Liberties of London, a small Japanese Sheepdog and Zombies from the Wizard of Oz....

Sundays as I have said before have been very quiet in cyberspace, however this can be good and bad depending on how you think of cyberspace. If you see it as a party in a large hall full of interesting folk and you turn up and find they are all at home and the only person to speak too is a small Japanese sheepdog who has had a bad day and is rambling on about lions, tin robots and straw men. Having first lost his barrel of brandy then the sheep refusing to cooperate, that are now all outside with protest banners saying We Prefer Welsh Sheepdogs; Well then Sunday is not a good day to be wandering about in cyberspace. But if you think of cyberspace as a big store like Harrods or Liberties of London and you have turned up and it is entirely empty except for say a little old lady who is testing umbrellas by stabbing at manikins with them and shouting don’t you come round here with your furry gingerbread penguin ONESIE ASKING if I have seen the Zombie from the Wizard of Oz . . .(sorry distracted a bit there), then Sundays are a great day. Where you can run up and down the aisles doing things like drawing a moustache on the Mona Lisa or sending slinky’s  up and down in the lifts to confuse them. Or making Lemon Bon Bon sweet circles so that on Monday morning the staff will assume the store has been visited by aliens, until they see the moustache on the Mona Lisa, then they will blame me…….. They did last time……..

So what did I do today well I re-potted a palm, that’s the plant not the part of someone’s hand; I have worked out that the Ghost Writers car has a hydraulic problem so may not need a new clutch; I dug a small hole and I defrosted a small freezer. OOOoooooo and I ate a pork pie . . . . . . YUM

I also discovered an ancient wooden monument designed to point at the moon in the early evening, I have not worked out what the exact significance of this monument was in the past, although I have reason to believe it was to do with harnessing the power of electricity from lightning strikes which was then used to light flares for the various Micro Gods of our ancestors, ancestors such as little old ladies testing umbrellas who would navigate using the light of the flares to avoid Zombies in ruby red slippers out walking their dog Toto, a small Japanese sheepdog that has lost its sheep somewhere on the notorious Curdsand Way.     

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Reuniouns, Proof of Aliens Breeding on Earth and Dogs

Before I return to tell more of the secret mission on the South Wales coast I must first let you know I have been close to the North Wales Coast today on what was a grand reunion for old school friends. I must also add that although I was there it was not a grand reunion for my school and I did not have a clue who anyone was, and they did not know who I was, although they all knew each other. It is odd being at the grand reunion of folk who have not seen one another for up to 40 odd years or so when you have never met them before, but they were all very nice people and I got to have a nice lunch, a hot chocolate and an exciting drive along some of the wettest motorways I have ever been on which was well scary….

So while on the subject of wet scary things I should show you my proof of aliens breeding on the beaches of Saundersfoot in Pembrokeshire, because it is rather convincing. And before anyone thinks I have been tinkering with the picture I can assure you I have not. The only thing I have not worked out is do these aliens remain tiny aliens in which case they can sneak about unseen, after all I did photograph those Nano-Alien spacecraft way back when and those two bits of evidence do rather link up rather well. On the other hand they could grow into huge aliens very fast and pass themselves off as members of the yacht club; in fact could it be the local yacht club is a front for alien activity.

Note the little Alien faces as they emerge from their shells

 One other small thing I noticed about beaches is they have a strange effect on two particular creatures on the planet; both go a bit silly when placed on a nice sandy beach, Humans and Dogs.  Is there a reason for this what is in both men and dogs that makes them run about on beaches digging holes and chasing balls, is the fact that a dog will see man as a god and god is in fact dog backwards significant. Could it be that we both emerged from the primitive earth’s sea millions of years ago at the same time, man throwing his first pointy stick at his prey only to have it returned by a primitive dog wagging his tail and waiting for a treat, did this lead to the hotdog (lead . . . dog . . . Hah HAHHAH ha hah ha hah ha hah ha hah hah ah ah ah ha hhhah hahah ha hah hah ha ha ha hahah ah)      

The spy, the magic candle, and a dog with three heads

Last night I mentioned that we had to drop off secret notes for Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy and leaper about to bouncy music, this was achieved despite all the wind and rain again, why does it keep doing this it is very very annoying.  There was much whispering and pointing by mum and Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy, then Miss Fionaski came and gave me a candle and I thought O OK COOL?  But I was told it was a magic candle, I have to admit I am always slightly sceptical of magic because of that Harry Potter, after we sort of fell out and he shouted stuff like annoyzizapptimus robbiosa and said I would turn into a mad grumpy compulsive scruffy bitter old blogger who spends his entire time writing total nonsense, misspelling and complaining about the weather all the time, and end up with the worst ghost writer in the world.  Well then Mr Harry Potter, you see I told you your spells are rubbish and all that magic was the figment of a deranged mind. Me and the very nice Steven Spielberg will laugh in the face of your deluded ideas of magic.

Anyway I was talking about a candle; because it was given to me by Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy who said it was magic I thought I better light it today because she would not say such a thing without a reason. And it has turned out to be magic after all well either that or it is an elaborate cunning spy device, because it glows and changes colour when it is lit . . . ..  WELL COOL.

At school I told Esmeralda about the magic candle or possible secret spy device but she was not paying that much attention because she had found lasts years physics A level project and was messing about with it. It is an Invisibility Cloak, you see that Happy Potter has a lot to answer for, anyway Esmeralda told me and Freddie and his ferret that she had been to the main hall, and in it was a huge dog with three heads talking to the headmaster. Mmmmmmmmmm I was rather sceptical about this as well, but Esmeralda is not one with a wild imagination she is more just wild so me and Freddie decided that we should investigate because as we all know all things are possible. Yes I know it is a well known saying and is just not true I have tried to eat a large tub of ice cream in three seconds several times and I know for certain it is not possible.

As we sneaked into the back of the main hall Freddie and myself looked at one another because there in the middle of the hall was a dog with three heads and the headmaster talking. Now when I say a dog with three heads it was the three headmasters from the local schools and the headmasters Pekinese, unfortunately we were spotted and asked what we were doing, Freddie has always said it is best to tell the truth so we said we were looking for a dog with three heads but the headmaster said we were IDIOTS and told us to write out one hundred times dogs do not have three heads.  Me and Freddie could hear Esmeralda laughing hysterically under an invisibility cloak until Freddie’s ferret bit her finger, apparently one of the faults of last years A level project is it is not invisible to ferrets, and it also turns the wearer bright green for several days after use. Me and Freddie did a runner after we told Esmeralda that but no one laughed on the bus home (much).  

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Entering a mini dark ages and the Geo-magnetic Solar Storm

It has been very dark and grey again today in fact myself and the dog have come to the conclusion that we may be entering a mini dark ages and have decided to take precautions, firstly the dark ages were also called the middle ages so myself and the dog plan to avoid short middle aged people. This is easier for the dog as all he needs to do is smile at them or eat them, but as half the school staff are short and middle aged, and I think middle class avoiding them is very difficult.  I am also a little worried by the continued increase in low energy light bulbs because they do not actually light anything up and I feel they must also be contributing to the fact we appear to be entering a new dark ages.  The original dark ages came about due to the fall of the Roman Empire and as we all know the Italians are in a bit of bother with the Euro, and takeaway Pizza is not what it used to be in the good old days. Then there is the Geo-magnetic Solar Storm predicted to hit Earth in 2013 blacking out all sorts of stuff. The good thing about this is it will be WELL COOL for my diary. But the bad news is my diary will have to be written in a diary with pages made of paper with a quill.

I am trying to sort out the Big Orange room at present so that I cam record myself drumming but there are millions of cables and bits which means it is taking some time, not helped by the fact it is rather dark outside. The weather has also affected the sun dial which has now said it is midnight for three days too, and my quality of writing has gone right down hill, but apparently culture took a bit of a knock during the first dark ages so it is too be expected. Anyway I basically blame the Romans, after all what did the Romans ever do for us. . . . . . . . Yes Yes I have used that old joke before but that was a long time ago now and its dark. . . . . . Really really dark.

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The phobia of putting up shelves . . . Pluteusiphobia

This is a very difficult diary entry to write, very difficult indeed, but not for any reason that might have come into your head, because lets face it when someone writes something like this is a very difficult thing to write people think of all sorts of stuff. But in this case all that, all sorts of stuff is the wrong stuff. You see Heavy Harry the Cat is a bit poorly still and he has settled down on my head. Which means it is far from easy to write anything, this and my known skills with a QWERTY keyboard plus my spelling skills can only result in the days events turning into gibberish. Which is not like me I am usually so concise and to the point, while on the subject of points I have to inform you that Heavy Harry the Cat still has pointy claws despite his present illness. The dog says if I just stopped moving about the cat would not need to cling on; easy to say when you don’t have a cat on your head.

So today was a day of practical subjects at school, as part of the new academy status they now teach pupils how to put up a shelf. Although both boys and girls are taught the subject it has been proved scientifically that each of the sexes approaches this task in very different ways. 

Men it appears have a bit of a problem with shelves and there is a new theory that men suffer from Pluteusiphobia the fear of putting up shelves taken from the Latin word  Pluteus, meaning shelf like (the dog told me that). I guess it explains why dad never puts up shelves. Women do not suffer from this and are happy to put up shelves but are normally scuppered by men hiding the power tools. This of course is not problem for Esmeralda with her interchangeable clip on power tool attachments and it appears she is a natural at putting up shelves. In fact she totally refitted the school Library and was given three gold stars and 300 house points, she is dead pleased and is now thinking of starting her own business called Shelves-a-go-go with the catchy logo ‘Have drill will travel’. I would offer to help but I think I might be getting Pluteusiphobia.

Anyway I will stop writing now because there is only so much any man can do with a cat sat on his head.

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The Alien, the Cat and the Glider....

Today has not been a good day for a diary because it has been very quite indeed, the last of the huge conifer tree has gone and the pile of large bits of conifer have been put under cover in the log shed to dry out in a pile. Yes I have moved a pile of wood from one place to another. Hopefully it will dry out fairly quickly because our wood shed has a toughened glass roof and double glazed sides, so when the sun comes out it warms up. I do seem to have been bitten by something now so in case I turn into an alien I have been chained to the wall. 

I don’t think it was necessary for the dog to chain me upside down to the wall though, suspended in the air, because it is not easy to type my diary in that position. And when my typing ability is a bit iffy at the best of times it does not help, but the dog says I have been bitten at least five times by aliens, so he is taking no chances so I will be surrounded by an electric fence later and trip wires attached to death rays (not the fish but the beam of stuff that kills).

I noticed the gliders were back again today, it appears we now live in a house that is underneath a rather popular location to release gliders from the tow plane. Luckily it is not noisy in fact the glider makes no noise at all, except someone possibly shouting AAAAuuuuuugghhhhhhhh aliens take to the hills and the little tow plane is not noisy. You get this sudden drop in revs as it allows a bit of slack in the tow wire just as it releases the glider at which point me and the dog put on rubber alien face masks to see if we can hear anyone shouting AAAAUUUUUUGGHHHHHHHH aliens take to the hills we have not yet. The dog is now hoping I might turn into a twenty foot mutant alien monster tonight so I can frighten the gliders tomorrow (if it is sunny).

In other news I have finally found a way of taking pictures of Heavy Harry the Cat without him getting annoyed although I can only get photographs of his side, but he always looks grumpy anyway so that’s OK.

I have also noticed that my rather brilliant blog has suddenly stopped getting visitors this week after getting nearly 4000 page views in the first three weeks of August. I noticed a marked increase in visitors from Brazil, who have been interested in my views on the Olympics (Not sure it was quite what they were expecting). Still I am putting this sudden lack of interest down to alien attacks. After all when an alien worm like creature is coming through your letterbox intent on eating its way into your body to turn you into one of him (an Alien) you are not going to spent time reading my blog……

I can’t think of any other explanation for this. And I feel a bit sick; eating chocolate coated Brazil nuts, hazel nuts and peanuts chained upside down appears to be a bad idea….. Strangely mum has just said IDIOT…

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The Alien Virus, Olympic Gold and the missing trees

I have had a better day today sort of, I woke up to the faces of the dog and Mr Jones staring at me, they say I have had an alien virus caught in the woods. I have a metallic green face and arms (although I did find two tins of car spray paint hidden under my bed later on). And I had grown antennae, but again later I noticed that the aerials from my short wave radios were missing and I found a used tube of super glue hidden with the spray cans. I think this may also explain why I appear to have rubber suction pads at the end of all my fingers.

I was not expecting to find Mr Jones peering at me with the dog but it appears the dog let him in through the window too show him my strange alien disease, although he did charge Mr Jones £150 to see me, and £25 a picture.

I am not sure what day we are up to with the Olympics now I think it is day five, and it appears to all be going to plan with the British team. How did that happen? This is Britain things like that don’t happen in Britain, it is not traditional; maybe someone should shout COME ON TIM. I am a bit out of all this so all I can say from what I know is three men rode round and round very fast indeed.  Some men went down a fake river very fast indeed, a man shot loads of clay things although I believe it took some time.

The bad news was a British woman overtook another British woman too soon and this meant they were eliminated, but a Chinese woman overtook a Chinese woman too soon and got silver. It appears if you are going to do this it is important to do it in the right race. This may explain why I was banned from the last egg and spoon race at school.

Finally I believe a lot of swimmers have been getting wet in the pool. I don’t think the British have been doing too well in the pool because of this (I have to admit I have sort of lost the plot with not being 100% so I may be wrong). But I am sure I heard a British rail team trainer explaining to the press that the reason was, it is the wrong sort of water. 

  

Oooooooo yes since I was last compos mentis two large trees have vanished from our garden, the dog and Mr Jones say ALIENS but mum has added IDIOTS. 

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The Aliens and the lumberjack

I have been outside today in the sun being a lumberjack. The first odd thing about this is the obvious one, there is the word sun included in that sentence. Yes its bank holiday Sunday and sunny, very odd particularly as all the weather men on the wireless told us it was due to rain loads and the sun is not due until possibly August. The second odd thing about this is as mum points out is I am a child and I am outside in the sun doing things, when I should be attached to a games consol killing aliens like normal children.

As it happens I don’t have any games consoles and if I want to kill aliens I’m sure there are plenty in the woods. Mr Jones says there are loads of aliens in the woods and he has been abducted several times and prodded with probes, mum says Mr Jones is an IDIOT which is odd because why would aliens abduct an idiot rather than a genius. But then maybe they don’t know he is an idiot and think he is a genius. I have suggested that to mum but she says that if the Aliens think Mr Jones is a genius then they are IDIOTS. Still they say there is a fine line between being a genius and being an idiot, so me and the dog are planning to investigate the woods tomorrow for fine lines. Assuming it is another hot day as the weather men on the wireless still insist it will rain all day.

I have learnt something very interesting today about lumberjacks. I have never been a lumberjack before (OK I might have, I cant remember we are talking nearly 300,000 words now). But it does not mean to lumber, as in chop up Jack with an axe and a chain saw…………AH.

Me and the dog luckily had plenty of super glue, and I am good at building cardboard robots out of an assortment of bits. I’m sure it didn’t help that the dog spent a while chewing his arm before mum shouted at us. Jack has run off (Limped) home now and seems fine (ish) well sort of. Although Jack was like those IKEA flat pack kits you get, there is always something left over that you don’t know where it goes. The dog says he will have it for his evening meal with a glass of wine and maybe some lamb. 
  

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Michelangelo and the Llanfasistine Chapel

In school we were discussing the weight of clouds, and I am not a fool so knew that clouds were in fact rather heavy things but then doing a bit of research on the internet via the ever present Google I found someone who said a Cumulus Cloud could weigh the same as 6000 blue whales. WOW. Of course not all information on the internet is correct but I decided that this was plainly true because it sounds good.  So the weight of the clouds over Wales in Whales must be greater than the weight of Wales, and probably explains why there are several narrow gauge Whale Weighs in Wales (HA HAH AHAHH HAH HAHH HAH HAH HAHH HAH HAHHHhahahaha ahh ahha hahaha)

Me and the dog had a go at summoning up the Ghost of Michelangelo a short while ago as I was silly enough to play Scissors Paper Stone to see who had to paint the awkward bits of the kitchen lying on their back. Yes we all know I loose ever single time. Now painting upside down on your back is not easy so I am interested to know how that   Michelangelo bloke managed it. As it turns out the Ghost of Michelangelo and the dog are mates so after a bit of dabbling in the black arts of Voodoo and spinning the cat over my head (I have since learnt the dog told me to do that just to annoy the cat) we had the Ghost of Michelangelo standing in front of us. I knew there was a problem straight away as he was standing in a white van holding an ice-cream, it appears he was Mr Michelangelo from Michelangelo’s famous Italian ice cream van which used to stop outside the Llanfasistine Chapel in the summer. Anyway he said the trick is non drip paint and a good brush. 

Photo of Monty fairs big ride thanks to Miss Fionaski

In general today it was quiet although back in the square in Montgomery as I write there will be the funfair machines eating children and money ( I avoid it now, since learning of the machines that eat children). I must see if Miss Fionaski will be adding pictures to her Facebook page as a cunning ploy to cover her meeting with other spies and exchanging microfilms.

I wonder if the Cyclone at the funfair weights the same as 6000 whales. ………AH apparently not mum has just said IDIOT 

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Professor YAFFLE, the dog and the YORSH

The letter Y, which I should have thought about Yesterday; Yet I didn’t, Why? Well Yesterday was Yesterday and like yourselves I thought You will think of something, your young youthful brain will be like that of a Hawk….Yarak (in good condition for hunting). But instead it is yarling (wailing; howling), I am sure tomorrow when I look back at yesterday (today) I will think yes your mind finally yielded a good yarn, but I am not there YET. The dog has just added “Yo ho ho and a bottle of Yorsh. O dear, if he is drinking that he will be well out of it.

The dog also says we could go and hunt yapok (an amphibious opossum of South America) in the yarpha (peat-bog) with a yataghan (a long curved knife) but I have said it might be easier just to Yell or yodel in the Yard. As it happens Captain Flint the Parrot is already in the yard shouting “Man the yardarm I spy yonder yawl (ship's small boat; sailboat carrying mainsail and one or more jibs) Ooo no its just a yuppy yacht…. Yah……….. HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR”

Dad is using yeast to create a ylem (in alchemy, substance from which the elements developed) and says if it works he can turn all the yoyo’s into gold but mum said IDIOT.............  Yes true but rather helpful.

It also appears the Yorsh has got the better of the dog and Captain Flint the Parrot because they are summoning up the dead (OK a deceased Norwegian Blue Parrot) with their new mate the yaffingale  (a Green Woodpecker). They have named him Professor yaffle  after you know who, and the dog is telling him “You’re my best mate in all the world You are”, but that’s Yorsh for you.

I can see someone yawning now so I will go ……. Yippee. 

Oooo what's in the dirty old bottle........

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Man's need to explore the unknown

It has been a beautiful sunny day today, the best day of the year by far and so me and the dog explored the inner depths of a clump of conifer trees which we estimated may not have been explored for at least a thousand years. It is places like this that small micro climates can evolve and within them entire worlds. So we were extremely encouraged by unknown foot prints and the remains of bones. The dog was convinced they were the bones of a creature as yet undiscovered by man too………. WELL COOL

As we battled our way through the conifers, it involved a lot a sawing and hacking with a machete by me, much to the disgust of the dog. Who complained that it is all well and good exploring the unknown, but to make a bloody great path through it rather messes the whole thing up. I did point out he is huge and was making a bigger path than me. So we put this destruction of the unknown microclimate down to progress, and mans need to explore the unknown.  We both agreed in the end a nice tarmac road would make exploring so much easier in an unexplored jungle, and maybe a nice café.

Anyway after a long hunt for further adventure and lost tribes, we arrived at the enclosure of a large strange white noisy beast .OK it was a goose we had gone in a huge circle and arrived back where we started, near next doors geese. It did give us time to do some forensic research on the as yet unknown bones; we even found what appeared to be the remains of a box. So we assumed that the bones were part of an ancient sacrifice to the gods and on closer investigation the box appeared to have the letters KFC written on the lid in what appeared to be blood almost completely faded with the sun and time. The dog says this stands for King Fenrir Camaxtli and he would know as he is not only from the jungles of South America but looks like a scary wolf too, so enough said.

Dad is pleased because (assuming the paperwork all pans out OK) the solar panels on the roof have made £7:25p today, I did say THAT’S COOL CAN I HAVE  MORE POCKET MONEY THEN but he said NO……. ……. ……. NOT FAIR. I even offered him the strange bones in the remains of its container with the KFC on the lid but dad said IDIOT so did mum as it happens. And the Dog has eaten the bones now. It a tough life being an intrepid explorer.  

YUM

A story of 200 words (think of this as The Potters Wheel)

I am just pointing out to those of you who follow me in cyberspace this little story is a story as part of some sort of competition it is not tonight's diary entry I still have to do that HO HUM anyway here it is a little story 200 words long and starting with Shadows crept across the wall ......ending in everything faded .............. and mentioning the word Orange? 

Shadows crept across the wall, they were round vague, I could hear little at first then thud thud thud thud it continued until I decided to investigate. But it was dark I had been sleeping and the shadows were the result of something in the kitchen. I could hear whispers and small feet moving about. As I entered the kitchen I found the cats trying to juggle Oranges, I’ve told them not to do that, but encouraged by the dog and the lemmings of Petrograd and the Banshees from the woods they were entertaining.  Cats are not good at juggling and so the oranges were rolling along the table and falling off the side onto an old Orange box (that’s a box painted orange not a box with more oranges in).

They had the fridge open to back light their stage, the kitchen table and the dog was helping himself to cold beer and even offering it to the lemmings of Petrograd, lemmings are a bit rowdy after a few beers and I thought I better close and padlock the fridge which I did very slowly and as the door closed, I said show over and everyone and  everything faded.........

the strange Alien mushroom creatures from Venus and a Labrador driving a car

A flurry of snow today and I noticed on the way home on the school bus that the hills are rather white, good for us young bouncy people but mum, dad and the ghost writer all said BAH HUMBUG. They were complaining that it is not meant to snow in the middle of January, right in the middle of the British Winter, after all their generation have spenty ears??? Sorry spent years working on global warming. And they think after fifty years of leaving lights on and running all the hot water and driving huge fuel guzzling cars it seems a bit unfair that they still have to endure snow.

Me and the dog like snow but today’s was rubbish (I blame global warming myself). Anyway when I got home from school a very nice man was looking at our roof and said that if we spend loads of dosh (that’s money to those of you outside the UK), he would cover our roof in solar panels. His main problem was he needed dad’s signature on some form, but as I told him forging dads signature is dead easy, I even proved in by signing the piece of paper he gave me so he could see how good I am. He said I’m a natural forger and was so impressed he got me to do two more and then he did a runner when he saw mum. So I told mum and she said IDIOT, I think she meant him for running away but I’m not sure.

I know it might sound a bit odd but I an sure I saw a Labrador driving a car today, I am not good a dog breeds and the dog said Labradors are rubbish at driving although they are better than  Pekingese who have problems reaching the pedals (hang on I told you that once didn’t I about Pekingese so you know that).

I have also noticed that the box with the strange Alien mushroom creatures from Venus appears to have something that is starting to look a bit like a strange alien creature from Venus in it although not really very mushroom like yet.

Finally we are off to Big Bill Greasy Fur Ball Café for a dam good meal tonight, and to be decadent by eating loads and to wave our arms about in grand gestures looking important. Maybe I won’t wave my arms about much I have a habit of knocking things over when I do that. As the chemistry teacher will testify, but how was I to know the stuff would eat its way through the floor into the office below. Which as it turned out was the headmasters. And once he gets use to not having hair I am sure he will be fine again, sort off.  

The hair of the dog or mushrooms on toast covered in dog hair

This morning we had to remove the bulb from the security light as it is still on, however in the light of day we have seen no mushrooms, yes and that includes looking in my mushroom growing kit. The dog is saying that is the way of mushrooms here one minute gone the next although in the dogs case that is normally a result of a large mushroom stroganoff with a drop of rum in it. It is not uncommon for the dog to say after his mushroom stroganoff those mushrooms were my best mates they were I’ll just have one more rum to toast them. 

The dog will normally follow this with mushrooms on toast to sober up saying it’s the hair of the dog which is sort of true as the mushrooms on toast end up covered in dog hair

The rest of today was fairly quiet although we did get to look at a tiny little car for sale that can do 3000 miles to the gallon and folds up so you can pop it in your wallet and save on parking. It was even automatic and had a boot (Trunk in the USA I think) that would hold a whole cat (well a small one not Heavy Harry). And I got to throw a load of cardboard boxes in a skip too.

Finally a bit of sad news poor old Poddy the dog who entertained and kept the punters happy at The Sun Inn died in his sleep after a long and happy life. I really think taking up staircase surfing at his age was not a good move, and he could have done with a couple of extra feet to stop. That’s feet as in length not as in feet as in attached to legs, although thinking about it maybe he could have done with a few of them too.

OK that’s it today things to do. places to go (no that last bit is wrong I’m not going anywhere now until the morning) 

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A bonfire made with secret Russian American and British political papers

We have had a bonfire tonight so that mum could burn some papers, she said they are top secret Russian American and British political papers about the exchange of information should planet Earth be invaded by Aliens. Anyway mum said this information is very secret and I must not write about it in my Diary …….. AH. Mum has said IDIOT now

I had to go up a tree earlier to prune branches (that’s as in saw not as in Prunes and Custard). The dog said I had to do it because I was expandable, that’s a bit odd I didn’t know I could expand, but I assumed that the dog must have thought the ability to expand could be rather useful up a tree with a bow saw.  Anyway (yes yes I know I say anyway loads) I asked mum about being expandable afterwards because no matter how hard I tried my arms would not get longer; but apparently the dog did not say expandable he said expendable. Well that was not very nice is it, and I have pointed out that the dog only exists because I write a diary in cyberspace in which he is a part. The dog says he would still exist even if I didn’t write my diary because all things exist within the infinite universes of an infinite multidimensional universe even the things that don’t exist although they do. …….. WHAT? The dog also pointed out that a dog does not get to learn Latin and Mathematics by being nice, well I know that is true most nice dogs seldom get past fetching sticks, doing novelty obstacle courses, waging tails and chasing cats.

No strange rainbows round the moon tonight well not so far, it was rather interesting last night seeing that I am starting to wonder about whether we live on the spot of some sort of light paradox what with all the sunsets, then the glowing greenhouse, and now rainbows round the moon. I am keeping my camera to hand now just in case something else happens. Because I am starting to suspect scepticism amongst you about these light effects …………… and other stuff.

Up is not up more sideways, I never thought about it until I noticed that the bonfire now looks like dads flame thrower. Its not dads flame thrower though, and if you look very closely you will see secret papers vanishing upwards (mmmmm sideways) in the heat as they burn.

By the way have you visited my other blog yet The Pictures of Rob Z Tobor it is rubbish 

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A quite Sunday at home

We were dismantling the last of a rather badly made built-in wardrobe today and emptying more boxes. I forgot to say yesterday that I managed to stab my hand with the IKEA allen key, they are not very sharp so it takes a jolly good stab to do that. The reason I mention it is because mum managed to stab her hand today with a knife.

The result of this is that the dog and dad say they are doing nothing now in case they get stabbed by it, on the grounds that these things happen in threes. I don’t know where all that things happening in threes started from one would assume it must have started in three different places, if the saying is right or the saying would be wrong from day one or as is more likely, day three.

One thing I have discovered is that cello tape makes a better plaster than plasters do, that can’t be right, but it is. The plasters I was using would not stay on my thumb every time I washed my hands or did stuff they would fall off well by the third wash of my hands anyway, So after the third plaster I used cello tape and after just a short time,  say about three hours my injury was OK. It is not much of an injury just a slight hole the size of an allen key (I am not sure how big mums is the cut not an Allen key), as hers is wrapped up in tape of some sort too.

It has generally been a quiet day, partly because it was Sunday, partly because for a lot of the day it was cool and raining and partly because we have run out of steam today. Now bearing in mind all the steam powered items that have been discussed and mentioned in my diary over the last fifteen months or so running out of steam is a bad thing. Almost as bad as that time I had writers block and had to write loads of random rubbish to get over it, PHEW I bet you are glad I got over that …….. (The dog has implied that he thinks my readers still thing I am doing that).  I have warned him if he is critical I will change his name to Rover (no not the car)

It is late now so I will away I have to be up early tomorrow I am off to see Napoleon Beelzebub in his Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. 

A song about Rover  .......WOOF?

BT, China, The first Poodle to climb Mount Everest and the burning of the church menu

Not that much happened today as everyone is well spaced out and all in all confused. The nice little old lady who did live in this house appears to have not let BT know she has moved, so we can’t have a new telephone number. But as things stand she is paying our telephone bill. The dog has asked if he could phone a Poodle friend in China who he met once on Mount Everest.

The Poodle had unfortunately been packed as fresh meat as a treat to celebrate the successful climb of Everest in 1924 by some British blokes. But when they unpacked the Poodle at the top of Everest the little beast did a runner seeing how he was still fresh and bouncy bearing in mind he had been carried to the top of Mount Everest. The Poodle told the dog these two men chased him round and round the top of the mountain for ages trying to stab him with a pointy stick with a Union Jack flag on it. As it happened the men were well exhausted and ran out of steam and then a blizzard started and they vanished leaving the poodle trying to work out how to get home.

However as luck would have it (for the poodle anyway) the dog was passing and dogs being dogs they had a chat and chewed a few bones, well a stick as it happens, as there was just the one with the flag attached to it.  The pair of them were then wandering down the mountain when they bumped into the two men, who on seeing the dog thought he was a Yeti, well he is huge with red eyes and big pointy teeth. So they ran off in the wrong direction again, despite the dog offering to help (why he did that in Latin is anyone’s guess, I think he thought if they were up there they must know Latin). Since then the Poodle and the dog have been friends although the Poodle decided to go to China as he was worried that a return to Britain might see him on someone’s dinner plate.  

Therefore the dog does like to phone the Poodle on the odd occasion to talk about old times and he thought, if a nice little old lady was going to pay, mum would be OK and let him use the phone. Mum has said NO and also added IDIOT.

One small and annoying thing about the timing of this move to a new house has been the fact the weather is rubbish. Dad even got us all a Chinese Takeaway on the way home to remind us of the Poodle and cheer us up, but it was rubbish too (the takeaway not the Poodle) although it did come from the Church, and not the Castle. And as mum said the Castle makes better Chinese than the Church, and has burnt the church menu ……….. It’s what all good Goths do I guess…

Lemmy, Motorhead, Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy and the Grimble Spin

It has been a day of as dad would put it “a bit of this a bit of that, let the Seagull nibble the fish tail, twist the Grimble Spin in the apple pie and glue the lip on the tea caddy”.  Mum often replies to dad’s quirky sayings  with IDIOT, so does the dog and so does the manager at the Supermarket.

Mum and dad went there today (the Supermarket) and dad said to the manager “you have been Balancing the can on the pot noodle, it will all end in tiers. You’ll find your two for the price of one will spoil the cook and a kettle watched will never sell. Dad said the manager was not paying attention because he thought Lemmy from Motorhead was running off with frozen legs of lamb (again). Silly manager he should know by now that it’s the dog and we all know the old saying “Never the twix turn dog and frozen legs of lamb if nay be bitten on own leg” so the manager apparently is limping a bit now.  Still the dog is enjoying eating the frozen legs of lamb.

Anyway when I got back from school I found a post it note from Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy in the kitchen. It was in code so I am not entirely sure what it meant but she said “there is a Wasp sitting in the room upstairs Watch out” and the note also said on it “Harry is staring at the wall up top”, well we all know what that means.

Anyway that’s your lot for tonight as the Angel of the Norse will not make herself and the dag said “time marches on an empty stomach”.  Although mum says Just get on with it Rob and don’t be an IDIOT. That hardly has the same poetic quirky and slightly confused image does it, not like “the feather on the wind flies further than the stone in the river although the stone may travel further given time”. And you can’t argue with that.   

Spatial awareness, the beach and roast Aardvark with a crunchy cheese coating for dinner

I decided to hide in the boot of the car and be a stowaway like on a ship so I could go to the beach this morning. Everyone got in and we set off after a while we stopped and I heard voices, then the boot opened and it was dad with a big plate glass window behind him and in it was the reflection of the Headmaster. Dad said you have to guess where we are and I said schooL.

The headmaster then said well done I am very impressed, I was a bit confused. Dad then went on to explain how we had been doing experiments in spatial awareness and that I would get in the boot and have to work out where dad was taking me by the movements of the car. The headmaster said he was so impressed that we were doing science experiments outside school hours he said I could have the day off. It meant I got to go to the beach, but I did say to dad that I only knew I was at school because I saw the reflection of the headmaster in the window but all he said was GOSH REALLY.

It was a great day at the beach and the dog ran up and down the beach chasing seagulls who were trying to eat Flipper the Wood Mouse I suppose because he is a small wood mouse. The sea was very calm and the only one of use that got to go surfing was Flipper as he only needs a wave three inches high as his surf board is only six inches long. He said he managed to surf over 50ft on one run but had to dive for cover when one of the seagulls swooped at him. While we ate our sandwiches at lunch time all the seagulls and jackdaws watched us in a long line there was loads of them but only one jackdaw was brave enough to come near us to grab a few crumbs, I think the dog smiled at them a lot and he is scary when he does that.

There was also a load of children from somewhere else who had a huge A frame device that the could walk along the beach with ropes but it did take about twenty of them to do it. One of them kept shouting and dad said if he was doing it he would have buried her in the sand for a while but mum hit him on the head with a sandcastle.

 Pirate Pete spent a long time running up and down the beach looking for treasure but all he found was a huge box of drift wood so he thinks we need to go to a beach with more gold doubloons buried in it next time although he did said it was great to be by the sea, we all agreed with that but then we came home. But we are off tonight to Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café for a meal so it has turned into an excellent day. I wonder if Big Bill will have one of those roast Aardvarks with a crunchy cheese coating and a blue curry sauce YUM

Elaine Kerley                                    Believe it or not, I know what a "boot" is. My Jaguar will tell me when my boot is open. I looked and looked until I found something "open" on my car! In the U.S., it's called a trunk! lol

I know transatlantic English can be complex I have run foul of it several times in the past. Boot Trunk or Bonnet, Hood (I think) even the humble car, we even have miles that are different lengths ours are a bit longer so our cars don’t go so fast. So if you were ever caught speeding you can say your car is a European car and was not breaking the European speed limit of the same speed as in Europe the same speed would be slower.  

Not sure I understand that and I wrote it

Albert Einstein the stick and the dog show

Pythagoras the dog has talked Mr Jenkins into letting him watch what he says is the greatest dog show on earth Crufts because we do not have a television.  It is very nice of Mr Jenkins to do that but the dog did say he would supply the cans of beer and crisps and popcorn so I think that is why Mr Jenkins is letting him go.

I just hope the dog is better behaved than last year when he watched it at Auntie Karen’s house she had to cover the television screen with chicken wire because the dog kept throwing empty beer cans at the tele and shouting RUBBISH. The dog is not impressed with some of the Crufts dogs saying they can’t do maths or physics and don’t speak 76 languages like he does and all they do is go WOOF and wag their tails. He was moaning for weeks after the show last year and said the overall winner would not have a clue who Albert Einstein was even if he threw a stick for it and said “the elliptical arc formed by the curve of the stick is a product of gravity time and space. Now fetch”. On top of that the dog was grumbling about the fact that Albert Einstein was rubbish at throwing sticks anyway.  It would be much better if the dog did not watch it but he recons you don’t get enough dogs on the TV but as both mum and dad tell it we don’t have a TV.

 At least the dog will have a good laugh at the agility section he has never worked out why the dogs weave in and out all those sticks when its faster just to run up one side and it is much quicker to go through a wall rather than over it. He also says it is all well and good for the owners to trot round the display ring like an idiot but dogs should have more dignity.  I do wonder why he does go and watch it each year but dad said its like supporting your favourite team who are really bad; playing some really good team and hoping it will all go right but it doesn’t, like Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest