The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter K

K

We have reached that point in the A to Z where the mind sort of wanders off (well mine does) and we think OOOOoooooo What’s that up there. . . . . It’s a Seagull (Not a Duck). So when I say OK Plan K my first thought is Pirates Har Har Har. Yes Pirates make folk walk the PlanK. And Anyway Pirates fit well into the life of both Seagulls and Ducks; although probably Seagulls more so than Ducks. The thought of Long John Silver fighting off Ducks on the Bridge of the Hispaniola while Captain Flint his Parrot Shouts ‘Pieces of Eight . . . Quack Quack Quack’ somehow seems wrong.

So there you have it I have been entirely distracted by those Pesky Ducks again. I’ll never make it to the Letter Z at the rate although I do have one skill that I think might help. . . The ability to write reams of total Rubbish. After all I have reached Z many times before so I feel confident . . .  sort of . . . . Maybe?

A Picture I produced for a friend. Of a rather well know Building

A rather odd response to the Chancellors Autumn Statement

The Elephant in the room . . . .  (Sea)

Slimpe flimg hoveling bing balley how fly crospa thing in the pink floo go zolos big hist chip pooly gharna fly kjdfzlakjaf n nf adsapwru akdjk j spoly adfhfj sjfh sfj os0riwue.  I urii uq0 q08wqrt-ty9  dksfjf polly nad hoosker trip fol ajdkad adjka jkds ad kjdkjdk a-wer  ksjfdksfj sjf sfkj  pgdh pkk n mn sfnmasdb nka n b bandkrj  ad b and then fkskf chanceling rubbish a ncvmvmvn sa gobbledy gook.

 jhaverhd h aoud mini asdj  statement fsdhjfhj hh finances and   sjflj tax sjl  as well as a right old load of zcxvbxvcbv about balances bookes on his head. Anyway that joalster armie flea splat Mr Osborne babbled on for at lefxcbnvb an hour I reckon and although I (cxcvbsddi) sort of listened and blustied about in the waine a bit. I think it was not right.

Which brings me to my nest point ffhrrrjhjhfk and stuff is all very well, but I mean it fhjsjfghhf feste seems to get harder to understand kfjskfjlsisurif hisiltol glue stool pop d djskasd each year. At least in the olds days he put a couple of pence on a bottle of wine, everyone complained and blunstile approllist adsfsrfdsgf and we would throw seagulls at him. But not now . . . . now you need to have a degree in finance to even understand what he is saying. Which is of course the plan, because if you did know what the Chancellor of the Exchequer was on about then you would also know all is not what it seems.  And he has pinched your money again

I mean just how can anyone complain when they don’t understand a word of it, well not the bits where he nicks your money back anyway. . . . .  So all I can say in response to our old mate Mr George Osborne is . . . . Scrimble flip boo kistal jim spol greb askfjlk and I hope it hurts too.

Drugs in Sport is one thing but drugs in politics is terrible. . . . . I demand tests on the lot ( NO not tests on the drugs but test on politicians).

OOOOOoooo look a seagull.

Damn this is harder than it loops . . . PHEW    

The Wisdom of Age

Look I made a face

Well there are certain disadvantages in getting older which folk don’t appreciate until they get older.  You see due to past circumstances I now find I have the body of a 99 year old and the mind of a 9 year old. I know I am not 99 years old but a very long time ago a chap decided to attack me with a large lump of metal which was about the weight, size and shape of the average British cat (sorry Car). . . . It was in fact an average car. It was also not nice and at the time I was very battered, but I recovered. However I have since discovered that the draw back to such events is the poor old body as it gets old says to itself or the brain . . . .  Hang on I think I am feeling a bit Knackered. . . .  So the result is I now have the body of a 99 year old.

There is another interesting thing that can happen to folk as they get older, I think us chaps are very prone to it and that is after a certain age you start going backwards mentally, leading to my statement of having the body of a 99 year old and the mind of a 9 year old

Now I started by saying there are certain disadvantages in this and so there are, you see a nine year old likes to chase seagulls on the beach with say a large plastic dinosaur making roaring noises (this is not recommended if you are a grumpy old chap).  A nine year old will happily climb a tree and pretend to be an alien in the park shouting . . . Take me to your leader . . . at a squirrel (this is not recommended if you are a grumpy old chap).  And apparently standing in a supermarket trolley in Sainsbury’s pretending you are a huge monster Octopus fighting a gang of pirates. . . OK Little Old ladies. . .  with a freshly baked French loaf, is something that the store manager will disapprove of and tell you off and ban you for ages.

Luckily there is one plus to having the mind of a nine year old and it is that a few days later you have forgotten that you have been banned and that you had to be rescued from a tree by the fire brigade or that you were totally knackered for several days after chasing seagulls.  

I was always told when I was little that when you get old you became wise and that folk will come and see you and ask you important questions about the world and stuff.  And now I think I understand why the world is in a bit of a mess. You see I think what is happening is that people do go and ask the wise old sages and leaders of religions and tribes and counties and crumbly old grumpy folk like me what they should do and we apply all the wisdom that our nine year old minds can muster up and say things like. . . . Attack them with youR terrible Martian Death Ray and put FROG-SPAWN in their briefcases HAH HAhah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ha ha ha ha . . . . . .          

Well as old wise folk our wisdom is not questioned unless of course we are standing in a supermarket trolley in the freezer section of the local store pretending we are a parrot. Then folk tend not to come and see me (sorry You). . . . . . .

The origins of well known sayings. A new occasional informative series of posts

Ah yes I knew I had taken a picture of a rookish sort of bird ages ago while at the beach

In order to keep my diary(Yes I think it has sort of drifted from that a bit) and blog lively and interesting, I have decided to add yet another occasional little themed series of posts to it, explaining the meanings of some of those rather bizarre sayings that have become associated with the English language.  Many of them originate from that chap Shakespeare who I’m sure will be sniggering away in the afterlife knowing that he has confused at least Half the worlds population. I mean who has not heard someone at a party quote . . . . An Ass your yoghurt eyes drool in Hell. . .  And we all nod knowingly and agree while thinking WHAT does it mean? Nobody admitting they don’t know either because they think everyone will call them an IDIOT.

So today I will start by explaining one of those sayings that used to be said loads, but has like many sayings gone out of favour.

Yes we start with. . . . TOO Many Rooks spoil the Moth. . . . 

At first glance it looks like complete nonsense but when looked at in the rational light of day (another one of those sayings) does in fact make more sense that it might appear to.  You see Rooks are much larger than a Moth and although they have a mutually beneficial relationship in the world of nature, Rooks can also lead to the downfall of many a moth. Rooks as we all know are the rouges of the bird kingdom, stealing stuff drinking and having wild parties into the night taking illegal substances. Now for a Rook that’s fine they are large enough to handle a few drinks and dodgy drugs, but their mates the Moths are small, one drink and a few puffs of dope and they are away with the fairies (yet another saying to be dealt with later). The moths then get confused and fly about erratically confusing every single light in the world with the Moon, going round in every decreasing circles until they burn up on something hot such as a street light or a security light or similar. Those that don’t then fall prey to Bats, Spiders and Rabbits that find them strangely addictive (well we all know why that is). 

So what this saying is actually telling us as humans, is that some of us are Rooks and some of us are Moths and one or two of us are either Bats, Spiders or Rabbits. I think it is worth giving this some thought and you can always let me know which one you think you are. I have had a long think myself and because of my grumpy unsociable nature combined to the fact I do not drink or take substances of a dodgy nature, but do like Fish and Chips by the seaside I must be more of a seagull. . . . Sadly I can’t remember any well know Seagull sayings right now but give me time I will come up with one yet.     

Navigating by the Stars to the Edge of the World

Swen the Swede was a navigator, a man of the sea and a trader back in long distant past.  He certainly knew his sky and it was said that on a clear night he could point to the horizon and tell you where every city in the world was from Swansea in Wales to Kychin in the exotic lands of China or Reckilainliania in Iceland.

However navigation was a fickle game and when the sky was cloudy it was instinct, the currents and the prevailing winds that sea farer's relied on to keep then heading in the right direction. These were the days when it was thought the world was flat and to sail too close to the edge would end in disaster and you would fall over the edge into a great oblivion.

This idea seemed foolhardy to Swen the Swede, he had travelled many thousands of miles to many lands trading many many things from fine silks to precious metals and axe heads made of bronze. He knew that a flat Earth was just not a realistic possibility it had to be some other shape that involved curves possibly even a sphere. These were thoughts he kept to himself it was not a good idea to talk of such things because the church were not keen, and had a habit of making you change your mind. They did not use reasoned argument either but a large device full of sharp pointy bits and chains, church folk back then were somewhat scary which is why they had larger congregations that in today’s modern more enlightened church. 

Ah yes I may be getting a bit distracted sorry about that

So Swen decided once and for all to head towards the edge in a perfectly straight line using his own invention. A device very similar to a modern sextant, but it was said to have a clever mechanic device added to it that could devise a fixed passion in time and space. A device which to this day has never been recreated. By accident you see Swen had invented the very first and possibly the last Quantum Mechanical Sextant, so if Earth was even remotely flat then Swen knew he would find the edge.

Being Vikings Swen and his Crew were frightened of nothing not even the edge of the world, so it was testament to their endeavour that three weeks after setting sail and in the black of a moonless night as Swen plotted his voyage that the sound of a wild roar could be heard in the distance. And as morning approached the ship found itself being dragged by a huge current towards the abyss of the end of the world where the sea vanished into nowhere. As the crew waited for what they thought would be their own end they were astonished to find that it sailed along the edge shaking and rattling against the huge force of the current. They did not know why but they hung on desperately to the ship as it shook.  Then the Sextant that Swen the Swede had invented toppled over the edge and into the great abyss never to be seen again. As it did so the edge of the sea rapidly vanished into the distance and the ship and the crew found themselves drifting in a flat calm sea.

They returned home and told the world of science and the church of what had happened but no one believed them and although Swen tried to remake his Quantum Mechanical Sextant he never succeeded and so was never able to find the edge of the world again. You see the world is round in our universe but is flat in the alternative Quantum universe and only a Quantum Mechanical Sextant can take you to the edge.  It was the paradox of different dimensions meeting that meant the ship could not fall over the edge but the Quantum Mechanical Sextant could and once there the link between the two worlds vanished.        

Men with Guns, Paddington Bear, and the Most Powerful Hand Torch in the World.

After chilling and watching Paddington Bear the movie last night, which friends had lent us to watch, I was rather annoyingly forced into action by men with guns.  This is what happens in the country all the time and by that I don’t mean folk are watching Paddington Bear all the time. It was not quite what I was expecting and even now I am not entirely sure if I thought it was a good film or not. Yes there were some witty lines, but there does seem to be a trend at present that films need slightly improbable action and stuff or they are not good. OK a bear turning up in not that probable. but that is not what I mean, I refer to folk leaping about fighting and showing more than a hint distinctly aggressive behaviour. I suspect the new Mad Max film will still lack any genuine plot and intellectual stimulation. And for a post apocalyptic world with dwindling resources and no one doing anything productive they do seem to waste a lot of energy on fighting . . . You would think they might learn from the fact it is a post apocalyptic world.

Anyway back to the point having watched the film I became aware that men with guns were about in the dark outside by the noise of a high velocity rifle being fired very close to the house. They are noisy things and have a very different sound to that of the farmers favourite, the 12 bore.  When I went out to investigate it was plainly clear that there were men out lamping along the track by the woods. They were using large spot lamps on top of a 4X4 to light up the woods so they could shoot at things. It does annoy me, but this is the country, folk do stuff like this a lot. Anyway I went and grabbed a large powerful torch and found a strategic point to turn my own spot lamp back on them. I think it confused them a bit; folk out lamping don’t normally get the lamp turned back on themselves. Luckily they did not shot me . . . . PHEW and headed off round the other side of the woods, I did not pursue them I was on foot and only had a torch. They were a small group in a 4X4 and had guns, you I suspect would have done a similar thing.

It was just like the Mad Max Film (I refer to the old one, I will not bother with the new one myself) only with Paddington Bear, and I had to defend myself with a the most Powerful Hand Torch in the world in a clearing near the Eastwood.       

Uriah Useless . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Uriah Useless

Uriah Useless was a great inventor and has a long list of diverse machines and devices to his credit, but due to a cruel twist of fate his name is little known to the masses.  A key reason for this is easily explained by one of his greatest inventions . . . .  The Useless Underwater Umbilical Suit.   You see despite his skills and knowledge he found it difficult to instil confidence in the users of his diving suit when blazoned across the front in large letters is the word USELESS. He was often advised to drop his own name from his inventions but as with many Victorian Gentlemen Inventors vanity dictated that he wanted his name up there for all to see. 

However like many of the inventors of the day he was a wealthy man and inventing was something of an interesting pastime, something to have long discussions about back in the eminent surroundings of the very exclusive Preposterous Club of Great Britain, founded by the right Honourable Arnold Alexander Axle Armstrong-Atlas. It was at the Preposterous Club where Uriah Useless first heard of a ship called the Nautilus which he was told was at the bottom of the sea with the famous French writer Joules Verne trapped inside. He immediately set off to save him using his Useless Underwater Umbilical Suit but of course the Nautilus was not a real vessel.

When Uriah Useless returned to the Preposterous Club of Great Britain he became aware that it was all a practical joke by Benjamin Braithwaite Browning and there was much sniggering behind his back. However he got his revenge as a witness in the trial of Benjamin Braithwaite Browning but he never returned to the Preposterous Club and became a recluse in a Scottish castle where he apparently took to wearing a bicycle wheel on his head and talking to Puffins.

Captain Caspian Clive Caruthers . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Captain Caspian Clive Caruthers

Captain Caruthers was a seafaring man and had a long and distinguished career in the British Navy. As he got older he had many ideas that he felt would help the Navy to become masters of the sea. One of which was a navigational device he invented called the Caruthers Chronographic Chart Clarifier.  His device worked perfectly well but sadly Captain Caruthers was starting to go a little mad. He discovered a new island which he called New Jamaica which was in fact The Isle of Man.  And he attempted to claim The Isle of White for Britain, besieging the harbour and destroying the Post Office with cannon fire before the island surrendered. He was therefore retired off and found accommodation in the Green Acres Retirement Home for Naval Officers, however he was convinced he was a prisoner of war and spent many years digging tunnels to escape called Tom, Tom and Tom. He sadly died on his final escape plan when he built a glider in the roof of the home and although the glider worked well his victory barrel roll proved to be a foolish move.

  His invention the Caruthers Chronographic Chart Clarifier is still used by the retired naval officers at the Green Acres Retirement Home for Naval Officers to get to Tesco and back on Fridays when they are allowed out for good behaviour.  The Caruthers Cup is now a respected award, awarded for the best tunnel escape attempt at the home each year. 

Llandudno. The Zombie Seagulls and The George Hotel

I have returned (OK yesterday afternoon) from my expedition North by what some would say was the pretty route or as the more rational among us like to call it, the long way. So where did we venture in our search for the source of the large great thing that folk have not found the source of yet. Well Llandudno a place where explorers seldom go hunting for things, which logically makes it a prime target to explore, logic dictates that you are more likely to find new things in a place where no one has looked for them. And it is plainly very clear that it has been some time since man looked for new things in Llandudno. 

Our first new discovery was a new breed of seabird; it was a seagull, not just any seagull though but one with very specific eating habits. It hammered away on windows until it was given Ginger Nuts which then appeased the ravenous beast who flew off only to return the following day at the same time.  We have officially named the new breed of bird Seagullious Gingernutium Esmeralda after Esmeralda as it was a fearsome and scary beast that given half a chance would bite half your arm off, and it shouted a lot.  We assume that it might be worshiped by the local Llandudnoians as we did notice they sold three Zombie Gingerbread Men for a pound and had many images of Zombies in Shop Windows.

Our search for the source of the large great thing did not go well until the second evening when a huge ship was hauled through town on a big caterpillar tracked device accompanied by men in orange seafaring equipment. We would not have noticed had it not been for the fact that all the buildings shook and there was a loud low rumbling that sent little old ladies scampering in all directions for cover. There are many little old ladies in Llandudno.

Having concluded that this strange ritual must be connected to our search we set off the following morning in our final bid for glory after a hearty breakfast at base camp (the George Hotel . . . Well Posh) following in the tracks (in more ways than one) of the huge ship. As we did we noticed many little old ladies heading towards M&S and discretely followed as they looked like they could be heading towards the source of the thing we were seeking and interestingly none of the windows  of M&S were full of zombies or skeletons which was suspicious. As we followed this lost tribe of little old ladies up the escalator to the first floor they spoke in a strange tongue, some sort of strange Welsh language.

Following them through the 50% sale rails and towards the café we suddenly found ourselves in a clearing and at the elusive Source of the Aisle. We cheered and raised our flag, a skull and crossbones purchased in a local shop and made of genuine plastic. Our mission complete we returned to base camp and ate afternoon cream tea and watched Zombie Seagulls pecking at the heads of passing joggers on the promenade. It’s their own fault there are signs saying beware of the seagulls.

This is very funny indeed if you have not seen it.

Greenwich Mean Time, Body Clocks and Seagulls

It is a well know fact of nature that all creatures have an internal body clock; it is what ensures that nature does not fall into a state of chaos and is a key feature in the survival of life on Earth. It is what allows birds to migrate at the right time, animals to have young at the right time and it dictates the work and sleep patterns of all life on the planet.  It is also a well known, OK slightly less well known, but true fact that the internal body clock of creatures on Earth is slightly different to that of the present length of a day and year.  This is because the planet is slowing down, OK I might be wrong maybe it is speeding up I can’t remember, but slowing down is more logical as it looses energy.  In short nature and life has adjusted to the natural cycle of the planet, in nature a seagull can not look at its watch and say OOOOOOo is that the time, I should be on the cliffs doing my courtship dance and stealing Puffin eggs.

However one creature on the planet is stupid enough to mess about with the natural cycle of the universe with clever mathematics and light bulbs so that it can pretend that it controls not only nature, but time itself. . . OK one guess which life form we are talking about. . . . . . Correct, us, mankind. Here we are all peering at clocks (unlike seagulls) or iPhones going Ooooo is that the time I must go shopping and buy some puffin eggs for my evening meal.  We now have twenty four hour shopping, working, or leisure and strawberries in the middle of winter (although in general they are rubbish).

Here in Britain we can proudly boast that time on Earth was standardised throughout the world and fixed to a line in the ground at Greenwich, so called Greenwich Mean Time. The entire world with the exception of a few countries such as Ethiopia who insist on working eight years behind everyone else (I have discussed this before)  now use the time as set by Britain.

So what did we all do in Britain last night at two in the morning, we moved all our clocks forward by one hour making today twenty three hours long and messing with my head and internal body clock. Oh yes typical, Britain has moved to British Summer Time and in doing so has shifted us one hour away from the time that every other country (almost all)  bases its own time on. This is typical of us Brits although ironically it has no effect on Seagulls.

I will suffer for days now and will be wandering about in a haze looking like an IDIOT shouting . . . . Where are my Puffin Eggs and probably getting told off as folk miss hear what I say . . . . .  

I even took a photo of a tulip that has opened up today as proof that nature does not need man made clocks.

The Opening Ceremony of the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics, President Putin and a Small Chicken.

The winter Olympic opening ceremony has been on the go today and it was rather a grand affair for a winter Olympics as in general they tend to be more friendly and low key than the summer ones. But of course because they are in Russia rumour have abounded that President Putin was keen to put on (Putin . . . . . .  Put on . . . . . . . HA HAH HA H HAH hah ha haha ha ha ha hah ha ha) a good show. And I would have to say some of it was very spectacular indeed as it showed the story of Russia through history, a bit like the London Olympics showed Britain. The odd thing with these though is that it sort of ended with the breaking up of the USSR and then came to an abrupt holt in a sort of AH . . . . . . .DAMN . . . . . I know we can have some Seagulls  . . . no hang on Doves, Doves is good or Swans folk like Swans …….. Interestingly it appears that Sochi (the place in Russia, not the Japanese seafood) is one of the warmer parts of Russia and has no snow which might make things a bit tricky.

Anyway as you know the chicken loves these things and only the other day said he planned to fly over and sneak in; and much like in London the Russians also would prefer not to have chickens running about, partly because it is already complicated enough with Seagulls, Doves and Swans all over the place. But the chicken is a resourceful beast and 40,000 armed troops and folk dressed as white rabbits were never going to keep it away from meeting the main man.

I was able to capture the moment on the TV as out of the shadows the chicken moves in closer to see President Putin close up. The President gritting his teeth, but clearly unhappy that the massed security forces failed to get the chicken. Although if you look at the picture closely you will notice that he is cunningly using his third arm (not many folk know he has three arms) to try and grab the chicken and have him (her) dealt with.

Apparently loads and loads of money was spent on the venue and there is talk of legacy much like there was after the London Olympics . . . . . . . .HAH HA HAH HA HAH AH HAH AH HA HAH AH HA HAH AH HA HAH HA HA Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 

Aliens, clouds, spies, curry and vineyards

 You can always tell that you might be standing next to spies when one man in a raincoat and designer sunglasses reading the Times newspaper says . . . . . The gazelles are not happy pushing the supermarket trolleys in the mud. And then another man in a raincoat with designer sunglasses reading the Times newspaper says  . . . . .  The bicycle has climbed the tree in the wood again, I will light the fire. . . .  I did add . . . The Seagulls are less active when the Queen sings. But I was told seagulls are very old school and no modern spy fresh from the headphones of GCHQ would even know what a seagull was these days, now we have the internet and stuff.

Anyway other than encounters with spies and a small grumpy alien who refused to abducted Mr Jones on the grounds that he was naked yet again and  that they had already adducted him three times this year; and really knew as much as they needed to know about him, not a lot has happened today. Oooooo yes I might have seen a pirate or it may have been a duck, sometimes if things move fast the mind will change the things to a more suitable object to fit in with the situation, like for example seeing a tap dancing crow holding a ice cream on the Eiffel tower . . . in a cloud above the house while digging a hole with a pickaxe.

Mr F is with us for the weekend and we went off to a vineyard to drink hot chocolate and discuss cheese. It was a very nice vineyard just the other side of Churchstoke and they we right in the middle of their main harvest, I don’t drink wine which explains the hot chocolate.  I also continued to dig my new hole with the pickaxe although it started to rain from an interesting looking cloud which stopped that in its tracks as they say . . . Yes a hole does not make tracks, so not an ideal saying really.  And we have been for a curry in Monty with Mr F which was good.

And really that is about it I think.

Ooooooo some folk are doing a jigsaw as I am typing this by the way and I am also drinking tea.

Reuniouns, Proof of Aliens Breeding on Earth and Dogs

Before I return to tell more of the secret mission on the South Wales coast I must first let you know I have been close to the North Wales Coast today on what was a grand reunion for old school friends. I must also add that although I was there it was not a grand reunion for my school and I did not have a clue who anyone was, and they did not know who I was, although they all knew each other. It is odd being at the grand reunion of folk who have not seen one another for up to 40 odd years or so when you have never met them before, but they were all very nice people and I got to have a nice lunch, a hot chocolate and an exciting drive along some of the wettest motorways I have ever been on which was well scary….

So while on the subject of wet scary things I should show you my proof of aliens breeding on the beaches of Saundersfoot in Pembrokeshire, because it is rather convincing. And before anyone thinks I have been tinkering with the picture I can assure you I have not. The only thing I have not worked out is do these aliens remain tiny aliens in which case they can sneak about unseen, after all I did photograph those Nano-Alien spacecraft way back when and those two bits of evidence do rather link up rather well. On the other hand they could grow into huge aliens very fast and pass themselves off as members of the yacht club; in fact could it be the local yacht club is a front for alien activity.

Note the little Alien faces as they emerge from their shells

 One other small thing I noticed about beaches is they have a strange effect on two particular creatures on the planet; both go a bit silly when placed on a nice sandy beach, Humans and Dogs.  Is there a reason for this what is in both men and dogs that makes them run about on beaches digging holes and chasing balls, is the fact that a dog will see man as a god and god is in fact dog backwards significant. Could it be that we both emerged from the primitive earth’s sea millions of years ago at the same time, man throwing his first pointy stick at his prey only to have it returned by a primitive dog wagging his tail and waiting for a treat, did this lead to the hotdog (lead . . . dog . . . Hah HAHHAH ha hah ha hah ha hah ha hah hah ah ah ah ha hhhah hahah ha hah hah ha ha ha hahah ah)      

The Space Ferret, The Paddle Steamer and the Pirates of the Caribbean . . . . HAR HAR HAR

So what exciting events happened today I hear you type, well I sort of did things that I have done before really, starting with a bit of Zombie defence maintenance, it is after all important to be vigilant or they will sneak in; and before you can say Boris Karloff they are stabbing at your head with a knife and fork demanding dinner. OK yes quite a lot of them prefer spoons because lets face it the right hand, left hand, mouth coordination of a Zombie is famously RUBBISH.

After this I had a small bonfire to try and get rid of a pile of bits still lingering about from when the men with chainsaws removed the trees that were starting to get tangled up in the power lines that run over the corner of the garden. It was not really the best bonfire I have had but such is the way of bonfires, but at least all the stuff that was on it burnt even if there is still rather a large pile of more bits to burn in the future.

I then decided that after the events of yesterday where the man in the moon was eaten by a space gecko I needed to make escape plans in case the beast turns up here. So I tested the Steam Powered Steam Paddle Steamer in the pond. It was raining a bit at the time so an excellent test of the conditions I will have to face when being pursued by a space gecko, and it also gave me the opportunity to do a quick re-enactment of  Pirates of the Caribbean again . . . . .HAR HAR HAR

Shiver me timbers

Sail the Main Brace.

Lash them to the seagull and make em talk about planks? ….. (sorry Walk the Plank)

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Roast the parrot on the gibbered

More power Scotty there be a storm brewin HAR HAR

We'll have no Rhett Butler’s on this here paddle steamer, feed him to the sharks

It be gold HAR HAR

Run for your lives it’s a Space Ferret (sorry Gecko) HAR HAR HAR

Battle stations Dive Dive Dive . . . . . . . .NO hang on that’s not right

AH mum has said IDIOT.

The Apprentice Final, Lord Sugar, the BBC and Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous Steam Powered Mechanical Duck

Last night I watched The Apprentice the program on the television where that Lord Sugar is selecting a business partner and making a few pounds at the same time (he is no fool that’s for sure). Last night was the interview with the last five candidates remaining where they have to explain their business plan to several high fly business folk who pick holes in each plan and tell them they are in fact total rubbish.

As I watched it, it became very clear that in reality all five of them really did have really rubbish ideas, well OK four of them did, but the fifth was doing a sneaky and had another partner hidden behind the scenes so basically got chucked out for not playing by the rules.

It now means that the last two in the Apprentice final who are both women have ideas that I would not invest in, let alone poor old Lord S who I guess has to grit his teeth and smile… One wants to start a international baking brand which seems slightly mad (??..... Ooooo look a flying pig) and the other, non intervention cosmetic surgery or as far as I could tell, stab folks faces with needles full of stuff (I think)

So I hear you say what has this to do with me, well you see my idea for the program of mass producing Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous Steam Powered Mechanical Duck (ironically called Rob), recreated from the long lost drawing he did, to sell in its millions to the Chinese who love ducks was laughed out of the board room. Those yuppie BBC folk said my idea was futile and would bite the dust before it ever got going, although my prototype Da Vinci Steam Powered Mechanical Duck bit Lord Sugar rather than the dust during the demonstration which may have affected the final decision and I for one was not amused by being told that all Steam Powered Mechanical Duck scientists are in fact a bunch of Quacks ……………. HAH HHAHAH HAHH AH hah ah ah ha hah ah hah ah ah ha hah ah ah ah ha hah ah aahhh OK it was a bit amusing 

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Pope Frances, a seagull and the laws of gravity

Snowflakes today but more of that in a minute because I happened to be watching a bit of the news while eating some food, I know, not like the old days, but once things warm up I will eat back in the dinning room as normal. Anyway I noticed that there is a new Pope and although I got it right saying it would be a South American Pope, my money was on the Brazilian chap Pele (I think) I thought Pope Pele sounded OK. As it happens the Pope has now called himself Pope Francis, because his real name is Mario which would have lead to all sorts of problems with computer games. It would be hugely confusing to have a Pope Mario the Pope, and Mario Pope the popular computer game (available at all good online stores shortly), I will say one thing for the new Pope he smiled at least twice when he appeared in front of the masses so that’s a good start, although I did not understand a single word he said so it is just as well the dog speaks Latin. However I am sure the dog was lying when he said that the new Pope said all dogs must get fresh bones everyday to chew or else. 

I mentioned snowflakes didn't I, and I don’t want to linger on the weather but they were floating down gently from the sky during the science lesson and this lead to a discussion about gravity. You see if you drop a feather and a seagull in a vacuum at the same time they will both hit the ground at the same time despite the fact a seagull is many times heavier than a feather. If you do this experiment in air dropping them off the school roof as we did the seagull will fly away and ruin a really good experiment, so we used a goat and sure enough the goat hit the ground before the feather, it is to do with the density of the air and density of the goat.

However the teacher says that the accepted science is that gravity has the same effect on all objects and is a constant, so all objects will hit the ground at the same time regardless of weight where there is no atmosphere is in fact not true. What he says is there is a small but exponential time delay caused by inertia, so say the moon and a feather dropped at the same time would result in the feather hitting the earth before the moon did. As it happens this is an easy experiment to test because if you drop a feather it will definitely hit the Earth before the moon does, I tried the experiment with the moon and a seagull but am still waiting to record the outcome. The dog is interfering with my experiment because he has put sardines on the lawn which as far as I can tell will contaminate my results, I bet that Isaac Newton’s, mum never went and made apple pies with his apple experiment.

AH mum has said IDIOT, you see when you are at the culling (sorry cutting)  edge of science people say you are mad……..

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Pink Skies and Seagulls

Today has been sunny I mean really sunny probably the sunniest day of the year I can say this because dad is smiling as the solar panels have had their best day in months. He says it is all to do with the Steam Powered Weather Machine, and it appears we have finally found out what we need to do to make it work correctly, yes it appears that if you give dad a large plain brown envelope full of used money the weather machine will generate what ever weather you like. In fact I think it is safe to say the more money in the envelope the better the chance of it working correctly.  Dad says it known in the trade as The Inverse Law of Unscrupulous Dealings and Skulduggery TILOUDAS to those in the know.

Unfortunately for me I had a day with the Ghost Writer in his office so I could look at the seagulls.  His office has a south facing glass wall and as near as damn it no windows so it was hot very very hot and on top of that the seagulls did not turn up, OK there was the one fake seagull……  I don’t know why there were no seagulls outside the office of the Ghost Writer today (although I might have an idea) as normally there are loads of them which is odd when you think his office is about seventy miles from the sea, but they have lived there for years and years.

On the way home we did see a very pink sky apparently if you see a red sky it means that Sheppard’s are having a party or something like that although you seldom see Sheppard’s any more but you do see lots of sheep.

I think me and the ghost Writer are a bit  zombie like tonight he apparently has loads of things to do, more things to do than he has time to do them in because of the nature of technology. You see technology might be faster but it is more complex and these two things cancel themselves out, so it takes just as long to do things as it did ten years ago. Only people wish to do things faster or at least insist that the Ghost Writer should be able to set up all the technology faster which he can’t. So when he is told its OK you have 4 weeks to do a technology restructure, he stands on the roof of his office and pretends to be a seagull, I think that might be why I did not see any today he is a rubbish seagull although he did eat fish for his evening meal . . . .

I am not sure any of this makes sense tonight but I am a half zombie and it is late. . 

A Large Steam Powered Post Apocalyptic, Jekyll and Hyde Santa

Parts of Britain are not fairing well with the floods and although it has been dry today the next few days appear to be a return to more rain, just as our old mate Santa is about to turn up. Dad has built a large Steam Powered Post Apocalyptic, Jekyll and Hyde Santa for all those people who were hoping for Armageddon for Christmas. He has even filled Santa’s beard with fish paste and French fries from the takeaway to encourage flocks of seagulls to follow Santa into his fairy Grotto. Dads plan was to take his Steam Powered Post Apocalyptic, Jekyll and Hyde Santa to the out of town supermarket and offer him as an attraction but unfortunately dad was unable to get the store manager to unlock his office and most of the other store staff ran screaming in the opposite direction. Even the Steam Powered Post Apocalyptic, Jekyll and Hyde Santa’s chirpy smile and friendly ho ho ho hello and who would you like me to eat this Christmas didn’t help much. Dad did try and shout through the keyhole of the manager’s door He is great at eating left over turkey and old Christmas trees but it was drowned out by gibbering and the manager scratching at the floor tiles, trying to dig a tunnel.

Dad was planning to take the reindeer to the store with him but mum said they were too scary and looked like a pack of 30 foot high demonic werewolf’s and that the idea of converting a Trojan Space Gull into a sleigh was just plain stupid.  Dad said the public are boring and will probably sit and watch repeats of the Morecombe and Wise Show while trying to get an entire tin of chocolate into their mouths at the same time. I’m sure dad is wrong surely no one would do that  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AH 

I spent an hour yesterday doing a quick bit of recording and so if all goes to plan it will be available on line to listen to, I am still working out what does what at present with all the controls and it is all a bit basic so nothing clever just me and a drum and a harmonica and a bit of bent metal that goes boing. As I type I am also trying to work out how to get this uploaded, what I need is a clever Ghost Writer

Ok a bit basic but its a start

How the world Ended on the 21st December 2012

So here we are the 21^st Dec (AGAIN) only a few short weeks after the predicted End of the World on the 21^st December, well what a day that turned out to be  a bit of a surprise for the masses when the first cheese slices started landing across the world. Sadly my diary is not as well read as it should be; and instead of going into hiding large numbers of the population were nibbling cheese.  I think the majority of people in Britain first realized all was not as it should be when David Cameron (the Prime Minister) gave his television statement to the public directly from outside No 10, assuring them it would to be sensible not to panic. His speech was going quite well right up to the point when a huge space gull bit his head off, well that was not expected and the crowds looked shocked, only Nick Clegg seemed to perk up at the opportunity to be Prime Minister but as he stepped up to say a few words to a now bewildered and shocked public he too was plucked off the ground by a space gull and promptly swallowed. From that point onwards mankind was doomed, all that screaming and running about just attracted more Space Gulls. Luckily for us and a few friends dad had anticipated events and had built a large Trojan Space Gull in the garden which we hid in.

It was several days later that the aliens turned up who then set about turning the entire world’s population into DNA bar codes filing everyone away on hard drives. Slowly but surely working their way across the planet until almost everyone was merely a simple barcode, luckily hiding in a nesting (Trojan) Space Gull appeared to the perfect place to avoid detection.

As time passed the weather remained dull wet and cold in Britain as it tends too and the Aliens started to get sore throats, cough and show signs of Man Flu, then they all took to their spacecraft and were heard groaning. From the safety of our Trojan Space Gull we could see several of them staring out of the windows of their space craft looking like Alien Zombies complaining about the cold wet dull weather and Man Flu (apparently the worst illness in the universe). The next thing was they were off; gone; vanished, along with the Space gulls, who by then had eaten all the huge intergalactic cheese slices and French Fries in McDonalds. We waited a few more days but it was safe to leave the Trojan Space Gull then.

Luckily for all of you three things were working to the worlds and your advantage.

1 The aliens appear to all be men and therefore rather more susceptible to Man Flu

2 The hard drives with the world’s populations Barcoded DNA were safe, as they had been accidently left behind by an Alien with Man Flu who had well sort of lost the plot and returned to his spacecraft to go to bed, but left all the important stuff outside.

3 The Ghost Writer was alive and well and hiding in the Trojan Space Gull with us. As you know the Ghost Writer is a genius at IT, and many other things, so he quickly worked out how to reverse the process and return people back to a state of being people again. Well almost as I'm afraid you are all virtual people living in a virtual world created from the networked memory of your barcodes so although it may not feel like it I am afraid you are all living in the hard drive of an old Dell computer under the bench in an orange room which has had the date turned back to the 21^st Dec for you to avoid confusion and keep continuity.

 So there we go the world did end for most of you but of course you don’t know that it did because you are in a new virtual world inside an old Dell computer so as long as I don’t press this little button you are fine . . . . . . . . . . . . .AH . . . . .DAMN sorry about that everyone, I will go and have a word with the Ghost Writer

The Ghost Writer says  . . . .IDIOT.

End of the World Blogfest thing

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The End of the World, Christmas, Aliens, spacegulls, cheese and a homemade Christmas chandelier

As you all know there are two events due fairly soon and I have been discussing both of them in my diary as I prepare. And so far  Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy, Captain Nessman of the High Seas and Mr H have all in there own way influenced my own thoughts on one of these . . . . . . . Yes The End of the World. Well today it is the turn of Mr ESB (A chemist and grower of pineapples who lives roughly at the top of Snowdon (the mountain not the Lord) but in Texas. I add part of our conversation here to make you all see where my powers of logic have led me in anticipating the form of the End of the World

Mr ESB 8 December 2012 13:42

I am not sure how weLL birds share food, as I have neVer eXperimented with them. I did once do an eXperiment with sliced cheese as an outdoor material of construction. I placed several slices on the horizontal top side of an old T shaped pipe clothesline pole. The cheese got veRy hard and lasted several weeks. Ants would crawl around on it eXploring and eXpiring. For some reason ants died on the cheese. Soon the ants stopped coming near the cheese of death and did not even attempt to rescue their faLLen comrades. I would do the eXperiment again, but I didn't want to accidentaLLy kiLL any ants.

ME 8 December 2012 15:13

I am interested to hear your story of the cheese and the ants as I have never heard that before. Why would cheese have this effect on ants or is it something to do with cheese slices in particular rather than a traditionally made cheese. I like cheese a lot but if I was put on a cheese slice that was proportionally equal in ratio to that of the ant and a standard cheese slice, would I die... Maybe the End of the World will be the result of huge cheese slices falling to Earth from space, which is certainly something most people would not be expecting. As part of an Alien invasion it would be very effective as the element of surprise is a key factor in any battle.

Now I think we can all see that all the parts are coming together . . . yesterday we had Yod; Yod is almost certainly a cheese term or my names not Rob. Then there were the Huge Space Gulls and it is a well know fact that gulls like cheese and as we have rightly worked out that Space Gulls must be huge, really huge. So to attract the huge Space Gulls what you need is huge cheese slices, the result of which is us humans die on the cheese slices or are crushed underneath then they are in turn eaten by the Space Gulls leaving the planet to be invaded by aliens. SO if you see large slices of cheese falling out of the sky they are not a present from Santa, they are a part of an evil plan from aliens to destroy us all.

In other news Man Flu continues to mess with my head and so I have kept the day simple and started to prepare for the other big event, Christmas so I created a homemade Christmas chandelier that will match the Christmas tree and other décor as there is a chance that Christmas may arrive before the End of the World. Thanks to Mr H it appears that there is a built in error of 300 years and twenty one days due to various powers that be in the past messing with the calendar. You see you can’t even trust a calendar these days….

Ooooo I think I saw a large cheese slice fall out of the sky today I even got a picture which I will add later (to FB) or below on the blog

You can see that passing through the atmosphere has started to melt the cheese slice