Thursday, 30 June 2011

The public sector strike and the private sector foam mattresses.

It was the big teachers strike today only none of them were on strike in our little town. It all has to do with the public sector workers who are a bit worried they will not be allowed to retire until they are very old and knarred and grumpy. And then when they do retire they will not be able to go off to chill by the sea in the summer and stuff like that, and might have to eat gruel.

But the private sector workers say it is not fair because most in that sector never have pensions in the first place because they never think about it until it’s too late. So they already have to retire when they are very old and knackered and grumpy and survive by living in the doorways of public buildings like libraries and police stations and scavenging from the dustbins of dustmen and teachers. Dad said it’s a funny old world when I got home from school, but as mum says it’s the fact that everyone is old is the problem. She also said if I don’t change the subject soon the nice Mr Steven Spielberg will be making a block buster movie all about politics and we all know what happens to them (the movies not the politics). To tell the truth I don’t remember what happens to them, I can only think of one and it’s really old and out of date a bit;  much like the public workers think is going to happen to them (well will happen to them but best not to tell them yet).

On the way home while waiting outside a shop in town a man said to me do you know anyone who wants to buy some memory foam mattresses we have in the van as we have brought too many with us for the hotel and well we don’t want to take them back do we Nudge nudge say no more. Mum recons he must be a private sector worker with no pension trying to earn an honest crust. I did say to mum it didn’t sound very honest but mum said IDIOT ………. NOT FAIR.  Dad said I should have asked how much they were but mum threw the armadillo toast at him, she hasn’t done that for ages now.  

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

The pylon protest, the pylon, the physics teacher and the mind ray..

Because there is a big meeting today in the Smithfield (The Cattle Market) about Pylons with Powys County Council and all the protesters and some sheep and a few cows who were hiding in the cupboards from the cattle sale on Monday. The physics teacher is making us make a scale model of a pylon and is teaching us some Structural Engineering.

He says it is good to be topical and thinks that if we understand the internal dynamic stresses in the steel and how heat and cross winds interact with these dynamic stresses to create fluctuating loads on the structure. We will then come to like pylons and think of them as cosy friendly giants in the countryside. He went off to one of the protest meetings once with a flyer to explain all this and said we should all hug a pylon but they all shouted BURN THE WITCH so he had to run away rather fast. Pirate Pete did try to hug a pylon having read his flyer but he hugged the wrong bit so his hair got a bit singed and his eyes glowed for a while.

Anyway I think the teacher had read my notes on making pylons in the shape of interesting things in the past, so he said the class should come up with something new and inspiring so that he can cover the world in pylons and cables and rule everyone as the great emperor of all things. Covering the world in light and mind bending rays that would turn all into mere puppets programmed to obey his every whim. He had a little sit down then and said he would be alright in a minute.

So the class made a half scale model of a Headmaster Pylon, with the headmaster holding his famous large club of punishment with the sharp pointy bits in the end which he uses to club the first years with when they get their spelling test wrong. It might sound a bit cruel but the school has the best spellers in the area. And although at times mine might look a bit bad you should see the other schools; their rubbish.

We did have to remove part of the roof to finish the model because it stands seventy five feet tall ,the physics teacher is well impressed and says it is not only a good likeness but would withstand the one hundred year storm. Which is just as well as The Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine still predicts one in the autumn. The physics teacher is also rather pleased we have given the Headmaster Pylon a mortarboard hat thing on his head as he says it will be a perfect platform for the mind ray he is working on.

Still generally it was a very quiet and sunny day in Mid-Wales and all is well sort of. I haven’t seen the pylon protesters yet so you never know. And the pylon protesters have not seen the pylon emerging out of the school roof yet with the mind ray on it. Mum said the Physics teacher has not been the same since he invested his savings in Scottish Power in order to be able to retire early and said that he might be clever but he was an IDIOT

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

The four housemen of the apocalypse and the egg and spoon race

It was sports day at school today, yes sadly we have come to the point in the year where we do silly things at school to try and keep us all amused before we all get the summer holidays off so we can go and do exciting things in the big world.

It is traditional on sports day for the parents to do the egg and spoon race. Napoleon Beelzebub supplied the eggs and the spoons this year because Mr Chambers who normally supplies them was cheating and super gluing an egg to a spoon for an undisclosed sum of money in a plain brown envelope for a particular parent who has won the cup four years on the run.  Anyway Mr Beelzebub supplied Ostrich eggs and ceremonial stone spoons from an ancient Madagascan tribe. It made the egg and spoons combined weight thirty pounds so they were a little on the heavy side. The headmaster didn’t have the heart to tell Napoleon Beelzebub they were not ideal and no one else liked so say anything either, Mr Beelzebub is not someone to upset and has the reputation of being a bit fiery. Mum did tell him once he was an IDIOT but she is allowed too for reasons I might explain in the future if I think of something really good.

Miss Fiona came forth in the parent’s egg and spoon race but only because I am led to believe the first three were on drugs. The headmaster deduced this from the fact they were able to lift the egg and spoon up with one hand. Miss Fiona only managed to pick them up by using an old yoga trick often used in the Himalaya’s by Buddhist monks in the fourteenth century during the period each year known as the end of eternal enlightenment when they hold the inter-monastery sports day.

Apparently the reason Nelson Beelzebub supplied the ostrich eggs and stone spoons for the parents race is someone annoyed him this morning by trying to paint the front of his shop, Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop in a nice rainbow pattern. They said the mural of the four housemen of the apocalypse was upsetting the punters in the bookies opposite. But as mum says it is rather apt when you have just lost all your money on the three thirty at Chester that you should have a small reminder of the folly of gambling on the way out, not a rainbow with an elusive pot of gold at the end.

Monday, 27 June 2011

Sherlock Holmes and the case of the Wimbledon Sacrifice

Well after no sighting of the CIA MI6 or the FBI for a few days either dressed as pirates or well known detectives fifteen Sherlock Holmes and eight Dr Watsons turned up at our house while I was at school today. They were wearing false wooden legs dark designer sun glasses and were saying things like the eagle follows the trawler when it is hot in Moscow, HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR

I was at school but mum said they were all idiots and the dog fell about laughing for a while and gnawed the false leg of one of the spies. When I say false leg it was false in as much as the spies had two legs not one so didn’t need a wooden leg, not like Pirate Pete with his two steam powered bionic false legs. They wanted to look in my bedroom and my posh cylindrical copper office den in the garden saying they were on an important case chasing the mad Professor Moriarty who was dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean films and he was planning to steal many things of national importance to the countries security. Mum did ask what they were but apparently because of national security they couldn’t tell her. For some reason best know to himself though Rusty the Robot Dog thought they were postmen and as I have pointed out before he attacks postmen, so he did.

Then the dog joined in too and Captain Flint the Parrot, he has history with Sherlock Holmes so that was not really a surprise. Mum left them to it on the grounds that the Spies (Sherlock Holmes and Watson, all of them) were up to no good. After quite a lot of screaming however it all went quiet and they all vanished, except the dogs who were well worn out so it saved her taking them for an afternoon walk.  

It was well hot at school today a bit like a sauna really but I think that might have happened when I accidently cut a steam pipe in half.  What was annoying was it was hot right up to the point I got off the school bus in the main square to walk home them it pored with rain, It is all to do with the tennis at Wimbledon as it rains every year when that’s on. Rain is an old British tradition and requires a sacrifice each year in the form a British hopes of winning anything. It seems to work we never win and it always rains. A few years ago they had to arrest someone for singing in the rain and scaring all the tennis players so they have banned singing now.

Dam it things never go as planned this internet thing is a right game and typing with a cat sat on the keyboard is nor easy

Sunday, 26 June 2011

The Ghost of Steven Spielberg and Edward TwiggyHands

Me and the dogs went to the woods today. It is getting increasingly rare to see anyone there; mum and dad say it’s to do with the Screeching Banshees, the low Growl of the Dark Creature of the Undergrowth and the ghost of Steven Spielberg. Who is trying to make a little alien robot out of twigs and stuff?

Not easy when you’re a ghost as he can’t pick anything up. The banshee’s are trying to help but they are not very practically minded, as they say themselves they are banshee’s and are meant to be demented souls so carving small mechanical bits from twigs is not really their cup of tea. Even a cup of tea is not their cup of tea, so I don’t think I’ll be a banshee when I get older as I like tea (with loads of milk and sugar YUM).  The dog made the mistake of asking the Ghost of Steven Spielberg what he was planning to call his little alien robot to which he replied Edward Twiggyhands or ET for short. Well that was the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog both in hysterics rolling about on their backs, so I had to apologise and take them home (The dogs not the twigs). 

At home I thought I would use our weed killing spray machine to spray some of the weeds to death (I know it’s not nice but it has to be done), but the spray was dead. Dad thinks some of the weeds have sneaked in and sabotaged it a bit like Triffids. Mum said IDIOT but I said to mum that she was wrong because it would be a really clever weed to be able to sabotage a weed killing machine but she said IDIOT again. It appears I got the wrong end of the stick yet again or as the dog put it before he spent the next half an hour on his back laughing the wrong end of the Edward Twiggyhands.

I am planning to go and watch Top Gear next door with Mr Jenkins tonight as it is a new series and I like Top Gear.

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Rain and the three hundred foot long worms and stuff

What a wet start to the day. It was wet very wet, but we live on a hill in our little town (village) on the borders of Mid-Wales so all is OK; tonight is yet another preview for another exhibition at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop, the weather is due to be nice and sunny??? But we will see.
 All my hard work to make the blog look nice has ended in the blog having no visitors so I think this just goes to show my skill at such things is rubbish. Mum has said IDIOT. I will have to keep my efforts to defeating wild mutant monsters, mad ghosts, three hundred foot long electric worms that have started to eat elderly allotment holders (rumour has it that it is a cunning plan by the government to reduce the pension’s bill). And Nano-Penguins.

 I noticed on the wireless, the man from the news said that vegetable seeds are responsible for more sick people in France now. No doubt the Group of Doom will make comments about such things but I think I might just stick to eating Bacon Butties and chips, best to remain safe and avoid all these unhealthy foods like vegetables

I appear to have three frogs watching me through the window as I write my diary.
there are only two here but the third leap off the ladder.
Please click on the picture for more information on Frogs ...... and stuff 

Friday, 24 June 2011

10,000 mutant alien dishwasher zombies wearing rubber gloves

A quiet day, me and the dog went off to see the Ghost of Steven Spielberg after school to find out if all was going to return to normal. But the ghost said he had made a bit of a mistake. It appears that dad’s dishwasher was in fact the only one that was safe because the pot noodle remains had killed all the mutant bacteria and it was now too late.
Then as we walked home we were chased by 10,000 mutant alien dishwasher zombies wearing rubber gloves and throwing dishwasher tablets at us. We barricaded ourselves into the house and mum, dad, the dog, Rusty the Robot Dog, Captain Flint, the cats and Mr and Mrs Jenkins and me had a long battle to save the world. We saved the world but it is raining now and the dog said it was a bit like in Lord of the Rings where thousands of mutant things attack three small people, but are defeated and loose only it is sunny there not raining.   Still this is Wales, we love rain?

Thursday, 23 June 2011

The Ghost of Steven Spielberg

At school the English teacher was making us write ghost stories so I wrote about the headless teacher who roams the corridors of the domestic science department forever tormented my the fact it cant eat fairy cakes. But several of the class wrote about a ghost in the big wood who wears a suit has glasses and grey hair and hums the music to Close Encounters of the Third Kind. 
They all said it was true and had seen it. The ghost was wearing a bow tie which is odd for a ghost and had a grey beard. They had also heard wild screeching like banshee’s and low thundery noises from the undergrowth so they were never going into the woods again.

After school me, the dog, and Rusty the Robot Dog went to the wood to find the ghost. We met the Banshee’s and apparently the wild screeching like banshees was the Banshee’s. They told us they too had seen the ghost and it was in fact The Ghost of Steven Spielberg projected from the future back to now due to Mr Spielberg’s special effects knowledge. He is keen to meet us and tell us about a problem from the future. Once we reached the clearing near the centre of the wood we saw the Ghost of Steven Spielberg sitting on a log humming "We All Live in a Yellow Submarine", the dog says it is easy to get that mixed up with the" Close Encounters of the Third Kind" music. The ghost then told us of the future and a race of mutant alien creatures which rapidly developed from a particular dish washer, used to clean pot noodle contains, once a month. So the ghost from the future asked if we could destroy it with dads flame thrower….. We said yes. Strangely; the dishwasher was in dads workshop and  mum has always said pot noodles pots are a bit dodgy once they have been sat inside a dishwasher for almost a month. So I guess it is hardly surprising therefore strange things are evolving in it.

It started to get dark then and the low growl of the Dark Creature of the Undergrowth slowly got louder which resulted in the sudden disappearance of The Ghost of Steven Spielberg who is frightened of the dark, something of a handicap if you’re a ghost.

Once we got home me, the dog, and the Rusty the Robot Dog torched the dishwasher in dad’s workshop with dad’s flame thrower; dad was not happy but we said it was full of Mutant Alien Pot Noodle but dad was still not happy because he said he has never tried that flavour before but mum said IDIOT.  We did say it was the ghost of Steven Spielberg told us to do it but mum said idiots again.

I was thinking after all the flames calmed down, (apparently wooden framed building and flame throwers are a bad mix). I should have asked about what he thought of my Manuscript and if the block buster movie was a block buster or not.

I was told what ever happens don’t mention the school bus today. AH Sorry.

Thank you for the catalyst for tonight plot Miss Fiona

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Captain Nessman and the restless spirit

Well even while writing my diary little anomalies occur and fate takes a hand. I was trying to make my blog look posh last night and sort out one or two things anyway it crashed and the result was my postcard from Captain Nessman of the high seas ended up as the latest post out of sequence. Then today it appears my friend Captain Nessman has suddenly set sail again.
He does this from time to time; he has a restless spirit and will head off into the night from time to time without warning.  He is a very clever man now (officially) and was given a letter from his university to say he was the best Captain of a sea fairing vessel they had ever taught. So now he is off at sea with his trusty crew and cats on adventures new. We can only hope he will return soon to tell us tales of sea serpents and treasure. Pirate Pete and Captain Flint are a bit upset as they said they would have gone too but mum said Captain Flint the Parrot is far to old now (at least 500 years and Pirate Pete’s legs go rusty if he spends to much time at sea, and he no longer floats so it would not be safe.  Pirate Pete says he laughs in the face of safety and only last week he was standing on an electricity substation with a placard saying HELLO MUM as part of the electricity protest laughing in the face of the health and safety man.

 Pirate Pete is under the impression the local protesters are against electricity and want to bring back steam power, dad said he will join that movement too they both rather like steam, but its not good for my diary, a steam computer is huge. Dad built one once that could count to twenty two but it fell through the floor into the cellar when it got as far as fifteen.

 Sooty the cat is almost normal now and has stopped making so much noise, Heavy Harry the Cat has started to catch baby rabbits and eat them YUK, he does this at this time of year and gets told off but he sneaks round the back of the house and hides from us. The dog is contemplating writing his life story on the grounds that my diary is rubbish and a dog could do better. And Rusty the Robot Dog is pretending to be Fred Astaire and has dressed Fluffy the Cat (Mr Jenkins cat) as Ginger Rogers. Not sure Mr Jenkins will appreciate the fact his white cat has been dyed ginger.

Another link of interest

Well I am adding another link to another item I like. So I hope you do too, it has been watched now by most of the worlds population with access to the internet so most people like it. It is a bit like Sooty only Sooty makes more noise

The picture by the way is Kay from the cover of an album made many moons ago by the Ghost Writer in another life called "The Album of Dark Tales and Blues"   and is now only available in Napoleon Beelzebub's Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop in our little town on request.

And I bet you thought it was not a real shop 

A Postcard from the legendary Captain Nessman of the high seas

I was doing some stuff and for reasons I dont understand this is now back at the top of the pile again. I dont mind but I dont know why maybe there is some sort of time warp thing going on; anyway I am very sorry about this if you read the original posting

I love to boogie .................. click on Picture for link

You will notice the picture post card received from the  legendary Captain Nessman of the high seas buccaneer and adventurer. He has sent a message to say how he is getting on while sailing the seven seas on his quest for treasure and the fabled book of all enlightenment. It is meant to be a big book with lettering in gold leaf and a big chunky lock and can only be opened by those who hold the key of truth.

Anyway Captain Nessman’s post card reads as follows:-

Hello Robbie

HAR HAR HAR my old sea dog, hows the dog HAR HAR HAR I be heading for shelter for a few days as storms are brewin and the crew don’t trust me out at sea in them anymore after my night in the tavern when me and Captain Gore had a fight after he said I was a hot head HAR HAR HAR.  Anyway we set sail and became becalmed in the tropical sun with nay water for two weeks so I made ye crew walk the plank HAR HAR. They say we’re all cursed by Captain Gore now HAR HAR; anyway enough of this. I am lookin for that book you kindly mentioned above HAR HAR and one day I’ll find it HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR. Be good remember to do your homework and I’ll see thee in the Block buster movie.

Ps Remember to give Captain Flint the Parrot a Brazil Nut from me HAR HAR

Captain Nessman

I took my postcard to school to show the geography teacher to see if he knew where it was taken. At first he thought it was the island in the lake in the park taken from the other side but then he had a change of thought and said it is the old pirate island of Antikythira. When I got home and told the dog he said well its all Greek to me and fell about laughing again. Mum and dad have said that it is important to add some nice locations into the story so when they do make the block buster movie we can all go globe trotting, I am not sure I like the trotting maybe we could just walk. I asked mum but she said …………………… guess what

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

the master criminals, the kidnap and the SAS

Well I was up nice and early today so planned to have a leisurely walk to the bus for school only I was kidnapped and thrown into the back of some odd looking car and driven to Ystradgynlais in south Wales where I was then thrown into a small room full of computers. At first I thought in might be the FBI and MI6 but they said they were master criminals who were holding me for ransom.
As it turned out they were not very good master criminals because they made several errors firstly they forgot to check if I had a mobile phone which I did. And mum and dad had me fitted with a tracking device when I was a baby because the dog kept selling me for dog biscuits in the shopping centre so they needed to be able to track me down again.  And because dad is a friend of Benny Neckbender, and Benny knows every master criminal so when dad phoned him he told dad who they were and said they were rubbish. And because I was locked in a room full of computers the ghost writer was able to tell dad which room it was, the ghost writer knows all about computers in small rooms.

 So by about half past three in the afternoon dad, the dog, Rusty the Robot Dog  and Captain Flint the Parrot were all ready to raid the building in Ystradgynlais only as it happened an elite squad of SAS were passing and were wondering what was going on so they raided the building with stun grenades and CS gas and machine guns. The master criminals were a bit surprised and run off well limped off very fast screaming and coughing.  So by four o’clock I was heading back home in the back of a car so my diary is a bit late because I needed lots of food as they didn’t feed me all day.

Tiggy Booth-jones                   Wow Rob, sounds as if you have had quite an exciting day!!

 Well I was stuck in a room full of computers and no food.

 Tiggy Booth-jones                   Wot, no food .... and a room full of computers, and you such a young and impressionable lad ......surprised such news did not hit the News at Ten .... all we got was Carwyn Jones droning on.

Monday, 20 June 2011

The Music Teacher and the Cobra

There have been a number of sightings of fictional private detectives etc over the weekend. At first it was thought it was Mr Perkins the Mathematics teacher who likes to wear a deerstalker and has a big curly pipe which he points at people. Every lesson this year he has insisted that Harry Watson says to him What kind of maths are we doing today sir to which he says Elementary my dear Watson

Yes I know, I can hear you all moaning and complaining about yet another bad joke. Not like that Harry Potter he is rubbish at bad jokes as I’ve said in the past. Anyway you are distracting me again now

I have asked the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine about the stories of Pirates and private detectives and it said they are in fact the CIA, MI6 and FBI  who have been monitoring my diary on the internet in my blog. I mentioned that myself I think. Anyway they are having another attempt and obtaining some of my more interesting items for investigation such as the Einstein Cube. They think by pretending to be pirates they will be able to infiltrate the inner sanction of our home much as Pirate Pete has.

I have never tried snake charming in school before the music teacher thinks that we all need an incentive to learn the recorder properly. She says that in all the years she has been teaching everyone has been rubbish. So in order to improve our standard if we don’t play very well the Cobra will bite us and we will all die. This might explain what the headmaster was talking about in assembly the other day when the music teacher was off sick; he said she was under a lot of strain as a result of thirty years of stress caused by pupils making an awful screeching din. Apparently it’s where the Americans got the idea of playing loud music to prisoners for days on end from. It is an effective form of torture on everyone except ex-music teachers.

After school I walked home because it was still sunny despite what the man on the wireless told me this morning, and I met Miss Marple only she had a patch over one eye and a pair of designer dark sun glasses on and was saying HAR HAR HAR ROGER AND OUT.

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Sticky air, heavy gravity and twenty minutes in time.....

Well what can I say it has been one of those days today? I did try and do things only I think the air must be sticky today and the forces of gravity higher than normal because we all thought the same. Sort of Phew what’s the time and we all looked at the clock and it said 1:00 pm them hours later having forced our bodies and mind to do things we all look at the clock and it says 1:10 pm WHAT?
We kept doing it and time just slowly ground to a stop in the end dad said he’d had enough and got his flame thrower and torched the clock. Mum was not entirely happy and said IDIOT and made him spend the rest of the afternoon painting the wall again once he had chiselled the remains of the clock off the wall.

The dog and Rusty the Robot dog decided they would be on guard duty today well from 1:15 pm because they said they have seen a pirate in the garden hiding in the shrubs and it was not Pirate Pete who was playing chess with Captain Flint the Parrot, only Captain Flint got the queen and his Brazil nut mixed up and the game sort of got confused. Mind you a pirate and a parrot playing chess using the old Caribbean Offshore Rules is fairly confusing anyway.

Anyway it may be we have pirates in the garden again not sure why yet (I’ll think of something) but it is a bit of a worry. According to the dog he was disguised as  Hercule Poirot, I am not sure whether to believe him or not because he might be just winding up the corporate sponsors who said they will not supply him with free Coca Cola again because five gallons a day is excessive even for a dag. The sponsors are also saying the diary might be OK for a book but they need more action or instead of an action packed thriller full a death defying stunts and cliff hanger moments where we all might die. They will end up with a drama of family life in an old worldly street in a small town in Mid – Wales. They have even implied they might sign a contract with Nelson Beelzebub for the film rights to Nelson Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop, mum said IDIOTS because it is never a good idea to sign a contract with Mr Beelzebub.
 OK what’s the time 1:20 pm. I think today might last a long time if it has to do the whole twenty four hours I might use the Einstein Cube and take a short cut.   

A little test run

Please click on the pic for the TIGER LILIES

I am playing with stuff and am adding some of my favourite music and things from the internet to make my blog a bit more interesting as everyone is running away.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

A tale of cats and dogs but no rain

Saturday and all is well, the sun shines the birds sing in the big tree Sooty the Cat is learning how to play as it has now been warned that due to two rather large vets bills it is now expected to be a cute playful kitten. Heavy Harry still hates Sooty the Cat, he was more than happy being the only cat in the house and now he has to share food and cosy places to sleep with a small bouncy cat.
 Heavy Harry is at least four time bigger and will beat up Sooty the Cat in passing just to show it who is boss, Sooty is stupid however and will run up to Heavy Harry to be friends but gets hissed at and then thumped.

The dog says this is classic cat and dogs don’t act like that as him and Rusty the Robot Dog are great friends, but I did point out Rusty is a robot and the dog helped to make him so it was not entirely the same thing. The dog thinks these are minor points and pointed out that Fluffy Mr Jenkins cat has been on the roof again singing that song again (Tiptoe through the Tulips) and tap dancing, and dogs don’t do that. That is true but the dog and Rusty the Robot dog spent the morning head-banging and playing air guitar to AC\DC in the garden, and were told off for having their ghetto-blaster on too loud.

Captain Flint the Parrot is a bit unhappy at present and says due to the corporate sponsors he is very inactive and getting covered in spiders webs and according to his mate in the pet shop a parakeet called Hannibal (so called due to his habit of eating certain bits of the hamsters) it is not pirates that Steven Spielberg does not like it’s Poirot’s as in Hercule Poirot, there do seem to be a lot of them about. He says it’s a typographical error and we have loads of them here that’s for sure.

Friday, 17 June 2011

A deep fried spicy squid and mash potato sandwich with roast cashew nuts and marsh mallows

The little town we live in is a sort of tourist town, I say sort of because it is not the full on kiss me quick hat and candy floss sort of town (candy floss YUM).  But the tourists have taken to arriving in little packs or herds or what ever the plural is for a group of tourists. This week the town is a ghost town, not to be confused with the ghost writer.
But then after school I had to go to the out of town supermarket with mum and dad and Rusty the Robot Dog who they can’t ban because he’s a robot. And because he has six legs if they say he is a dog dad points out it has six legs and dogs don’t have six legs so he is an insect and they haven’t banned insects.

The supermarket was crowded, and as usual once the general public are given a supermarket trolley they because possessed by the devil (admittedly much to the pleasure of Nelson Beelzebub who has often told me it’s his best invention to date). I think it didn’t help the fact it is Friday afternoon and the masses feel they must stock up on food just in case the end of the world arrives.  We met the ghost writer he too was getting very stressed by it all and so both the ghost writer and dad ran up and down the aisles shouting it’s the end of the world, mum said IDIOTS but it did have the effect of emptying the supermarket somewhat. It’s strange because something like that seems to happen most time we go there.

Anyway although the supermarket is like a sardine tin with all the people, the town is very quiet and all the shops say it’s a very odd year for customers. I have never quite worked out why it is a good idea to have all the shops out of town in the first place surely it makes more sense to have shops in a town; like Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. But apparently the general public don’t like quirky individual shops and they like all the shops to be the same so a deep fried spicy squid and mash potato sandwich with roast cashew nuts and marsh mallows must look identical in every shop in Europe. As it happens they do as it is only served in Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café with chips and sausage pie as a side dish.

One day dad says the multinational branded bland, every shop looking the same will crumble like the Roman empire (I think they were a cinema chain in the fifties) and the individual will once again rule. Dad was standing on a freezer cabinet in the supermarket when he made that speech and although Rusty the Dog, the ghost writer, and two little old ladies cheered we were thrown out and we went home and mum said IDIOT.

Paul Nessman               Is the world ending again? I didn't know about the last one until the day it was supposed to have occurred. Good thing too, because if I live one day like it is my last then I might do something that I regret.

Fiona Knight                If it is soon to be the end then perhaps we should try becoming part of a gawk of tourists.

Well a gawk of tourists is rather good Miss Fionaski famous Russian spy, fixer of complex electronics and keeper of the Lynx (the animal not the mans Antiperspirant spray) although I have heard they might smell the same. And Captain Nessman I am sure even on the last day of the world you would do nothing too mad because you must look after your cats. Maybe some extra treats as the diet is less important at the end of the world.

Paul Nessman                You mean I should wait to give extra treats?...oops. Miss Fiona, congratulations on your apparent promotion...or is that top secret?

It is top secret about Miss Fionaski but as the Russians and Ukrainians are quite keen on reading the blog and the FBI and MI6 read my facebook page so it is best not to tell them. I forget sometimes and mum throws the armadillo toaster at me. And cats do have the ability to extract treats out of humans, not sure how they do that.....

So the trick is dont mess with stuff

I am trying to work out how this blog thing works. Really I am sure it should be easy but its got me beat anyway somehow I have last the Russians and the Ukrainians. I know we are not very good at geography in the UK but Russia is quite big and not the sort of place I should loose.  Anyway the blog might be a bit quiet for a while because I might has messed things a bit. Very sorry about that I think I could be told off by the corporate sponsors if they find out which they shouldn’t as long as I don’t mention it…….AH.

Thursday, 16 June 2011

The missing item found and other news of no importance

The ghost writer is quite pleased because today he found his missing items. He had put them safe in a small zip up pocket inside another pocket in a bag that he keeps safe in a locked box in a draw of a desk which is also locked in a room where he keeps things that need to be kept safe so he locks the room. The room is full of stuff because he says you never know when you might need things.
Anyway it is all very well keeping everything safe but as he has found out it can sometimes be very difficult to find one particular item especially when it appears he has two or three safe places and is not sure what is in what place. He is a bit like a squirrel that puts his winter food in several safe places only to forget where half of them are. 

Last nights drumming was good and it was nice and noisy, always a good sign that all is well with the group., and I did get to have a little blast on the guitar. The rest of the group say it would be really good if I could actually play something but I quite like all the noise and feedback, Dad taught me to do that on the his white Fender Strat with the burnt top which he has had for a very long time. He said his mate Jimmy torched it but he was allowed too because he was quite good at playing it. Luckily it is left hand strung because I’m left handed like dad and dads mate Jimmy.

Mum was having car problems today too, the Lamborghini wouldn’t start so I hot wired it, I haven’t done that for ages. On the wireless this morning a man said it was now impossible to hot wire a modern car, I didn’t know that which is probably why I can still do it. Although now I know maybe I will not be able to any more NOT FAIR sometimes you hear things on the wireless and it can play tricks with the mind.

Sooty the Cat is still rather noisy and will be going to the vets first thing in the morning to have stitches out and Jabs and sadly the headmaster found 7G’s tunnel today and it has now been filled with fifty eight tons of reinforced concrete. The leaders of the tunnel committee were told off but they say no one has seen Sammy since it was filled in so the headmaster says it is best not to mention the tunnel ever again and gave them all fish and chips.

And finally Ian the Musical Hat Maker is recovering extremely well from his new knee operation and no longer runs round in circles, mum says this may be a disadvantage as we all run round in circles in life, it is what we do.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

The Giant Steam Powered Bacteria

Quiet day at school today just Entomology, an experiment in Biology where we worked on a new designer bacteria to eat and breakdown thermoplastics while producing large quantities of propane gas so that the chemistry teacher can win a Nobel Prize for his work on the environment. And we played algebraic Hop-Scotch in Maths because the maths teacher likes jumping about in the sun.
So we all jumped about shouting AB squared equals C plus D, although the game got a bit confused when Frank stood on his own fingers and ruined the maths teachers equation, so that in the end B equalled six and two and two made five (again)

When I got home after school mum and dad were sorting the recycling out, dad says in the old days we had a big steel bin and everything got thrown in that it was great and as long as the bin lid fitted back on; the dustbin men would throw it on the wagon. Not now we have different coloured boxes and bags to take tin cans, aluminium cans, plastic types 1 and 2, plastic types 7 and 9, other plastics, milk bottle tops only, cardboard and magazines, white paper, coloured paper, glass separated by colour, and various other things like food waste but not garden waste as we have to take that to the local recycling point ourselves. Then anything left over we can throw in the waste bin and you are not allowed to cheat because the council have bin police who every now and again come and check your bin to ensure you don’t throw the wrong things out and fine you if you do.

Dad says it would be OK except that you have to wash all the bottles and tins out and he says we are using more resources making the recycling clean that we the energy we save by recycling it all. I told dad about our experiments in Biology to create a bacteria to eat all the recycling although it is not very effective yet as the teacher recons it will take twenty eight years for the bacteria to eat a milk bottle. Dad and Pirate Pete plus the dog and Rusty the dog have decided to make a steam powered giant bacteria that will eat everything in five minutes so the dog is doing all the calculations and dad has fired up the welding equipment. Pirate Pete has decided to it carve it a huge monstrous face in oak with titanium teeth and glowing eyes. And Rusty the dog is making it a tee shirt that says Bacteria have feelings too.

I have asked mum if she thinks their plan is likely to work but she said they were IDIOTS; luckily I am off drumming with my friends tonight I might even take a guitar so I can be noisy.      

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Monty the Lynx

I heard on the wireless that the use of facebook is rapidly falling in the counties where it is well established and that the general public loose interest after a relatively short time. GOSH I am shocked loose interest when so much happens on my wall. And I thought I was doing such a good job, just goes to show the public are very fickle and my life is not very exciting. What will Steven Spielberg and the corporate sponsor’s think of this devastating news about facebook will the people of the blog come to my rescue bearing in mind tonight you are gaining the added bonus comments that will not appear on facebook in its entirety because if I did  all my friends on facebook  would shout at me and say things like ROBBIE stop it we cant stand all the words they are hurting our ears and eyes and other bits although not our noses.

By the way I have included a picture of the Lynx my friend Miss Fiona used to look after at home from time to time for a friend, a long time ago. The first Lynx (called Monty) I have heard of in Mid-Wales and the first one I have heard of living in a nice little house near the sea. I only found out as a result of telling her about Miss Vicky and her Buzzard encounter on the road.

The Proof Reader and the Buzzard

Miss Fiona came to see us today, we often see Miss Fiona on Tuesdays, me and dad think it must be one of mum’s shy operations where they do spy things although they say to us IDIOTS but we think that’s a cunning plan to fool us. I tried to show Sooty the Cat to Miss Fiona but he can get spooked a bit by people so he ran up my neck and over my head…. OOOOuuuuWWWWW.

Then on my way to school I bumped into my professional Proof reader who has to sort out all the mistakes in the paper manuscript that the ghost writer makes (he’s rubbish). I showed her my decimated, well badly scratched neck. The proof reader has had a couple of interesting weeks with animals also, firstly she found a poorly Badger in her garden shed a few weeks ago which the RSPCA saved and returned to her to let go once it was well, about a week or so ago. Then apparently yesterday she had to stop her car because a Buzzard was sat in the middle of the road with what appeared to be a damaged wing. So she scooped it up in her coat and put it in the car to take to the vets, only it tried to escape out of the coat. So although Miss Vicky is a very good proof reader she finds it very difficult to drive with a Buzzard flapping about loose in the car. So she stopped the car scooped the Buzzard up in her coat again a put it a grassy field where it promptly sat up hopped about a bit then flew off.

I did say these things come in three’s because I am told they do although I don’t know why so after what started with a Badger then a Buzzard needed a third B animal to prove this, and when Miss Vicky got home she said she had to save a Bumble Bee from the window so it is true about things in three’s then. Maybe that saying all started when shops started the buy two get the third free; and free and three got confused and as is the way when these old sayings get started and are then handed down through generations, in the end they make no sense at all.

At school class 7G were celebrating the success of “Harry Richards Tomb” their tunnel and the delivery of Battered Cod, Double Chips and Mushy Peas to the Geography teacher which will ensure they all get distinctions in the practical exam projects. It was very nice to have fish and chips for lunch at school although the headmaster was extremely confused as to where all the fish and chips were coming from. At first he blamed Mr Oliver the new school cook who has fallen on hard times from making the public eat too many healthy foods, but he is still making healthy food so YUK. Anyway he knows something’s going on (the headmaster not Mr Oliver) so he has bugged the school. So now the whole school is full of bugs. I told mum the school was full of bugs when I got home and she said o no not again but I think she might be thinking of the wrong kind of bug.

I have got an itchy head now NOT FAIR.

Monday, 13 June 2011

The exam question and the slithery creature in the school cellar

Monday morning again, how did that happen. Things at school are starting to gear up towards the end of the academic year, well they slowly are. The headmaster gave our class a mock exam, I sort of got the wrong end of the stick at first (funny saying) and said to my exam paper You silly piece of paper call those questions they are rubbish Captain Flint the Parrot asks harder questions than that. HAR HAR HAR.

That was wrong; a mock exam is an exam that pretends it’s another exam so you can find out if you will pass the real exam, but the real exam has different questions in it so you might not be able to do that one. I am not entirely convinced doing a mock exam is worth it really.
Anyway the first question said “Pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism is a complex medical word so can you spell it. Now I’m not silly so I thought if I gave all the options as an answer I would get it right so I said option one No, option two Yes because you have told us how too, option three It is spelt I. T.  Which when written in that form stands for either Information Technology or the slithery slimy creature in the school cellar.”
Or  “哪些,当写在信息技术或滑黏的生物的那形式立场在学校地窖里

Tommy Neckbender, Benny Neckbender’s youngest son answered the same question with “My dad is Benny Neckbender and he knows where you live so I think I got the answer right or else”. Tommy said he answered all the questions the same and used half a sheet of paper. I said I covered all the options I could think of and used seventy five sheets of paper. And because we live in Wales our exams are bi-lingual so I answered them all in Chinese too because I don’t understand Welsh (I don’t think my Chinese is very good either). Tommy was well impressed and said I was well clever but did say he will still come top of the class or the teacher will limp for ages. Tommy always gets to score all the goals in football too he scored forty seven in the last match, his dad said he was doing very well at school and is planning to send him to university. The headmaster told Tommy that he is looking forward to the day when little Tommy goes off to Oxford University to study in his specialist subject of criminology.

After school while I was waiting for the bus the headmaster came up to me and complimented me on my exam paper and said the examiner will be reading it for weeks, but he asked me about question one and was wondering about the slithery creature in the school cellar. I said it was only a bit poisonous I think but then it lives on school dinners so that is hardly a surprise and anyway  I haven’t seen it for ages not since the caretaker Mr Bird vanished when he went down there to change the fuse for the lights.

Sunday, 12 June 2011

The drought the rain and the postman

After the official announcement of the drought in various parts of the UK by the Met office (Metrological Office) the other day, which I heard on the wireless while it was raining. It has rained ever since, today I woke up and it was raining and it is still raining. We now have to wait to see how long it has to rain for before the official drought is over.

Napoleon Beelzebub is not a great fan of rain he quite liked the drought so today we found him sat in the embers of his fire in the inglenook, he usually takes a cosy chair into the inglenook but says they are not that fire proof and nearly always burn leaving nothing but a few springs and screws and sometimes the occasional coin. But they do keep him warm although he seldom gets to finish The Times crossword puzzle as it will go up in smoke very quickly.

Pirate Pete has been feeling a bit home sick for the sea after our trip recently so dad has built him a crow’s nest on a tall mast attached to the chimney on the roof of the house. It has proved very useful as in the morning he will shout Postman ahoy so the postman no longer has to negotiate past the dog or Rusty the Robot Dog. The dog is OK he just likes to make sure all the letters are spelt correctly and eats any junk mail but Rusty the Robot Dog has a in built programming desire to bite the postman. Luckily Pirate Pete has managed to convince Rusty the Robot Dog that the postman is in fact the ghost of the captain of the Titanic. The dog says that Rusty the Robot Dog is still young and impressionable and as he puts it an IDIOT even if he does have six legs and a Nitrogen cooled nano technology Germanium based multi core processor with a fuzzy logic interface (that’s Rusty the Robot Dog not Pythagoras the Dog). Anyway the postman is sort of safe as long as he has the life size model seagull on his head that dad gave him and talks to rusty about icebergs.

The temporary postman did not fair so well the other day but when he complained to his superiors about being bitten by a six legged dog talking in Latin he was given a week off work to recover from stress and for being delusional.

I was asking the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and prophecy Machine if it could keep track of what I have done and what I might do as sometimes I loss the plot and worry my diary might not make any sense. But it stated to go on about some horse somewhere that had bolted and shutting doors, so I think it might be faulty. I did try to ask it if it was faulty and it said IDIOT and reminded me about the big storm in the autumn again.

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Mr Putin and the Coca Cola policy issue

Well we had people looking at the house today with the objective that they might buy it but they had small children and one of the problems with our house and small children is it is not entirely small children friendly what with the Pit of Doom that contains  the shouting child. And them there is the cliff edge of the eternal fall, which is quite a big drop.

 Dad did explain that a strategically placed gate and a huge fifty foot razor wire fence and security monitors would stop the children from a fate worse than death or death. But mum said that is tactically not a good sales technique for a nice detached house in the rural hills of the Welsh borders. Although it would work well if they were planning a nuclear submarine base, but to tell the truth I don’t think they looked the type really.   

I have been involved in the production of invitations for the preview of the next exhibition in the gallery space of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop today so things are running slightly behind schedule once again. Its diaries apparently they are something of a commitment and the corporate sponsors say I have got to finish year one by the end of the year, well the fist week of September which will be a year and a bit. If I don’t they force me to sit me in a bath of Coca Cola where I will dissolve and the resulting drink will be sold as a limited edition Cyber Coke with the secret ingredient (Me) as recommended by the dog. I think the dog might be in some secret deal with the sponsors.

My blog which is the other outlet of my diary has strangely become very popular in Ukraine and Russia, in particular the diary entry which has the postcard from Captain Nessman of his pirate ship.  It is now the second most viewed entry and will no doubt become the most viewed in the next few days. The sponsors are a little angry because Steven Spielberg it has been said is not a fan of pirates but ironically Coca Cola is kept in all Russian schools where it is shown to all the school children where the following is explained to them in great detail.

All the children of the power crazed decedent west drink Coca Cola which is not good for them and makes all their teeth vanish or fall out and drives them mad so they no longer function correctly and end up turning into corporate puppets buying pointless items as seen on TV and fight to the death over free gifts attached to Coca Cola bottles.

Ironically youth are rebellious by nature genetically across the world and the result of this is that sales of Coca Cola in Russia have quadrupled under this policy. Mum said that one of her Russian spy friends said that Mr Putin had said the policy needs to change because the present one has no bite. But that is because the Coca Cola has dissolved all the teeth.

I have now been told that the corporate sponsors are planning to remove this entire page and mum and dad have told me off again for mentioning politics and the dog and Rusty the Robot dog are annoyed because they get free Coca Cola from a large company who wish to remain anonymous.  

Friday, 10 June 2011

Just another day at school sort of

At school today it was philosophy, Rock climbing, Religious Education, and micro-biology. We do lots of different subjects at our school that other schools don’t do and then we do the subjects that other schools do differently to other schools anyway. The headmaster is convinced it is good for everyone to stretch the mind, to think outside the box. Not like cats that always think they should be in the box.

So I think the headmaster is implying that all the pupils in other schools all end up thinking like cats and end up living and working in boxes. He says none of us will end up in boxes, which upsets Boris who wants to become an escapologist, specializing in escaping from steel boxes chained up and locked and bolted then thrown in the river. He is getting quite good at it but his dad makes him practice every night adding more chains and bolts as time passes. It might also explain why ours is the only school with rats running about in the corridors. (Have I told you this before in the past) if I have told you this before then I am most sorry, but this happens in life it repeats itself we go round in circles. It happens to all; the human is a creature of routine and structure.

Anyway I’m distracted once again. In Philosophy we discussed the reality of being real and what that represents to all of us in cyberspace and our relationship within the subconscious of the ghost writer and that of the minds of the readers of my diary who are all members of the physically tangible world. Like the link between hardware and software or body and thought.  Sadly the lesson ended before any rational conclusion was reached, but the teacher said this is normal in philosophy otherwise it would be no fun.

Not like rock climbing where reaching a point is extremely important and today it was the point of the church tower I got to be lead climber as my previous experience (sorry blog readers it is before your time) I was able to take a four man team to the top and plant a flag in the school colours. On our return to the ground we found the rest of the class including the teacher had been taken into church and so we ended up with an RE class that over ran by at least fifteen minutes which made the teacher Cross (HAR HAR).  We ended the day doing Micro Biology to try and see why cats like boxes Arthur said he could stretch the mind of a cat YUK the teacher told him off and said IDIOT.

Our cats are fine by the way the stretched ones are in cyberspace and they will return to their normal shape eventually, honest…….. Well maybe?

 Before I forget the man on the news on the wireless said it is now official we are having a drought only it was poring with rain at the time so that was a bit odd and then later in the day Derrick the Weatherman was in Montgomery with a film crew filming for his TV walkabout series but it was sunny then. But he is a weatherman so I suspect he was able to organize that with the powers that be.

121,000 words now and 202 pages of A4 paper…… that’s quite a lot really considering it all started by accident.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Jupiter, Io and the shift in time as explained in Enid Blyton's Famous Five

At school in physics we looked at Geo-thermal dynamics in the moons of Jupiter and their effect on the position of the absolute centre of the solar system and whether there was a significant pattern to indicate any regular fluctuations in the time space relationship within its graviton. Bearing in mind that the impact of one relationship on the other is inversely proportional to that which one might expect
 Dad and the dog say we should have finished all that stuff last year in school and that the physics teacher is a bit slow. I did tell dad that most of the pupils didn’t understand a word of what the teacher was talking about but the dog thinks that just can not be true as everyone has done Geo-thermal dynamics in the moons of Jupiter. Even Enid Blyton covers something similar in the Famous Five books. I don’t remember that I thought they were about that Michael Jackson singer bloke, but apparently that only happens if you start reading the books from the back to the front and then I got told off for reading my books the wrong way round. But I did point out that it makes War and Peace a bit happier well sort of anyway; and that mum reads things backwards sometimes, but she said they were ancient Chinese manuscripts she is translating for a friend and are written backwards.

 I am a bit late again with the diary but according to the dog it is due to two effects the first is the solar flare activity on the sun which has been rather high in recent days and the second is the activity on Io one of the moons orbiting Jupiter. The resulting apposing magnetic fields and the gravitational flux caused by the present position on the planets mean time has shifted slightly, the result of which is my diary is late. The ghost write is on the street shouting its all the fault of the aliens again but mum said he’s an IDIOT. I hope not he has to turn my diary into a book so that’s a bit of a worry.

 Sooty is better the vet looked at his stitches today YUK and he will go back a week tomorrow to get then removed but he has taken to sleeping on my head which is very awkward still it could be worse if the dog did that I would fall over.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Aliens stole our ghost writer

The longer you can’t find something, the stranger the places you start to look for the thing you can’t find. The ghost writer has been on the school roof today and mum found him looking in the armadillo toaster at home. He even dug three holes in our garden and one in Mr Jenkins garden who chased him along the road.

The ghost writer is convinced that his things have been abducted by aliens and that there is a plot by aliens to get him. I hope that is true I haven’t seen the aliens yet but I suspect they might be green (not as in ECO but green as in bright green) with skinny arms and big eyes. If they say take me to your leader I’m not sure if I should take them to see mum or the prime minister, everyone else at school thinks I should take them to see mum and not that other bloke. The other Bloke makes it sound like mums a bloke and that’s not true but then the prime minister is not a woman (I think) although he does have a political partner who is a man, but I don’t understand politics and we don’t mention it here because mum, dad, the corporate sponsors and Steven Spielberg don’t like politics but they do like aliens especially green ones who drink Coca Cola. The ghost writer is now walking up and down the street with a banner that says I HATE ALIENS on one side and GIVE ME BACK MY STUFF on the other written in bright green paint, mum has just said IDIOT and the corporate sponsors  have sent Benny Neckbender round to offer him a Coke he cant refuse.

Sooty the Cat is a bit better today but has to wear a collar like a lamp shade to stop him trying to eat all his stitches which would result in him falling in half, sort off. COOL, mum said IDIOT again. I must ask Auntie Karen if Mr Ian the Musical Hat Maker had to wear a collar like a lamp shade to stop him eating his stitches.

By the way mum has made loads of fairy cakes just in case the aliens turn up but the dog says aliens dont like fairy cakes so me and the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog are eating a few YUM just to test them to make sure they taste good….

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Sooty the Cats big operation

Sooty the Cat went off to the vet first thing to be checked out and have his op. As is the way with things it turned out his operation was much more complex that expected due to complications and they thought he might have cat AIDS but as it happened he didn’t so he is now in a box in a room so he can’t get out. So mum and dad now say he is worth more than a pedigree Persian Blue.

At least Sooty the Cat is out of things now due to anaesthetic so he will be quiet tonight hopefully. We had sun and hailstones today which was fun, fairly classic Welsh weather where we all say oooo look its sunny go outside only to be pummelled to death by large hail stone.

And I appear to have lost something that I put away safe the other week and can no longer find, and I know I only have the one of them which is a bit of a worry. What makes it even more worrying is I cant remember what it is either but I know it is very important and I need to find it.  The ghost writer has done the same thing and has put a whole lot of work on CD’s in a safe place and it is so safe he no longer knows where it is either, luckily for me it is not my manuscript but he is not happy and says he will find it when he least needs it because that’s what happens.

 Nelson Beelzebub says possessions are a distraction to corrupt the human mind and that we all need more and more of them and in the end it can drive some people mad and make them evil and selfish. Its why he has loads of stuff in his shop so everyone can buy it and  get lots of loyalty points and get to go down to the bottom of his cellar. I asked him if it still counted if you have lots of things but can’t find them but he said he didn’t know and it is not so much the things as the state of mind the things create. The ghost writer says his things certainly drive him mad and they are getting a good telling off once he finds them. Sooty the cat now has bits he will never find again although mum said she would have preferred it if the vet had not said look we have removed these and waved a clear plastic tube with bits in at her. YUK.