Thursday, 31 May 2012

The Olympic Sculpture, the Cultural Olympian, the queen and the goat

We have one more day to go at school and then it is half term, it should be this week but due to the queen calibrating, no hang on that’s wrong celebrating her 60 years as the queen everything has been moved. It is a little known fact in the rest of the world that the queen can move time like that in Britain, even the Ghost Writer will get two bank holidays instead of one. The dog is hoping to hear the queen on the wireless making a speech at some point, after a few gin and tonics saying words to the effect “One is ones best loyal slaves sorry servants, minions in all the world one is” ; while the massed crowds mass and cheer and wave flags. Dad feels spending the day waving a flag sounds like hard work so is making a Steam Powered Flag Waving Machine.           

Normal weather has resumed as normal, so we are back in class as normal doing normal things like normal school children. Esmeralda has celebrated by catapulting the school goat into the out of town supermarket  where it promptly started to eat union jack bunting, well she was not to know they have moved the fresh vegetables to a new location in order to expand the expanse of royal memorabilia.  However every cloud has a silver line in, (That is actually entirely not true, although some might who can tell)…….

Sorry distracted Esmeralda, as a result of the goats eating habits is now selling Jubilee Union Jack Goat Poo Compost at five pound a sack. If it goes well she plans to feed the goat, Olympic bunting once the queen stops partying and heads back to buck house for a rest, and the masses return to the grinding wheels of oppression. Have you noticed how I am sounding belligerent and rebellious tonight? It is because I have had to find pictures of royals on the internet in my wondrous world of cyberspace for the ‘Name that royal competition’ in the local village hall. And although I have no real problems with such a task I have come to realize that the royals have more pictures in cyberspace of themselves that I do, surely that can not be right……….one is not amused.

On a more positive point of interest in my what is fast becoming the most boring diary in the world, the Olympic Sculpture ‘The Cultural Olympian’  has finally got his legs back on and is fixed to a base (made of cardboard) so is structurally much  stronger. And I found stone effect spray paint so that is WELL COOL so now he can look stoned…… mum has said IDIOT but I am assured by the dog that Olympians can be partial to the odd drug…….   


Wednesday, 30 May 2012

The Olympic Torch and other stuff

The Olympic torch went through Welshpool today on its journey round the country, so the school all went down to see it, well all the schools did. I thought it is worth seeing in the flesh as I have to make a cardboard one for the Olympic sculpture with poetry flickering out of the top. It was all rather noisy and seemed like a rather large entourage but then there is the backup flame and then there is a back up to the backup and of course the media and the Olympic flames minders. Napoleon Beelzebub is a bit miffed as it happens because he says if they are going to mess with fire then they should ask him. He is of course quite right and there is not much Mr Beelzebub does not know about fire.

Not long after it passed through town if rained for a while so maybe he was just sort of warning then that one false move and he will bring rain to the Olympics for a couple of weeks, rather than fire and brimstone. So the mention of rain makes it clear that here at least is was a little bit cooler today (phew), although only a little bit. I have not been back on the roof again yet because I have had other things to do although the dog says it is because I am a snivelling coward, as I have pointed out if is easy for him to say that (obviously not very easy for other dogs) but he has got four legs and huge claws and climbing equipment.

The farm next door has now cut all the grass for silage, and as far as I can tell bearing in mind I know nothing about farms it is probably a bumper crop because of the weather, OK I am rambling a bit it is because I am doing stuff and time is limited. Apparently even with the ability to travel in time you do not gain more time so going backwards and forwards may seem like a way of gaining some time but mathematically that is incorrect. I will not expand on this right now because it involves constants and I get enough complaints about going on constantly.

I must go and consider Olympic torches now and how to make poetically correct fire HAH HAH HAH AH HAH HAH HAH HAHH hahah ahahahahahhahaha hahahah.

Ooooo Politics I have not said a lot lately but I am taking notes and have a list of politicians all lined up for a future of Hell and damnation sometime just after they have all been drenched in rain…………. So you are being watched, eternity is a long time in hell……


Tuesday, 29 May 2012

The Basket, The cavern and the Olympic Sculpture again

Just very quickly in passing it was hot again but we did have rain, yes I counted at least eight spots of rain and it must have lasted all of thirty seconds. Also very quickly in passing I was standing on the roof today and I have realized somehow I have lost my head for heights, not sure how that happens but it appears I have. I think I need to get up there again and acclimatize to the situation, after all for reasons that are far to long to explain I have done more basket transfers than Captain Flint the Parrot has had Brazil nuts.

At school we have been doing geology in the newly dug caverns under the school. The science teachers have assured the headmaster that digging huge caverns under the school does not require planning permission and they are very cool and spacious. Most of the pupils have been helping and the headmaster even gave permission to go to the chip shop at lunch time as long as we discreetly dispersed soil down our trouser legs on the high street. Luckily the local press have blamed all the soil on the hot weather bringing excessive sand from the Sahara desert.

However the girls were excused from disposing of soil on the grounds that their school uniform does not lend itself to discreetly disposing of soil and they also tend to scream at worms a bit.

Myself and Freddie decided that what these caverns needed is a large colony of bats so we spent the day at school hunting as many bats as possible, we found several species some of them quite large including, the Cricket Bat, the Rounder’s Bat, the Tennis Bat and the Baseball bat……… HA HAHAHHAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAHAHH HAHhahah hahah ahahahhahahah.

OK I am off to carry on with the Olympic Sculpture again (The Cultural Olympian) it appears I have a few more days than I thought I had, and I have a cunning plan in order to get it finished in time.


Monday, 28 May 2012

African rain rhythms and sacrificing Corgi’s on the sacrificial alter of Westminster abbey

Today started like it was going to be a bit cooler we are cheered and waved flags. Now you might be thinking waved flags, who has flags to hand just to wave because it is not very very very hot. Well remember in just a few days time Britain will be involved in one huge overindulgent street party where we will all eat soggy sandwiches and damp hog roast because of the torrential rain. So all the international readers I can now hear thinking WHAT RAIN?  Have you not complained about the heat for at least a week, yes I (We) have, but plan an important outdoor event and it will rain. And then the international readers will be confused because we will all complain it is raining and why couldn’t it be nice for once when we plan a street party. This you see it classic British grumbling at its best, and why we hate and love the weather.

This is what Heavy Harry & Sooty the Cat do when it is very HOT

Anyway after a short time of cheering and waving flags it became very very hot again and everyone wilted and grumbled because it is very very hot and it will rain at the weekend and ruin our street parties and it is all the queens fault. She should be sacrificing Corgi’s on the sacrificial alter in Westminster abbey or where ever it may be. I’m sure that’s what the Vikings did and it never rained on their hog roast.

The Ghost Writer made the mistake of going to the grey office with the windows that have been bolted shut by the health and safety man who is convinced that everyone wishes to leap out of the window. As the Ghost Writer says until they bolted the windows shut everyone was happy but now it is so hot in the office that everyone wants to leap out of the window. This apparently is a classic ‘Catch 22’ situation where if you allow the windows to be opened it is cool and the workers are happy, but they could jump out of the window. However bolted closed the office boils and everyone wants to jump out the window but they can’t. If they could then all twenty two of them would jump and the fire brigade would have to catch them, thus the saying Catch 22.

I have spent the evening on the back patio watching mayflies and playing African rain rhythms with my drumming colleague so that we can complain it is raining rather than complain it is hot,

Finally I would just like to wish my blogging friend Mr Bumferry Hogart. in his effort to beat the world record for wearing paper hats in lots of different places all at the same time. I think he has to explain all, on welsh television which is tricky because Mr H doesn’t understand it either.

Not sure I have time for any cultural Olympian tonight…….. I hate the Olympics now and they haven’t started yet, and its going to rain.


Sunday, 27 May 2012

Engelbert Humperdinck and a heat haze of nothing.

Normally at this point in the day having not given it a single thought I can sit down and ad-lib an exciting and interesting story (OK maybe not) out of thin air, not that I am aware that the air is thin here, just normal regular air like the rest of the UK. But tonight I have sat down and well nothing, not a thought just a heat haze of nothing, the result of several days of having my brain fried by the sun. Yes it might be true that the solar panels on the roof have produced enough energy to heat the house for two years in the last couple of days, but that is not exactly what we wish to do right now. So here I am frazzled with a hot brain and unable to function normally.

Taken about fifteen minutes ago at the back of the house
YES it has finally gone PHEW

Taken at the front of the house this morning still pretending we are in the tropics

The only heartening thing was some cloud drifting over the sun about an hour ago so maybe it’s a sign, I am due to drum with my colleague tomorrow night all being well and top of the list is the rain rhythm. What is more worrying is the Cultural Olympian has also hit a mental block, well not at a personal level, I think he prefers hot to rain, he has not got fond memories of rain, or anything else as it happens but deep within the DNA of cardboard is a built in desire to avoid rain.

I did built a small obelisk for sweet peas to grow up, out of hazel pruned freshly out of the hedge, otherwise I spent most of the day complaining it was hot (just for a change). Several hot days, then Eurovision and then more heat is more than a normal mind can cope with.  And if I see Engelbert Humperdinck standing on Buckingham palace playing air guitar next weekend then I am sorry but I will have to set the dog on him……… ……… AH the dog likes Engelbert Humperdinck, although mum has added IDIOT, she is referring to the dog not Engelbert Humperdinck.

OK I must try and do something constructive even if its only complain about the weather……. Have I told you all how hot it is…PHEW it is HOT.


Saturday, 26 May 2012

The yin and Yang of the Eurovision Song Contest and guess what it is hot again

Guess what, I know its hard to believe but it is too damn hot again, I have written a letter to my old mate Captain Nessman of the High Seas to see if he can persuade that Mr Al Gore chap to do something about it. Apparently Mr Gore has made some strange effigies to the sun god Marduk, that look a bit like half a tennis racket? The result of which it is rather hot, OK very hot, OK very ********* hot in the UK, which is just not right. According to dad it is all part of a plot by international bankers to take peoples minds off recession and world unrest. Dad says just as we acclimatize the weather will nose dive and the day of the great jubilee calibrations will see a sudden unexpected return of sleet and snow which will last until the closing ceremony of the Olympics.

We have decided to pretend we on holiday in the Med and are now eating on the decking outside the dinning room at the front of the house.

And talking of the Olympics I am having a few techy problems with the Cultural Olympian, so all is not well. I hope to resolve these soon. Maybe he is just slightly bigger than is structurally safe for a cardboard man. Unfortunately it is proving extremely difficult to find information on the structural design of cardboard athletes. And looking through the masses of data on the internet for expert advice on the construction of cardboard robots, I was finally directed to me ‘The Monty Cardboard Robot Club’ ……………. O yes HA HA very funny it appears I am the expert to which I need to refer myself too.  

Anyway it is the great European Song Contest tonight, what is now the world greatest and at the same time worst media event for music ever in the world. It has taken hundreds of years to perfect, the perfect balance of yin and yang that this song contest represents which is totally brilliant in its awfulness, if only those who run the Olympics could learn from this, the Olympics would truly be what they are meant to represent…….It is the taking part not the winning”  and there would be no need to drug oneself up to the eyeballs because no one would care if you got NIL POI. (sorry if you are in the USA you are probably thiking WHAT?)

Britain has even written a special song about the Yin and Yang of the European Song Contest in calibration of its greatness. 

Oh by the way it was a COOL PARTY (but VERY HOT) and I forgot to take my camera so mum has said IDIOT 

Friday, 25 May 2012

The Hot Weather in Britain and other things

Yes to be a complete bore and at the risk of repeating myself, but guess what it is hot, damn hot, hotter than yesterday but maybe not quite as hot as the day before but very very very hot. What is going on? How am I meant to think of interesting things to write about when it is so hot, all I do is complain it’s hot. It’s at times like this when you wish it would get cold and wet so that I could complain about it being cold and wet, (that’s us British for you).

We have had to resort to watering the veggie patch in the evening to stop it turning into a desert or is it dessert I always mix them up which can be very awkward in a posh restaurant when you are presented with a bowl of sand with some sort of raspberry sauce drizzled round the side of the plate. Why do they do that, it is impossible to eat (not the sand) without licking the plate and posh restaurants frown on that sort of thing.

School was abandoned today, the freezer finally died and all the water has dried up in the swimming pool. Freddie thinks someone has stolen the water to put in glass bottles and sell as posh mineral water. I did point out that it has had five hundred school children in it all day for the last three days, and so might taste a bit dodgy. But according to Freddie that is probably why they stole it, to flog off as posh mineral water. I am not sure how they will explain away the bits of Casio Scientific calculator floating about in the bottles?

One thing I did see this morning when we were all out looking at the veggie patch was some strange looking fly come moth insects with long antenna that we hovering about by the beach hedge, and we also seem to have a lot of Maybugs here, WELL COOL.

Yes OK I am not that David Atom-bough bloke 

We are off for a meal tonight at Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball CafĂ©, we have not been there for ages so that is WELL COOL also, plus we are off to a surprise party tomorrow… Not so much a surprise for me or the others going otherwise we would not know about it and no one would go resulting in no party. But it is a surprise for someone, only who it’s a surprise for is a surprise, because I don’t think the invitation was really for me, so its surprises all round I think.

As with most days I need to run off and try and think Cultural Olympian, but it is very very very hot and it is difficult to focus the mind on it. Did I mention it was hot I think I did?


Thursday, 24 May 2012

Yet another hot day on the Starship Enterprise

Remember I said it was hot yesterday, and yesterday I said it was hot the day before, well today it was hot, that’s three hot days in a row in Britain, which can only mean one thing………… Global warming so AaaaaauuuuuuugggggHHHHHHH take to the hills it is the end of the world, hang on I live in the hills sort of so AAAAAAauuuuuuuuuuggggghhhHHHHH take to the shopping centre. No maybe not we are in recession, that very nice (HA HAH HAH HAH HAHAHAH HAH ) Mr Cameron and his assistant Mr Clegg have said something like mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, what was it AH yes …….”DONT PANIC……The Greeks did it”.

It’s OK for them they have a nuckie bunker to hide in, well Mr Cameron does, I think Mr Clegg has been told he has to stay outside and organise the troops against rioters. But he does get to be in charge.

What am I talking about? Ah yes the sun (not the newspaper), we spent the day in the swimming pool again today at school with the caretaker doing his best to keep it topped up with ice cubes. But at one point the caretaker Mr Scotty was shouting at the Headmaster and they had the following conversation  

Caretaker “The Freezers can’t take it much longer Captain, sorry headmaster” ……..” And the Light in the speed freezer has failed”

Headmaster  “Light? Speed? Failed?”

Caretaker “ Yes Captain sorry headmaster and the ice cube trays have warped, Mrs Factor from the Kitchen has found three more , But I don’t know how long they will last”

Headmaster “Warp? Factor? Three?”

Caretaker “ Yes Captain sorry headmaster those freezers are old I don’t know how they cling on, two or three more days like this and its certain death for them Captain, sorry headmaster”

Headmaster “ Klingon? Death? ….. Do your best Scotty I know we can rely on you. Oooooo what happened to that new non-descript assistant we got you”

Caretaker “He hit his head climbing up a bean Captain, sorry headmaster”

At which point Freddie turned to his mate Jim and said “ It’s life Jim but not as we know it …………HAH AHHAH hah hah ah haah hahha haha haha haha hah hahah aha ha”

OK I have a head to continue with so must go.


Wednesday, 23 May 2012

The Heatwave and the swimming pool

Well yesterday I said it was hot and it was, but today is very hot in fact I think it is safe to say it has been very *********** hot. As I write this it is fifteen minutes past five in the afternoon and I have just been to look at the outside thermometer (kept in the shade and is trusted to be accurate) it says at present it is 31C or 86F (in old money). Now I know in some parts of the world that is quite normal but not here in the Shropshire hills in May, after all only a week ago we had frost in the evening.  What makes us British grumble is the fact one day it can be near to zero and raining then it will be bright sun and hot and humid the next. It is why we talk about the weather all the time (see look what I have just done)

In order to help we were doing maths and science in the swimming pool at school with the caretaker ordered to make as much ice as possible and keep putting it in the deep end. It is not easy to do maths in the deep end of the swimming pool and anyway the headmaster had moved his office into that end of the pool. It is one advantage of using traditional old fashioned solid wooden desks, they float and will not fall apart after a few hours of being submerged in chlorinated water with passing ice cubes.  On the subject of passing ice cubes I did warm Freddie that carving Titanic into the top of his desk was tempting fate and sure enough he ended up having to share my desk all afternoon.  But it did give the history teacher something to talk about while he trod water near the springboard.

We ended up having to do all our maths the old fashioned way (long hand) because we have discovered that Casio Economy Scientific Calculators do not really like swimming pools much, nor do iphones, I knew they were rubbish. The Steam Powered Electro-Magnetic Speech Communicating Device that dad made me was fine, all that water kept in cool; and in the water it weighed less that its normal eight pounds three ounces. This, the science teacher said was due to the water displacement and the differences in specific density between the distilled water in the Steam Powered Electro-Magnetic Speech Communicating Device and the chlorinated water in the swimming pool.

Luckily by the time we all got home after school everyone’s uniform had dried out so we did not drip on the carpet which I know some parents might have got a bit upset about. But when I complained about the heat at home the dog turned the hosepipe on me. That sounds like it would be nice and cool but water that has spent all day heating up in a black hosepipe can be rather hot, still hot water does take your mind of hot air………

Taking of hot air I must go I have a head to make, I am not going to tell you whose head because you really should know by now.  


Tuesday, 22 May 2012

The Headless Cultural Olympian and the first photographs

It has been one of the hottest days of the year so far if not the hottest. One of the interesting things about having solar panels on your roof generating electricity is that they give a unbiased reading of just now much sun has been shining on the roof during the day. Today we have generated 27 kilowatts so far with another hour and a half or so of evening sun to go, although that is not much in power terms due to the position of the sun in relation to the solar panels. But 27 kilowatts is fairly good I think.

The Ghost Writer however was complaining he was in a meeting all day in a big conference room with no windows so as far as he was concerned it could just as easily been snowing, we have all told him no it was a lovely hot sunny day and he now says he feels so much better to know that.

I am off again shortly to continue my task “The Cultural Olympian” he is finally starting to look vaguely Olympian now as he has two legs and two arms and a neck, although no head and no ribcage or internal organs. I might not bother with internal organs after all a cardboard spleen is no help to the best of us even a cardboard man. The next thing I need to make is his plinth, for some silly reason I said I would make him a plinth to stand on, carved in the finest Grecian marble. Sadly I have been unable to get a delivery of marble from Greece due to problems in the Greek economy with the Euro, so I have substituted the marble for cardboard, as I still have loads of that.

The Cultural Olympian and Heavy Harry the Cat 

The cultural Olympian ..right side

I was going to mention the  menace of the man eating pterodactyl this morning at school, but it is too hot and still and have loads to do. I’m sure it will be back particularly as Freddie was feeding it breadcrumbs. He is a bit short sighted and thought it was a blackbird, admittedly a large blackbird and he said it did eat a hell of a lot of breadcrumbs which he found suspicious and he didn#y think blackbirds growled.   

Monday, 21 May 2012

The Queen the wasps and the curtains

The school master has left a suggestion box in the main hall for ideas on how the school should celebrate the arrival of the Olympics and the Queens sixty years as Queen. As you know I am already committed to making the Cultural Olympian, although he will not be allowed near the school, not because he is banned but I am not foolish enough to let a bedlam of school children near it? What is the plural for a school full of school children? I’m sure it must be a bedlam.

Anyway the first suggestion that I have put in the box is to have a run with all the participants dressed as queens. Apparently according to Esmeralda that could go terribly wrong and thinks the headmaster will reject that straight away.

Ah the wrong Queen Elizabeth............DAM 

I have also suggested we could make a giant wicker queen and set fire to it with Olympic torches, but Freddie thinks that sounds a bit satanic, I did say it’s the queen and the queen is not Satanic …….. AH apparently someone says they think she might be because she never goes to the toilet……… I didn’t know that.

Maybe we could have five huge ring cakes and have scantily clad queens leap out of them………AH OK I am told that we would have our heads chopped off or alternatively Esmeralda says it might end up like the run with the wrong type of queens?. This is trickier than it might appear because the risk is that we end up with a street party eating burgers and hog roast and lemonade, waving flags like they did in 1284 and 1572 and 1784 and 1832 and 1912 and 1963 and 1981 and 2000 and 2005, (sorry I had to guess those dates because sometimes the research is just not worth it).

For reasons that I do not understand it appears that several wasps are interested in the curtains by the sliding doors that go from the dinning room to the little decked area outside the dinning room. These are not posh curtains (or wasps or doors for that matter), we inherited them from the little old lady who used to live here (not the wasps….I think?). In fact no one would mind if the wasps wanted them and ran off with them. The dog has just said “interesting, the wasps are drawn to the curtains” and has fallen about on the floor in hysterics, I have thought about telling the dog to pull himself together but I think it would just make matters worse, as it is I have made it worse by saying “It seams sow” and the dog has added maybe they are blind or possibly venetian. I just tried to tell him to stop by he says he needs to take the window of opportunity when its open  and thinks all the wasps have a glazed look in their eyes.

Enough of that I have to go out shortly to a meeting about the queen that I thought was on a different day so ***********. This therefore is it I‘m off now.

Sunday, 20 May 2012

The car rally and the Russian spies

Today we were watching a group of men directing vehicles, according to mum it was a car rally and true enough there was a succession of small sports cars that would stop have a chat and then drive off past the house. But me and the dog think it was some sort of cunning plan involving mums spy friends from Russia, because most of the vehicles were red; so AH HA you see red…….. Russian Spies drive red cars……… Yes yes mum has said IDIOT but it is all part of the cunning deception to convince me and the dog that they are innocent motor enthusiasts….. Mum is saying “it was a motor rally, it really was” but then she would say that.

Mr Jones was watching from the woods he has taken photos and he has his own theory about mums so called car rally. He says that they were all aliens, apparently aliens like red and it is plainly obvious that they are leaving the woods in small vehicles, but have not yet learnt how to read road signs. Thus the small groups of advisors at the junction to tell them where to go, he says they cant be Russian spies because they would drive on the other side of the road and only aliens from space are capable of driving on the same side as the British, (and German tourists in huge mobile homes).

That was all earlier however and since them I have had a bonfire where mum gave me a load of old papers that she said had personal details on and needed to be destroyed ………….AH HA you see again this proves my point first suspicious Russian car rallies and then the destruction of the incriminating evidence. Mum has said IDIOT again now, but then she would, because that is what spies do, call me an IDIOT 

Sorry I am a bit late tonight it was because of working on the Cultural Olympian, I have been aligning his arm, leg, and half of his other leg so he will stand up. It is working out slightly larger than I planned and If he was standing (He will be in the starting position of a runner) it would stand about five feet tall so close to life size, not what I originally intended. I have also made his neck tonight, so it is getting there. OK that is it I will go now I need to eat and drink chocolate and Cocoa and teach Chico the chicken to loop the loop.  


Saturday, 19 May 2012

The Greek Financial Crisis, the end of the World and the aliens

Saturday and yet another grey day, there is an old saying that goes 300 GREY days does not make a summer and I am starting to think it is quite a wise saying, despite mum saying IDIOT.

The Dog has gone off with Mr Jones, he is the man who gets abducted by aliens and experimented on. It appears he was abducted by aliens again last night while prowling about in the woods (looking for aliens). He says they were cunning, and were all dressed as policemen, they even knew his name saying “OK Mr Jones you have been warned about prowling in the woods at night” and when he said take me to your leader he was whisked away in a spacecraft with blue flashing lights and a noisy siren. After a night in a dark cold research cubicle where he was fed some sort of horrible alien food and a cup of tea, he was set free.

I am trying to attach a leg to a body today, but it is trickier than I thought and I had to remove the Olympians arm in order to do it, so now I will have to attach the arm on again. I am also working on a plan to make ribs, I have a feeling most Olympians have ribs, to tell the truth I am not sure how many they do have, so I will do it using aesthetics (not athletics HAHAHHAH AHh hah hahahah hah hah ah ahah aha) .

I noticed in the newpaper this morning (the Guardian) they were talking about Greece leaving the Eurozone and someone saying that it will be the end of the world and that we will all die unable to purchase a thimble full of water and a dried crust. This is because the entire world has lent Greece so much money that if they are unable to repay it then there will be no money in the world, (on account of the fact that we gave it all to Greece).

I have asked mum why the entire world has lent all the money in the world to Greece and she said because the bankers are IDIOTS……… Ah that would explain it. As it happens, the interest we were hoping to get back from the Greek loans has been lent to Italy and Spain as a cunning way to earn loads of money from the money that we have lent to someone else before they have paid it back.   But if we don’t get our money from Greece then the money we lent to Italy and Spain does not exist, which is fine because they cant pay it back either.

Apparently in the giddy heights of global high finance you don’t need real money just a piece of paper to say someone owns you the money, which was OK until a small child in southern Europe demanded their pocket money in real cash, starting a domino effect. And the result of all this is as The Guardian Newspaper and BBC news appear to be saying; The End of the World.

The Ironic so called Double whammy in all this is that the Olympics, which I am making my Cardboard Cultural Olympian for, are costing Britain a small fortune as they have done over the years for many countries, and who started these ludicrously expensive games in the first place ………… Yes the Greeks. Mr Jones says they are not Greeks but aliens who plan to take over the world by lending planet Earth “Martian Blings” a popular shiny coin with a fixed intergalactic currency value…………… Mum has said IDIOT again   


Friday, 18 May 2012

Mr Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook and a grumpy gnarled bitter and twisted cynic

Today was yet another grey day on the Welsh English borders and so to liven things up a bit myself and the Ghost Writer did a roll reversal, where I went to the Grey office to fix PC’s and he went to school to do my school work. We look remarkably similar, me a young bouncy chirpy, mildly eccentric child of cyberspace and the Ghost Writer, an Old Grumpy gnarled bitter and twisted cynic of everything. 

I got on remarkably well and managed fix at least five different problems with everyone commenting on how cheery and bouncy the IT man was today. When I met up with the Ghost Writer at tea time he was telling me that the headmaster said to him “Rob what’s the problem, you are like a bear with a sore head” to which the Ghost Writer said “O yes and just were does that saying come from its stupid, how does anyone know the bear has a sore head.  It might just be grumpy; as far as I know bears are just grumpy anyway”.

The Ghost Writer said he would have got away with being grumpy if the headmaster had not then asked him “And where is your homework Rob”………… ……….. ………… ……… AH yes I never told the Ghost Writer he had homework to do, so after the Ghost Writer had written one thousand times I MUST REMEMBER TO DO MY HOMEWORK he was even more grumpy.

The Ghost Writer did say he found a worm on the headmaster’s computer and he got rid of it for him (Once an IT man always an IT man). I did ask if he found the worm in a glass jar on top of the headmasters computer with a label on the front saying Bernard the Worm and he say ……………”AH, yes”…….. Mum has called him an IDIOT.

I am off now to carry on with you know what …….The Cardboard Olympian.

Ooooooooooo  yes one other thing, that Mr Mark Zuckerberg is now very very rich where as before he was just very very rich. Everyone has rushed off to buy shares in Facebook because it is free to join but is due to make a fortune because no one reads the advertising...... No its true I am on FB and I don't have a clue what adverts are on my page. They say that all that money will not make him happy, but I think he will be very very happy because as far as I can see he has sold half of something  that I estimate to be worth about the same as my blog for quite a lot of money. If anyone would like to buy my blog for a large some of money well it is not for sale because I am me and I feel someone has to point out money is not what is important (Yes Yes I know it is a bit important but that is the fault of society).  We are all at the end of the day just capital B*****************s


Thursday, 17 May 2012

Donna Summer and the Cultural Olympian

Sooty the Cat and (Chico) the Chicken

Sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do, so last night I did what a man has to do which in my case was to carry on making cardboard legs and part of a foot. Well when I say foot it was more a foot in a running shoe because a Cultural Olympian needs running shoes. I was planning to make a pair of cardboard Nike shoes, but they (Nike) are well funny about copyright, so they many have to a pair of Nicked shoes instead. Know what I mean A….. A….. Gov.

Today was sort of a grey day again and all was as it should be, well up to now anyway, and I am going to vanish off and make more bits of the Cultural Olympian so today is a very very quick visit to the wondrous world of cyberspace and my diary. As it happens the wondrous world of cyberspace can be jolly hard work at times, which is all a bit strange bearing in mind that it has very few moving part and mainly consists of electrons and the like and most of us stumble about in the dark not knowing what we are doing. Thinking about it that sounds like real live too so maybe they are the same except for the moving parts I’m sure real life has more moving parts. As it happens the Cultural Olympian does not have moving parts because I don’t have the time, although I have a plan to make a geared machine with loads of moving parts in cardboard but that is very much for the future and not now.

It appears the Queen of Disco (Donna Summer) died today. However in the wondrous world of cyberspace she continues to make music. And by a strange coincidence I was given some old HiFi this morning from back in the day when the Queen of Disco was at her best.


Wednesday, 16 May 2012

The Cat and the Chicken and the Goat and the Poet

Today is a much better day, rather hot as it happens so WELL COOL? Mum has said IDIOT. It is no doubt due to the fact that mum poured a gallon of petrol on dads weather machine this morning and torched it, then she did the same to my toga and the laurel and to make absolutely sure that none of these things would affect the weather she torched Hardy as well. His last words were “That’s another fine mass you got me into”.  I think he might have thought he was in some bizarre Satanist ritual, what with mum being a Goth and Napoleon Beelzebub helping her.  He loves a good fire.

I was telling Esmeralda about Beelzebub popping in to say hello and helping mum set fire to Laurel and Hardy and she got in a strop. She has always wanted to be a Satanist but Mr Beelzebub has said he does not need all the agro so accidently forgets to log all the bad things, so he who must be obeyed thinks she a right goody two shoes.

OK yes that’s another one of those stupid sayings isn’t it “a right goody two shoes”. No I must not get distracted by these things. As a result of Esmeralda’s strop she shaved half the hair off the Goat (the school mascot) and has sprayed him in red paint and is now training him to walk on his back legs and stab folk with this pointy spear thing ( I’m sure that has a special name?). I think the goat might sulk because he preferred to be catapulted over the school and into the fresh vegetable section of the out of town supermarket, as a mock devil they are unlikely to let him in. He has been banned from entering anyway (as a mere goat), his only way in at present being through the roof skylight where he has to grab what he can before security get him.

Last night in the real world I was making cardboard legs for an Olympic four minute Poet, No its true I really was, you see sometimes the real world is almost as surreal as that of cyberspace. It is plainly obvious that it will require more time than one night to complete legs so I will be carrying on tonight, then I have feet to think about, and I still need to make some ribs. I am starting to see the problems that he who must be obeyed had, no wonder we all turned out as we did if he had to think it all up in one day, I would not be able to do it, but then I have to use cardboard.

Finally Heavy Harry the Cat and the chicken have hatched a plan (Cat, Chicken ….. hatched plan….    … HAH HHAHa hah ahahah hah haha hah hahhah haha hah) after Sooty’s attack on the chicken the other night so I think Sooty the Cat needs to be careful.


Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Homeopathic global weather activating receptors, Natural Global Homeopathy , hail and the cat

Once a year the cats are given a jab at the vet to stop them getting Bubonic plague or something of a similar nature, today was Heavy Harry the Cats turn, so off he went to the vets. And met the same vet he met last year who interestingly enough remembered Heavy Harry the Cat because as the vet said he is a big muscular cat.  Anyway it all went surprisingly well and the vet still has two arms and all his fingers and Heavy Harry is back home prowling the borders of his territory. Our old black car was also due for an MOT today and we all said farewell this morning as we had decided that it would be doomed but amazingly it its fine, back and looking chirpy (sorry Chipped).

We were discussing the weather again at school today partly because this is Britain and it is what we do anyway, and partly because it is being very erratic at present. This I’m sure is to do with dads rain machine, he will insist on tinkering with it every now and again but the dog says other factors are at work.

According to the dog homeopathic global weather activating receptors are being unwittingly moved around the globe by human beings and human activity, and in the same way as many of us use the natural cures of homeopathy to cure ourselves of stuff. So the weather can also be affected by homeopathy through the use of homeopathic global weather activating receptors. These are particular items that represent certain conditions in particular places in the world and once moved even in tiny quantities can affect the weather (Natural Global Homeopathy or N.G.H.). The Dog even told me to take a few laurel leaves and a toga to school as part of a grand experiment.

The geography teacher then made me dress up in the toga and stand in the middle of the playground at lunch time as part of this grand experiment with the laurel leaves on my head, the next thing I knew is, I am being stabbed in the back by driving hail. The geography teacher said he was very disappointed, because he had a twenty five pound bet with the dog that it would remain sunny.  I was rather annoyed because I not only looked like an IDIOT standing in the hail like that vegetarian emperor bloke who had a meal named after him…. What’s his name……..  Julius Caesar (he was stabbed in the back by hail also apparently).  But the grand experiment I was undertaking was merely the result of the dog and the geography teacher having a quiet bet on some hair brained theory of the dogs.  And who thought up the saying Hair brained in the first place, although in the case of the dog it is very apt.

Anyway that is it again for tonight as I am making the legs now for the Cultural Olympiad and they are complex. I am planning to make him the first four minute poet…


Monday, 14 May 2012

Some Stuff, Frank and a Chicken

I have been drumming tonight with my drumming colleague summoning in summer because to be frank it is time it was here. The dog says there is just one small problem neither me nor my drumming partner (Pete) are called Frank. The dog has a good point, why then do we have to be Frank if we are not Frank, I have asked the dog and he has shouted down to me from the gable end of the house   "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn". And that has made him fall off the roof in hysterics, serves him right, and he has terrible wind, so time for him to Leigh-V……...

School lets forget school it was just a day with stuff that happens as it does on some days, and well you don’t want me to write about stuff particularly as it is a bit late and I am being disciplined and working on the Monty Cardboard Robot Club Cultural Olympian for the big show so cant hang about.

The chicken has had a bad night playing with his new mate, when I say mate I am use the word very loosely because he is a small cute chicken and his new mate is a much bigger black cat, Sooty the Cat. Still it could be worse it could be Heavy Harry the Cat as he has a strange idea about play that involves blood and innards.

So sorry that is it tonight it is the dilemma of a daily diary just sometimes there is not quite enough time to fit stuff in and as I have already stated I am sure the last thing you want me to write about is stuff, or in the case of the chicken stuffing HA HHAHAH AH HAH hahh ha hhah aha hah ahahahah ah hha ah hah h ha


Sunday, 13 May 2012

Britain's Got Talent, the dog and the Chicken

I was at a table top sale this morning in the village hall, we were selling a few fragments of things to the punters from Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. Mr Beelzebub said he really did not want to take some of the little things down in the dungeons with him. Things like posh bars of soap, as he said, “When you are bathing in the eternal flames of damnation the last thing you need is a nice creamy soapy lather to keep your skin soft, particularly when most of it has be burnt off”. So mum was shifting a few items in our quirky village event.

 As it happened me and the dog got wind of a chicken, we like chicken and both thought WELL COOL Sunday roast, YUM. The dog in particular was very pleased because we heard; well were told by one of the stall holders that a dog won “Britain’s Got Talent”, which is some TV show that people watch for some reason. The reason the dog was pleased was he had a bet on at the local betting shop that the dog would win because as he put it “Even a dog that can not speak Latin or do Maths is going to be more talented that most humans, they are rubbish”. Yes the dog is like that just because he can speak Latin, Japanese and invented the perpetual motion machine, and does my maths homework, although it is best it I don’t mention that in my diary….. …… ….. AH.

When Blogs work together then things can be awesome. 
Many Thanks Mr ESB, fellow member of RATs 

Sorry distracted, back to the chicken, I didn’t get to see the chicken as I was told it was safe in its cage but I could make an offer so I started at twenty five pence. But I ended up in a bidding war with an anonymous bidder and ended up paying thirty five thousand eight hundred and sixteen pounds and twenty eight pence for the chicken. I have been warned about getting carried away in auction biding wars before and mum said I was an IDIOT, I think she might be right it is rather a lot for a chicken.

Two things made the situation slightly worse, the first of which it appears the other bidder was the dog, Secondly the chicken is a knitted soft toy and I can’t eat it. The only remotely redeeming thing is it is a bit cute and it apparently likes one or two blogs including mine.

Still that’s six months pocket money blown just like that.

The dog has suggested that we enter the chicken into next years “Britain’s Got Talent TV show” but the chicken is protesting and says he has got standards to maintain. 

Ooooooo by the way we are about to blow today's profit in a decadent Chinese takeaway meal YUM