House Insurance, Floods and Huge Secret Pipes Underground

When we moved to our humble little house, OK it is not that small once you get in it, in fact it is about two and a half times bigger that it appears on the outside but this is all a distraction from the point of this post. You see when we moved here about four years ago our old house insurance company said . . . . OOOOO that post code is a low risk flood area so we cant INSURE your house, but here is the name of one that will . . . . Well it was a bit of a worry, but the new company insured it OK at almost the same price provided we had a £7000 flood excess. Well I looked and scratched my head trying to work out how the house could flood which seemed rather unlikely, but we got insurance cover and all has been well until the start of this month when the insurance company wrote to us and said. . . . OOOOOOOO look we need to increase your premium a bit because you are now in a high risk flood area . . . . . What I thought . . . .  how did that happen.

Well they wanted to increase the premium by more that twice, which to my mind was madness. I mean I have never worked out exactly how a house where all the fields to one side of it are between 10 and 50 feet lower and head gently downhill for several miles and there is no high ground above us, is actually going to flood.

So I thought OK I will research this and checked the Governments Environmental Agency website flood maps and had a good chat with all the old locals, who remember the old days of biblical flooding and plagues of frogs and the like. And when I did this I discovered that rather that being a low risk flood area we are in fact a no risk flood area.  So I have been complaining to the insurance company about it a bit , but a man said . . . Oooo but the thing is your house sits on the ground and so water might seep into it from below, or there might be a huge water pipe below it that no one knows about. . . .  NO I am not joking he said that.

In fact it appears that insurance companies now fear flooding a great deal, probably due to some of the big floods that have happened in recent years in areas where there is a flood risk. Not in a small village on a hill where there is no flood risk unless most of Britain has vanished under water. So I have removed the flood insurance from our house, because it CAN NOT flood and have saved over £600 by doing it. OK if the washing machine decides to go . . . OOOOO I don’t feel well . . . BLAAaaaaiiiirrr and is sick all over the utility room it appears I am still covered. But I am not covered if the secret huge water pipe hidden under the village that no one knows about decided to burst and all the water seeps up though the floor.   Had my house not been attached to the ground then everything would have been fine. . . . I think not, I like my house attached to the ground to me that seems safer.

One small but very ironic point is the main office of the insurance company according to the Environmental Agency is in one of the highest risk areas in Britain for flooding, next to the River Thames. Although I am told they are not worried about it as they have a huge secret pipe leading the water away, where it will be dumped in a small unsuspecting village in the middle of nowhere.

I also went to IKEA today but that is another story.

Link to Environmental Agency Flood Map       

The Sad End of Crop Circles, but the Arrival of the New Water Circles.

Mr Jones several times lately has been lamenting the times back in the old days when aliens could communicate with folk on Earth using crop circles; when crop circles were simple affairs with subtle messages asking if we were friendly, and did we mind if they were to come down and eat us all, well maybe not all, but certainly all the politicians. But then hoaxers started making fancy elaborate crop circles that looked all very clever but had more to do with art installations than a simple alien message, which in turn annoyed the aliens resulting in them saying they had, had enough and were going to go off to sulk. As they said, no one likes a smart arse human ruining a decent cornfield pretending they are aliens, particularly aliens.

However he cheered up this morning with the discovery of an alien Water circle on our drive, he says it has all the hallmarks of the original circles and is plainly the work of alien intelligent life.  And although it has been some time since they last communicated with mankind they say that we appear to be rubbish still at picking leaders. Well I must admit I do agree with that most of them just seem to cause trouble for us ordinary folk in the street with their mad plans of power and corruption.

Apparently the message also said that the rumour that Zombies have an aversion to Grannies almost indestructible old carpet is just not true, and that they are far keener on the retro granny look that most people realise and that I should hide that carpet pronto.

So I spent the day hiding the carpet, then later on Mr F arrived as he is spending the weekend with us so I have been chatting and am therefore a little late with the diary . . . . . Sorry about that…..

The worlds largest Steam Powered Goldfish and the Ghost Writer

The Ghost Writer has seen the highs and lows of being a hunter today. He had decided that he was going to use his hunting skills to get into the Guinness Book of Records today, so went of to catch the worlds largest goldfish. It took some time but he arrived back triumphant and proudly posed for photographs, unfortunately dad made the mistake of pointing out that the goldfish was in fact a Steam Powered Goldfish with an auto gyroscopic floatation chamber (swim bladder) and an electro-magnetic current indicator and solenoid operated fins.

The Ghost Writer said he was wondering why they were pointing and sniggering at him at the fishing club, he had put it down to jealousy and now it appears he has made a fool of himself again, and even worse has the man from the Guinness Book of Records turning up in the morning to measure the goldfish.  Dad did point out that sitting next to our pond with his fishing rod made it very likely that catching a Steam Powered Goldfish was always going to be the outcome as there are no real goldfish in it, as the Heron with the bent beak will testify.

Ooooo While on the subject of Herons did I mention I saw a 15 foot high heron while we were driving back from IKEA last time, that was a bit odd.

As for myself today I have been a lumberjack cutting down the hedge and weaving it back into the hedge in the old tradition of the old hedgers. Well not quite in the old tradition of the old hedgers because that can be rather hard work so me and the dog sort of stabbed the hedge with all the bits we cut. It works almost as well as all that weaving although the hedge does look more hedgehog like than that of the professional hedgy people. I think in the ancient days of hedging they must have started in the same way I have done hedging because the hedge does look like a hedgehog so I can only assume the hedgehog was named after a hedge that looked like the hedgehog. It’s a bit like that chicken question . . . . .. Which can first the hedges or the hedgehog?

We also discovered that or little pepper plant was not a pepper plant at lunch time when we had some slices of a pepper in our sandwiches and discovered the pepper was in fact a rather hot chilli (WELL COOL sorry I mean WELL HOT).

It also appears that solar panels do not work so well in the winter and washing machines do not all leap about trying to kill the cats and can even be rather quiet, not sure how long that will last, it’s like new cars. They can be really quiet then after a bit they start to squeak a bit, and before you know it you need earplugs.

OK I am off now to do exciting things like dismantle a thing . . . . . . . . . It’s a man thing. When I say it a man thing I do not mean the thing I am dismantling is a man thing, I mean men like dismantling things, so dismantling things is a man thing . . . ..  Although we do not always put them back together because that is not as much fun.

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The Rio Olympics, a Bath, and Jelly Fish......

I have not mentioned the weather much lately, partly because dad got paid loads of money to ensure that the weather during the Olympics was good, but he also got paid loads of money to ensure it was rotten too. So he has worked hard to achieve both; and done a rather good job of it too if you ask me.  However today was too hot here by far, I have tried to cut some more of the grass but it is not easy when it is this hot. It grows rather fast when it is both hot and wet so will need cutting again soon. I also got to fix a sewing machine that someone had taken apart to see how it came apart, it is a tempting thing to do take things apart, and I do it all the time. There is a real sense of satisfaction putting it back together and finding you have managed to save three parts and a few screws and it still works, mostly.            

I feel I am now 95.45% back to normal which is not bad, after my bug and seeing the accountant yesterday, cutting grass  and dealing with a very hot day today, if I keep getting better I will be on course for my own Olympic gold in the next Olympic games in Brazil? (I think it is Brazil, OK yes Rio). I thought I would train for the Cracking Brazil nuts with your Teeth Competition; I know the dog can beat me dead easy but he is a dog and therefore banned from competing. The dog says its discrimination but I said it would be the same as a seagull doing the long jump, or jelly fish in the synchronized diving competition.

As part of my training for my sporting career as a famous Olympian I was lying in the bath holding my breath underwater. This gave me the opportunity to take a picture of the Ghost Writer taking a picture of me, using my underwater camera. Just after I took this picture however the dog said he would help and held my head under the water for ages, he said it would strengthen my lungs.

It appears the Brits won some more medals today too and it appears a man who can run very fast, ran very fast but not as fast has he can. And another man who can run further very fast ran very fast as well in fact faster than anyone has run before so WELL COOL.

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