The Chickens of Death and the Great Robot Conspiracy of 1927

I may do some robot based posts this year because I got rather a nice book to draw in with a robot on the front of it, and besides I don’t think I have mentioned robots much in my diary so far and of course we all know the great robot conspiracy of 1927 that was hushed up by the authorities. O yes they will never be able to suppress the truth entirely not after what happen in the ice cream van incident with the ice cream. . . . . .YUCK

Anyway I am running very late tonight and have only drawn half a robot so it may be necessary to use an old picture, I mean I am not superman (Knowing wink and a nod . . . nudge nudge).

I was looking forward to a TV programme tonight, but apparently I misread the title and so ended up watching something entirely different . . . . . . I was hoping to see. . .  Leningrad and the Chickens of Death. . .  I was told not only that I am as blind as a bat, which I sort of am without my glasses although I did have them on at the time, but I was also told that I am a complete IDIOT. . .  It’s a shame because Leningrad and the Chickens of Death sounds good and for reasons that make no sense I had it in my mind they must be Zombie Chickens from Space. . . . . I mean that is well COOL like an old 1950’s sci-fi B movie . . . .

WHAT IS IT Professor . . . . . . . IT’S A . . . . .

AAAAAAUuuuuuuuugggggghhHHHHHH 

Poetry for Red Indian Spirit Guides that can not type (A first me thinks)

O yes Chickens

May like to cross the Road

for reasons I have not been told

But they are better at it than Pheasants are

Who tend to get Squashed

By the passing car

As for Ducks

They may go Quack

But Social Skills

They truly Lack

As I have often found out at my own personal cost

OK if you are wondering the reason for tonight's post, it is lack of time. And it only takes the blink of an eye to create such poetry so I have blinked my eye and this is what happened. Why chickens, why pheasants and why ducks I really dont know. In fact I sometimes put all this down to that friendly old Red Indian Guide I have mentioned in the past who is very good, but rubbish at typing. So between him and my hands which are also rubbish at typing and my brain which is sort of rubbish, and getting worse by the day it is a wonder we create anything.  

Anyway as I said time is limited and it is therefore time to depart to my bed and sleep. . . Or as my trusty Red Indian Spirit would say . . . White man speak with forked tongue Kemosabe . . . Actually I think he means . . . All men speak with forked tongue. . . . He is a wise old Red Indian Guide and thats for sure even if he cant type.

Einstein, The Theory of Relativity, Chaos Theory and a Chicken

While listening to the wireless this morning there was a little article on about Einstein who as we all know was a clever chap. I did not hear all of what they were saying because it was before 9.00am and far too early for me to focus on Einstein or even the cat at that time of the morning.  Anyway I sort of heard someone say something about how his theory of relativity resulted in a rational structured model of the Universe.

Well it was that statement that finally woke me up, well when I say woke I grunted and sort of pored tea into myself and waved at a terrible blinding light, which turned out to be a bed side light.  You see saying the Universe is structured and rational fails to take into account something rather important and that is time.  OK yes I know what you are thinking, saying Einstein has not thought about time is like saying the Chicken has never thought about crossing the road.

But the key point is not so much time, but the rate at which time passes or the time, time takes to pass. Think of a car crash if you slow it down so that the few seconds it takes can be watched over a period of several hours then it becomes a predictable event. We can watch things fly about hit one another and predict the outcome.  Well the Universe is basically a car crash in slow motion, our own life span is so short relatively, that we only see a tiny fraction of the event and it all looks rather structured.  If it was speeded up millions of times it would just appear to be a rather chaotic and disorganized fireworks display.

So consider the following options

If I was to say the Earth will be destroyed in ten million years folk would say Gosh well that’s OK and carry on without a worry.

If I then said the Earth will be destroyed in one thousand years folk would say well that’s not long is it, but hey I’ll be OK.

If you tell folk the Earth will be destroyed in one day’s time folk will run about panicking and eating ice cream.

You see it is not the event that is scary but the timing, tell a Mayfly the Earth has only one day left and he will say that’s an entire lifetime, Phew that is lucky for me.  It is a known fact that Andromeda and the Milky Way will collide in about four billion years and that the moon is moving away from earth at about two inches a year and will one day vanish off and cause chaos in our own solar system. Plus the sun is due to become a Red Dwarf and will swallow the earth up. You see the Universe is just Chaos theory in slow motion so when I heard that Einstein’s Theory of Relativity was been used to suggest the Universe was structured I thought Noooooooooooooooo the Universe is chaos. . . . Well mine is most of the time.

Anyway don’t panic the Earth will not be destroyed for at least a few more weeks yet so there is loads of time . . . . AH well a bit of time and as I have already said time is entirely an abstract idea.

Almost Gibberish or Life is a Strange and Twisted Road

Mrs Javelin had always preferred blue and had no time for anyone that disagreed. As she pushed her way to the front of the queue past the Russian cosmonaut, his space suit glinting in the sunlight and a young mother with a pushchair piled high with babies and vast quantities of the required paraphernalia babies require. Mrs Javelin turning back quickly to comment . . . I'M old you know I cant wait all day.

Can I help you madam came the  voice from behind the counter

Mrs Javelin looked deep into the eyes of the Butcher pondering

Are you alright MADAM he said

Yes its your eyes they reminded me I need to get some rat poison for the cellar on the way home she relied

High above in the deep blue sky a young Dutch parachutist was gently falling toward the ground aiming for the white X marked clearly on the ground below him. He would not be going to the butchers shop, he had long felt that as a parachutist he was now at one with nature and the birds and the thought of eating chicken seemed wrong when he spent so much time frequenting their world up in the clouds.

Now in the Post Office Mrs Javelin was demanding three pounds of sausages and a tennis racket and despite several people trying to help and explain that it was the Post Office she was not having any of it and swung her handbag at a large chap wearing hand made alligator shoes. He fell to the floor with a large thud, you see Mrs Javelin was a bell ringer and had rather good upper arm strength and besides she always kept a large house brick in her handbag just in case.  But with the mention of the police she vanished sharpish.

Mrs Javelin had been involved with the police before and had no plans to become ‘The Most Undesirable Member of the Community 2015’ making it four years in a row with her picture on the front page of the Upper Gaswold Gazette.

Taking a shortcut across the park her continuing  shopping trip was suddenly interrupted by a large flock of chickens feeding around a large white cross on the grass.

Bloody Chickens she said

Duck said on old gentleman sat on a park bench

Don’t be stupid you bloody old idiot she said they are bloody Chickens.

At that very moment a young Dutch parachutist landed on her with a great crash sending rat poison everywhere.

Mrs Javelin went mad after that and the chickens all died from eating rat poison and the young Dutchman never really got over the shock of the death of all those chickens. The old man on the park bench died from a heart attack, a result of laughing so much as he watched the whole affair unfold. It also transpired that the old man on the bench was the last man in Britain who made handmade Alligator shoes.

Life is a strange and twisted road.

Written in the style of Mr H . . . . only not quite as good. 

What is Time . . . . A Simple Guide to the Origin of Time

I not sure about you lot but in this part of the world it is getting distinctly darker earlier in the evening meaning that summer is over and Autumn has arrived. As it happened today was a nice sunny day and the fact it is just after seven o’clock in the evening as I write this (I will be eating my evening meal soon so bear that in mind)  and getting darker by the second shows us that the year is rapidly vanishing into winter.

And this made me think about time, yes this really is a Big Question today, although it’s not as complex as you might think.  You see if you think about what mankind has used as its reference of time over history.  Starting with rising of the sun and the summer and winter solstice, which is why many of the old sacred sights such as Stonehenge are large clocks aligned to these events. Of course things have moved on and we now have time based on the caesium atom which is seriously accurate, you will never be late for meeting using a continuous cold caesium fountain atomic clock.

However all these clocks sort of miss the key issue involved in time, they all are based on moving things even if these days it’s tiny really really tiny. So the point is TIME can only exist while things move, even if the things moving are tiny like atoms or electrons.  In other words time does not exist it is merely a way of expressing movement from point A to Point B.  Remember the Big Bang theory says before the Big Bang time did not exist (I’m not making this up) and that is because nothing moved not even atoms. But even the tiniest movement of a single electron (or Chicken) would create (time - movement) and the Universe all in one huge explosion.

Which brings us to chickens they understand time better than you think; what is one of the earliest forms of measuring a fixed time . . . .? The Egg Timer . . .  a device entirely evolved by chickens. And that old saying which folk can't ever answer. . . . Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road. . . . It was a way of travelling a fixed distance to access the accuracy of the egg timer, allowing the calculation of the horizontal movement of the chicken at a fixed speed against the gravitational forces on the egg timer.  It is a little known fact that chickens were the first creatures to attempt time travel. . . . OK YES they were rubbish at it but they tried.  

I may be up for yet another Nobel Prize again. . . . 

The Opening Ceremony of the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics, President Putin and a Small Chicken.

The winter Olympic opening ceremony has been on the go today and it was rather a grand affair for a winter Olympics as in general they tend to be more friendly and low key than the summer ones. But of course because they are in Russia rumour have abounded that President Putin was keen to put on (Putin . . . . . .  Put on . . . . . . . HA HAH HA H HAH hah ha haha ha ha ha hah ha ha) a good show. And I would have to say some of it was very spectacular indeed as it showed the story of Russia through history, a bit like the London Olympics showed Britain. The odd thing with these though is that it sort of ended with the breaking up of the USSR and then came to an abrupt holt in a sort of AH . . . . . . .DAMN . . . . . I know we can have some Seagulls  . . . no hang on Doves, Doves is good or Swans folk like Swans …….. Interestingly it appears that Sochi (the place in Russia, not the Japanese seafood) is one of the warmer parts of Russia and has no snow which might make things a bit tricky.

Anyway as you know the chicken loves these things and only the other day said he planned to fly over and sneak in; and much like in London the Russians also would prefer not to have chickens running about, partly because it is already complicated enough with Seagulls, Doves and Swans all over the place. But the chicken is a resourceful beast and 40,000 armed troops and folk dressed as white rabbits were never going to keep it away from meeting the main man.

I was able to capture the moment on the TV as out of the shadows the chicken moves in closer to see President Putin close up. The President gritting his teeth, but clearly unhappy that the massed security forces failed to get the chicken. Although if you look at the picture closely you will notice that he is cunningly using his third arm (not many folk know he has three arms) to try and grab the chicken and have him (her) dealt with.

Apparently loads and loads of money was spent on the venue and there is talk of legacy much like there was after the London Olympics . . . . . . . .HAH HA HAH HA HAH AH HAH AH HA HAH AH HA HAH AH HA HAH HA HA Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 

Television, Zombies and Sir Walter Raleighs Duck Pond.

As you know if you read last nights diary entry we went to see Mr M in his new hospital where he is much happier, and as I also said I got to play with the controls of his bed. It is amazing what shape you can turn a patient into with these beds and now I know how magicians do that trick sawing the lady in half, I did practice a few times at school for the school talent show but they banned me from using any more 1^st years.  Well it appears you don’t actually saw anyone in half after all.

Anyway this is all by the by (another saying that means if you are near something you are also by it . . . .Yes I agree silly) the point I was coming too concerns Zombies because I am concerned. What I noticed as I tried to make a figure eight with Mr M is that everyone else in his little ward were watching a television, even the visitors of the other patients and they sat there the entire time not moving or talking or even blinking and then a thought came into my head. Yes thoughts do that they seldom arrive anywhere else I have never had a thought in my foot or hand or at least I don’t think I have.

Hang on where was I  . . . . . AH yes, you see everyone looked like Zombies and then I realized that there must be Zombie scientists out there and they designed a machine so cunning in its ways that we have taken to it like a duck to Walter, Yes its one of those silly saying again, I have no idea who Walter is unless it is that Walter Raleigh the inventor of the bicycle who spent a lot of time floating about on his duck pond looking for potatoes.

Sorry distracted again; you see this cunning machine of the Zombies has taken over the world and is slowly turning skilled intelligent humans into Zombies, deskilling us so that when they finally attack, folk will be powerless to save themselves. Folk will just say things like ooooo look  its whats-his name from thingy on that programme on the tele, he looks just like a Zombie, only he will be a Zombie.

Yes I think you realize that I am talking of the television and I suggest that you all run off and turn them off NOW before it is too late, you can spend your evening doing things like sharpening pointy sticks, making model mice out of cheese to confuse the cat or even reading the incredibly brilliant Slightly Eccentric Diary of a certain person who will remain nameless (me) . . . .

Oooooo yes what did I do today  . . . . . . . . . . Ooooooo dear best not to tell. How come there is always a screw left over when you put things back together. 

Rotation biased management in the working environment and the life story of a chicken

I have spent the day doing practical things such as drilling holes with a drill screwing screws in with a screw driver and sawing stuff to the right size, when I say the right size I really mean it is righter than it was before I attacked it with a saw but it is not exactly accurate. You see accurate is an abstract concept, as different things need a different degree of accuracy and I in general try to stick with things where I can go OOOOOOooooo that’s about right, after a wave of a finger and making a few Guesstimates with a pencil. Do you know that in nearly half a millions words of writing my diary that is the first time I have used the word Guesstimate (OK twice now).

While doing all this stuff with Esmeralda and Freddie and his ferret and various other pupils from our posh (well the facade at the front is posh) Academy (school to us normal chaps),   I noticed that most folk are right handed and a small percentage such as myself left handed, but I also noticed something else a result of using power tools with long cables, there is another factor it appears we are also either clockwise biased or anticlockwise biased. If two clockwise biased people use the same power tool the power cable will get all twisted up which is dead annoying but if an anticlockwise person works with a clockwise person the cable will not get twisted because there is no overall rotation of the tool or the cable. So the perfect working relationship for doing DIY would be left and a right handed people, who are also clockwise and anticlockwise biased. I think this discovery is highly important to the workplace; and my observation of rotation biased management in the working environment should win me a Nobel Prize for sure, well it better or someone will not be happy.

One small thing has come to mind over the 500,000 words or so I have so far written in my diary, I am not including comments and my responses to comments that would be just scary, is I have used loads of different words.  You see yet another one used tonight (Guesstimate) and I have used loads over time, much more than that William Shakespeare chap who surprisingly used fewer than most people suspect,  and he made a few up. I believe it is said he used 31 and a half words in total and wrote a total of just under 900,000  in total, so I have used loads more words than he did and done it all in just one diary…..   

If anyone is wondering why the picture is of the chicken tonight he has also written his whole life story in 31 and a half words……. When asked how he felt about his publication he said . . . . . . . He was just a self of his former shell . . . . . . HAH HAHAHHAH HAHAHH Hah hah ah hahah hahah ah hahah ha hah ahhaha hah ha hah ah ahhah hahah ha hah ah hah ha hah ahahah a  

Large guns and small leaves

The day started quietly enough with the Ghost Writer skulking about helping me screw screws into wooden posts as part of the great master plan (that’s the Moroccan Patio Master Plan or MP squared as it is known in GCHQ). We were using the powers of geometry and string to ensure everything was aligned, square and parallel much like the ancient Egyptians did or the Inca’s. It is amazing what you can do with string, in fact it is far more practical than say an ipad or the like, and come the end of the world it would make far greater sense to grab a large ball of string than some fancy phone.

OK there we were and all was fairly peaceful until there was a huge noise like a cannon going off which sent all the geese, chickens and dogs behind us off into a state of panic for ten minutes, it was a very load noise. I have since discovered though that the old chap just up the road a couple of doors away in the village who is over ninety, a bit frail, and has rubbish eye site had taken a shot at a rabbit. He had told our neighbour, who thought he was planning to shot it with an air gun, but it turned out to be something similar to an anti tank mortar weapon which he has had for many many years and he last used against an Alien spacecraft back in the 1950’s. It appears that even though his eye sight is not what is was thirty years ago, he did get the rabbit, well I think the rabbit quite frankly stood no chance or for that matter anything within a hundred yards of the rabbit. Still you know what life in the country is like.

Then after that as me and the Ghost Writer we having a cup of tea and recovering our wits watching bits of fur drift by on the wind the Ghost Writer got a call to say the power had been restored to the grey office so he had to run off to power up the old faithful server. He said later that there was another very very old chap on the road who was driving at 10MPH until you tried to overtake him then he would speed up making him impossible to pass and what he (the Ghost Writer) really needed was a an anti tank mortar weapon. 

I then had to go and do my bit with small over enthusiastic children in the local junior school teaching then Art where I just about got them to make a tree full of leaves to cover the tree on the Animal-Scope, but they are rather a lively bunch and far too enthusiastic with  all their ARE WE THERE YET .. . . . . . . plus the odd muttering of I’M BORED MAKING LEAVES, I did explain that posh leaves take time not two seconds but apparently to the small young mind two seconds is loads of time; what I needed was an anti tank mortar weapon to focus their minds.  Then Mrs Judith the Headmaster ran off smiling which seemed a bit unfair leaving me with a whole gang of pesky kids and a pile of paper leaves that they thought they would run through. Folk cant resist piles of leaves even paper ones.

OOooooooo one last thing I took a slightly better picture of the moon last night. . . .An Almost Super Moon. 

Dick Barton Special Agent and the Zombie Archers of Ambridge, Art and Chickens.

Today turned into an interesting day what with one thing and another, it got off to a great start with Bacon and pancakes for breakfast with maple syrup which is a good way to start any day. Then it got a bit noisy when a tractor and trailer turned up next door, and it now appears that the folk who live behind us and keep rare breed chickens have decided to do the re-enactment of the film Chicken Run and have added yet more chicken houses. It will be interesting to see how good rare breed chickens are at making aeroplanes. Anyway it is a bit of a worry as they seem to have enough chicken houses now for thousands of the beasts, which means a seriously large aeroplane.

I then helped the Ghost Writer with his Radiogram based PC gaming machine he is sorting for Master Ja;, which is apparently brilliant as long as you only play games based on a pre 1955 world, so Dick Barton Special Agent and the Zombie Archers of Ambridge should work really well.

Then this afternoon we went off a preview to see Auntie Karen who is exhibiting her needle felt pictures and hats at a not too far away gallery and events place, we got to chat to Auntie Karen who took my picture and told me that it would be useful to give to the police if any trouble started, I tried to smile a lot but still looked suspicious in the photo. Mr Ian the Musical Hat Maker was there also giving moral support for Auntie Karen, and drinking tea and telling all the punters tales of life and the universe (Mr Ian can tell a good yarn and will keep folk amused for hours). In fact Mr Ian was accompanying John Hegley at the same location only a few days ago, Auntie Karen and Mr Ian the musical Hat Maker are a talented couple.

There was loads of other interesting art there including sculpture, painting. and I even found a really cool looking Meccano Beam Engine, I did ask before I took a photo, it is bad form to go round taking photos in an art gallery without asking. Anyway there were loads of people there who I knew so that was cool, although one person did say everyone looked shorter and fatter that she remembered (it was not me PHEW) apparently this is also bad form in an art gallery during a preview.

We then ended the day with a Chinese takeaway from the Castle of the Bishop so I have eaten loads, which means that last statement about being shorter and fatter is sort of true well half true as I am still the same height.

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What came first, the chicken or the chainsaw. . . . .

Sunday, the sun was shining and it was lovely and warm all day, I did not have to venture into the Zombie Defence Ditch as it is doing what it is meant to do, we have seen no Zombies today. I even chopped a few logs because as  sure as fish are fish or what ever it is you say all this sun will run off and hide again soon, and all the rain will run all over the place and make things wet.

Chopping logs is one of those jobs us chaps like because we get to wave chainsaws about and large axes in a slightly demented way going HAH HAHHAHAH AH hah ah hah ah hah ah hah hahah hahahh hah ahhahah a lot as we do. It also amuses any passing motorists if you cover the wood pile in tomato ketchup and mannequin body parts.  You can always tell if a passing motorist has spotted you as they swerve all over the road, I assume because they are having a bit of a giggle at the image of a mad axe man. One motorist did stop and looked at the torso of my mannequin as I was wiping tomato ketchup off the chainsaw blade, but I told them its OK because it was completely armless . . . . . . . . .. HAHHAH HAHH HAH AHH AH hahh ah hah ah ha hah ah hahahh ha hah ahhahahhah,  Oooooo I did have a good laugh but they suddenly vanished off at speed, so I guess they were running a bit late.

We met one of our new neighbours today she was a sort of brownish red colour and walked funny, but it turned out to be a Gallus Gallus Domesticus or as it is more commonly known a Rhode Island Red. Still it has finally resolved one of the worlds great riddles . . . . . . What came first the chicken or the egg . . . . . because clearly the correct answer is the chicken as an egg can’t wander through the fence from next door.

A Pink Psychedelic Pigeon Perching on a Pomegranate tree.

Saturday again and for reasons I do not understand we are having retro-weather, or in other words winter has sneaked back which is not nice. I did go outside at one point and looked at the sky and the Zombie Defence Trench but the sky was cold and the zombies have all gone back into hiding because zombies do not like the cold. It appears the only activity today was banshees who do like cold weather, the Lemmings of Petrograd who of course come from Petrograd so a cold day on the English Welsh border is just another average day for them. And then we heard, but did not see a strange bird or at least I assume if was a bird, it made strange noises and Heavy Harry the Cat showed some interest but Heavy Harry the Cat hates the cold and was not going out to investigate. And the chicken tried to do an impression of the strange bird which the chicken says is a Pink Psychedelic Pigeon Perching on a Pomegranate tree.

That reminds me I must go and continue my posts for the grand blogging event, the A to Z challenge thing that starts in April.  So for now that is your lot. I may or may not return…..

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The  YouTube Music Links of Rob Z Tobor

A day in the life of a Chicken

After a long stint on top of the Christmas tree in hiding the Chicken has finally got off after he/she was reassured that this was in fact a new world record for a chicken, even if the Guinness book of Records refuses to recognize a new world record for a knitted chicken on top of a Christmas tree. As the chicken says (OK SORT OF) it is not easy to roost on top of a artificial Christmas tree for long periods as there is little to eat, just a few glass balls, an angel, and fairy lights which is hardly ideal food to produce a decent egg.

The day has been remarkably peaceful starting with a bit of pointing and prodding at Tongue and Groove Panelling, then the nodding and shaking of heads and a final AH . . . . . Yes; before we all headed of to see family members who are having a bit of hassle with kitchen cupboards, once there we were all able to point and prod at kitchen cupboard doors then nod and shake our heads while pointing at tape measures and saying AH  . . . . Yes, metric measurements . . . . . . DAMN, we are you see deep down imperial people, and old sayings like ‘give then an inch and they take a yard’ are ruined in metric.

I have noticed that most of the Christmas lights around us have now vanished, we are one of the few houses in the area if not the world that think fairy lights are for life not just for Christmas. Lets face it given a choice of two or three glaring spot lamps on the front of the house or just over three thousand fairy lights, lighting everything up in a nice warm glow; I don’t think it takes a great deal of thought to decide which is the aesthetically more pleasing. Unless of course you are a security guard with a growling dog and you love your job so much you like to patrol your home long into the night on your days off.  Shouting stop who goes there as a bored pensioner with a Pekinese heads off to the park to chase pigeons and annoy the teenagers by sitting on the swings and waving their false teeth at them (that’s the pensioner not the Pekinese).

Oooo I had to unhook a finger from a hook today, it was a homemade hook, I am rather good at making homemade hooks……..

OK enough I am off again now to do other things which will also include eating FOOD  . . . . . YuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmMMMM. 

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The Golden Yod . . . Photographic evidence of the Yod Particle

At school today I was complaining about the End of the World and the late arrival of Yod (The Golden Yod so I am told) to the physics teacher. But he said I am looking at this in the wrong way and I need to think of The Golden Yod as a collective of particles, not a big hand arriving or a man with a big beard because we are dealing with space the universe and everything, but we should be thinking more in the terms of the Large Hadron Collider. It appears it was built by a secret organisation of physicists who built it to search for the so called Yod particle.  He said once you know what you are looking for it should be much easier to see the arrival of Yod and that in his opinion as a physics teacher and member of a secret society dedicated to the strange Yod culture, I should have my camera ready to take a few photos pointing towards the West round about dusk.

So I did and have managed to take a photo of the illusive Yod particles as they entered the earths atmosphere, the dog was quite excited and said that he thought there was an outside chance that they might be made of cheese slices but mum said the dog was an IDIOT.

  

By way of celebrating the successful sighting of the Yod particles myself and my fellow drummer played our End of the World Drum Rhythm tonight, it appears that the Yod Particle is just the first phase of all this End of the World stuff, and I read somewhere today that it may involve chickens.  I am not sure if that means that the Space Gulls are in fact chickens or that there will be Space Gulls and chickens.

The Ghost Writer who managed to go to the office today (he has had Man Flu too) was well annoyed because he said it was the sunniest day for weeks and thought it was due to be Armageddon  weather. He also thinks it is unlikely that chickens will be involved in the end of the world as they are quite frankly stupid. I did say our chicken is not stupid and is hiding from aliens and huge cheese slices on top of the Christmas tree, but he seemed to take a completely different point of view about the intelligence of the chicken?  

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A tribute to Sir Patrick Moore, because WE SIMPLY JUST DON’T KNOW the answer

This whole End of the World thing gets more likely by the day, as sadly one of the few people on the planet with the knowhow and experience to deal with aliens, Space Gulls and huge cheese slices from the far reaches of the universe died today. Sir Patrick Moore who was only 89, was indeed Britain’s favourite amateur astronomer and one of the few people who might have been able to convince the aliens bent of world destruction that we are in fact not all bad.  Sir Patrick in his heyday would have put his monocle into his eye looked the grand commander of the alien fleet of  war machines square in the eyes and said . . . . . . . We simply just don’t know . . . . The alien grand commander thrown off course by the comment would then be subjected to a brilliantly informed subjective assessment By Sir Patrick Moore as he pointed to Ursa Major explaining that it is known to many as the Great Bear and that bears like cheese and get on well with seagulls. He would then pat the alien on the back shake his hand, say Well that’s all we have time for tonight and maybe apologise for the cloudy weather. The baffled aliens would never be able to destroy earth knowing Patrick Moore was in his garden looking at them through his telescope.

We are now dependent on Professor Brian Cox, and although I enjoy his appearances in the media his smile can look a little insincere on the odd occasion, well just imagine if the Alien Grand Commander misunderstood him smiling away and being all bouncy and enthusiastic or worse still Professor Brian Cox played some of his music to him . . . . . It will be curtains for sure.        

 We have now just about completed making our living room look like Christmas which is just as well as aliens are possibly turning up tomorrow (give or take the estimated error of 300 years). And we think we have a world first this year. Yes we have the Christmas chicken on top of the tree. The chicken says aliens will never find him sat on top of a Christmas tree provided I don’t go telling the world and posting pictures on him/her all over the internet. . . . . . . . . . . . . AH ….. DAMN sorry chicken 

Rest in Peace Sir Patrick Moore. 

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Mutant Flesh Eating Zombie Rabbit Christmas gift tags

With more of an effort on making homemade things for Christmas and also as we are all having a quieter day after last night’s party. It was a good party but there was one very loud band, they were a good band, but loud. I could tell when several folk ran screaming from the town hall clutching their ears and pointing towards the upstairs of the town hall, although at first I assumed it must be aliens hiding on the roof again.

AH  . . . OK as I was saying we are having a quiet day here and making things for Christmas, so I was helping by making small gift tags in particular Mutant Flesh Eating Zombie Rabbit gift tags. Although mum did say IDIOT as it appears I was meant to be making holly and Santa gift tags, I did explain that Mutant Flesh Eating Zombie Rabbit gift tags were far more popular that ordinary gift tags and no self respecting Goff would appreciate getting a present with a smiling reindeer looking them square in the eye.

It has been yet another cold day outside and so I have not ventured out into the elements, and am maintaining a minimum number of layers of clothing I have worked out that the optimum number of layers to maintain normal temp is eight so I am wearing 32 items of clothing at present but it is not ideal when trying to cut the fiddly bits of a Mutant Flesh Eating Zombie Rabbit gift tag. I am trying to think of some good Mutant Flesh Eating Zombie Rabbit jokes to put into the Christmas crackers, and we have found a nice selection of mummified things to add as gifts, so they will liven up the school Christmas party. 

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The curse of Granny and Knitted Jumpers in a post apocalyptic world, and a chicken

After all that politics yesterday things have returned to normal today, Esmeralda  was complaining that it is rather cold; which, when most of you is made of stainless steel is hardly surprising. And although she has an array of nano-electronics and miniature steam powered parts, it does not help that these are kept cool by fans (the rotating ones not the screaming ones). Her mum has made her a silly woolly hat with ears so she looks like a Dalek with a rabbit’s head something that you would think would make most of the class snigger at.

But due to the cold, Freddie is wearing a ferret hat, Freddie’s ferret is wearing a Freddie hat. Henry is wearing a knitted giraffe hat although it keeps hitting the teacher when Henry turns round, and the teacher is wearing a Panda hat. I arrived wearing a mutant zombie hat but because it is a knitted mutant zombie hat with a smiley face it is not quite as scary as it should be.  In fact modern knitting is not as scary in general as it use to be, once upon a time if granny said she was knitting you a jumper for Christmas it would instil fear and anxiety as you worried about how many arms it would have or where the hole for your head might end up. And if you were really unlucky it would have a huge snarling stag or reindeer on the front with pink antlers surrounded by snow flakes.

I have been wearing the ghost writers old coat that was half eaten by a mouse so it is full of holes; granny said she plans to knit a selection of small shrews which she will sew into all the holes to keep the draft out. I have told granny that it will make me look like some sort of mouse toy that you buy from the pet shop, but granny says I need to wrap up warm and remain cosy and that drafts course all sorts of sickness like plague and flu. I did say to granny that she does not always wear twenty layers of clothes and a bobble hat but she told me that is because she has a bottle of gin each day to keep of the cold.

We are off for a meal tonight at Big Bill's Greasy Fur Ball Café where I hope to have the worlds greatest fish and chips, it is to celebrate the fact we have lived in our new house for one year, well it will be one year tomorrow at 4.00pm because we had to wait for ages for the little old lady to get her bits out. This was due to the fact her removal men were total rubbish.

The Ghost Writer has said I can take the printer I helped him fix to the recycling dump tomorrow because I ruined it totally, luckily however he has another one to look at now so I have promised him I will help. After all it is not easy to fix a printer with a  thick indigo knitted polo jumper with a Viking on the front holding an Osprey and  SupperMan in large sparkly green letters embossed across the middle. He has to wear it from time to time or his granny gets upset and hits him with an umbrella until he puts it on.

     

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the Paralympics Opening Ceremony, Miss Fionaski and Neil Armstrong

So today’s big event was the Ghost Writers Birthday and we all had a family get together to celebrate this and bought him a great big present. However this is not the only reason we are a bit late tonight is the opening ceremony of the Paralympics and we are watching a bit of it. I say watching but we missed the start due to the Ghost Writers party. We are also doing what we did on the Olympic Opening ceremony we have sneaked away as they work there way through the alphabet. WOWS there are a lot of countries, some I have never heard of at all. But it does appear that the Paralympics is more diverse and cosmopolitan and that is good.  Anyway we are waiting until we arrive at say Zanzibar then we will go and see how it finishes tonight. I just hope we don’t have another two weeks of Chariots of Fire on a loop or I will complain to someone and wave my arms about in an annoying way.

As for other news Miss Fionaski has returned from her secret mission to the moon, a week ago I was not sure why the Russians would send their top spy all the way to the moon but with the sad death of Neil Armstrong all is now clear, it was a way to boost KGB funding.  Yes I suspect Neil Armstrong memorabilia will make a fortune on ebay at present, particularly those things that were left on the moon like the stars and strips flag and the rock that Mr Armstrong wrote ‘Neil Was Here’ on. Then there are things like the life size inflatable Elvis which Neil Armstrong was told off for taking and he was forced to leave behind. It was this that started that rumour that Elvis was alive and well and living on the moon when it was spotted by keen amateur astronomers one night.  You are probably thinking would the KGB really go to such ends for funding, but sadly with the ending of the cold war, needs must.

OK I have been away watching the big end of the opening of the Paralympics games and all I can say is overall I think they were better that the Olympics by a long way. There was some really cool stuff. And the Paralympics flame arriving on a zip wire from 350 ft on the top of that ArcelorMittal Orbit was very very clever. And lets face it having an Ian Dury song in the middle of it was brill, but then I am a fan of Ian Dury so would say that, and science, so the inclusion of a huge Newtonian telescope was perfect timing for tonight’s diary. I was even impressed that the British team all dressed up as Neil Armstrong and Steven Hawkins and the moon were there. So all in all it was ******** excellent. The only snag now is it is tomorrow again …….. DAMN…   

Ian Dury's protest song has  a bit of bite .... I was pleased they played it tonight

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The Bradley Wiggins Effect, a Strimmer, Heavy Harry the Cat and the Chicken

The summer holiday appears to be rapidly going at the speed of a speeding express train (no not slow I mean quickly) and I appear to be doing DIY and gardening every day, that can’t be right. This diary is meant to be the diary of an eccentric child of cyberspace, a Peter Pan character in a Harry Potter world only less sulky and moody and in an Adrian Mole Diary format. So all this DIY and gardening is fundamentally wrong, however I am working on it, and I talked the dog into eating a large alarm clock. Peter Pan had a large scary ticking beast, unfortunately I had not considered the fact that the dog would chew my alarm clock quite that much so it stopped ticking.  You can let a dog off once with that mistake but after he had chewed the fifth alarm clock I was a bit annoyed and had no alarm clocks left. In the end he swallowed my ipop in one go and spend the day busking outside the out of town supermarket singing the Ace of Spades (again, I know it’s a small world, things repeat themselves).

Meanwhile Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy is off today to the moon on a secret mission which I must not mention……..DAM……… Sorry I did, and Captain Nessman of the High Seas starts heading off for his adventure in China tomorrow.  I think I am allowed to mention that so that’s OK…….. …….. ……….. …….. AH No sorry……..DAM.

Heavy Harry the Cat and the chicken have sort of been playing although Heavy Harry the Cat was not entirely happy that the Chicken tried to nick his drink. Mum was out in her black Lamborghini and muttering about the so called Bradley Wiggins effect, this for those who do not know of the Bradley Wiggins effect is groups of unfit men on expensive bicycles cycling on the road and looking like a heart attack on wheels. I personally think it is best to leave this to Bradley Wiggins himself he is much better at it that the rest of us after all I would not leap out of a tall tree and flap my arms just because a pigeon does (yes yes I know I did try it just the once).

As for me I was gardening again, well after I stripped the strimmer down and rebuilt in which took half the morning to do, it was bought in 1995 and spent the first 10 years of its life outside regardless of the weather so it sometimes decides to sulk a bit. I once met the man who invented and designed Black and Decker’s first electric string trimmer in 1970 (the model #8200) but he never got the credit for the design which was given to an American the following year. Life is fickle (again). But this is all a distraction from the fact I have not done anything interesting today what so ever.

Oooooo I did catapult a dead pigeon over a fence……….

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