Little old Ladies, Armageddon and a Supermarket.

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Today’s task was collecting my wife’s new glasses, so after breakfast we set off, out into the rain. Yes the weather was even worse than yesterday. The roads were very quiet as we left our tiny village heading towards the grand supermarket (I say grand in reference to its size not interior) where the optician is housed  . The roads remained quiet until we got to the outskirts of the town (I hate big towns and cities). Then the roads were manic despite the fact the weather was rubbish and the roads a bit iffy with all the spray.  Our plan was to get some food supplies from M & S and have a coffee but M & S was full of folk fighting over coffee so we decided to get our supplies and continue the quest.

I like to think of these trips in terms of Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter in order to survive the journey. So having got our first items we journeyed onwards so that my wife could get some felt and beads to make mysterious beasts. I think the plan is to sacrifice then to the Sun God so the Sun will return . . . . . . (Ah apparently that is not true . . . . and I am an Idiot)

Anyway armed with more things we faced the biggest challenge the Grand Supermarket where we got my wife’s glasses.  It was full of folk too fighting over food and milk and packets of lettuce. I suspect the rumour about Armageddon had spread by then. I can be very convincing at times and while my wife was getting her new glasses tweaked to suit her, I may have casually mentioned Armageddon to a bus party of little old ladies with trolleys heading towards the frozen food section. . . Not sure what they were doing there on mass. Anyway there is nothing quite like a group of panicking little old ladies grabbing everything from the shelves and screaming “we are all doomed” to make folk also panic just in case.

We then headed to the DIY store to buy glue and wood for the workshop and then headed to the Garden Centre for a coffee. It was manic also.  It seemed the coffee shop was full of hysterical little old ladies all claiming some idiot had told them a bunch of lies about the End of the World. I tried to reassure them you just can’t believe everything folk tell you. . . Anyway they thought I was a very nice chap not like that other one in the supermarket. I did say supermarkets bring out the worst in folk and they all nodded and pointed at stuff.

After our coffee, OK a hot Chocolate in my case we headed home where the cats leapt at my head demanding food. . . . . . . . . . . Pesky cats

And that is the day so far

Our youngest daughter is due later . . . Apparently she is trying to calm down a group of hysterical old ladies so might be a bit late and I have a car full of DIY things to unload . . . . . depending on when or if the rain stops.

Pesky Rain

I have just been reading an old diary entry from 9^th May five years ago . . . I remember this. It just goes to show a diary is useful.

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It appears that when someone leaves you a little note to remind you to do a particular task it is not a good idea to amuse yourself by modifying the instruction in case you forget that you modified it when you read it the following day. Let’s face it the very reason the note was left in the first place was because I tend to forget things.

So after waking up and waving my hair about in the shower and staggering about saying WHO AM I, WHAT DAY IS IT, WHERE IS MY BRAIN . . . . AH THE ZOMBIES HAVE NICKED MY BRAIN . . . . Eating some breakfast and then groaning loads in order to prove I am a Zombie. I noticed a note left for me to tell me what my task is today. So having read the task I decide I should do them in the order they have been written down.

Instruction One: - Strim Cows

WHAT? . . . . . . I don’t know what that is about but if I am left a note then I have always found it is best just to do what I am told. There was a time I would get distracted and go off and do other things and so the important jobs would get left. But no longer I am a lean mean efficient fighting machine (sort of). I am not sure if any of you have ever tried to strim a cow with a strimmer it is far from easy, in fact it is extremely hard. First off you need to get the flock (sorry herd) penned into the corner of a field and then fire up the strimmer and then charge at them in a random way to confuse them. If you are lucky you might get to strim the side of the odd cow as it stampedes past you, I will tell you right now cows do not like strimmers one bit. Cows can shift I have always thought of cows as slow happy docile beasts with a happy go lucky attitude to life, oblivious of the fact they will be turned into dinner for the masses at some point. Yes OK they did start making tunnels a long time ago, but that was the past, those cows have long since been char grilled and covered in sauce.

Cows it turns out (to get back to the point) can move rather quickly and it also appears that if annoyed enough say by a young enthusiastic chap with a strimmer can be a little aggressive. Well when I say little I really mean big; cows are big, very big.

So after a short time of chasing cows with a strimmer I found myself pursued by angered cows intent on revenge. This quickly led to a decision to abandon Instruction One and concentrate on Instruction two.

Instruction Two :- Pick Parsley

Well this was a piece of cake and done in a flash. It was only afterwards when I was asked HAVE YOU STRIMMED THE COW PARSLEY AT THE TOP OF THE DRIVE that I remembered I had slightly modified the note left for me . . . . . . . . Strim Cow Parsley . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN

The good news, I now have, but the bad news is I don’t think the cows like me anymore. I have told them I don’t eat cows, but that has only led to rumours and now the farmer does not like me either.

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Can Zombies Ride Bicycles. . . . . . . . (PART 3).

The argument continues to rage about whether a Zombie can ride a bicycle or not, when I say rage I am in fact lying but it sounds good. You see the public are apathetic about things, this stuff is important, imagine you are trying to outrun a Zombie and then you find they are chasing you on a bicycle. It is going to make a difference to your escape plan and may involve more stairs and leaps across difficult open voids.

Anyway I thought I need to prove this with an experiment; experiments are one of the things that separate man from beast. You never see a Lion with a clipboard,  wearing a white coat watching a line of test tubes as they skip across the Serengeti . . . . . OK yes you might but only the clever ones, you lot must stop nit picking. . . .

Now as it happens yesterday was the local village Harvest Lunch where the village get together and we all eat loads of food (jolly good food it is too), I would have mentioned it yesterday but I was dealing with the big question of the moment. But it also attracts all the little old ladies out of the woodwork. This is good because if you are planning to do an experiment with Zombies it is best to use something less dangerous than a Zombie but in terms of how it moves about and does things is very similar to a Zombie; a Zombie substitute. Well what better than little old ladies they have many Zombies attributes in terms of physical presence and ability and are slightly less dangerous inasmuch as they don’t try and eat your brain, they merely hit it with umbrellas (the pointy stick of that generation).

Anyway after bribing them with Sweet Sherry, Rich Tea Biscuits and a signed photo of Mr Ken Dodd I was able to get one or two of them to attempt to ride a bicycle. And it proved once and for all that a Zombie would definitely be able to ride a bike although steering it would be a bit erratic, this did cause some issues on the main road during the experiment when passing motorists had to veer a lot into hedges.  And I did discover that one of the main issues, one worth remembering if you are ever pursued by a Zombie on a bicycle is they can’t stop very well.

One interesting extra thing the experiment showed is that Little Old Ladies can swear like troopers or worse than a trooper I would say.  Luckily most of the words were unknown strange country words that are seldom used and things would have been fine had not the curiosity of the vicar not got the better of him. As it happens we had two vicars for the Harvest Lunch and we have all learnt many new words, words that the vicars will never get to use.  I did tell the vicars that Zombies did not use such terrible language but are more likely the rip their arms off and eat their brains.

Apparently vicars don't like Zombies or little old ladies on bicycles so they left.  But I have proved my case. Zombies Can Ride Bicycles, and having now crushed the NO Voters I can move on to another important Question of our time.

Should you have an important Question of our Time why not consider proposing it . . . I am after all a professional blogger now with a blog . . . . . . . . . .      

Sticks. Parrots, Aliens and Astronauts

I was in a Tough Harry’s Supermarket today getting a few things I needed, none of us like these places but in order to live, we are now doomed to having to enter their vast corridors of stuff that confuses and bewilders folk.  Particularly us chaps, we are not genetically designed to deal with shelves full of stuff, lets face it most chaps are not capable of putting a shelf up so as the old saying goes. . . . . . If man was meant to cope with shelves full of stuff, God would have made man capable of making shelves . . . . . .

But as I wandered up and down I came across a product that I thought was a piece of shear genius, one so brilliant I wish I had thought of it myself, it was a stick . . . . . . . . . . .  OK yes, I can hear the long pause as you think  . . . . . A STICK? . . . . .   Not a useful pointy stick to poke at folk or Zombies, but a bit of branch from a tree, it even says a genuine natural branch made from wood on it.  You see it is sold in the pet section and is aimed at the little old ladies who own Budgerigars; as birdcages general have plain old doweling. So in order to cheer their pet budgerigars or the like up some clever person is selling genuine looking branches of trees made out of the branches of trees, this is genius. There is an old saying that goes . . . . . . Money does not trees . . . . .  Well it shows that in fact it does.

Tough Harry’s Supermarket does have one other thing going for it that would make selling these sticks easier, they have Sam the Parrot who can spot a little old lady one hundred yards away and will shout at her as she passes. . . Ooooo if only I had a really natural looking stick to sit on . . . . .  Everyone round these parts loves Sam the Parrot and little old ladies are suckers for a sob story told by a parrot; anyway these sticks cost three pounds each and are a bargain at half the price (or do I mean twice)…….

Did you know that both Aliens and Astronaughts (sorry astronauts) keep complaining they need more space . . . . . . . . . AH AH H HAHHAH AH HA HAH HA HAH AH HAH AH Hha ha ha hahah ah ahahahahah ha ha aha ha . . . . WHAT? I hear you type again . . . . . .Well I was sat in a car earlier and only had a tiny scrap of paper and a dodgy pen so was rather limited in what I could draw, and a stick seemed a bit boring. . . . .