Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Pirates Love Coca-Cola but does Steven Spielberg love Pirates ????

Our corporate sponsor has been told Steven Spielberg does not like pirates so we have had to abandon or trip to Kathmandu and put on nice suits and remove the Jolly Roger. Or else he might not make the block buster movie. Luckily it is hoped that Mr Spielberg may not have noticed the odd pirate link yet so we have set the main brace and be sailing for home port HAR HAR HAR (sorry)

The very nice corporate sponsors who shall remain nameless have lent us a new flag saying Pirates Love Coca-Cola only it has been modified to say Parrots Love Coca-Cola, mum said IDIOTS. Not sure that’s a good move even if the corporate sponsors are anonymous. The dog also wants to know what we plan to do with a two hundred foot inflatable Coca-cola bottle which we were planning to inflate in the centre of Kathmandu. You see what happens when you get involved in sponsorship deals life just gets more complex.  

Apparently there might be a bit of concern about Pirate Pete’s name because it sounds just a bit too pirate; the sponsors have said because he has slightly mad blonde hair (none of us knew that) they have suggested Private Benjamin, Pirate Pete said HAR HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR HAR HELLO BIG BOY. Mum said IDIOT again but not sure if that’s the sponsors or Pirate Pete and dad has pointed out he has steam powered bionic legs which are not entirely in keeping with the image. So on a show of hands Pirate Pete is going to keep his own name however he is now wearing a I love Steven Spielberg tee shirt with a picture of him drinking an ice cold Coca-Cola and Russian Vodka. 

 We have now been asked to remove the Parrots Love Coca-Cola flag too because parrots and in particular Captain Flint the Parrot has just too many associations with pirates. I think the fact that Captain Flint the Parrot has spent the day drinking rum without adding any Coca-Cola has not helped, that and shouting all the sponsors are ********* ++******---*-*- HAR HAR HAR. 

So the day was spent slowly sailing back towards the harbour on the island in the middle of the lake in the middle of the park in town but this time no one sang So its YO HO HO and a Bottle of Rum a swordfish struggling with a quadratic Sum so that nice Mr Spielberg wont get upset and not make the movie.

Dad and Pirate Pete have been arguing about if coal powered pirate ships are better than Sail powered pirate ships but the dog said things go better with Coke and has fallen about laughing again along with Rusty the Robot Dog who said I might be steam powered but I also have the wind. They are both rolling about in hysterics now.

Monday, 30 May 2011

YO HO HO and a Bottle of Rum a swordfish struggling with a quadratic Sum

After a night asleep in a hammock and from time to time the floor on the pirate ship Armadillous I was awoken by seagulls because Pirate Pete was trying to teach them to perch on his shoulder and talk.  By putting superglue and bits of squid on his shoulders, he had got 8 of them to perch there but they got stuck and were fighting for squid.

So once we removed the seagulls from Pirate Pete we started the day with Breakfast at the side of the harbour. A good hearty breakfast of bacon, fried eggs and fried bread, sausages, black pudding, mushrooms deep fried in breadcrumbs, scotch eggs, kippers, scrabbled eggs on toast, hash brownies, porridge with syrup and cream, tea coffee and toast, coco pops and Russian vodka (I think that might have just been the Russian spy’s)  and fresh orange juice because mum said we needed to have something remotely healthy but she is vegetarian so her breakfast was not as good as ours.

After breakfast everyone said we should set sail for Kathmandu because it sounded interesting although the geography teacher said it was not the easiest place to sail too due to the need to go up hill a lot. But we are pirates and things like that are mere bagatelle to a pirate, (not sure what that means but dad said it’s what pirates say when confronted with an obstacle). Mum said what mum says but everyone went HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR and we set sail following the sun over the horizon and out to sea. Leaving the island in the middle of the lake in the park in the town far behind us (It has been explained before so HAR HAR HAR).
The dog took Rusty the Robot dog below deck to teach him to stick his head out of a porthole and point his nose into the wind because it is what dogs do in a vehicle. So they were barking and shouting in Pirate Latin at the Flying Fish and Dolphins.  Pirate Pete spent the day in the crows nest as look out but because he still had bits of Squid stuck to him all he saw all day was Seagulls. We have set a course that will engage us with the QE2 in the next day or so which dad recons will have really good guitar amps to plumber.  Fresh battered Cod and chips tonight YUMMY.  Mum says Cod are overfished and they might become extinct, so me and dad said we better eat lots of them now before they all vanish, but I don’t think that’s what mum meant because she hit he and dad with the toaster.

So its YO HO HO and a Bottle of Rum a swordfish struggling with a quadratic Sum ……. Off into the night to chase beasts of the sea.


I believe that Pirates of the Caribbean Four film is out either now or soon or sometime called something like No Stranger Hides so I thought I would create a tale to counterbalance all that money and hype so as its half term and we are sailing the seven seas with no money or hype or film crew. We are calling our adventure; A Stranger Type because it seems like the Write thing to do HAR AHR AHR AHR ?

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Pirate Ships and the Spy Glass Inn ......... HAR HAR HAR

We all went on a surprise visit to the Spy Glass Inn on the Island in the middle of the lake in the park today. When I say it was a surprise I think everyone else knew but I didn’t, NOT FAIR. The two pirate ships from the pantomime are still anchored in the bay and even some of the teachers have arrived today to sail as it is half term and they are all on holiday like me.

Me, mum, Pirate Pete, the dog, Rusty the Robot Dog, and Captain Flint the Parrot rowed out to our pirate ship the Armadillous and Mr V (Charlie) and some of the teachers went aboard The Blue Duck; The Black Swam as was but renamed after the pantomime in case of copy write infringements during the making of the block buster movie. Dad and most of the teachers and some of the scientists and spies that mum knows have spent the day in the Spy Glass Inn telling tales of swashbuckling in far yonder seas while drinking rum and Russian vodka. When the rest of us returned there was a lot of singing and dancing on tables going on. Dad was playing Smoke on the Water like they did at the pantomime, luckily this time everything was not on fire just dads amplifier. Vodka and hot thermionic valves are not a good combination although dads playing was really good until the inn keeper turned the fire hose on which finally shorted out dads classic stack of AC 30’s. But everyone cheered and went HAR HAR HAR HARDY  HAR HAR (I learnt HARDY HAR HAR from Captain Nessman) even dad and they all agreed that over the holiday we could have a pirate raid on a poor unsuspecting cruise ship and steal all their 1960’s classic AC30 amplifiers. Captain Flint the Parrot after a few rums and a pile of Brazil nuts started to go on about treasure maps much like he did last time we were  all here and that only lead to fighting and stuff so mum threw a coconut at him which not only shut him up but kept him amused for the rest of the night. Rusty (Stickinsect to some) the Robot Dog says he is not very keen on sea water because he is not water proof but he has been sprayed with WD40 so maybe he will be OK, at least it will keep the fleas away.

Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat are being looked after by Mr Jenkins he says he will be fine with all the noise from sooty because his own cat Fluffy is still singing Tiptoe Through the Tulips on his roof at night and has also started tap dancing to it. No one is sure why but mum says cats are a law unto themselves. Pirate Pete thinks it might be luring mice with delusions of a career in show business but mum said IDIOT not sure if she means the mouse of Pirate Pete     

My diary seems to have changed a bit lately and I think it has become more an observation of the world these days. So in years to come it will be read and analyzed by scholars who will use it to understand twenty first century living of the ordinary man in the street, although I think I should point out to them I am not in the street while I an writing (typing) otherwise my typing would be even worse than it is. While I’m at it I think I should also point out for legal reasons that any similarities between characters and events in my story and of those in the greater world are completely deliberate. I’m sure that can’t be right because mum has just said IDIOT.  


I would just like to thank my blog friends who ever you may be as I know you are out there even if I just have the two official followers but I think that’s how blogs work, sort of. I do like that little map thing it is very satisfying to see views from all over the world. I am sure deep down a lot of blogs are to do with personal ego and stuff like that (me included I suspect) although not all and some are sad and people use them for their own reasons to work things out in their own minds.
Anyway I am getting distracted as I do.

I have been adding comments each day from about the 15th Feb of this year and each month I have received a few more page reads. Statistically that is rather logical really because there are more pages but I would like to think you enjoy what you read and are intrigued and interested enough to keep returning. I do know I am not the greatest typist or speller in the world so sorry for that and my diary is very spontaneous and I sit and write and think all at the same time so although it as a diary of the days events sort of I can sometimes make little mistakes like who has how many legs or what strange creature accidently blow up in the park and so on. Please feel free to add feedback or ideas as long as no one swears or is rude or aggressive or nasty about other people then I am pleased to see comments. Regards to all I hope the world will one day be a happy place for all but then I am not sure that is possible outside of my own world sadly.  

Saturday, 28 May 2011

The madness of cats and fortunes in hedges

Heavy Harry the Cat is proving he is a real cat by catching mice and bringing them to show us which is sort of OK but he lets them go in the house and they run away. Sooty the Cat is just making a lot of noise and driving everyone mad still. We think he might have been abandoned because he was driving his last owner mad.

Because Sooty has had a tough time we are all walking about smiling and saying we must be nice it will stop meowing in the end because no one can meow for ever. Even Stickinsect (otherwise known as Rusty) the Robot Dog has put cotton wool in his ears and he was only switched on yesterday. Pirate Pete the dog and the robot dog have vanished off to the wood to see The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth and the Banshee’s because they said AAAAAUuuuuuuuuuuuugh Sooty is driving us mad. I was going to go with them but I have been given the task of finding all the mice that Heavy Harry keeps turning up with in the house. Mum and dad have gone off to the shops they said there were things they needed and that Sooty was sort of AAAAAUuuuuuuuuuuuugh so they needed to go out. Heavy Harry has said AAAAAUuuuuuuuuuuuugh too and has run off again to hunt mice. So its just me and Sooty the Cat now, AAAAAUuuuuuuuuuuuugh; and mice

Sooty is rubbish at catching mice because he keeps meowing at them so I am trying to round them up and put then in the oldest and thickest part of the hedge where nothing except tiny things can go. I always put all the mice that Heavy Harry catches there because it is impossible for cats or humans or much else to catch them again. The Nanobot family that live under my bed told me once that Great Uncle George the famous Nonobot explorer once entered the old and ancient thickest parts of our hedge to look for lost tribes and buried fortune. He never found any lost tribes only lots of mice but he did find a silver thimble and an old sixpence in the temple the mice had built in the middle of the hedge where a small shaft of light could enter each year on summer solstice. He was able to negotiate with the mice and traded a large piece of English Cheddar  Cheese for the thimble and the sixpence. He was then able to return home and live off his fortune for many years as well as do the lecture circuit showing slides and he also did the odd appearance on TV, living life as a minor celebrity until it all went wrong when he was eaten by a Bull Frog on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Sadly for the Nanobot family this episode was never shown on television so they never got to see his final wave just before the frog swallowed him.

I am off now to put cotton wool in my ears  

Friday, 27 May 2011

Rusty the six legged Robot Dog..... and stuff

Sunny day today which is good after the wet grey day of yesterday. Dad and the dog have finished their robot dog it is not as big as Pythagoras the Dog which is just as well really. It cant run as fast as Pirate Pete either because its legs are shorter. They did give it six legs to try and speed it up a bit but it can only run at thirty five miles an hour.

Having six legs means it got some very strange looks when it went out for its first run this morning but one advantage is that is can dig holes very quickly. Mr Jenkins our neighbour said he has never seen a six legged dog burying a bone while muttering in Latin before while he was in the park so he knew it must be something to do with us. I might take it to school one day next week because form 7G who are making the tunnel have realized they have made a major error as a result of reading maps and the satellite navigation system upside down in the tunnel. It appears the tunnel goes in the opposite direction and is a mirror image of what it should be. So instead of emerging next to the recycling bin by the Fish and Chip Shop it has emerged next to the Fish and Chip Shop food waste at the Council Recycling department. The Dutch exchange students say the fish and chips taste lovely but were wondering what the green lumps were, 7G have told them its Pistachio Nuts as they don’t have the heart to say its mould. The Dutch students are happy and form 7G say it’s a shame to waste all that food even if it is rather rotten and mouldy.

The dog appears very happy with his new friend and is teaching Pirate Pete Latin as the Robot Dog can’t understand commands in pirate and every time Pirate Pete goes HAR HAR HAR the robot dog digs another hole. Mum is not entirely happy with that as there are now three of them in the hallway which are six foot deep. Pirate Pete has also named the Robot Dog Stick Insect because it likes to play stick and has six legs, The dog says he was planning to call it rusty because it is has a mild steel body which is already showing signs of corrosion. Dad did choice a rather unfortunate place for the steam escape value but then it is a dog so most people will not notice.

Preview of another exhibition tonight so we will all be there at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop to do our bit. I have to go and be nice to everyone which is quite frankly NOT FAIR and they all expect me to remember their names from the last preview and there are loads of them I don’t know how I am meant to do that. I got told off last time because I tried to write everyone’s name on their foreheads with a permanent marker pen but mum said IDIOT and told me it was not good for sales. She managed to convince some people it was part of an interactive art installation called Guess Who You Are, a bit like the game.
By the way Sooty the Cat is looking better but is still very noisy

Thursday, 26 May 2011

The Ghost Writer. The Pylon Protest. And the exhibition of etchings and yes sorry but that tunnel again.

The ghost writer who has to go to the grey office once a week is not very happy because it’s a grey day and raining loads. Rather typical for Mid-Wales. We have sent him off to do stuff to stop him grumbling well not really stop him but we cant hear him anymore that’s good. He said he is going to do things with an old PC running Linux and recons he will be able to take over the world. They all say that.

Last nights meal was very nice they make really good curry in Bangalore. Our friends that we had our meal with had been on the anti pylon march in Cardiff but the problem with the protest march apparently was everyone was very polite and nice and cleared up all the rubbish and placards. In fact they made such a good job of clearing up that the Welsh Assembly Government or as dad calls them (******* ****** ******) have asked the protesters to march again in a months time.

Class 7G continue to build their tunnel towards the Fish and Chip shop despite technical problems with  the satellite navigation system out of Bens dads car which tried to send the tunnel up into the cannel. Luckily a Dutch lad on an international school exchange stuck his arm in the hole to stop the water and repairs were made. The Dutch exchange students are helping because they think the fish will be served up raw in the Fish and Chip shop (YUK), I don’t think they understand batter and deep fried yet.

Mum has been hanging an exhibition of Etchings and Drawing in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop in the exhibition space for the preview tomorrow night. It is a particularly difficult exhibition to hang as mum says an exhibition needs to be aesthetically and artistically correct and is not just a case of sticking pictures in a row on the wall, That’s why am not allowed to help anymore. Anyway it took a while to finish so I am running a bit late with the diary as I was with Mr Beelzebub discussing life the universe and everything. Mum said I am not to write that again and has told me before at least forty two times now.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

The noisy cat, the tunnel and a curry in Bangalore

Sooty the Cat is driving everyone mad which is quite an achievement considering he has only been in the house for one day. But he is very noisy and spent the whole day meowing and meowing when I got back from school everyone had ear plugs in and was hiding. No one wants to be nasty to Sooty because he has had a tough life, well no one except Heavy Harry that is.

The dog has asked dad to help him build an automated microprocessor controlled steam powered dog so at least he feels a little less outnumbered. I think the fact that Mr Jenkins cat Fluffy has been trying to sing that song tip toe through the tulips up in the big tree again has not helped.  Anyway the dog wants the robot dog to be able to do Mathematics and Latin so when he talks to it; it does not just go WOOF and wag its tail and roll over on its back with its tongue hanging out. The dog just hates it when he meets other dogs and they go WOOF and try and stick their noses in his bum, it’s one of the reasons why the dog learnt marshal arts so all the local dogs now go WHIMPER WHIMPER and run away or hide under manhole covers until he passes. Pirate Pete is quite excited and says he can take it for walks because if the robot dog has steam powered bionic legs too they will both be able to run at fifty miles an hour. Playing stick in the park will be interesting at that speed for the other dog owners.

Class 7G are still making their tunnel but have been running into a logistical problem with soil, its amassing just how much soil can come out of a three quarter of a mile long tunnel with smaller air recycling support tunnels and passing chambers. They have been leaving soil on the school busses at night but the bus company has made a formal complaint to the headmaster saying it has now got a fifteen foot high pile of soil at the bus depot and have told him to take it back. The headmaster is concerned about the origin of the soil but the pupils have all said it’s the class rooms they are very muddy after the winter rain. The geography teacher tried to explain to the headmaster it was to do with continental drift and that part of the continent is drifting into the class rooms but the headmaster said he was talking nonsense and called him an IDIOT.

Tonight is a good night we are off out for a meal with friends to have a curry in the back streets of Bangalore, using the Einstein Cube to leap across the world. The Einstein cube is ideal for things like this but because the CIA, FBI, MI6 etc are still after it mum and dad say its best not to mention it in my diary so…….AH I have done it again. Mum has just said IDIOT now. Pirate Pete says he would rather go to Bangalore by pirate ship but as we have all pointed out that will take several months and his curry will have gone cold and poppadoms soft.  Pirate Pete is how shouting SOFT POPPADOMS HAR HAR HAR ……. HAR HAR WHATS A POPPADOM. Mum said IDIOT again.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Jamie Oliver the school tunnel and fish and chips

Sooty the Cat has made it into the house now Heavy Harry the Cat is pretending it does not exist, easier said than done when it makes so much noise; it appears to be like Heavy Harry and the dog and wants to eat all the time. It’s only tiny too. The dog is also a bit annoyed that one of the goldfish ate the three Water Buffalo but he has decided he will not swim  in the goldfish pond any longer just in case.

Pirate Pete was telling me when I got back from school how a huge sea monster ate his legs when he was made to walk the plank in the old days when he accidently added gun power to a stew he was making for the crew instead of black pepper and accidently blew up the ships canteen and catering staff. Forcing the crew to live of fish paste sandwiches for weeks on end until he accidently left musket shot in the captains sandwich and the captain lost a few teeth. And despite the crew saying it gave the captain a rugged pirate about town image the captain made Pirate Pete walk the plank because the captain hated soup and was forced to eat fish soup through a straw for a while.

While Pirate Pete was fighting the huge sea monster he said he tried to shoot it with his musket but his purse full of gun powder turned out to be black pepper. Luckily (sort of) for Pirate Pete the sea monster hated black pepper so when it swallowed it along with Pirate Pete’s legs it hated the taste so much it threw Pirate Pete back on the pirate ship. So he was allowed to live on the grounds that someone somewhere was looking after him and the captain did not want to upset the sea gods.

School was quiet today class 7G are building a tunnel from the back of the assembly hall into town, planning to emerge behind the recycling bins in the car park next to the Fish and Chip shop. They say it all the fault of that Mr Jamie Oliver man who cooks on the television who wants everyone to eat healthily (YUK) because the headmaster has banned everyone from going into town now. So far the tunnel has been going quite well and they think they must be getting close to the end. The Geography teacher who is the inside man as he likes fish and chips too (he is not allowed them at home because he has a dodgy heart) says it’s the best use of a car satellite navigation system he has every come across. Class 7G also used Google Earth to pin point the right place for the tunnel to emerge from. The class are using this as their exam project and the Geography teacher has promised them all top grade passes as long as he gets battered Cod and double chips with mussy peas and extra salt and vinegar by the end of the month. Poor old Franky of 7G whose eyesight is bad keeps picking up pins in the corridor and telling the rest of class 7G he can see really well even a pin over there and he will be fine if he can go and buy fish and chips at the end of the tunnel, but the rest of class 7g keep saying IDIOT.

Monday, 23 May 2011

The funeral and reality leaving its ripples in the fabric of time and space.

It was a sad day in our little town as mum and dad and the ghost writer had to go off to a funeral for someone from the town that was well known and lived a few houses along the road. This is a tricky situation in a diary of an internet eccentric because my diary is a rather light-hearted and jolly affair. But then it is also a diary that weaves between the world of reality and the unreality of fiction.

As mum and dad say none of us are immortal not even in the rather strange world of Social Network Eccentrics (me) we can only hope our spirit continues in the minds of others. So of course in my case it means the publication of the book by a very friendly international publisher, followed up by the block buster movie all being well by that very nice Steven Spielberg man or possibility someone else although it would not be quite the same.  The alternative is a small dwindling memory in the minds of a few loyal followers until gone finally becoming oblivion (not the rock band). And after all I don’t want to end up like the three Water Buffalo who were minding their own business standing in the fish pond eating pond weed when they were suddenly swallowed by a particularly large and hungry goldfish never to be seen again (that’s the Water Buffalo not the goldfish). As the dog said it is classic in these stories for this to happen; look at Star Trek it was always some unknown crew member who got eaten by the three headed monster. But as mum and dad pointed out even now when the grandchildren of the actor who played the unknown crew member eaten by the monster see it on television or the cinema they shout OOOO LOOK ITS granddad. So it just goes to show even in the wake of Star Trek there is a reality leaving its ripples in the fabric of time and space.  The dog did say that the grandchildren of the Water Buffalo would never be able to watch Star Trek because they can’t operate a TV remote but mum said IDIOT

Even that Harry Potter has found his place in history now and he never takes any notice of the reality he exists in. Not like me. The dog says he is not really a great fan of Harry Potter just too many humans and not enough dogs in the story for his liking, although he says we are starting to get too many cats in our story now. Particularly as Sooty the Cat has set up home in a box just outside the back door much to the disgust of Heavy Harry the Cat, although he is not attacking it quite so much. Still that’s reality for you; leaving cats in the ripples of time and space and not dogs ……. The dog says NOT FAIR.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

The to do list of men. buffalo icecream and Sooty

We have three Water Buffalo in the garden at the moment which are all standing in the fish pond. The man dad bought them from says he doesn’t want then back. The dog said they would be great barbequed but I am not sure if that is either legal or practical and there are three of them. The only thing I remember about buffalo’s is that Buffalo ice cream is very yummy.

It has been a very very quiet Sunday which is just as well as according to the man on the wireless today is the day after the end of the world although my good friend Miss Fiona said the end of the world is next year not this year. I am not sure how many ends of the world we are allowed as I would have thought it was just the one but maybe that’s wrong and we might have loads of them.  Yesterday’s end of the world was only very gusty in Mid-Wales so it was not a very good end. Only the goldfish appear to be convinced it might be the real end of the world but then they have three huge Water Buffalo in the fish pond with them. 

I have been pottering about today as mum gave me a list of things to do and so I have been busy with that but seem to have managed to do a whole load of stuff that is not on the list. Dad said WELL DONE ROB but mum said IDIOT me and dad are not sure which one of us is the idiot now. We were going to ask mum but dad said she was too close to the Armadillo toaster so best just to hide and do things. Dad said he was going to look at his list but he then went to his workshop and was working on a stream powered leaping thing with Pirate Pete. I asked if it was on his list but he said NO, I asked Pirate Pete if it was on his list and he said NO too. Anyway I thought I better help them because it was not on my list either.

The dog spent the afternoon running between the oven and the Water Buffalo with a tape measure, only mum confiscated his chainsaw in the end so he gave up and came and helped with the steam powered leaping thing the dog does not have a list, LUCKY DOG.

The black cat Sooty finally got close enough to stroke tonight, he is very bony and he is a boy cat. Heavy Harry was and still is protesting in the car again so it gave Sooty a chance to eat and realize that unlike Heavy Harry we are not going to beat him up

Just to let everyone know that Ian the Musical Hat Maker, rock star and all round nice bloke is now settled at home and making a good recovery he is finding Auntie Karen’s FlambĂ©ed bacon sausage and eggs at breakfast very interesting. He says they would never make that for him in hospital but mainly because it sets the fire alarms off and every fire engine for fifty miles turns up and someone gets told off.   

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Rock Star Shoes a knee and the Bollywood evening

Mr Ian the Musical Hat Maker has returned home with a new super bionic knee and all is well in fact he is making remarkable progress. The hospital were so pleased with his new knee they have been able to give Mr Ian a new special extra large foot. Unfortunately they forgot to mention the addition of the extra large foot to Mr Ian until after he came round from the anaesthetic.

He is not entirely pleased as his famous and now large collection of sparkly rock star shoes will only fit his one foot and he can only run round in circles. Ironically this is quite common in Mid-Wales, a lot of people run round in circles mum says dad is an expert and spent his whole life like that despite her giving him lists for thirty years which he has consistently failed to, at best finish or as often happens start. Apparently it’s a man thing if you give a man a list he will go off and do loads of other stuff most of which never needs doing. Some would say a bit like my diary, so that is good it makes me almost a man (sort of).

Anyway Mr Ian has been told it will be OK once he has his other bionic knee because then both his feet will be huge and he will run in a straight line again but as he points out none of his extensive collection of sparkly rock shoes will fit then and he will be left with the option of circus clown shoes. The doctors have tried to reassure him everyone likes circus clowns; but as  Mr Ian says this is Mid –Wales the indigenous population do not take kindly to laughter at the best of times and very often will shout BAH BA BAB BAH BAH BAH HUMBUG before scurrying off to eat grass or a nice patch of buttercups.

I have had a little bonfire today to clear some rubbish and make things look nice in the garden plus have a look for the black cat (Sooty) who still runs away in panic every time he sees someone. He was out last night going MEEEEEOOOOOOOOWwwwwwww a lot so woke us all up but has not been seen today. Heavy Harry having eaten this morning returned to the car and is having another sit in protest in the car.

Finally it is Bollywood night in Monty Town Hall tonight which sadly we are unable to attend but lots of effort has gone into making it look very authentic. Dad has even found them three large Water Buffalo which he has hidden behind the stage as a little surprise for them. They are sacred and are allowed to roam about at their own free will although they do seem a bit big to be wandering around on the first floor of the town hall.  

Friday, 20 May 2011

The birthday and the Tapas evening

It is the birthday of Miss Issy yet another member of our complex trans-cyberspace family which it has to be said is far too complicated to explain in a book of only about 200,000 words long when it is also meant to be full of swashbuckling adventure. What is swashbuckling anyway I know pirates do it and it is one of the verb descriptive words of an action of some sort, BUT…..?

Anyway you see what happens when you write what you think, RUBBISH.

Because it’s Miss Issy’s birthday we are having a Tapas evening to celebrate, and Miss Issy is due to attend and eat stuff although she is a bit odd about what she eats, eating loads of vegetables and healthy stuff and nothing with legs on it not even crocodile. You cant have a good Tapas meal without eating a few legs, me and the dog eat loads of legs from all sorts of things although not the visitors legs.. School seemed just like yesterday or the day before so maybe it was the second day of the stereotypical days from the day before yesterday or something like that. Does that make sense; Not really still I am sure you all know what I mean sort of?.

The black cat (Sooty) has turned up again today, in fact he turned up at 4:00am in the morning meowing and I had to get up to check he was OK as no one else heard him although the dog did open one eye and muttered stuff. When I opened the door to check on him her it; it ran away, really after stumbling about being made deaf by the cat and the dawn chorus. We have fed it again today much to the disgust of Heavy Harry who has locked himself in dads car as a protest and we have made it a water proof den to get in when it rains although it looked at it and went YUK. There is no pleasing some cats or as the dog says any cats.

Pirate Pete has spent the day sharpening his swords and priming muskets in order to attack the Spanish fleet as he says there is lots of gold on Spanish galleons but we all thing he has got the wrong idea of a Tapas evening. He will be fine once he is full of rum and telling tales of old sea dogs and monsters. I did offer to play the violin tonight but the dog said there is no need now because we have two cats we can  strangle instead and it will sound better. That’s not very nice but everyone else agrees with the dog even the cats…….. NOT FAIR. I asked Pirate Pete about Swashbuckling and he said HAR HAR HAR HAR, not really very helpful is it.  

Thursday, 19 May 2011

The PS3 and the Macaroni cheese .............. YUK

Just as I was going to school today mum and dad got a message to say little Jamie my cousin, well when I say cousin it is very complex indeed as one might expect with a family that lives on both sides of the internet in the real and cyberspace worlds. Jamie had a headache and was feeling not well so he got the day off school so mum and dad were sort of babysitting

 I was well jealous at first I had to go to school and do Latin astrophysics and the long jump although not all at the same time luckily. In the end it was OK though because mum and dad said they were going to the big supermarket so they took him with them YUK. It seems Jamie is not used to supermarkets so when he was allowed to push the trolley round the store it sort of went wrong.

Jamie is used to playing all day on one of those Sony PS3 games console things; it’s what children do in the real world apparently. However he go the supermarket trolley mixed up with something called Maria Cart or something like that and he said he thought he had to get points by wiping out little old ladies as he rushed up and down the aisles of the supermarket. Dad did point out he did it very well for someone who was clearly not on top form as Jamie was feeling ill. Dad was also impressed by Jamie’s ability to improvise by building a harpoon gun from items in the store and scoring a triple bonus by pinning the supermarket manager to one of the freezer cabinets with it. Mums main complaint was that he was running about so much it was difficult to get items in trolley so she could buy them.

It did work out quite well in the end because poor old Jamie not being well ran out of steam because he was not well and he was then sick in the fresh delicatessen counter which resulted in the sales of fresh macaroni cheese plummeting for the rest of the day. But Jamie and his trolley were thrown out of the store and told never to return and the trolley was full of mum and dads shopping so they got it all for free although they left the macaroni cheese in the trolley saying they didn’t fancy it any longer but they did get several frozen turkeys for the dog. The dog said we should make Jamie sick more often but I don’t think mum agrees. The dag said just a bit sick and says he fancies a big bowl of macaroni cheese now YUK

The other little black cat (Sooty?) has not been seen today and extra food was bought in the supermarket just to feed it too but the dog says YUM

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

The ghost writer, the telephone lines, the oak tree and the cat

The ghost writer has had a long yet productive day in the grey office but as is always the way with the grey office it sucks all his brain cells out and so he is just a gibbering idiot who is of no use to man nor beast. Anyway we have laid him out on the bypass, well on the grassy bit on the middle of the lanes near a lamp post and have put a few bollards round him.

I am off out to the African drumming reunion group tonight, it is a whole two weeks since we drummed and it only seems like it was 14 days ago to me. Anyway it means I am in a bit of a rush, well not a rush I don’t really do rushing much; well not at all as it happens. My day at school was one of those stereotypical days at school where everything happens as it should although being a stereotypical day I am a little concerned that I may be obliged to do the day twice but I hope not. The dog has suggested that there may two of me but I am hoping that is not going to happen either as we had trouble with multi dimensional worlds a few weeks ago or maybe it was longer than that. One of the great issues in both our worlds is it is very difficult to get time to run in a linear fashion and things have always happened ages ago when you think it was just a few days ago.

 Dad had asked the garden centre to keep him a small oak tree a while back and he went to collect it this morning. He found he had to hire a huge crane to get it home because it had grow into a huge tree and the garden centre owner said it had been in the back for years, and dad thought is was just a few weeks too. He got if home without any problems though; which was good. But Mr Jenkins said that everyone between our house and the garden centre had somehow lost all their telephone lines.  The police suspect cable thief’s stealing the cable for the copper, they even came to see dad because everyone said they had seen him moving a huge 150 foot tree with a crane on the same route but dad said he could see very little because the tree was so big but he said he might have heard them because he did hear wires going ping as he was transporting the tree. The police say it will sadly be another unsolved crime. Mum was muttering things in the background I think she might have said IDIOTS.

We seem to have another cat in the garden a black one but it is very frightened and very hungry but Heavy Harry keeps trying to beat it up. The dog said cats are like that they are  ******** ******* but mum told the dog off for swearing.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Ian the Musical Hat Maker, famous rock star and all round nice chap and Steven Spielberg has fallen asleep on the train

I found out late last might from Auntie Karen that Ian the Musical Hat Maker, famous rock star and all round nice chap has been made Bionic like Pirate Pete. Pirate Pete said they could have a race but mum has explained that although Mr Ian the Musical Hat Maker has a bionic knee he does not have bionic steam powered legs enabling him to run at fifty miles an hour and leap twenty feet in the air.

Although he might find that fun and rather useful on stage the audience always like a rock star who can leap twenty feet in the air. Pirate Pete said maybe he could be a rock star; but mum pointed out he cant sing and is rubbish at playing the guitar …..  again. But after a few moments she said these days I guess that is not quite the obstacle it used to be. Pirate Pete has gone off to write a song now called HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR HAH. Pirate Pete thinks he might enter the Eurovision song contest next year on the grounds that most of the songs in that are rubbish too.

It has been rather chilly the last few days not sure why, according to the weatherman it is average but because we had all the sun and warm very early normal feels rather cold. I might have to go and visit Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop it is always nice in warm in there. As he says there is nothing quite like a real fire, he likes them so much, sometimes we find him standing in one of the large fireplaces on all the hot ashes and flames toasting marsh mallows and people with a lot of loyalty points. Although he does try to toast them in private as he says it scares the customers away a bit. Its funny about customers because since that last extra bank holiday when that royal got married and we all went ooooooo look a royal and ooooooo look another royal and ooooooo look a; and so on all the people in the town have vanished, well all the visitors have anyway. The dog is a bit upset he likes to lie outside the butcher with a sign saying starving dog my owner is nasty please give generously it works very well and the dog gets all sorts of things and the RSPCA does not come and tell dad off anymore, not after the dog ate the RSPCA mans frozen turkey and cake a few Christmas’s ago.

It was Quantum Mechanics at school again today and I’ve told the teacher that dad taught me how to strip down and repair a supercharged V8 Class 2 dragster running a nitro mix when I was six, but the silly teacher said IDIOT.

Someone has suggested we have another epic adventure because my diary is getting like a diary and that very nice Steven Spielberg has fallen asleep on the train reading it and if he misses his stop he will blame me and throw the manuscript in the waste paper basket. Which will be removed by crows as nesting material and quite frankly this is a lot of work to end as a crows nest. O dear that has started Pirate Pete and Captain Flint the Parrot off now with HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR HAH; Pirate Pete’s new song and its full of HAR HAR HAR’s.

Monday, 16 May 2011

Chris the builder and the Pit of Doom

Chris the builder has been building an invisible hatch to the cellar today, when I say its invisible I don’t mean it is actually invisible I mean it is impossible to spot it in the floor so that dad and Pirate Pete can hide all the things so that no one will know they are there. Well almost no one a few people with internet access who read my blog or look at facebook or twitter or the block buster book and movie might know.

Apparently we had people looking at the house the other day who thought they might buy it but their little girl was frightened by the Pit of Doom at the bottom of the garden. Dad did try to reassure them that almost no children have been lost in the Pit of Doom and there has only ever been the one child who was not recovered. Well he occasionally turns up near the entrance to the Pit of Doom when mum takes him food but he shouts and says YUK I don’t eat vegetables YUK get me ice cream ….. ……  now. He was never that popular but I can sympathise with what he says about vegetables YUK. I did go and peer in the Pit of Doom once but he said go Away it’s my pit. Still the point of this story is just to say having the Pit of Doom at the bottom of the garden is not good when selling a house. The dog likes it but that is not really much help is it.

My Super dooper office den made with the big copper cylinder is also at the bottom of the garden so I asked the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine about the Pit of Doom and all it said was AH yes that young child is in there I really wish someone you rescue him because I can hear him complaining about vegetable soup and mud in his X box thing.  Well after that it got side tracked and was muttering about the storm in the Autumn again.  I was planning to ask it about the Kiss of Death too but it then said Time for Bed Boing. Then Mum said O god that’s all we need the Magic Roundabout.

Sorry if you are one of our international readers I don’t think The Magic Roundabout crossed the channel, but the dog just said it would sink and has fallen about laughing again.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

A nice lazy Sunday only it was not a lazy Sunday and I mentioned politics ....... Sorry

Sunday and I was planning to chill and be lazy only mum has another one of those art exhibitions to organise and so we were making invites again today. I got the job of trimming a tiny bit of paper off the side of the invite so it all fitted together correctly. I was hoping to use one of those big scary French guillotines but I had to use a boring paper guillotine which is not quite the same.

 The dog said I am a man not a machine and said he was going to chase trees, I thought I was the man and he was a dog. And I was planning to ask the dog all about that chasing trees thing, but before I got the chance was gone and heading off towards the woods. He was shouting WOOF quite a lot trying to convince someone he is just an ordinary dog but that is not an easy thing to do when you’re huge with red eyes and texting someone on you’re mobile phone.  I think the dog changes his mind about whether he is a theoretical Mathematician and Physicist or a friendly dog playing stick depending on which option will get him the most food. Mum said all dogs are like that but most of them can’t do maths or use a mobile phone or speak Latin etc. 

Anyway I have managed to trim all the preview invites but they all need to be stuck together now so mum said me and dad can help her later before I do all my homework and wash the dishes after dinner. Well Sunday is not turning out as planned at all but that is what tends to happen if you make plans they never quite work and our world is rather prone to the unexpected at the best of times.

We still haven’t tried happy tea bags yet but I might have to after gluing, washing and homework because I will not be happy once I’ve done all that I will be well exhausted.  I have heard rumour of Captain Nessman leading a rebellion in the USA because they are not being nice to Pirates and so the Pirates have been firing cannon at city hall somewhere I think. Politics is odd sometimes because in the UK everyone is protesting that the government wants to introduce an American style Health Service and in America they are protesting because they want to introduce a British style Health Service. I was going ask mum and dad about it but they said  we have told you don’t do politics it’s the kiss of death ……….. ……. …….. ……. IDIOT

The Kiss Of Death ooooooooo that must be a good story  

Paul Nessman               Robby, from what I know, Captain Nessman strongly dislikes politics but has been pressed into service to defend the Pirate's noble cause and good name...or was that worthless cause and disgraceful name? All that I am sure of is that Captain Nessman's sworn enemy is a scallywag named Scott Walker. Whenever he even hears the mere mention of Scott Walker, he immediately blurts out, "IDIOT!"

In the UK we all think of the other Scott Walker of the Walker Brothers who were not brothers. So just to let everyone know Paul is talking of another Scott Walker unknown to us in the UK which sounds just as well I think. Mind you I think the Scott Walker we all know in the UK was a little eccentric at times.


Saturday, 14 May 2011

Trees. Toner. And the giant toad that ate the Queen ......... Time for tea

Miss Fiona left the ghost writer some happy tea bags in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop today, when I say happy tea bags the tea bags were not happy they were tea bags with a happy tea in (still sounds wrong).  Anyway the ghost writer said being happy would only make him grumpy and he is much happier being grumpy instead. The dog said this is a classic case of the Fletcher transitional Paradox…. WHAT?

It was decided by all that the best thing to do was to sit down and have a nice cup of tea and discuss if we should all try the happy tea which we did, not trying it but discussing it over a cup of tea. In the end it was decided that we should have a cup of happy tea but by then we had drunk so much ordinary tea that we thought we had better try it later.

The ghost writer himself then got in a real grump because his printer ran out of toner half way through the bit about the huge toad in Hyde Park trying to eat the Queen during the royal wedding and the masses of loyal subjects shouting and throwing egg whisks at it while Prince whatshisname and the other one drove round and round the palace to distract it. Anyway the printer ran out of ink just then and the ghost writer said he wanted to send a copy of the story to that very nice Steven Spielberg man to read, and if it ended there the whole story would make no sense again. So he had to drive a round trip of 50 miles plus to get some but at least he is not grumpy now and can leave the story again.

Me and the dog spent part of the day in the wood chasing trees? It was the dog’s idea, not mine because I never thought trees could move so catching a tree seemed to me rather easy. But apparently you are only allowed to catch the ones that are moving and the ones not moving are there to hide the moving ones. It got very complex indeed and I never found one but the dog did he showed me the tree but I said it was not moving only the dog said once you catch a moving tree it will stop moving and pretend to be a non moving tree. Apparently it might stay still for years so the dog said it was not worth waiting to see it move and anyway by then I was well exhausted from all the running about chasing trees. When I told mum what we had been doing she threw the Armadillo toaster at the dog and said IDIOT but I don’t know why.

Friday, 13 May 2011

Friday the 13th and the Voodoo lucky charm.

Friday 13th is meant to be very unlucky so I thought it might be best to take my lucky charm with me to school. I haven’t taken that with me anywhere for ages, not since the first page I think. At school the painters were painting all the windows so they had ladders all over the place and as we all know walking under them is bad luck too. So everyone was moving from class to class in a very convoluted and complex way.

Because I had my lucky charm with me I thought I may as well go the direct route between classes as it was much easier even if I did need to walk under loads of ladders. One of the painters asked me why I was not worried about walking under ladders so I showed him my lucky charm, it’s an African Voodoo lucky charm made out a shrunken head and the body of a snake. Well the painter screamed and fell of his ladder with a big tin of lime green paint in his hand; apparently he has never seen a mummified snake with a human head before so it was a bit of a surprise. His partner did try to catch him but got blinded when he was covered in paint so missed, and the first painter landed a bit head first.  The second painter wanted to know why the first painter had screamed so I showed him my lucky charm and they both screamed then and ran along the corridor. But they both tripped on another ladder which fell onto one or two of the pupils and one of the physics teachers and they got covered in lime green paint too. I went to help and told them they needed a lucky charm just like mine but they all screamed and ran off falling over ladders again when I showed them. It appears there were quite a lot of accidents in school today and we have a really interesting pattern of lime green foot prints on the floors now showing how a domino effect works. starting with just one set of foot prints and ending with at least a hundred by the school gates where they then disburse and go all over town; really interesting like the foot prints you get on the floors of dance schools. I was quite safe because I had my voodoo lucky charm but when I showed it to the headmaster he said IDIOT. I said that was not a good thing to say to a voodoo lucky charm just as one of the painters ladders slipped and landed on his foot the result of a big black jackdaw landing on the top of it. He was going to show me his lucky horseshoe but it slipped out of his hand and landed on his other foot.
The headmaster has said next time I am allowed to stay at home on Friday the thirteenth. WELL COOL it has turned into quite a lucky day.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Dogs, Bones, Football and a goal

 Mum and dad had a visitor today who had a little dog. It was a friendly little dog and was wagging its tail all the time. Heavy Harry the Cat had been fast too sleep but was not happy when he woke up to have a bite to eat only too find a little dog wagging its tail at him. Heavy Harry has decided this is his space now so little dogs wagging tails are not allowed.

Heavy Harry did his grumpy look and stared at the little dog the whole time until the dog left even then he followed it outside and jumped on mum and dads friends car just to make sure it was not likely to stay. I think the little dog was oblivious of the cat’s distain because it was still wagging its tail and being happy. Our dog said afterwards silly little dog for too optimistic it will soon learn that not all bones are buried 5 paces to the left of the cherry tree marked with a rock resembling a skull. He then ran out saying something about letting the cat out of the bag. I was well confused because the cat was not in a bag, anyway the next thing was the dog is back covered in soil and bits of shrub going PHEW.  Well he went PHEW but mum then said something about They better not be in the rose bed again and the dog vanished.  The dog is mad sometimes?

We played the interschool five a side football competition today our team go to the final it was very exciting. The other team in the final were very kind; they said we could have ten players as they were all six foot eight inches tall and eighteen stone. They still beat us 43-1. I scored our goal but I was watching from the audience and just sort of kicked it in passing. But the ref said what the hell it’s a goal, the other team were not very happy though as it was the first goal anyone has scored against the team in fifteen years. Apparently the centre forward cost the school two million pound and is expected to do quite well in woodwork.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Ramplestiltskin and the giant English essay

I got a gold star for my English essay today which was meant to be called A study of legends and fairy tales in fiction today. The teacher said it was not what she was expecting. So I thought I would let you read it. Mum said she thought the ending was great.

Once apon a time a very long time ago in the land of the Jabberwocky and the banyan tree there was a big bad wolf who was being chased by three pigs wearing red riding hoodies, the poor old wolf was so puffed in the end he couldn’t even blow down a straw house. He was desperate to find somewhere to hide so a girl called Goldilocks said he could crash out in the squat she was in and that night he stayed there, only the bed was so small it broke. The wolf was well upset because Goldilocks had two beds and both were much bigger. Then in the morning she gave him a bowl of porridge but he burnt his mouth because it was so dam hot. He explained they were weird pigs because they had very big eyes and she said all the better to see you with Ha HA HA. At which point the three pigs with the red riding hoodies came round the corner. Luckily for the wolf there was a pantomime cow outfit to hand and he put in on. As the Wolf escaped in disguise he bumped into a farmer who wanted a pantomime cow outfit for the young farmers panto in the market and the wolf sold it to the farmer for a goose which the farmer said laid golden eggs. The Wolf didn’t care what colour they were he thought it tasted great. The farmer also gave the Wolf some beans which the wolf threw away saying YUK beans.

Anyway the beans rapidly grew into a huge beanstalk which was just as well because the red riding hoodies turned up so the wolf climbed up the beanstalk to get away, pigs are rubbish at climbing. As he was climbing he met a couple called Jack and Jill who kindly gave the wolf a bucket of water to drink. He asked how far it was to the top but some Grand Old Duke of York said he was neither up nor down. The wolf said thanks but really that is of no help. Then some lad passed him going down very quickly with an axe shouting something about a giant, then to make things worse the lad starts to chop the beanstalk down, but just before the wolf thinks he is a goner and the red riding hoodies will finally get him they (the red riding hoodies) are all squashed by a giant falling from above. And they all had a big party eating hog roast cooked up by some bloke called Rumplestiltskin who said guess my name and you can have bacon butties on the house.  Everyone said Rumplestiltskin because it said Rumplestiltskin Catering on his van. Well everyone except Repunzel who got it wrong and the giant said IDIOT.     

Monday, 9 May 2011

Thunder lightning and Frankenstein’s Burglar

Some thunder earlier I love thunder. I really like all the long low rumbling sounds of thunder as apposed to the sharp snapping thunder when the lighting flash is in the same street.  Dad loves the lightning he has a big metal aerial on his workshop which has a hydraulic extension so it will go even higher when there are storms.

Inside he likes to make lightning machines but they have a habit of exploding when the aerial gets struck by lightning mum says he just likes all the big flashes and none of the machines have ever had any practical use. Except on this occasion when a burglar was climbing the aerial to try and pinch the big copper ball from the top, it is not advisable to climb lightning conductors in an electrical storm as the burglar found out when he fell through the roof of dad’s workshop, smouldering and burning a bit. Dad thought he had recreated Frankenstein’s Monster and was really excited until he found out it was a burglar.  He found that out as he was drilling the hole to put the bolt through the monsters neck to give it a nice authentic feel and knew something was wrong when the monster kept shouting I’m Brian….. I’m Brian the Burglar I give up. Dad said He was not going to have a monster called Brian so handed him over to the police.  But dad at least did catch a burglar so it is the first practical thing he has done with lighting in ages.

 As for me it was fairly uneventful although my school friends did tell me off for playing the African Rain Rhythm on my African drum the other day at the drum reunion. They said I need to play the African Sun Rhythm now as we have had most of this years rain now. I had to tell them I haven’t learnt that yet so they got in a huff and hid in the sand pit, they buried their heads in the sand pit like Ostriches so they couldn’t see me. Both me and the headmaster said IDIOTS but they didn’t hear us because there heads were stuck in the sand. I think they might still be there.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

The FBI, CIA, MI6 and the Tyrannosaurus Rex from the TV show Britains Got Talent

For various reasons best know to dad; dad thinks the FBI, CIA and maybe MI6 have homed in on my diary so he has told me to be really careful about what I say. For example he said don’t mention the Einstein Cube or the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine or Pirate Pete’s still in the cellar or his new patch of plants he has with the big lamps and all the walls covered in tin foil.

So I am going to be good and not mention them. He would probably prefer me not to mention all the money he made on the big press in his workshop either although he is less worried about his workshop as he modified the life size Tyrannosaurus Rex he made me for Halloween night last year to be a guard dog.  The dog said he is a much better guard dog that a mad microprocessor controlled hydraulic Tyrannosaurus Rex that can’t even read Latin correctly or tap dance. Dad tells me that is not entirely true because it can tap dance quite well. He even entered it for that Britain’s Got Talent show on the television, but the judges all screamed and ran away, so did all the other contestants and the audience. Dad was at least hoping he might get a copy of the video but apparently the camera crew ran away screaming too.  And he said to rub salt into the wound the man at the station said the Tyrannosaurus Rex was not allowed on the train so he had to hire a van to get it home it was quite a large van because the Tyrannosaurus Rex is twenty feet tall.  Anyway I don’t think the FBI are going to go into his workshop even if the dog is a better guard dog.

Very strange weather today sun then loads of rain then loads of sun then loads of rain and so on, I know I mention the weather a lot but we do this in Britain it is a tradition people go to wild mad parties (so I’m told) and all they talk about is the weather. I have never been to a wild mad party just parties with mad wild people at them, talking about the weather.

Saturday, 7 May 2011

The conspiracy of the Keepers of Time

Well what a wet start to the day it was the first proper rain in a while so all the plants are much happier. Dad says it’s the start of Autumn because the seasons are all slowly moving forward. Dad says it’s a conspiracy but the Keepers of Time who have speeded up the moon so the days are all a bit shorter so as the years pass summer turns up in February.

The dog says that can’t be right because if it was our clocks and watches would all be wrong and we would have to adjust them every now and again. That is quite interesting because I have adjusted my watch at least two or three times this year and all the wall clocks say different times anyway and the town hall clock chimes all sorts of things at some really odd times. So maybe that’s it; our increasingly early summer is not due to climate change it is the work of the Keepers of Time. I though I would ask the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine about time because it knows about this sort of thing but is said I should ask mum. I asked mum about dads theories but she just said her watch was running fast and that she didn’t have time to answer things like that right now.

Even though it is Saturday and I should have had loads of time to do stuff; that has not worked out either and most of the day seemed to vanish before I did anything even though I was not actually doing nothing but all the things I did, didn’t really result in any tangible changes in anything. It is very annoying to do things all day then look back on the day and think that’s add I don’t seem to have done anything. Apparently that is quite common too. It is not only very annoying but something of a paradox, dad is blaming it on the Keepers of Time.  Mum said IDIOT again but I think dad has a point because the rain has got worse and all our watches are at different times again.

And now it is time for me to go, well I think it’s time to go only I am not sure anymore because my watch tells me I need to have breakfast and I ate that hours ago but I don’t mind eating more of them after all you cant have to much bacon, sausage, black pudding, fried bread, scrambled egg, mushrooms, baked beans, pancakes and maple syrup, French fries and hash brownies. YUMMY.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Minibus Royals, charades and Boolean Algebra.

The day after the day before, and the day before tomorrow and exactly a week from a week ago. The Fun Fair has gone the voters have gone all the cars have gone and all the people appear to have gone too. The town has gone from the hustle and bustle of a small market town to a ghost town with no ghosts. Actually that last bit is not true there are a few ghosts in Montgomery.

Even School was very quiet and we all had to do charades and point at things and wave our hands about. I have never done charades in Maths before and although we could all count up to ten very easily; we found doing Boolean Algebra a bit awkward. Well trying to understand what the teacher was saying or not saying while he balanced on one leg on his deck doing what looked like the front crawl was almost impossible. The dog says that was easy, it was minus infinity and we should have got that dead easy.  Still charades in maths makes more sense than charades in music and not being allowed to make any noise what so ever. The music teacher did say it is the best I have ever played the violin and gave me a gold star but I didn’t actually make any noise? Mum said she will give me a gold star too if I don’t play the violin which is easy to do at home because we don’t have one, well not any longer not after dad attacked it with the flame thrower after my recital of Born in the USA by that Bruce Springtin bloke. He said I was scaring Fluffy the Cat. I don’t know how as Fluffy was back home in Mr Jenkins sleeping at the time and the dog howling on the landing was much louder than me I’m sure.

We are returning to a period of normality again now as there are no holidays or bank holidays or Royal Wedding or solar eclipses or events of a similar  nature for at least three weeks after which I’m sure another Royal might be getting married and there is another bank holiday. The two events are not connected by the way as it might be one of the minivan royals getting married this time or is it the queen? Mum just said IDIOT. I suspect she might not mean the queen so it is either me or the minibus royal person.


Well I have time tonight to write a bit more in my diary  as Heavy Harry the Cat is outside somewhere so I can get to my desk. There are two police cars opposite and the police have just wondered towards the main square, they are not wearing stab jackets or carrying coshes so they are not after the cat.

The cat went to the vet today to get an annual jab, he was not very happy but was somewhat confused so was in and out before he had the chance to attack anyone. I was somewhat amused by a big sign saying Flea Awareness Month, the dog has just said I don’t have flea’s so I will go out and find some or in other words I have to start from Scratch. He has fallen over laughing again now, he might be clever but he is rubbish at jokes. I might take that back because I heard a growl.  Dad is grumbling about it costing more to get the animals sorted than humans I think it has something to do with charging by the leg.

On the bus going to school we saw a sign in a car saying no to electric village. I think that is to do with the pylons only an electric village sounds really cool to me so I think they might need to change that a bit. Pirate Pete went to one of those protest meeting he had adopted one of the old classic sixties protest chants and changed the words a bit so when he shouted what do we want more pylons. When do we want them………. Now……  He realized he had got it slightly wrong but he did say he could only think of pro pylon chants as all the anti pylon chants were rubbish. The dog says it’s an omen and rather than think of them as pylons we should think of them as The Eiffel Tower. Dad just said the Awful tower and both him and the dog are rolling about laughing again. Pirate Pete is now in the garden shouting Maggie Maggie Maggie Hub Hub Hub; really it can seem totally mad here sometimes. Captain Flint the Parrot is still going on about gold stars and treasure chests too. I tried to explain but as he is a parrot and  he can get a bit single minded. I will go and feed him Brazil nuts that normally works. I think Pirate Pete must have taught him to say Polly wants a pylon.