The first hints of Autumn, Brexit and possible issues with Vampires

It’s August, about two thirds of the way through. What is somewhat worrying is that it is starting to feel like Autumn, surely that is not meant to happen yet it should be the height of summer . . . Pesky Weather.

Now in the last couple of days we have had a young Hedgehog scurrying about eating any bird seed in the early evening that the birds had missed during the day. We also have some posy hedgehog food that I have put out and it seems to like it. In the past this was not possible as Harry the Cat (who died) would eat the lot and tended to look at Hedgehogs with his grumpy face. So they would run off. Sooty the Cat (who has gone mad), is a happy critter has no interest in hedgehogs or the posh hedgehog food, so this little critter is making the most of it. Interestingly Sooty the Cat is putting weight on at present now that he is the Alpha Male Cat. Mainly because he is the only cat, but I don’t think he has worked that out yet.

We are keeping our heads down at present; it is reaching peak holiday time with the August Bank Holiday next weekend so there are Pesky Kids everywhere. I say everywhere that is not entirely true there are no Pesky Kids at our end of our tiny village and those at the other end are kept in caves until school starts again. It’s a quiet tiny village and folk like it like that. It may sound hard but one day those kids will appreciate the skills they are learning in those caves.

Talking of caves the bats are active and although not vampire bats folk like to stay on the safe side so are wandering about with garlic hanging around their necks. I have pointed out that in a No Deal Brexit garlic will no longer be easy to get hold of so some folk are panic buying garlic. They say they would rather face the disapproving glare of the local shop assistant than face an angry Vampire in the dark of night. Particularly as August this year has gone all Autumny and the evenings are getting darker all the time. So Vampires will be wandering the streets at the same time as the local WI society head home after one of their meetings. The thought of a gang of Vampire WI women prowling the streets and woodland at night is a scary prospect indeed.

Well that’s it, it is dark so I am off for a cup of tea. The doors are locked and I have rubbed garlic on the cat flap just in case, because after all a chap can’t be too cautious.

The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter V

V



Well V means its time to repeat (yet again) an old favourite of mine . . . . Yes I know what you are thinking, but I do like this post it always amuses me and I wrote it. . . Well my hands did, I still dont know where my hands got the idea from but that is hands for you.

VICTOR the VOLE.

“VHAT do you VANT” said the VAMPIRE to the VOLE.

“What”? Said VICTOR the VOLE.

“For a start off those are not V words” said VICTOR.

VICTOR the VOLE was very good at words and knew all his VERBS and VOWELS.

  

The VAMPIRE was very displeased because he was being criticized by a little VOLE and he shouted “I VILL bite VOU and VURN VOU into a VOMBIE, VES a VILE VITTLE VOMBIE”.

“A VOMBIE “ said the VOLE “surely you mean a Zombie”.

“VOMBIE VOMBIE VATS VHOT I VED” said the VAMPIRE, who was VERY angry; so angry he bit VICTOR the VOLE on the neck.

“I VARNED VOO” said the VAMPIRE.

And VICTOR the VOLE said “I suppose you VINK that’s VUNNY”.

And they both laughed hysterically as a cow jumped over the VOON.

The VEND 

Poetry for Creatures Hiding in Shadows

The pitter patter of tiny feet

Upon the cold, dark and wet scary street

Might be a Witch or a Zombieeeeee

Or the invisible man; who you never see

Or it might be a Werewolf who will loudly howl

Or something scarier on the prowl

Or a Mummy from an Egyptian tomb

Or the Great Winged Dragon of Ultimate Doom

Or a tiny Goblin with a pointy knife

Or that Count Dracula’s demonic bloodthirsty wife

Or it might be a Cat that is ten feet tall

Or a Banshee with its terrible call

Or Uncle Jim drunk staggering home

Or a homemade monster made with bits of spare flesh and bone

Or a Ghost wearing steel toecap boots

Or a Triffid scurrying on its horrible roots

Or the Sandman carrying a Gladstone bag

Or Rumblestilskin or a Psychotic Hag

Or a mad Goat that has eaten too much toast

Or the Haunted Hog that was once a Roast

But one things for sure as you increase your pace

Its cold clammy hand

Will wrap round your face

And its Vampire’s teeth will bite your neck

If you try to turn just to check

Surely you can’t be the victim of such an evil curse

Although it could be

Something

Even

Worse

HAH HA Hah a ha ha a ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah a ha hah

Of Course

The Creature from the Black Lagoon

Ran away

But might come back

SOON

A short history of Halloween's Origins

Well I admit it this is a repeat of last years post for the same day but the thing is I am busy. . . . . NO really I am not lying, I am very busy . . . . . I mean I have tea to drink and cakes to eat and small things to point at and go OOOOOOooooo what is that then its a small thing, lets poke at it. So this is it; I have even used the same picture, just how lazy is that then. . . . HO HUM . . . And just before I hand over to last year I would like to add that I do have a new idea for an entirely new Halloween story for 2015 that is dead good although it is still in my head, not actually written down yet. Strangely they always seem so much better in my head than they appear written down which is odd. . . (Witch is ODD . . . . .  HA HAHAH hah ah a ha ha haha hah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha).

OK back to last years interesting and useful information  . . . . . . .    

Halloween what’s that all about then, is definitely one of the big questions of the moment and it is time someone answered it properly. If you search cyberspace you will be bombarded with loads of stuff, but it will all be a bit wishy washy (no not as in Pantomime but as in vague).  This is what always happens when paganism meets religion, but not here no, you will get to know exactly what’s going on.

Firstly it is important to take note of the time of year, and the weather, this year in Britain is a classic to explain why this all started up. We had a fairly good summer and the sun sort of held on over September and then October arrived and the weather has crashed big time, it is dull, damp and getting cold.  So way back in the days when we were all tribal and waved sticks and worshipped the sun and the like (the good old days) what did folk do to get themselves through the long hard winters, remember there was no central heating unless you were a Roman. Well they had parties or as we like to call them now Rituals, yes everyone likes a party but in general we need a reason for them stuff like birthdays, passing exams, catching your first crocodile and the like.  Back in the old days folk would associate these events with their local god and Halloween also got linked to celebrating the dead. Things were different then, death was not all gravestones tears and flowers, it was big fires feasting and dressing up.  Remember the old ancestors did not vanish they were and are still about and it was good manners to show some respect an maybe burn a huge effigy of an Elk and wear a big mask and go and visit all the locals, eat, drink, dance, cheer and wave pointy sticks.

However main stream religion got involved and said it was a Christian event in a cunning plan to get rid of all these other gods and effigies. But old customs are difficult to get rid of and before you know it small children were doing trick or treat all over the world. In particular the whole event appealed to the USA having arrived with the Irish and Scottish way back (they were good at this stuff) and the spirits of the dead were turned into monsters, mummies, vampires, huge things with pointy teeth, witches and the like. This allowed the corporate business world in the USA to make a killing (no pun intended) by selling all sorts of gruesome characters made out of China’s very best genuine recycled plastic. As well as packets of dodgy sugary things that are needed to give to the swarms of trick or treat children that turn up at your door sort of saying things like . . . . .GIVE US STUFF OR WE SET FIRE TO THE RABBIT HUTCH. . . 

These days with it all being witches and monsters and the like religion has got all funny about it and say it’s the work of the devil. They really should have just left it alone and let the pagans have a party for their long lost ancestors round a big fire and eating and generally having a good time, much like they do at Christmas. . . . . . . AH.

Anyway there you have it that is the Origin of Halloween . . . . sort of    

House Signs and Vampire Crows

At present our house sign is a battered old bit of wood that has split and rotted over time to the point where no one can read it and so no one can find us. It is rather good that no one can find us because I am a grumpy unsociable chap who shouts at folk turning up and I threaten to set the Penguin on them. They tend to think I'm a bit mad then and run off. Unfortunately I am the only unsociable grumpy chap in the house and I have been asked to design a new house sign that means folk can find us.

My first ideas were rejected before I even got them onto paper and I was told NO ZOMBIES or MONSTERS well that’s not fair that was at least three of four ideas gone in an instant. That happened to me once before a long long time ago, I was asked to paint a huge mural on the wall in the local Youth Centre and I painted a huge scary dragon smashing its way through the end wall. It went down rather well with the teenagers in the youth group. Sadly however the hall was also used by some sort of mother and toddler group and a gang of little old ladies, neither of which approved and the poor old dragon had to be made unscary. Well that was not fair it never quite looked the same and a couple of years later the hall was entirely painted white inside and that was the end of that. Such is the life of an obscure and unknown artist in the wilds of the English Welsh borders, I lived just on the Welsh side at that time as opposed to just on the English side now.

Anyway back to the point this house sign. My first sketch done in hast late last night has not been entirely rejected yet, but I may need to do some more drawing. I was wondering how vampire crows would go down I might try and sneak one onto the next design, maybe no one will notice.

I have to say my suggestion of moving parts and letters that light up in the dark has not gone dawn well either with the chap who sort of offered to make us a new house sign. I think he may have had something slightly easier to make in mind, but then he knows what I'm like when left to do the designing.

Vampire Propaganda, Zombies and Treasure Island

Have you noticed in recent years how certain monsters in the world of fiction have faired better than others, it is a very odd thing indeed, I mean these days it is almost a positive to be a vampire. It is a long time since vampires were generally grumpy middle aged men biting dodgy women in the middle of the night who then spend the rest of their days looking a bit off colour and laying about all day in boxes of mud in the cellars of old castles.  No these days there are even vegetarian vampires who only nibble the odd vole from time to time when they need a bit of get up and go.  And they are no longer grumpy middle aged folk but teenagers and the like, clearly the world of teenage vampires is something that would leave Vincent Van Gogh (sorry Vincent Price) turning in his grave demanding a medium rare stake.

Even the likes of Werewolves seem to have their decent understanding side and avoid howling in libraries now, I mean in the old days they would have chewed the leg off the librarian and left them propped up against a copy of Treasure Island just for a laugh.

However (I like the word However it crops up a lot in this blog) there is one group who has always drawn the short straw so to speak and never come out well in books or films or even video games. And that is Zombies . . . O yes indeed no one wants to be a Zombie, they are always seen as slow and stupid, not nibble gymnastic scientists who just happen to like to eat a fresh bit of Brain direct from its tin. It is all just a bit unfair and something should be done. . . . Zombies are nice, a bit nice . . . .  should be something small child are taught in School so that they do not succumb to the obvious propaganda of the modern manipulative vampire     

OK I could write more but I have been helping in the hospice shop, well I say helping I wander about looking confused and attempting to keep a few shelves topped up as part of my good deed bit. It is important that we all do something how ever small to make the world a better place, because then the world will be better. . . . OK it probably will not be better as there seem to be more folk making it worse than folk making it better.  So there that’s it I am knackered and off to chill for a bit before I crash out.  

Why am I doing the A to Z in April. . . . . The Big Question

Some of you will have noticed that I volunteered to support the A to Z again in April, that rather interesting event that many many bloggers undertake which scrambles the minds of huge numbers of people. This means at some point I will be adding myself to the A to Z list, something I have not done yet because, I like to be well down the list among new faces. This allows me to visit those blogs around me on the list and shrug my shoulders and write stuff like . . . . . WHAT. . WHO . . . I am well confused what’s going on . . . and what letter comes after P. Folk will then respond with helpful tips and say things like. . .No NO you are doing it like you have done it many times before I’m well impressed even if your spelling is rubbish. Then when they discover I have done it loads of times before they get in a strop and refuse to talk to me.

Now this year is a bit of a worry because I am doing stuff in the house like painting, bashing walls down, more painting, moving furniture, even more painting and wondering what to do with all my stuff. . . . . . I have a lot of stuff, a man needs stuff its genetic and I have loads of it. So doing the A to Z on top is probably very fool hardy even for an old hand like myself, but I have a plan and if it comes off I will be OK you see I have chosen a fairly easy subject this year and that is. . . .

The A to Z of Completely Fictitious Unknown Victorian Failed Inventors and Explorers

I will say that I don’t think this is a subject I have done before, but I am now at the point I can’t remember exactly what I have done previously and it did cross my mind to do. . . . . The A to Z of the Best Bits from the A to Z of Rob Z Tobor which would allow me to just repost a mix of stuff I have done before. However I might save that for next year and the year after.

Now if you are thinking Ooooooooo I am going to do the A to Z as well just remember it is harder than it looks if you don’t blog every day. And it does not mean you will suddenly have hundreds of new followers who will lavish praise on you as the new wonder blogger.  Blogging is not an easy route to fame and fortune, I have been stalking that very nice Steven Spielberg for what seems like years now and has he ever said  . . . . Hey rob that is the best film idea I have ever read. . . . No.  Although he has said AAAaaaaauuuuGgggHHH god its you again, set the dogs on him and call the police. . . .Again.  I like to think we are at least talking and I have my foot in the door, although he has sent me the repair bill for the door and it seems a lot. . . . PHEW.

Anyway if you wish to do the A to Z . .  here is the link to the sign up list. But give it serious thought first.

If you are wondering what sort of thing to write about in the A to Z here is a little example from one I have done before . . . . An Old Favourite and better still short

V The Vole and the Vampire

“VHAT do you VANT” said the VAMPIRE to the VOLE.

“What”? Said VICTOR the VOLE.

“For a start off those are not V words” said VICTOR.

Victor the VOLE was very good at words and knew all his VERBS and VOWELS. 

The VAMPIRE was very displeased because he was being criticized by a little VOLE and he shouted “I VILL bite VOU and VURN VOU into a VOMBIE, VES a VILE VITTLE VOMBIE”.

“A VOMBIE “ said the VOLE “surely you mean a Zombie”.

“VOMBIE VOMBIE VATS VHOT I VED” said the VAMPIRE, who was VERY angry; so angry he bit VICTOR the VOLE on the neck.

“I VARNED VOO” said the VAMPIRE.

And VICTOR the VOLE said “I suppose you VINK that’s VUNNY”.

And they both laughed hysterically as a cow jumped over the VOON.

The VEND

So exactly Why an I doing the A to Z in April. . . . . (The Big Question)

Well because I am MAD. . . . HAH AH HA Hah ah ah ahah ha ha ha ha ha hah ahah ha hah ahh ah ah ah ha ha ha hah ah a ha haha hahahha ha ha ha

Volume Five . . . The life of a Professional Blogger

The Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor

Volume Five

(The Untold Story of Unknown Things)

Here we are at the start of volume five of the Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor (that’s me), written exclusively for me by the Ghost Writer who as I have pointed out previously is incredibly cheap. Mainly because he is completely ribbish (sorry rubbish . . . . point made me thinks).

Previously I have told you tales of life as I progressed through my academic years, but things are changing this year, the Headmaster has thrown me out of school for bad publicity and the fact I have not mentioned school in ages.  This means that I have entered the world of work, something I know that we all like to avoid if we can or so the Ghost Writer tells me. As a YOUNG chap, the world is my ouster (sorry oyster) a stupid saying particularly as one of my PC’s  definitions of Oyster is . . . . .  any shellfish similar to an edible oyster, e.g. a pearl oyster . . . . . . . Well that’s silly and a distraction.

So I have looked in some detail at work and have noticed several times on the radio and television, in both news and currant or is it current (silly Ghost Writer) affairs programmes that they sometimes get folk on to talk about this and that and they say they are Professional Bloggers. Well as I am already a fairly active blogger in fact I seem to more active than some of those so called Professional Bloggers so I suspect I will make loads of money.   

However this means that my blog will now have to specialize on something specific, so that when the very nice men at the BBC need a professional expert to tell them things of a professional nature about stuff they will say. . . . . Quick get that Rob Z Tobor bloke we need an expert we need a professional Blogger. . . . .  So I have decided to become an expert on all things unknown because if there is one thing no one has yet cornered the market in it is Unknown things. Luckily it can remain a diary because most of my future is unknown and so all those as yet unknown events will fit nicely into the plot. I only say plot just in case the very nice Steven Spielberg has made the films of volume one to four and is reading the script of volume five. Something that may or may not happen; it is in fact an unknown event. . .HAH HA HAH AHh ah ah ha hahah ah ha ha ha haahah hah ahh ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha which is exactly what this year's diary is all about.  

Ooooo I saw another one of those Vampire Moths today and got a picture of it that I think proves the point. If you are thinking . . . . these Vampire Moths are Unknown to me then you have not read volume four, but luckily volume five will deal with lots of unknown things such as Vampire Moths, Zombies, Space, Aliens and Mr Jones the Alien Hunter.

It all sounds dead exciting . . . . . .

Hang on while on the subject of unknown things. . . . . As a Professional Blogger, just where does all this money come from? 

We have reached the END again . . . . (Volume Four)

We have reached the end of Volume Four of the Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor and all I can say is it has not gone well.  Many of the main characters have vanished and it has sort of metamorphosed into me rambling even more than ever.

Ironically while on the subject of metamorphosed I was attacked only a few minutes ago by a Vampire Moth which was trying to suck the blood out of my hand. Luckily my hand was slightly protected by a sweet sticky coating, the result of eating gooey cake. This gave me time to take the moth outside and put him on a solar light to confuse him, allowing me time to get back in and lock the patio door before he turned up with all his mates. No one wants to be attacked by Vampire Moths.

Anyway as I have said already this is the END of, The Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor (volume four) and so I thought I should go and hunt for the ant that brought about the end of volume one, two and three, again I did not find it so I am now sat on the patio pondering the grand finale . . . .  Ooooooo guess what a small ant has wandered across the patio and it appears to have found a small red button saying DO NOT PRESS. This sounds very very very familiar, ants are curious creatures so I think he is going to try and press the button  . . . . . . ..

OH No he is not going to get away with it this time I will stop him by putting my foot on the button so he can't press it. . . . . AH DAMN I think I may have been a bit enthusiastic doing that . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

A Vampire's Head, an Angle Grinder, A Five Pound Note and a Sheep

Yesterday I mentioned the mysterious arrival of the Stone Vampires head that was not there one minute and then an hour later when we arrived home there it was, sat on the patio. . . . . . . . Well Freaky stuff for sure. However today to add to the strange ambience of strangeness as if by magic what should turn up on the same patio on the little table as if it had been there for weeks, but an angle grinder. Now that really is weird, one day a stone Vampire head the next an angle grinder.

To add to the strangeness of this situation only the other day I mentioned to Mr Charlie I needed an angle grinder to remove the spare wheel on our car which is jammed in place. I will be able to let him know that I don't need it now as one has just turned up out of thin air.

And as final prove that many strange things are happening I found a five pound note in my pocket today, how awesome is that. . . . .

And my attempt at drawing a vampire today turned into a sort of lamb sheep sort of thing. It is these subliminal messages that allow us to work out the great deep routed messages of life and so all I need to do now is work out a message that involves a Vampire's Head, an Angle Grinder, A Five Pound Note and a Sheep . . . . . . . . . Well that should be easy?

AH DAMN  

The Strange Tale of the Vampires Head, the Commonwealth Games and the Elephant in the Room

Yesterday saw the strange arrival of a vampire (OK a bit of a vampire), it is a strange vampires head made of stone and plainly prove that vampires must exist. Lets face it no nobody would spend loads of time making a stone head of a vampire unless they had seen one, it would be silly.

It was made by Mr M our old friend who sadly died last November and it used to sit just outside his back door to remind him that Vampires are sneaky beasts and will turn up in the middle of the night with their huge white beard, big sack and big red coat shouting Ho Ho Ho I just need to bite youR neck a bit . . . . .  No I DON'T like carrots, OK yes a Special Brew will do for now . . . .

Now I said the Strange arrival because as I said Mr M died in November last year and when we arrived home after doing good deeds again (a man can do too many good deeds) there it was sitting on the patio smiling at us. Now it was not there when we left and so it must have untold vampire powers that we have not been told about because Stone heads don’t normally just turn up on the patio smiling. I feel this will go down as a great mystery in years to come once I embellish the tale a bit more and add wailing, screams and creatures rustling in the hedge (that’s the noise not stealing sheep or cows).  

I also visited five local villages or towns yesterday so a vampires head turning up is very significant

Today I did some plastering and a bit of painting. . . . I am good at plastering. . . Well when I say good I tell folk I am good at plastering because it's one of the skills folk always go OOOOOooooo No I DON'T do that. . . only I do. People often come into the house and say O MY GOD I can see why you need to re-plaster look at the state of it . . . . . .  

Anyway that is it for news; I keep on keeping an eye out for aliens at the Commonwealth games but with no luck. I notice there is a huge alien spaceship that appears to have landed right in the middle of the games but it is not being mentioned, I assume it is what we would call the elephant in the room. . . . . That’s stupid because it’s plain to all that it’s a spaceship, I wonder if there is a link with the Stone Vampires Head. . . .That nice Mr Steven Spielberg might fancy making an Alien Vampire Sports Film full of men in kilts eating deep fried Mars bars and throwing Neeps and Tatties at the English  

One small bite for man, one giant leap for the goalkeeper

As many of you will know I have been revealing some of the lesser known facts about the World Cup in my ever popular Blog (I use the term ever popular loosely). Telling the world about the news that the world cup is full of Androids and now Vampires and various other creatures and beasts of a non-human based life structure. But I have come to believe my blog has upset the powers that be somewhere in the voids of cyberspace. I don’t think it will be Quinton and Charles of GCHQ as my blog apparently is the only light relief they get as they trawl through the myriad of websites and blogs involved in social media.

The reason for my suspicion is that if I Google for news of Androids and Vampires through the rather popular Google search engine (I am a great fan myself) playing in the Brazilian World cup my own blog comes in at about page 25 million. Now we all know this could only happen if someone somewhere wants my blog kept quite, suppressed and out the way.

I have even protested outside the local Google Office, a small wooden shed in a field just up the road.  Where a spokesperson said the following

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute     

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute

Suarez is a vampire

Ban the vampire     

 Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep  bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep

On the head. . . . Back of the net

Anyway I am suspicious now that there are more folk about in the greater world as a whole who are androids than I thought. And a useful tip to spot one (so I am told) is that they clutch small touch screen devices where they obtain their instructions from, using discrete thumb and finger movements to communicate with their great leader,

In late news (for me) it appears that Luis Suarez has been banned for four months.  He stated afterwards My solicitors Amstrad Amstrad and Amstrad were rubbish and seemed to favour the Androids. But as a Vampire I am planning to hang about for a while. . . 

Medieval Defence Systems and shouting OOO YUCK DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY IS A ZOMBIE at a Partridge

Today saw the arrival of Chris the Builder who is making the final part of the Zombie defence system. This extra fence will cut off the entire back of the house recreating the old medieval defence system of having a stockade within a stockade, layering the defences. Modern Zombies are rubbish, a result of watching too much television although they seem to have turned out as the underdog among the many monsters as the likes of Vampires are seen as COOL these days. Zombies are not cool no one wants to be a Zombie anymore. Even Harry Potter and his mates would shout OOO Yuck Draco Lucius Malfoy is a Zombie then scurry off and hide in the forest; YES OK he was a Zombie but that is not the point. . . . . . Talking of which I appear to have wandered from mine a bit.

We also have a Bumble Bee nest in the garage at present and I saw a Leech this morning having a bit of a swim and two partridge shouting at Harry the Cat, maybe it was Malfoy impersonating a Partridge shouting at Harry the Cat thinking it was Harry Potter.  

And I did a bit more work on the door and I am sure there was something else I was planning to write about but I have forgotten so it was probably important. ... 

Ooooooo what is an underdog anyway, because if its under the dog it must be smallish as the term never crops up with a huge dog with loads of space under it . . . . . and what’s all this crops up stuff too are we talking about stealing carrots . . . . . the English language is rubbish.

And A Happy Birthday Miss Lily I hope your day has been OK. . . . . . .  

The WE LOVE XP . . . KEEP WINDOWS XP UNDEAD and the famous Professor George Aberchip Flightman.

Today was sunny very sunny and I have been out hunting Zombies, I need to recruit them for the campaign to save Windows XP, a campaign that so far has attracted a huge amount of interest. When I say a huge amount of interest, I am exaggerating a bit, OK a lot; it is in fact a huge lie. It has attracted no interest what so ever.  But I am not down hearted this is what happened to Professor  George Aberchip Flightman, He was never downhearted and fought on for years to ensure that his battle against the powers that be would be heard, and now he is a house hold name. He will for ever be remembered as the man who beat the system and proved that even in the face of the massed forces of government and the grinding wheels of bureaucracy and international corporate finance, being stubborn and determined will win out in the end.  I will become the George Aberchip Flightman of the future and will be able to pass his memorial and give him a nod and a wink in a knowing way.

Anyway the WE LOVE XP . . .  Keep Windows XP Undead campaign needs some street cred and one way of doing this is to get the Undead on side. Who could not sit up and notice as a happy smiling group of Zombies and Vampires shuffle down your High Street with placards  saying things Like . . . .  Save Our XP  . . . or . . . . .  XP has Good Bites . . .  or even . . . .  Give Us Your Brain, it can Help…….. or the classic The Microsoft Brains make good soup . . . . 

However after two years of battles with the undead with pointy sticks and the like I am finding it hard to convince them that I come in peace. I tried to show one of the clever ones why Windows XP has merit but he got lost at the point I plugged my PC into the extension lead in the garden. Zombies are not allowed in the house. He did cheer up and smile a bit when I showed him a cute cat on YouTube, his little face shouting out DINNER, but he sort of lost the plot again when he found he could not grab the cute cat from out of the screen. Annoyingly I now have Zombie teeth marks in my monitor. 

We did in the end make a deal and they (the Zombies) are willing to help on a one to one basis so for every XP operating system the Zombies help to save, I will give them a cute cat to chew on  a bit. . . . . YES YES I know it’s not what I planned, but cute cats are far less useful than Windows XP. In fact  . . . . . cute cats are less useful than Windows XP. . . . . is a rather catchy and useful slogan, I may use that

Right I expect support on this, just remember Professor  George Aberchip Flightman.



Oooooo yes I have the perfect WE LOVE XP Song  . . . . .Although you do need to substitute the words Bela Lugosi's  with Windows XP is

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Mrs Ghost Writer, a Mad Little Old Lady and Vampires

We went off to see Mrs. Ghost Writer again today; it really is amazing how visiting hospitals eats up time.  Anyway I said yesterday that it was hoped she would be heading home today but this was not the case as her temp was a bit on the high side, and because of the previous list of operations she has had the doctors are being cautious, which is good but not when you wish to get home.

On the bright side the mad little old lady next to Mrs Ghost Writer has been moved to another hospital to recover, I think she may have thought that if she groaned and shouted a lot she may get to stay on the ward. And her final shouts of my head is falling off and look my arm has turned into a small horse while attempting to impersonate a seagull thinking it was a sure sign of Bird flu, fell on deaf ears as she was wheeled away.  I was a little taken back by her final words as she vanished round the corner out of sight which were . . . . . . I know where you live and have got your telephone number now . . . . . Mrs Ghost Writer said AH  . . .DAMN, yes I was forced into a difficult position and she tricked me into telling her your number . . . . . . . . AH DAMN indeed. Luckily for reasons only known to her she thinks I’m a truck driver who works in the local old folks home, I was curious about this but declined from asking, as I felt I would probably get confused with the answer.

Now I have said that my life in cyberspace is all rather linked to the Ghost Writer and Mrs Ghost Writer and one of the very curious things about it at present is I am making my own meals. Yes I know that is very very curious indeed, but if does show one thing and this is for every action there is a reaction (yes a common saying), However the point is in life the reaction is not always the one you anticipate and things can easily go in directions you don’t plan, like cooking your own dinner. . . . I really wish more world leaders would take note of this, but they are foolish and never do and with them the consequences can be a right old mess with a Huge M.

Finally after drawing the doctors yesterday, I noticed that some of the nurses might be vampires, well this is only a small observation as a result of today’s drawing but I may wear some garlic tomorrow just in case. It would certainly explain why you can’t get a good steak in a hospital. . . . . .HAH HAH HA HAH HAH AH HAH HAH AH Hah h h hahah ah ha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah

The Hunt for Vampires, Zombies and Ghouls and a rocket made from parts from China

This morning I thought I would hunt Vampires, Zombies and Ghouls as it was rather warm; and in order to be able to sneak up on these terrible beasts I also thought the best thing to do was to disguise myself in such a way that the Vampires, Zombies and Ghouls would be unaware of my presence. In other words I disguised myself as a terrible beast that might eat bits of brain or feet.

Rob the Zombie

As I prowled round the village using cunning guile and stealth I sadly saw nothing, but I was aware that at least one of the Vampires, Zombies and Ghouls must be close by as I could hear people screaming and running off in all directions. I did try to ask a couple of the villagers about the beast but each time I approached them the terrible  Vampire, Zombie or Ghoul or what ever it was scared them off, a rather cunning plan if you ask me to stop me catching it.

Having returned home for lunch and having been told to go and wash I was forced to hunt the beast without the disguise in the afternoon but by then a large group of villagers were out with twelve bores and pointy sticks. They said the beast was horrific the scariest thing they had ever seen with huge eyes and pointy teeth and mad hair, apparently they said it looked just like the mad demented twin brother of me.  I am really annoyed I never got to see it, but when I told mum she said we were all IDIOTS?

Anyway despite the roasting humid evening I thought it best to do a bit more work on the Zombie defence system and even our friendly builder Mr Chris says he will call in next week to ensure that what ever terrible thing was prowling the gardens and woods it will not get to eat me.

A Rocket

AH yes something terrible happened yesterday you see dads rocket which will only ever be the second all British expedition to the moon has been criticised by Mr Addman and Mr Flip who have said that most of the rocket is made from Chinese sourced parts. They have (well that Mr Addman has) demanded that that we write on the side of the rocket Mainly constructed from parts manufactured in china. I did not have enough paint to do this, but in order to appease their concerns I managed to write A BIT CHINA on the side; I was planning on writing Chinese but ran out of space.

The Rocket, the Ghost Writer and the Vampire Ghost Wasps risen from the dead.

It appears that the Ghost Writer was in his big office today, the one that he will be moving out of very shortly; in fact he now has a date to leave this office which is about three weeks from today. He says this is all very well but there is loads of stuff in that office and he has this huge pile of paperwork that he has ignored since 2001 sitting in the middle of his desk, which will also be going (the desk and the paperwork). He thinks he will have to be a Ghost IT Man as he will no longer have an official desk in the new office, but he will get a shelf and draw to put things in, as he says the powers that be do not really understand all the baggage that goes with an IT man even a part time dodgy one.

Oooo yes the Ghost Writer is also grumbling about his car which is sulking with an unspecified electronic fault, you see an old fashioned steam powered car would not do that.

Yesterday I mentioned that I had been having a little bonfire burning some of the old fir tree in the garden, well unbeknown to myself while I was doing this I was being attacked big style by unseen beasts. Now clearly there are not that many unseen beasts that can attack chaps so that later on you realize that the unseen beasts have in fact stung and eaten half your body leaving you in a state of delirium and pain. I can only think of one group of unseen beasts that would be keen to do this as revenge for the destruction of their nests, and that is Vampire Ghost Wasps risen from the dead and out to give me hell for being nasty to them. It was nearly launch time before I was OK . . . . . . . 

Now you may think when I said launch time I meant lunch time but no you see dad is testing his new project in the shed, as he plans to send a small eccentric and unsuspecting child to the moon soon to look for the space gecko, he has not told me who he has in mind yet, but they are either mad or an IDIOT…..

Anyway I am not allowed to either mention or draw the rocket as dad only has planning consent for a rainwater recycling tower not a huge moon rocket, so best I say nothing. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN

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