The Shape of the Universe and Tea Bags

Now I have been busy, very busy, but not in a constructive way but in a OOooooo the grass needs cutting and those weeds are huge, and I better do that little job tightening up those bolts on that thing over there and paint that bit over there. So basically  just everyday life and the Universe sort of stuff. What this means is the poor old diary is getting neglected again and such a thing will not do. To resolve this I am cheating  . . . . Well sort of cheating and repeating an old post from way back in time. And some of you will have noticed I have mentioned the Universe and Time and plan to go off and have a cup of tea the moment I finish here and that leads us smoothly and efficiently to my old post 

The Shape of the Universe and Tea Bags 

My diary of late has got rather quiet its existence in the parallel media's of cyberspace both showing signs that the great masses have left leaving only a few die hards and my good friends at GCHQ who know that it is better to monitor a friendly face rather than that of an annoyed face, or worse still an angry face. Would you while waiting in the rain at the bus stop in a queue for the bus that is late rather watch the smiling man or the angry man who might see you looking at him, I think the choice is plain always watch the happy man it is safer.

 And so tonight after a quiet day and I mean quiet (although we are off to Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café tonight for a meal) I have decided to discuss the shape of the universe. As you know only a couple of days ago I mentioned the origin of life and as a result Mr H from the cyber-world asked me if I knew the shape of the universe. Now I know it is not something that most folk know but funnily enough I do, so I thought I could let you all know too. I have sort of mentioned this to Mr H already in reply to his comment because he knew it had to do with tea bags but was getting a bit confused and I forgot to mention the exact shape of the tea bag to him (very sorry Mr H) so I will now clarify it to everyone. I am going for my second Nobel Prize in less that a week. 

 So consider a round teabag (a bit like a squashed flying Saucer) and that you could fold the edge back into the middle to a point known as The Absolute point of Universe, the point where the so called big bang occurred. And you then flattened out the teabag into a teabag shape again you would fundamentally have a teabag with no edges, which is important because the universe can not have edges just a force to hold its shape together (the material of the teabag itself). The tea in the teabag is then split equally between the two sides of the teabag either side of The Absolute Point of Universe a point so small not even an electron can get through it, this tea is the substance of the universe itself planets, stars and the like, and one side represents matter the other Antimatter. The fabric of the teabag where it is squashed together can therefore sometimes get small holes worn in it due to the forces generated and these are called Black Holes where the matter falls into the antimatter.

Of course the sort of flying saucer shape is created by the spin of the universe where material is thrown out along the line of centrifugal effect; however the one thing that can ruin a good universe is a huge kettle of hot water which destroys many of the forces that hold it together. And this can be made much worse by God squeezing the teabag against the side of his mug turning everything we know and understand into a soggy shapeless mass.

I hope next time you are asked what is the Shape of the Universe you will all say ………..AH FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THAT BECAUSE. . . . . . . .

Well this is an old post so anyone who claims they have solved the shape of the Universe and claims it looks like a teabag is probably guilty of plagiarism and I will therefore demand they hand over the noble prize pronto or else. 

Right time for that cup of tea. . . . 

How fast are we all going. . . . The Big Question

Have you ever wondered about how fast you are moving, well its time to think about this because it is important? Because it does not matter how slowly you try to travel it turns out you are travelling much faster than you ever thought. The average person walks about at about 3 miles an hour going backwards and forwards and eating stuff during pauses, it does not sound impressive. But of course the Earth rotates, so someone at the equator is rotating with the Earth at about a speed of 1000 MPH which is impressive although you need to remember you are only travelling 3 MPH faster than a slug and you might even be travelling slower that a slug if you are walking against the ration, so heading west I think. Of course you could be sneaky and stand on one of the poles (the Earth's poles not a long stick) and then you will just be slowly spinning on the spot.

Well that would be fine except the Earth rotates round the Sun which is why we have years so even sat on the North Pole you are still moving through space while rotating slowly so now we are all moving at 66,500 MPH. I mean that is fast but remember that slug is still sat next to you looking smug (A Smug Slug); all this speed it relative to everything else.

So far it has been easy even the slug is fairly chilled about this, although slightly concerned about how fast he/she is going but it is going to get much faster, you see the Sun is in one of the arms of the Milky way our own galaxy (no not the chocolate) and that is also moving as well as rotating and it appears that the result of all this is we are moving in relationship to the Cosmic Background at a speed of 1.2 million MPH.  Now that is fast, very fast and what it means that ever hour of every day we move 1.2 million miles in the universe so if you go out for the day, say shopping and arrive home 10 hours later your home has moved position in universe by at least 12 million miles. Now that is a long way.

And to make things even worse it might just be that the Cosmic Background Radiation that is used as the reference to tell how fast we are travelling could be part of a moving universe. And bearing in mind each step involves a huge leap in speed then we could be travelling seriously fast indeed within some sort of unknown dimensional thing. I say some sort of unknown dimensional thing because I reckon my guess is as good as that Professor Brian Cox chap, and yes he smiles a lot, but he is a clever bastard and that’s for sure (OOooo sorry about the word I had that Ian Dury song in my head)

What this does mean though is that you are never in the same part of the universe twice and nor is the slug even if you think you are because all the other stuff is moving too. You need to think of the universe like a huge motorway that we are hurtling along as fast as we can in the fastest car you can get, blindfolded and with no brakes. This is fine until say a goat or something similar (maybe an Armadillo) wanders out in front of us (you), when it suddenly all goes wrong and that is the End of Everything. It is also the point when you realise just how fast you are going as bits fly about in random chaos.

 Talking of the end of Everything . . . .  I have mentioned that the 21^st September is the End of the World, and now you know why . . . . . . . Damn those Cosmic Armadillos. 

Einstein, The Theory of Relativity, Chaos Theory and a Chicken

While listening to the wireless this morning there was a little article on about Einstein who as we all know was a clever chap. I did not hear all of what they were saying because it was before 9.00am and far too early for me to focus on Einstein or even the cat at that time of the morning.  Anyway I sort of heard someone say something about how his theory of relativity resulted in a rational structured model of the Universe.

Well it was that statement that finally woke me up, well when I say woke I grunted and sort of pored tea into myself and waved at a terrible blinding light, which turned out to be a bed side light.  You see saying the Universe is structured and rational fails to take into account something rather important and that is time.  OK yes I know what you are thinking, saying Einstein has not thought about time is like saying the Chicken has never thought about crossing the road.

But the key point is not so much time, but the rate at which time passes or the time, time takes to pass. Think of a car crash if you slow it down so that the few seconds it takes can be watched over a period of several hours then it becomes a predictable event. We can watch things fly about hit one another and predict the outcome.  Well the Universe is basically a car crash in slow motion, our own life span is so short relatively, that we only see a tiny fraction of the event and it all looks rather structured.  If it was speeded up millions of times it would just appear to be a rather chaotic and disorganized fireworks display.

So consider the following options

If I was to say the Earth will be destroyed in ten million years folk would say Gosh well that’s OK and carry on without a worry.

If I then said the Earth will be destroyed in one thousand years folk would say well that’s not long is it, but hey I’ll be OK.

If you tell folk the Earth will be destroyed in one day’s time folk will run about panicking and eating ice cream.

You see it is not the event that is scary but the timing, tell a Mayfly the Earth has only one day left and he will say that’s an entire lifetime, Phew that is lucky for me.  It is a known fact that Andromeda and the Milky Way will collide in about four billion years and that the moon is moving away from earth at about two inches a year and will one day vanish off and cause chaos in our own solar system. Plus the sun is due to become a Red Dwarf and will swallow the earth up. You see the Universe is just Chaos theory in slow motion so when I heard that Einstein’s Theory of Relativity was been used to suggest the Universe was structured I thought Noooooooooooooooo the Universe is chaos. . . . Well mine is most of the time.

Anyway don’t panic the Earth will not be destroyed for at least a few more weeks yet so there is loads of time . . . . AH well a bit of time and as I have already said time is entirely an abstract idea.

How fast does stuff change . . . . .The Big Question

I have just been thinking, and thought I need to write one of those big questions again before the masses get distracted by a passing seagull and wander off into the night never to return. So what sort of big Question will I write and this is it . . . .  How fast does stuff change, the Big Question. I know you are all thinking WHAT? Exactly what is he on about now. Well it may all seem a bit abstract but it is a really interesting question. You see change is all relative, to some things change slowly and to others they change really fast and the same is true in nature. You see a Mayfly lives for about a day so to a Mayfly a day is an entire lifetime and to us it’s a day.

Now the thing is these days almost everyone over here in the decadent west has a mobile phone or a computer and any small child would just assume that these things have been about for like ever. But tell that small child that stuff like computers and mobile phones were something that just did not exist when you were young and they will look confused.  In fact most modern technology, stuff like satellite navigation or touch screen things were devices from Star Trek and even Star Trek is old to some . . . . If I said. . .  Its Life Jim but not as we know it to a small child it will tell me to ****** off because they will not have a clue what I’m on about. . . add . . .its the Engines Jim they will nay take it and they will think I’m an Idiot. Television is a relatively new device, and it was only 1903 just over 100 years ago when man made his first powered flight. Folk don’t give aeroplanes a second thought these days and there are millions of the damn things moving people and things all over the world.

But all these things are changes; things that quietly happen around us, most of us don’t really notice these sorts of changes so the big changes like shifting continental shelves or the fact the Sun in real terms has a rather limited life span in relation to the likes of the universe don’t even register as change. It is estimated that over 99% of all life that has lived on planet Earth has become extinct and it is said that about a dozen species of living things become extinct every day. But we don’t notice these changes.

Even in towns, at one time most houses had a fireplace where folk would set fire to lumps of coal and roast the cat but this is not so common in the big metropolis’s and I am told there are children who have never seen an open fire. . . YICKS I must be old (we still have one).  I can say that for many years on my trips up north to Scotland I used to travel on the Flying Scotsman and Steam was the norm until they introduced those huge great Deltic Class 55 trains and look what happened to them when was the last time anyone saw one of them. Folk used to have to use tin baths and an outside toilet. In the town I previously lived in I have talked to some of the older members of the community who remember stuff like that. These are things that have happened in a single lifetime. So change is important because it would be damn useful to know what exactly is likely to change in the next thirty years or so (after that I will be too old or away with the fairies so will not care anyway)

So there you have it another big Question . . . . . . . . . sort of not answered a bit.

I think the best think to do is to think of mankind as a tiny blink of light that is almost unnoticeable in the huge voids of the universe. Well of course I do not include myself in that tiny blink I’m a camera flash (an old fashioned fixed plate camera flash. they were real flashes not like digital cameras they are rubbish).

L is for Light

I know it has nothing to do with light

But this is my Album, sounds rubbish but looks Cool

Light is complex stuff indeed, it all looks dead simple, switch a light on and what happens loads of light (unless it is bust, that’s the light bulb not the light). And we all know that light travels in straight lines unless some smart arse sticks a prism in its way and we get a nice rainbow; a result of the different wavelengths or as we like to call them colours.  We also know that light will travel huge distances and for long periods of time. They can look at stars and stuff now so far away that it has taken almost the entire lifetime of the universe to get to our planet which is a serious length of time, so light has staying power.   However as a simple chap with a curious mind what I want to know is how come light can keep going so long, most things run out of steam and come to a grinding halt in the end. I keep being told that movement uses energy and so in order to keep the movement going more energy is required and that a perpetual motion machine is physically impossible. So how come light just keeps going until it sort of hits a brick wall or a planet such as Earth where the light is turned to heat. Yes we all know that Energy can not be destroyed only changed so light is hardy stuff. What I need is the IDIOTS Guide to Light. I vaguely remember someone saying there was no light in the early universe, but I am not sure I believe that, a big bang with no light I think not, that is like a Disco without Barry White.  

Anyway I would have written something far more interesting but I have been drumming and have been involved in other stuff today all day till now, so this is a sort of AH DAMN sit down start typing O MY GOD IS THAT THE TIME. I blame the Time King, Yes Mr Time King YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE   . . . What starts with the letter L  Yes Yes Lizards do, but they are really hard to write about., much like lino or leaves.  

AAAAAAuuuuuuuuggggHHHHHHH.      

Does this make sense . . . . . . . I will read it tomorrow . . . . . . . .. . . .   

AAAAAAuuuuuuuuggggHHHHHHH. . . . . .Again       

G is for Ghouls, Ghosts and Gardeners

A useful tip that folk may not know about is be selective with who you use as a Gardener because Ghosts, Ghouls and Gargoyles can be a little obstinate and will tend to go off and do their own thing. And saying to them NO NO I was thinking of maybe a cherub balancing on the back of a dauphin, sorry I mean dolphin; OOOOo no a dauphin would be good, in the fish pond, not the four horsemen of the apocalypse. . . . . . . And yes the blood red dye in the water is very effective but will clash with the goldfish a bit . . . . Hang on are those piranha fish. . . .  Will only make them stare at you like you are a fool and know nothing and that the new sulphur bed with its noxious gasses and sharp pointy things is now so much better that the old flower bed with its Gladioli and Garibaldi Biscuits . . . . . sorry I mean bluebells.

That’s the last time we use UNDIG Gardeners Ltd with their catchy slogan . . . . The UnDig Have Risen from the Grave, no job to small……….  

And if you are wondering what happened to my diary and I might be in a couple of year’s time when I look back to see what I was doing . . . . AH Sorry about that, particularly if you are me.

The Ghost Writer and the Chaos of Life in a Real Universe

Many of you might have been thinking . . . . . HANG ON where has that Rob Z Tobor chap vanished off too, it is not like him . . . . .  And true enough it is not like me to vanish from the dark voids of cyberspace without warning, however as with all things in the universe, all things are linked in some way. In my case things are rather closely linked the fortunes of the Ghost Writer, when I say fortunes I refer more to the events of his life rather than a fortune as in money terms as he is a penniless shambolic waster.  Anyway the point is, if all is a bit chaotic for the Ghost Writer then all is chaotic inside the strange alternate universe of Rob Z Tobor, it is the way things are.

You see Mrs Ghost Writer the wife of the Ghost Writer (a deduction I suspect you can work out yourself) was whisked off to hospital on Friday morning after a couple of days of rather extreme pain with  acute Appendicitis. They then operated on her on Saturday, I think the plan was to do the op on Friday but due to a little flurry of emergencies the operating schedule sort of got scrambled.  To add to the complexity of this was the fact that the Ghost Writer has had major car problems which got more complicated when  the Ghost Writers car made a huge bang only a couple of miles from the garage as he was driving it home having been repaired. Luckily this was not as bad in the end as it appeared and the main result is a very noisy indicator, however the original fault occurred on the Saturday while he planned to visit Mrs Ghost Writer so he used our car instead.  Unfortunately it had a major power steering fault at the hospital and the Ghost Writer had a bit of a fight to get the car and himself and Mr F home.  Not helped by power steering fluid dripping onto the front tyres making the car a bit scary to keep in a straight line.

Luckily Mr F had already planned to arrive up on Friday so as he arrived to see Mr and Mrs Ghost Writer on Friday morning they were able to say . . . . . See you later Mr F we are off to the hospital . . . .  As I have already mentioned the Ghost Writer is a penniless shambolic waster and to that we can also add scatty forgetful and disorganised, so Mr F being about I’m sure was rather helpful.

So why have I managed to return tonight, well you see Mrs Ghost Writer is recovering and all being well will be home tomorrow, Mrs Ghost Writer has had a lot of operations over the last thirty years so there were slight complexities to the op, but all looks good at present. So the Ghost Writer is a bit more chilled. Mr F has now headed home as he has many things to do himself. And at least one car appears to be sort of working almost allowing the Ghost Writer to get about.

In turn it now means I have a small window in the chaos of daily life to sit and write my diary, It has all been a little more complex (that’s Life), than we would all want it and that means free time has been minimal. Diaries strangely never get written when loads and loads of stuff is happening due to a lack of time, ironically the very time you need to write a diary to keep track of stuff.

Mind you I don’t think anyone has really noticed I was gone . . . . . the nice Mr Steven Spielberg will not be impressed by that, I will have to reduce my fee again . . . . . DAMN

Life, the Universe and Harry Potter

Today as we all know is the start of a fresh year or the day after yesterday, and depending on how you view these events makes one look rather grander than the other. It has also been a rather wet and grey day with wild winds blowing turning it into a horrible day, so I have done a tiny bit of DIY, I say tiny because even inside it can be difficult to get all fired up and keen when it is wet, windy, cold and grey outside. I even did something really really terrible this afternoon I watched the first Harry Potter film again, you know back in the day when young Harry was a likeable young wizard with his innocent startled rabbit face, eyes blinking into the great abyss of the future and it made me realise that Harry Potter (we have never seen eye to eye by the way) and what happened to him is a classic reflection on life the universe and everything.

You see there he was young likeable chirpy and sort of happy go lucky-ish at first, but as he grows up so he appears to have the world and its problems burdening him down and he starts to lose his chirpy quirky ways and turns dead grumpy, life gets darker and darker and those funny little bits of magic lose there humorous sparkle. Then as the years go on he sneaks an extra film in to make a bit more money with his part one and part two merchandising scam.  Then vanishes off into the distance and obscurity to do whatever Harry is doing . . . . . . Well . . . I can tell you right now we will have none of that with me; I remain chirpy  . . . . OK grumpy-ish and have no plans to sneak in extra films just for the hell of it. And I can assure everyone that I will always be an innocent (OK not rabbit looking) startled faced chap with eyes blinking into the great abyss of the future even when I am old and grumpy like the Ghost Writer . . . . And there will always be a place in my diary for a goat to be catapulted into the out of town supermarket or a Zombie or two to tap dance on the piano at Uncle Fred’s Funeral, or Mr Jones to chase the ice cream van up the high street naked because it is playing the theme song to Close Encounters of the Third Kind. . . . You will never see Harry Potter doing stuff like that  . . . . O NO and he dos not have a Steam Powered Duck or a Pointy Stick.

The Theory of Shrinking Matter and the Solution of the Universe and Dark Energy.

The Ghost Writer was in his office today although he says it was very odd because there was almost no one there and because the entire IT system was working as it should there was also not a lot to do. Of course most chaps would go home and tell their wife that it was a terrible day and they have been up to their eyes in mud and heavy spiky things all day without a single break, not go home and say HA HAH HAH HAH Hah ha hah ah hahha ha ha  did absolutely nothing today. Well as it happens he did answer the door to the public and smile at them and pretend to be the buildings maintenance man fixing widows (sorry windows) and ceiling lights, but he is rubbish at all of those.

I was having a fairly quite time myself our cyber-school has been very quite of late what with it being the pre winter period where everyone is watching everyone else waiting for someone to crack and start making festive things or offering to play the lead in this years pantomime  . . Father Christmas was a Zombie . . . . A choice which the headmaster said was quite frankly, a no brainer HA HAHH HAH AH HAH HAH HA HAH Hah ahha hah ha hah ah hah ah ah hah ah hah ah ha h ha HO HO HO.

Anyway while in science the whole concept of the universe came up in conversation with someone asking about the fact it is expanding and therefore must expand into something else. Then someone said they thought that it was getting smaller, it then stuck me in a flash of shear genius (I think I have pointed out previously that I am a rather modest genius) that the two things are in fact related. It is a complex theory but put in short goes a bit like this

Atoms are 99% empty space as they use their energy up they shrink, as every physical thing in the universe shrinks at the same uniform rate the fact they are shrinking in not obvious. So on earth, the planet, plants, life, water and everything in fact is shrinking but of course to us it all looks the same. However the space the universe is in remains the same so to us the planets appear to be getting further away because they are smaller when in fact they remain in the same place.

But what about the speed of light I hear you type, well light is made of atoms and they are getting smaller so the speed of light may appear to us to be the same but it is in fact getting slower and so planets are getting further away even in terms of radio and light speeds thus to science the universe is expanding when it is has in fact always been the same size. This explains the so called Red Shift seen in the universe and the lost energy of each atom as it shrinks explains Dark Energy . . . . . . . I think someone really should give me a Nobel prize (again) for a theory of such cunning genius that solves everything…..

the Random Apple Tower experiment, the Universe and no Hamsters

As you all know I am a part-time student teacher and one of my specialist subjects is OIT Obscure Irrational Theories mainly the big ones relating to the universe, not small ones devoted to why hamsters run in small wheels. . . . . . AH as it happens that is one of the big ones but not today’s story, although the more science minded of you will see the link straight away.

Anyway today’s lesson was my first practical on OIT and I was trying to explain why galaxies spiral, much like water spirals down the plug hole. You see a spinning galaxy is in fact a huge gyroscope, and like a gyroscope, if you put it on top of a pointy stick at right angles rather than fall off the pointy stick the gravitational forces are moved to the pivot point and the gyroscope will start to rotate round the pivot. (OK I know some of you are saying WHAT?)  As you may guess some of my students got a bit confused, so I used the Random Apple Tower experiment to show them what was happening.  OK yes I know some of you have never done the Random Apple Tower Experiment (The RAT Experiment) have you (education these days it’s terrible… Hang on I’m a student teacher)

.

Anyway what you need is a selection of random apples from an apple tree; say anything from ten to about fifty and you have to make a tower. It is a well known fact that after a maximum of five apples the tower will fall over, the interesting point is no matter which apples or which combination you choose the tower will never get higher than five apples. Well if you cheat by using super glue or small skewers or use modern GM apples then it will but in nature the universe is the universe and cheating is not an option.  After many hours the class tried and failed to improve on a tower of five apples until Esmeralda got bored and turned the whole lot into toffee apples and the class ate the universe.

However it proved the point I needed to make about why galaxies spiral although I must admit some of the class still looked a little perplexed, so I told them to try the experiment at home and get their parents to explain it.   

One Man's quest for knowledge and solving perplexing three dimensional problems.

As you all know I often put my mind to good use solving issues such as . . .WHAT IS DARK MATTER and  WHAT SHAPE IS THE UNIVERSE or HOW DID FROGS GET INTO FAIRY TALES. It is something I am sure we all do at times, it is why mankind is the way it is, the relentless quest for knowledge about stuff and all the WHY, HOW, WHAT, WHEN, CAN I EAT IT questions that life throws at us. So far I have never flinched and have taken all in my stride without even a scratch of the head going o dear not sure I know that; no I have been told be confident and go for it as if you know everything, on the grounds that if you sound like you know everything the likelihood is folk will say HE SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT and believe every word you say, which is lucky because it is all dead true.

However I was tested today by one of those perplexing three dimensional puzzles that folk like to slip into a conversation about something innocent like the weather. I was asked to put together a set of shelves, not just any shelves but shelves from one of those large self assembly superstores. OK on paper it looks easy but they had already defeated the minds of others due to the cunning cross radial tensioned bracing system using rods to add strength in a way very similar to that of the humble bicycle wheel, a simple yet revolutionary idea in creating strength in a geometric form.

I was not defeated by this test and emerged from it triumphant and able to say I KNOW WHAT SHAPE SHELVES ARE, not everyone can do that…..

Sadly due to time I have been unable to find suitable shelves to take a photo of so I have taken a photo of something that is SHELF-ISH (shellfish) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .HAHHAHAHHAh ah hah ah ha hah ah hah hah ah h hah ah ha ha hha ha hah ah ha hahh ah ah hahah hha ha ha ha ha ha hah ha hah 

Moving things and 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 of everything

The Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor (volume three and three quarters) continues for now because of things that are beyond my control, and as it happens almost 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 of everything in the universe that happens is out of my control. Meaning this is in fact the normality for myself; and everyone else.

Yesterday I was unable to write my diary because of the day’s events which involved the tweaking of various things for a wedding party for Mr S and Mrs I.  It was a bit blustery and there is nothing more annoying that having a party and then a large gust of wind running off with your marquee, lights, tables and chairs. Actually the marquee, table and chairs belong to the village, but residents have access to them which is a cool idea in a small village. As for the lights well one thing we do have in abundance is fairy lights.

So yesterday afternoon and early evening we had a very chilled and happy wedding party in the garden where folk smiled and ate food, looked for apples, and pretended they were Michael Jackson disguised as Spiderman. While the Ghost Writer tried to put on inappropriate music for folk to listen too such as the Tiger Lillies singing naughty songs.

Today Mr S, Mrs I and Mr K came to help dismantle everything as the Marquee is off to pastures new in a few days, so we all whizzed about and left the garden such that no one would ever know of yesterday’s events.  And I am quickly writing my diary as we will be off out shortly to move other things for other people . . . . . So as I have said before I WILL RETURN SOON….  

I AM BACK . . . . . . Yes I have returned having moved stuff, it makes me realize that I would be much happier as a hunter gatherer like in the iron-age or before, because back then you got to chase animals with a pointy stick, make a fire, eat the animal and a few berries, paint the odd picture on a cave wall, and then move on to a new spot. Life was simple and did not involve a myriad of complexities involving moving stuff. OK yes I do like stuff, ask those who know me and they will say Oooooooo that Rob has stuff with stuff in it and loads of it, but the key point to my stuff is it does not move about. Ok some of it does which explains why I can’t always find it, but when it is your own stuff it is psychologically lighter and easier to move that doing it for other folk. Back in the pre iron-age I would have just waved mu pointy stick at the other folk grunted and made rude gestures  . . . . . . . . AH hang on I still do that . . . . . . DAMN.

I took pictures of the marquee in the dark last night, but by then all the folk had run off, and a post marquee picture to show that all is as if nothing happened, so that passing swallows heading South will be unaware of how far I have evolved from being a iron-age man…….

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Life the Universe and Everything and the discovery of Forty Two.......

You can be pottering about minding your own business cutting some grass and hedges looking for creatures to do battle with, footprints of Zombies, and evidence of alien life in the undergrowth, when something will pop up at you like a little beacon.  In my case it was a number that sort of popped up in the garage. You see the nature of my diary and my bumbling about in cyberspace as the eccentric child of cyberspace, having strange and quirky adventures means that I can relate to the number forty two rather well. And there it was staring me in the face in the garage; the number that we all know represents the answer to life the universe and everything from that book written by that chap Douglas Adams who interestingly enough was left handed and owned a rather cool left-handed Watkins Guitar just like myself. 

Forty  Two

I think what this must imply is that through my own rather strange tale in the voids of cyberspace I am getting very close to finally solving the question to the answer that forty two represents. In other words I am on the brink of discovering what the universe is finally all about.

In the meantime however I have decided to go off and find a wild mad beast to draw in the darkest recesses of the garden. There are creatures out there that man has not yet set his foot on (sorry his eye on), no hang on probably best to stick you foot on it first, lets face it most things sting or bite humans although you cant blame them really, folk keep sticking there feet on them. . . . . . . HAH HAH AH HH AH HHAH HAHHA HAH HAH HAH HAH HA HAH ah ha hah ah ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ha ha hah a hah h h hh h ha hah hhahah hah  . . . . . . Mum just said IDIOT.

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The Shape of the Universe and Tea Bags

My diary of late has got rather quiet its existence in the parallel media's of cyberspace both showing signs that the great masses have left leaving only a few die hards and my good friends at GCHQ who know that it is better to monitor a friendly face rather than that of an annoyed face, or worse still an angry face. Would you while waiting in the rain at the bus stop in a queue for the bus that is late rather watch the smiling man or the angry man who might see you looking at him, I think the choice is plain always watch the happy man it is safer.

And so tonight after a quiet day and I mean quiet (although we are off to Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café tonight for a meal) I have decided to discuss the shape of the universe. As you know only a couple of days ago I mentioned the origin of life and as a result Mr H from the cyber-world asked me if I knew the shape of the universe. Now I know it is not something that most folk know but funnily enough I do, so I thought I could let you all know too. I have sort of mentioned this to Mr H already in reply to his comment because he knew it had to do with tea bags but was getting a bit confused and I forgot to mention the exact shape of the tea bag to him (very sorry Mr H) so I will now clarify it to everyone. I am going for my second Nobel Prize in less that a week.

So consider a round teabag (a bit like a squashed flying Saucer) and that you could fold  the edge back into the middle to a point known as The Absolute point of Universe, the point where the so called big bang occurred. And you then flattened out the teabag into a teabag shape again you would fundamentally have a teabag with no edges, which is important because the universe can not have edges just a force to hold its shape together (the material of the teabag itself). The tea  in the teabag is then split equally between the two sides of the teabag either side of The Absolute Point of Universe a point so small not even an electron can get through it, this tea is the substance of the universe itself planets, stars and the like, and one side represents matter the other Antimatter. The fabric of the teabag where it is squashed together can therefore sometimes get small holes worn in it due to the forces generated and these are called Black Holes where the matter falls into the antimatter.

Of course the sort of flying saucer shape is created by the spin of the universe where material is thrown out along the line of centrifugal effect; however the one thing that can ruin a good universe is a huge kettle of hot water which destroys many of the forces that hold it together. And this can be made much worse by God squeezing the teabag against the side of his mug turning everything we know and understand into a soggy shapeless mass.

I hope next time you are asked what is the Shape of the Universe you will all say ………..AH FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THAT BECAUSE. . . . . . . .

Stargazing Live, the stability of nature and The Principle of Least Action

It is Wednesday today and School has returned to a state of stability, I know this because the Mathematics teacher showed us Newton’s formulas for the stability of nature, In an ideal world this would result in the entire school being all enthusiastic and leaping about particularly as the BBC Skygazing Live is on the television again tonight after what turned out to be jolly cloudy night last night, where no aliens were seen, and no stars or even the moon. But of course The Lagrangian Formalism (The Principle of Least Action) takes this into account and the result was lots of pupils wondering which class they should be in; and why the physics teacher was sweeping up mud in the playground, apparently it was the caretaker in a similar jumper with a pink reindeer on it, it appears the headmaster gave the same jumper to most of the school staff. . . . . . That is all well and good but if they all look the same how can I tell which lesson I’m in.  

So in a nut shell what I am saying is that Newton’s formulas for the stability of nature will state that my three slices of toast fall on the floor at lunchtime butter side down but the Lagrangian Formalism (The Principle of Least Action) states that by adding some curry and peanut butter to hide the fluff they tasted fine and the school cat will lick the floor clean.

I know I should be writing loads more at present but in keeping with The Principle of Least Action we are at the time of year when the least happens, it is a northern hemisphere thing the further north you get in the winter the less things are happening particularly in quiet rural communities where we keep our heads down until spring appears. As it happens there are signs of life poking out of the ground as things like daffodil’s start to grow and the Lemmings of Petrograd start singing the old songs of home. 

Sorry I stopped to watch the BBC Stargazing Live show so am a little later than planned with the post, I was interacting with The Principle of Least Action in way that shows its overall effect rather well.

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The advice of BBC Skygazing Live as told by Mr Jones and Professor Brian Cox . . . NEVER RUB VICK ON THE CHEST OF AN ALIEN

I was jolly tired last night and after a restless night being bounced on by a cat who thought he had caught the world’s largest mouse hiding in a duvet  I was not my usual bouncy self this morning, in fact I would say I was tired, grumpy and rather grumpy yes I was double grumpy. Particularly as I had to leap into action again to fight off mad axe-men with chainsaws, which I was doing rather well until I was hit over the head with an Armadillo toaster and told I was an IDIOT; it appears that the mad axe-men with chainsaws are tree surgeons from Scottish Power . . . . . . . . AH.

I then had to explain to them that I thought they were mad axe-men, trying to turn me into a zombie as part of a horrible master plan orchestrated by militant Penguins annoyed by mans over use of ice cubes in drinks. I think they understood and said IDIOT in a friendly chirpy way indicating that they did not really mean it?

Well it is an easy error to make in my opinion

The mad axe-men (sorry Tree Surgeons) were very cool they had arrived to cut down all the trees growing close to the overhead power lines where I had cut a few trees from until I was told I was an IDIOT, I had underestimated the voltage by about 10,000 volts or so. So now we have this big clearing between us and the woods which is better than it sounds because we can now see into the woods and watch the banshees flying in the evening and werewolf’s sneaking up on Mr Jones who has returned to earth after his encounter on the 21^st Dec last year (The End of the World) with the aliens. He said things happened he did not wish to talk about, but his key bit of advice appears to be never rub Vick on the chest of an Alien even if it does have man flu.

Ok back to the point, the mad axe-men (sorry Tree Surgeons) were not able to remove all of the biggest tree a very large willow tree so they will be back in a couple of days to fell the main trunk. It will grow again no doubt but we can now prune it in the future without the risk of death. It appears if you touch a damp tree that is in contact with a power line it can electrocute you to death or worse, Particularly terrible if it happens over Christmas as you may be mistaken for a novelty illuminated Santa and find yourself stuck to a tree for a couple of weeks until folk notice you are charred at the edges a bit.

Oooooo yes if you live in the UK the very nice man with the smile Professor Brian Cox is on the television in that  BBC Skygazing Live tonight (8.00pm BBC2) which I will be watching, but it does mean that the sky will be full of clouds and they will tell you exactly the same as Mr Jones (although not in the nude) NEVER RUB VICK ON THE CHEST OF AN ALIEN EVEN IF IT DOES HAVE MAN FLU.

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Cats and Cables and The End of the World

Oooooooo the world has suddenly woken up to the fact that the world is due to end on the 21^st December, well golly gosh and not before time after all I have explained exactly what to expect (cheese, gulls, aliens maybe a chicken and yod) but have the masses paid any attention to my detailed analysis of the situation, no.  Its really strange its almost as if they think I am mad or something and just talking a whole load of rubbish.

I will admit I think I might be going a bit mad, my spat of loosing things is not going well as I lost a key piece of paper today it was the piece of paper with a secret code word on it, apparently if we all shout this code word on the 21^st Dec it will trigger a reaction that will halt the End of the World but as I say I have sort of put it somewhere safe. I am not sure where this safe place is but I am beginning to think it must be a decent size because every day it appears to have more stuff in it. The dog has said it is probably best not to tell the world that I have sort of mislaid the piece of paper that would save everyone because they might get a bit annoyed with me and shout a lot. Shout almost everything in fact except the right word.

One of the great frustrations of the last few days is that I appear to have lost more than I have achieved. The dog has expanded this principle into his own theory on The Great Apocalypse and thinks it will all come to an abrupt end not because of Huge Cheese Slices, Space Gulls and Angry Aliens and just maybe a Chicken, but as a result of me putting the world in a safe place. I have told the dog it might be a good idea because if the world was in a safe place the aliens would never find it and it would be safe, and even I could not loose something as big as the World (I think).

We also think that Harry the Cat might be in cahoots with the aliens because he has taken to watching us from round corners, lurking in the shadows and just wagging his tail. Cats wagging tails is not like dogs wagging tails, cats wagging tails is not good, this can confuse a dog who will think the cat is happy and wants to play.  So I think we all need to keep our eyes on cats for a few days to make sure they are not part of The Apocalypse

I am told that another telltale sign that the End is Nigh is scrambled cables, cables of a certain length can pick up the oscillations that are emitted by encroaching doom and will twist together for protection in the same way eels do and cows when being stalked by rabbits (hang on that sounds wrong. This encyclopaedia might have been cheap but its rubbish). Anyway I noticed evidence of this effect today and have recorded the photographic evidence for you all to see.

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The End of the World . .. . . . . and the universes pivot point

I have not done a lot today because of the bug; I have sort of pottered about slowly making groaning sounds. I briefly poked about at one of our clocks which has a habit of chiming randomly at odd times. It is OK though because it only has the hour hand and a completely blank face so it is almost impossible to tell the time anyway, which means you don’t know if it chimed at the right or wrong time.  I have also learnt from my good friend Miss Fionaski the famous Russian spy that the world is due to end on the 21^st December so we will be putting our Christmas tree up this weekend in order to make the most of it. I forgot to ask how the world is due to end which was silly of me it would be useful to know whether I should duck or leap into a ditch or climb a tree or eat loads of food to avoid it.  I think I may wear subdued clothing on the 21^st Dec because I think wearing bright clothing will only make it worse and if it involves aliens you would stand out like a sore thumb, surely a big mistake with aliens destroying the world.

I have also been told by another friend that I might be standing on the pivot point of the universe and that I need to shuffle about a bit to keep it balanced correctly, not an easy thing at present when suffering from the side effects of Man Flu. But I did wonder if these two things are interlinked and maybe aliens are keen to rule the universe, and have decided that the best way to do this is control of the most strategic point in the universe, which would be the universes pivot point.  Normally I would not worry to much about this, but if I am the pivot point then I will need to think of a cunning plan before the 21^st Dec.

OK I am off again now, there is only so much a man with Man Flu can write. . . . .  AAAAAuuuuuughggghghghghghghghhhhhh

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Funerals, cats and flying kites

Today has been a funny old day as we had to go to a funeral this morning of a family friend, funerals are not nice things really, but strangely you often get to meet people you have not met for ages, which happened today. It was in Montgomery church which is a really nice church even though I am not a churchy person, but it has some nice carvings and fancy bits in it that many small town churches do not have but then a very very long time ago Monty church was more important than it is now, as Montgomery was the County town until the railway, roads, cattle markets, shops and everything else sort of bypassed it completely and even the county does not exist any longer. I think this maybe be to do with yesterdays discussion of networks, you see Montgomery is physically just sort of in the wrong place to be a good network hub and even Montgomeryshire was regarded as surplus to the administrate requirements of modern life.

We will be going to another Funeral tomorrow in the Chapel in Montgomery so that will be a strange too, It has been an odd week really because I know of two other people known to members of the family who have died in the last week. But it is easy to forget that in the context of time as in all of time, all of us are but the blink of an eye lid so I am trying to find out whose eyelid it is and plan to prop their eyes open with match sticks.  The only real redeeming feature of this is that all those world leaders, power mad corporate capitalists and the like are no more that a blink of an eyelid along with the rest of us, we are all the same in the end.

In other news the weather has been terrible here today, I mean really terrible, we have had very high winds and the car was bounced about as we headed home after the funeral. Then once at home the winds got even worse and the roof was creaking and groaning and the rain got even heavier and it was dark by about 3pm luckily the roof did stay on the house and all is well as the worst has now passed.  

The dog tells me it was probably one of the windiest days we have had in the last year we have lived here, and that even a small stunt kite (stunt kitty AHAHAHH HAH ahaha hahahhah haha hah) easily lifted two overweight cats several hundred metres into the air with no effort at all. That may explain why the cats are rather wet and refuse to go outside now, and have attacked several thin bamboo canes, a table cloth and a fishing line which dad had put by to make an Armadillo lamp shade as a surprise present for someone. . . . . Luckily not me PHEW.   

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I think Mr H's link from his comment is also just the thing to show us all our place in the great big world

LIFE THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING

Many thanks Mr H