did take longer than planned as there was a silly man in a car who was going rather slow. Anyway he decided he wanted to leave on the same exit as us at the roundabout, even though he indicated differently that was sort of close. I was going to shout at him, but I was not allowed to. As we entered Welshpool behind the silly man it was chaos due to a large lorry unloading at the main lights it took ages to get through, as we got near the huge lorry and the lights the silly man we had followed decided that the best place to wait for things to sort themselves out was parked next to the huge lorry. O yes that was clever blocking the entire road was a great help, we left him loads of space to reverse out the way but he just sat there and so he totally grid locked Welshpool which made him very popular.

Anyway after things were sorted we went and bought a couple of plants and then headed home using another route, we are not silly enough to go back the same way.  Then I set upon making a slightly ventilated panel for a door by drilling loads of holes in it. I based my design on an old Iceland Norse calendar that can predict the full moon and it’s designed so that once ever five hundred years the rising sun shines through the holes and creates the image of Sven Erik Astro-turfston the legendary Burgan Troll Slayer who discovered Iceland way back when . . . . .   Those Burgan Trolls were sharp witted and clever trolls and it was one of the great battles of Norwegian History.

Trolls do get a bad name everyone assumes they are huge blundering half wits a reputation that is not helped by the likes of Harry Potter and his mates who got into a right strop when they were beaten in team chess by a group of Trolls. . . . . . . .  O NO they don’t tell you that in the books or the films, they soon forgot about that little incident and then make the trolls out to be IDIOTS. . . .  But some of us know the truth Mr Harry (can’t beat a Troll at Chess) Potter. . . YA SUCKS BOO.

Ooooooo I better stop before this gets a bit too long.

I have just had a cup of tea….

Not entirely child friendly but very funny if you live near Welshpool

H is for Harpies

The improved Mk2 Harpy picture (Yes OK it looks like a Mermaid) 

I have spent the day working on a door although it has a bit of an issue at present as the hole that the door fits into has a curved side. That is very annoying indeed and has added slightly more work to the task involved.  Now some of you are probably wondering what is Rob Z Tobor doing with a door in the first place, after all he is the eccentric child of cyberspace and should be doing strange things in that cyber-school of his, not making a door to keep the harpies out. 

Well that is true but I need to work on diversity in order to keep the very nice Steven Spielberg interested in the block buster film script. To achieve this I am covering every single plot possible to man . . . . . . . .as long as it involves friendly but slightly scary things, yes OK the odd thing eats folk but that is life, you create a Zombie tell him where the canteen is and what does he do, eat all the cooks, they are rubbish at instructions (that’s Zombies not cooks, they discovered Austria, that’s cooks not Zombies).

So I have drawn a friendly harpy today just to avoid any filming issues when Mr Spielberg shouts cut. We don’t want folk losing arms again do we? Harpies get a bad name historically when in fact they like nothing better than a bit of a fly round the church tower chasing seagulls and eating the odd vicar while hurling grave stones at the congregation, laughing hysterically and making rude gestures with their feet.  Ok harpies are a bit naughty and Pooing on Nelsons Column is I agree a little un-lady like, but as they say themselves the pigeons do it all the time. I don’t think I will be the one to tell them that Harpy Poo is a bit smellier and larger than Pigeon Poo, OK they have a bit of a temper too and are grumpy and keep bees in jam jars full of plastic flowers to confuse the bees.  Harpies don’t eat honey, unless it is a cute ginger kitten. But they are not all bad. . . . OK they are . . . which is why I am making a door.         

Pizza Slice, The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth, Aliens and Elsewhere

I have not achieved a great deal today, it has been that sort of day I looked at a little job involving some tongue and groove panelling but did not have the things I needed, so sort of waved the various bits about shook my head a lot pointed and said OOOOO sorry madam it needs a new thermitechnic screw adjuster like all good plumbers and then said I would be back two weeks next Thursday. However mum said I was not a plumber I was an IDIOT and sent me out to do things elsewhere, but I knew where here was and I knew where there was but I could not find elsewhere. Despite asking everyone I ran into (I say ran into I was walking and did not make any physical contact) such as the Banshees and the Lemmings of Petrograd, who were playing leap frog ( Lemmings, leap frog . . . . .HAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAH ha hah ah hah ah ahahhah ha ha ha) a few Zombies, a few Cows, a Raven, The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth, Mr Jones, Esmeralda and Freddie who have formed a new group called ‘Watching Alien Invasion Tactics’ or WAIT for short. Apparently Mr Jones often chases aliens through the woods shouting WAIT  . . . . . . take me to your leader.

Hang on what was I saying  . . . . . . AH YES elsewhere; when I asked everyone I was looking for elsewhere they would generally scratch their heads ask if I meant here and when I said no they would suggest over there but I was not looking for there I was looking for elsewhere. I spent a lot of time doing that until I worked out I had been here there and everywhere, although not elsewhere. You can see how a chaps day can vanish like sand through the fingers of a little old ladies hand when perusing such a task, strangely it is the sort of task us chaps will do for hours and women tend not too even for five minutes, although I don’t know why?

In other news I noticed on the news that a man who I believe was a captain of Star Trek although not Captain Kirk (the real captain) was going on about never eating a pizza slice before even though he is now seventy, although he has eaten pizza. Now call me an IDIOT but me and the Ghost Writer who is well old, are well confused what is a pizza slice if it is not a pizza, If either of use go out a restaurant and order a pizza we want the whole thing not a bit of it.  As I say the poor old Ghost Writer (note the word OLD) and I don’t understand what they were talking about.

Oooo I was a bit rushed for a picture tonight so I photographed my dinner (I know it is a bit healthy looking) and it is not pizza. 

The Blindfold, the Sawdust and the Mug of Tea

Today involved leaping into action, not easy when it is freezing cold outside, but I managed it sort of. I was then transported to another location having been blindfolded by dad who said it was a request by members of the family who were worried I might go and visit them on my own if I knew where the lived.  Normally I might complain about this but as they are close relatives I guess it is OK? Once there I was pointed at a large hole, no not in the ground but in a row of kitchen units and was told I was the ideal person to build two shelves to support loads of stuff and that I did not need to worry to much about the quality of it as long as it was perfect, and blended in like part of the original kitchen. I was then told I could take as long as I like as long as it was finished before it got dark and that I would not be allowed any food or drink until it was done, and I had been blindfolded again and returned home.  But as I have said they are close relatives so its OK.

As it happened it was rather a big task so I was very busy and made huge clouds of sawdust as I cut all the bits of wood up to fit into the space, dad who was watching me work as he chatted to the family said when I have mastered woodwork like he did many moons ago I will be able to do all this without creating huge mounds of sawdust but he said on this occasion he would let me off as he had forgotten to remove the blindfold.  I must admit it was much easier without the blindfold but I thought it might be like one of those military things where they have to take their guns apart in the dark and then reassemble it only to discover they have accidently shot everyone, I’m sure making shelves blindfolded in harder..

I did ask dad if he had remembered the spirit level but he said I could have a glass of wine when I was older but I would have to make do with a mug of tea for now, a mug of tea is not the most accurate spirit level in the world but sort of works OK, but you then end up with a mug of tea full of sawdust, lumpy tea is not all that nice. . . . .YUCK

Finally about five o’clock I finished the job; was then blindfolded and brought home by dad so I could eat food, I was hoping to see Miss E while I was there but she remained hidden under a duvet and refused to come out saying it was noisy and the world was full of sawdust, apparently she has created a new world under her duvet and has proclaimed herself queen and has not been seen as such for three days.  So that’s it another busy day of useful work, this half term is terrible so far I appear to have done nothing but be useful and productive, and my diary is turning into an IDIOTS guide to DIY . . . . . . . I don’t think Steven Spielberg is going to make a DIY movie about shelves and muddy holes yet……  

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One man and his painted human silhouette . . . .

A mite on the cold side again.  . . . .DAMN

Just at present I feel I am staggering through a barren desert devoid of events and interesting things to write about; yes I know that we have a Pope and horses turning up in convenience foods, and Esmeralda has realigned the steam powered catapult so that the school goat landed in the large DIY store and became deranged from sniffing glue. I say sniffing I should possibly say chewing cans of glue. I don’t recommend letting a goat get deranged in a DIY store full of power tools and no frozen peas, I never even knew a goat could operate a chainsaw, I guess all those hours in the woodwork department have not been entirely wasted.

But the point is in the present state of limbo news and events are thin on the ground, and at this rate I will be telling you about Freddie’s new re-enactment of One man and his Dog, but who in their right mind wants to read about Freddie’s revival of the old show rounding up sheep and getting them into a pen at the bottom of a large field. Although in Freddie’s case he used his two best ferrets and the little old ladies from the Bingo bus and rounded them up into the trolley pen at the bottom of the large Supermarket car park.   

But you really don’t want to hear all about that, and I was a bit distracted anyway because I had painted a human silhouette on the car park near the disabled bays and was doing rather well making a few pounds doing the Richard the Third tourist trail reciting famous lines like “a trolley a trolley my kingdom for a decent trolley that does not squeak and pull to the left” and “Alas poor checkout operative I knew them well”.

AH right where was I OH Yes, the bitter cold long dark winter (ooooo yes “This is the Winter of our discounted Tent . . . 50% off”)  . . . . Sorry distracted again. I was saying the cold long dark winter where everyone has got their head down and nothing is happening and as a result has left me in a state of crisis with nothing to write about having arrived home late due to the escaped flock of Wildebeest that escaped from the processed food factory and were running towards the bypass holding up all the traffic including the school bus. And these new improved android bus drivers are rubbish, just because class 15AS set fire to Mr Harris the bus driver a couple of times.

Ok that’s it I will not subject you to the verbal equivalent of watching paint dry any longer and I will go and see if I can see that big hawk outside the house again, I was going to take a picture of it for you but in an act of defiance something that Hawks, Popes and Richard the Third are rather good at it flew away.  The pope does this too but Richard the Third takes a more Ostrich approach to defiance than a hawks approach to defiance. As Richard would say himself “An honest tale speeds best, being plainly TOLD BY Rob Z Tobor”

BYE

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The phobia of putting up shelves . . . Pluteusiphobia

This is a very difficult diary entry to write, very difficult indeed, but not for any reason that might have come into your head, because lets face it when someone writes something like this is a very difficult thing to write people think of all sorts of stuff. But in this case all that, all sorts of stuff is the wrong stuff. You see Heavy Harry the Cat is a bit poorly still and he has settled down on my head. Which means it is far from easy to write anything, this and my known skills with a QWERTY keyboard plus my spelling skills can only result in the days events turning into gibberish. Which is not like me I am usually so concise and to the point, while on the subject of points I have to inform you that Heavy Harry the Cat still has pointy claws despite his present illness. The dog says if I just stopped moving about the cat would not need to cling on; easy to say when you don’t have a cat on your head.

So today was a day of practical subjects at school, as part of the new academy status they now teach pupils how to put up a shelf. Although both boys and girls are taught the subject it has been proved scientifically that each of the sexes approaches this task in very different ways. 

Men it appears have a bit of a problem with shelves and there is a new theory that men suffer from Pluteusiphobia the fear of putting up shelves taken from the Latin word  Pluteus, meaning shelf like (the dog told me that). I guess it explains why dad never puts up shelves. Women do not suffer from this and are happy to put up shelves but are normally scuppered by men hiding the power tools. This of course is not problem for Esmeralda with her interchangeable clip on power tool attachments and it appears she is a natural at putting up shelves. In fact she totally refitted the school Library and was given three gold stars and 300 house points, she is dead pleased and is now thinking of starting her own business called Shelves-a-go-go with the catchy logo ‘Have drill will travel’. I would offer to help but I think I might be getting Pluteusiphobia.

Anyway I will stop writing now because there is only so much any man can do with a cat sat on his head.

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Bollywood Food, Steven Spielberg and the Icelandic fridge leprechauns

The day started wet, that is not what the man on the weather forecast on the wireless said last night or this morning and it remained like this till lunchtime when it suddenly became sunny. It was rather interesting because the cloud suddenly ended as a line across the sky and it was blue and clear one side and all cloud the other, maybe dad has finally got that weather machine working.

I was unfortunately set to work in the Orange room again moving a cabinet out and a shelf unit in. That sounds easy enough but both were full of stuff loads of stuff, we have loads of stuff because we like stuff and none of us like to throw things away just in case.  Then I had to put a CD rack up that holds loads of CD’s but it proved rather a tricky thing to do, which should not happen, it should be easy.  Not too much left to do now though  

I think the problem is iffy walls the drill starts to wander about a bit and then everything is out of alignment; I can see now, why I was made to do all this. Then when I was putting up a curtain rail I found a huge great I-beam, (not an iphone or ilaser death ray). 

I have just been told that it is all very well writing what I have done in my diary but that very nice Stephen Spielberg is hardly likely to make a how to do DIY film. Personally I would not put it past him he is a fickle film maker and you just can’t tell what he might do after all he is rather diverse in his choices. The dog says that I stand more change of making it onto one of the What the Butler Sawed in Half Machines on the pier at Blackpool or Brighton rather than the wide screen in 3D, but he will change his mind when we get offered loads of money……. Mum says IDIOT.

We have just had a rather yummy Indian takeaway from the Indian restaurant in Monty so I am now going to put my feet up and chill….. I say that but I will not be putting my feet up anything and will remain warm rather than trying to freeze, it is difficult to be relaxed while you are cold unless you are one of those Icelandic fridge leprechauns that causes agro in the fridge, eating all the good bits like chocolate and the ice cream. I haven’t seen one myself but both dad and the dog have, and I have noticed chocolate vanishing.

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