Aliens, interesting geometric shapes and large green monsters

Being a pupil; head boy as it happens (as you should all know) at a post modernist cyber-Academy somewhere in cyberspace, has certain advantages to that of a traditional school. You see on a hot sunny summer’s day when the students, and teachers for that matter are ambling about aimlessly bumping into one another and accidently sawing cats in half in the woodwork class, the health and safely officer can send everyone home on the spur of the moment. . . . So he did, on the grounds that he fancied a nice chilled day, I think more schools need to think like this it is great for student and teacher morale and a sunny day helps intelligence, (a well know fact).

At home I decided that it was time to attack and destroy three monsters in the garden three large green monsters known to all as The Three Bishops. These three monsters have been staring at us for some time now biding their time waiting for a loss of concentration so that they could pounce. Now none of us have got it in for Bishops in particular, but even a Bishop can be in the wrong place and so out came the chainsaw and I chopped then up and will burn the Bishops in the next few days. It is not everyone who gets to set fire to a Bishop.

In other news it appears that while I was busy doing battle chopping the arms and legs off Bishops aliens had left a sign in the fields to the side and behind us in the grass. Creating interesting geometric shapes which Mr Jones insists are telling him they wish make contact with the government and that we should phone the prime Minister and get him here pronto. He would of course do it himself but apparently they have blocked his phone and told him rather unfairly that he is a raving IDIOT, OK he might be a little over enthusiastic but not a raving IDIOT. And you can’t deny we have a field full of interesting geometric shapes suddenly turned up today out of nowhere.

Oooooo yes if anyone is wondering where the dog is at present he is on a sabbatical; being large and from the South American Jungle with red eyes and also fluent in Latin he felt he needed to go and chat to the Pope and advise him on stuff; and maybe nibble the odd saints bones to authenticate them.

Since dad reset the weather machine after the issue with the Big Red Button, the weather has been hunky dory here, I might press it again if things go down hill

The local Remembrance Day memorial service, a Bi-plane and The Great Escape

Today started as a lovely sunny day although it was rather frosty and so we had porridge for breakfast, this is something of a tradition when it starts to get cold, in our house (not cold in the house but outside) and so I think we can now well and truly say that we are officially in Winter.  Not sure exactly what I was doing this morning myself although I do remember dad swearing at a car battery that was meant to fit into his car after he changed the one that he was sold that turned out to be the wrong size.  Although the battery was the right size the bracket that holds it in place did not fit the new battery, why do companies keep changing stuff all the time there must be a good reason for it? Anyway after much swearing and throwing of spanners at passing pigeons it was all sorted and his car now has a new battery.

While all this was happening (I say all it was not that exciting really) there was a Bi-plane above our house that someone appeared to be joy riding in or what ever the aeronautical equivalent of joy riding is. It seems like an odd place to do it, above our house all that loop the loop and whizzing about in little circles and the like, because there was only us watching and I always thought they did stuff like that in Bi-planes at air shows with loads of people going Ooooooooo  . . . . . . .Aaaaahhhhhhhh (not AAAAAAAUUuuuuuuuuuugghggghgghghghgh). Then after a bit the Bi plane sort of flew off.

The next thing was a Sparrow Hawk flying round the house although it did not do loop the loop or any other sort of trick really and all the sparrows were hiding going AAAAAAAUUuuuuuuuuuugghggghgghghghgh (not  Ooooooooo  . . . . . . .Aaaaahhhhhhhh)

Then we had lunch

Then we went off to the local Remembrance Day memorial service at the local church, now to tell the truth we are not really church type folk but when you live in a tiny place and you are invited along, it is bad form not to go and do you bit.  It is also bad form so the dog found out to dress up as Rommel and drive round to the church in a tiger tank even if it is a life size cardboard mock-up propelled by a dog on a unicycle in a Rommel disguise. The dog was therefore locked in the kitchen with two cats watching him from cardboard boxes on stools each with a torch panning backwards and forwards to ensure he was unable to escape. Just so they did not get too bored we left a pummel horse, a baseball ball and an old motorbike in the Kitchen for the dog, and told the cats they were allowed to throw the dog in the coal cellar if he tried to get away.

When we got back and dad told the dog off after he (dad) fell down a tunnel called Tom we ate food and pointed at clouds in the sky and wondered why there were two suns setting in the sunset, that was a bit odd but I did get a picture.   

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The Bradley Wiggins Effect, a Strimmer, Heavy Harry the Cat and the Chicken

The summer holiday appears to be rapidly going at the speed of a speeding express train (no not slow I mean quickly) and I appear to be doing DIY and gardening every day, that can’t be right. This diary is meant to be the diary of an eccentric child of cyberspace, a Peter Pan character in a Harry Potter world only less sulky and moody and in an Adrian Mole Diary format. So all this DIY and gardening is fundamentally wrong, however I am working on it, and I talked the dog into eating a large alarm clock. Peter Pan had a large scary ticking beast, unfortunately I had not considered the fact that the dog would chew my alarm clock quite that much so it stopped ticking.  You can let a dog off once with that mistake but after he had chewed the fifth alarm clock I was a bit annoyed and had no alarm clocks left. In the end he swallowed my ipop in one go and spend the day busking outside the out of town supermarket singing the Ace of Spades (again, I know it’s a small world, things repeat themselves).

Meanwhile Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy is off today to the moon on a secret mission which I must not mention……..DAM……… Sorry I did, and Captain Nessman of the High Seas starts heading off for his adventure in China tomorrow.  I think I am allowed to mention that so that’s OK…….. …….. ……….. …….. AH No sorry……..DAM.

Heavy Harry the Cat and the chicken have sort of been playing although Heavy Harry the Cat was not entirely happy that the Chicken tried to nick his drink. Mum was out in her black Lamborghini and muttering about the so called Bradley Wiggins effect, this for those who do not know of the Bradley Wiggins effect is groups of unfit men on expensive bicycles cycling on the road and looking like a heart attack on wheels. I personally think it is best to leave this to Bradley Wiggins himself he is much better at it that the rest of us after all I would not leap out of a tall tree and flap my arms just because a pigeon does (yes yes I know I did try it just the once).

As for me I was gardening again, well after I stripped the strimmer down and rebuilt in which took half the morning to do, it was bought in 1995 and spent the first 10 years of its life outside regardless of the weather so it sometimes decides to sulk a bit. I once met the man who invented and designed Black and Decker’s first electric string trimmer in 1970 (the model #8200) but he never got the credit for the design which was given to an American the following year. Life is fickle (again). But this is all a distraction from the fact I have not done anything interesting today what so ever.

Oooooo I did catapult a dead pigeon over a fence……….

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Pine cones, and the vegetarian at the Olympic Stadium

Today I was sawing wood and collecting pine cones, one of the big trees that had to be cut down had loads of pine cones and they make great fire starters, and as it is due to rain tomorrow I was ordered to go and collect them all up. When I say ordered it was in fact a game of Scissors, Paper, Stone and the loser had to go and do it……….. So guess what. I was rather hoping the dog would help but he misheard and turned up with a van load of traffic cones, and was told to get rid of them somewhere sharpish. It appears he may have caused a bit of a traffic jam on the main road although he was rather pleased with his temporary contra flow system based on a progressive double helix three lane double box intersection with staggered filter lane control.

In other news someone was telling us that they had been to the Olympics and had a great day out, but it seemed that if you were a vegetarian then food was a bit of a problem. They think there may have been vegetarian food at the Olympics but sadly never found it so ate chips followed by chips and chips. Not the ideal choice of legacy for the next generation.  Although I love a good chip butty.

As many of you know I have various outlets for my humble diary one of which is a blog. Every now and again I get anonymous comments left on the blog by people who wish to remain  anonymous, sadly for them these are shifted straight into the spam box because well that is just what happens, I am not entirely sure why. However I was a little amused by the following comment made just before they said I should visit there website selling stuff…..

‘Ѕimply wish to say your artiсle is аs astonishing. The clаrity in уour рoѕt iѕ just сool аnd i could assume yοu're an expert on this subject. Fine with your permission let me to grab your feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the gratifying work.’

What can I say it makes it all worth while knowing a man doing his bit flogging stuff on the internet thinks I am astonishing; I am astonished to say the least. Although when he says ‘The clarity in your post is just cool’ I am a little suspicious, after all I work hard and being unclear and random about stuff. However I will be keeping up the gratifying work, for now…… 

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The Demented Deadly Dormice of Doom

Dam it appears the Department of Demons and Demonic Diseases has depressed dad saying we have a dodgy infestation of the demented Deadly Dormice of Doom in the dinning Room. Disposed of by  (Well Dropped)  by a Dutch Drunkard from his duffel bag; who had been drinking, and dancing  with the dog on the doorstep in the dead of night, celebrating the Death of the Diamond  Duchess of Demark in 1871 (hang on I know that year from the A to Z list). The demented Deadly Dormice of Doom have dug down into the dark dank decaying depths of the draughty dungeons (OK the Cellar).  Definitely adding to the difficulty and discomfort of a diabolically dodgy drove of deadly doomsday animals and Androids.

Mum says it’s a disgrace and has sent the dog down to dislodge them, (ARNOLD the ANDROID ANARCHIST, the Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia and The demented Deadly Dormice of Doom).

After much discussion and debate and a bit of despair, the dog has disembowelled a couple of the demented Deadly Dormice of Doom who have raised the white flag (a dirty white flag) and are departing dispirited and in dishonour. It appears the Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia is depressed due to a sudden downpour of deep snow (SNOW……..WHAT?????)  and the AUTOMATED ALUMINIUM AND ANTIMONY ARTICULATED ARMOUR plated ALBINO ARANEOMORPHAE ANDROID (ARNOLD the ANDROID ANARCHIST) is suffering from distemper and is asking for Doughnuts and Dolly Mixture. And says just because they look like the devil doesn’t mean they are degenerates and it is definitely discrimination of deadly demons and Androids. And that it is dehumanizing. ……….Well if you’re not a human, although I guess he was ANTHROPOMORPHIC

ANTHROPOMORPHIC hang on I’m back at A again how did that happen ……..Mum has added IDIOT (sorry Dimwit) …… I blame the snow.

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Hieroglyphics and the Headless Horseman and a Hobbit at Halloween with a Handbag on a Helter-Skelter

The Ghost Writer has been in his grey office today with his massed Herbaceous Herds of PC’s, so His mind is Hopeless. I was rather Hoping he was going to Help with the letter H but when I asked Him, He said Ho Ho Ho  merry Christmas. Me and the dog saw the banshees again this morning so they said they would Have a word with a mate and get Him to Head over to the school in the afternoon.

As it Happened we Had History and Hieroglyphics this morning, Horus Hates  Hieroglyphics and we had to Hide Him in the Headmasters Honda  Hatchback because He said I WANT MY MUMMY……………. During History we discussed Henry the eighth and his wife’s, Helen of Troy, Old Mother Hubbard.  Katharine Hepburn and Ho chi Min. ………….. Mum has just said IDIOT.  As it turned out Henry the eighth turned out to Have a close link with the Banshees mate …………. The Headless Horseman.

The Headmaster was not happy after yesterdays visit by the Gruesome Ghouls and Ghosts so I thought I Had better warn Him about the Headless Horseman, the last thing we need is mass Hysteria. What I was not aware of is that the Headless Horseman is the leader of a Huge band of Pirates and those of you who have followed my tale for a while will be aware that the teachers love pirates so by Half past three everyone was going HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR man the HELM and a Heave Ho me Hearty’s and lots of Hot Rum. The Headmaster said WHAT THE HELLS GOING ON, but everyone just said HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR again. The School caretaker was not happy as the Headless Horseman, (who apparently only turned up as a result his mate Captain Nessman of the High Seas hospitality)   was bleeding all over the main Hall, still the Headless Horseman’S pet Hyena licked most of it up (YUK). The Headmaster phoned the police but they said it was pointless turning up because that Headless Horseman is like that Harry Houdini bloke and will only escape faster that a Helicopter down a rabbit Hole? Or was it a hobbit at Halloween with a handbag on a helter-skelter. And besides you can’t Hang a Headless man its Hopeless

Mum made Homity Pie  for dinner so that was YUM

And the Ghost Writer and Heavy Harry the Cat say Happy Hogmanay

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Albert Einstein the stick and the dog show

Pythagoras the dog has talked Mr Jenkins into letting him watch what he says is the greatest dog show on earth Crufts because we do not have a television.  It is very nice of Mr Jenkins to do that but the dog did say he would supply the cans of beer and crisps and popcorn so I think that is why Mr Jenkins is letting him go.

I just hope the dog is better behaved than last year when he watched it at Auntie Karen’s house she had to cover the television screen with chicken wire because the dog kept throwing empty beer cans at the tele and shouting RUBBISH. The dog is not impressed with some of the Crufts dogs saying they can’t do maths or physics and don’t speak 76 languages like he does and all they do is go WOOF and wag their tails. He was moaning for weeks after the show last year and said the overall winner would not have a clue who Albert Einstein was even if he threw a stick for it and said “the elliptical arc formed by the curve of the stick is a product of gravity time and space. Now fetch”. On top of that the dog was grumbling about the fact that Albert Einstein was rubbish at throwing sticks anyway.  It would be much better if the dog did not watch it but he recons you don’t get enough dogs on the TV but as both mum and dad tell it we don’t have a TV.

 At least the dog will have a good laugh at the agility section he has never worked out why the dogs weave in and out all those sticks when its faster just to run up one side and it is much quicker to go through a wall rather than over it. He also says it is all well and good for the owners to trot round the display ring like an idiot but dogs should have more dignity.  I do wonder why he does go and watch it each year but dad said its like supporting your favourite team who are really bad; playing some really good team and hoping it will all go right but it doesn’t, like Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest