An A to Z Coronavirus observational guide. . . N

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Numbers

OK I am not really a numbers sort of chap but if there is one thing that Covid-19 has created in abundance it is numbers and lots of them. Now I will admit numbers can be both interesting and also very dull. I guess the numbers involved in Covid-19 are a bit of a combination but also generally quite important, so I am kind of keeping track of them. After all this virus is one event that could impact all of us in some way and in almost every case not for the better.

Anyway I thought I would give a few examples of the kind of stats and numbers that are announced or are reported in some form most days . . . . . . 

Grocery sales of flour were up 92% in the four weeks to 22 March compared to the same period last year,

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The US as a whole has recorded 462,000 cases and nearly 16,500 deaths. Globally there are 1.6 million cases and 95,000 deaths.

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The US has over 475,000 confirmed cases and nearly 18,000 deaths so far

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Examining the final outcome for patients admitted to critical care, for the 133 aged 16-39, 76.7% were discharged alive, and 23.3% died. For the 484 aged 60-69, 43.6% were discharged alive, and 56.4% died. For the 434 aged 70-79, 31.3% were discharged alive, and 68.7% died. And for the 107 aged over 80, 27.1% were discharged alive, and 72.9% died.

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The data paints a bleak picture for European countries.

The top three countries with the most deaths per 100,000 people are Spain (35.5%), Italy (32.2%) and Belgium (29.2%), the university says.

Conversely, the top three countries with the most deaths per 100 confirmed virus cases are Italy (12.8%), the UK (12.4%) and Belgium (11.9%), it says.

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So there you have it most days there are all sorts of facts and figures that can be found about Covid-19 and I suspect that there are many more numbers and statistics to go yet.

It is worth pointing out also these numbers and facts are already out of date as I try to keep ahead on my 2020 A to Z challenge. 

Alternative Mathematics, Demons, Banshees and Other Things

The square of the hypotenuse is equal to the square of the tangent of the circle that fits the volume of the triangles square and if this is dissected by the line taken from the acute angle to a point equal to the co-sign times Pi from the square root of the opposite side. Then with some certainty we can say the following simple formula is true

A = B*C(D-F)

Where A is the time it takes for the Maths teacher to throw you out of his course for wasting his time and B is the degree of confusion that you have created in the mind of the teacher and C represents the reaction of other students to your answer where D is the number of students and F is the number of students who have not actually noticed that you are talking complete gibberish as defined by Modern Mathematics.

Now on a sunny day I would be able to mention Mathematics in this slightly odd and friendly way without any issues, but if there is one truth here today it is that the sky is as grey as a sky can be and the wind is howling past at great speed. Yes I don’t think we are going to see a happy go lucky Harry Potter passing this way on his Broom, I think it will be Banshees and at least one of those Dementor things scurrying past heading towards some dark place of doom. Having along with all that grey wet cloud, arrived from some other place of doom and acting very doomsday as they all go by.   OK a few of them have waved, but we are all mates really but that is not something I need go about telling the world is it. . . . . . AH DAMN I may have just let slip. . . . . DAMN.

I may have also made the mistake of starting this post with the words Mathematics hypotenuse, square and tangent these are not good words to use to attract followers or readers. Where ironically enough, Banshees, Doom and Dementor are good words to use to attract followers and readers which must say much about human logic and thinking and probably explains why most folk are rubbish at Maths except a few weird geeky sorts who love it and have worked out that a Banshees molecular structure is based on a low density plasma that uses the principles of antimatter and radioactive carbon with unbalanced isotopes, well that and demonic possession.

Tonight’s picture is brought to you with the assistance of a small person who has had a bit of a tough time in life so far and now also has to speak to me (along with his sister) from time to time.  Where I tell them both of Mathematics, Banshees and assist them in drawing stuff. They visited earlier where I pointed out that the grey wet clouds flying past above us at speed were full of terrible demons and Mathematicians. Strangely they seemed to head off smiling and appeared happy so I must be losing my skills.

           

Ooooooo a quick arty Poem

Miro painted strange Shapes

Antony Gormley likes to make a Man

Monet painted ponds and Stuff
And Andy Warhol liked to draw a . . . . Can 

Einstein, The Theory of Relativity, Chaos Theory and a Chicken

While listening to the wireless this morning there was a little article on about Einstein who as we all know was a clever chap. I did not hear all of what they were saying because it was before 9.00am and far too early for me to focus on Einstein or even the cat at that time of the morning.  Anyway I sort of heard someone say something about how his theory of relativity resulted in a rational structured model of the Universe.

Well it was that statement that finally woke me up, well when I say woke I grunted and sort of pored tea into myself and waved at a terrible blinding light, which turned out to be a bed side light.  You see saying the Universe is structured and rational fails to take into account something rather important and that is time.  OK yes I know what you are thinking, saying Einstein has not thought about time is like saying the Chicken has never thought about crossing the road.

But the key point is not so much time, but the rate at which time passes or the time, time takes to pass. Think of a car crash if you slow it down so that the few seconds it takes can be watched over a period of several hours then it becomes a predictable event. We can watch things fly about hit one another and predict the outcome.  Well the Universe is basically a car crash in slow motion, our own life span is so short relatively, that we only see a tiny fraction of the event and it all looks rather structured.  If it was speeded up millions of times it would just appear to be a rather chaotic and disorganized fireworks display.

So consider the following options

If I was to say the Earth will be destroyed in ten million years folk would say Gosh well that’s OK and carry on without a worry.

If I then said the Earth will be destroyed in one thousand years folk would say well that’s not long is it, but hey I’ll be OK.

If you tell folk the Earth will be destroyed in one day’s time folk will run about panicking and eating ice cream.

You see it is not the event that is scary but the timing, tell a Mayfly the Earth has only one day left and he will say that’s an entire lifetime, Phew that is lucky for me.  It is a known fact that Andromeda and the Milky Way will collide in about four billion years and that the moon is moving away from earth at about two inches a year and will one day vanish off and cause chaos in our own solar system. Plus the sun is due to become a Red Dwarf and will swallow the earth up. You see the Universe is just Chaos theory in slow motion so when I heard that Einstein’s Theory of Relativity was been used to suggest the Universe was structured I thought Noooooooooooooooo the Universe is chaos. . . . Well mine is most of the time.

Anyway don’t panic the Earth will not be destroyed for at least a few more weeks yet so there is loads of time . . . . AH well a bit of time and as I have already said time is entirely an abstract idea.

Yemiliano Yaragoza. . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

  

Yemiliano Yaragoza

 Miss Yemiliano Yaragoza’s name is seldom mentioned even in Victorian times she was almost completely unknown despite being one of the greatest mathematicians the world has ever know. It is even said by some that Albert Einstein could never have worked out his own theories without reading her work, and that even he did not fully understand the bulk of it.  She calculated that the time space gravitational balance was held in place by a force she called the Yaragoza String Particle. And that a small change in this changed the ratio of time, space and gravity and so instantly solved the paradox of the bend in time and space, Black holes, entire star systems clasping in seconds, the Big Bang and dark matter. As her theory stated (in simple terms) the Yaragoza String Particle is a multi dimensional force and much like an iceberg only a tiny part of it can be detected in our universe, but its influence is critical to the universes stability. Any change in ratio of the Yaragoza String Particle between dimensions even to a factor of 10ˉ¹²ⁿ could cause huge changes to the known universes structure.

Had she lived in Europe she would be famous even today, but she lived in Mexico, a place of turmoil during Victorian times. She was a dedicated left wing idealist and activist, a Soldaderas (a woman of the Mexican Revolution). And is said to have invented the very first cassette loading hand held recoilless machine gun. A weapon she destroyed herself a few years later when she became disillusioned with the political leaders and activists as they became corrupted by money and power.  She also corresponded with Roger Rocket Ravens and calculated his flight path to and from the moon.

Having become disillusioned by the complexities of the revolution in Mexico she bought a small tapas bar on the coast and kept and bred rare Penguins in a specially designed Penguin House its designed specially commissioned from Wibury Wainwright Wrong who she had advised on the design of his lightweight steam powered aero engine.   

What is Time . . . . A Simple Guide to the Origin of Time

I not sure about you lot but in this part of the world it is getting distinctly darker earlier in the evening meaning that summer is over and Autumn has arrived. As it happened today was a nice sunny day and the fact it is just after seven o’clock in the evening as I write this (I will be eating my evening meal soon so bear that in mind)  and getting darker by the second shows us that the year is rapidly vanishing into winter.

And this made me think about time, yes this really is a Big Question today, although it’s not as complex as you might think.  You see if you think about what mankind has used as its reference of time over history.  Starting with rising of the sun and the summer and winter solstice, which is why many of the old sacred sights such as Stonehenge are large clocks aligned to these events. Of course things have moved on and we now have time based on the caesium atom which is seriously accurate, you will never be late for meeting using a continuous cold caesium fountain atomic clock.

However all these clocks sort of miss the key issue involved in time, they all are based on moving things even if these days it’s tiny really really tiny. So the point is TIME can only exist while things move, even if the things moving are tiny like atoms or electrons.  In other words time does not exist it is merely a way of expressing movement from point A to Point B.  Remember the Big Bang theory says before the Big Bang time did not exist (I’m not making this up) and that is because nothing moved not even atoms. But even the tiniest movement of a single electron (or Chicken) would create (time - movement) and the Universe all in one huge explosion.

Which brings us to chickens they understand time better than you think; what is one of the earliest forms of measuring a fixed time . . . .? The Egg Timer . . .  a device entirely evolved by chickens. And that old saying which folk can't ever answer. . . . Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road. . . . It was a way of travelling a fixed distance to access the accuracy of the egg timer, allowing the calculation of the horizontal movement of the chicken at a fixed speed against the gravitational forces on the egg timer.  It is a little known fact that chickens were the first creatures to attempt time travel. . . . OK YES they were rubbish at it but they tried.  

I may be up for yet another Nobel Prize again. . . . 

Computers, Hat Stands and Chaos Theory

The Ghost Writer has been in his grey office today looking at three new computers, he does not really like new computers because he is old and confused, slow and full of dents which means he has a natural affinity with old computers as they too are generally confused, slow and full of dents. He has also noticed that the company that he buys all the computers from have a habit of phoning him up and being all chirpy saying they will help. Now you might think that is very helpful and kind, but it is apparently rather irritating to log onto a site only to have a nice man phone you up fifteen seconds later, smiling (the Ghost Writer is assuming he is smiling) and offering to help.  It is like going into a large shop full of exciting and interesting stuff only to have someone sneak up behind you before you have even had a chance to look at the first thing rubbing his hands and saying OOOOOooooo yes sir this is a lovely Victorian Lemur hat stand and then saying things like Well yes sir the lemur is a BIT MOTH eaten but it’s eyes do follow you round the room….  As it happens a hat stand that has eyes that follow you round a room is not a strong selling point, nor is, I suspect is a group of Manky Stuffed Juggling Lemurs with a lingering look suggesting they may wish to hold your hat . . . .(or return to the jungle)

As many of you know the School Mascot is The Goat, which enjoys nothing more that being catapulted into the out of town supermarket for a bit of a run about in the fresh veggies before it escapes one way or another and returns to school well fed and perky after an exciting trip out.  However over the last couple of years many of you have been sceptical that a goat once catapulted in through the skylight of a huge supermarket could evade capture, escape and return back to the school without arousing suspicion. Well while listening to the wireless this morning I heard an article that stated Goats have been found to be far more intelligent that first thought. This I feel shows the world of Knowledge, Wisdom and Science that it needs to buck its ideas up pronto and read my blog more, the sooner the nice Mr Steven Spielberg makes the block buster movie the better for mankind is what I would say, well I would if it was not for the fact I am rather a modest genius who likes to keep his light under a bushel (I know it’s the English language, it is full of silly sayings).

I have also discovered that introducing a large lizard as a random element while working on the mathematics of Chaos Theories in the maths class causes chaos. The mathematics teacher did say that as a practical example of how The Chaos Theory works it was extremely good, but as an aid to a theoretic discussion of the mathematical principles involved in Chaos Theory it was rubbish, and a large group of screaming girls has fused his hearing aid.    

The Correct Date for the End of the World based on apples and science . . . . . .

After yesterday’s lesson on the wonders of the universe the Ghost Writer ruined everything by putting another apple on my apple tower to make it six apples high, all I can say is that it must predict the next possible End of the World.  It has been some time since we had a decent End of the World prediction date in fact the whole End of the World prediction business has sort of Ended.  I wonder if someone predicted the End of the Worlds, End of the World predict business, anyway I can start it up again now after the shock news of an apple tower taller than five apples. Even Isaac Newt-man stated that an apple will always fall at a fixed rate even if it was a largish apple up to a point (note the up to a point). You see he knew that if the apple was so large that the planet Earth was proportionally the size of an apple in comparison to the huge apple, then Earth would fall onto the apple with the same force as the small apple falls to Earth. However the small apple and Earth would both fall onto the surface of the hypothetically huge apple at the same speed, presenting the paradox that a six apple tower represents. Clearly predicting the End of the World.

So after telling everyone at school this morning that the End of the World was due in twenty five minutes it was decided that there was little point in having any maths homework. As it happens after recalculating the time and date of the End of the World, I had not thought about the diameter of the apple and its effect on Pi (HAH HAHAHH AHH AHhah ha hah ah ahha ha hahh hah ahah h hah ha) I have worked out it will now be the 1^st Feb 3456 approximately when Earth will be destroyed by terrible mutant Zombies who will look just like Granny Smith.

Zombies will call this their deliciously golden era although it too will eventually crumble…… 

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The Shape of the Universe and Tea Bags

My diary of late has got rather quiet its existence in the parallel media's of cyberspace both showing signs that the great masses have left leaving only a few die hards and my good friends at GCHQ who know that it is better to monitor a friendly face rather than that of an annoyed face, or worse still an angry face. Would you while waiting in the rain at the bus stop in a queue for the bus that is late rather watch the smiling man or the angry man who might see you looking at him, I think the choice is plain always watch the happy man it is safer.

And so tonight after a quiet day and I mean quiet (although we are off to Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café tonight for a meal) I have decided to discuss the shape of the universe. As you know only a couple of days ago I mentioned the origin of life and as a result Mr H from the cyber-world asked me if I knew the shape of the universe. Now I know it is not something that most folk know but funnily enough I do, so I thought I could let you all know too. I have sort of mentioned this to Mr H already in reply to his comment because he knew it had to do with tea bags but was getting a bit confused and I forgot to mention the exact shape of the tea bag to him (very sorry Mr H) so I will now clarify it to everyone. I am going for my second Nobel Prize in less that a week.

So consider a round teabag (a bit like a squashed flying Saucer) and that you could fold  the edge back into the middle to a point known as The Absolute point of Universe, the point where the so called big bang occurred. And you then flattened out the teabag into a teabag shape again you would fundamentally have a teabag with no edges, which is important because the universe can not have edges just a force to hold its shape together (the material of the teabag itself). The tea  in the teabag is then split equally between the two sides of the teabag either side of The Absolute Point of Universe a point so small not even an electron can get through it, this tea is the substance of the universe itself planets, stars and the like, and one side represents matter the other Antimatter. The fabric of the teabag where it is squashed together can therefore sometimes get small holes worn in it due to the forces generated and these are called Black Holes where the matter falls into the antimatter.

Of course the sort of flying saucer shape is created by the spin of the universe where material is thrown out along the line of centrifugal effect; however the one thing that can ruin a good universe is a huge kettle of hot water which destroys many of the forces that hold it together. And this can be made much worse by God squeezing the teabag against the side of his mug turning everything we know and understand into a soggy shapeless mass.

I hope next time you are asked what is the Shape of the Universe you will all say ………..AH FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THAT BECAUSE. . . . . . . .

Summer, sunsets, drumming and alien spacecraft

Today has been hot and sunny and rumour has it, it will remain hot and sunny here for at least the following week. One thing I do know about weather is like myself only the other day, weather likes to maintain a state of equilibrium so the good weather here means that there has been some terrible weather elsewhere, I believe in central Europe, I have been busy so have not yet seen a news.  However both myself and the Ghost Write found ourselves trapped the wrong side of glass rooms that were rather hot, the Ghost Writer battling the demons of IT, breaking down the gates of a laptop that was determined that no one shall pass. But the Ghost writer showed no mercy and wiped the mind of the laptop tuning it into a docile puppy eager to please.

I on the other hand was doing mathematics working on the algebraic equations for the flight of seagulls, all was well until Esmeralda got bored and decided that a cookery class was more fun, so we all had seagull risotto for lunch which was well yummy.

Anyway tonight myself and my drumming colleague sat on the patio and drummed the sunset in (I note I got a photo of three alien spacecraft heading towards the woods), while a load a mayflies and a dragonfly flew about and a frog ate a large wasp. I was a bit worried about the frog, wasp stings are not nice so swallowing a live wasp and a large one at that seemed foolish, but I think frogs eat first think second, much like Freddie’s ferret who spent the afternoon trying to swallow a large seagulls head.

I am now drinking tea eating Prawn crackers (as you do) and writing this, I know by the time you read it I will have eaten all the crackers finished my tea and will be chilling as it has been a long long day and I need to spend a small bit of it doing nothing…..   

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The mathematics of the crystalline structure in nature and The Woolly Torch Hat for only £12.38p . . .. Batteries not included.

It has been very cold today indeed even Mr Jones the Alien Hunter has had to resort to putting clothes on, despite his view that clothes confuse aliens as they assume it is fur and then they think all sorts of stuff can be unzipped which he says can be a little painful. To ensure that his jacket cannot be confused he has super glued the zip and has told us, that it will ensure it can not be removed by mistake. I don’t think he has thought that through very well myself. The reason I mention Mr Jones is because he has taken a picture of what he says is a digital synchronized laser probe that the aliens were using to detect intelligent life forms on planet Earth, but he is convinced that they think he is a bear because of his fur (it is in fact a nylon puffer jacket with a fur collar). The dog has pointed that very few bears are green or have a picture of Elvis on the back and the words Elvis was an Alien in sparkly rhinestones or wear a woolly hat with a torch knitted into each side of it.

I think there is a an interesting marketing opportunity there . . . . . The Woolly Torch Hat, stay warm and see where you are going in total darkness. Amaze your friends, you will leave them speechless. Communicate with aliens and look like an idiot; all for £12.38p . . . ..  Batteries not included.

What with all the cold after all the rain the mathematics teacher decided that we should discuss the mathematics of the crystalline structure in nature and in particular Polymorphism then as we drifted into a discussion on the crystallographic point group, I came to the conclusion that being cold is very complicated. But one thing I did discover was the reason why we never see Santa, and how he is able to get round to so many houses in one night, it is all to do with The 14 Bravais Lattices  . . . . . . . . . Ah no hang on I might be getting confused with reindeer.

While on that subject mum and dad did something today they have never done before, they bought a fake Christmas tree. They said that they thought it would be a bit more eco friendly rather than keep buying a tree with roots that they struggle to keep alive for two or three years before it dies. And they also refuse to buy a grown in Indonesian Christmas tree for a fiver on the grounds that it is just not right.  

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No one likes an enthusiastic mathematics teacher do they?

Today started with a very early start to the day as we had to leap into action to get Heavy Harry the Cat into his steel travel cage and chained down before he had time to attack, and then get enough food out for the other creatures so they did not chew our arms off. We then had to have Heavy Harry the Cat at the vet before 9.00 am, but when we did get him there on time were told that Heavy Harry was last on the list of Operations. Why do they do that, they do it in hospitals too; you are told ooooooo yes make sure you are here by 9.00am and then after you arrive you find that you are last on the list and will get to see the doctor at 5.00pm because there are ten little old ladies before you, and they are a bit frail. A bit frail? Have you seen them at the hospital café they are always at the front of the queue and get all the best cream buns.

OK not sure what happened there I was talking about the cat who is OK now and back home, we have been told to keep him in tonight but he has insisted on going out so in a game of Paper Scissors Stone I found myself outside in the dark as chaperon to a slightly dozy, grumpy cat.  

 

 Luckily the Chaos of the convoy system in Churchstoke has vanished overnight and the roads are finally back to normal, which means everyone can drive like mad Looney’s through the little village again, which is good . . . . . .?

I am attempting to assemble a Microsoft Windows 98 computer but it is harder than you think because everything is made these days for Windows 7 so what appears to be easy in fact is a bit of a problem. I could ask the Ghost Writer to help as he is an IT Guru but he is still trying to look posh in his new coat although as many people have pointed out he is a naturally shambolic person whose own family were attempting to clean his shoes with furniture polish on his wedding day and then everyone fell about laughing when he put a suit on.

Meanwhile in school we had mathematics and today studied the mathematical theory of complex ligand- binding systems at equilibrium, well when I say studied we sort of looked dazed and confused and Esmeralda in a desperate attempt to be thrown out of class cut two legs of the desk she was sat at. But it failed miserably because the teacher pulled out a large tin of glue that he kept in the cupboard for such events, it appears it is quite a common thing to happen and then said we could all work on The Interface Crack Problem in Nonhomogeneous Bonded materials such as school desk legs.  Esmeralda of couse could not face this and leapt out of the window and ran off to hide in the school goats hut, where they played poker and ate Lemon Bon Bons until it was dark, when she scurried onto the back of the school bus only to find the mathematics teacher who gave here a rather good article he had found on the internet called Macroscopic pedestrian flow simulation for designing crowd control measures in public transport after special events.

  

No likes an enthusiastic mathematics teacher do they?

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The Olympic Legacy of Legs,. curtains and 100% of an unknown fraction (X%)

Today saw a return to normality, I am not sure about you lot but I am quite pleased; I have thought about that legacy thing now for at least half an hour today wondering if I should run, jump, skip or throw large heavy things and get in training for Rio in four years time and weighing up all the pro’s and con’s I have come to conclusion, best not too. It is a lot of work and I have guitars and a drum so I have asked mum for a note to give to someone excusing me from Olympic training. The dog and I have decided that we will do what we do best and are going to make a large hollow wooden leg which we will take to the beach and sail it the short hop across the bay (short hop HAH HAHAHHHAH Hah aha hah hah ah hah ahhah hah hah hahh  ha ha ha ha)

Yes we will be doing our bit by sailing a Leg at Sea (Legacy) HA HA HA HA HA HAH hHAHH HAH HAH HHAH HAH AH HAH HAH hah ah h hahaha hhaahh ahhah ahhahahhahh ahh ah hah ahh hhhahha…… We thought if we painted it gold (in recognition of the British gold medals) we could call it The Golden Hind Leg

Normality today involved a trip to Shrewsbury to look for material for the curtains for the big orange room (although as we know it is already smaller now by the thickness of four layers of paint). The material we got is WELL COOL and was a bargain at less than twenty five percent of its original price; which was well expensive…..

One interesting sign we saw as we passed the hospital, well rather a lot of signs saying the same thing as it happens was ‘100% Part Exchange Guaranteed’ on a big block of new houses. Personally I thing the whole thing looks a bit ghetto like; it is not nice in this day and age to squeeze as many houses as possible into a smallish area but that is beside the point because I am confused by ‘100% Part Exchange Guaranteed’……. What exactly does that mean, am I missing something fundamental here about maths. I can see that it might be possible to have 100% of part of something but if you don’t know how big the part is of the whole, it sort of makes the statement irrelevant.  Anyway it annoyed me but in a reassuring way that makes me realize that the post Olympic world will soon be just like the pre Olympic world…….PHEW…..

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The Creature from the Black Lagoon is 28% more likely to eat the pears than The Blob, but 42% of Things do not like apples

The Murk and gloom are taking there toll on the masses in Great Britain and it continues to be grey and wet on an almost constant loop day after day. In School with the pupils starting to look rather zombie like the headmaster decided today would be a ‘non uniform day’. He thought we could all dress up and make the place chirpy and fun, full of colour and excitement. He was a bit surprised though when over 93% of the schools pupils turning up as The Creature from the Black Lagoon , 3% turning up as man eating giant slugs, 2% as The Slime Creature of Atlantis,  !% as The Blob,  !% as a Thing and Esmeralda as Lady Ga Ga.

Some Stats for my blog for today show 99% of all readers run away

Of course this is not what the headmaster had planned, and the trip by 53% of the pupils to the fish and chip shop at lunch time in the grey wet gloom and murk  resulted in 28% of the towns population panicking and 5% of them hitting the pupils with umbrella’s. Of that 5% almost 98% of them in fact were little old ladies, and of that 98%, 71% 0f them had a preference for attacking the pupils dressed as The Blob; which when you bear in mind is only 1% of all the pupils in the school and 39% of them went into town for fish and chips meant that 18 pupils got beaten up by little old ladies more than The Creatures from the Black Lagoon.

We managed to get back to school before 57% of the police turned up in 23% of the police cars but by then 88% of the fish and chips were soggy and then just when we thought if could not get any worse the Mathematics teacher asked us a question; he said “Well you now have enough information to work out how many pupils are in the school, I expect 15% of you to get this right before I eat 5 apples and three pears which I will share with six people equally, and one who will get 45% of an apple”

Sadly we never got to find out what the answer to any of this was because Esmeralda catapulted the Maths teacher over the school in the direction of the out of town supermarket with an accuracy of only 8% so he landed on the headmasters car, which was 100% damaged.

    

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Lunar Molecular Astro-Solar Oscillation and an orange slug

One more week at school after today so we are sort of chilling doing easy stuff so today we discussed Lunar Molecular Astro-Solar Oscillation. I am sure it was the physics teachers fault; all I said was I have got my telescope back from Miss E who gave up looking into space when she realized all the boys on the Astronomy class that meets after school in the dark of evening spend all night looking into space.  It was very chilled and the whole class had to agree that afterwards not one of us had a clue what the teacher was talking about. But looking knowledgeable and nodding in a knowledgeable way, going AH and pretending to take notes has seen most of the class successfully get through many subjects. Dad says this skill is something very important because with this skill we could all become politicians or bankers.   

Today has also involved the colour orange firstly we discovered a rather interesting orange slug, none of us remember seeing an orange slug before so it was quite interesting. The dog thought it might be clockwork; he said it seemed very possible that it was a Clockwork Orange Slug before falling about in Hysterics. Anyway it turns out that this slug is just the right colour for the music room. It’s called a music room because it sounds posh and will end up with all the music stuff in so not really posh more practical. So we went off to get paint the same colour as the slug.... This seemed simple enough but not when you have to deal with shop assistants who are afraid of slugs and shop managers who insist that slugs are banned from the shop. Why would anyone ban a slug from a DIY store, OK they are not going to spend a lot, but on the other hand they are quiet and courteous and have never been known to steal DIY equipment. OK if it was a greengrocer then yes they have been known to nibble the odd lettuce without paying.

In the end we managed to get the paint by sticking the slug on the outside of the window, the dog very kindly licking the window clean afterwards, Yes slugs are a bit slimy (very slimy) but he is back home now, well next door as it happens, dad throw him over the stream saying the grass is greener on the other side to the slug who foolishly believed him. Mum said the slug was an IDIOT. 

My Blog in Dynamic View again

Elvis, Hedgehogs and Cheese Scones

We discovered that we have a pair of hedgehogs under the beach hedge last night. They appear to have made the entrance to their home under the canopy put up for the family barbecue, so we now have the only hedgehogs in Britain who have an entrance surrounded by fairy lights. The main worry with this is the male hedgehog is now convinced he is Elvis and is singing ‘Aint nothing but a hedgehog”….

It has been rather hot today, which can only mean one thing, yes dad is working on his weather machine again although this time the dog is helping him with the mathematics and calculus. The dog says that dad has not built into the system the minor random variable element which represents the butterfly that flaps its wings deep in the South American rain forest. As we all know and I’m sure I have said before a long time ago it is his fault we have all the storms and rain (the butterfly). But you can’t make a weather machine without knowing what the little critter is doing, so that you can create an Anti-flapping butterfly as compensation.

While they are doing this I have been assigned the job of making the log shed. I am not entirely convinced that it is as much fun as tinkering with a weather machine but I am told that it is very important and as a bribery mum has made of huge pile of cheese scones with loads of  km pepper in ………….YUM.

OK not much else to report today………

Oooo yes dentist tomorrow so YUCK, as it happens I am aware that Ian the Musical Hat Maker has been to see the dentist so next week if all does to plan I will be able to exchange dentist stories….. The dentist always makes me think of the film Marathon Man with that bloke Hufting Dustman or what ever his man is… I don’t like the dentist. 

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The Goat and the Moon and the Archers

At school today the super moon was discussed, the result of the moon passing close to the earth and clipping the secret short wave radio mast on the roof of our house that mum communicates with her spy friends with. And which I am under strict instructions not to mention in my diary……….. ………. AH, mum has said IDIOT now. The result of course was Esmeralda was out trying to catapult the school mascot (the goat, I realise there are new people following in cyberspace these days unaware of the goat) into the path of the moon. It is all very well but then the maths teacher used this to get us to calculate possible angles and velocities in order to achieve her goal.

The outcome of all the calculation seemed to be threefold

1 the Maths teacher was well happy and in his element scribbling lines of trajectory on the blackboard for hours

2 The goat was happy as during the daily trials he landed, as he has many times, in the fresh vegetable section of the out of town supermarket. They have banned the goat several times but his entry though the skylight is always a surprise to the manager.

3 We have finally proved that even with the moon skimming dead low, so that we all need to duck as it shots over, Esmeralda’s Steam powered catapult is just not good enough. And as the headmaster has banned rockets after the last incident where governments got a bit grumpy.  Despite the goat holding the altitude record for a goat in a rocket giving the school is greatest achievement to date     

4 …. AH……… no one expects the Spanish Inquisition

Once I got home I found Sooty the Cat had a baby Thrush and although I managed to get it from him it was in shock and the poor little mite died (Sooty is now told off). As it happened just after that mum planted cat mint and both Sooty the Cat and Heavy Harry the Cat were well spaced out trying to sniff it. In the end the plant was surrounded in canes to stop them destroying it…….. The dog said IDIOTS; he says that but you try and get his favourite Russian Vodka off him and he is just the same.  And the lambs in the small holding behind the house were running up and down the field like demented loony’s, there were about fiffy of them so it was rather amusing and me and the dog had a small bet. Sadly as ever I lost, thinking about in hind sight saying “I think the black sheep will win” was OK until the dog said “I think the white sheep will win”. Bearing in mind there was only one black sheep. 

O my God my diary has turned into an episode of The Archers tonight how did that happen (if you are an international reader and are unaware of the radio program The Archers………… Lucky B**********)

Seagulls and the Periodic Table.... Learning Chinese and Coffee.

Well it has been a day of a bit of this and a bit of that, Firstly my old sea fairing friend Captain Nessman of the High Seas was wearing his pirate hat. He has not worn his pirate hat for a while but then he has been anchored in a quite cove enjoying some sun and a little bit of peace while he learns Chinese. I have warned him in the past there is a danger of us Europeans, (OK he is from the United States but the situation is probably the same I’m sure), are all driven mad by trying to learn Chinese. Even the great mind of Captain Nessman.

So  I have told him to take care and not feed the seagulls. Seagulls are clever birds and can easily become addicted to human food. They told me once (the seagulls) “You try eating raw fish every day and see if you like it”, Yes Ok I understand their viewpoint, if it was battered (Not as in with a club but with a crispy batter) and served with chips then OK and the seagulls think the same so best not to tell them in the first place or let them get the taste for it.

NOW LOOK …… Why am I talking about seagulls, its that Captain Nessman’s fault?

 Elsewhere in cyberspace Mr ESB is making coffee and I have warned him too that  there is a tiny element of unpredictability (0.09539976 roughly) in the process of making coffee which means that sometimes it will taste brilliant and other times it will not, and yet the reason for this is untenable; the so called “Unpredictable Element”. Why it has never been added to the periodic table is anyone’s guess but I think it is a good excuse for a conspiracy theory (but not tonight). It is why I don’t drink coffee, but do drink tea.

Finally I have started to do something on the Montgomery Cardboard Robot Club Olympian Robot and think I have a plan of sorts as to what he (or she) might look like, maybe, sort of?

Ooooo by the way the weather was OK today and the cats were lazy

Sorry for too many OK’s but I guess most of you are OK about it HAH HAHAHH AHH AHh hah hahahah hahh hah ahahaha haha hhaha hahaha ha.  

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The Anti-Being of each person as calculated in a brilliant new mathematical theory.

It has been a quiet day and as we suggested yesterday, we have been chilling, I don’t mean we have been sitting in the freezer, as it happens the dog was sitting in the freezer at one point attacking a turkey (a Frozen turkey not a live one).

The weather has been a typical British day for this time of year so bright and sunny at times but very cold and also dark and rainy and we could see snow on the hill about half a mile away. Flipping in conditions about every half an hour, so every time I thought, I might go out it would suddenly change from sun to rain.

The result of which was I only made it as far as the greenhouse once to check on the lettuce seedlings for mum. I must take a picture of these to show we are almost ECO warriors now, which reminds me I must plant some potatoes soon so we can have organic chip butty’s.

I was also involved briefly in a short response to comments on the internet by Mr ESB and then that led into a little bit of mathematics (it’s the dogs fault he loves his maths). I know you thinking O YUK maths but it is very interesting because I have realised that we must all have an Anti-being (an equal and opposite person to ourselves). Mathematically Mr ESB’s mathematical opposite works out as ((ES)/ (4/B²)) the sums are quite easy as show below

ESBB     Each letter represents the four parts on Mr ESB’s name so:-

ESB² = 4

ES = 4/B²

(ES)/(4/B²) = 1

((ES)/(4/B²)) -1 = 0

Thus showing that should the Anti-being Mr ((ES)/(4/B²)) were to ever meet Mr ESB, he would cancel him out and they would no longer exist. What I don’t know is does the Anti-being of each of us walk about doing things on the planet at the same time as us. Personally and the dog agrees with me the answer is yes. But where are they? Are they on the opposite side of the world (maybe?) after all that would be logical? Which at one time would not have been an issue, but in these days of travel thanks to migrating flocks of Aircraft following the recently mentioned Easy Jet Stream it is far more likely that we could meet our own Anti- being,

This theory of course leads to further questions because it infers that half the worlds population are the Anti-beings of the other half, so I think that can only mean it can’t be possible to meet your own Anti-being. Otherwise surely it would have happened by now and someone would have noticed, and if that’s true it means there is someone on the planet you could never meet (your own Anti-being). I am presently trying to think of the person I could not meet no matter how hard I tried to, but strangely it has turned into rather a long list. And mum has added IDIOT.   

Ooooo by the way I did paint some lines too so I have been rather useful as well as mathematical  

today’s letter in my test A to Z of Blogging is “C” for calculations, or even “A” for Anti-Being or “M” Mad HAH HAH HHAHAH Hah hahh ah hah hah ah hha haha h ahahahahah  haah.

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The Analogue Binary Computer and the Cat

Yes the Ghost Writer was in the grey office today and as always, he will insist and coming to see us and whinge about it. We don’t mind after all it is not a nice thing to do is it, work in a grey office. But the strange thing is this is what most people do these days; work in a grey office peering at a computer monitor. At least the Ghost Writer gets to pull all the computers apart and break them, sorry fix them.

When I was at school I had a look at my blog on the PC during our IT class where I write the duplicate of my diary and shock horror it looked just different enough to not be able to read the bit down the side. The Ghost Writer said only a few days, weeks or what ever it was that this can happen and he was right, we hate it when the Ghost Writer is right.  I had to change my blog from the new fancy paint job because Miss Lily was trying to spray graffiti on the side and it was sliding off.

The IT teacher is well into artificial intelligence and is working on a computer the size of a human brain with the computing ability of a human brain. He has this new idea called Analogue Binary which has an infinite value for one, (as in the number not the Queen) so that 01 can be anything up to ten thousand and 10 can then be up to ten thousand times ten thousand and 11 can be a value up to ten thousand times ten thousand times ten thousand and not just a puny three. Anyway enough of the clever bit for now  

The teacher was originally going to make a computer with the computing power of an Ants brain and also the same size as an Ants brain, but he dropped in on the floor and he thinks the cleaners sucked it up with the vacuum cleaner. As he said typical you don’t see a cleaner for months then when you loss something in the dust they suck it all up and throw it away. It is one of the reasons I never use a vacuum cleaner, best to be on the safe side …………. Mum just said IDIOT.

The IT teacher said if he can make thirty artificial human brains the size of a human brain he can fit then into Androids and then instead of teaching annoying children all day that are a pain in the backside he can teach them instead. I think it was at that point that the class felt he was not really on our side, so Esmeralda superglued his prototype brain to the school cats head. The cat then said For some reason I cant fathom I rather fancy some algebra in the maths class and reading a little hommer and then but it was at that point the cat spotted a mouse and in the ensuing chase the brain overheated and malfunctioned. It appears the cat is now hiding in a small hole under the floor eating cheese (Read Lester) with a family of mice shouting eeekkk Meeeeooooowww.

I know this might sound odd to some of you but I might have told you this story before. But as the Ghost Writer says life is circles within circles.