Thursday, 31 March 2011

Pirate Pete and the Octopus. Science, Strong coffee and gangs of little old ladies.

At school today I was just sitting minding my own business in the geography class when Pirate Pete ran in and started to throw octopus at the teacher. I had told him not to do that last night but he has decided it might be fun. The teachers did try to catch him but of course he has steam powered bionic legs and can run at 50 miles an hour.

 He had Flipper his pet Wood Mouse with him who kept sticking his tongue out at the headmaster and I had to pretend I didn’t know who they were even though every time he ran past he would shout HELLO ROB and Flipper would squeak HELLO ROB…….. EEK. I think the headmaster was a bit suspicious but he had to concentrate on not being attacked by hungry Octopus. One very interesting fact about Octopus is they are very intelligent creatures and after an hour or so all the Octopus ended up in the science block doing experiments with the science teachers and eating salami sandwiches and drinking strong coffee. The science teachers said they preferred teaching Octopus and they asked if the could ban children instead because they said they are rubbish at science and don’t have enough arms to do some of the experiments correctly.

Pirate Pete passed me one more time and shouted SEE YOU TONIGHT ROB and all my class and the headmaster looked at me but I said he must think I’m someone else called ROB who is really friendly with mad pirates and talking animals, but I don’t think they believed me. The headmaster said he was going to come round tonight and talk to my parents but I did say that if I did know Pirate Pete (not that I know what his name is) then he would be at my house tonight with the dog and other scary creatures and even possibly banshee’s as they pop round on Thursday nights to play dominos with mum and might be a bit upset by headmasters looking for pirates. Anyway in the end the headmaster said he might just go home and pretend it was another quiet day at school and sometimes its best not to try and attack the 30ft man eating monster with an egg whisk and a sponge.

Back at home later Pirate Pete said he only came to make the day more interesting because the poor old ghost writer was running about all morning like a loony then had to go off to the hospital and then had to go shopping in the supermarket on pensioner day. Pensioners always appear all quiet and non scary but once you get gangs of little old ladies roaming round the supermarket shopping on pensioner day they can be awesome even the dog will run. Silly ghost writer he must be desperate if he was in there with that lot.

Wednesday, 30 March 2011

The Ghost writer his grey office and Johnny Depp or Lassie

I should have a bit more time tonight it was all a bit of a rush yesterday, my only concern is the ghost writer has been in that grey office again today and you know what it does to their brain so it’s the ghost writer of the living dead again. I am surprised that there are not more living dead wondering about our planet because there are a lot of very grey offices.

I have told the ghost writer he should give up going into grey offices and write a block buster novel; which that very nice Steven Spielberg can turn into a movie like I am, but he says he has thought about that but he now has to spend all his spare time working on mine. He is now complaining he cant remember who is who anymore, well that’s easy I am me and he is him I did say IDIOT but he said it is not a good idea to call ghost writers idiots because it can come back to haunt you, sort of WOOOOOO.

The comments last night have gone to the dogs head now. He said he thinks it’s a good idea to have a fan club and if the book gets published then he wants royalties and he insists that he does all his own stunts in the movie although he thought that Johnny Depp bloke should play his part now poor old Lassie is dead and lassie was a bit of a wimp and rubbish at maths. I have told him that Johnny Depp only has two legs and not four but the dog recons they can add them digitally.

Not sure that much really happened today it was an average day really everything that was meant to happen, happened as it was meant to and things that were not meant to happen did not. This is a bit of a worry really because diaries need to be exciting. Pirate Pete said he could come to school with me tomorrow and chase teachers with his cutlass and throw hungry octapus’s’s’s’s at them but I said it was not a good idea and it might make my diary slightly unrealistic again.

Judith Baker                                   We have a slot for a swimming teacher which might suit Pirate Pete.....and Lassie was a girl. Think dog could be played by Johnny Ball.

Paul Nessman                                   It sounds like you had a deterministic, cause and effect type of day, Robby. My philosophy teacher says that freewill does not exist in that type of a is much more fun to believe in an indeterministic type of existence, which I believe Pirate Pete knows all about.

I think the dog had forgotten about lassie being a girl Mrs Baker Miss, I think he thought it might have had a little trip to the vet. It is very good to see you back Captain Nessman I am going to see if I can get that very nice Steven Spielberg to get Oliver Reed or Jack Nicolson to play your roll in the block buster movie. Unless you have any personal favourite choice in which case I will be happy to put them forward as an option.

Although not every comment makes the final manuscript I am sure you will all be pleased to know that one day everyone will be part of one of the great (I am trying to be modest) diaries of all time; well a bit of time. Many thanks to those who do add quirky little comments in the style of the novel.


Tuesday, 29 March 2011

wood glue paper and a laughing dog

I am very late tonight with my diary entry, I am very sorry everyone I am in the process of making a new bedside table shelf thing. It is very simple or it would be if dad would let me use a ruler. He says it is good to make things by eye and not cheat by measuring using a ruler or things like that, he did say I could have a piece of A4 paper and use that instead.

Anyway I am waiting for some glue so I can remove a clamp so I can fix the next bit, it is in fact the last bit so with luck I will finish it tonight I did work out the piece of paper is also a set square, well Pirate Pete whispered that in my ear. I think dad must of taught him that as dad only uses a ruler if he really has to or mum is watching him, anyway that’s if for tonight so I must go and make things I just wish the dog would stop pointing at it and rolling about on his back laughing.

Monday, 28 March 2011

Road surfing and fishing

A very nice lorry today drove all over town with a great big fuel leak which although not his fault does mean the town now smells of diesel not the nicest smell in the world. Anyway the lorry got as far as our house and stopped and spilt even more diesel on the road. Dad did say he could set fire to it all with the flame thrower but diesel is not great at burning.

By the time I got home from school a man had fixed the lorry and everyone had run off and Mr Jenkins had covered the diesel in sand. Pirate Pete said it was just like being back at the beach because all the sand at the beach is polluted with oil and diesel. We did try and find some seaweed to make if look more authentic but we are quite a long way from the sea. Well I suppose we could go via the lake and the pirate ships but that is for another day. The dog did offer to poo in the sand because it is quite common to find dog poo on the beach but everyone thought YUK NO, but we did get some bits of plastic from the recycling bin and a piece of driftwood that looked just a bit like an armadillo plus one of those plastic ball things in a very bright pink. Mum made a couple of jellies the shape of a jellyfish and we put up a sign saying NO SWIMMING DANGEROUS UNDERCURRENTS not sure if that is the right current or not so I have thrown a few raisins in the sand just in case.  

The dog has got a step ladder out and is sat on the top with a life guard shirt on and a pair of the FBI designer sunglasses and Pirate Pete is surfing on the road. He has had to fix roller skates to the surf board and is complaining there are not enough decent rollers to surf on (not sure if he means waves or roller skates).   I tried to paint some of the crows so they looked like seagulls but they would not stay on the beach (sand) and the rest of the crows are laughing at them now so they are not happy, well crows are seldom happy really so that’s OK. Pirate Pete said we could go fishing for Flatties  later if we were lucky we might catch a hedgehog or two. I am not sure I want to catch flat hedgehogs but Pirate Pete said they are great as you don’t need to remove the guts; YUK

Sunday, 27 March 2011

The wood mouse and the Cencus

Me, Mum and Dad, Pirate Pete and Pythagoras the Dog and even Flipper the Wood Mouse spent the day in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop, we were all a bit jet lagged after having to suddenly move an hour in just a few seconds so we all went to potter about and look for interesting things. Heavy Harry the Cat had curled up in a cosy corner and was snoring when we left home so didn’t come.

When we got there we all went off to look at different things dad was going down to the cellar on the 15th floor to look at strange Victorian machines made of cast iron and puffing steam everywhere, I think it is why dads spends so much time looking at them he says most shops don’t have all the machines working in them although it does make it hot and steamy. Me and the dog went to look at voodoo dolls, there are some very scary ones. Then we went to look at the Department of Imaginary Creatures from Ancient history, there was a Dark Creature of the Undergrowth there so we had to tell Mr Beelzebub that there is one in the wood so it should not be in the Department of Imaginary Creatures, but he said that if it did not exist then he would not be able to have one in the Department of Imaginary Creatures so that was OK. I think me and the dog were a bit confused. Pirate Pete took his pet Flipper the Wood Mouse to look at cheese and mum chatted to Nelson Beelzebub about stuff.

It is National Census day in the UK today and everywhere has to fill in a form to say who is staying there so that the Government know where everyone is today. I did ask what happens if you are somewhere else tomorrow but that doesn’t matter apparently, it sounds silly to me. Anyway mum has filled it in now.

The dog is well upset because he, Captain Flint the Parrot, Flipper the Wood Mouse said they should be on it but the government apparently doesn’t care about them, the dog plans to write to his MP and complain but no one has ever seen him so dad thinks his a mirage like in the desert with water and palm trees. They do the census every ten years and very time the dog apparently writes and complains; the dog said they have now left him off the last twenty five censuses although dad did point out he was in the South American rain forest for the first twenty two. Flipper the Wood Mouse said it was worse for him because it will be ten years before the next one and he is nearly two years old already and will be the equivalent of two hundred and eighty six in human years, and well dead. That made Pirate Pete cry so mum gave him a cup of tea with rum in but still said IDIOT. 

The English teacher quite likes to throw chalk at people who spell words wrong so I have started to collect mine (chalk not words) and am building a half scale model of the Taj Mahal. It is coming along quite well although I have asked if they could stop throwing coloured chalk and stick to white

Saturday, 26 March 2011

Clocks that move in the Night

I hope everyone remembers it is British summer time tomorrow so we all have to move our clocks forward by one hour at some point. I think the official time is two in the morning but I will do it either last thing tonight if I remember or in the morning if I remember. Unfortunately I have to do all the clocks in the house as its one of my jobs.

Mum and dad both say they think the time should just stay put and if I didn’t change them all they would just carry on using the same time. I don’t like moving time either I always feel jet lagged for days after, even the dog is unhappy and insists that he needs extra food to compensate for all the stress involved. The only good bit about loosing an hour is I like to leave all the jobs I don’t like for the hour I loose so I can start them; move all the clocks and finish them, and I will have spent a whole hour doing the jobs I don’t like in just a couple of minutes. Unfortunately I can only do this once a year but it sort of makes up for all the jet lag and mum, dad, the dog and Captain Flint the Parrot and me all being grumpy.

Pirate Pete says he has never moved his clocks because he uses the sun and the stars and if it’s dark its night and if it’s light its day and if it’s dinner time he eats his dinner. I asked him what he does if he has to catch a train but he said what’s a train and I did try and explain it’s a long box with wheels on that is hot and smelly and full of people who are all squeezed in and have to stand for hours. I also said they never arrive on time or are stopped by leaves and things like squirrels. Anyway he said he didn’t like the sound of them and has decided he will avoid them now, I also said they were very expensive to go on so he is a bit confused why people do, so am I now I’m glad I have the Einstein Cube.

I have been helping with the last bit of painting in my bedroom today and it  is all nice and OOO lovely now and not Goth anymore that is not right is it but there are more rooms to go yet luckily I have my posh cylindrical copper shed, workshop, den at the end of the garden which is good.  

Friday, 25 March 2011

Pylons and flying pigs

Not very far away there is a protest movement trying to get huge pylons moved out of the Severn valley to another place along with a hub which is like a sub-station with bristly electrodes and stuff on it and big transformers and it will make fizzzz sounds.

When I say sub-station I don’t mean subs like in submarines because we don’t have enough water for them and they don’t really make stations for submarines because all the people waiting would drown or float away. No it’s a national grid substation, and it has to be made because we are having wind farms with windmills on the hills, we will not see them from here which is a bit sad because I like windmills.  The windmills are then connected to the national grid and when it is windy all the kettles will boil water and we will all have cups of tea and cake and dance about and have parties. But when it is not windy there is no power to do anything so we have lemonade and cakes and dance about and have parties in the dark.

I don’t think anyone minds the windmills but no one likes the huge pylons. I did think they could make them in different shapes so a pylon shaped like the Angel of the North and one like a Pelican and one like a Pirate and one like the dog and maybe the Statue of Liberty and so on and so on. It would look really good and instead of everyone saying YUK they would all come to look at them and go WOW its Frankenstein’s Monster WOW. Then we could sell little models of the pylons to the tourists that would light up in the dark and make FIZZZZZZ sounds; WELL COOL.   Anyway having proposed my solution to both the powers that be in the electricity companies and the protest movement they both said IDIOT. That’s seems a bit unfair, I was only trying to help but at least it is a point of mutual agreement as mum put it and might be the catalyst that leads to a final solution and everyone will be happy. The dog  said OOOO LOOK A FLYING PIG and fell about laughing, NOT FAIR I missed it, I tried to ask it in which direction it went but if fell about laughing again.

Thursday, 24 March 2011

English, Sheep, the Flea and Time

At school today we had English and as I can speak English and write English and almost spell English and sort of type English, I drifted off and was watching sheep out of the window. The next thing I know is I am being asked by the English teacher if I was going to be an animal which one would I be and why. I don’t know how we got to that point, last thing I remember we were talking about verbs and descriptive words or stuff like that.

Anyway I said I had been observing the life style of sheep and as a result I would be a sheep, all the other boys had chosen wolfs and tigers lions or snakes and stuff like that well all except Frank who said he would be a FleE and he would be able to bite the teachers and suck their blood out and really irritate them loads. The English teacher said Frank already did that. I think she meant he was irritating not that he sucked out their blood, I hope not anyway I had enough trouble with Mercedes trying to be a vampire. See I’m getting distracted again, anyway the teacher wanted to know why I wanted to be a sheep but I would have thought that was obvious really but I told her I get to eat all day long and only have one haircut and one bath a year and even get to sleep in my jumper.  Anyway the teacher said she had asked me first because she thought I was not listening, that was a bit strange because I thought the other boys had already answered. So then she asked the other boys and they said they wanted to be wolfs and tigers lions or snakes and stuff like that. Then when she got to Frank I said I bet I can tell you what Franks answer was going to be so she got me to write it on a peace of paper before Frank answered. Frank then said he would be a FleE and he would be able to bite the teachers and suck their blood out and really irritate them loads. The English teacher said Frank already did that. I had written all that on my piece of paper even what the teacher said, so the teacher was well impressed in fact the whole class was well impressed. Then Frank said he only said that because he thought I would never get that right and he really wanted to be a Tiger. I can’t work out if the same bit of time happened twice. It would be good if it happened at supper because I could have my supper twice then COOL.

I think I have the wrong sort of Flee I think it’s Flea I would have asked the English teacher but they would have hit me and then I would have to Flee or is it Flea. Still you all understand me; and my proof reader will correct it all in the manuscript or that nice Steven Spielberg will not make the blockbuster movie of the book. I’m sure he will though or the dog says it will eat him.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

The X ray, The Mouse, The Cat, The Parrot, The Dog, The Pirate and Me

I had to go for a chest X ray today after all the being not well and coughing and spluttering and lying on the floor of the doctor’s waiting room with my arms and legs pointing in the air. The dog told me to do that he said he always gets into the vet faster when he does that, not that he likes the vet but he would rather spend as little time as possible there.

It didn’t have the same effect with me because I ended up having to go for a chest X ray. I was hoping to take it into school this afternoon to show my friends but I didn’t even get to see it, I asked if I could have a copy but they said no. That seems unfair to me its my chest after all and it seems people are going to see inside it who I don’t even know. I have asked mum to get me a list so I know exactly who is peering inside me.

When I got home from school there was a little wood mouse sitting on the outside window sill of the kitchen, he was eating seed and stuff and looking inside. On the inside was Captain Flint the parrot, Heavy Harry the cat and the dog, Heavy Harry the cat was half asleep and was yawning at the mouse which I’m sure is wrong and Captain Flint the parrot was telling the mouse he was going to make it walk the plank if it tried to pinch his Brazil nuts. The wood mouse kept shouting HELLO HELLO at us and the dog was complaining and muttering about predatory instincts and the breakdown of the natural laws of selection and the basic laws of the survival of the fittest. He was saying has no one heard of Charles Darwin, I tried to ask him who Charles Darwin was but he said IDIOT. Heavy Harry yawned again and went back to sleep and Captain Flint was saying it’s alright for the dog as he is huge and has not got any natural predators. Meanwhile the wood mouse was still shouting HELLO HELLO so the dog chased it round the garden a few time to acclimatize it to nature. Mum told him off but the dog said he was being cruel to be kind. I don’t know what happened to the wood mouse he has gone into hiding now but the dog said that is as it should be, well he said that just as Pirate Pete turned up and asked if anyone had seen his pet wood mouse. We are now looking for Pirate Pete’s pet with a salami and a bar of chocolate, well half a salami as the dog has eaten half of it and half a bar of chocolate, I like chocolate.  I really don’t know why Pirate Pete has called it Flipper?   

After a long hunt Pirate Pete and Flipper his pet wood mouse have been reunited. Pirate Pete bought him on the internet, but luckily Pirate Pete can’t spell moose

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Electrical cables the hose and the Knot Fairy

Mum and dad have decided to paint my bedroom so they made me move the bedside table after school. Why is it that electrical cables always get tied into a huge complex knot even when no one has touched them for ages and there is no reason they should be tied up in a huge knot. Dad says exactly the same thing happens to the hose pipe in the garden.

Even the dog said his leads do the same thing on the hook they hang on, the main difference with the dogs leads is that it is the dog who ties them into knots so that we cant use them when he goes for a walk. Anyway the dog is too big and strong for a lead and if he wanted to go somewhere nothing or no one will stop it.  A lead he says makes him look like a wimp.

I spent ages untangling all the electrical cables behind my bedside table although I didn’t swear once (honest) not like dad with the hose pipe each year he swears loads; me and dad think there must be a knot fairy or something like that. Pirate Pete recons there is a knot fairy because he has a knot charm from his days on the old pirate ships, he says a knot charm is very important on a pirate ship because the last thing you want is all the knots to become undone. He did say that they always had the same trouble as dad with the hose pipe though.

Mum and dad are painting rooms in the house to make it less Goth and more Oooo lovely we must buy it, the Italian man from the mafia decided he was not going to buy it, and the man from up north whose car was knobbled by the man from the mafia decided he was not going to buy it. It is strange because we were told Great Great Great Great Great etc Grandad said someone was going to buy our house in January but they didn’t. Someone did say maybe he meant next January but mum hit them with the armadillo toaster and dad was going to spray them with water but he could not untangle the nose in time and then he fell over a pile of dog leads in a big knot on the hall floor.  Not sure I want a pale bedroom even the Nanobot family under the bed say it just wont be the same but they are quite pleased that a huge pile of knotted cables have been removed from there front garden now. They also asked me where all the dust came from but I don’t know that?

Monday, 21 March 2011

Ying and Yang and how to feel nice, sort of ?

IT at school today, well that is very strange bearing in mind my existence in the world of cyberspace although it is in Mid-Wales. So we did DOS, bits, Bytes, Protocols and all sorts of things like that, I have always been told that IT teachers are geeks and I think Mr Gates our IT teacher might well be even if as my friends said he is well rich.

I don’t really like IT and even my ghost writer says he does not like IT and he complains every week when he has to go off into his grey office and stick his head into the back of computers, well it does seem like a stupid thing to do anyway. He says it scrambles his head and he can’t think; that’s explains a lot tonight. I think I will have to set the dog on him or something like that or we will all get trapped by grey office syndrome and that is the last thing we need in the middle of a good book. It’s not like there is nothing to do as there are still pirate ships anchored in the bay and I still have not met a really good alien from a far distant planet or made good use of the Einstein Cube and Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine. So yawning and saying its  been a long day is no excuse.   

Anyway it was another very warm and sunny day here; odd how everything goes wrong in one part of the world and then it is really nice in another it must be like Ying and Yang. I always though they were Chinese puppets like Pinky and Perky but they are not, I don’t think so anyway. Anyway the point is if its really rotten in one place it is probable really nice in another, which is OK as long as you are not in the really rotten place because you would then know that somewhere is really nice and that would make you feel even more rotten. And if you do live in the really nice place you will know that as a result somewhere is really rotten so you will then not feel quite so nice anymore. So the conclusion of all this is it never possible to feel really really nice because there is always something to make you feel worse. But once you know you are actually feeling worse than you actually are then that will help you feel better.

I have explained my theory to mum but she said IDIOT but I think it’s a trick to make me feel worse than I am so that’s a cunning trick to see if I feel better than I think I feel ?????????

My head hurts now so I need to go and lie down

One very sad thing that did happen here today is I ate the last fairy cake and what makes it worse is I now know that somewhere in the world someone has loads of fairy cakes

Sunday, 20 March 2011

This is me!/profile.php?id=100001428084513

I have put a link to my Facebook page, I am sure there must be clever ways to do this but I am not clever

Ah time does pass and I have more knowledge and understanding of the ways of blogs now, I am still not an expert but I manage to get by

Things you need to know about me,

I am the eccentric child of cyberspace, but I am also a grumpy old chap. and part time IT guru (a rubbish one so no questions OK) and I make things out of cardboard from time to time. I formed and run the Monty Cardboard Robot Club which is still rather a small group to say the least. And I have a blogging group called RATs The Radical Abstract Thinkers. . . . . and am always on the lookout for new members but only certain bloggers will ever make it because it is all about the way they think and use their blog.

I am a terrible speller and a just as bad at typing not a good combination, but I do enjoy writing my quirky diary which is written as a sort of book (well in my mind it is) and my plan is too reach one million words, at the time of writing this I am at 400, 000 but have hit a sort of writers blog. As an ordinary chap living in he rural hills of the English Welsh borders keeping my diary amusing is starting to get tough and I need a break, but I am a stubborn beast so we will see.

Ooooo yes I have an album written and performed by myself in about 2000, most of the copies of which are in a room a few feet away. But I have been told its OK a sort of odd blues thing mainly and which I sold on the internet as the worlds most expensive album for £125.oo which is why I still have most of the copies, these days I sell it for £5.oo but don't advertise it anywhere.

So there you go  

Fairy Cakes and 24hr Rolling News

Napoleon Beelzebub came to have tea and fairy cakes this afternoon, he said people will sell their sole for a fairy cake and I should know. When he says I, he means him not me. He is not happy because he made all these plans with the powers that be upstairs about the Middle East and now it’s all going wrong. Someone is going to pay once he gets his hands on them or so he says, I’m glad it’s not me.

He recons things were better in the old days when the goodies wore white hats and the baddies wore black hats; and he would dye himself red and stick on a fancy dress pointy tail and the big man upstairs would do his Santa voice and send a few arc angles to flap about and glow at people (probably not a good move at the moment). But these days the complexity of modern politics means they don’t know what’s going on. He has tried to watch twenty four hour rolling news but it started to do his head in when they showed the same video footage three hundred and sixty two times. In fact he got so irritated he has given a couple of the studio news readers loyalty points, mum said that seemed a bit unfair but he did say he is Beelzebub so being fair is not really what he is known for. He pinched the last fairy cake off my plate then; NOT FAIR, luckily mum says there are more in Pirate Pete’s treasure chest. I think Pirate Pete will let me have a couple as I let him make me walk the plank twice yesterday as he was having a good time, although I don’t think the goldfish were very happy about it.

I asked Mr Beelzebub if I can borrow his pointy tail but he said NO……..NOT FAIR

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Daffodils, Fairy Cakes and walking the plank

Another very sunny warm day and dad and Pirate Pete had another bonfire but Pirate Pete decided he would not walk on the hot embers afterwards because of what happened last time. It is definitely getting very Spring like in the garden now as all the plants are growing and the all the daffodil flowers are starting to open.

I only mention that the daffodil flowers are opening because the dog counts them all and then divides the total time taken from the first one opening to the last one opening by the total number of flower heads. Then he works out the average height of the daffodil plants and using logarithms and the angle of the Sun he can predict things about the weather.  He never tells us what they are, but all through the year he will mumble about anticyclones and point at the odd cloud and say things like AH YES THAT SHOWS I AM RIGHT, I think we will see the leaves falling off the Oak tree in the Autumn again. Mum says the dog is very clever but sometimes he is away with the fairies.

 And talking of fairies it is national fairy cake day today so we have loads of fairy cakes to eat YUM. When I say national fairy cake day I think it is only in our house but that is OK because our house is full of fairy cakes YUM again. Pirate Pete and mum decided to make them once he finished in the garden, it is not really what you would expect a pirate to do but we think it might be a side effect of being on land for a while.  I think it’s great I like fairy cakes loads, Pirate Pete  and mum made some spicy cheese scones too and they are really yummy, although Pirate Pete has said that if his old sea fairing friends were to ever find out he has made fairy cakes they will laugh at him so I must not write about it in my diary or he will make he walk the plank……………..AH.

I was rather hoping mum might save me from walking the plank but she said he did warn me in advance, So I have to walk into the goldfish pond in a few minutes on a plank the dog found, I don’t think the dog should be helping him either NOT FAIR just as well it is a nice day. Even dad said I must make sure I don’t squash any of his prized goldfish, and I can hear Mr Jenkins giggling on the other side of the fence. Luckily once I am dry I am allowed more fairy cakes again YUM.

Friday, 18 March 2011

Red Nose Day and the stampede.

One of the best days of the year very sunny and warm, but it was a bit hot in my fancy dress outfit for school but I was not expecting everyone to run off screaming all day so it was very strange. In the end I was all on my own because the headmaster evacuated the school but I didn’t here him say that because the outfit had a big hood and face mask.

It was a very cool outfit, shiny silver and dad even made me a fake Geiger counter that would make loud clicking sounds when I pointed it at people and I had  breathing equipment so I looked just like a real radiation tester. Me and dad thought it would be a good outfit bearing in mind the news, but mum said IDIOTS and that IT WILL ALL END IN TEARS, she was right about that because lots of the pupils would start crying when I pointed the Geiger counter at them and it started clicking.  I did try and tell them it was for Red Nose Day and I was collecting money but because the mask muffled my voice they thought I was saying if they have a red nose they should cover it in honey;  most of them, well all of them were wearing red noses for Red Nose Day so everyone then covered their noses in honey but we keep bees at school and some of the bees stung the noses of several pupils and teachers so then their noses became swollen and very painful and they ran about flapping their hands. Well that was a mistake because it started a stampede I was not worried about all the swarming bees because I had a radiation suit on so the bees could not sting me. I think it was about then that time the headmaster evacuated the school.

I thought I better hand my maths homework in so I did try; but the maths teacher set fire to it when I pointed my Geiger counter accidently at my homework and it made loud clicking sounds (the Geiger counter not the homework). The maths teacher then ran away again, I’m not sure the dog will approve of having all his hard work set fire too. I went home then but I had to take the suit off because it got very hot, I stuffed it all in my PE bag.

While heading home I was passed by loads of police cars heading towards the school, I did try to tell then there was no one there but they were going to fast to hear me.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Paintings, Rock Stars and Knee's

Mum has painted me some curved pictures to hang on the walls of my super posh copper cylindrical garden shed, so when I got back from school I thought I better hang them up. My posh shed office workshop is ideal because it is made of copper so I think it should be a bit safer to be in if I have to stay in it because of you know what.

It was good to have a few of mums pictures because she sells them for millions of pounds, although dad said I really should not go around typing on my diary that I have paintings worth millions of pounds hanging in my shed at the bottom of the garden. He said it will put his insurance premiums up so I will not mention the painting and the fact they are worth millions again or that they are hanging in the shed……..Ah

To totally change the subject I got a phone call from Ian the Musical Hat Maker tonight he sang HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME to me, its not my birthday it is his birthday so he was singing happy birthday to me if that makes sense, I hope so. I don’t often get phone calls from famous rock stars who then sing happy birthday to themselves but it was COOL. He phoned to tell me that last week when I accidently went on the school field trip to the beach (not a field) and we all stopped outside Auntie Karen’s house for fish and chips and no one was in (not the fish and chips shop but Auntie Karen’s), the reason Auntie Karen and Mr Ian were not in was they were knocking at my front door, and no one was in. We both thought it was very odd that we were at each others houses at the same time and no one was in; that is a very big coincidence. Not only were we at each others houses at the same time but there was no one in at the same time too, very strange. Ian the musical hat maker then told me all about his knee’s, he is the very first rock star to ever do that.

Sorry I am a bit late tonight but I had maths homework to do, well sort of, the dogs done it I think. I’m sure it is not meant to be five pages long and involve integers and stuff.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Jim's wildlife documentary, Captain Flint the parrot, and Red Nose Day

I got a letter from Jim this morning, he is planning to come back to the wood to do a documentary with his American film crew on its wildlife. I sent him letter last week to tell him about the Dark Creature of the Undergrowth and the Banshee’s. He did put in his letter that he is not sure about including them in the documentary because it will turn it into a horror movie.

Well that’s sounds much more fun to me than a wildlife documentary and the banshee’s will be well upset if they don’t get to be in the documentary. The dog says he should be in it as well because he likes to spent time in the woods pretending to be a giant man eating mutant wolf with big scary teeth and red eyes. I tried to point out to the dog he does not have to pretend he is a giant man eating mutant wolf with big scary teeth and red eyes, although I don’t think he has eaten any men; I did ask him but he says he can’t remember.  Maybe that David Atom bloke will come back again with Jim; he was well excited by the woods last time

Anyway Jim wants to film the family of Dodo’s the Porcupines and some of the other unique creatures of the wood (not the scary ones) and hopes to come over in the summer holidays as long as we have not all turned into glow in the dark zombies that go Grrrrr Ug and stuff like that.

Mum and dad were listening to the wireless at teatime (Curry YUM) and we heard they are trying to drop water on the nuclear power station from a helicopter and spray it with fire hoses; not the helicopter but the nuclear power station. Mum who was a nuclear scientist as well as a spy, (well double agent) and produces artwork she sells for millions of pounds, said IDIOTS in fact she said it quite a lot during the news.

Captain Flint the parrot has taken to wearing a safety hat now and is stock piling Brazil nuts in his cage just in case.  On a more cheery note it will be Red Nose Day on Friday so it is traditionally a non uniform day at school so I will have to think of something to wear I might go in fancy dress that would be really cool. I told mum and dad I could wear my glow in the dark red nose, but they said by Friday everyone’s nose could be a glow in the dark red nose. COOL; mum said IDIOT again.

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Never trust a greased pig with a catapult and a vegan pasty

Mum and dad had to go to Shrewsbury today to do things and get stuff like spare batteries for the Geiger counter. They said they stopped for a sandwich in a little café they used to go to lots years ago, although now with different owners. Mum said she had the worst toasted sandwich she has ever had. She did tell them it was the worst toasted sandwich she has ever had but they said that’s how they always make them.

So mum told them it was even worse than the sandwiches that Napoleon Beelzebub feeds to his inmates down in the depths of his cellar and that she would recommend the cook for a job with Mr Beelzebub in the afterlife as he is always on the look out for that sort of talent in his kitchens. The person mum spoke to just said WHAT? And looked confused. Dad was OK, he had a bacon sandwich, he said it reminded him of a little food wagon in a lay-by on the A40 which has long since stopped trading when it was attacked. The attackers were a group of militant pigs in balaclavas who in the early seventies took to attacking road side cafes and vans with vegan pasties and catapults, a vegan pasty catapulted at speed will rip right through the side of a food van.  Dad said the pigs were difficult to catch because they would cover themselves in grease, they were so well know that a saying still well used today became part of the English language. Slipperier than a greased pig. They would often jeer and shout at the police and call them a bunch of pigs but the police would shout at the pigs and call them a bunch of pigs too. Sadly the ring leader unfortunately slipped while covered in too much grease into the garden barbeque of PC Jones who not only got promoted to detective but also had the best barbeque he has ever had. Without their leader the rest of the pigs sold out to capitalism and spent the rest of their days selling truffles in a posh market in London.

Me and the dog quite fancy a bacon butty now but mum said she is going to give us a vegan pasty each for tea, me and the dog said NOT FAIR.

Monday, 14 March 2011

Oooo look a seagull

We keep hearing about all the bad news in Japan and the ever growing concerns about the nuclear reactors so I thought; I know I can ask the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine and it said oooo look a seagull in the oak tree; what? Dad said it is changing the subject and then when I asked dad why dad said DON’T ASK.

When I got to School this morning the headmaster said my hair style made me look like Edward Scissorhands and thought I was doing a film re-enactment but I wasn’t. I said it’s cool to look like Edward Scissorhands but I don’t think he agreed and was going to make me do something with it but I asked him about the problems in Japan and the nuclear power stations but he said DON’T ASK. Luckily he forgot about my hair then and said it is good I am showing interest in global news and events. Apparently lots of people in the country backwaters of the world such as Mid-Wales and other places never know what happens in the world, and they’re convinced the world is flat and Birmingham and Chester are right at the edge. And if you ever go to them you will never come back the same and will talk of mad things like large multi-cultural cities with millions of people in speaking in strange dialects with strange customs. And if you ever fall over the edge it is very likely you will never come back. That all seems very silly to me but it might explain why Mr Evans from round the corner says the inter-city train is the work of the devil, well either that or he has eaten their sandwiches.  

Sunday, 13 March 2011

The strimmer the pirate and the shark

It is a strange world because today has been the warmest and sunniest we have had so far this year. Dad has fixed our strimmer because it was not working as it should. It is rather old and held together with bits of wire and stuff but works OK once it works; if that makes any sense. He has taught Pirate Pete how to use it because Pirate Pete has steam powered bionic legs so he won’t hurt himself.

OK Pirate Pete should not have hurt himself but sticking his hand into the end of it to see if it is still working was not a good idea. He said it’s just like the old days at sea trying to tickle shark, we had to point out you tickle trout not shark but he still recons you can tickle shark. He said when they bite your hand you pull your hand out the water really quick and hit the shark on the head, he said it only hurts if they let go and you end up hitting your hand with a big steel club. Mum and dad said IDIOT but he still says he was the best shark catcher on all the pirate ships in all the world. He said it only went slightly wrong when he was using his legs to try and catch a Great White Shark but everything has a silver lining because he has steam powered bionic legs now.

Talking of silver lining dad is lining the cellar with metal and building in a water supply for some reason, I asked him, but he said but he said DON’T ASK. He has attached a Geiger counter to the roof too, I asked about that too but he said DON’T ASK again.  I tried asking mum and she just said it was to avoid us all glowing in the dark, but I think that sounds really cool; she also said you don’t want to end up growing an extra arm or leg do you but as I was thinking about that mum said IDIOT. I don’t know why I didn’t even answer.

Heavy Harry the cat who you would think would be out in the sun has spent the day on a sofa sleeping got up for ten minutes, demanded food, ate it and went back to bed. The dog is well unimpressed with that and is practicing his silly Crufts trot with Mr Jenkins. There is a huge pile of beer cans by the recycling bin. Talking of Crufts the dog got a huge pie from Mrs Jenkins last night and she is making it another one tonight to celebrate the end of pie week that’s well NOT FAIR.

Saturday, 12 March 2011

Nuclear Disasters,James Bond and pie week

Well after the earthquake and tsunami we appear to have a potential nuclear disaster, well Japan does although such things have the potential to affect everyone. In a good James Bond movie he would save the day and everything would be alright. I told mum and dad that me and my friends could go and do one of our film re-enactments to save everyone; but they both said NO.

I think they are a bit worried I might pick the wrong film like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, but I’m not that silly. I recon When Worlds Collide or The Cold Hour or The Day The Earth Caught Fire would be good choices but mum said IDIOT so I suggested Apocalypse Now but mum said IDIOT again. Dad said that was the movie where he got the idea to keep a flame thrower handy when the supermarket was busy, although mum always tells him off if he sets fire to the tills and frozen peas because she then has to apologise to the manager AGAIN and dad gets banned AGAIN. 

Mum and dad have said once a proper appeal gets going for the Japanese Disaster they will give some money to it to help, they said that these things can happen anywhere and we would all like others to help if it happened to us. They have added that as we are in Mid-Wales it really is very unlikely to happen here, I think we are more likely to just have loads of floods but we live on a hill so that’s lucky.

Me and the dog have also just discovered that this week was National Pie Week and we didn’t know so tomorrow is the last day; well that is not good. A whole week when we should have been eating pies and we haven’t. And just think how many pies I could have eaten this week if I had known, it would have been hundreds, and I will never get that time back to eat them again. Mum and dad are trying to tell me and the dog we have still eaten loads and it would be the same amount of food even if it was pies or curry or as on Tuesday, pancakes. I could have had pancake pies YUMMY and now I can’t NOT FAIR. The dog is feeling even worse than me; he is called Pythagoras because he loves pies and is very good at maths and he normally knows everything. Dad said maybe he is getting old and loosing the plot but the dog has growled at dad now so dad said he will go and find the a box of pork pies to cheer it up. I wish I could growl like the dog NOT FAIR

The paper manuscript of my diary is being read by my proof reader who is very clever at proof reading because she was a professional proof reader once and knows the secrets of proof reading. And by the time she has read it all I will have written even more which she will end up having to proof read. I asked her to check I don’t keep doing the same things over and over because I forget and well that is what sort of happens in life. So far the one thing I have repeated a few times is the fact I am worrying that I am repeating myself, I have had a think about this but I’m confused now. Mr Jenkins has said I should not worry about repeating things because they have been doing this on television for years. I think the dog is going back to Mr Jenkins watching Crufts again tonight, Mrs Jenkins is making the dog a pie; NOT FAIR (again).

Friday, 11 March 2011

The Powers of Nature

Mum is still helping in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop while he is waiting for all the new recruits for his club in the bottom of the cellar. Mum was asking him about all the death and destruction and fighting, but he said it is nothing to do with him. He just deals with certain members of society who have gained enough points.

Mr Beelzebub was telling mum that neither he nor the powers that be are responsible for the actions of the human race and if they go and fight and kill each other well that is their responsibility. He just ends up with more people in the bottom of the cellar then. I think his cellar must be very large to accommodate everyone plus all that fire and molten rock, volcanoes, hot ash and fast food takeaways. Mr Beelzebub also said the powers that be have no control over nature either so when a huge earthquake happens such as today it is down to the human race to do what they can to help one another. Apparently we can control the powers of nature but only the little ones, once nature decides it is going to do something awesome human beings are of no consequence even if you’re very rich or important. Luckily I’m not rich and important so I am hoping I will be OK, and living in the cyberspace of Mid-Wales helps because it is not famous for its huge cataclysmic natural events and mad dictators, political corruption and violet unrest. Well not yet anyway although dad says show me a place without a bit of low level political corruption and I’ll eat my hat so mum pointed at the moon. Dads trying to eat his hat now; the dog said he would do it but that would be cheating according to mum, the dog if off to Mr Jenkins again tonight to watch Crufts again.    

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Albert Einstein the stick and the dog show

Pythagoras the dog has talked Mr Jenkins into letting him watch what he says is the greatest dog show on earth Crufts because we do not have a television.  It is very nice of Mr Jenkins to do that but the dog did say he would supply the cans of beer and crisps and popcorn so I think that is why Mr Jenkins is letting him go.

I just hope the dog is better behaved than last year when he watched it at Auntie Karen’s house she had to cover the television screen with chicken wire because the dog kept throwing empty beer cans at the tele and shouting RUBBISH. The dog is not impressed with some of the Crufts dogs saying they can’t do maths or physics and don’t speak 76 languages like he does and all they do is go WOOF and wag their tails. He was moaning for weeks after the show last year and said the overall winner would not have a clue who Albert Einstein was even if he threw a stick for it and said “the elliptical arc formed by the curve of the stick is a product of gravity time and space. Now fetch”. On top of that the dog was grumbling about the fact that Albert Einstein was rubbish at throwing sticks anyway.  It would be much better if the dog did not watch it but he recons you don’t get enough dogs on the TV but as both mum and dad tell it we don’t have a TV.

 At least the dog will have a good laugh at the agility section he has never worked out why the dogs weave in and out all those sticks when its faster just to run up one side and it is much quicker to go through a wall rather than over it. He also says it is all well and good for the owners to trot round the display ring like an idiot but dogs should have more dignity.  I do wonder why he does go and watch it each year but dad said its like supporting your favourite team who are really bad; playing some really good team and hoping it will all go right but it doesn’t, like Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Field trips in the sand dunes. Seagulls and Granny

While I was waiting for the bus this morning the geography teacher stopped in the minibus and asked if I was going on the geography field trip to the coast. I didn’t know but thought it best to say yes just in case I was because I didn’t want to miss the bus. We ended up in Aberdovey which was good.

It was rather windy but it was sunny and there were lots of seagulls they kept looking at my sandwiches but you are not allowed to feed them because you will get fined and besides I wanted to eat my lunch myself. There were a couple of wind surfers in the sea and they were going up and down really fast. The geography teacher was telling us about coastal erosion and how sand banks work (not as in sand castles). We were able to see exactly how sand dunes form too; because the wind was blowing the sand everywhere so we were watching a nice little old lady slowly vanish under a newly forming sand dune. The teacher got very excited about it and made a time elapse film of it which he said he could show back at school. David from year 17g was not entirely happy because the little old lady was his granny and he wanted to save her but the teacher said it would ruin his film. We think she was OK in the end because when we were leaving her poodle was trying to dig her out again, David said he would ring her later to make sure she got home. He was still very worried but we did try to cheer him up by saying she was now a film star and we could all do a film re-enactment in the school long jump pit tomorrow.

On the way home we stopped for fish and chips in Llanfair Caereinion right outside Auntie Karen’s house I don’t think she was in because I could not hear any saxophones anywhere, unfortunately we did not have time to stop and knock at the door. Once we got back to school I found out I was not going on the field trip this week and everyone except mum and dad thought I had been abducted by aliens that eat children as there have been a few rumours of 17 foot aliens with 9 feet and 5 arms hiding in the storm drains that like to eat children and adults under five foot eight inches. I have asked mum about that but she said IDIOTS. Not sure if she means the aliens or the people they eat.

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Pancakes Rum and Pirate Pete

Pancake day today so we have lots of pancakes, the dog likes them but recons that each one is a bite, well he says half a bite so that would mean he needs at least one hundred to make even a modest meal. The great thing about pancakes is they are flat and thin, well the ones we have on pancake day are and so you can eat as many as you like and will never put on weight because they are flat and thin.

It is (was) a very sunny day, I don’t think anyone should have to go to school on sunny days at this time of year because I know what will happen by the weekend it will be cold and wet again so if I got today off I could go in on the wet days instead. Even the teachers agree with me but the headmaster says we are not allowed to do that NOT FAIR. 

I have eaten loads of pancakes now and so has the dog, he eats them twice as fast as me so he then eats twice as many but he is on his back now in front of the wood burner snoring a lot so I plan to try and sneak off and eat s few more pancakes before he wakes up. Pirate Pete being a pirate didn’t know about Pancake Day; I don’t think he likes them he said he preferred his old sea rations and his super hard crunchy biscuits where he had to bash the weevils out of them before eating them were much better.  He said he could dunk them in his rum and sing sea shanties while making the wimpy landlubbers walk the plank; it’s not the same if you’re eating pancakes with lemon and sugar. Heavy Harry the cat definitely does not like pancakes because he tried to bury his one but them ended up covered in pancake. He then ran off and hid in a tree because the dog said he has never had cat wrapped in pancake before.

Karen Gomm                 I will certainly remember this Pancake Day as I set the fire Alarm off at school cooking pancakes this afternoon. The whole school had to troop out into the playground to be counted! It wouldn't have been so bad but we did the same thing this morning! It was such a lovely sunny day nobody minded that much. Maybe I did it on purpose to get out into the sunshine, nobody will ever know........ he he!

I think you need to come and cook in my school Auntie Karen it’s been ages since someone burnt it down cooking things. The last time it was firework night and the time before I think it was a chemistry experiment. I think pancakes would make very good fire blankets, so you would be able to put the fire out with the same thing that started it, I thought I could do that with petrol once but the fire just got bigger.

Remember when that nice Steven Spielberg makes the block buster movie we will all find out if it was on purpose and the headmaster might shout or ask for your Autograph or both

Monday, 7 March 2011

Social political economic structure, armadillo's and a good Russian film

Mum came with us on the school bus this morning as she was going into town to run Napoleon Beelzebub’s shop so she was dressed in scary Goth, She told all the pupils to be very very quiet and do their homework or else. The bus driver asked if mum would come on the bus everyday, she had Pirate Pete with her to help in the shop. He was waving his cutlass at the pupils too.

I had told all my friends the other day that Pirate Pete liked to send children up chimney’s so once he waved his cutlass at them he was scary too although not as scary as mum.  They didn’t go home on the bus so we all made loads of noise going home.

We were talking about the break up of the soviet block in school to tell the truth I started to daydream a bit because it got a bit dull after a while, I think that was one of the reasons the soviet block actually broke up. Dad recons that all dull oppressive empires, dictators or governments are always overthrown in the end and the trick is to be happy cheery and ensure that everyone has free access to the circus and lots of good food to choose from; a warm cosy home and lots of trees and armadillo’s.  Dad says the decadent Western societies are every bit as unfair as every other Social political economic structure that has ever existed and Russia, USA, France and China etc are more unfair than ever. He says one day I will lead the great revolution that will lead to equality for all and a trip to the circus once a month and free range happy armadillo’s. Mum says IDIOT not sure if she means dad’s great plan or me leading the great revolution. Maybe I will have to try and listen to the teacher next time we talk about the break up of the soviet block. I do know one thing about it its aeroplanes are rubbish. Or was it there is a lot of rubbish in the aeroplanes, or maybe it was the in flight entertainment, not sure I fancy some of those old Russia propaganda films on a plane.

I am now at just on 76,000 words in my diary and I am now not sure if I am doing things I have done before, according to dad this is what happens to you as you get older and write more than you can remember what you have written.  I am sure dad has told me about the revolution in the past but maybe he has not I will have to wait until the block buster movie of the book to find out. That’s not the Soviet Block buster movie of the book, well I don’t think so anyway. I was rather hoping to go to Hollywood not Siberia

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Napoleon Beelzebub, Norwegian Bruce and fish and chips

Sunday today, sometimes Sunday mornings have this sort of Zen silence and are very chilled; today was one of them. Well it was once Heavy Harry the cat had been fed, the silly thing can not open its own tins. Now how silly is that in the evolutionary process that a creature has evolved to eat food out of a tin and can not open the tin. At least dogs can do these things.

I have been helping Napoleon Beelzebub in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop today as he is busy doing stuff so mum is running the shop. He has to go to the Middle East somewhere and is waiting for some man who has to go all the way to the bottom of his cellar. Apparently the man has a reserved seat and a whole load of other people have to go with him so poor old Mr Beelzebub has all this paperwork to sort out with his counterpart who ever he might be. He was saying he really did not see the point of all the paperwork but the powers that be insist and it’s all in triplicate.  It has to be in triplicate because Napoleons filing cabinets have a habit of bursting into flames as it’s a bit hot in the office.

A man came into the shop who has a huge robot collection and was looking for robots so he has bought a Norwegian Bruce robot but he has been warned that he must look after it or else. We had lots of people come in who had been to the grand opening of the posh new restaurant last night, it appears it was very very busy and there was a queue out door and along the road. Some people took up to an hour to get in although a lot gave up and went home again. We were given a menu today but mum is not very happy because they don’t really like vegetarians so we are going to have afternoon tea one day next week but will go and eat at Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café in the evening HURRAY. At least Big Bill likes dogs and flame throwers and he is still the only place you can have a grilled Aardvark and roast potatoes on Sunday.   He also cooks the best fish and chips in the world, I know cos I eat loads

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Bonfires, steam powered legs and posh new places to eat

It has been a nice day today so we were all out tidying the garden we even had our first bonfire of the year. Because it got down to minus fourteen C at one point in the winter quite a few plants and one or two pots are goners, so me and Pirate Pete sorted them out while dad tried to fix the lawn after the mole spending the winter digging it up.

The dog was stretched out on the patio on his back trying to sun bath which was a bit ambitious because it was not really that sunny, mum said he was just being lazy today but sometimes it is best to let a dog be lazy if it wants to be.  Pirate Pete decided that because he has his bionic steam powered legs that dad made him, made of steel he would be able to walk on hot coals like they do in India and it would be a great party trick. So once the bonfire settled down a bit (dad always likes to add lots of petrol and a few fireworks) we raked the embers into little path for him to walk on. It was really good at first he as able to walk up and down and even stand still and drink his rum with the odd flame between his toes. But of course his legs are steam powered and his legs got quite hot; well very hot and made extra steam and Pirate Pete then found his legs started running round the garden really fast, well very fast. It was well impressive he started off with an eight and a half second one hundred metres which was  a new world record, then he was unable to turn to stay in the garden and he vanished up the road. Unfortunately he overtook a police car it chased him them because he was running faster than the speed limit but he escaped down a narrow ally and finally got back to the garden and was able to stop because by then his legs had cooled down. He did say he was rather tired and said next time he will spend a bit less time on the embers. Mum did also point out that he had burnt off the bottom half of his trousers and they would need to be thrown away now, Pirate Pete said he rather liked his raggerty half burnt knee length trousers. Me and dad said maybe we could have some raggerty half burnt knee length trousers like Pirate Pete but mum said IDIOTS

There is a posh new place to eat opening in town tonight and to launch it the new owners have invited all the movers and shakers of our little town to the grand opening, in fact they have invited everybody to the grand opening. Well that is a lot of people at least two thousand I think, and it looks like they all might go; but it probably only holds a couple of hundred people so we are not going tonight and plan to visit in a few days when the guests stop fighting (that always happens in posh new places to eat with too many people in them). Mum is also going to have to break the news to the dog that they will not let the dog in., not like Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café, the dog has his own reserved table.

Friday, 4 March 2011


First thing this morning the power went FIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. It is amazing just now dependent we are on electricity and when it goes off so does everything else, well  almost everything else because the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine was just fine and was telling us modern technology is rubbish.

Dad agrees with that as I have said before he hates all the modern cheap plastic stuff loads and says if it was all made well in the first place we would not have to keep replacing it all. Anyway we ended up with an electrician having to come out to fix the main fuse box, dad was not happy about that either because he would have done it but he is not allowed because of the latest regulations and health and safety. Pirate Pete said in the old days he would have sent children up the chimney to fix it but I don’t think Pirate Pete has got the hang of electricity yet and I told him I’m not going up any chimneys for anyone, the dog said nor was he but we all pointed out that he was just too big to go up one anyway. Mum was saying in the past they used to clean the chimneys in the country by tying a cord to the legs of a chicken and dropping it down the chimney, that sounds not very nice but I think I prefer it to sending children up them.

 We ended up talking about the history of money today in school and how it all works with international exchange rates etc. Before money people would use the barter system and would say sell their prized cow for some magic beans like Jack and the beanstalk or maybe do a few hours hard toll for a sack of beans and a chicken (so they could clean their chimney). But in the end it all needed to be standardized with the arrival of a global economy so no one would work for beans now unless they were mad and there are not many of them about now; that’s mad people not beans there are loads of them now which is why no one will work for them anymore unless they are mad.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Stuff more Stuff and the 30 millions pounds

Well another day in school learning stuff, I do find it very strange because every time I learn loads of stuff all that happens is I find out there is still loads of stuff to learn. And then to make things even worse one of the teachers will say things like mankind still does not know the answer to this yet. I think knowing stuff causes more problems that not knowing
I had a letter in the post this morning from a man called Prince Brian Jones of Nigeria apparently he has found a huge alien space craft in his country palace. He says it is full of money at least 30 million pounds but because he is a prince he is not allowed to handle money because he must remain princely and above the ways of ordinary humans. But luckily he is allowed to transfer the money into the bank accounts of foreigners in particular decedent Westerners with modest sums of money in their bank accounts such as me.
I didn’t know I was a decedent Westerner but I think it could be fun to be in a Western but I don’t have a bank account. I said to dad that if I opened a bank account then Prince Brian Jones would give me at least five million pounds but dad said IDIOT not sure if that is me or Prince Brian Jones. Dad also said that Prince Brian Jones is famous for rolling rocks about, In Nigerian its called rock and roll. However he did say stories of large sums of alien money in Nigerian are an ancient myth and Prince Brian Jones has probably been experimenting with illegal substances again. I did try asking what sort of illegal substances but dad said don’t ask.  You see dad thinks it better not to know stuff sometimes not like the teachers at school
I would like to welcome a new friend Dan who is a very famous bad poet from a world of Bad Poetry. As is always the way with things Dan has arrived to late to hear all the tales about mummified poets but such is life, well unless you’re a mummified poet.
I’m a bit late tonight the ghost writer had to go to that big grey office again today and he is muttering about things
I took a World Atlas to school for World Book Day, so did a lot of my friends then at lunch time we were able to hit one another with them in a re-enactment of the film The War of the World’s (books) But I got a sore head but books can do that.