4th July . . . . A friendly Message from Britain (again) . . . .Yes we are still friendly (mostly)

With the Forth of July tomorrow I thought it was a good day to repeat last years post about the 4th July because as it happens I will be busy tomorrow doing my good deed. . . . . . It is good to do good deeds it sort of shows folk that we are not all nasty and some of us are generally quite nice . . . . . . a bit . . . . . . sometimes.

Today is the 4^th of July a day that is celebrated in the USA as Independence Day, a day when I am told America leaps about, lets off fireworks and folk stand about being patriotic. Here in Britain folk carry on as normal unless it is Sunday in which case they all go to IKEA.

Us British have always wondered why our American friends decided they were not happy being a colony of Britain, after all the ordinary man in the street such as myself is a fairly nice sort of chap and in general find Americans a nice bunch who almost speak half decent English. In fact it would be true to say that more English understand Americans than a Glaswegian just a few miles up the road in Scotland.  The American accent being sort of a cross between Middle England and Middle Australian, probably because they live in the land between these two great countries. America is more a group of small countries known as States so is sort of a bit like Europe really only they fight less and don’t insult their adjoining states like we do in Europe, (We have all gone off Greece a bit more since last year). 

However the good folk of the USA do have one or two odd anomalies that we notice from time to time when they come to visit the old homeland. They do seem to spell some words a bit oddly, however I do that all the time so I understand how that can happen. And they do seem to like the Queen and all the Royals, a bit odd when they were so keen to get rid of them in the first place. Ironically there are many folk in Britain who would love to get rid of the Royals and would happily sell a few to the USA.  I have also heard them imply that their Zombies and Monsters are better than our Zombies and Monsters, well that is just plain silly everyone knows European Monsters are superior to all by a long way.  And we all know that a nice cup of tea and crab paste sandwiches in an old Lyons Café can not be compared with MacDonald’s, it is a foolish thing to even attempt. When was the last time you saw the corner of your Big Mac curling up in the sun and getting crusty while a gang of little old ladies pondered the iced buns.

Anyway I hope you lot over in the USA have enjoyed your day, and if you ever feel you would like to rejoin us (it is never to late) we are happy to share a nice tea party (not that one but the one where you drink tea in the garden) with you………… . . . .

What happened to that Tea Party of yours did they vanish off into the wild forests of Canada looking for the Big Foot. . . 

Scottish Independence YES or NO a final comment

Tomorrow is vote day, the big day in Scotland when both sides will be doing their bit and hoping for the best. One important thing to remember though is that all Scotsmen like a bit of a party. If Scotland votes YES there will be a huge party with folk leaping about knowing that over the next couple of years it will be all change and into the great unknown. If Scotland votes NO there will be a party, but not as good because everything will stay the same. Folk don’t generally have parties when stuff stays the same. Its like children having a party because they are not leaving home, these seldom happen because it’s hard to party when your parents are crying in the dining room.

While pondering things, two interesting thoughts came to mind. . . .Let’s face it someone normally nicks my thought and says it’s theirs, the first I have mentioned in FB as a passing comment but I thought well that’s interesting what will happen with that. You see I thought as we plan to adopt the Queen and let England have Prince (King) Charles then we could keep the pound as it’s the Queens face on it. Then I thought HANG ON what about stamps whose stamps will we use, because that lot at Royal Mail use any excuse to put up the price of stamps. I bet they try and charge extra for delivery to Europe. However I have a solution Scotland can sell its own stamps cheaper than the English ones and sell them over the internet to the English so they can send letters and parcels cheaper using the Scottish stamps . . . .  Yet another problem solved and a good revenue generator.

This brings me to my second point; you see Scotland has the highest number of Inventors, Discoverers and Explorers per head of population of any country in the world by a huge margin.  So although Independence will see many problems to solve, we are in fact the ideal nation to solve them all. In fact you could argue that we are so good at inventing and discovering things that it would be folly not to vote YES just so we can Invent and Discover even more things.  Even I, down in Shropshire often discover things in muddy holes which I prod with pointy sticks, you don’t see the English doing this . . . . . OK that’s not entire true I can think of at least one English man who prods at stuff with a point stick but they are few and far between.

So remember tomorrow you can either vote YES for an exciting and unknown world of Inventors and discoveries with a Queen and slightly cheaper stamps. Or you can vote NO and keep things the same with David Cameron and Prince Charles, a world of slightly more expensive stamps and the kids never leave home.

You know what to do. . . . .

The Queen, Scottish Devolution, Scotland, England and Royal Babies

It appears that here in Britain we are going to get another royal, only as yet we don't know exactly when and what sex it will be, and what they will be called, and which bit of Britain they will be given so they can say they are the Duke/Duchess of Hull or the like. I suspect it will not be a bit of Scotland though.  Which is a small point I have not heard a single person mention yet in respect to Scottish Devolution. Will the Queen (no the Queen is not called Will) still be the Queen of Scotland if they take the leap of faith and leap. I rather hope they do as a Scot, but us Scots have a habit of leaping into big muddy holes where folk jab at us with pointy sticks.

The Queen rather likes Scotland and she may even decide to abdicate from England and Wales and become Mary Queen of Scots, sorry I mean Elizabeth Queen of Scots. She is also rumoured to be a bit religiously inclined towards Catholicism and this would allow her to convert.

England would then have King Charles (Oooo go on vote yes Scotland) and as a Protestant and a bit outspoken he would probably attack his mum lock her in the tower and then have her sort of executed much like the original Mary Queen of Scots was by Elizabeth the First. . . . The world is full of such ironic twists. Scotland of course would shout and wave pointy sticks and head south raiding the north of England and steal all their fish and chips and Newcastle Brown and have a grand party. But get defeated the following day by the English before the Scots get a chance to recover their wits.

The whole affair finally getting sorted by the Director of Planning at the Cumbrian County Council a Mr Hadrian who builds a big wall.     

I have cleaned a lot of windows today but only on the one side, the Scottish side . . . that’s the outside because that’s the wettest side . . . HAH HAH AH Ah ah ha hah ah ha hah ah ha ha ha ha hah ah ha ha ha hah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hhah ah ah haha hah ha.

And the English on the inside have nicked all the cosy chairs,  but luckily the oil tank is on the outside so AH HAH AH AH hah ah ah ha ha hah ha hah ah ha hah aha h aha ha YA SUCKS BO.

AH DAMN mum says I'm an IDIOT.  

4th July . . . . A friendly Message from Britain

OK I am not good at drawing flags 

Today is the 4^th of July a day that is celebrated in the USA as Independence Day, a day when I am told America leaps about, lets off fireworks and folk stand about being patriotic. Here in Britain folk carry on as normal unless it is Sunday in which case they all go to IKEA.

Us British have always wondered why our American friends decided they were not happy being a colony of Britain, after all the ordinary man in the street such as myself is a fairly nice sort of chap and in general find Americas a nice bunch who almost speak half decent English. In fact it would be true to say that more English understand Americans than a Glaswegian just a few miles up the road in Scotland.  The American accent being sort of a cross between Middle England and Middle Australian, probably because they live in the land between these two great countries. American is more a group of small countries known as States so is sort of a bit like Europe really only they fight less and don’t insult their adjoining states like we do in Europe.  

Of course the good folk of the USA do have one or two odd anomalies that we notice from time to time when they come to visit the old homeland. They do seem to spell some words a bit oddly, however I do that all the time so I understand how that can happen. And they do seem to like the Queen and all the Royals, a bit odd when they were so keen to get rid of them in the first place. Ironically there are many folk in Britain who would love to get rid of the Royals and would happily sell a few to the USA.  I have also heard them imply that their Zombies and Monsters are better than our Zombies and Monsters, well that is just plain silly everyone knows European Monsters are superior to all by a long way.  And we all know that a nice cup of tea and crab paste sandwiches in an old Lyons Café can not be compared with MacDonald’s, it is a foolish thing to even attempt. When was the last time you saw the corner of your Big Mac curling up in the sun and getting crusty while a gang of little old ladies pondered the iced buns.

Anyway I hope you lot over in the USA have enjoyed your day, and if you ever feel you would like to rejoin us we are happy to share a nice tea party (not that one but the one where you drink tea in the garden) with you………… . . . .

Ooooooo It rained today and I cut a hedge and ate food.

The Queen and Elvis and Aliens from Venus

Today has been the local village /hamlet Queens Jubilee party and it all appeared to go well, we have been involved in its organisation to some degree as I had agreed to create a name the royal competition and mum had agreed to judge the make a crown competition. I thought I might win the crown competition what with mum judging and the fact that I had bribed her with some pocket money (about five thousand pounds). Plus I had made a crown based on a Russian Imperial crown (what with mum being a secret Russian spy) and I am if I say so myself rather good at making things like this. But no, nothing not even a third place in the crowns based on the monarchs of other nations of which there were three entries. It appears mum was being fair and unbiased and therefore could not award me a prize but thanked me for the five thousand pounds……. NOT FAIR. 

The name the royal competition was a great success several people said they thought it was very good but did wonder why Elvis was included. Some people even asked me if Elvis was related to the Queen, and I had to point out that Elvis was the King. Luckily most people already knew that Elvis was the King, although someone asked when Elvis was King and had never seen his picture on any coins, and one person thought Elvis was Prince Edward?. I’m glad that I did not include BB King, king Crimson or King Kong or things might have got very confusing indeed, and imagine the embarrassment of confusing King Kong and Camilla; anyway only one person got all twenty five right and won a giant chocolate bar.

I’m sure it is tonight the shadow of Venus crosses the moon and can be seen from earth, or would be seen from earth was it not for the fact that in Britain we are now back with the classic and traditional grey summer sky. According to the dog it is tonight that the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus should all start eating humans, as this shadow is a sign. But of course with all the best plans of aliens some small detail scuppers the plan and the British weather has saved the day as they will not see this (nor will we sadly). And it will be nearly another two hundred years or so until it happens again so I think the Aliens from Venus will be thinking………….AH, and the great Alien mother of Venus will say IDIOT

.

The queen and the pound shop flag, and a stove pipe hat

Sunday and here in the rolling hills of Shropshire right on the Welsh border it was to say the least rather a quiet and lazy Sunday, very wet and very grey, just like the old days. I got to watch a television set today and a bit of the queen floating down the Thames (she was in a barge)…. There were two things that did not appear to get mentioned by the massed members of the BBC as they gave us a blow by blow account of all the boats and ships. The first was the queen looked damn cold to me and although I’m sure enjoyed the trip, she did not always look entirely happy. It was cold and wet and no one likes being stared at by half a million people.

 The other thing I noticed was the mayor of London Mr Boris Johnson, who was on one of the thousand or so boats, was waving a Union Jack with a picture of the Queen on it. I can hear you all saying SO WHAT, but I recognised that flag it was not just any flag it was a flag from the pound shop at Harry Tuffins. A lot of you will be thinking Harry who? but the point is  it was the flag they sell in pound shops, what on earth was the mayor of London on a posh boat doing with a cheap pound shop flag. I’m sure he must have some vintage flag as used by Queen Victoria to celebrate the launch of Britain’s first steam powered space rocket from Greenwich, successfully putting a corgi into orbit for several hours before its tragic failure on re-entry and the subsequent discovery of the world’s first hotdog. Which in turn led to the corruption of British eating habits and the decline of the empire?   

Today I was able to finish crowns, I have had to make myself one so I have based mine of one on the old imperial Russian royal family crowns , what with mum being a Russian spy, although that is still a secret…….AH ………sorry mum, mum says IDIOT

I was planning to give the Cultural Olympian a stove hat as part of his own Victorian image but I have realized that it will make him nearly three and half feet tall or  maybe four feet(and that's without the plinth) and he will not fit in the car……… DAMN so I either make a smaller hat or a removable hat. It reminded me of Close Encounters of the Third Kind when the hero chappie makes that huge mountain in the living room and everyone runs away.

Sorry I am late tonight, it is all that being lazy. While on the subject of everyone running away Sooty the Cat has just run into the house like a big ball of fluff with all his hair standing on end, so I am not sure what has spooked him, maybe ZOMBIES ……Well Cool.

I hope this makes sense it is a bit rushed.

.

The Queen and the crown and Olympic torches

Ah yes…. It has happened, Britain has retuned to normal, it is grey and wet so all I can say is “Typical it is always raining in Britain, what we need is some hot weather for this jubilee thing” ……HAH HAHAH Hah hahh hah ah hahhah ah h hah hahhah ahahah ha. I have been on the roof again today and we are still having Aerial problems. There is only so much time you can spend on a roof being shot at by a dog with a machine gun. Sadly for me today’s re-enactment was King Kong yet again but at least it was nice and cosy in the gorilla suit.  The cows have vanished off today, it is weird they were there last night in the field so I am not sure what has happened to them.

Mr Jones was shouting up at me on the roof that the aliens have been communicating with the cows and have decided that the cows are in fact rather friendly and so according to Mr Jones the aliens and the cows are on an intergalactic search for a cow friendly planet. Devoid of dogs wielding AK47 machine guns, the so called legendary Planet of milk and honey. The dog has just said that he has never Herd of it and is now rolling about in hysterics and has suggested that the cows are looking for the wrong planet and should be looking for the udder one.  I think what he is saying is that they have gone the wrong whey…….. HA HAHAH H AHHAH hah ahh ahah hah haha haha ha haha hah

I have pointed out to the dog that this diary is read in several non English language speaking countries and these sorts of bad jokes will be lost in translation, a bit like the cows and the aliens really.

OK back to the more practical elements of the day, I have been making a crown as in a royal crown out of cardboard apparently the Queen is worried that the real crown is a bit heavy (it is very heavy as it happens). So I have been ordered, sorry asked to reproduce one in cardboard so it is light and can be worn all week without the queen’s head falling off. The heads falling off queens is an age old problem, history is littered with them. So I have rattled something out quick which should be finished tomorrow, all ready for some big event Tuesday. I have warned her if it rains, what ever you do don’t go walkabout among the masses. I think I have convinced her talking to the masses is a bad move, she did ask if I knew what had happened to ones cows, but I’ve said I am not making cardboard cows even for a queen.

On the subject of cardboard I have started an Olympic torch for the Olympic sculpture; I have noticed they are turning up on ebay now (Olympic torches), as dad says in the old days they would be proud family heirlooms, handed down for generations then sold on ebay. Now people cut out the long protracted middle bit and go straight to ebay….. Such is the world of modern man……. No cows, dogs with machine guns and the desire for the instant.  

.

The Olympic Sculpture, the Cultural Olympian, the queen and the goat

We have one more day to go at school and then it is half term, it should be this week but due to the queen calibrating, no hang on that’s wrong celebrating her 60 years as the queen everything has been moved. It is a little known fact in the rest of the world that the queen can move time like that in Britain, even the Ghost Writer will get two bank holidays instead of one. The dog is hoping to hear the queen on the wireless making a speech at some point, after a few gin and tonics saying words to the effect “One is ones best loyal slaves sorry servants, minions in all the world one is” ; while the massed crowds mass and cheer and wave flags. Dad feels spending the day waving a flag sounds like hard work so is making a Steam Powered Flag Waving Machine.           

Normal weather has resumed as normal, so we are back in class as normal doing normal things like normal school children. Esmeralda has celebrated by catapulting the school goat into the out of town supermarket  where it promptly started to eat union jack bunting, well she was not to know they have moved the fresh vegetables to a new location in order to expand the expanse of royal memorabilia.  However every cloud has a silver line in, (That is actually entirely not true, although some might who can tell)…….

Sorry distracted Esmeralda, as a result of the goats eating habits is now selling Jubilee Union Jack Goat Poo Compost at five pound a sack. If it goes well she plans to feed the goat, Olympic bunting once the queen stops partying and heads back to buck house for a rest, and the masses return to the grinding wheels of oppression. Have you noticed how I am sounding belligerent and rebellious tonight? It is because I have had to find pictures of royals on the internet in my wondrous world of cyberspace for the ‘Name that royal competition’ in the local village hall. And although I have no real problems with such a task I have come to realize that the royals have more pictures in cyberspace of themselves that I do, surely that can not be right……….one is not amused.

On a more positive point of interest in my what is fast becoming the most boring diary in the world, the Olympic Sculpture ‘The Cultural Olympian’  has finally got his legs back on and is fixed to a base (made of cardboard) so is structurally much  stronger. And I found stone effect spray paint so that is WELL COOL so now he can look stoned…… mum has said IDIOT but I am assured by the dog that Olympians can be partial to the odd drug…….   

     

.

African rain rhythms and sacrificing Corgi’s on the sacrificial alter of Westminster abbey

Today started like it was going to be a bit cooler we are cheered and waved flags. Now you might be thinking waved flags, who has flags to hand just to wave because it is not very very very hot. Well remember in just a few days time Britain will be involved in one huge overindulgent street party where we will all eat soggy sandwiches and damp hog roast because of the torrential rain. So all the international readers I can now hear thinking WHAT RAIN?  Have you not complained about the heat for at least a week, yes I (We) have, but plan an important outdoor event and it will rain. And then the international readers will be confused because we will all complain it is raining and why couldn’t it be nice for once when we plan a street party. This you see it classic British grumbling at its best, and why we hate and love the weather.

This is what Heavy Harry & Sooty the Cat do when it is very HOT

Anyway after a short time of cheering and waving flags it became very very hot again and everyone wilted and grumbled because it is very very hot and it will rain at the weekend and ruin our street parties and it is all the queens fault. She should be sacrificing Corgi’s on the sacrificial alter in Westminster abbey or where ever it may be. I’m sure that’s what the Vikings did and it never rained on their hog roast.

The Ghost Writer made the mistake of going to the grey office with the windows that have been bolted shut by the health and safety man who is convinced that everyone wishes to leap out of the window. As the Ghost Writer says until they bolted the windows shut everyone was happy but now it is so hot in the office that everyone wants to leap out of the window. This apparently is a classic ‘Catch 22’ situation where if you allow the windows to be opened it is cool and the workers are happy, but they could jump out of the window. However bolted closed the office boils and everyone wants to jump out the window but they can’t. If they could then all twenty two of them would jump and the fire brigade would have to catch them, thus the saying Catch 22.

I have spent the evening on the back patio watching mayflies and playing African rain rhythms with my drumming colleague so that we can complain it is raining rather than complain it is hot,

Finally I would just like to wish my blogging friend Mr Bumferry Hogart. in his effort to beat the world record for wearing paper hats in lots of different places all at the same time. I think he has to explain all, on welsh television which is tricky because Mr H doesn’t understand it either.

Not sure I have time for any cultural Olympian tonight…….. I hate the Olympics now and they haven’t started yet, and its going to rain.

.

The Queen the wasps and the curtains

The school master has left a suggestion box in the main hall for ideas on how the school should celebrate the arrival of the Olympics and the Queens sixty years as Queen. As you know I am already committed to making the Cultural Olympian, although he will not be allowed near the school, not because he is banned but I am not foolish enough to let a bedlam of school children near it? What is the plural for a school full of school children? I’m sure it must be a bedlam.

Anyway the first suggestion that I have put in the box is to have a run with all the participants dressed as queens. Apparently according to Esmeralda that could go terribly wrong and thinks the headmaster will reject that straight away.

 

Ah the wrong Queen Elizabeth............DAM 

I have also suggested we could make a giant wicker queen and set fire to it with Olympic torches, but Freddie thinks that sounds a bit satanic, I did say it’s the queen and the queen is not Satanic …….. AH apparently someone says they think she might be because she never goes to the toilet……… I didn’t know that.

Maybe we could have five huge ring cakes and have scantily clad queens leap out of them………AH OK I am told that we would have our heads chopped off or alternatively Esmeralda says it might end up like the run with the wrong type of queens?. This is trickier than it might appear because the risk is that we end up with a street party eating burgers and hog roast and lemonade, waving flags like they did in 1284 and 1572 and 1784 and 1832 and 1912 and 1963 and 1981 and 2000 and 2005, (sorry I had to guess those dates because sometimes the research is just not worth it).

For reasons that I do not understand it appears that several wasps are interested in the curtains by the sliding doors that go from the dinning room to the little decked area outside the dinning room. These are not posh curtains (or wasps or doors for that matter), we inherited them from the little old lady who used to live here (not the wasps….I think?). In fact no one would mind if the wasps wanted them and ran off with them. The dog has just said “interesting, the wasps are drawn to the curtains” and has fallen about on the floor in hysterics, I have thought about telling the dog to pull himself together but I think it would just make matters worse, as it is I have made it worse by saying “It seams sow” and the dog has added maybe they are blind or possibly venetian. I just tried to tell him to stop by he says he needs to take the window of opportunity when its open  and thinks all the wasps have a glazed look in their eyes.

Enough of that I have to go out shortly to a meeting about the queen that I thought was on a different day so ***********. This therefore is it I‘m off now.