How fast are we all going. . . . The Big Question

Have you ever wondered about how fast you are moving, well its time to think about this because it is important? Because it does not matter how slowly you try to travel it turns out you are travelling much faster than you ever thought. The average person walks about at about 3 miles an hour going backwards and forwards and eating stuff during pauses, it does not sound impressive. But of course the Earth rotates, so someone at the equator is rotating with the Earth at about a speed of 1000 MPH which is impressive although you need to remember you are only travelling 3 MPH faster than a slug and you might even be travelling slower that a slug if you are walking against the ration, so heading west I think. Of course you could be sneaky and stand on one of the poles (the Earth's poles not a long stick) and then you will just be slowly spinning on the spot.

Well that would be fine except the Earth rotates round the Sun which is why we have years so even sat on the North Pole you are still moving through space while rotating slowly so now we are all moving at 66,500 MPH. I mean that is fast but remember that slug is still sat next to you looking smug (A Smug Slug); all this speed it relative to everything else.

So far it has been easy even the slug is fairly chilled about this, although slightly concerned about how fast he/she is going but it is going to get much faster, you see the Sun is in one of the arms of the Milky way our own galaxy (no not the chocolate) and that is also moving as well as rotating and it appears that the result of all this is we are moving in relationship to the Cosmic Background at a speed of 1.2 million MPH.  Now that is fast, very fast and what it means that ever hour of every day we move 1.2 million miles in the universe so if you go out for the day, say shopping and arrive home 10 hours later your home has moved position in universe by at least 12 million miles. Now that is a long way.

And to make things even worse it might just be that the Cosmic Background Radiation that is used as the reference to tell how fast we are travelling could be part of a moving universe. And bearing in mind each step involves a huge leap in speed then we could be travelling seriously fast indeed within some sort of unknown dimensional thing. I say some sort of unknown dimensional thing because I reckon my guess is as good as that Professor Brian Cox chap, and yes he smiles a lot, but he is a clever bastard and that’s for sure (OOooo sorry about the word I had that Ian Dury song in my head)

What this does mean though is that you are never in the same part of the universe twice and nor is the slug even if you think you are because all the other stuff is moving too. You need to think of the universe like a huge motorway that we are hurtling along as fast as we can in the fastest car you can get, blindfolded and with no brakes. This is fine until say a goat or something similar (maybe an Armadillo) wanders out in front of us (you), when it suddenly all goes wrong and that is the End of Everything. It is also the point when you realise just how fast you are going as bits fly about in random chaos.

 Talking of the end of Everything . . . .  I have mentioned that the 21^st September is the End of the World, and now you know why . . . . . . . Damn those Cosmic Armadillos. 

A Brief Guide to the Principles of Evolution, Biodiversity and the Herd Instinct

I can hear some of you saying . . . How come we humans have two legs and two arms and a head and stuff. . . . .  and it’s a good question. You see it’s all to do with evolution and although humans are a smug bunch who like to say to every other beast on the planet Ya Sucks Boo the truth is we are not as unique as some would have you think. You see just think how many critters have four limbs and a head at the front end, and dispose of food at the other, the list is huge.  Even birds have four limbs; it’s just that two have turned into wings giving them a rather clever method to get about. Whereas in our case the front limbs are arms and the back ones legs, allowing us to do stuff like ride a bicycle and poke about inside our ears with our fingers or type blogs about Evolution.

Evolution of course is a long process it takes time. . . . (I say time but as we learnt previously time does not exist it is merely a ratio of the movement of individual things in relation to the movement of other things as defined by the movement of a particular object used as the standard. . . . . but folk call it time). . . . . . . . Man now sees himself as Top Dog in this process which is very silly as we are not dogs, and shows the foolishness of us humans.  You see mankind is a relative newcomer to planet Earth and some critters have been about for ages and there are more of them too. But in most cases these critters are small, big critters have certain issues in terms of survival, they need space, they are susceptible to environmental change and humans like to eat them or jab at them with pointy sticks a bit, as its fun.

Now as time passes evolution would normally predict that biodiversity will increase, but us humans are always keen to eat new species so most of the meal sized things are sort of becoming extinct.   One of the odder aspects of man is that we are critters of habit and could be classed as one of the worlds herd animals like Cows or Wildebeest, an old survival instinct from the days when we were shoals of fish and huge prehistoric scary things ate us.  This is why we tend to take revenge on big beasts now and get our own back by eating them, but our in built herd instinct is also why we all wander round IKEA and huge shopping precincts in a rather predictable way allowing ourselves to be brainwashed into buying loads of rubbish like plastic dinosaurs.               

One final experiment you could try yourself, get two friends to dress up in raggedy clothes and cover them in tomato sauce, then get them to stagger out of the public toilets on a busy street as you shout Lookout Zombies Zombies run for your life . . . . . .  I think you will find folk will run on mass in the opposite direction much like the Wildebeest do from a Chinese herbalist.     

Greenwich Mean Time, Body Clocks and Seagulls

It is a well know fact of nature that all creatures have an internal body clock; it is what ensures that nature does not fall into a state of chaos and is a key feature in the survival of life on Earth. It is what allows birds to migrate at the right time, animals to have young at the right time and it dictates the work and sleep patterns of all life on the planet.  It is also a well known, OK slightly less well known, but true fact that the internal body clock of creatures on Earth is slightly different to that of the present length of a day and year.  This is because the planet is slowing down, OK I might be wrong maybe it is speeding up I can’t remember, but slowing down is more logical as it looses energy.  In short nature and life has adjusted to the natural cycle of the planet, in nature a seagull can not look at its watch and say OOOOOOo is that the time, I should be on the cliffs doing my courtship dance and stealing Puffin eggs.

However one creature on the planet is stupid enough to mess about with the natural cycle of the universe with clever mathematics and light bulbs so that it can pretend that it controls not only nature, but time itself. . . OK one guess which life form we are talking about. . . . . . Correct, us, mankind. Here we are all peering at clocks (unlike seagulls) or iPhones going Ooooo is that the time I must go shopping and buy some puffin eggs for my evening meal.  We now have twenty four hour shopping, working, or leisure and strawberries in the middle of winter (although in general they are rubbish).

Here in Britain we can proudly boast that time on Earth was standardised throughout the world and fixed to a line in the ground at Greenwich, so called Greenwich Mean Time. The entire world with the exception of a few countries such as Ethiopia who insist on working eight years behind everyone else (I have discussed this before)  now use the time as set by Britain.

So what did we all do in Britain last night at two in the morning, we moved all our clocks forward by one hour making today twenty three hours long and messing with my head and internal body clock. Oh yes typical, Britain has moved to British Summer Time and in doing so has shifted us one hour away from the time that every other country (almost all)  bases its own time on. This is typical of us Brits although ironically it has no effect on Seagulls.

I will suffer for days now and will be wandering about in a haze looking like an IDIOT shouting . . . . Where are my Puffin Eggs and probably getting told off as folk miss hear what I say . . . . .  

I even took a photo of a tulip that has opened up today as proof that nature does not need man made clocks.

Rob Z Tobor's A to Z return (otherwise known as the Z to A) . . . . . Z stands for Zumtonians

Back in April I did that A to Z thing that many folk who blog do, and I did it in my normal jolly way then at the end of doing it and returning to the daily routine of writing daily in my daily diary I did say that I would do a informal no stress return from Z to A. All at my own pace and as and when I was in the mood.  So today I have decided that thanks to Mr Jones the Alien watcher combined with a remarkably quiet day (again); today will be the first day of the return journey . . . . Z, this does not mean tomorrow is Y because this is a slow chilled decline to A based entirely on my head…..

First I must say I did have a cracking meal last night it was brill……… So well done all at Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café. The best food in the world……….

OK The Rob Z Tobor one man accessional informal Z to A.

As we all know Mr Jones is a avid Alien Watcher stalking the woods at night in the nude come rain or shine; Ah OK it does not shine much in the woods at night, but you get the point. Anyway this morning he was very excited as he has found a gold disk in the woods with a picture of an alien on it and messages. It is all in an alien language (well it would be) but dad has cobbled together a Steam Powered Thermal extracting translation machine  so we are now able to piece together what the aliens are saying. Apparently speed is now of the essence as Mr Jones and the man on the News at Radio Four on the BBC are saying that there appear to be a large number of spacecraft landing in Britain mainly in the Home Counties (that’s were all the yuppies live by the way if you are not from Britain)

So this is the message on the gold disk

ZZaf Zafafho Zjafhojh….Zxx Z Zumtonians

ZSkh zprpu  zpiup zuiuiur zJJAo zzzafsiafisa zHH zOHEihe  zh zzzhjkdhojahah zahdjhdadhz zjh EAT zakjakfjlf zlkafjajf zljafkafl zgotoi zpfkajkjkjj zkj Pork Piez zsffjslkjflkfsdfk zk zzzzzlksfjlseisdi zjlsfk zjslkj zkjslfjslk zjlskjflkjfewiu zjksjlk zjk zlskfjlks zkjfskjfi zp ziph zpuspufu zj zkj z  zkkj zkj jellied Brains z zklsflkjslkjl zlkjkllksfiofuiu Roast legs YUM zapfsjfkj Zumtonian zkjkljlksjflflksjl zkjlkjiuiuiu z zkjslkflskfjlk zjlkjfljsl zipwp9ew9zrwiuzskjflkj  zksjflk zjkjslkj zk Starters zfjfkjfslkj zru zkjfslf kjlskj zlkjflskj zpsfjk zlksjlksfjlk zlkjsuiur zlksjfl kjlkjsflkj zlkjflkjsflkjiutiuil zksflkfsjl zkslfsksirsd zlk zlzksflhsiosdirfh zljkshfljhfs zosursdosh zjhhj zsjh zjhfjh  zakjhj zhdka zk Monkeys zlskjl zkJI zEIAOI zOAEl  zljdhjhdjh zljdhj zhjhdjhuu zuhahauhfuhuh zhafuhfauh Zumtonia zouhaouhfuhfo zozo zo oz zozo ozo ozo zo zo zo zo ozo ozoo ozo ozo zo ozozozo

ZHSJ zHOJHJH  zjhkjhafkjhajhfkjh ziufhuhf zhkjfhkjhfkj zhakjfhkjfahj zh Pointy Teeth zdajfkjalkj zjafllk zjaflkjafljfalkjlkj zk Sweet Chilli Sauce  zpajd zjafjajfiajijaf zjaofijaojfoj zojafojfaoo zajfojoafjjo    ZO OZOZO OZOo zoOZO OZOZOOZO ZO OZO zo oz oo zozozo zo zo oz ozo zo zo oz oozoz ozo zo oz ozozozo ozo ZAH  ZDAMN  Zasdhasdlha  Zaskdjalkd Z aldhaldhd. ZOZ OZOZO ozo zo zo ozo zo o z

ZZZZ Za . . . . .  Z Z Ztop

And after hours of hard work here is what they say after all they will be knocking on folks doors shortly or even as I type……

Dear people of Earth or as we like to call you, Dinner….. We are the Zumtonians.

Hello People of planet earth I guess you are a little surprised by our visit to you planet after all it has been a very long time since we were last here, back then several million years ago your ancestors were all covered in hair and quite frankly ruined what should have been excellent fresh Pork pies, but I must say the jellied Brains were lovely. We must have made an impact back then because you talk of Zombies eating Brains to this day, but get it right we are Zumtonians. Even the Roast leg was a little ruined because the Pork scratching was too hairy.  Anyway we are back and it’s a long journey and so as they say in the Movies . . . . . TAKE ME TO MY STARTER  (SORRY I MEAN YOUR LEADER), its any easy error I’m dead hungry I have hardly had a bite since leaving Zumtonia, I could eat a Norse HAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAH HAH HA Hahh ah hahha hah ah hah ah hah ahh aha h ah hhah aha ha Ha HA

Don’t let the pointy teeth put you off we are very nice really and have brought you gifts, like these large jars a Chilli Sauce which we though you would love to roll about in as a sort of marinade Oooo…. no sorry I mean a skin tonic product HAH HAHAHHAH Hahh ah ha hah hahhahahah hahhah ha ha ha. Right I think I’ll go and eat some commuters in a pie AH DAMN no I mean I will go and meet some commuters as they pass by, I love a nice Whine with my dinner HAH HAHAHH HAHHAH HAHHAH HAHAHH HAHH HAhha hah ah hah ah hah ah aha h ah ahahh aha ha hah ah ha hahh Ha ha ha ha.

Your’s Mr Z Z Ztop    

Well best not answer the door for a bit then I guess. . . . . . . PHEW 

This is called a BLOG-FEAST HAH HAHHAh hahah ah hahhaha ha hah ahha hah ahahhah aa 

More Evidence of Aliens (good stuff this time)

I know what you all thinking . . . . . You are all thinking what a lovely day so it is just not possible that Rob Z Tobor and the slightly eclectic group of misfits plus the odd ferret that represent his class in the grand cyber academy; his place of education, could accidently run into Aliens. Well you see even on a lovely day like today there are some things you just cant assume, and one of them is that while on the annual compulsory orienteering race that the geography teacher insists we all do on particularly sunny days (while he sits in the sun at the finish) Freddie and his ferrets will not stumble over alien remains, so they did… WELL COOL. We carried the alien remains back to the school although it was harder than we thought as Mr Jones kept trying to steal them and said it was unfair as he was the one who had spent years in the woods running about in the nude trying to communicate with strange beings.

At school the headmaster said the remains smelt and would not allow them into the school, I think it might have been Freddie’s Ferrets that smelt a bit, it has been a very hot day and they were eating curry and beans last night (a ferret favourite so I am told).  Anyway I have photographed the evidence so that you can see this is all bona fide evidence of alien activity on Earth, and I have even drawn the missing bits to give you an idea of what it may have looked like.

 In other news back home we have discovered a mysterious path that leads to another path which then leads to another path with then leads back to the first mysterious path. These secret paths were hidden by the three bishops who I chopped up the other day.

And there was also a curved digital message in the field next door from the aliens when I returned home, a clincher of their existence if ever there was one. The message according to Mr Jones said :-

Please return the remains of our comrade Stron G Armkneel (sounds Scandinavian to me), the first alien to step foot on Earth and who sadly was unable to return to our planet. And foolishly  went native breeding with ape like creatures, despite being warned it was a bad move and it would all end in tears two million years later……………..

Anyway I am not sure how to tell them Freddie’s Ferrets sort of ate the remains as they were a bit peckish after the annual compulsory orienteering race, I think we can safely blame the geography teacher, it was all his fault.