The First Zombie Ballard of Christmas 2015

Zombies under carpets

Zombies in the hall

Zombies in the corner store

Zombies playing with a Ball

And if you ask a policeman

How to escape and get away

You will find he is a Zombie

And nibble at your brain

Almost all of the day

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Zombies having fun

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Zombies on the run

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Tap dancing on the floor

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Zombies tapping at your door

Zombies disguised as cats

Zombies in a tree

Zombies behind curtains

Zombies chasing me 

And it’s no good hiding in the graveyard

Because Zombies like it there

And the vicar will not protect you

Because he is a Zombie

And will not care

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Zombies having fun

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Zombies on the run

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Tap dancing on the floor

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Zombies tapping at your door

Zombies on the tele

Zombies pointing at your head

Zombies in the Goldfish bowl

Zombies in your bed

Zombies are clever beasts

Using their cunning and the their guile

Pretending they are friendly

With their friendly Zombie Smile 

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Zombies having fun

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Zombies on the run

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Tap dancing on the floor

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Zombies tapping at your door

Uncle Jacks a Zombie

So is Auntie Flo

And so is that chap Santa

With his evil Ho Ho Ho

Listen out for footsteps

In the drifting snow

Because it’s probably Santa’s

Little Zombie Helpers

Which means its time to go?

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Zombies having fun

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Zombies on the run

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Tap dancing on the floor

Zombies Zombies Zombieeeees

Zombies tapping at your door

The Final Part (part 4) of Harry Potter and the Penguin

Link to PART THREE

After a quiet night resting at Hogwarts Higgs, Alice and the White Rabbit walk out into the central courtyard to assess the day, it is snowing heavily and Alice and the White Rabbit look up into the greyness of the day. Young Higgs however is watching Hagrid scurrying about looking in holes and under things, it is then that he realises that there are no penguins to be seen anywhere.

Young Higgs says THEY'RE GONE and as he does so Hagrid runs across and says THEY'RE GONE, as the four of them look round a small figure runs into Hogwarts struggling through the snow. It is Bilbo from Bilbo Laggings Ltd, he is exhausted and says I need to see Harry potter straight away its terrible they are destroying the Shires.

Young Higgs asks who is.

It’s the White Witch, three of the Professors and hundreds of thousands of those Penguins, I thought they were cute but no its terrible I CAN'T speak of it but they are coming this way.

As Harry and Hermione come out to see what is happening and Bilbo jibbers his tale at them Alice, the White rabbit and Young Higgs prepare to head off to meet the White Witch out in the open. We are coming too says Hermione I suspect this situation needs some real wizards.

Well I'M not sTaying here says Hagrid I have several cute penguins to look after and I DON'T want them getting hurt in some wizard battle.

As the group head north they eventually find themselves on a snow covered hill where in the far distance they can see movement, tiny specs at first but then the figure of the White Witch, Professor Seriously White Professor Penguinus Webfoot White and Professor John Lewstore White a hunchbacked assistant called Quasimodo and hundreds of thousands of cute fluffy penguins slowly but surely get closer and closer.

As the White Witch and her army arrive at the small band consisting of Young Higgs, Alice, The White Rabbit, Hagrid, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger she laughs HAH AH HAH HA HAH ah ha hah ah hahha ha ha ha ha hah a hah ah ah h ha hahha ha hah ahaah hah ah ah ah ah haa h hah ah h h hah aah in a mad hysterical way and says I plan to distoy the lot of you but I plan to start with that really annoying White Rabbit. . . . I hate White Rabbits.

As she looks at the group she notices that Alice is wearing exactly the same coat as she is. . . WHAT WHERE DID you get that coat How dare you come to a battle wearing the same coat as me I will destroy you next.

AH sorry about that Miss Alice I DIDN'T expect that said Hagrid the White Witch looking very angry at him Anyway your army is an army of cute fluffy rabbits I DON'T think you will get very far with them they are my pals and cute.

The conversation is interrupted by the sound of a boy singing

We're walking in the air

We're floating in a moonlit sky

The people far below

Are sleeping as we fly

As everyone looks up to see what it is they see Jim the cabin boy holding the hand of a snowman flying through the sky above them

Hagrid looks at the Penguins and says Look they are looking all lustful again they like Jim.  But with that the Penguins suddenly fire terrible death lasers from their eyes destroying the snowman and Jim in an instant . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN I was not expecting that either AH said Hagrid.

As the White Witch Laughs madly again both Harry and Hermione try to cast spells on the White Witch but it proves futile.  She laughs again and the holding her hand out shouting in a very very loud voice

I am INDESTRUCTIBLE you see I have the RING; I Have the Arctic Seal. . . . . .

Well if there is one thing you should never shout out loud in front of a huge group of Penguins it is Arctic Seal and as she does they panic and run about attempting to escape. as they do so the White Rabbit steps forward holding his trusty samurai sword in readiness. The White Witch sends a huge bolt of wizard lightning stuff in a huge arc of lights and fire and smoke which engulfs the White Rabbit as it makes contact with the end of the samurai sword.  The White Witch at first looking very pleased and stark staring mad. But the White Rabbit is not affected and as the huge arc of lightning and wizard stuff flashes and glows between them, then the White Witch starts to char slightly and starts to lift off the ground.

Hermione says I DON'T understand what is happening

Well says Alice the White Rabbit is in fact an Arctic Hare and the power of the ring the so called Arctic seal is the very power that he uses to live. He will just get stronger and he hates the White Witch because all these coats of hers are made from Arctic Hares, the ring knows this also so she is about to die.

As Alice speaks the Witch is spun high into the air screaming and explodes into a million tiny Christmas tree decorations which fall to earth around the group.

Professor Seriously White Professor Penguinus Webfoot White and Professor John Lewstore White run to the woods to hide but a strange roar is heard. What was that says Harry and Alice says I think it was a Jabberwock

As they stand on the hill it stops snowing and in the distance a strange figure wearing a red coat on a sledge pulled by an odd looking beast with antlers and a red nose approaches

HAR HAR HAR  Merry Christmas I be Santa this year HAR HAR HAR says Captain Silver And Lassie be dressed up as Bambi or what ever that reindeer be called.

With the sight of Santa the Penguins know it is time to return to the Antarctic and head off on mass off into the distance to do what penguins do.

Here I do Have one question said Captain Silver Have any of you seen that Scally-wag Jim the Cabin Boy he was making a snowman one minute and then he vanished.

The group all look at one another and shake their heads before they all return to Hogwarts.

The END . . . .or is it . . . .  

PART TWO of Harry Potter and the Curse of the Penguin

Link to Part One 

Young Higgs is battling his way across the arctic tundra towards Hogwarts Academy using Mr Silvers Sledge pulled by the faithful Lassie who is keen but a bit rubbish as a Husky so making progress is slow. Elsewhere in the Kingdom however far to the North past The Black Gate of Mordor in the huge Winter Palace of St Petersburg home of The White Witch a small group were reviewing their great master plan.

Well said the White Witch our plan is working those stupid muggles and wizards have been distracted by those cute fluffy penguins. I never thought they would be so foolish.

YES your Highness They are proving to be rather popular and the adult Muggles are even crying over them the fools HAH HAHH HAH Ahah ha ha ha hah ah ah ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ahah ha hah ah ha hah ah ah said Professor John Lewstore White

Indeed said Professor Seriously White soon it will be winter for ever and no one will be able to do anything about it. Once the power of the Ring; the famous Artic Seal of Winter is in our grasp we will rule everything for ever 

Professor Penguinus Webfoot White adding Even Harry Potter is unaware of our plans, although Miss Granger is in a Strop again but She has been going on about Mary poppins turning up so I think she is going mad.

Nearby a strange kangaroo looking creature and a wild looking mancky dishevelled dog called Muttley sit looking out of a window muttering and chewing a soft fluffy cute looking Penguin.  The White Witch looks across at the beasts and shouts

No Harry Potter has not fallen down the old Mine shaft you stupid Kangaroo, how many times must I tell you.

suscchin Ruthin Huthin nuthin buuther tuther Smuther . nuthin buuther tuther Ruthin Huthin nuthin mutters Muttley or something similar, while the kangaroo shakes his head and looks to heaven in a knowing way.

Meanwhile back at Hogwarts as Young Higgs arrives the academy professors are pulling Harry Potter out of an old abandoned mineshaft which has opened up in one of the playing fields.

As Harry and Miss Granger watch young Higgs arrive Miss Granger asks Where is that woman the one who looks like Mary Poppins and that Big Rabbit with the knife.

AH I think we need a mirror a big one and a thing said Young Higgs

Well we have a big mirror says Harry we have the Mirror of Erised, but it is not good to look at that too long

And what sort of thing do you need says Hermione What about a spoon, full of sugar HAH HAHAH HAH Ahah ha ha ha hah ah ha hah ah ah ha ha ha hahah ah hahha ahah ah har

No I know says Young Higgs I need a fez and a false moustache

Both Harry and Hermione say what?

But after sniggering and a bit of magic they supply both items which Young Higgs puts on.

As Young Higgs stands in front of the mirror looking into it he says You see there they are.

Yes everyone says that Higgs. it’s the mirror, it’s what it does. . . says Hermione IT MAKES. . . . . . . .. 

But before she can finish her sentence leaping out of the mirror performing several summersaults and holding large samurai swords appear Alice and the Large White Rabbit.

HELLO MASTER HIGGS says Alice, the White Rabbit nodding. What’s the adventure this time, and why are you wearing a false Moustache and a fez?

You’re Looking VERY LARA croft says Harry Potter looking at her in a strange fluffy Penguin sort of way as Hermione looks daggers at him 

To Be Continued 

Link to PART THREE

PART ONE of Harry Potter and the Curse of the Penguin

Life for Young Higgs Dumblecox in London after his adventure where he saved the great Harry Potter, now the Headmaster at Hogwarts Academy is fairly peaceful. He often pops in to the strange old bookshop located down a small passage reached by walking through the wall between W H Smiths and M&S finding all sorts of interesting books which he buys with his pocket money at the modest price of five pence a time. It appears inflation in the world of wizards has been very low for hundreds of years meaning young Higgs is rather wealthy once he vanishes into the wizard world. 

Then he starts to notice that in the world of the muggles and the world of wizards both are starting to fill up with cute fluffy Penguins. His dad Professor Brian Dumblecox putting the whole thing down to Quantum Mechanics and says that the Penguins will vanish as fast as they arrived, so young Higgs thinks no more about it other than . . . . I don’t like Penguins. . . . although he has to keep this a secret because both muggles and wizards seem to be getting more and more attached to the beasts as they waddle about eating fish and making a terrible mess of the pavements.  Then one morning as he looks out of his bedroom window he sees a flamingo walking down the road heading towards his house.  There is a loud tapping sound on the front door and young Higgs runs down the stairs and opens the door where a flamingo is standing with a letter addressed to Master Higgs Dumblecox. Well that is dead exciting thinks young Higgs and he quickly opens the envelope

Which says

Dear Master Dumblecox

For reasons none of us can explain here, the great oracle of all things which we turn to in moments of terrible trouble has told us that we need to ask for your assistance. It would be much appreciated therefore if you could come to Hogwarts academy sharpish where we can tell you of our plight. And apparently the Oracle says bring Alice and that large White Rabbit with you.  And we really don’t know why it says they should turn up, but Hermione is fuming so don’t say I didn't warn you OK.

Regards

Harry Potter

Headmaster

As young Higgs wanders into the station of Kings Cross he is left with a dilemma. How does he get into the ladies toilet to pass unnoticed to catch the Hogwarts Express and how does he contact Alice and the White Rabbit. The first of these problems is resolved when a large flock of small fluffy Penguins waddle up and down the platforms distracting the masses who rush to see them with small children hugging the beasts and grown adults spontaneously bursting into tears for no reason.  Allowing young Higgs to enter the ladies toilet and leap through the mirror onto the platform of the Hogwarts Express.

Its you again Master Higgs said the Station Master

Yes I have to get to Hogwarts it’s very important although I don’t know why yet

Oooo you sound just like that Zaphod Beeblebrox he was here once with his heads and all that 42 stuff. But we threw him out for drinking. His Robot is still in the Waiting room

In the waiting room young Higgs sees an android sitting looking very very very depressed

I have a brain the size of a planet you know, I suppose you are looking for Alice and a White Rabbit.

Gosh yes

Do you know I have ordered one million three hundred and forty two cups of coffee so far while I have been sat here and do you know how many I have drunk.

AH NO

None of them . . . and do you know why

AH NO.

I'M an Android I can’t drink.

So why did you order them

They say I can’t stay unless I order a coffee at least once every few hours.

What about Alice and the White Rabbit.

I’m very depressed you know I can tell you don’t care. And your train is about to leave.

But what about Alice

Mirrors what you need is a mirror and a

With that the train slowly starts to move and Young Higgs is forced to leave the robot and run to his seat as fast as possible.

I knew he DIDN'T CARE says the Android as he orders another coffee

Settling into his seat on the Hogwarts Express he was still unsure just how he was going to contact Alice, but as the train pulled into Hogmeade Station he hears the faint voice of what appeared to be the Cheshire Cat buried under a deep snow drift saying.

Nought from the Greeks towards me hath sped well.

So now I find that ancient proverb true,

Foes' gifts are no gifts: profit brings thy none

Beware thee Fluffy Penguins cute.

the Mirror of Erised Of they You need.

Well that’s odd says young Higgs as he steps out of the train and into a very deep snow drift and a bitterly cold wind from the North. As he struggles down the Quayside to Silvers Water Taxi’s he is confronted by Captain Silver shouting at his crew, the Zombie Pirates

Stop playing with those fluffy Penguins, What kind of impression do you think it gives.

But they are well cute Captain.

Cute . . . . cute we are Pirates we don’t do cute.

But look captain they are smiling and looking lustfully at Jim the CABIN BOY.

As the Captain turns and sees Young Higgs he says HAR HAR HAR  Master Higgs we’ll ney be able to take you to Hogwarts the lake is Well frozen, but I can lend thee a pair of Snow boots, A bottle of rum and a sledge pulled by my faithful dog Lassie HA R HA R AHR A a a HAR HAR

RUFF . . . . wag tail.

TO BE CONTINUED 

Link to PART TWO

The Snow Dog again and Abominable People in Transit

During the snow clearing there was absolutely no evidence of yeti’s and I can only assume they have moved on to whiter pastures, they are after all nomadic beasts moving from Holiday Inn to Travel lodge and so on across the frozen north. These days there are few of these cheap and cheery overnight crash pad hotel complexes left where a dishevelled yeti can stop to get a meal and a sleep without people asking awkward questions. Some hotels even have signs up saying no Abominable people allowed during the winter season, using excuses like bad eating habits and demanding fresh yak and wild mountain goat as well as moulting on the sofa’s in the residents lounge.

I have managed to finish the Snow dog he is a little bigger than I planned but this will ensure he will survive till August particularly if the weather is like last year. And I was trying to make a better job of his glowing eyes but due to the wind it all sort went wrong, which is why my other plan of snow lanterns was also a bit of a disaster and I will try this again another day. I can say that because it appears that it is going to be cold until at least next weekend. Maybe I should make a giant snow Easter egg.

OK that is it for today after all it is a cold Sunday and most folk are keeping themselves hidden in a warm spot, and I am sorry about the continued obsession with the weather. I reckon a good tale of strange folk in strange weather is just what that nice Steven Spielberg needs for his next film, DAMN I should have made a huge snow Steven Spielberg and not a snow dog although he/it might get confused with a yeti.  

      

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Snow Dogs and Yeti's

As predicted today started with loads and loads of snow; in same ways we were quite lucky here because there was about 5-6 inches which was not too bad as it turned out because on the news there was talk of snow drifts up to 14 feet deep on the high ground up in the north of England. Anyway I ventured out into it to hunt for the yeti, which is a big critter but is also white making it tricky to find in a white environment. I set some traps which were baited with ice cream, which the dog insisted was the one food a yeti cant resist, I have to say I am very sceptical because yeti’s come from the Himalayas and I really cant believe it is possible for an ice cream van to get up into the snow to sell yeti’s ice cream. But the dog insists they have very good 4X4’s out in that part of the world.

Interestingly a couple of hours later when I checked the yeti traps there was no ice cream left, the dog said yeti’s are very clever which is why they are seldom seen and never caught, but I also noticed chocolate sauce on the dogs nose. The dog insisted that all the ice cream was covered in chocolate sauce as this was a yeti favourite (and the dogs), very suspicious indeed.

Anyway as the day progressed we sort of got bored waiting for the Yeti and made a huge snow dog to deter zombies and other things like man eating snowmen or ice fish. Unfortunately I  sort of ran out of time to finish the snow dog so it is unable to chase zombies but it does have glowing eyes so that should help a bit. And I unfortunately had to dig loads of paths for the cats who are not keen on snow, well not snow that is the same depth as they are high and they are rubbish at using a snow shovel.  Other things night have happened but I cant really remember, although I do recollect chasing a shrew this morning, it is not great weather for a shrew.

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The First Yeti of Spring and the last Dinosaurs of History

Last night the weather got a bit wild for a time, it started to snow, really nasty snow which was very wet and icy and would cling onto you if you ventured out, unfortunately I had to venture out with the cats as they were scared. It was also windy and so the snow was very wild indeed the cats ran about a bit and then headed for home where Sooty the Cat made it in through the patio doors, but Heavy Harry sort of went the wrong side of the door frame and hit the glass at speed. He then panicked and ran off into the wild snow and wind again arriving through the cat flap at the back of the house several minutes later looking like he had just seen a yeti; a wild wind sweep and snow covered yeti………

This morning started a bit calmer here but the weather has decayed as the day has progressed and as I type there is heavy snow and I notice on the news there are power cuts and all sorts of problems due to snow, rain and flooding, and the forecast is that it is going to get worse tomorrow.  Apparently it was 20˚C warmer on the same day last year. (I will check my diary)  . . . . . . Ah apparently I had roast Unicorn for tea, it was all part of a practice run for the alphabet A to Z blogging thing which unless you are also a blogger will be a bit confusing.

One slight advantage in the snow this morning before it all got horrible again was I discovered evidence of the famous Sparro birdyfootisaurs, a small dinosaur that people said had died out over one hundred and fifty million years ago which is said to be one of the missing links between the reptile like dinosaurs and the chicken pie (sorry I meant birds). And it is plainly clear from the photo that this was a creature with a lot of legs because these footprints went on for ages. 

Mum and dad also decided during a small break in the weather (another saying that makes no sense) they would head off to the Castle of the Bishop to do some panic buying and get a loaf of bread and a bottle (I mean one of the plastic non shaped things that wont pour correctly) of milk, but they had to buy the posh organic stuff because all the Bishops minions had already panic bought almost everything there was. Even the cute puppies in the pet shop were selling like hot cakes or should I say hot dogs, apparently fresh hot dogs are very popular when the supermarkets run out of food.

Ooooooo yes I’m sorry about the quality of my diary lately but I need some sun and heat it will now continue to decay in quality in proportion to the weather, so at present both are rubbish.       

   

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The lost Penguins, more trenches and a possible yeti

OK I appear to have done something terrible tonight I have deleted my first draft of my diary entry for the day. I never rewrite my diary entry normally, I usually switch on the PC close my eyes and start typing then look and see what has happened. Only tonight I was not happy so I have started again and I am not writing all that again PHEW and the worse bit is all the correcting, I have said many times I am the worst speller and typist in the world and I mean it, so now you know that everything up to here is a rewrite and everything after here is not (yes yes there are two here’s or maybe three now).

Sorry about all that gore and the penguins what I was planning to say is the school said I have a skill that needs to be nurtured and developed and honed to perfection, so in order to develop this skill to its very best, they sent me outside to dig a trench. Well that’s not fair, but the headmaster says I dig better trenches than children three times my age; I did point out this meant they were not children but teachers. But he just said “exactly” and told me that even teachers can’t dig as good a trench as me. Of course its dads fault sending me out digging trenches everywhere, it is not normal for a young eccentric chap like myself to be out with a pickaxe, fork and a spade in deep muddy holes, it like being back in the eighteenth century again.

OK enough of this because it appears I may be saved from trenches in the next few days by a classic re-enactment of the film The Abominable Snowman just in case that nice Steven Spielberg fancies a bit of snow ice and more monsters and Zombies (sorry I mean yeti’s)  . . . . . . . . . . . Hang on Yeti that’s a Y word that could be useful.

Ooooo yes Miss I visited with Mr S, and then Miss I told her friend that Mr S was not well so she would not have to go out with X an Y and although Mr S was off work not well; was he that not well that Miss I had to stay at home . . . . . . . . this is a clear case of pink eyes and we all know what that means.

  

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Pope Frances, a seagull and the laws of gravity

Snowflakes today but more of that in a minute because I happened to be watching a bit of the news while eating some food, I know, not like the old days, but once things warm up I will eat back in the dinning room as normal. Anyway I noticed that there is a new Pope and although I got it right saying it would be a South American Pope, my money was on the Brazilian chap Pele (I think) I thought Pope Pele sounded OK. As it happens the Pope has now called himself Pope Francis, because his real name is Mario which would have lead to all sorts of problems with computer games. It would be hugely confusing to have a Pope Mario the Pope, and Mario Pope the popular computer game (available at all good online stores shortly), I will say one thing for the new Pope he smiled at least twice when he appeared in front of the masses so that’s a good start, although I did not understand a single word he said so it is just as well the dog speaks Latin. However I am sure the dog was lying when he said that the new Pope said all dogs must get fresh bones everyday to chew or else. 

I mentioned snowflakes didn't I, and I don’t want to linger on the weather but they were floating down gently from the sky during the science lesson and this lead to a discussion about gravity. You see if you drop a feather and a seagull in a vacuum at the same time they will both hit the ground at the same time despite the fact a seagull is many times heavier than a feather. If you do this experiment in air dropping them off the school roof as we did the seagull will fly away and ruin a really good experiment, so we used a goat and sure enough the goat hit the ground before the feather, it is to do with the density of the air and density of the goat.

However the teacher says that the accepted science is that gravity has the same effect on all objects and is a constant, so all objects will hit the ground at the same time regardless of weight where there is no atmosphere is in fact not true. What he says is there is a small but exponential time delay caused by inertia, so say the moon and a feather dropped at the same time would result in the feather hitting the earth before the moon did. As it happens this is an easy experiment to test because if you drop a feather it will definitely hit the Earth before the moon does, I tried the experiment with the moon and a seagull but am still waiting to record the outcome. The dog is interfering with my experiment because he has put sardines on the lawn which as far as I can tell will contaminate my results, I bet that Isaac Newton’s, mum never went and made apple pies with his apple experiment.

AH mum has said IDIOT, you see when you are at the culling (sorry cutting)  edge of science people say you are mad……..

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Snow storms and an alien subterranean complex

It’s the Weather again tonight I’m afraid; just what is going on out there; there we were crossing the playground minding our own business complaining that it was far to cold again to do anything constructive in lessons as we have all started to malfunction and are going quietly mad, when we were attacked by a snow storm that meant we found ourselves lost in the middle of the playground surrounded by a white haze of white.  Esmeralda was all for forging ahead into the unknown and said we would be OK because we could eat the smallest children first. Freddie disagreed but then he is not very tall, but then again he is well defended by a group of ferrets discretely hidden about his person. In the end I was asked to save us as I am head boy and it is expected; I did think this would be a bit of a problem but I noticed I was standing on a manhole cover and so suggested we could get back to civilisation using the subterranean complex which I deduced must have been created by aliens as I have never noticed a manhole cover before.

As we entered the complex of tunnels out of the wind and snow I noticed all sorts of cables some of which appeared to be fibre optic, so we all thought this has to be the work of aliens, and it was dark. Luckily Freddie had a penknife and Esmeralda still had the cleaver from the domestic science lesson in her school bag, so our progress through the maze of tunnels (ok tunnel) was quick and we emerged into the IT department who apparently were having all sorts of problems as the internet had just crashed. This meant our class (all thirty seven of us) were able to make good our escape from a small cupboard at the back of the room.

As head boy I remained at the rear of the group to ensure the aliens did not get us, but as I was leaving the IT department, George asked the IT teacher who was scratching his head, how he managed to fit 37 people in a tiny cupboard. Unfortunately as the teacher looked up calling George an IDIOT he saw me and asked what I was doing so I explained I had suspicions that the school was under attack by aliens who might eat children and that they had now destroyed all external communications after making a tunnel to enter the school, I knew I must be right because the phones did not work either.

I still am not entirely sure why class 17HZ stampeded out into the snow screaming. And I thought just because I am head boy it was a bit unfair to send me out to find them. But luckily I found then near the manhole cover in the middle of the playground so was able to lead them all to safety along the alien tunnel back to the IT department. The IT teacher looked well shocked as we emerged from the small cupboard, so I think he was impressed. . .

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The land where pheasants and Snow Zombies die

We have reached the point where snow is vanishing quite quickly now, I think I can safely say that most people have had enough of the snow, it may look nice but this is Britain and we are not genetically or mechanically or administrablely (?) designed for long term snow. The pheasants who were looking a little more perky this morning as the snow started to vanish off their field got into a bit of a panic when men with guns started shooting at them, the poor old pheasants having first been chased with men with dogs. And although the dogs were young and quite bouncy the men were old and not bouncy, which sort of gave the pheasants a chance to turn back, and at least a few got to escape over the road while one or two hid in our garden (not in the big muddy cold hole).

In previous years myself and the pheasants have done a re-enactment of the classic film The Alamo, where we are not the Mexicans; as in the remake they are the ones with twelve bores and 4X4’s, today we were all caught out by surprise. Pheasants without a leader are not organised, although I will say they are very democratic and tend not to fight each other over food like most other birds.

This brings me to another event in the day our bird watch as part of the RSPB national bird watch this weekend, we are not keen bird watchers they are a strange lot who will spend hours hiding in a shrub with binoculars peering into an oak tree looking for a lesser spotted pied corn crake or the like. But we thought we would do our bit, one hour watching through the patio doors recording what landed, this can be done anytime this weekend so why not have a go if you are in the UK. I would not recommend the dogs cunning plan of covering the bird table in glue and then coming back an hour later and doing a quick tally it will only lead to trouble when next doors cat is found stuck fast to the bird table with an eagle in its mouth.  It appears that my knowledge of birds is a bit limited so all the small birds I recorded as blue tits and anything larger was a golden eagle, I saw twenty seven golden eagles last year which lead to the arrival of 300 twitchers with huge telephoto lens on their cameras desperate to see them. Luckily dads steam powered pterodactyl still worked and we were able to keep them happy and the dog made a few pounds selling bacon butties.

OK back to now, after that I sort of came to a grinding halt because the weather is in a state of transition so my brain is thinking spring, sun, warmth, so I leapt outside to find I am standing is soft sludgy snow and ice with the occasional pheasant with his head stuck in it pretending to be an ostrich, apparently the men with guns don’t shoot ostrich, but only because the dogs cant pick them up and take them back to the men with guns. So I am now hiding inside waiting for spring and the sun…….. Maybe I should have left the pheasants outside they are not house trained.

Oooo and as I type the rain and wind has arrived, I don’t know whose rain we have pinched over the last few months but you can have it back now we don’t mind. . . . . My diary is turning into a weather forecast again sorry.

Ooooo goodbye snow zombie 

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That is a very cool bird 

HA HAHAHH AHhah hah ah ha hah ah hah hah hahah hahhah 

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A new type of snow

A photo of the apple trees this morning

We woke up to more snow this morning which was a bit of a surprise because I'm sure the weather man on the BBC said it was not going to snow here.  They do that sometimes weathermen, I think maybe they are feeling a bit grumpy or don’t like their neighbours and have told them it should be great for cutting the grass or a barbecue or similar such events that are not ideal to undertake in thick snow.  Anyway according to the English teacher at school Eskimo’s have something like a hundred words for snow because every snow fall is different and every snowflake in every snow fall is different. Well today’s snow was certainly different to the snow we have had so far this year. And if today’s snow had fallen a few days ago then the Snow Zombie would certainly have looked a little more neat professional than he does. Dad says that Zombies should not look neat and professional and if they did they would be called politicians……………….… Dad does not like politicians  

OK yes that is just another distraction what I was going to say is that we had snow with holes in it today. I asked the English teacher what the Eskimo’s would call snow with holes in but they did not know, so I asked how the holes were formed but they did not know, so I asked whether snow with holes had fallen before because I have not seen snow with holes in before but they did not know. They said that it is not their fault and that they only deal with the language of snow not the geography and physics of snow but after asking the geography teacher and physics teacher about snow that has holes in they both said they did not know. I don’t wish to sound negative here but I’m sure when I get to school and ask teachers stuff they are not meant to say I don’t know. They never give me any marks in my exam when I answer questions with I don’t know . . . . . . . NOT FAIR

So on my return home I thought who would know something as important as how holey snow is created and the answer came into my head AH yes the dog, so I asked the dog and he said it was all part of the great road stealing conspiracy and that dads weather machine has a hole option and that the teenagers on the youth training scheme pinching roads for the government to sell to China were complaining they could not breath while hidden under all the snow so dad had created a whole new hole snow type of snow which he has now patented and is planning to sell to people who might need snow with holes and make millions. . . . . . . . . Mum however has said that dad is in fact an IDIOT I have been told Eskimo’s have just one word for idiot which I am told is IDIOT. 

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