A lovely sunny day and the rise of Zombie Mutantational LTD the decadent face of Western capitalist Zombies

OK I redrew this because the last time it turned out rubbish

Today was a lovely sunny day and so I spent part of it pottering about in the garden, as it happens I am not entirely sure what all this pottering is all about really. If I was standing on the lawn shouting Magicus cationum flybyx with a small pointy stick and a cat dressed up in a superman cape and mask then pottering would make some sense. As it would have back in the nineteen sixties when many folk lay about puffing away on dodgy substances; not something I did as it always seemed just to turn folk to mush. Folk would always say such things opened their minds to the weird and wonderful; I have to say I am not convinced as many of these opened minded folk now vote conservative, play golf and complain about the youth of today with their short hair and wearing clothes that look just a bit too small.  Then there was Bill and Ben the Flower Pot men they were about in the nineteen sixties and they were dead dodgy if you ask me.

Anyway I have lost the plot and need to return to the day which as I said was lovely and chilled. . . . . Well when I say chilled it was here but in the distance at various points things happened, yes OK stuff has to happen or the universe would fall apart and it will take ages to explain why so best just to glaze over the point quickly.  . . . . For NOW.

Yes as I was saying stuff happened, firstly those dragon flies were about again back and fore like dragonflies. Then the other Black Cat not ours got what I think was the slightly poorly pigeon, I was not happy pigeons are cool birds and although messy, are the friendliest critters you could ever chat too.  We chatted to Miss Jo and drank tea (Miss Jo is a person not a pigeon I’m not mad), I have eaten bacon and fried bread and I nearly saw two gliders. Then we heard the distant sound of some neighbours having a fight off in one direction while off in the other direction a chap was shooting at stuff well I say stuff it may have been his visitors, family and friends or pigeons, life in the country can have its moments. And our neighbours behind seem to have set fire to their chickens again, as its dark its hard to tell, but it smells like they are burning the chickens again, I think chickens must like fire.

Oooooo and I have invented a new word MutantationalS as in Zombie Mutantational LTD in others words . . . .  Mutantational is the decadent face of Western capitalist Zombies with their converse trainers and designer brain sandwiches and the like.

So no Big Questions dealt with today just a peaceful day in rural Shropshire.

Zombies, Flower Shows and Speed Limits

Yes sorry its an old picture today 

Cos I have been at a flower show

Well I have survived Sunday at the flower show where I was doing my bit as the go between, between the two parts. One part being the flowers in the village church and the other being the tea, coffee, cake and sandwiches in the village hall. It is hard apparently to find a go between these two buildings as they are on opposite sides of the road, and although very close to each other in a small sleepy village, our small sleepy village does not have a speed limit. So crossing the road can be a bit scary as folk passing through in cars look at the advisory 30mph speed limit sign and then drive through at 60mph plus. It is very inconsiderate of them indeed some have suggested that it might be due to the large beware of the Zombies sign I put up, well that and the two large life like Zombies placed near our one road junction holding axes (that’s the zombies not the junction holding the axes). I thought it best to alert passers by to the possible risk of Zombie attacks. These things always seem to start in small rural communities and it is best to be prepared.

Much to my surprise the village raised nearly two thousand pounds in all which is for the local church. I did suggest that we could make models of the Undead rising out of the ground in the church yard to slow down the motorists but some church folk were thinking it will make matters worse and the vicar did have a look of disapproval. But we gave the vicar huge amounts of cake and biscuits meat and other stuff. So next time he may be a little more Undead friendly or the vicar could be on double portions, he will certainly feel Undead with all that in him.

I have not spotted an alien in the Commonwealth Games yet but that is because of life and the complexities of getting through it in a rational and easy going way.  Involving as few trips across roads where folk are going too fast and seem rather sceptical about Zombies or even ordinary folk meandering along in a chilled and relaxed way.  I think folk need to learn life is not for rushing . . . . . unless running away from a Zombie holding a large axe near a road junction or the Undead are rising in the church yard. . . . . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN.

Ooooo it was not quite so hot today. . . . PHEW.

And I saw a frog.

Star Jelly, Sundays, Rain and Birthdays

Well its Sunday and as I have said many times Sunday in cyberspace is quiet much as it is the real world, today has not been helped by the continuing rain, wind and cold which continues to dominate the minds of many. Us Brits love to moan about the weather and just at present there is much to moan about.  Still Doris the Steam Powered Duck is happy enough going round and round in her pond, occasionally peering over at the star jelly which still sticks out from under the patio in a slightly menacing way. I still have not found out what this stuff is and Mr Jones is never going to convince me it’s an alien, and his attempts to communicate with the jelly substance so far has proved fruitless. Although I will say the jelly is the right colour for a fruitless Jelly . . . . HAH HAH AH HA HAH HA HAH AH HHAH AH HA H HAH  HAH HA H HAH Hha ha ha ha hah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Star Jelly

The Ghost Writer and Mrs Ghost Writer, Mr Charlie and Miss Jane were here last night and we all ate curry as it is Mrs Ghost Writers Birthday today (happy Birthday Mrs Ghost Writer). Luckily this year I have been able to give her a unique present something that under normal circumstances is almost impossible to buy and would no doubt cost huge amounts of money to purchase. . . . . I have given Mrs Ghost Writer a jar of Alien Jelly although she did not look quite as pleased as I was hoping she might.

I am wondering if I could sell Alien Star Jelly on E bay it is elusive stuff and may sell for loads of money. Mind you my efforts to get the local conservationist and wildlife folk interested did not go well they apparently say aliens, particularly jelly ones are outside the parameters of their constitution and folk might laugh at them. . . . . . . . . . Well they laughed at Sir Walter Raleigh until he invented the bicycle and now look, we all use them to go to the chip shop. . . . . . . 

Star Jelly

A photo taken a few nights ago

How to use an Umbrella on a Sunday

It has been and still is, not a nice day, I refer to the weather, in fact it is worse now that it was earlier with the wind picking up and the rain increasing somewhat. Luckily it should not get windy enough to cause us any problems and despite the fact the front lawn is under an inch of water we are not going to flood due to the position of the house. But being Sunday means it is quiet and with the weather the way it is, it’s very quiet indeed, not even a Zombie is going to stagger about groaning in this. Interestingly one thing I have never seen before is a Zombie with an umbrella, I’m sure they must know about them and they are technically not hard to use.

Actually I take that point about the use of umbrellas back, because one thing I have noticed on the various news clips of the terrible weather Britain is having is that in many of then folk are battling against the wind and rain with umbrellas.  As you might expect I can hear you type, but in most of these cases the umbrellas are being flipped inside-out and the folk holding them looking stressed and wet. You see there are one or two important points to using umbrellas and these days they are even more important due to the ever increasing use of the small collapsible umbrella; a device which I think we can say is rubbish.  O yes the collapsible   brolly might be convenient to have when it is not raining but they certainly are not when it is raining unless you don’t know how to use an umbrella then at least they will flip inside- out and back again all day long.

So using a brolly correctly first you need to keep the front edge down and pointing into the wind, lift it up to far and the wind gets underneath and will do its best to pull it out of your hand or turn it inside out. You also need to keep the thing close to your head not three feet above it unless it’s a sun brolly or as posh folk call them parasols, try that in Britain and you will be a goner unless you are called Mary Poppins. Best not to tell folk you are Mary Poppins lets face it nobody liked her and she set Britain back 100 years in the minds of the rest of world.   The final point with an umbrella is they become unmanageable once the wind gets to a certain speed and it is like trying to hold a wild man eating mutant seagull over your head and lets face it if it was a wild man eating mutant seagull you would not hang onto its legs and hope it will keep you dry. So once the wind speed gets to the point you can no longer maintain dignity with a umbrella it is better just to fold it up and get out the rain as fast as possible rather than appear on the BBC news looking silly and holding a wild man eating mutant seagull.

Oooooooo yes I have done a bit of arty stuff today so all has not been lost,  although I have probably lost something somewhere today as I tend too most days. One advantage of having glue all over my hands is that I tend not to lose stuff as it tends to be attached to my fingers……

Liberties of London, a small Japanese Sheepdog and Zombies from the Wizard of Oz....

Sundays as I have said before have been very quiet in cyberspace, however this can be good and bad depending on how you think of cyberspace. If you see it as a party in a large hall full of interesting folk and you turn up and find they are all at home and the only person to speak too is a small Japanese sheepdog who has had a bad day and is rambling on about lions, tin robots and straw men. Having first lost his barrel of brandy then the sheep refusing to cooperate, that are now all outside with protest banners saying We Prefer Welsh Sheepdogs; Well then Sunday is not a good day to be wandering about in cyberspace. But if you think of cyberspace as a big store like Harrods or Liberties of London and you have turned up and it is entirely empty except for say a little old lady who is testing umbrellas by stabbing at manikins with them and shouting don’t you come round here with your furry gingerbread penguin ONESIE ASKING if I have seen the Zombie from the Wizard of Oz . . .(sorry distracted a bit there), then Sundays are a great day. Where you can run up and down the aisles doing things like drawing a moustache on the Mona Lisa or sending slinky’s  up and down in the lifts to confuse them. Or making Lemon Bon Bon sweet circles so that on Monday morning the staff will assume the store has been visited by aliens, until they see the moustache on the Mona Lisa, then they will blame me…….. They did last time……..

So what did I do today well I re-potted a palm, that’s the plant not the part of someone’s hand; I have worked out that the Ghost Writers car has a hydraulic problem so may not need a new clutch; I dug a small hole and I defrosted a small freezer. OOOoooooo and I ate a pork pie . . . . . . YUM

I also discovered an ancient wooden monument designed to point at the moon in the early evening, I have not worked out what the exact significance of this monument was in the past, although I have reason to believe it was to do with harnessing the power of electricity from lightning strikes which was then used to light flares for the various Micro Gods of our ancestors, ancestors such as little old ladies testing umbrellas who would navigate using the light of the flares to avoid Zombies in ruby red slippers out walking their dog Toto, a small Japanese sheepdog that has lost its sheep somewhere on the notorious Curdsand Way.     

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A traditional Sunday in a funny sort of way

Today has been a funny day, when I say funny I do not mean in a light up revolving bow tie sort of way with amusing fish and small mechanical boxes that chuckle and giggle at anything and everything particularly if it involves an amusing fish. NO I refer to funny as in sort of odd but not odd say like a three headed goose singing close harmony acapella church music to the tune of Smoke on the Water, I simply refer to it being a funny day as in the old saying meaning it has been a funny sort of day.  I think I should leave trying to explain this and get to the point.

After a chilled sort of start to the day, it was (is) Sunday after all; I decided to do a bit of Cardboard Arty stuff as I have things to finish as part of The Monty Cardboard Robot Clubs expansion plans into the giddy heights of artist elitism. We plan to make up complex arty stories to confuse the punters and then charge them loads of money. . . . .  Mr F had to head off along the twisty roads towards home, although I must admit after the first twenty miles he was on motorways most of the way and they are not really twisty.

Then Mr Bruce and Miss C called by to see us, we have not seen them in ages, so we had a long chat before we had to run off to see Mr M in his new Hospital. He appears much happier in his new hospital, I got to play with the controls to his all singing and dancing bed, all sing and dancing is another silly saying because things like beds seldom do either let alone both at the same time.

So that was my day , I have noticed that Sundays are starting to get like the old Sundays talked about by folk who remember the old days when Sundays were really low key and you would spend the afternoon watching an old black and white cowboy film starring Gary Cooper or if you were really desperate Rin Tin Tin.

OOOOoooooo hang on what’s that you say Skippy; Rin Tin Tin fell down the old mine shaft and was eaten by aliens . . . . . . . . . . HAH HAH HAH AH HAH Ahah hah ahah hah ah ha hah ah aah h ahahah hahah ah ah ahahahhah aha h aha ha haha ha ha ha . . . . . 

Climbing hills, Art and Gazebos Flying South for the Winter....

Today saw the arrival of one of Britain’s truly classic events, something that has happened as regular as clockwork (we all love a bit of clockwork stuff) since the beginning of time, or at least the beginning of Britain. Yes today saw the arrival of a cold dull damp windy Sunday, just like the old days when grown men were small and small children were told to climb the chimney because it needed a bit of a clean.  Here in the rural areas of Britain this old method was very quickly superseded by using a chicken that would be lowered down the chimney by a rope tied to its legs. It was very effective because the poor old chicken would flap about madly dislodging all the soot, it was then often eaten for Sunday dinner, but although we still eat the chicken for Sunday dinner, it is bad form these days to clean your chimney with them first. I think it is still OK to send children up a chimney but it is seriously bad form to eat them afterwards and you will not be popular.

At one point this morning our gazebo attempted to escape by flying; now gazebos are quite good at takeoff, but lack any ability to manoeuvre with any sense of dignity, and quite frankly landing it beyond them.  I can understand that a lonely gazebo having watched all the swallows fly south for the winter would be keen to join them, but they do not have a natural ability at migration and are better hibernating in a shed or the like, much like a hedgehog. Anyway the gazebo now has a sore leg and will limp from now on, dad plans to fix it like new which might mean it will turn into an albatross shaped gazebo in order to give it a fighting chance of reaching a hotter climate next year.

We also went up a steep hill this afternoon to listen to the marches choir sing madrigals and other people playing flutes and a violin. Now some of you will note, this is not really the sort of music I would normally go to, but and it’s a big but round here they do great cakes and food so I was enticed by the thought of afternoon tea with loads of local homemade cakes . . . . .  I was not disappointed they were good.

As you can tell I have returned from the top of the hill where it was rather windy at times and now plan to do traditional Sunday Evening stuff in the best tradition of British life. Which is eat more food and lie about in a dishevelled manner on a sofa pondering Life the Universe and Everything. I will forgo the usual Sunday evening television however as it is probably rubbish and instead ponder the possibilities of Cardboard sculpture and its place in British art today. As Arty folk have to be thinking arty things all the time, it is entwined in the DNA of artists.   

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Paralympics closing ceremony 2012, Coldplay and Steam Punk

Sunday and a much cooler day. A day that feels like autumn is starting, particularly as there is the odd leaf falling off some plants. So we have started to dismantle the covered canopy over the patio at the back of the house, it was planned that we would have a big barbeque and invite all our friends but then we got involved in sorting things out, doing things that needed doing, doing things that might have needed doing, putting all the things away from doing things that did or might have needed doing. And we are now doing things that need to be done before the weather breaks and it is wet; like it was in the summer. So the result of all this is the party (barbeque) never happened, well has not yet, we will have a party at some point, we are just not sure when….. I am told this is normal, as human beings we have commitments that drive our daily day such as my diary or the dog eating bones, the result is what gets left out is the parties and drinking cocoa lying on the beach or tightrope walking over the car park of the out of town supermarket to annoy the manager.

I hope to be back later to give a final verdict on the Paralympics which have gone remarkably well for Great Britain as tonight is the closing ceremony. The opening one was well cool although I believe the closing one might have a lot of Coldplay in it, I quite like Coldplay’s music but they are not always the chirpiest bunch in the world.  I’m not sure what they then do with the stadium and all the other buildings, although I think some are due to be removed, I just hope they don’t waist them.  I say that because a friend designed a building for the millennium exhibition that could be dismantled and rebuilt outside afterwards only it was just trashed and destroyed, which was a terrible waste….

There is much talk of the great Olympic/Paralympics legacy but we will see in a couple of months when it is windy cold and raining.  

Sorry it is a quiet day, it is Sunday and next Sunday there will be no closing ceremony to discuss later it will be me and the dog betting on two flies walking up a window pane.

Ooooo that reminds me, we live in a classic 1970’s bungalow with huge UPVC windows; we have noticed that the flies like to sit on the UPVC pooing and doing what flies do. So me and the dog plan to invent a new substance called Fliesgone that you wipe on your UPVC frame and the flies go AAAAAAAAAAuuuuuugggghhhhhh and run off (fly off).

See you later




LATER

I have returned to give my assessment of the closing ceremony of the Paralympics which has just finished as I write. It was rather good I was well impressed, even Coldplay looked like they were thinking WOW but they were right in the middle of a lot of amazing stuff. And they were fairly chirpy too. What was really special about the whole thing was it had a STEAMPUNK theme, now how cool is that. As you know we have always been keen on steam powered things in my diary, dads only real grumble was there were no armadillos, which when you think the next Paralympics is in South America would have been a clever link, it appears they used a piranha fish instead. But what can you say except well done to someone, the only thing I would have done is loose a couple of songs from the middle and it would have been perfect. There is always a desire to tweak things just a bit longer than needed.

Maybe steam punk will be trendy now, now that would be a cool legacy although not the one planned I guess. I bet anyone living near the closing ceremony got woken up by the fireworks at the end there were a lot of them… 

Towards the end the Chicken did start to loose interest but he loves fairy cakes.

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The Aliens and the lumberjack

I have been outside today in the sun being a lumberjack. The first odd thing about this is the obvious one, there is the word sun included in that sentence. Yes its bank holiday Sunday and sunny, very odd particularly as all the weather men on the wireless told us it was due to rain loads and the sun is not due until possibly August. The second odd thing about this is as mum points out is I am a child and I am outside in the sun doing things, when I should be attached to a games consol killing aliens like normal children.

As it happens I don’t have any games consoles and if I want to kill aliens I’m sure there are plenty in the woods. Mr Jones says there are loads of aliens in the woods and he has been abducted several times and prodded with probes, mum says Mr Jones is an IDIOT which is odd because why would aliens abduct an idiot rather than a genius. But then maybe they don’t know he is an idiot and think he is a genius. I have suggested that to mum but she says that if the Aliens think Mr Jones is a genius then they are IDIOTS. Still they say there is a fine line between being a genius and being an idiot, so me and the dog are planning to investigate the woods tomorrow for fine lines. Assuming it is another hot day as the weather men on the wireless still insist it will rain all day.

I have learnt something very interesting today about lumberjacks. I have never been a lumberjack before (OK I might have, I cant remember we are talking nearly 300,000 words now). But it does not mean to lumber, as in chop up Jack with an axe and a chain saw…………AH.

Me and the dog luckily had plenty of super glue, and I am good at building cardboard robots out of an assortment of bits. I’m sure it didn’t help that the dog spent a while chewing his arm before mum shouted at us. Jack has run off (Limped) home now and seems fine (ish) well sort of. Although Jack was like those IKEA flat pack kits you get, there is always something left over that you don’t know where it goes. The dog says he will have it for his evening meal with a glass of wine and maybe some lamb. 
  

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Fox News .... Professor Abraham van Helsing revels all in The Sun on Sunday. Meanwhile another branch of Shrubs is axed

After another game of paper scissors stone I found myself pruning two rather large shrubs near the top of our garden, close to the drive, OK yes that makes us sound like we live in some sort of yuppy mansion. As you know we don’t, we live in classic 1970’s bungalow with over sized UPVC double glazed windows previously owned by a little old lady for something approaching thirty years. So while I pruned (not the fruit, but with a saw) everyone else was painting a room a dark mulberry colour.  

As you all know we do not entirely like the inside of our house white, so dark mulberry is much better. There is a great master plan which mum and dad have although I am not allowed to know master plans because they say I then put them in my diary, but I have explained that is the whole point of a diary.

OK yes the pruning why is it what looks like a small branch when attached to a large shrub turns out to be huge when it is falling towards you from a great height and then takes three people to shift it.  Unfortunately there was only me as the dog said it was not a bone and therefore of no interest although he did rattle out some sort of Latin name for the shrub adding Yo Ho Ho Three men in a Shrub.

On the wireless I noticed that Mr Murdoch from News International is saying he plans to have a new Sunday newspaper to replace the News of the World called The Sun on Sunday. Napoleon Beelzebub has just added oooo yes that reminds me I better do some paperwork just in CASE; I am not sure what that means.  Now you will be thinking why mention this, but I have a reason. In cyberspace one of my followers (now I sound like some sort of leader ….. I am not) a Mr Van Helsing or Batman to his friends, has told me that I wrongly accused the Fox of chewing off the leg of Elvis (that’s Spy Elvis not the one on the moon) and it was in fact the Squirrels so I think I need to contact Mr Murdoch as I think I have his first major headline for the first edition of the Sun on Sunday.

“Breaking News Fox innocent, Squirrels chewed off the leg of Elvis. Batman revels all.”

 Professor Abraham van Helsing says its a dam shame, that News International has had the life blood sucked out of it. Luckily I sold my stake in the company some time ago and bought commodities in particular silver bullets, things are looking Grave.

Apparently Ex News International reporter Mr Vamp is available for hire HAAHAH HAHAH HAH AHHA HHAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HHAH HAhah hah hahaha haha hhah hah ha …………. …… AH ………………. …………………….. ……………………. Mum says IDIOT

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Its Life Jim but not as we know it, the high wire, chainsaws and Goldfish fritters

Sunday on a typical average quiet autumn day can be very quiet and this was the case today. I think everyone is in a slight state of limbo as the house is slowly vanishing into boxes and therefore I no longer know exactly where anything is. What with that and the making things and training the dog to tightrope walk blindfolded while juggling chainsaws. We really are somewhat disjointed at present. 

When I say disjointed I don’t mean the dog has been removing bits of us accidently with the chainsaws when he drops them while practicing his high wire act. No it’s life that is disjointed (not as in its life Jim but not as we know IT but as in Life the Universe and Stuff). Now look I’m off on a tangent now when I need to be back writing a diary and mum has shouted IDIOT at me from the roof. She is repairing the satellite dish for her sub ether short wave radio which she contacts her spy friends on although I am not allowed to say that ………….. AH. Mum has shouted IDIOT at me again and has thrown a roof tile at me. She threw that a bit wide so when I ducked it has hit Mr Jenkins’s greenhouse. You know the Armadillo greenhouse which mum and dad built for him way back in the early pages of book one. PHEW that was a long time ago time flies.

I have managed to move some heavy bits from one place to another so that they can be moved again before we move; then we will be able to move them to the new house so we can move them to their new finally place of rest. Moving house is apparently like this; a lot of thing are moved several times unless of course you pay loads of money to a gang of 400 men who turn up at midnight on the day of moving and move it all in one go to the new house. But if you do that dad tells me it takes twenty five years to find everything again and in general you give up half way through and hide half the boxes and then forget what is in them.

That would be just too stressful for me and dad the thought of loads of boxes with stuff in that we would never be able to unpack and leaving all those things lying about in sheds for years to look at, thinking one day that will be really useful. Mum has shouted IDIOT again and hit Fluffy the cat with a tile now. It’s a bit windy so her aim is rubbish. It has put the dog off his high wire act too he has fallen in the pond with three chainsaws running. The dog is OK, I think but we will be having Goldfish fritters for tea now …………… YUM mum has shouted IDIOT again.

Anyway as I said  at the start just your average quiet Sunday in the Welsh hills really.