The Nativity Scene, The Religious Relic and IKEA

Sorry it is not a great picture but it is a dark spot 

Now as some of you will know I am not a religious chap and so you will be looking at my pictures and saying WHAT? And quite right too, but as you also know (I think) I did make a nativity scene for Christmas this year. Not for any religious reason it was more a case of making homemade things such as the paper chains and the like, folk don’t make enough homemade things, it’s all batteries and iPhones.  Anyway today I made a box for the nativity scene to go in and I thought MMMMmmmmmmmm what sort of box does a nativity scene go in, so I have made one in the form of a religious relic so that in 10,000 years time it will become a religious relic. OK it is made from the box one of the IKEA draws arrived in, so inside it says IKEA which might ruin its potential as a religious relic. Luckily there is an old saying that goes . . . God moves in a mysterious way. . . . Well I think we can all say that is something of an understatement so who can tell and there are some well dodgy religious relics about in the world already.  

Now a few of you know that I also sometimes turn up in the world of twitter and I am sure I let that nice Kirsty Allsopp  know of my homemade Nativity Scene. But as I have found over the last couple of years if I turn up and tweet at a celeb or the like in cyberspace they seem to vanish faster than a seagull stealing a chip butty from a small child on a beach in South Wales. . . Now that is fast those Welsh seagulls are dangerous beasts.  OK back to the point if there is one. Well those celebs will in ten thousand years time regret not spending more time reading my tweets when my religious relic turns up in the Vatican proving that once God or Rob Z Tobor or both must have visited IKEA. . . . . . . . .     

Kitchen Floors, Strangers, and the End of the World

Today we had strangers in the house not as in sneaking in but as in expected, but they were folk I did not know and I don’t like having folk I do not know in my own house. To make matters slightly worse they were doing work in the house, I do not like folk doing work for me if I don’t known them, particularly in my own home. Just before they arrived in their van they phoned and a rather chirpy Jack the Lad sort of chap explained they would be arriving soon in a rather chirpy Jack the Lad sort of way.  They were on their way to lay the new vinyl flooring in the kitchen diner. I had laid ply down removed the skirting boards and filled any gaps so that all was nice and easy so they were dead chuffed when they realized all that had been done. It also meant they were able to complete the work much quicker than they had planned and left a couple of hours later still chirpy and smiling well ahead of schedule so that they could get another job done before heading home.

So it means the kitchen  diner is starting to take shape and is just starting to look a bit posh which is all a bit odd really because I am not posh and very very dishevelled and rickety. So there is not a great deal left to do, a bit of electrics and I have to remove all the plastic film from the IKEA units so that instead of a dullish mat red there will be a high gloss shiny red allowing folk to see my reflection in all the units glowing red at them in a scruffy dishevelled fashion. . . A bit like a shabby devil with unkept hair and a grumpy disposition.

I heard from a friend earlier who was having a bit of a family issue with a member of his family clutching the lawn in a vice like grip and refusing to let go. I think they were trying to talk the person off the lawn, but last I heard they were still fixed fast to the ground.

Now if you remember I did say 21^st September was the End of the World and I was just wondering if this was the first stage. One of the things you might expect to happen if the End of the World does occur is folk clutching the ground and refusing to let go. It is entirely logical because if the world is going to vanish the best chance you have of being a survivor is to be hanging onto it as best you can. . . . . I am at present hedging my bets because I have just had a posh new floor put in the kitchen diner so if the world does not end I will be able to eat in a posh room although still looking a bit tramp-ish in my own general appearance.     

The Strange World of Harry Potter, Sinks and Fate

Only the other day I mentioned that a trip to IKEA was needed in order to replace the sink as our old sink had sort of fallen apart (I know it’s a sink?) and I also mentioned that my car had issues. Not as in it does not like pink and is refusing to enter the garage until the wallpaper is removed sort of issues, but as in a bit faulty. Anyway as a result of all this plans changed a bit today and my sights were set on nearer locations for sinks, in particular B & Q in Shrewsbury. Well fate is an odd critter indeed and can create many a coincidence, because as you know my blog is in JK Rowling mode at present so as I looked at a wall of sinks (no really it was a wall of sinks?) and we pinned the choice down to three it became clear which one was the right choice when I looked at the names. You do loads of research and in the end it comes down to the fact one of the sinks was from the World of Harry Potter, by that I mean it was called a Sirius Black sink.

Then I thought maybe this sink is named after Sirius Black or to give him his full name which we now know, Sirius Sid (Sink) Black or just Sink to his close mates. I can see why he has kept this a secret over the years I can imagine folk saying stuff like . . . Who the hell is doing all that tapping . . . . . or . . . . WHO’S turn is it to do the washing up then SIRIUS . . . or even . . . Stick a Plug in it Sirius . . .

Interestingly having just heard the Midland news on the tele, it appears that had I tried to go to IKEA it would not have been very easy as the main road was closed due to an accident involving several vehicles. It just goes to show that life is a very very twisty road indeed (no pun intended) and that you just can’t tell what is for the best, which it seems in my case was my car having problems and requiring a trip to the garage the other day. Maybe the car knew more than it was telling and thought I am not going there.

With luck (well who can tell what luck is) the new Harry Potter based Sink will be fitted into the new worktop tomorrow and will look dead posh, the new kitchen will then be one stop closer to completion . . . . . It has been a long time now since it was started and I am flagging

Ooooooo I also got my car back in the late afternoon and it is happy and smiling again. 

The Strange World of IKEA

I have been in IKEA today it is an interesting place and one I have written about before, but it never fails to let me down as a strange world that allows humans to get as close to feeling like an ant as it is possible to get without being an ant.

OOOOOoooo that was odd ……. I have just heard a noise that sounded like a large wheelie bin  running out of control down a long hill which is a bit odd. . . .  But back to the day in the Ants nest (sorry IKEA).

They do like to herd you round the system with its labyrinth of twisty paths and helpful arrows projected onto the floor and conveniently placed small items of delight. Yes the small items of delight are in fact the bread and butter of IkEA profits as folk just love a bargain or two or three . . . O what the hell stick loads of them in the trolley.

The thing is there are folk, OK not many of them that will insist on going against the flow in a sort of rebellious manner shouting I am a Man not a Number. And this made me wonder if in an ants nest there are rebellious ants who go the wrong way and refuse to do their job, possibly hanging about in the bar saying stuff like . . . I will just finish this drink and theN I’m off to collect more leaves . . . Phew I got loads this morning and aM exhausted.  The Barman (Ant) shaking his head and raising his eyes to heaven.  OK IKEA does not have a bar but they do serve those Swedish meat balls so it’s a bit like ant food sort of in an odd way that most folk can relate too.

So did I weaken an buy any of the small items of delight as I wandered the paths twisting and turning towards the hub of IKEAS heart known to the masses as the checkouts . . . . . . . AH yes I got a small pad to draw stuff for the blog which cost a pound, three small cactus and something else. As well as the last couple of bits required to assemble the last unit in the kitchen. So I was lucky really some folk leave with several hundred pounds of stuff they never planned to get and can’t even pronounce the name of it. . . . 

The continuing saga of the IKEA Kitchen. . . . .

I have been back working on the Kitchen today and it has been slow progress. One of the chunky hinges snapping closed on my finger and then to get it off I had to first find a screwdriver and then had to slide it into the side of the hinge and force it apart enough to escape. It was rather painful but it is OK (that’s me NOT the hinge, although it is OK too). Then later on I found a Stanley knife blade while rummaging in a box for some screws. There was not much blood and anyway the kitchen is a glossy blood red colour, something I have now conclusively proved. I am still working on the 2.2 metre units and the draws are all in and are even in the right place. The microwave is in and working, we need a microwave to make Cocoa and Hot Chocolate as well as defrosting the odd thing from the freezer.  We are not fans of microwave food but they are good to heat up an Indian takeaway from time to time. . .

Anyway I discovered today there are three different hinge types to deal with so I am using my technical know-how to work out which one goes where (luckily only one type bite, the biggest), OH yes that time spend in a secret research laboratory was not wasted. . . . AH DAMN forget I said that. I will say the IKEA kitchen appears to be fairly well made, for what is in kitchen terms a relatively cheap option, but the instructions (or lack of them) are rubbish. All we have are three diagrams of the unit door layout and where they go in the room and a very long list of parts. As for the inside of each unit it is vaguely based on a sketch we made, of what we wanted when we were at the store.  O well onward and upward.

What I need are some of those Mechanical Knights of Trumble-Spinny, they would have this kitchen finished and working before you could say. . . . . . . Why have we got a shelf left over . . . . . . .    

The journey of a thousand boxes starts with one IKEA Allen Key . . .

Recently I removed half a wall from what will be the kitchen dinning room and then sorted out another wall to put up a row of 2.2 metre high units. While this was happening some other men came and fitted Bi-fold doors on the end wall that replaced a large window. The fitting of the Bi-fold doors resulted in the building of a deck area or it was a bit like falling off a cliff onto the patio. And this has been done by our own friendly magic builder Chris who has done jobs for us for many many years and is rather good.

Then the other day I started the process of building the units, our kitchen is a build it yourself affair from IKEA in a bright gloss red the colour of blood O YES as subtle as you can get. Now I know some of you will be thinking . . . . . You bought a build it yourself kitchen from IKEA are you MAD . . . . .  Well not entirely they can be very cost effective as long as you are chilled with building something that arrives in 128 boxes. I agree 128 boxes is a bit of a scary prospect not helped by only having the receipt as a guide to what is in each box and then having to work out which inside goes with which outside ourselves.

However today I achieved my first milestone on the journey of a thousand boxes (it appears there are small boxes of bits in the big boxes of bits); I completed the carcasses of the four 2.2 metre high units. They are fixed to the wall, locked together, and all the same height as well as being square to the two side walls. This is no mean task in British houses which have a tendency to be slightly wonky, its an old building tradition that goes back to almost the ice age when man first arrived in Britain and bought their first flat pack item from IKEA, a rather posh stone circle at Stonehenge.

One thing I did do was break the first rule in the instruction manual for assembling these units which was do not do this on your own it is dangerous and may result in damage to you or your units. Well I am grumpy and anyway it was a cunning way to save a few pounds, this modernizing your home lark is not cheap so it is good to save where you can. . . I am after all a mean Scotsman. . . .      

Edmond Eccles . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Edmond Eccles

Eccles was a dreamer an academic who spent his days in the British library, reading its vast array of books on the meaning of life. It was during one of his visits to the British Library that he met Esmeralda one of the library assistants.  However she said she could never be with a man who was a dreamer and would only marry a man with practical skills who could deal with all that IKEA furniture.  So to prove his worth Edmond Eccles invented the Eccles Environmental Elbow a device to reduce earthquake vibration in tall buildings and those new fangled iron railway bridges.

The device was a brilliant success and as an inventor Edmond Eccles was invited to join the Preposterous Club of Great Britain where he and His Bride to be met another inventor Mr Benjamin Braithwaite Browning where young Esmeralda unknown to Edmond Eccles had her head turned having been introduced to the Barometric Bellows.

It was only months later when the highly publicised court case of Mr Benjamin Braithwaite Browning and the socking revelations of the Barometric Bellows use by certain folk, that Esmeralda told Edmond that she had in fact used the bellows herself several times during visits to the Preposterous Club.  This was too much for Edmond Eccles and he bludgeoned Esmeralda to death with his own invention the Eccles Environmental Elbow; as he was led away by the police later he was heard to say Life has no meaning which was rather ironic as he had spent fifteen years reading about the meaning of life.

He was shown leniency by the judge who said, those Barometric Bellows are the work of the devil and he would have probably done the same thing so Edmond Eccles was sent to the colonies where he died in an earthquake after only a week of being there.  . . . . . . . . It’s a funny old world. 

An Admission of a Terrible Error of Judgement

Hello everyone it is I, I am here again, I know I should be posting everyday but I am doing other things and they do get in the way of messing about in cyberspace writing a combination of gibberish, diary and the answers to all those very very important Big Questions . So I am here to tell you all of a terrible mistake I made the other day, well the day before yesterday to be more precise. The reason I did not write of this terrible mistake yesterday is because I was still recovering from the stress that the terrible error inflicted upon my mind and body.

Well I can here folk are starting to wonder exactly what sort of terrible mistake Rob Z Tobor could make, because lets face it, it is not something that folk would perceive me of possibly ever doing.  Mistakes are not something I do (OK I do loads of them but never admit it. . . . . . . DAMN I should have not said that). Anyway I think it is about time to reveal all . . .  you see my terrible error was to go to IKEA during half term.  Well it just never crossed my mind as we travelled along the M54 and down the M6 towards the land of many things that folk can’t pronounce. Not even as we battled along a grid locked motorway did the penny drop (yes it’s another saying that is stupid). No it was only as we arrived and saw the massed hoards of families who had thought . . . . . . I know its half term lets take the kids to IKEA, that’s a cheap day out (cheap day out it is not, with their cunning ways of making folk spend all their money). Anyway it was hell in there like being in a Hornets nest full of Hornets that have just been poked with a pointy stick.   

We did get what we wanted and were not tempted by all those little things they line up for one or two pounds along the way so that folk find they have spent five hundred pounds in total and have a trolley full of unpronounceable stuff they don’t need. And screaming kids who have just thrown up a load of half decomposed Swedish meal balls over themselves and a cage full of cheap Panda’s at the checkout.      

 

It was serious hell I hate it when a shop is full the masses massing to attach each other, and the only light relieve was a Chinese woman who was giving a small child a good telling off in Chinese. It seems odd to me that the Chinese would shop in IKEA as most of the stuff IKEA sells comes from China. 

Of course the short version on this particular post is . . . . . . . I went to IKEA, it was Hell. . . . . .  But this is a blog not Twitter, and it does explain to some degree why I am not good at Twitter, it has no soul I mean . . . . I went to IKEA, it was Hell . . .  where is the romance in just saying that.



OOOOOooooooooo I am up to the Letter K on the A to Z and its looking very good so far. . . Mad but good.

The Traditional Rob Z Tobor End of the Year Post involving Auld Lang Syne and Foxes

I know this is what I wrote last year(and the year before that) but it is now going to be the new, New Years Eve traditional post until I forget that I have one, which may be next year or next week, who can tell......

So here we are at the end (almost) of 2014 and we all know what that means, it means folk standing out on street corners shouting and letting off fireworks hugging strangers as they pass and singing that old traditional Scottish song that no one knows the words too. But luckily most folk are a bit merry and will not be aware that instead of singing the correct words they are singing

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never mmmmm to mmmmm?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-

For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne.

We'll mmmm  o' mmmm mmmm,

For auld lang syne.

 

which sort of shows that folk don't really know the words

Then everyone will repeat this until they get bored and spot an urban fox chasing a pigeon, where upon the masses will abandon singing Auld Lang Syne staggering about in a mad linked hands sort of dance and chase the fox shouting

I’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX MY DEAR,

IN A DUSTBIN AT IKEA

I’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX I BET,

PUT BUTTER IN HIS EAR

BUTTER IN HIS EAR MY DEAR,

PUT BUTTER IN HIS EAR

WE’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX AND THEN WE’LL GET

SOME BUTTER IN HIS EAR

O yes they all know the words then

So I have left a message with the foxes (again) to avoid large crowds of people who look happy and not to spend the night raiding the Swedish meat balls in the bins of IKEA. And don’t go anywhere near people with tubs of butter

I would like to wish everyone a jolly happy new year (yes OK it is still two days away but) and if you live in the UK I believe New Years Day is due to be stormy/nice or something  (it was last year),  not sunny like this year (the year before last year).  . . . I dont know what will happen this year regarding the weather yet, and I suspect no one really cares that much 

If you do not plan to sing a fox based song and chase urban foxes then here are the words to Auld Lang Syne, the proper ones which is not as good but which is more traditional unless you live very near IKEA and are pestered by Urban Foxes. . . . . . . . . . .

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne.

We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint stowp!

And surely I'll be mine!

And we'll tak a cup o'kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

We twa hae run about the braes,

And pou'd the gowans fine;

But we've wander'd mony a weary fit,

Sin' auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn,

Frae morning sun till dine;

But seas between us braid hae roar'd

Sin' auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

And there's a hand, my trusty fere!

And gie's a hand o' thine!

And we'll tak a right gude-willie waught,

For auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

All the best for 2015. Or what ever year it is about to be at some point approx . . . . 

As for the Nice Steven Spielberg, I may be forced to take my story to another film Producer chap. . . . . . I know its terrible, but I am getting older all the time so if I wait too long I will be well past it and totally away with the fairies. 

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Mans Last Great Adventure . . .

I am starting to prepare for my trip into the unknown a trip fraught with danger and wild beasts and things of which I am yet to think of. Preparations have already been made and we will be setting up our first camp in the freezer section of the huge out of town supermarket next to the frozen Peas. This will give us some protection from the prevailing winds that blow constantly from the large automated sliding doors.  I will be undertaking this journey with Esmeralda, Freddie and his Ferrets and we have managed to acquire bearers to carry the heavy equipment needed to complete our task. Our negotiations with the local tribe called The Checkouts failed terribly, but luckily Freddie found the leader of the reclusive Trolleymen who has agreed to carry our supplies for a modest fee. It seems the Trolleymen have some sort of strange device they use to carry stuff in called a trolley, which I suspect is the reason they are called the Trolleymen.

Anyway we will shortly be starting our trip (well sometime in the next few days) to find the source of the last great river that man has yet to explore.

Yes as our support vehicles park up in the car park of the great out of town supermarket in readiness there is nothing left to do but publicly announce our attempt to find the elusive Source Of The Aisle

Things are looking good for this MAN'S Last Great Adventure we have already had two memorable quotes from Freddie and Esmeralda

Dr Livingstone’s Fresh Organic Cornish Pasties I presume

And

I am going for a little walk I may get some thyme.

Should our expedition be successful there is already talk of an attempt on the North Face of the IKEA in the future.                 

I is for Interesting Instructions of an Irregular type.

It appears that when someone leaves you a little note to remind you to do a particular task it is not a good idea to amuse yourself by modifying the instruction in case you forget that you modified it when you read it the following day. Let’s face it the very reason the note was left in the first place was because I tend to forget things.

So after waking up and waving my hair about in the shower and staggering about saying who am I, what day is it, where is my brain . . . . AH the Zombies have nicked my brain . . . . Eating some breakfast and then groaning loads in order to prove I am a Zombie. I noticed a note left for me to tell me what my task is today. So having read the task I decide I should do them in the order they have been written down. 

Instruction One: - Strim Cows

 WHAT? . . . . . . I don’t know what that is about but if I am left a note then I have always found it is best just to do what I are told, there was a time I would get distracted and go off and do other things and so the important jobs would get left.  But no longer I am a lean mean efficient fighting machine (sort of).  I am not sure if any of you have ever tried to strim a cow with a strimmer it is far from easy, in fact it is extremely hard. First off you need to get the flock (sorry herd) penned into the corner of a field and then fire up the strimmer and then charge at them in a random way to confuse them. If you are lucky you might get to strim the side of the odd cow as it stampedes past you, I will tell you right now cows do not like strimmers one bit.  Cows can shift I have always thought of cows as slow happy docile beasts with a happy go lucky attitude to life, oblivious of the fact they will be turned into dinner for the masses at some point.  Yes OK they did start making tunnels a long time ago, but that was the past, those cows have long since been char grilled and covered in sauce.

Cows it turns out (to get back to the point) can move rather quickly and it also appears that if annoyed enough say by a young enthusiastic chap with a strimmer can be a little aggressive. Well when I say little I really mean big; cows are big, very big.

So after a short time of chasing cows with a strimmer I found myself pursued by angered cows intent on revenge. This quickly led to a decision to abandon Instruction One and concentrate on Instruction two.

Instruction Two :- Pick Parsley

Well this was a piece of cake and done in a flash. It was only afterwards when I was asked Have you Strimmed the Cow Parsley at the top of the drive that I remembered I had slightly modified the note left for me . . . . . . . . Strim Cow Parsley . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN

The good news, I now have, but the bad news is I don’t think the cows like me anymore. I have told them I don’t eat cows, but that has only lead to rumours and now the farmer does not like me either.      

The Inside View of the Insect Societies

Insects as we all know are creatures of routine, trapped by nature too comply with the laws of the natural world. One of the best examples of the complex insect societies is the humble ant, but in order to understand the ant society it is best viewed close up, seriously close up. Yes we need to look into the ants nest at the passages the paths that these creatures take, the very reasoning behind why they do what they do as seen from the inside.

So as we always do at this time of year in our Natural History/Biology classes at school (the posh cyber-academy, as famous now in the world of fiction as Bert Drybolt) we went off on an exploratory field trip to visit the one place where it is possible to see what it is like to be an ant from the inside; to have to move about in a pre controlled order of passages and paths where the individual will be crushed and destroyed for disobeying the system.  The one place on Earth where the human mind can get a small glimpse into the world of the social insect and its strict protocol, where we shuffle round and round picking up small items and carrying them through the twists and turns of the ants nest with an intensity and desire only matched by an ant itself.  Forced into a set of decisions that make us leave the nest carrying these small items pondering why we are doing it.

We went to IKEA.

It was another cool sunset tonight but only for about one minute, but as it happened I just happen to be standing holding a camera at the right time, how cool is that. This is the sort of thing that makes man a man and an ant an ant, you see ants cant press the button on the camera hard enough for it to work and they strangely are not allowed into IKEA . . . . . . .HAH HAH H HAH HAH AH HAH AH HAH HA HAH HA HAH HA Hha haha hah hah ha ha ha   Ha ha ha hah hah ahh ha ha ha ……

The Return of Sunday's Past, IKEA and things that go Bleep at Christmas

Sundays here are starting to return to the way Sundays used to be a long time ago, part of this is due to the fact it is dark damp and cold at this time of year so no one likes leaping out into the day much. OK Mr Jones will, the slightest hint of an alien invasion force from a far distant planet with huge terrifying battle machines, the like of man has yet to conceive and he is out in the woods, naked and running about with his I AM YOUR FRIEND sign. But he is an exception, most folk are keeping their heads down and at present are thinking O my god its December what I am I going to get everyone for Christmas.

Actually while on that subject . . . .   O my god its December what I am I going to get everyone for Christmas.

Here is cyberspace you would think that Sundays would be much like any other day, but no it has also become very quiet in the murky world of social media on Sunday, although I can’t see why that should happen. Maybe my greatest fear has been realized; the entire world’s population has gone to IKEA or as Mr Jones likes to call it . . . . . The flimsy facade of aliens in a cunning plan to take over planet Earth.  . . . . . Yes he is convinced those little allen keys are in fact eggs that contain a small creature that will bore into your head and that will be the end of you. Well provided you pass the alien intelligent test first, the building of flat pack furniture, you see they plan to enslave all the less intelligent folk who fail the test, who will then become dinner.  . . . . it is a lose lose situation so best just to buy G plan  . . . . OOOOOOoooo hang on no Mr Jones says aliens . . .

While on the subject of Christmas and panic I don’t know if it is just me but once upon a time something new would turn up at Christmas something interesting that would keep us all interested. Like Steam Powered Goldfish, The Clockwork Invisible Man, Make your own Luminous Barrel Organ or a chemistry set that would make foaming pink stuff that could talk Swedish and ate pencils or even a humble reproduction 1950’s robot that would walk a short distance spin its head a bit then fall over. However today none of these things are available if you go hunting the vast voids of cyberspace for ideas for Christmas it seems to consist of the latest touch screen phone or the latest touch screen iPad thing or a games console. This is not what we want when it comes to the crunch what we want (well us chaps anyway) is a thing with wheels and gears and things we can unscrew and tinker with, and hissing noises and little motors. You would think with all the technology about these days someone would make a nice smallish not too expensive thing that did nothing useful, but sort of whizzed and chirped and looked like it was designed in the Victorian era. . . . . . . Hang on that sounds like me……..

Time and one of the Dark Arts

After a day yesterday when we were travelling about in an instantaneous way thanks to The Speed of Dark and the use of a Dark Anti-Light Particle Beam Engine, today we (me) have been brought back down to earth with a bump by one of the Dark Arts.  This has arisen as a result of Esmeralda’s forlorn effort to escape from the maths class the other day by sawing off two legs of her desk. So today at school I have been assigned the job of assembling a new Flat Pack School Desk with Integrated Storage from IKEA. As dark arts go the assembly of flat pack furniture is one that would scare even the cleverest of men (even Professor Brian Cox).  This is a task that has its own effect on time, because it seems to take an eternity to do, I was working away for hours and finally thought I had got the legs attached to the top and was scratching my head about the storage thinking I have been here for hours I will miss the bus home if I don’t pay attention. But the reality was it was only twenty minutes, I then battled on for what felt like a few more hours and was wondering what the bits left over were for, only to have the headmaster pop his head round the door and say. Well done rob z tobor less than an hour, very impressive but I think you have put it together wrong . . . . . . .

WHAT?

So I dismantled it and pondered all the bits again, you see there was one thing missing one very important item and that was the assembly instructions so it was all an up hill struggle. Anyway the hours passed and I finally got all the legs attached to the top correctly and started on the storage. It felt like had been there all day and half the night by then; but based on my earlier miscalculation of time I estimated it must be lunch time so thought time for a bite to eat and wandered off to the canteen. Unfortunately there was no one there so I thought I must be early and decided to check on the rest of the class but it turned out by then I had been there all day and everyone had gone home and it was Dark outside, a dark beam of darkness not shining in through the window making everything dark .. . . . . . . . .AH . . . . .DAMN.

ON the bright side because dad thinks I have been doing extra swotting at school he has given me a packet of Dark Chocolate Coated Peanuts as a treat which I am eating as I type. . . . . . .YUM

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The China Syndrome, Chemically Activated Nuclear Fusion and IKEA

This morning must have been one of the wettest morning we have had living here, it was very very wet indeed and a little trip to Shrewsbury to get a bit of wood only proved that it was also very very wet in Shrewsbury too. However right now sometime after eight o’clock in the evening the sun has come out and we have blue skies and all is hunky dory again.

The result of this is that I have not been outside much today, but I have made myself useful by tinkering with electrical things. Nothing too clever just an IKEA 12v lighting system. They are rather sneaky those IKEA folk because although good at design they never quite get it right and tend to make their electrical things a bit on the margin. So transformers are always near the max limit etc etc.  

This gives me the opportunity to improve things a bit and tweak, so that some of these things from IKEA will be brighter, faster, longer and make a bigger bang when they explode. We all like a good explosion although not just above the dining table as everyone is eating their evening meal.  Dad says this is why he prefers steam powered things with a bit chemically activated nuclear fusion, Nano technology with analogue streamed data feedback looping technology and lots of gears and oily bits.

Captain Nessman is now slowly preparing for his epic adventure in China. I decided that I would celebrate this event by piling all the china in the house into a tall slender tower; for a short time one of the wonders of the world, until Heavy Harry the Cat noticed what he thought was his food bowl. Silly cat, he should know his food bowl is made of plastic not mums best antique china from the imperial Russian Vaults used by President Vladimir Putin himself for his Coco Pops at Breakfast time. WOW that antique china is loud much louder than an exploding IKEA 12v lighting system, I did explain that it was the cat’s fault and the tower was entirely safe up to that point, but mum still said IDIOT that’s not fair. Heavy Harry the Cat is happy, he has realized his plastic food bowl is in fact still OK and is demanding more food and has set off Sooty the Cat too now…..

I think I will return to doing electrical things again…..

Oooo by the way it may sound a bit odd but we have a ghost postman posting ghost post things through the letter box …….. A bit odd but these things happen…

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The Thesis on the Nature of Urban Society and why termites will eat Granny in the IKEA car park

Although today is/was Tuesday and I should have been at school I was allowed to go to IKEA. There were two reasons for this; the first was, as I explained to the headmaster a great opportunity to observe shoppers as part of my Thesis on the Nature of Urban Society, showing how the life of Social Insects can be reflected in the design and construction of large urban developments, in this case IKEA.

  

The second reason of course is mum is very scary, so the headmaster was happy to agree bearing in mind the dog, dad and the flame thrower were in the car staring at him through the window of his office. 

The reason for the trip to IKEA was to obtain bookshelves for all our stuff including a large number of books, plus a variety of other items such as lights. IKEA have a cunning plan that involves selling little trinkets round the shop so everyone goes Ooooooooo look its only two pounds and OOoooooo I might get one of them, so by the time you arrive at the checkout with three trolley loads of stuff you hadn’t planned on buying you are forced back in to buy even more shelves.  This is the nature of consumerism and the even expanding tentacles of capitalism. Which brings me back to my thesis on the nature of urban society and the relationship with the insect societies such as Ants, Termites, Bees, etc. Just walk round IKEA and you know just how an ant feels, channelled and controlled your every purchase controlled even when you think you are in control of you own destiny.

Anyway as a result of my note taking and observations and occasional tut tuting as mum and dad loaded stuff into the trolley, we made it out of the shop with only a few extra things, unlike some. Who we left scratching their heads, deciding if they should leave the new deluxe flat pack dressing table or granny in the car park. Again we can relate this too nature, after all you never see an old ant or termite they are abandoned outside to fend for themselves left in preference for a new flat pack food store for the winter.  It is also of interest to note the perversity of nature in the urban society, that then results in the abandoned grannies ending up being eaten by termites. The dog says it is the cycle of life, and it does help to keep the car park clear of decaying grannies

Interestingly insects are much better at coping in their own urban environment because they don’t need arrows on their corridors to tell them which way to go, unlike shoppers in IKEA who even with arrows still get it wrong.  

We now have a whole load of flat pack bookcases to assemble and the dog has for some reason brought back an abandoned granny which he says he brought back for tea. Although personally I would have thought she was a bit chewy for him HA HA AH HAH HAHAHH Hah hahah hah hahahah hahhahh hahah hah ha ha ha hahah hahah HA ……….. Mum just said IDIOT that’s a bit unfair on granny, she hasn’t said anything yet.