House Insurance, Floods and Huge Secret Pipes Underground

When we moved to our humble little house, OK it is not that small once you get in it, in fact it is about two and a half times bigger that it appears on the outside but this is all a distraction from the point of this post. You see when we moved here about four years ago our old house insurance company said . . . . OOOOO that post code is a low risk flood area so we cant INSURE your house, but here is the name of one that will . . . . Well it was a bit of a worry, but the new company insured it OK at almost the same price provided we had a £7000 flood excess. Well I looked and scratched my head trying to work out how the house could flood which seemed rather unlikely, but we got insurance cover and all has been well until the start of this month when the insurance company wrote to us and said. . . . OOOOOOOO look we need to increase your premium a bit because you are now in a high risk flood area . . . . . What I thought . . . .  how did that happen.

Well they wanted to increase the premium by more that twice, which to my mind was madness. I mean I have never worked out exactly how a house where all the fields to one side of it are between 10 and 50 feet lower and head gently downhill for several miles and there is no high ground above us, is actually going to flood.

So I thought OK I will research this and checked the Governments Environmental Agency website flood maps and had a good chat with all the old locals, who remember the old days of biblical flooding and plagues of frogs and the like. And when I did this I discovered that rather that being a low risk flood area we are in fact a no risk flood area.  So I have been complaining to the insurance company about it a bit , but a man said . . . Oooo but the thing is your house sits on the ground and so water might seep into it from below, or there might be a huge water pipe below it that no one knows about. . . .  NO I am not joking he said that.

In fact it appears that insurance companies now fear flooding a great deal, probably due to some of the big floods that have happened in recent years in areas where there is a flood risk. Not in a small village on a hill where there is no flood risk unless most of Britain has vanished under water. So I have removed the flood insurance from our house, because it CAN NOT flood and have saved over £600 by doing it. OK if the washing machine decides to go . . . OOOOO I don’t feel well . . . BLAAaaaaiiiirrr and is sick all over the utility room it appears I am still covered. But I am not covered if the secret huge water pipe hidden under the village that no one knows about decided to burst and all the water seeps up though the floor.   Had my house not been attached to the ground then everything would have been fine. . . . I think not, I like my house attached to the ground to me that seems safer.

One small but very ironic point is the main office of the insurance company according to the Environmental Agency is in one of the highest risk areas in Britain for flooding, next to the River Thames. Although I am told they are not worried about it as they have a huge secret pipe leading the water away, where it will be dumped in a small unsuspecting village in the middle of nowhere.

I also went to IKEA today but that is another story.

Link to Environmental Agency Flood Map       

Amphibian Aliens, Floods, and Olympic Bronze. . . .

Back at the beginning of January I talked of the Toad People of Todimimiun 3 who were planning to invade Britain by manipulating the weather and turning Britain into a chaotic flooded place where they would easily be able to overwhelm the local natives (us British). Folk laughed back then (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA) but as time has passed the country has slowly flooded, well the South has slowly flooded. You see if you were planning to take over the country and you are an alien amphibian based life form flooding the South of Britain is exactly what you would do. It is where all the movers and shakers of the country live in big houses, and if you destroy the rail system here, up North is doomed and of course the folk up North will think . . . . serves those manby pamby folk down South right waving their big houses and new cars at us all the time. But this allows the Toad People of Todimimiun 3 to establish their foot hold on the country and before you can say . . . .Here uncle Fred has been swallowed by a toad . . . . its too late……

In other news Britain won a bronze medal at the Winter Olympics, apparently the first ever on Snow….. I will say I was a little amused that one of the reasons that we are good at this particular sport is because you can do it on dry ski slopes, so you don’t need real snow….. So the reason we won our first medal on snow was because it does not require snow, we don’t have a lot of snow in Britain, but we do have a lot of rain, down South…..

Winter Storms, flooding and Wild Winds in Britain . . . . and a Curry

Britain is being a bit battered at present, not in a I’ll have a Britain and chips please to takeaway, but by wind rain and tide surges (No I don’t know who Tide Surges is either), anyway before I get seriously distracted I thought I would check the BBC news. On the BBC news I noticed something that confused me a bit, it was a headline saying  . . . UK flooding: Flood defences 'will be protected' . . . . .  Now I know I am not always the quickest at picking up an important point in any given situation, but surely the whole point of a flood defence is to defend stuff from floods. If a flood defence needs to be protected then it must be a rubbish flood defence and I also noticed the words front-line services again call me a bit silly but surely the front line or as we like to call it the beach or river bank is a great place for a flood defence it makes no sense putting it behind the shops or on the hill unless it is a rubbish flood defence and needs protecting from the flood.

I do have to say all this rain and wind has been going full blast for some time now and it appears it is all the fault of the USA, I know and us being all sort of chirpy and friends. But the North of the USA is too cold and the South of the USA is differentially to warm causing storms to be created over the Atlantic (the Jet Steams doing) and making us folk in the UK wet.  It’s at times like this I think dad really should not have sold his old Weather Machine to some bloke he called Uncle Sam (I have never heard of him before).

I did manage to do a good deed today though as the chap next door had part of his fence blow down a couple of weeks ago and it has been getting worse. He is a bit like me and stubborn and likes to fix stuff himself. But he is eighty and also somewhat poorly at present so I leapt to the rescue. OK I was not able to fix it but I have put all the lose bits safe and secured what is still standing.  Which is good as the weather predictions for the next few days sound a bit bad, so I hope my work does not blow away  . . . . . . Maybe my temporary wind  defences  need  some sort of protection from the wind I will ask the BBC.

Oooooooo we had an Indian takeaway tonight which was well yum in order to take our mind off the wind. . . . .  I have a feeling that may not be the right thing to write . . . . 

the first day of the Post Apocalyptic World, Pheasants and floods.

Well today is very exciting (well OK its not) as today is the first day of the Post Apocalyptic World, I really should have gone out and explored the brave new world but the truth is the weather in the UK at present is terrible. It seems rather ironic to me that the best day we have had in a long time was yesterday, I suspect the great gods in the sky have been having a bit of a jolly at our expense. However for one small group the End of the World has been today, probably well within the acceptable mathematical margin of error so will count as yesterday, yes the local shoot have been in the fields near us and have zapped loads of pheasants. Being pheasants they work to entirely different calendars than we do, and their doomsday date is based on the one predicted by the ancient Dodo. I have been told that the legend tells of a fearsome creature that will arrive with unspeakable weapons that will make load noises and fell all before them even while in flight, obviously in the case of the Dodo the flight bit does not count. These terrible creatures will then rip apart all the birds and devour them mercilessly, laughing and throwing bits of them away as if they are but bits of uninteresting rubbish. The terrible fearsome monsters apparently look just like human beings and are known to the entire bird population as human beings . . . . . . . . .AH, yes I can see their point. It might explain why the turkey next door was looking a bit depressed, in fact where has he gone? He was about a few days ago  . . . . .AH OK Christmas dinner YUM.

 In other news, there is no other news at present except that Britain is going to be flooded for Christmas and I would strongly advise the use of waterproof wrapping paper and that a wet suit might be a popular present for the man who has everything. Well he had everything until it was last seen attached to a Christmas tree heading down stream with a duck sat on the top of it laughing at people on the banks of the river with fishing nets.

mmmmmm that looks suspicious, maybe we are not entirely safe yet

Floods and a house in harmony with its Environment. . . J K Rowling, Harry Potter and The Casual Vacancy.

Britain is in something of a mixed situation at present because there are many who have had to abandon there homes as great volumes of water cascade down streets and taking interesting little short cuts through houses. It is not nice but luckily for us our classic seventies bungalow was build by a man who knew exactly where to put a bungalow when there has always been an outside risk of zombies (sorry flooding) not too far away. 

So we are lucky and our little house is in harmony with is environment unlike many of the recent speculative building schemes of recent years where houses have been built on flood plains or next to rivers. There is nothing quite like having your own fishing rights in the kitchen. You see mankind is no longer in harmony with nature in the same way as it used to be which brings me back to today and my sort of friend, I say sort of because Esmeralda is like a pet Puff Adder; you don’t get in its tank and play chess with it, or say whose a pretty boy then with it perched on your shoulder. I did warn George it was not a good move and he proved my point very succinctly.

So all the rain meant Esmeralda was going in circles again and so was placed back into the wheelie bin; she was far from happy and was screaming  exterminate exterminate exterminnnnaaaaaaaaaaate much like yesterday.  Trevor has learnt his lesson and did not snigger this time, not after being pummelled half to death by beetroot yesterday afternoon. And the day sort of settled down and was OK, although who ever put L plates on the wheelie bin is in for it once Esmeralda finds out who it was, apparently it was Dave but I promised I would not tell . . . . . . . . . . . AH Sorry Dave.

I was listening to the wireless this morning and that J K Rowling was talking about her new book called ‘The Casual Vacancy’ I assume about a part time B & B, anyway I took note because as we all know J K Rowling is responsible for Harry Potter who I fell out with ages ago because of all that stick waving and shouting Hystoriously Thrumpostious scaring all the banshees and most of the wildlife in the woods. Anyway Harry Potter is not in this book so HAH HAHAHH HAHHAH hahahah hah hah hah hahh ahah ah hahh hah hahha  sorry Harry only kidding . . . . . . . . . . . .HAH HA HA HAH HAH AHHAh hah hahah ahh hahah hhaha ha.

 The book we are told is for adults not children because it is full of naughty words and rude stuff (OK not sure if there is rude stuff). But surely Harry could have told Miss Rowling that most school playgrounds are full of much worse words, I have told the teachers loads of times it is not good to swear but no no they don’t listen, hiding behind the bike sheds so the headmaster cant see them before sneaking back into school to teach English and Maths again all innocent like.

Ooooo Yes, Miss Rowling also said she had not thought of another interest story line for Harry so he probably will not be in any more books, HAH HAHAHH HAH HAHha hah ah hahah ahah hahh ahha ahhhah hah ha  . . . . . . . Poor old Harry

Gosh I have written more than planned, and I missed the exciting bits too but I better go.

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Esmeralda and the wheelie bin in a post Bauhaus intellectual efficient learning structure

Today was wet again, not as wet as it was yesterday well not here anyway although in some parts of the UK there is some serious flooding going on. At school there was one major casualty of the heavy rain however, and that was Esmeralda who is a bit susceptible to water due to all the Steam powered electro-mechanical nano-technology in most of her moving parts. So she was doomed today to going round and round in tiny circles, which I am sure has its uses but not in a school with long corridors based on the old parallel Bauhaus building designs for movement between areas which allows for a  more integrated intellectual efficient learning structure in a post modernist teaching environment. Or so we were told when the headmaster applied for academy status.

So Esmeralda was not entirely in harmony with the clean sweeping lines of the schools deign and teaching ethos. In order to resolve these issues Freddie, myself and Trevor confiscated a wheelie bin and stuck Esmeralda in it allowing us to transport her about the school while she dried out.  Trevor did giggle a lot which is a bad move but shouting exterminate exterminate exterminnnnaaaaaaaaaaate when you are in a wheelie bin bearing in mind you already look a bit like a Darek is bound to amuse someone.  But by late afternoon Esmeralda had dried out enough to leave the wheelie bin, which meant Trevor had to do a runner and was last seen wading though a rather deep flood across the main road while Esmeralda threw beetroot at him, I think it was what came readily to hand in the canteen. The dog has suggested, purplely to hand but is now rolling about in hysterics on the floor . . . . . . . . .Mum says IDIOT

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The dentist and the flood (Ground-Hoffman Day )

Today was going to be our family trip to the Dentist so me mum dad and the Ghost Writer who insists on coming with us on the grounds that the dentist is very scary and sort of reminds him of Dustin Hoffman in the film Marathon man. I really would prefer it if he did not remind us about that, but he does each time; and hides in the back of the car making dentist drill noises shouting IS IT SAFE……..  Anyway today’s trip to the dentist was not like normal trips to the dentist because when we all got up and looked out of the windows the world was wet really wet as wet as it could be for wet. So setting off to see the dentist was not an easy task. The first flood we came too had a panicked driver in the way, but we got round them and through the next flood OK,  then after a couple of miles we arrived  at the next flood which was about 100 metres long with a sort of new river crossing the road but we got through that too. The new arrived in Forden a little village where the water was sort of gushing out of the drains with people poking sticks at it? And we got through that flood, but we than reached a flood that vanished off into the distance round a bend,  so we abandoned the trip to the dentist and started home. The Ghost Writer was WELL HAPPY.

Anyway the trip home meant getting back through all the floods we have been through to get to the point we abandoned the trip. This was OK we did get back although it is annoying to be driving slowly through a long flood to have a ********* **** ****** ****** IDIOT as dad called him driving a huge 4X4 drive from the other direction at speed sending a huge wave over the car. Luckily the car engine and electrics were OK, but next time the dog gets to eat him.

We then meet someone who had driven through one of the floods too fast and had managed to kill all there electrics, by then we realized in really was dog eat dog so we waved and said it will dry out in the summer.

Then as we arrived home we thought too ourselves, we better check the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence, because it has never had this much rain and water in it before so I was sent to look because I was told I was the most expendable one. So as I crept up on the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence expecting a torrent of white foam and rapids I was faced with a vision of a gentile small stream that must have risen in water level by almost one inch. It is called the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence for a very good reason apparently.

After that is was just a case of keeping our heads down and shouting at the Ghost Writer who insisted on being happy because the rain had saved him from the dentist, (for now).

OOOOooooo I have been drumming tonight to the great river god

And I took a picture of the little flood just by our house although it was not as impressive as the others, but I did not have my camera then

Floods, Power cuts and a pineapple

Today has been an interesting day; it appears the gods did bring forth the wrath of rain in abundance. Where we live this was in the form of steady heavy rain, never really terrible but relentless all day long.  It meant that we got to try trout tickling in the geography room and some rather exciting cave diving in the school cellars, while form 9FR challenged the upper 6^th to a boat race up the main corridor.

The  Ghost Writer said he have a fairly uneventful day in the grey of the grey office, until he had to go home then as he was driving he found himself in the chaos of at least one hundred metres of floods not far from Newtown. But he is good with floods and got through them OK. As he says if people just chill and drive nice and gentle and don’t go at it like a bull in a china shop it is easy, but the masses do like to drive through floods at speed and flood their engines with the spray.

Anyway our only headache has been our electricity tonight it kept tripping out. We still are not sure why, and have tried isolating various things to work out what is happening. At present the solar panel system is off but we just can’t be sure what the problem is. Even dad was unable to conduct his lightning conductor experiments today so we can’t blame him. It is now just too dark to try things because if it all trips now it will be well dark and then we will trip. Still it could be much worse as many people in Britain have had their housed flooded and it is only going to get worse as the floods move down stream.

On a lighter and far sunnier subject my good blogging friend Mr ESB who lives over in the USA is growing a pineapple which he hopes to make the first ROB Z TOBOR Embassy. MrESB is very kind and like my other loyal followers from the USA back on FB, Captain Nessman and Miss Elaine, tolerate my strange quirky eccentric British ways. My British followers see this as normal; sadly due to five years of strange weather most folk over here have lost the plot now and gibber a lot, clutching umbrellas. Throwing rocks at the TV weathermen and eating duck sandwiches in revenge…..  

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