A rather boring day for the readers of my Diary . . . Sorry.

You are probably thinking . . . . . Hang On this diary thing . . . . Back in the past loads of stuff happened and now it’s dead boring . . . .  Well that is a bit true; it is not the diary it used to be. Part of the reason at present is my continued work on Shed Two (My workshop) and the reason I am working away on that a great deal is due to the weather. It has been lovely over the last few days. Lovely to the point where our daughter phoned us up from her home just a couple of miles away on the Welsh side of the border to say how horrid the rain was. At the time we were sitting outside in the sun drinking tea and chilling. A short break from shed work.

I will admit I did fire up the old weather machine on the off chance it might finally do something useful and not cause hurricanes again. So maybe it might just be doing what it was always meant to do, make it sunny.   

Anyway shed two slowly develops. One aspect of designing and building buildings without any design whatsoever is things can develop in ways that you never thought they might. I do wonder if going back in time folk just built stuff and the key point of any good building was it did not fall down. It does mean they can become quite interesting as you ponder ways to resolve an issue that you had not thought about until three quarters of the roof is finished. And I think Shed Two will be all the better for all the little changes I keep making in order to make it structurally sound and practical in a quirky sort of way. I will then claim I am a Master Builder in the medieval tradition of Master Builders.

There have been a lot of butterflies about lately I suspect that is a good sign. I am not good on butterflies, but I did see a small blue one and a large yellow one earlier as well as the white ones and brownish ones.  . . . My knowledge of plants is a bit like my knowledge of butterflies by the way. . . . . .

Right that’s it . . . . I suspect you are now thinking Well that was rubbish. But it’s a diary so Poo . . . .  (again) . . .

I sometimes draw beasts seen in the garden

but do use a bit of artistic license so no one knows what they are

Including me

Its Raining and that is Annoying. . . Very Annoying.

Well it has been raining today that was not meant to happen as my plan (well we know all about Plans) was to work on the roof of the new workshop so I can fit the roofing felt. OK using roofing felt is a slight cheat, but as it’s a workshop for me I feel a few easy options are allowed. It will have many other little bits which folk will look at and say . . . . . Why?

So instead I made Ginger biscuits. I don’t really cook or make much that is edible but ginger biscuits are one of them and very popular they are too. They are also Gluten free so my youngest daughter will eat them. I say youngest but she is 40 now which I think makes me old and knackered. However the kids like ginger biscuits so don’t point and laugh and say I am old and knackered when I make them or I will shout Yah Sucks Boo at them and eat the entire lot myself. 

 It seems it could be showery for a few days now which is rather annoying. Maybe I will dig out the old weather machine and point it at the clouds. Much in the same way the kids point at me only with a weather machine I get to pull the trigger and the clouds don’t like that much. 


 Well that’s it I have posted a nonspecific post on my blog and I have not done that in ages . . . . . It’s the rains fault. . . .

Pesky rain

The icing was fine but the chocolate was playing up a bit

Pesky Chocolate

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Storm Barney Bites and Blows over a Robot

Well as I sit typing away in the security of my little office (well sort of office) the wild winds are now blowing overhead as the second named storm of the year has arrived. It is something of a novelty in Britain to have named storms because in general we don’t get anything bad enough to be worth naming. But I think the National Weather Centre (the Met Office as in Metrological) in a cunning bid to keep their hands on the BBC weather forecast franchise have decided folk like names. And that is indeed true we all like a storm with a cute name, the first one was last week and was called Abigail and now we have Barney, which implies an alphabetical theme going on I suspect. As far as I can tell from here, Barney is blowing harder than Abigail was so I am hoping to see Barney Blow a stone wall over so I can point and say . . . . . Look it’s a pile of Barney Rubble . . . HAH AHAh ah ah a hah ah ahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  . . . . . .  Sadly we do not have any flint stone walls in this part of the world which would make that even better.

The other thing I noticed is that they say there is a small chance of power cuts which means typing away on a device that needs power is like a game of Russian roulette for writers. I was planning on saying failed writers but actually I write loads of stuff it is just that no one actually reads much of it, that is not quite the same thing as being someone who has written stuff read by loads of folk but who no longer writes stuff. A bit like that Shakespeare chap, although to be fair he has quite a good reason for no longer writing much. I mean I would be disheartened if a load of monkeys turned up and we able to write you entire works without ever reading it in the first place,  Its like that chicken and egg problem . . . . . Which can first the Monkey or Shakespeare. . . . Well plainly in that case it’s the monkeys which can only mean Shakespeare copied the complete works of the monkeys

OOOOoooooo I have just lost a paragraph due to a power cut, see I was not kidding it is getting windy out there. So it might well be time to run off and hide for a while . . . . .  OK then chaps head for the fortified bunker, make sure your heads are wrapped in kitchen foil and you have your trusty pointy stick and inflatable Hedgehog (sorry life raft).

I have Just had to go out to save one of the Robots and all I can say is BLOODY HELL. . .

Good Luck Mr H I hope all is well with you

OK that's it powering down and running away. . . .  

Storms, Plutonium and the A to Z

The weather round here today is wild, the Ghost Writer was in his office today and the windows were rattling and it appears this little bit of  Britain is smack in the middle of the red bit on the BBC weather map. He has also had a grim trip back here as the roads are also rather flooded as the snow that fell over the Kerry ridgeway (the local hills) in the last two days all thawed today.  They have been talking of 100mph winds and so the power has been on and off here and there, and I have heard that several roads are closed due to power lines and trees getting blown down.  Still we are still much better off than some parts of Britain as they battle floods and the Toad People of Todimimiun 3.  It is a long and riveting story (rivet – toads . . . . . HAH HA HH H HH HA HAH AH HA HAH AH HA H HHahha ha ha haha hahaha ha ha ha ha ha)

The Ghost Writer also has the added problem that his place of work may close in a few weeks due to finance issues and a huge lump of plutonium sort of accidently falling out of its housing. When I say housing it was in the freezer for safe keeping as the freezer is cool and made of metal, so it seemed like a good place to put it.  It is not my fault I forgot to take it home and then could not remember where I left it, but it appears folk get a bit funny about plutonium in freezers in an office full of folk.

In other news I am doing that rather strange A to Z thing in April again this year, I know what you are thinking what is an A to Z, but it is a blog thing that us folk who use blogs for what ever reason (a diary in my case) do in April. It can be jolly good fun if you approach it correctly or it can be rather stressful if you are not organized. Yes I am not known for being organized what so ever, but then I can produce alphabet based gibberish until the cows come home, so it is easier for me. And this year I am one of the back room boys doing my bit behind the scenes for the main man……. I have promised to be good and not shout at people or go LOOK at this bit of Plutonium . . . .

PHEW it is windy out there, I will run off now and try and turn a cat into a cat Kite (the flying device not the chocolate wafer thing . . . . . . . HA HAHH H HAH HA HAHHAH HA HAH AH HA HA HAH HAHA HAH AH ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)

OOOOOOOo look a seagull  and other stuff . . . .There is a lot of stuff blowing about tonight so keep your head down . . . . 

Weather Machines and Alien Jelly Creatures

Have I mentioned that dad started work on a new weather machine, I don’t think I have? It had its first trial run today or at least part of it did. He says he is fed up with the weather and if we must have rotten weather then he wants to be the one to create it. That is quite understandable really, we all like to be in control of our own destiny if we can and so the more we can control ourselves the better.  Although in the case of weather machines I think history leads us to conclude that we may be in control of the weather machine, but the controls are slightly faulty. Thus what we expect and what we get do not always tally, such as today when it was raining one minute and sunny the next followed by rain and sun.

So yet again we have a small insight into the great workings of the universe, we make our plans we carry them out and something entirely different happens and before you know it you are not a brain surgeon in the great Metropolis but a hairdresser in Luton or a roller-skate salesman in Edinburgh.  This is what happens to everyone and deep down in our inner soul is a small voice telling us that everyone (ok most folks) are doing stuff we would do better and why cant we have what they have.  This is what happened with TV, for years folk would watch all these so called celebrities and think well they are rubbish I could do that; and so was born the TV talent show closely followed by the celebrity talent show as celebrities became paranoid that folk were doing stuff they could do.

I was rather distracted there as I was planning to say that Mrs E and Mr S came to see us and delivered a lentil dhal and a Pheasant curry for our tea  . . . . . . WELL COOL (OK nice and spicy) although you will be pleased to learn the pheasant in the curry was not Gandhi or tame pheasant, it would be rather non politically correct to eat Gandhi or our tame pheasant.

Ooooooooo yes I have added a photo to my diary tonight of something seriously weird that has appeared to have oozed out from the patio, it appeared to be a clear jelly like substance with some sort of life in the middle?  . . . . . . . . . Do we finally have proof of alien life; it has been there a couple of days now and is showing no sign of vanishing off back to its home planet . . . . . . . Very odd.

Ooooooo yes again, it was Mr Charlie’s Birthday as well . . . . . .

How to use an Umbrella on a Sunday

It has been and still is, not a nice day, I refer to the weather, in fact it is worse now that it was earlier with the wind picking up and the rain increasing somewhat. Luckily it should not get windy enough to cause us any problems and despite the fact the front lawn is under an inch of water we are not going to flood due to the position of the house. But being Sunday means it is quiet and with the weather the way it is, it’s very quiet indeed, not even a Zombie is going to stagger about groaning in this. Interestingly one thing I have never seen before is a Zombie with an umbrella, I’m sure they must know about them and they are technically not hard to use.

Actually I take that point about the use of umbrellas back, because one thing I have noticed on the various news clips of the terrible weather Britain is having is that in many of then folk are battling against the wind and rain with umbrellas.  As you might expect I can hear you type, but in most of these cases the umbrellas are being flipped inside-out and the folk holding them looking stressed and wet. You see there are one or two important points to using umbrellas and these days they are even more important due to the ever increasing use of the small collapsible umbrella; a device which I think we can say is rubbish.  O yes the collapsible   brolly might be convenient to have when it is not raining but they certainly are not when it is raining unless you don’t know how to use an umbrella then at least they will flip inside- out and back again all day long.

So using a brolly correctly first you need to keep the front edge down and pointing into the wind, lift it up to far and the wind gets underneath and will do its best to pull it out of your hand or turn it inside out. You also need to keep the thing close to your head not three feet above it unless it’s a sun brolly or as posh folk call them parasols, try that in Britain and you will be a goner unless you are called Mary Poppins. Best not to tell folk you are Mary Poppins lets face it nobody liked her and she set Britain back 100 years in the minds of the rest of world.   The final point with an umbrella is they become unmanageable once the wind gets to a certain speed and it is like trying to hold a wild man eating mutant seagull over your head and lets face it if it was a wild man eating mutant seagull you would not hang onto its legs and hope it will keep you dry. So once the wind speed gets to the point you can no longer maintain dignity with a umbrella it is better just to fold it up and get out the rain as fast as possible rather than appear on the BBC news looking silly and holding a wild man eating mutant seagull.

Oooooooo yes I have done a bit of arty stuff today so all has not been lost,  although I have probably lost something somewhere today as I tend too most days. One advantage of having glue all over my hands is that I tend not to lose stuff as it tends to be attached to my fingers……

Winter Storms, flooding and Wild Winds in Britain . . . . and a Curry

Britain is being a bit battered at present, not in a I’ll have a Britain and chips please to takeaway, but by wind rain and tide surges (No I don’t know who Tide Surges is either), anyway before I get seriously distracted I thought I would check the BBC news. On the BBC news I noticed something that confused me a bit, it was a headline saying  . . . UK flooding: Flood defences 'will be protected' . . . . .  Now I know I am not always the quickest at picking up an important point in any given situation, but surely the whole point of a flood defence is to defend stuff from floods. If a flood defence needs to be protected then it must be a rubbish flood defence and I also noticed the words front-line services again call me a bit silly but surely the front line or as we like to call it the beach or river bank is a great place for a flood defence it makes no sense putting it behind the shops or on the hill unless it is a rubbish flood defence and needs protecting from the flood.

I do have to say all this rain and wind has been going full blast for some time now and it appears it is all the fault of the USA, I know and us being all sort of chirpy and friends. But the North of the USA is too cold and the South of the USA is differentially to warm causing storms to be created over the Atlantic (the Jet Steams doing) and making us folk in the UK wet.  It’s at times like this I think dad really should not have sold his old Weather Machine to some bloke he called Uncle Sam (I have never heard of him before).

I did manage to do a good deed today though as the chap next door had part of his fence blow down a couple of weeks ago and it has been getting worse. He is a bit like me and stubborn and likes to fix stuff himself. But he is eighty and also somewhat poorly at present so I leapt to the rescue. OK I was not able to fix it but I have put all the lose bits safe and secured what is still standing.  Which is good as the weather predictions for the next few days sound a bit bad, so I hope my work does not blow away  . . . . . . Maybe my temporary wind  defences  need  some sort of protection from the wind I will ask the BBC.

Oooooooo we had an Indian takeaway tonight which was well yum in order to take our mind off the wind. . . . .  I have a feeling that may not be the right thing to write . . . . 

The diary, the Turkey and the Christmas presents

Hello all I am here with a diary entry as it has been a few days since I told you all the news, but as it has been a few days I have forgotten most of what happened. You see this was one of the main reasons for starting this diary in the first place, and one of the reasons I write it most nights. So now I am going to have to remember sort of what has happened.

I do know that we took Miss Jane from one place to another place and one of those places was home as Mr Charlie had gone to France to do important things. Then other stuff happened like………………. It has been windy and wet, seriously windy and wet round here and some of the trellis that was put up in the summer started to lean a bit so is now secured with a couple of props. You can’t beat a bit of triangulation to stop a thing blowing over in the wind, it is rather windy yet again.

Mr P who had been in hospital for an entire year finally made it home and he gave us a ring to say he was home and everything finally worked; that is in his house not in him, as bits of Mr P do not entirely work as designed by nature, or as some would have it, the Micro God of human bits. In fact a Christmas card from Mr P arrived this morning.

I have also finished my Christmas shopping; I always have serious problems Christmas shopping because I buy things and then hide them so folk will not find them, but then forget what I have bought and where they are hidden. Or worse still entirely forget I have bought them which is fine until you find a present for someone in June wrapped in snowmen paper  with Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas written on it . . . . And I am serious about this I have done it more than once.

I have done loads of other stuff but I can’t remember what so that will have to be that. . . . . .     OOOOOoooooo yes, just to say the Ghost Writer got his car back yesterday and it had to have a new clutch and stuff, well that sounds expensive I am glad I don’t have to pay for it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN apparently I do, it appears that he says it is due to excessive ghost writing due to me rambling on about stuff no one is interested in like the three headed Seagull I chased away from the pond the other day or was it a Heron. I can remember but it did have three heads, or was it three legs

Oooooo I also saw a frog the other night too

I will now end with another Christmas Poem to cheer you all up

The Christmas Turkey has dug a tunnel

To avoid its terrible Fate

That goes under the perimeter fence

And under Bernard’s Gate

But the Turkey is a greedy bird

And now a huge big Beast

And will not fit into the hole it made

So will be our Christmas Feast

YUM

HAH HAHAHHAHHAH AH HAH AHHAH AH HAHHAH AH HA ha hah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha  

   

And finally Hello Charles and Quentin at GCHQ, you have done it again chaps, made the news yet again; I notice I don’t get a mention on the BBC typical and me your friendliest snooped upon cyber-person, there is no justice. 

Christmas is getting closer. . . . . So things sneak out from the attic.....

Today was an interesting day because it was windy here seriously windy with stuff blowing all over the place and the house and the trees getting a good old battering (not as in a fish supper). That is fair enough there have been a couple of storms lately, and so far we have been lucky and missed the worst of them, only there was no talk of storms today on the BBC weather so it was a bit of a surprise. I think because we are sort of out in the sticks means the fact it was windy enough to blow the cat off into the distance, which it was not happy about, so is now hiding in a box next to the Christmas tree is not news of interest to the masses. I bet if it was the queen’s cat or even the queen that was blown off into the distance it would be an entirely different story.

Did you notice a certain two words in that last paragraph  . . . .Christmas Tree . . . . . Yes it is that time of year again; we got the Christmas tree out again, and yes we have a fake tree but it looks real enough and it is overall far more eco friendly than having a real one. No it really is, after many years of buying trees with roots on and planting them outside afterwards we discovered that they really hate being inside and have a habit of sulking for the next twenty years, and anyway most folk buy trees with no roots which sort of die.

Sorry I will try to get better pictures tomorrow

So today we decorated the Christmas tree and remade the home-made Christmas Chandelier, something I think everyone should make. On advantage in doing this today was that there was no need to venture out into the wild winds too far although I was sent off to hunt for the fairy lights (we have loads of them) as they were in a safe place in the garage. I am not sure it was that safe in the garage at the time of looking for them as it was a bit bouncy, still the wind has subsided a bit now and I am about to go off and eat food. Actually although I have written this before I eat my tea I will be posting after I finish eating so as far as you lot are concerned I have eaten, Hake and spicy potato wedges . . . . . YUM which returns me right back to where I started with the wind battering the house….. So I will go.

As it happens when I said I will go . . . .  that was ages ago now, but I really am going now….

I am

The Storm and a Duck

Many parts of Britain have been enduring storms today, up in Scotland it has been very blowy on the west coast and I think the top recorded wind speed was about 142mph. Although quite a few trees have been destroyed and it appears that at least two folk have been killed, it has to be said folk up north are making less of a fuss in this storm than the BBC did when the last storm was down south. Last time here, there was no wind what so ever, but this time it was different and although we were very much on the fringes of this storm it was certainly rather bouncy outside, with the odd really powerful gust. This resulted in a few bits of wood being blown about and a smashed large garden pot and the weather vane vanishing off the roof. All the sheep have vanished from the fields next door too but I think that may be connected to the man with the sheepdog and a large trailer.

The evening sky tonight as the sun set 

(well it looks peaceful enough)

 The next big worry in several places is a tidal storm surge; I really wish the BBC could report this stuff without making it sound like its going to be the end of the world at times. I think they need to wait and see how bad it is first before they commit themselves to a doomsday option. This will not affect us (the tide), we are rather a long way from the coast and if the sea reaches us then it really is doomsday.

I have bought a Christmas present today so a bit of a shock for BBC news although apparently they have no interest in this even though I managed to do it online. I should have bought a fish, I notice it is possible to buy a battery powered fish that looks and swims just like a real fish although it tastes rubbish.  But the idea of buying a fish online (HAH HAH HAH HAH HA HAH HAH Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) is slightly amusing OK only very slightly. It’s a sustainable fish joke HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH AH HAH HAH HAH AH ha ha ha.

I have also moved a mirror a small distance and took a picture of the sky today.   OOOOoooo yes I also had to check that the Steam Powered Duck was safe when it was blown off her pond, she was. . . . . . 

Storms, Books, Old Masters and a Morris Minor

Mr M continues to get weaker and the nurses suspect he has less than twenty four hours left to live, so it is all a little sad, but he had a jolly good run. And although he has struggled with one thing and another the last couple of years, he has done loads of things and been to loads of places in his lifetime. We did not stay too long today as his son is stopping at the hospital and other folk are popping in to see him. I have taken to drawing pictures of stuff while I am there now as Mr M was amused by them when he could see what I was up too; he was rather a good artist himself and once painted a tiny Micro Morris Minor on an old master so well that no one has ever noticed.  He always used to think of John Constable saying to the young Morris Minor driver  . . . . . HELLO sonny would you mind blowing into this Goats bladder.

I noticed on the news first thing that a huge storm has hit the Philippines with winds up to 199 miles an hour although as yet there is little news of how much destruction it has caused, but it does go to show that the big storm that the BBC were talking about that attacked the South coast of Britain was in reality merely a flesh wound. One of the perks of living in the UK is our weather may be wet, windy, cold, and sometimes a bit warm, but mainly not with grey skies and the odd bit of snow and more rain and even more rain; however our storms are fairly tame compared to other places and we tend not to get seriously extreme weather. It is strange then that I reckon us Brits complain about the weather more than anyone else, maybe knowing it can’t come back and bite us quite so badly means we can complain more.  It is like poking a kitten and a Lion with a pointy stick, OK the one is just not nice but the other is extremely silly or so I was told by the Zoo Keeper.

You may look at my little drawing (doodle) tonight and think WHAT? But I tend not to think too much about what I draw while visiting Mr M, so it may appear a little unrelated. If (as I have said many times now) you are reading the cheap paperback Diary of Rob Z Tobor bought at Kings Cross station in the three for a pound bargain basket, you will not get to see my drawings, so best to buy the illuminated limited edition with the gold leaf embossed cover sold for a modest one thousand five hundred and twenty three pounds and fifteen pence plus postage.  

The Great Storm of 2013 and a leaking sun roof

As many of you will know there was a terrible storm due in Britain last night and this morning and for many there was, but as it happens it did not get very far northwards. Here in the borders between England and Wales in Shropshire it was very calm indeed and inspection of the garden first thing this morning revealed that the car sun roof had leaked slightly. In fact the weather was calmer here during the storm than it was the few days before it. I will say that although it was bad along the south coast of England and four people have died the BBC news keep talking like it was the entire country and the reality is it was not and that up in Scotland the wind reaches the same sort of levels most winters and wind speeds of 70 to 80 miles an hours are not abnormal in the far north and would never make the news. Maybe the BBC News folk are all excited because it has happened on their doorstep so to speak in London. I sort of thought they were getting a bit stretched for new stories when they showed a film of a fallen tree that nearly hit a car which would have injured the driver had the tree hit the car.

Anyway the storm did manage to stop trains and has turned the power off to a load of folk down south but not up north.  Those of us that live north of the Watford Gap have long considered life up north is much better that life down south, so I think many will feel that has been reinforced a little in the last twenty four hours.

I also moved a Shrub today and poked at a hole with a pointy stick and have been drumming tonight which is why I am in a rush and running a bit late. As it happens I have worrying news about tomorrow as I am off to see the dentist, who apparently still has power although he might lose it due to unexpected gust of wind blowing a pointy stick into his fuse box, that’s the buildings fuse box not his personally I don’t trust android dentists one bit.  

The death of Lou Reed, a Raven, a Storm, Aliens and a Walk on the Wild Side.

I was up a ladder this morning sawing bits of tree that needed to be removed; normally I would not do this, but it was a bit blustery and the big storm has not yet arrived (but was due any minute or so I was led to believe) so to be on the safe side I was volunteered. As it happened it was like the old pirate days the tree would sway about a bit, the ladder creaking away and me shouting at the wind to do its stuff, a grand way to spend a Sunday.  Anyway rather annoyingly I also had to chop all the bits of tree into smaller bits of tree and put them in a big pile which is far less fun.

While I was doing this Mr Jones  was passing, he said he was off into the woods as he says the big storm is in fact cover for an alien invasion of aliens from the planet Windyplace, one of those new planets they keep finding these days with that telescope where the trusty old cleaner retired. Apparently since she left the telescope lenses have been getting a bit dusty, although strangely this has also led to the discovery of loads of new planets.

I have just heard that Lou Reed has died aged 71, he was good and he did a really good version of The Raven, which reminds me that we saw two Yellow Wagtails today, apparently ravens and wagtails according to Mr Jones are a sure sign of aliens.  And that the gentle tapping at your door as referred to in The Raven is not a Zombie or a Skeleton or an annoying child wearing a plastic bin liner asking for small change or cheques or the wind or even a Raven, but is in fact An Alien from the opiate shores.

Anyway I am off to watch for the storm and Mr Jones is off to watch for aliens and we both think it likely to be a bit of a Walk on the Wild Side tonight . . . . . . . . 

  

.

The Big Storm and the Inside of Dinosaurs

We have been out and tied down any loose things that are in the garden in readiness for the impending storm which appears to have moved in time slightly to Sunday night, Monday morning. Dad has not turned his weather machine on for a while so he is dead pleased as no one will blame him.  It is difficult to predict if it will be bad or not but talk of the 1987 storm has been cropping up on the wireless and the weathermen are saying things like NOT THE SORT Of STORM YOU SEE EVERY YEAR. But as we all know the weather is unpredictable even at the best of times.

Earlier today we went to see Mr M in hospital although we did venture up his track to his house first to ensure everything was as it should be which it was. Hopefully the storm will not do too much damage to his rather frail barn complex and house which is a bit like being inside the body of a dinosaur, I am guessing about that as dinosaurs are thin on the ground these days (that’s thin as in not many . . . . not thin as in like a snake).  As it happens I get a bit annoyed by dinosaurs, or at least folk who are experts on them, because just lately there has been much talk that birds are the direct descendants of these beasts . . . . . . . Well I have said this for years and years and no one, what so ever was interested, the best I go was a smile and a nod from the odd person in the street who thought I was mad. There are several reasons for this (that’s why I think birds are dinosaurs not why folk think I’m mad) which would take a seriously long time to explain, but if I say LEGS some of you will see my point . . . .NO I don t not mean they both have legs either, it is to do with the way that both dinosaurs and birds legs are jointed and the way they walk, it is plainly clear to everyone (well me) (and OK creationists would say YA SUCKS BOO) that these beasts are very similar indeed just looking at their legs. As I said there are other things, but I would bore you, but the point is when some scientist says we have finally proved a link between these two critters just remember I was saying it was as clear as mustard years ago. That may be the wrong saying as it happens. I really should have written some of these theories down a long time ago, still I’m OK now I have a diary HAH HAHAH hah hah ah hah hah ahha hah ha hah ha hah ahha ha  ha ha ha

AH DAMN I got a little distracted again…….. sorry about that.   

And don’t forget that here in the UK the clocks get turned back one hour tonight in order to confuse our European Friends, making them miss the ferry. And it has got rather wet outside…..

The Chemistry Class Halloween Experiment and the Storm Warning for Britain

Today in School the Chemistry teacher said we might do a jolly Halloween experiment seeing how it is not far off now. Anyway it did not go entirely to plan, although it was not entirely my fault the instructions were a bit confusing.

Put the blue powder in the green bottle into the green liquid in the yellow bowl before you add the yellow liquid in the blue bottle to the yellow bowl which now has a green liquid in it. Then add the yellow powder from the red bottle to the red bowl with the yellow liquid in it, this liquid will now turn black. Then mix the two bowls together by either putting the black liquid in the red bowl into the yellow bowl with the liquid that has now turned blue or the other way round. So you then end up with a red bowl with a brown liquid or a yellow bowl with a brown liquid; you then add the red crystals from the blue bottle and stand well clear because there will be a lot of red and blue smoke.

But the thing was myself, Esmeralda and Freddie were watching a spider and giggling and trying to work out if it was one of those man eating spiders that closed that school on the news the other day so we sort of got our colours a bit mixed up.

I will not go into details but I have drawn a picture with my new hairy claws and have been told I will be back to normal by Sunday . . . . . . DAMN I was hoping the effects would last to Halloween, anyway mum says she has no plans to fry worms and earwigs all weekend to keep me fed, has told me off for swimming in the pond chasing newts.

Oooooo yes while on the subject of news, I notice that the weather forecast for Sunday is well wild around here and a fair chunk of Britain, so time to batten down the hatches, I assume that means you need to tie your chickens to the ground, they hatch eggs and both chickens and eggs will blow away in what is said to be a possibly really scary storm…. TAKE TO THE HILLS  . . . No hang on hill may be a bad place to be, unless it floods as well. . . . Run in circles and flap a lot; circles, maybe that is what the aliens were warning us about yesterday.

Time to go and eat more worms YUM. 

Steam Powered Ducks and Old Converse Trainers

Today started in a wild and windy way and sort of got windier and wilder until mid-afternoon when the sun finally came out. I know it was the windiest day in a long time as poor old Steam Powered Duck was blown over the waterfall and was upside-down lying in the lily pads. Not a dignified way to spend your time and full of technical issues if you are a Steam Powered Duck. Anyway I can now assure everyone she is back in her own pool and looking none the worse for the experience, and I believe the long term memory of ducks is limited.

   

We also had a visit from Miss Jo who has spent much time whizzing about from place to place doing things and talking to folk about stuff. Something we all have to do from time to time although I do try and avoid too much talking to folk about stuff if I can.  Miss Jo then had to whizz off to do other things and collect Miss E  . . . . .I think.

Once the sun came out I was able to grab my trusty pickaxe and make a hole in the ground, it has been a while since I made a hole in the ground, although the ground was not ideal for making holes due to all the rain in the morning. I was also digging in my trusty Old Converse Trainers which are getting that real lived in feel these days although the soles are sort of very thin and falling off.  If the soles do fall off it will be terrible because I have never heard of Old Converse Trainers with no soul before and I do not want to own the first pair. . . . . .  I wonder if I can fix them with super glue.

AH  . . . . . DAMN I have super glued my trainers onto my feet

Mum has said IDIOT.

Diaries and Jannugras the Micro God of Autumnal Events.

I have spent much of the day pottering about doing little jobs here and there, but nothing interesting or of any great devastating news. This happens from time to time or should I say quite a lot and is probably one of the main reasons why folk are not generally great at writing diaries. But I am a persistent chap which is why the very nice Mr Steven Spielberg took out the injunction to keep me away, all that talk of I have the wrong man and wearing a huge false nose and pretending to be a greengrocer in Potters Bar, he cant fool me with his cunning ways.

Now as I was saying it is not easy to write a daily diary if you are an ordinary sort of chap like myself, after all we are seldom attacked by Zombies, Mr Jones has not seen a Alien space craft in weeks, the creatures of the woods are preparing for winter and howling a bit. The pheasants are still oblivious of the fact folk will come and shot at them, despite me telling them and trying to stop them running up to humans, smiling and asking for some grain….. They are stupid birds that’s for sure.  Dad has dismantled the weather machine looking for a fault and the dog is still in the Vatican teaching maths and Latin to seabirds.

So what did I do today, well I made a special pointy stick designed to help remove apples from a rather large and very old (a really old as in seriously old) apple tree. It is a big apple tree so a special pointy stick sort of helps. OOOooooo yes a word of advice do not stand under the branch you are shaking with the pointy stick while you are actually shaking it. I bet that Isaac Newt-Man would have changed his ideas a bit if he was attacked by a large swarm of apples hell bent on causing harm to his head…

And as well as apples falling, so are the leaves so our effigy of Jannugras the Micro God of Autumnal events is in position and ready for his offerings, in fact we are off tomorrow to the big village feast to celebrate the arrival of Autumnal events and the Autumn Micro Gods…

Ooooo I heard a man shouting today, he may have thought a large chicken was a Zombie, it is easily done in the Autumn evening light. I have noticed Zombies do walk a bit like chickens.    

The Return of the Curse of Harry Potter, Fantastic Beasts and Steven Spielberg and me

I noticed on the news last night that both Twitter and the Post Office seem to have decided to sell shares on the stock market, it somewhat amused me because it is a bit of a clash of technologies and philosophy. But I guess at the end of the day folk will rush out and buy which ever shares they think are the most likely to make loads of money, which in my humble opinion is neither . . . .  I guess that is not what they want to hear, but you would be far better investing in a rather strange film about a young slightly eccentric chap.

Which brings me to more shock news . . . . . . I also heard (rather ironically on Twitter) that there are plans to make a Harry Potter spin off film called something like Fantastic Beasts. I was in shock at first, I thought I had seen the last of Mr Harry Potter and His Wizard ways, sniggering at my humble steam powered spell machine. Just because if vibrated off the shelf and created its own hole in the floor to fall through before smashing to bits 15 floors lower when the boiler cooled down due to the air rushing past it as it fell. Him and all his Robsanidiotiosum Hahahaexplodious Excelentamusediam, Luckily it appears he will not be in the new film (O DEAR . . . . . . .HHAH HAHAH Hah hah ah hah ahha hhah ha ha ha ha hah ha ), poor old Harry. However,  I feel I have some good beasts right here in my own blog, what with Micro Gods and critters like the Dark Creature of the Undergrowth, The Banshees and the Lemmings of Petrograd.

If the nice Steven Spielberg had started making Rob Z Tobor the movie when I suggested we would have loads of beasts that are even better.  Still what can I say this is the way of the world for us simple ordinary folk living in the hills of the English Welsh borders, I bet I would not have this problem in Hollywood or Skegness…..

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them  . . . . ..  Really, I think the answer is OVER HERE . . . . .. . . . . Mum said I am an IDIOT

Anyway I have told all the pupils in School to keep an eye out (no it’s purely a silly saying I have not told them to remove their eye, this is not Hogwarts) for folk on broom sticks, and if they do see any to test their Zombie Defence Skills with their pointy Sticks. Talking of which I can say that they are rather effective on Media Studies teachers, although it turns out the Media Studies teacher is not a Zombie. This was finally proved by Esmeralda after some vigorous interrogation which Sir Alec Guinness in Tinker Tailor Teacher Spy would be proud of which is rather ironic bearing in mind it’s the Media Studies teacher.

Ooooooo The Monty Cardboard Robot Club have started to make a rocket……..WELL COOL.

And it rained today….

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A Hot Day in a Speeding Ice Cube

Today was all about heat because it was hot again, some say it was hotter than yesterday and they may be right. But one thing for sure is it was hot very very very hot. I bet as I moan about how hot it was and still is, even though it is well into the evening there are people in far off lands saying CALL THAT HOT,THAT’S NOT HOT,THIS IS HOT as they show off their tropical forest or desert, but there is one thing all these really hot places don’t have which makes the heat in Britain so much worse than anywhere else on Earth. They don’t have us British complaining about the weather, we are the best in the world at doing that and can make any day into an epic weather disaster with a HA HA HA and the wave of a hand.

So I have tried twice to cool down but on both occasions things did not go to plan so I am back just being hot because as I said just a few seconds ago it was very very very hot and I mean hot.

So Plan One was to freeze myself into a large block of ice but there are draw backs to this which I had not planned on, the first of which is it is rather difficult to move. I bet you are thinking he should have thought of that its obvious, but due to excessive heat my brain was not working and by the time I was frozen in the block of ice it was too late. And I had not anticipated the arrival of some rather annoying Arctic Terns, who I swear were laughing and sniggering while they sat on the ice. Finally it is not good to be at the top of a long slope trapped in a block of ice when it starts to slide down the full length of the High Street, Esmeralda said she never pushed it but I could not turn (tern, turn HAH HAHAH HHAh ah ah hahhah hahh hahahhah haha) round to see. The good thing is that if you are trapped in a large block of ice hitting a brick wall at high speed will get you out. But I was really hot then . . . . . . .PHEW.

Plan Two, have a nice long bath now what could possibly go wrong, well it appears when I emptied the bath it flooded the utility room so I had to clean it up and in the process got rather hot due to the heat of the day as it was very hot…….. Did I tell you it was very very very hot today, I mean it really hot……… 

The DAMN beast has gone for now PHEW

   

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Tunnock Tea Cakes, a Unicycle, the Weather and the contradictions of BBC Radio 4

The day had its contradictions and it is entirely the man at the BBC’s fault on that Today programme on Radio 4 that is on in the morning, you see I was listening to the radio having a nice cup of tea and trying to get my head into a state on normality. It takes time for me to get to a state of normal in the morning, I am not one of these folk who wake up all chirpy and bouncy and get up singing and smiling, in fact I would say I have still not reached that point by the evening when I go to bed, I blame it on a day that needs to be longer. Right . . . . . . . . . back to this contradiction; as the voices from the radio penetrated my head I suddenly heard talk of the weather and that some scientists are saying that we can expect to have wet summers for at least the next ten years or maybe longer. Well that sort of woke me up, are they really serious, ten years of wet British summers, apparently it is something to do with a warming North Atlantic and the jet stream or the like and there was talk of some localized anomaly in Shropshire that so far has defied normal scientific principles.  Some scientist said for all the world he would swear someone had a weather machine but they all laughed at such a foolish idea.

The contradiction arises from the fact today was hot very very hot and dry probably the hottest day we have had in the nearly two years we have lived at this location. It is very off putting, I have been brought up to believe the BBC and the men/women of Radio Four (formally the home service) they are like the rock of world affairs the steady voice of reason and an unbiased voice among the thousands of other radio stations pumping out propaganda or rubbish or both. Anyway after listening to that I got up  . . . . . . . . DAMN I have written this much and all I have done is listen to the radio and got up…….. How did that happen? I think I need to fast forward to the end of the day

So there you go after the arms fell off the aliens body Esmeralda escaped and Mr Jones was super gluing the alien back together as evidence. Freddie and his ferrets were able to return the roller skates to their rightful owner and the council will be filling the large hole in sometime in the morning, luckily we all got out and did a runner before they turned up to assess the damage. As for the Goat he is limping slightly but it is his own fault, he was told that drinking petrol is fraught with dangers and just because a man on a unicycle can do it does not mean a goat has too, although I was impressed by the goats ability to ride the unicycle, its just a shame he did not work out how to stop it.

Oooo yes I got to eat five hundred  Tunnocks Tea Cakes in one go  . . . . . . . .WELL COOL although I feel a little sick . . . . . . . .. Mum says IDIOT

   

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