A useful Guide to the Athletes in the Commonwealth Games (sort of)

Tomorrow Wednesday sees the official start of the Commonwealth Games, a games which we now know will be infiltrated by Aliens from a variety of planets who have their own agenda.  Now I can hear you all ask well exactly how are we going to know if someone has been taken over by an alien? It is not as clear cut as it might seem. Lets face it you are not going to see a strange creature emerging out of the stomach of the winner of the one hundred metres as they cross the finish line. Waving its many arms about in celebration and demanding the National Anthem of the federation of Betamax three.

You see what you need to look for is very subtle, the best indicator that someone is actually an Alien will be the following, use this useful list to keep an eye out for suspects. When I say eye out DO NOT try and remove your eye, its one of those silly sayings again.

1          They will look entirely like an ordinary human being

2         They  are keen on tight fitting lycra or similar material  

3        They do like bling sporty shoes, if you see gold or silver then it’s a dead cert they are alien

4       The likelihood is they are faster longer taller shorter stronger lighter heavier than us normal human beings

5        They smile a lot because they know they are going to win

6        They will probably win. . . . . . When they win they will grab a flag and run about with it in a sort of HEY LOOK I'M NOT AN ALIEN . . . HONEST sort of way. They are Aliens for sure.

7     If things do not go to plan they may throw stuff about, shout a lot or eat passing officials, again this is a sure sign they are Aliens.

8        Some aliens have a thing about spots, if you see anyone wearing outfits with spots then they are ALIENS. The same is true of stripes but they prefer spots.

 So armed with this useful (short and concise) Rough Guide to Aliens it should be easy to spot Aliens during the Commonwealth Games and support your favourite.

And remember it is bad form to shout TAKE ME TO YOU LEAPER as the triple jumpers are just about to set off.

    

Somehow this made me think of President Putin

A Perplexing Anomaly about Sport, Aliens and Popularity

I am not a person who has a huge amount of interest in sport, something that may (or may not) be clear from my coverage of the Football World Cup and if you delve back into the deaths (sorry Depths) of my diary, the Olympics.  This is a personal thing, I don't mind if folk get excited by sport, I even have known folk who like sport so much they will have it on the television even when they are not in the room watching it.   But there is an odd thing linked to my coverage of these sporting events in my own rather offbeat way (although every word is true-ish), yes it appears I get far more pageviews on my blog.

So what makes the masses choose my blog to get the latest news of these sporting competitions? Many would say they learn absolutely nothing from my blog; OK they did learn the entire world cup was manipulated by Dave the Elvis Impersonator and won by German Androids. . . . . And the World Cup is probably not the Holy Grail. 

My main worry now is that in order to continue to see growth in the blog I will be forced to comment on more sport, but I am not a great fan of sport so I am more than a little perplexed by this strange state of affairs. Will I be forced to rely on the Commonwealth Games to perpetuate the excitement of the masses? And reveal that certain sports have been taken over by Aliens stealing the bodies of the unsuspecting sports people. . . it is a strong possibility.

Anyway the Ghost Writer spent his day in the office pondering the virtues of computers and using his own set of unique tools to perform tasks that other IT folk think of as plain stupid or blatant vandalism.  And as myself and the Ghost Writer are physically and mentally bonded together in a way that can only be described as diabolically indescribable, much like those Commonwealth Athletes that have been taken over by Aliens.  What this means is, when the Ghost Writer is knackered (so to speak. . . sorry small children your parents will explain) so am I. . . .

Therefore that’s your lot I’m off. . . I hate computers. 

     

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The least important football match in the World Cup (Brazil 2014)

As many of you know I have been reporting the news from the world cup in Brazil over the last couple of weeks and the slightly bizarre truth behind the veiled illusion that it is a sporting event to find the best football nation in the world.  As if the general public are likely to be taken in by such a far fetched tale. One thing I had forgotten though after the terrible defeat of my Androids when they lost out in the penalty shootout against Argentina is that there is a play off for third and forth position. Yes I know I don’t see the point of it either, not now the Knights Templar have as good as got their hands on the World Cup (Holy Grail).

 My Androids (the Netherlands Team) are very despondent, they know they have let me down and I did turn one into a Ballet Dancer and one into a small Beast for refusing to take penalties.  And Brazil as we know are very despondent as they were beaten to a pulp by the German Androids of the Knights Templar.  So tomorrow the Netherlands and Brazil have to play yet one more game of football which will not help either in any way and certainly will not help me rule the world. 

Even my little scam to sell a few tickets for the match to folk for a slightly inflated price has not gone well. Mr Ray Gun it appears has had to do a bit of a runner when he told everyone that Brazil was in the final; not the third fourth position playoff, and it was all a bit of a mistake caused by a Butterfly flapping its wings in the heart of the Amazon Jungle. Which is as we all know the origin of Chaos theory, and the reason that Brazil plan to chop it down and create a car park in readiness for the next Olympics.  No one wants chaos during the Olympics so those Butterflies need to go.

Ooooooooo apparently the government plan to ban folk chewing Cats. . . . . . . I know it’s a bit odd

Amphibian Aliens, Floods, and Olympic Bronze. . . .

Back at the beginning of January I talked of the Toad People of Todimimiun 3 who were planning to invade Britain by manipulating the weather and turning Britain into a chaotic flooded place where they would easily be able to overwhelm the local natives (us British). Folk laughed back then (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA) but as time has passed the country has slowly flooded, well the South has slowly flooded. You see if you were planning to take over the country and you are an alien amphibian based life form flooding the South of Britain is exactly what you would do. It is where all the movers and shakers of the country live in big houses, and if you destroy the rail system here, up North is doomed and of course the folk up North will think . . . . serves those manby pamby folk down South right waving their big houses and new cars at us all the time. But this allows the Toad People of Todimimiun 3 to establish their foot hold on the country and before you can say . . . .Here uncle Fred has been swallowed by a toad . . . . its too late……

In other news Britain won a bronze medal at the Winter Olympics, apparently the first ever on Snow….. I will say I was a little amused that one of the reasons that we are good at this particular sport is because you can do it on dry ski slopes, so you don’t need real snow….. So the reason we won our first medal on snow was because it does not require snow, we don’t have a lot of snow in Britain, but we do have a lot of rain, down South…..

The Opening Ceremony of the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics, President Putin and a Small Chicken.

The winter Olympic opening ceremony has been on the go today and it was rather a grand affair for a winter Olympics as in general they tend to be more friendly and low key than the summer ones. But of course because they are in Russia rumour have abounded that President Putin was keen to put on (Putin . . . . . .  Put on . . . . . . . HA HAH HA H HAH hah ha haha ha ha ha hah ha ha) a good show. And I would have to say some of it was very spectacular indeed as it showed the story of Russia through history, a bit like the London Olympics showed Britain. The odd thing with these though is that it sort of ended with the breaking up of the USSR and then came to an abrupt holt in a sort of AH . . . . . . .DAMN . . . . . I know we can have some Seagulls  . . . no hang on Doves, Doves is good or Swans folk like Swans …….. Interestingly it appears that Sochi (the place in Russia, not the Japanese seafood) is one of the warmer parts of Russia and has no snow which might make things a bit tricky.

Anyway as you know the chicken loves these things and only the other day said he planned to fly over and sneak in; and much like in London the Russians also would prefer not to have chickens running about, partly because it is already complicated enough with Seagulls, Doves and Swans all over the place. But the chicken is a resourceful beast and 40,000 armed troops and folk dressed as white rabbits were never going to keep it away from meeting the main man.

I was able to capture the moment on the TV as out of the shadows the chicken moves in closer to see President Putin close up. The President gritting his teeth, but clearly unhappy that the massed security forces failed to get the chicken. Although if you look at the picture closely you will notice that he is cunningly using his third arm (not many folk know he has three arms) to try and grab the chicken and have him (her) dealt with.

Apparently loads and loads of money was spent on the venue and there is talk of legacy much like there was after the London Olympics . . . . . . . .HAH HA HAH HA HAH AH HAH AH HA HAH AH HA HAH AH HA HAH HA HA Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 

Paralympics closing ceremony 2012, Coldplay and Steam Punk

Sunday and a much cooler day. A day that feels like autumn is starting, particularly as there is the odd leaf falling off some plants. So we have started to dismantle the covered canopy over the patio at the back of the house, it was planned that we would have a big barbeque and invite all our friends but then we got involved in sorting things out, doing things that needed doing, doing things that might have needed doing, putting all the things away from doing things that did or might have needed doing. And we are now doing things that need to be done before the weather breaks and it is wet; like it was in the summer. So the result of all this is the party (barbeque) never happened, well has not yet, we will have a party at some point, we are just not sure when….. I am told this is normal, as human beings we have commitments that drive our daily day such as my diary or the dog eating bones, the result is what gets left out is the parties and drinking cocoa lying on the beach or tightrope walking over the car park of the out of town supermarket to annoy the manager.

I hope to be back later to give a final verdict on the Paralympics which have gone remarkably well for Great Britain as tonight is the closing ceremony. The opening one was well cool although I believe the closing one might have a lot of Coldplay in it, I quite like Coldplay’s music but they are not always the chirpiest bunch in the world.  I’m not sure what they then do with the stadium and all the other buildings, although I think some are due to be removed, I just hope they don’t waist them.  I say that because a friend designed a building for the millennium exhibition that could be dismantled and rebuilt outside afterwards only it was just trashed and destroyed, which was a terrible waste….

There is much talk of the great Olympic/Paralympics legacy but we will see in a couple of months when it is windy cold and raining.  

Sorry it is a quiet day, it is Sunday and next Sunday there will be no closing ceremony to discuss later it will be me and the dog betting on two flies walking up a window pane.

Ooooo that reminds me, we live in a classic 1970’s bungalow with huge UPVC windows; we have noticed that the flies like to sit on the UPVC pooing and doing what flies do. So me and the dog plan to invent a new substance called Fliesgone that you wipe on your UPVC frame and the flies go AAAAAAAAAAuuuuuugggghhhhhh and run off (fly off).

See you later




LATER

I have returned to give my assessment of the closing ceremony of the Paralympics which has just finished as I write. It was rather good I was well impressed, even Coldplay looked like they were thinking WOW but they were right in the middle of a lot of amazing stuff. And they were fairly chirpy too. What was really special about the whole thing was it had a STEAMPUNK theme, now how cool is that. As you know we have always been keen on steam powered things in my diary, dads only real grumble was there were no armadillos, which when you think the next Paralympics is in South America would have been a clever link, it appears they used a piranha fish instead. But what can you say except well done to someone, the only thing I would have done is loose a couple of songs from the middle and it would have been perfect. There is always a desire to tweak things just a bit longer than needed.

Maybe steam punk will be trendy now, now that would be a cool legacy although not the one planned I guess. I bet anyone living near the closing ceremony got woken up by the fireworks at the end there were a lot of them… 

Towards the end the Chicken did start to loose interest but he loves fairy cakes.

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the Paralympics Opening Ceremony, Miss Fionaski and Neil Armstrong

So today’s big event was the Ghost Writers Birthday and we all had a family get together to celebrate this and bought him a great big present. However this is not the only reason we are a bit late tonight is the opening ceremony of the Paralympics and we are watching a bit of it. I say watching but we missed the start due to the Ghost Writers party. We are also doing what we did on the Olympic Opening ceremony we have sneaked away as they work there way through the alphabet. WOWS there are a lot of countries, some I have never heard of at all. But it does appear that the Paralympics is more diverse and cosmopolitan and that is good.  Anyway we are waiting until we arrive at say Zanzibar then we will go and see how it finishes tonight. I just hope we don’t have another two weeks of Chariots of Fire on a loop or I will complain to someone and wave my arms about in an annoying way.

As for other news Miss Fionaski has returned from her secret mission to the moon, a week ago I was not sure why the Russians would send their top spy all the way to the moon but with the sad death of Neil Armstrong all is now clear, it was a way to boost KGB funding.  Yes I suspect Neil Armstrong memorabilia will make a fortune on ebay at present, particularly those things that were left on the moon like the stars and strips flag and the rock that Mr Armstrong wrote ‘Neil Was Here’ on. Then there are things like the life size inflatable Elvis which Neil Armstrong was told off for taking and he was forced to leave behind. It was this that started that rumour that Elvis was alive and well and living on the moon when it was spotted by keen amateur astronomers one night.  You are probably thinking would the KGB really go to such ends for funding, but sadly with the ending of the cold war, needs must.

OK I have been away watching the big end of the opening of the Paralympics games and all I can say is overall I think they were better that the Olympics by a long way. There was some really cool stuff. And the Paralympics flame arriving on a zip wire from 350 ft on the top of that ArcelorMittal Orbit was very very clever. And lets face it having an Ian Dury song in the middle of it was brill, but then I am a fan of Ian Dury so would say that, and science, so the inclusion of a huge Newtonian telescope was perfect timing for tonight’s diary. I was even impressed that the British team all dressed up as Neil Armstrong and Steven Hawkins and the moon were there. So all in all it was ******** excellent. The only snag now is it is tomorrow again …….. DAMN…   

Ian Dury's protest song has  a bit of bite .... I was pleased they played it tonight

Cool

James Bond and the Toad, a Glider and the Paralympics.

As many of you know my diary is written as a manuscript for that very nice Steven Spielberg to read and go Oooooooooooo that would make a good movie, admittedly a rather long movie these days (or alternatively Quick get an injunction that Rob Z Tobor is sending me that bloody manuscript again).  Book One started on the 15^th August 2010 and finished on 4^th Sep 2011 and ran to 161,000 words. Book Two started on the 5^th Sep 2011 and will end in the first week of Sep 2012 and is presently 148, 000 words long.  So I have been writing this for two years now. My plan was too outlive that silly Harry Potter but to do that I will need to be pottering about (pottering …..HAH HAHAHH HAHH hahhah hah ah hah ah hah hah ahh ah hahah hhah ahhah hah ) for about four more years so that will be about 1,000,000 words in total.

I am not sure what Mr Steven Spielberg is going to say if he ends up with the whole 1,000,000 words in one go, it might break his desk, especially if it is all on posh paper (I insist on posh paper). Anyway it is good to know I have officially passed 300,000 words now. This does not include all the comments of my colleagues in cyberspace in my various outlets; that would add at least another 50,000 words to it….. and you would all want your cut of the royalties (that’s nothing so far so PHEW?)

OK right back to today……….. So today I found a toad he was only a small toad and did not respond to a single command and refused to talk to me or the dog, he just looked at us in a sort of toad way. Then we saw a glider being towed by a small plane, the people in the glider do not respond to us either they just looked at us in a towed way too………. Towed Way Too, sounds like a villain in a Kung foo or Bond movie ‘So Mr Bond you will be put in the tank of toads and they will eat you alive HAH HAHHAH HAH HHAH HAH HHAH HAHH HAHAHHHAHHAH HAHH HHAHA hah hahh hah hah hah hah hahahh ha…….. Your glider has been toWed away HAH HAH ah hah hah hah hah hah hahh haha hah ha’

I also had yet another bonfire, as and when Mr Spielberg finally gets round to making the movie one thing in abundance will be large bonfires.

That reminds me four bonfires were lit last night for the Paralympics  on the four highest peaks of the UK in the rain, I don’t wish to rubbish the start but they were not the best of bonfires I wish they had told me I would have given them a real bonfire to get things going. I have also notice they only get silver Olympic torches not gold, now come that’s not fair.

I am looking forward to the Paralympics, lets face it is easy to run fast when you have all your limbs and they work properly, doing it with bits missing or crumpled takes real guts….  

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Pine cones, and the vegetarian at the Olympic Stadium

Today I was sawing wood and collecting pine cones, one of the big trees that had to be cut down had loads of pine cones and they make great fire starters, and as it is due to rain tomorrow I was ordered to go and collect them all up. When I say ordered it was in fact a game of Scissors, Paper, Stone and the loser had to go and do it……….. So guess what. I was rather hoping the dog would help but he misheard and turned up with a van load of traffic cones, and was told to get rid of them somewhere sharpish. It appears he may have caused a bit of a traffic jam on the main road although he was rather pleased with his temporary contra flow system based on a progressive double helix three lane double box intersection with staggered filter lane control.

In other news someone was telling us that they had been to the Olympics and had a great day out, but it seemed that if you were a vegetarian then food was a bit of a problem. They think there may have been vegetarian food at the Olympics but sadly never found it so ate chips followed by chips and chips. Not the ideal choice of legacy for the next generation.  Although I love a good chip butty.

As many of you know I have various outlets for my humble diary one of which is a blog. Every now and again I get anonymous comments left on the blog by people who wish to remain  anonymous, sadly for them these are shifted straight into the spam box because well that is just what happens, I am not entirely sure why. However I was a little amused by the following comment made just before they said I should visit there website selling stuff…..

‘Ѕimply wish to say your artiсle is аs astonishing. The clаrity in уour рoѕt iѕ just сool аnd i could assume yοu're an expert on this subject. Fine with your permission let me to grab your feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the gratifying work.’

What can I say it makes it all worth while knowing a man doing his bit flogging stuff on the internet thinks I am astonishing; I am astonished to say the least. Although when he says ‘The clarity in your post is just cool’ I am a little suspicious, after all I work hard and being unclear and random about stuff. However I will be keeping up the gratifying work, for now…… 

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The Olympic Legacy of Legs,. curtains and 100% of an unknown fraction (X%)

Today saw a return to normality, I am not sure about you lot but I am quite pleased; I have thought about that legacy thing now for at least half an hour today wondering if I should run, jump, skip or throw large heavy things and get in training for Rio in four years time and weighing up all the pro’s and con’s I have come to conclusion, best not too. It is a lot of work and I have guitars and a drum so I have asked mum for a note to give to someone excusing me from Olympic training. The dog and I have decided that we will do what we do best and are going to make a large hollow wooden leg which we will take to the beach and sail it the short hop across the bay (short hop HAH HAHAHHHAH Hah aha hah hah ah hah ahhah hah hah hahh  ha ha ha ha)

Yes we will be doing our bit by sailing a Leg at Sea (Legacy) HA HA HA HA HA HAH hHAHH HAH HAH HHAH HAH AH HAH HAH hah ah h hahaha hhaahh ahhah ahhahahhahh ahh ah hah ahh hhhahha…… We thought if we painted it gold (in recognition of the British gold medals) we could call it The Golden Hind Leg

Normality today involved a trip to Shrewsbury to look for material for the curtains for the big orange room (although as we know it is already smaller now by the thickness of four layers of paint). The material we got is WELL COOL and was a bargain at less than twenty five percent of its original price; which was well expensive…..

One interesting sign we saw as we passed the hospital, well rather a lot of signs saying the same thing as it happens was ‘100% Part Exchange Guaranteed’ on a big block of new houses. Personally I thing the whole thing looks a bit ghetto like; it is not nice in this day and age to squeeze as many houses as possible into a smallish area but that is beside the point because I am confused by ‘100% Part Exchange Guaranteed’……. What exactly does that mean, am I missing something fundamental here about maths. I can see that it might be possible to have 100% of part of something but if you don’t know how big the part is of the whole, it sort of makes the statement irrelevant.  Anyway it annoyed me but in a reassuring way that makes me realize that the post Olympic world will soon be just like the pre Olympic world…….PHEW…..

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An alternative assessment of the closing ceremony of the London Olympic Games and the Olympic Legacy

I am late very very late, in fact it is tomorrow now because of this …….AH. Anyway the reason for this late diary entry was to watch the closing ceremony of the London Olympic Games to see how it faired. It all went remarkably well as it happens; although on a personal level, I sort of felt they tried to squeeze a bit much in.

As always happens in these things the athletes took just a bit longer than they are meant too to get into place and the subtle herding towards the end got a bit less subtle. And it all got off to a flying start with loads of good music and clever little quirky classic British stuff.  But then it sort of just lost its way as it run into Fat Boy slim and the like.

But then all was saved by Eric Idle Singing 'Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life' a true classic of what Britain is all about and the perfect song to confuse a fair percentage of the worlds countries. And Brian May was really good too, just a shame that Freddie is dead; a bit like John Lennon, what I particularly liked about John Lennon’s performance was that although he is dead he did a much better job of it than Paul did at the start.

I thought it rather interesting that bearing in mind the Olympic stance on Drug taking that a fair number of the featured music was from groups and musicians who have over the years taken one or two substances that would be a little frowned on in the test lab. I also thought that the roller-skating nuns was a sneaky and cunning way to upset one or two of the more strict catholic countries, along with the some of the more scantily clad people. However we did throw in some morris dancers just so they know us Brits are WELL COOL and a man on a high wire who set fire a shop clothes dummy……. Yes only us Brits would do that….

Sadly I saw the spice girls but they were not on long and seem to have lost the knack a bit (maybe it just me, I was never a fan)

I rather liked the little Rio bit the classic seventies flared cat suits and afro hair was brill as was Elvis. You see Rio were able to raise Elvis from the dead, now that really is Cool, we tried to trump this with a neat trick at the end by putting The Who centre stage, a damn clever move they no doubt remember those flared cat suits and Elvis like it was yesterday.

Talking of yesterday, this is yesterdays diary entry because today is today …….. DAMN I said that at the start ……..GOODNIGHT ALL.

One final point……  I would just like to point out that the Olympic Game legacy has finally taken root in that closing Olympic Ceremony ……. We all want to play guitar like Brian May…………. sod all that running about 

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The Olympic Flame, Mo and a Moth

As you all know Britain, (well London, I think they have forgotten the rest of us now) has been hosting this Olympic sports thing and it appears that the British have been doing remarkably well. Even today, as we come to the end of the penultimate day the Brits are still winning a few medals. Tomorrow is the grand ending with what appears to be a few celebs, well I think they are celebs.  I suspect that the trendy thing to do will now to be seen hanging out doing a bit of sport with a medallist saying things like HAY WE LIKE TO JOG WITH MO JUST TO STAY IN TRIM.

Anyway I did my bit today; after my rather disastrous bonfire yesterday I had another go today. Now this is something I could win medals for in fact I could melt them if I wanted so I made sure that today’s fire was good, very good and that it had at least a full 15ft of flame at times, and all done with non toxic regulation garden stuff and some hedge cutting, no cheating with accelerants and plastic or cardboard. No one wants to be banned on the last full day of competition do they?

I could tell we are near the end of the Olympics because they are running out of sports, for example that modern pentathlon, WHAT? Fencing, swimming, show jumping and running and shooting…….? Yes OK but WHAT?

Then there was that 200m canoe race for one person and then pairs WHAT? How mad is that. You can imagine someone saying ooooo lets go for a canoe trip and they shot off like a motorboat but only as far as the other bank and then they say to you that was fun what’s next before you have even managed to get in a canoe.  And I’m sorry but the BMX just looks silly.  

Anyway the British have done well, and all we need to get through now is the closing ceremony without blowing it somehow, and we can send all those BBC sports reporters back into the darker recesses of obscurity telling them, job well done mate but here is your P45 and thanks….. And I can be grumpy again……….. WELL COOL and tinker in a shed with my new steam powered pole for the pole vault ready for next time…..   

I saw one of these today too, 

But he is still quite safe, and now called MO

HAHAHAHHAHAh hah ah ah hah ah ahah ha hha 

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Boris in a wardrobe and the Olympics. And the fragility of life

Me and the dog spent the day attempting to perpetrate a particularly impenetrable part of the garden using a steam powered mechanical machete and a flame thrower. It was all part of our recording nature project for the school who are interested in finding rare and fragile species of plants, insects and animals. We spent a fair bit of time battling through the undergrowth but sadly found no life of any sort. The dog thought he glimpsed something of interest, but by then he was a bit trigger happy on the flame thrower, we were both convinced we heard a little voice go YICKS but I think the dog char grilled it to well done. 

But it was a good morning and loads of fun so no harm done (sort of… ok a bit)

The big orange room is starting to take shape, when I say take shape I mean we have almost finished all the painting; it is still the same shape as it was when we started just more orange.     

I then had a very unsuccessful bonfire this afternoon, that is not like me I can usually burn stuff really well and it was a sunny dry day too so not sure why that happened. It is like being a dead certain medal winner at the Olympics and then coming last in the qualifying section… That happens to me all the time in the school sports but then that is to do with betting scams that I am best not to mention ………AH DAMN. 

Anyway I was planning to redeem the situation by adding some wood from an old wardrobe (very old, no not antique just rubbish) but Boris the Spider has set up home in it and was in a bit of a strop when I ripped the door off. I have told Boris that I will leave him be for tonight, but he can’t go round setting up home just any place me fancies, although he was being very grumpy. With luck now he has no front door he will go and find a more practical place to live. Still it may explain the lack of life in our hunt this morning, Boris the Spider has eaten it all.

Ooooooo yes sorry the Olympics, I think we got sailing medals today or was that yesterday I cant remember………. COME ON TIM. People keep saying legacy now rather than I SEE A LEG ……………. HAH HAHHAh hah ah hahh ah hah hahah hah hah hhahh hahha 

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The Rio Olympics, a Bath, and Jelly Fish......

I have not mentioned the weather much lately, partly because dad got paid loads of money to ensure that the weather during the Olympics was good, but he also got paid loads of money to ensure it was rotten too. So he has worked hard to achieve both; and done a rather good job of it too if you ask me.  However today was too hot here by far, I have tried to cut some more of the grass but it is not easy when it is this hot. It grows rather fast when it is both hot and wet so will need cutting again soon. I also got to fix a sewing machine that someone had taken apart to see how it came apart, it is a tempting thing to do take things apart, and I do it all the time. There is a real sense of satisfaction putting it back together and finding you have managed to save three parts and a few screws and it still works, mostly.            

I feel I am now 95.45% back to normal which is not bad, after my bug and seeing the accountant yesterday, cutting grass  and dealing with a very hot day today, if I keep getting better I will be on course for my own Olympic gold in the next Olympic games in Brazil? (I think it is Brazil, OK yes Rio). I thought I would train for the Cracking Brazil nuts with your Teeth Competition; I know the dog can beat me dead easy but he is a dog and therefore banned from competing. The dog says its discrimination but I said it would be the same as a seagull doing the long jump, or jelly fish in the synchronized diving competition.

As part of my training for my sporting career as a famous Olympian I was lying in the bath holding my breath underwater. This gave me the opportunity to take a picture of the Ghost Writer taking a picture of me, using my underwater camera. Just after I took this picture however the dog said he would help and held my head under the water for ages, he said it would strengthen my lungs.

It appears the Brits won some more medals today too and it appears a man who can run very fast, ran very fast but not as fast has he can. And another man who can run further very fast ran very fast as well in fact faster than anyone has run before so WELL COOL.

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POSS (Post Olympic Stress Syndrome) and an Accountant

We all went off to the accountant today to sort out the wondrous world of high finance. As mum and dad are into a bit of this bit of that they make sure they are all sorted by letting the accountant tell them about what the tax mans cut will be for the coming year. Luckily they will not be paying tax this year because dad has blown all the profits on his weather machine. Dad was well pleased but mum hit him over the head with a large ledger. I have to go because I am apparently a capital investment or was it a tax deductable venture portfolio; the dag says the accountant said I was an unfortunate overhead expensive. Anyway that was the morning sorted well and truly. It appears that if I pay the accountants bill out of my pocket money then I can save a fortune in tax too, not sure how that works as I don’t pay tax, but everyone nodded and agreed even the accountant.

 So this afternoon I was left with a decision do I watch some Olympics or do I cut the grass, after a bit of thought I cut the grass in the end; us British have won loads of medals now and it is not the same when we have loads of them, as apposed to  having just one or two. With just one of two we can all rally round and say WOW the plucky Brit won against all odds we have a gold, but we have loads of them now so we are good?

I am also easing myself back to normal life to avoid POSS (Post Olympic Stress Syndrome) and even worse POD (Post Olympic Depression) when the nation returns to normal on Monday next week and everyone scratches their heads as they try to work out what to do with a huge BMX bike track and several posh buildings that cost a small fortune to keep going. Still I think the Paralympic Games start on the 29^th August (the Ghost Writers birthday) so that is WELL COOL  and will keep the punters happy, then after that it is almost Christmas…………. . MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

AH mum just said IDIOT

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Olympic Gold and men in sheds. A truly great legacy of the Olympic Games

It has been a quiet day again here, so I am not saying much… I think my brain is still a bit frazzled from the bug and I was trying to paint behind a radiator with my patent curved brush.  I notice the Olympic British team has now got the most medals it has had in over one hundred years, but I have also noticed that most of them involve things. When I say things I mean something like a bike or a boat or a horse (that includes the fake horse) or a ball or a gun or so on.  So I think in future Britain should only do sport where an object of some sort is involved, I even noticed the other night that a comment was made that the wheels on the Olympic bikes may not have been used since the last Olympics. 

It may therefore that our athletes may not necessarily be the best but our things are. In other words our record numbers of medals are the result of geeky men in sheds at the bottom of their gardens. So with luck men and young children all over the country will be encouraged to tinker with stuff in sheds for hours on end………. A truly great legacy of the Olympic Games, I for one will be spending many hours tinkering with stuff in a shed now hoping for Olympic Gold for my things as they are used by someone to do something.

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The Mars Rover, one small 4X4 for man one giant leap for a chicken

As I said last night I got to go to Brecon with the Ghost Writer who said I need to do something exciting now because he is getting bored, that is not very nice. His day went remarkable well considering it is the fickle Brecon base where the computers get affected by the old stone circles in the hills, and then worse still people using them to do stuff.

We are both well exhausted now and rapidly running out of steam, much like the Olympics. I guess with today sort of returning to normal here I just started to get the feeling that the edge and glory of the great British Olympic jolly has just sort of peaked now and the big dark arms of normality will soon embrace the country again.  Even the main news has returned to politics and war now so that is a sure sign that we have turned a corner.

However Mr Jones the Alien spotter is very happy he says that the Americans dropping a large 4X4 on Mars is bound to get some sort of response from the Martians. No one likes having someone else’s 4X4 dropped in their back garden by surprise, well not unless it has a big bow on it and you are given a card saying Happy Birthday and a set of keys. I don’t think that is what is planned because one thing we do not know about life on Mars is when its birthday is (OK Mr Jones says he does). I did see a brief bit of film of the 4X4 being dropped but I did not see what happened to the thing that dropped it.

So Mr Jones is off to the woods tonight with a birthday card and a cake (a green cake) with 12,934 candles on it and jingling a set of keys. They are not the right keys (not the 4X4 on Mars), they are the keys to his slightly rusty ex Fed-Ex van which he has hand painted in day-glow green with an alien head on the roof. Not a real one, he might tell you it is real but it is made of papier-mâché and plastic milk bottles…….. and green.

Sadly it is a little know fact that Man is not the first to reach Mars someone has been there before us……. MMMMMMMMmmmmmm

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The 100m Olympic Games final and the legend of Chicken Bolti

It has been a wet Sunday, with lots of very heavy showers, not the sort of day you want at the beginning of August so I have been keeping my head down and doing a bit of painting. It is not a good summer for adventure so far, myself and the dog have hardly been out anywhere.

The painting it slowly progressing, the dog says I should keep in position just behind the leading pack keeping an even stoke and not splashing paint everywhere and avoid runs. He has been giving me tactical advice all day and I am now close to the final turn although due to bad light we have stopped. It is very annoying as instead of huge flood lights we are dependent at present on one of those stupid energy saving light bulbs. I can see how they save energy they don’t actually produce any light. It appears that whether or not I make it to the final will depend on how well I negotiate the edges, if I go wonky it will all be over, but that will now be in the next heat.

The Chicken ran tonight in the 100m final of the Olympic Games, as you might guess this was not official he ran down the side of the track, after all he is only small and in general was not noticed by most of the runners although he did put one of them off who was not happy with him (sorry Her). But the chicken has seen it all before and is not known as Chicken Bolti for nothing ……………… HAH HAHHAHHAh hah ah hahhah haha hah haha hah hhah hahahha hahha. 

Anyway the British Olympic plan is still going to plan, surely this can’t last even Andy won the tennis COME ON TIM……..

However I would like to add one very black and negative statement to all this smiling in Britain at present as we glory in the glory of actually winning stuff…………. I can not be the only person thinking this but may be the only one brave enough to say it………..

Will someone stop playing *********** ****** **** Chariots of Fire on loop at every opportunity in every dam venue all day long……. Dear God it may be OK as a piece of music in context but I for one will now burn every copy of this I ever come across now…….. I never wish to hear it ever again….  

Ooooo off to Brecon with the Ghost Writer tomorrow WELL COOL