The Tale of Mr Ratty

(37 . . .)

We saw Mr Ratty again a few days ago so reluctantly I had to put poison in Mr Ratty’s home. Well I had to make a rough guess at his exact home. My problem is I am trying to avoid poisoning other beasts so where you put poison is very important indeed. Over a period of several days I had no sightings of our furry friend until earlier today when a large ratty beast turned up to eat the bird food. So once again I put some poison where I thought he was . . . . . . Under my workshop . . . . Typical. Well I guess it is getting used . . . . .

Then a few hours later when I went on patrol I found a dead Mr Ratty. I do feel bad about this but my wife hates the beasts and to be fair they will breed quite fast if they get the chance. So I picked up Mr Ratty by his tail and thought I would dispose of him in an old composting bin to avoid him entering the food chain and killing off other critters. 

On dropping him in it, I discovered he was in fact just very poorly and not dead which explained his still floppy state. This left me with that terrible dilemma, to ignore the poor beast or put him out of his misery. So I did the right thing . . . . . Sorry Mr Ratty but I did say sorry; so he has gone to meet his maker now.

Well I think that is enough for now I will be busy for quite a few days but will be back soon to tell you all about it. . . . . . Assuming I remember because my brain is rubbish.

 .  

The European Elections, Mrs May. An Android and a Rat

Here in Britain we have been going through the European Elections and the demise of Mrs May who finally said  . . . Oh Poo  . . . and has resigned. I don’t entirely blame her, after all she was trapped in a political mess with no real solution. Unfortunately her attempts at solving an unresolvable political mess involved trying to do the same thing each time. We have all been there at some point. Putting our pin number in the cash machine three times only to realize as it confiscates it, saying you are very naughty, that you have used the wrong pin. Anyway Mrs May was hoping to get a fourth go at using the same pin number, but as we all know that is not going to happen so she is now standing on the naughty step.

I tried to warn her about the flowering bamboo but she laughed and said I was a mad dishevelled peasant of the masses destined to scurry about in the hills away from the thrill of political life and power forever. Phew that’s good. . . . . . And it seems we both are now.

Now while on the subject of the curse of the flowering Bamboo I did something to my back a couple of days ago which stopped me from doing any work on the workshop. I was struggling just standing up at one point and could not reach the floor. Not easy when you want to put shoes on and the like. Luckily, although still a bit sore I am now moving about normally so folk are not sniggering at me and calling me the scruffiest android on Earth.

Then yesterday to add to the curse, the entire family descended on our house to eat sausage and bacon butty’s, fruit and cream and cake. To make matters worse some of the left over sausages were wrapped up in foil and taken away by folk to eat later leaving me with just enough for a sausage butty at lunch time today. I have now had to resort to eating the fruit covered in cream . . . . I need the cream to counteract all that healthy fruit stuff. Folk never run off with all the fruit.

Our new neighbours are young and keen and doing a great job of tidying up what is a sort of small holding and former mill. The drawback is they have made the resident rat population restless. The old occupants of the building didn’t seem to worry so Mr Ratty just remained there among the crumbling walls. But we have had a couple in the garden stealing bird seed, so I need to resolve the issue in a friendly way (after all they have their place in the eco system) as my wife hates the little (well not so little) critters. Apparently they are attracted to Bamboo flowers and keen on things Doom related. . . . . . . . DAMN.

Something of no interest to anyone what so ever

In order to post a little something tonight in order to keep the momentum of the blog going I have randomly selected an old post from the past which is probably complete gibberish. But I am tired and need some sleep and maybe a few days of sunshine, but I may have to depend on the Gods for that one. . . . . . not the sleep I can manage that fine.

So here is an old post and one with a hidden message hidden within it . . . . I know no one paid much attention to the hidden message the first time round either.

     


THERE'RE BACK . . . . . . Well when I say back I’m not entirely sure they have been here before although Mr Jones says they have, and he knows these things even though the general view is he is as mad as a hatter.  Yes last night after going to bed what should start happening but those lights again a rather strange and eerie glow round the house, and despite me getting up to investigate I could not work out what it was. Then as I decided to return to bed who should I spot hiding in the shrubs watching the lights but Mr Jones, it is not like Mr Jones to hide he is usually running about naked with his large sign saying I am your Friend; as I have said many times before.   But it appears that on this occasion the aliens are according Mr Jones seriously unfriendly aliens known as the Rat people (from Eaglefleebite 7) who look like twenty five foot long Rats. Well that sounds unfriendly to me, apparently they eat all your skirting boards at night plus your legs and maybe your nose and will chew the odd finger too. So if you wake up in the morning with no skirting board a chewed nose and the odd limb missing you will know it was the Rat People of Eaglefleebite 7 led by their notorious leader Big Boris.

I would like to reassure the public that the Rat People of Eaglefleebite 7 are not the same as the members of RATs (the Radical Abstract Thinkers) who do not go about eating the  skirting boards in folks houses so don't start shouting at us and throwing stuff at us like cheese (not unless it is a good strong cheddar). Us members of RATs (the Radical Abstract Thinkers) have enough problems with our own arch enemy the CATs (the Common Average Thinkers) who start terrible rumours that we make stuff up and exaggerate and that my diary is nonsense and that there is a really boring explanation for all the lights at night and that a twenty five foot long Rat Person from Eaglefleebite 7  would not fit through the front door of the average house so it is unlikely to eat skirting boards and that at best it would be a ordinary mouse that say a cat (as in a real fluffy cat) got bored with and gave it a few minutes to try and escape before biting its head off. You see those CATs (the Common Average Thinkers) have no imagination and will never get to meet huge rat based alien life forms with pointy teeth from Eaglefleebite 7 that eat folk, and they will live to regret that one day . . . . . . .  . . . . . I think?

Three short Poems for Christmas . . . About Santa, A Rat, Algebra, and a Frog . . .

What happened to Santa?

Once upon a time

A long long time ago

There was a chap

Who liked the Snow?

And Shouted Ho Ho Ho

He sat small children

On his Knee

And jiggled them about

But the Police

Have now arrested Him

And say

He is too dangerous

To let out



The sad end of a clever RAT

I had a pet Rat

Living under my Floor

He was very Clever

But he did like to Gnaw

I taught him to Count

To almost Eighteen

But at doing Algebra

He was not very Keen

Then one day I asked Him

To work out

A(B*C) in his Head

So he leapt into the Mouse Trap

And now my pet Rat

Is a bit sort of

DEAD

Santa and the Frog

A Chinese Chap once said to me

SJK  jkSKJG LIUQW  

So I shock my head and tried to agree

But he pointed to a traffic sign and said

gfkjhp6779pdf

And then he looked at me

So I gave him a Frog

Which was big, and White, and Red.

But the Chinese chap shouted

something else,

I did not know

vbvc,jhgsdsfe iriwu erfddg

And in a cloud of smoke

The frog turned into Santa

And we all Shouted

Ho Ho Ho

A Party Political Post involving no Zombie Poetry or Harry Potter

Dear comrades I say comrades because this is a Party Political Broadcast (post) by RATs (Radical Abstract Thinkers) or as it has been pointed out by Mr H . . . . PRATs as we are the Political Radical Abstract Thinkers. Well thank you Mr H for pointing this out to everyone in cyberspace, a note has been made on your file. 

Now the reason we are speaking (typing) to you today is that it is time I mentioned the terrible plight of the Syrian refugees who are risking all to escape their own country. Of course in an ideal world we would all welcome them with open arms and help as many as we can. But it is not a perfect world by a long way; if it was then they would probably not need to leave Syria which if it had been run fairly over the years should be a lovely country. Sadly it has been run corruptly and if you add the various wars that have taken place in recent years in the surrounding countries has been in a state of chaos for a while. 

The result is the Islamic extremist group IS (ISIL or ISIS depending on who you are) plus various other groups including the Syrian Government are involved in a complex war that is spilling over to other countries and appears to show little mercy to the ordinary people of the region.

So the ordinary folk of the region are left with the option of staying put and living in fear of death or leaving with their families and heading to Europe where there is a chance of a better life.  From their point of view the choice is simple, Europe is the land of opportunity where folk are treated fairly and everyone can achieve great things by working hard and people are not left by the wayside to starve and beg or exploited by the corrupt authorities.

As we all know the expectations of the refugees and the reality are rather different and as they enter Europe having been robbed by traffickers and putting their life on the line to get here. They then find they are now just a number in a political tussle as each of the European countries tries to avoid any commitment to help them.  Britain should do its bit and take its fair share in my opinion, as the political instability of Syria and the surrounding region has not been helped by our countries intervention in the politics of the area. 

The Prime Minister Mr Cameron has said several times now that Libya, Syria and Iraq need to find solutions, and yet he appears to do little to find one except help bomb the Extremists of IS. 

Now you might be waiting for me to propose a brilliant solution to it all and come up with a master plan no one has thought of. . . . . AH DAMN YES well sorry about that I don’t have one. But I do think Europe should do more to help those who are risking death to get here and Britain should do its bit and show we are a compassionate nation.  The Syrian refuges do not want all our benefits so they can sit about all day watching TV all they want is the opportunity to live in peace and without fear and where they can work and achieve the best for their family, as we all do.

Tomorrow will see me return to the core subject material of my blog which as we all know is gibberish Zombie Poetry and a bit of Harry Potter and his Mites (sorry Mates).

Remember Vote for PRATs  . . . . Once again many thanks for this Mr H . . .

  

The Most Boring Blog Post . . . . . . in the World

It is plainly clear that my blog has suffered from the side effects of my Man Flu which continues to suck the life blood out of my brain making it difficult to be motivated and bouncy.  Add to this the fact the weather is not the sort of weather that a grumpy bloke feels motivated and bouncy in. Yes it’s cold and wet and the remains of the bit of snow we had can be seen on the hills around us. It was not enough snow to make a Snow Dog or Snow Zombie with or do much at all except look out the window at and go YUCK. This is what myself and the cats did we looked out and went YUCK.

In order to alleviate some of the irritating cough I presently have I bought a bottle of a Vicks cough mixture for irritating coughs which seems to work but tastes like liquid Vick. Someone did suggest covering my feet in Vick at night when I go to bed, sticking a pair of socks on to avoid a rather nasty mess of Vick all over the bed. They said it cures everything but I am by nature a grumpy disbelieving cynical sceptic so have no plans to do this unless all else fails.  And anyway none of you are interested remotely is any of this or the fact that the bathroom plumbing sort of played up last night at 11:00pm in the evening and so I was grovelling about swearing at screwdrivers and bits of pipe and the like.

The good news is that we are off to have a meal tonight at Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café, the greatest eating establishment in the world. I am not sure what I will have yet as it often depends on how Big Bill is feeling at the time, as is the prerogative of all great chefs

Only a short time ago I removed the very last bit of yellow wallpaper from the walls of what will be our new posh living room. It has taken much longer than planned to do partly because I have Man Flu and partly because its building work which as we all know always takes longer and costs more than expected.

So there you have it this is the words most boring blog post, but it keeps you all up to date with the events close to me. Well some of them I am not going to try and explain about the LED lighting and the small flock of seagulls hiding in a tea chest singing old Beach Boys songs to a Mole.

Oooo you will note as I predicted television companies are getting excited about the election already with talk of a seven way leaders head to head (oooooo that will be fun) and the Queen is still alive but you don’t see her about MMmmmmmmm.  . . . As for Marks and Sparks . . . Well, read my predictions? 

And we have mice but not by choice, sneaky critters.

C is for the Curious Case of the Computer Update

Late last night myself and Mr Jones dressed up in camouflage armed ourselves with pointy sticks and a selection of large blue blocks that Mr Jones said were his secret weapon and ventured out into the night to defend Earth from the Rat People of Eaglefleebite 7. Mr Jones said if we could catch Big Boris and entice him into eating some of the blue blocks then it was game over.  Of course the best laid plans of mice and men or should I say RATs (as in Radical Abstract Thinkers) and men never go to plan (it is another stupid saying), and the Rat People of Eaglefleebite 7 did not turn up there was not a single light anywhere to be seen. Mr Jones said it was very annoying and also extremely curious indeed.

On the subject of curious things, what did happen last night which most folk would not think about much was my trusty old PC did a Windows Update. OK I can hear you all type, SO WHAT, but this old PC runs Windows XP the now dead operating system which I recently rallied round to support with my We Love XP campaign . . . . Keep Windows XP Undead. . . . 

I had started to think my efforts were scratching uselessly at the Big Gates (affectionately nick named Bill) of the huge Microsoft corporate body, but maybe not. Could it be that a member of the almost unheard of elitist Keep Windows XP Undead Gorilla Movement has gnawed their way through the skirting boards unseen and in the best tradition of Moles now sits at the heart of the Microsoft organisation?  Sticking their head above ground to create another little mound for us to scoop up before vanishing back underground to hide in the labyrinth of dark tunnels (Microsoft really should spend more money on lighting up those corridors.

 Of course if the elitist member of the Keep Windows XP Undead Gorilla Movement sticks his head above ground for too long folk will say things like . . . . . . . . .  What is Brian from Software Development doing eating the skirting boards . . . . . .and . . . . . . O my god have you seen the large deposit he has left on the lawn. You don’t think maybe he has turned into one of those Rat People of Eaglefleebite 7.

Anyway this is long enough now for a daily diary entry so I will go leaving you with the following questions.

Is Brian one of the Rat People of Eaglefleebite 7 rather than a Mole? . . . . . They look similar

Is Windows XP still one of the Undead?  . . . . . . . . (WELL COOL)

Will Big Boris return tonight?

Why did a man called Mr Gates call his operating system Windows, does he have a buildings fetish? 

Why would some mad bloke start working his way through the Alphabet all over again? 

B is for Big Boris is Back and he is not alone

THERE'RE BACK . . . . . . Well when I say back I’m not entirely sure they have been here before although Mr Jones says they have, and he knows these things even though the general view is he is as mad as a hatter.  Yes last night after going to bed what should start happening but those lights again a rather strange and eerie glow round the house, and despite me getting up to investigate I could not work out what it was. Then as I decided to return to bed who should I spot hiding in the shrubs watching the lights but Mr Jones, it is not like Mr Jones to hide he is usually running about naked with his large sign saying I am your Friend; as I have said many times before.   But it appears that on this occasion the aliens are according Mr Jones seriously unfriendly aliens known as the Rat people (from Eaglefleebite 7) who look like twenty five foot long Rats. Well that sounds unfriendly to me, apparently they eat all your skirting boards at night plus your legs and maybe your nose and will chew the odd finger too. So if you wake up in the morning with no skirting board a chewed nose and the odd limb missing you will know it was the Rat People of Eaglefleebite 7 lead by their notorious leader Big Boris.

I would like to reassure the public that the Rat People of Eaglefleebite 7 are not the same as the members of RATs (the Radical Abstract Thinkers) who do not go about eating the  skirting boards in folks houses so don't start shouting at us and throwing stuff at us like cheese (not unless it is a good strong cheddar). Us members of RATs (the Radical Abstract Thinkers) have enough problems with our own arch enemy the CATs (the Common Average Thinkers) who start terrible rumours that we make stuff up and exaggerate and that my diary is nonsense and that there is a really boring explanation for all the lights at night and that a twenty five foot long Rat Person from Eaglefleebite 7  would not fit through the front door of the average house so it is unlikely to eat skirting boards and that at best  would be a ordinary mouse that say a cat (as in a real fluffy cat) got bored with and gave it a few minutes to try and escape before biting its head off. You see those CATs (the Common Average Thinkers) have no imagination and will never get to meet huge rat based alien life forms with pointy teeth from Eaglefleebite 7 that eat folk, and they will live to regret that one day . . . . . . .  . . . . . I think?

The Addman Interview (The Pre Ebook Pre lunch (sorry launch) Interview . . . . .

Welcome to the Addman Interview (part one), an in depth interview by me ROB Z TOBOR of fellow blogger Mr Addman about Life the Universe and Everything, getting the answers to the questions that we all need to know. Questions like who is this masked crusader AH I forgot to ask that question, but I have asked loads of questions and he has responded with loads of answers. Well I hope so as this is a cyber interview, not an eyeball to eyeball interview, so if he has not responded then this interview is rubbish.  Although I can make up answers if I need to (only kidding Mr Addman) . . . . . . . . . Phew got away with that one.

Qu 1                 Well Mr Addman here we are and many of my readers will be keen to hear about your forthcoming efforts to produce your very own Ewok. With all this talk of a new Star Wars film I can see why you have decided to do this, a clever move indeed.

I'm glad you think so.  I first had the idea when I witnessed an explosion that happened in a wig factory.  The resulting hairs blew all over a group of passing school children, and it was then that I realised there was a small, hairy gap in the market.  Unfortunately, the adoption agency wouldn't give me enough children to start my Ewok production line, so I decided to release an Ebook instead.  

Qu 2                 So what you are telling me is that you are not producing an Ewok, not even a small Ewok.  I think you may have to explain yourself. This so called Ebook thing of which you talk I assume it is not a cute hairy thing from a Star Wars film. So what is it then. . . . . 

An Ebook is pretty much the opposite of an Ewok.  They are furless, comprehensible, and have never brought down an evil empire.

My particular Ebook is called Muppets For Justice.  It is a collection of posts from my long-running Blog of the same name, plus a lot of bonus new stuff written specially for the book.  It's roughly 50% new content.  I consider it to be a Greatest Hits album, but with loads of bonus tracks and b-sides that people won't have seen before.

Qu3                  I think you need to explain more about the metaphysical aspects of your work; the deep underlying urges that have brought you to conceive your plan and give us a little glimpse of the real Addman, the one hiding behind that frail façade of hate lust and cold soup.

I would love to talk to you about my deep, underlying urges, but that might frighten off any potential readers.  I don't know about the metaphysical aspects of my work.  It's just there to entertain and hopefully make you laugh.  It is a series of short comedic articles with no real agenda or over arching theme, and most of them are completely unrelated to each other.  It's perfect to pick up and read in short bursts.

 Qu4                  There is an old saying . . . . Not for the Faint Hearted  . . . . Well to me this is a silly saying, lets face it if your heart did faint it would be called a heart attack and you would be rushed off to hospital proto, sayings like this should be banned from this interview. Bearing this in mind Mr Addman are there any questions you do not wish me to ask you . . . . .

Well I'm a bit nervous of questions about my heart now.  In fact, I feel a panic attack coming on.  Open a window or something!  Get me a hot towel!

Qu5                  Well having thought about your answers so far I note you have a Faint Heart when I thought we agreed about not discussing it further, with that in mind I think we should discuss this Hot Towel. Is it one you have stolen yourself or is it one you bought cheap from a man in a pub who knew a man who stole it from a bathroom in a wig factory.

Wait, we're discussing a towel now? This is a papparazzi style invasion of my privacy. Do you want to know the colour of my cream towels? What about the zig zag pattern on them? I will never tell. My towels didn't ask to be part of the limelight and I will keep them separate from my public life, thank you.

Qu6                  Your blog although rather good does sometimes use rude words and discuss naughty things and for a young middle class eccentric like myself I am forced to shut my eyes while I read it. Will your new Ebook contain naughty things and naughty words? You may be interested to know the lack of anything naughty in my blog has made it one of the least read blogs in the world, but it is child friendly although they don’t understand it, silly children.

I'm afraid that the Ebook will contain several naughty words and themes. I try not to be needlessly vulgar and try to mainly use strong language purely for comic effect rather than distaste. I hope I get the balance right.

Hmm, that makes the Ebook sound like it's just a few hundred pages of filth. There's a lot of optimistic topics in there too. In fact, there is an entire section on the wonders of cuddling, so there's a whole spectrum in there.

Qu7                  To be serious for a bit I notice you have blogged for some time now Mr Addman, do you have any advice for those new to blogging some inspired words that will keep them going where thousands have said sod it I’m off to the pub and abandoned their blog for ever. (NO blogging in the pub is not allowed as an answer).

Without wanting to sound like I'm some sort of social media guru, one of the biggest parts of Blogging is building a community for yourself. Find a group of Blogs you enjoy reading, contribute and leave them comments, and some of those people will reciprocate. Also, try and stick to a regular, acheiveable schedule. Unless you're a superhuman (like you Mr Rob), don't expect to be able to Blog every single day.

Qu8                  You have also experimented with Pod Casts, there is an old saying (from the bible I think) that goes . . . . He who Pod casts the first Stoat shall ferret about in rubbish bins and pass through the eye of a camel . . . . .  I was wondering do you have any old sayings that you hold dear to your heart. Sorry I mentioned that dodgy heart of yours again.

Sayings that I hold dear? My Nan always used to say "never shave your legs on a Tuesday", although I've yet to experience a situation in which it has proved useful.

I am actually partial to the saying "only a true wit can play a convincing fool". If that's the case, I strive to look like the biggest idiot to ever grace the Internet.

Qu9                  What inspired you to start a blog, and does this new adventure mean you have grand plans, something cunning and devilish that will astound us all with its brilliance and yet simple genius. Something that will bring gasps of amazement and make folks hearts pound (AH DAMN sorry I mentioned pounding hearts  . . . . Sorry).

I started Blogging to practice my writing. It started as a sketchpad for me to try out new ideas. I'm releasing the Ebook because I think it has blossomed into something bigger. I'm proud of Muppets For Justice and I want to show it off. Also, this is a good test to see what self publishing an Ebook is all about. In the future, I may publish a bigger project such as a novel, who knows?

Qu10                WHY WHY WHY do you eat Jammie Dodgers Mr Addman WHY???????

Because they have hearts on them. Argh, now I'm mentioning hearts again! Ack! 

Well thank you Mr Addman I had at one point planned to ask many more questions but looking at what we have done between us I have to say I think it is an excellent interview and I am pleased it has gone so well.  We have really got at the heart of the matter (DAMN I mentioned that word again).  Before I entirely rewrite your answers (HAH HAH AHHAH HAH HAH HAH HAH Hha ha ha ha ha ha ha) I wonder if you would like to add a few final words, Maybe you have a date you hope to get your Ebook published by, although I am sure we will hear more from you as things progress.  I wish you luck and will leave you the final word (I of course will not restrict you to the one word), once again many thanks for taking part.

The Ebook is scheduled to go up on the 3rd of January, and will be available in all good retailers, provided that retailer is Amazon.

I've thought long and hard about the final word, and I've decided that "bus" might be a suitable one to end on.  It's a very nice word if you say it often enough.  Anyway, thanks for the opportunity, and I'll leave you with bus.

Well Mr Addman I had planned to finish with your final word but it has given me the opportunity to say . . . . . . . You wait for a bus for ages and a whole load of them all turn up at once.

Bus Bus Bus Bus Bus Bus Bus Bus Bus . . . . . . . . . HAH HAH AH HAH HAH AH HAHHAH AH HA HA HHAH hah ah ha hah ah ha hah ah ha hahah ha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Bus. . 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Muppets for Justice Blog is available at the following link please have a read, After all there are millions of blogs out there and it is good to work together as a small flock. Which allows us, like a flock of crows to raid the farmers field and eat all his corn…….

MUPPETS FOR JUSTICE

Please note this is my first collaborative effort and interview on this blog, but I am happy to interview other folk in a similar fashion should you feel a desire to be interviewed by me, bearing in mind I am a bit rubbish at it.

The Car, the Council, Rats and other stuff

The Ghost Writer has run off with one of our cars, well when I say run off he is in fact sat in it driving, he is not the sort of chap to run anywhere. He has done this because his own car is technically a little faulty as its clutch it not entirely working as it is meant too. The problem is to do with the fact clutch is not releasing when the pedal is pressed and as the clutch was changed about 30, 000 miles ago by the previous owner there is suspicion it might be a hydraulic problem. However if you look up his particular vehicle, a Fiat Multipla in cyberspace and see what folk say about this the general view is OOOOOOOooooo its not the clutch is it that will be expensive, those cars are a nightmare to sort clutches out. And it appears irrespective of what the fault is the engine needs to be removed which involves mechanics shaking heads, pointing fingers and making distressed tutting noises.

The Ghost Writer borrowed our car to attend a meeting where his work (a charity) warn everyone that due to funding negotiations getting protracted there is a risk everyone will be made redundant.  This happened last year also and much of it is to do with the local council on the Welsh side of the border not only being a little slow and inefficient about these things, but also desperate to cut a spending overspend. And I think there is a certain amount of stabbing one another in the back at present, something that can happen when folk are pushed to the edge, this is a natural human instinct (also shared by rats) which is why folk get crushed in panicking crowds or large men dress up as Dorothy when the ship sinks, or it may be they found a bargain on Amazon, well that what they tell the ships captain anyway  (Rats by the way don't dress up as Dorothy).

I have also been to see Mr P in Hospital today as promised to both Mr P and Mr M and he was looking rather happy today as he has been given a date to go home which is Monday. Lets hope he makes it after all he has been in hospital a year and most of that is waiting for the council to sort his accommodation out, strangely it’s the same council as the Ghost Writers work is funded by so I wonder if that is good or bad…….

In other news there were many tractors on the road today going places although I do not know why, where they came from or where they were going so to tell the truth it is pointless even mentioning that I saw them although I have now  . . . . .DAMN.

Finally we are having Homity Pie for tea WELL YUM I love Homity Pie………….

Ooooo yes I must get back to do some arty stuff I am less efficient in the cold. I bet I could make some great snowmen if snow was warm. . . . . 

.

The Eve of Halloween in Rhyme.......... and the nice Steven Spielberg

It is the eve of Halloween

When scary monsters will be seen

And banshees scream into the night

To give small children a scary fright

And slimy clammy hands appear

Clutching bats and ginger beer

While gnawing red eyed rats attack

Eating the flesh from off your back

So tomorrow night on Halloween

When scary monsters will be seen

It’s best not to answer your front door

Better to read the diary of………

Rob

Z

TOBOR

HAH HHAH HAH AHH HAH HAH HA HAH h hha hah ah ha hah ah ha hah ah ha hahh ha ha ha hah ha ha ha ha ha ha……….

Yes I have written a scary tale for tomorrow  . . . . . The greatest (knitting) horror story ever told . . . . .almost.  An excellent film idea for the very nice Steven Spielberg.  

The Voice of Reason in a Sea of Madness . . . . .

HAR HAR HAR

Sail the main brace

Ten men dancing on a dead man’s vest

Pieces of eight and a yo ho ho

Where’s the rum

Tie the scallywag to the mast

HAR HAR

Aliens on the starboard bow captain

Drop anchor and full steam ahead

Blind Pugh be no friend of a pirate Captain HAR HAR

Give those tally ho British red coats a broad side

Hold her steady and we’ll ride out the storm HAR HAR HAR

That there sea be full of monsters, they be Partly Raving Loony Monsters HAR HAR

Vote for Rob HAR HAR HAR

You know it makes sence HAR HAR

 I know what you are thinking yes I have entered the world of politics . . .  RATs (The Radical Abstract Thinkers) is now an official political party.

The photograph for those of you not reading the cheap paperback diary bought to pass the time at Kings Cross station on special offer to boost sales, is your leaders (me) first official wave  . . . . . . . HAH HAHAH HHAHAH HHAHAHHA hah ah ha ha hah ah ha hah ah ha ha hah ahha hah hha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  HAR AHR HAR Jim Lad. . . . 

A Request for five happy things from Mr klahanie

This is an additional little post I have created and its all that Mr klahanie's fault as he has been playing blog-tag where you get tagged and then do what ever it is required of you to do. Mr klahanie's seems like a nice chap and has all the ingredients required to make him a member of RATs; because he is a nice chap I have decided to do the blog-tag game although I will not be passing it on to others to avoid the inevitable pyramid selling scams of the past. Where innocent folk bought what they thought were good wholesome ancient pyramids from Egypt only to discover they were fake cardboard pyramids stolen from baby and toddler groups across Britain . . . . . . . The scream of “someone has stolen my pyramid mummy” still sends a shudder through the financial world to this day.

Sorry a distraction .. .... . . 

I am here to tell of five things that make me happy (five that's hard)

1

The first is snowmen, I love snowmen and will make then when ever I can, even if there is almost no snow. Say hello Berty

2

Pets, although you should never smile at a crocodile. My bed which the cats have confiscated 

3

Beaches, I love the sea and you can’t beat Scotland with no massed masses on it sunbathing. This was the view from the tiny stone  holiday home we stopped in on our last holiday (some time back now)

4

Fairy lights you cant have toooooo many fairy lights, this was last years temporary structure to eat out in the summer (someone nicked summer though) 

5

Making cardboard sculpture things such as pyramids and selling them to the punters (OH DAMN what a give-away) 

OK Mr klahanie Duty done i will go and write my diary entry now PHEW

Spies, Pirates and Chemists in the strange twilight between cyberspace and reality

The world of diaries and cyberspace can lead to interesting things; things can happen that can have an influence on both. Take my good friend Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy; we all know that she is very much a real person out there listening intently to her shortwave radio gluing micro dots onto the bottom of homing tortoises. However through the strange sub world of my diary she has found it very difficult to be a spy and has had to resort to leaping about and being a party animal in real life, because it is tricky to be a spy when as mum puts it some IDIOT keeps telling everyone about their secret plans.

Then there is my cyber-friend Captain Nessman of the High Seas, we have had many an adventure in the world of cyberspace battling sea monsters and the tally ho British fleet, but then real life leaps into place and Captain Nessman of the High Seas finds himself on a wild adventure learning Chinese in China, which is probably the best place to learn Chinese as it happens. He has many a tale to tell of huge squid and creatures that western man has never seen before which is why from time to time he still sneaks into a MacDonald’s from  time to time. 

Today the cross over between the real and surreal of cyberspace took another slightly strange twist, my diary as you know can be found both in Facebook and as a blog, and my blog friend Mr ESB a man of many talents and a chemist who often experiments with chicken sandwiches and who lives in Texas has told me that as a result of my help he has been able to sing Happy Birthday in Welsh to his friend Jesus (no not that one) who works in Mr ESB’s favourite diner back in his home town in Texas. Now that is well COOL just think without all this technology and the internet, things like this would not happen. I think what this proves is that even a modest diary of an eccentric in the rolling hills of the English Welsh borders and a few of his good friends can make the world a better place.

If you are watching the block buster movie or reading the best selling book then I will be found in a warm swimming pool with a cold drink in my hand, if you are not reading the best selling book or watching the movie all I can say is that nice Mr Steven Spielberg has made yet another film about the wrong thing (if it has horses in it again I will not be happy).

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Fairy Tales and Radical Abstract Thinkers (RATs)

So School today, and very uneventful it was too although the English teacher did one of those things again that is very annoying because she never tells us in advance that she is going to do it, yes she made us write a fairy tale again.  So we had to come up with a  fairy  tale, story all about snow and stuff like that so I did my best.

Once upon a time there were three bears, they were Polar Bears so were keen gardeners, as we all know Polar Bears love gardening and the three bears were very good at gardening their iceberg lettuce had been given the seal of approval by the king himself The bears were very proud and had the head of the seal mounted on a board, and it hung in pride of place over the fire place. Baby Bear said it was the best curry they had ever had. . . .YUM.  And there was nothing the bears liked more than settling down in front of the TV in the evening and watching Snow White and the Seven Gardeners singing high ho high ho its off to hoe we go as they weeded their garden and told all the viewers how easy it all is (actually they were lying because behind the scenes when the cameras were not rolling there were in fact 27 gardeners and a small tractor)

Then one day in the middle of a particularly cold and snowy winter Snow White and the seven gardeners did one of those phone in competitions where everyone knows the answer, it was What is the common name of the plant Lilium Columbianum well Baby Bear said I know and ran off and phoned in the answer having listened to a man say. . . . Calls cost £1.50 a minute from a land line but may cost more from a mobile depending on your supplier and terms of contract, you must be over eighteen and refunds are not available.  Baby Bear was very excited but was frozen to he spot when he was told by Snow White that he was under eighteen and therefore unable to claim his prize of a handful of magic beans.  However Mummy Bear and Daddy Bear were a little upset and ate Snow White and the seven gardeners and a fox who kept blowing at their house huffing and puffing and blowing down Baby Bears snowman.

Baby Bear got to keep his magic beans and his snowman never blew down ever again and all because he knew that LILIUM COLUMBIANUM were known to all as Tiger Lilies  . . . . . The End 

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