A day in the Life of King Street

I have been busy again today with one thing and another so as a cunning plan I have decided to post one of the more popular posts of recent times, in order to try and recover some interest in my humble blog. . . I mean I draw pictures and there is not an advert in sight here, this is a visitor friendly blog, unlike my house where I would probably shout at you and set the cats on you. Not that I'm a nasty chap but no one wants strangers turning up at your front door smiling and being nice, its just plain suspicious so best just to show them who is boss. Which here is probably the cats as it happens, they even attack me when I turn up unexpected.

Anyway back to the post, this was a popular post written in a haphazard way while I was struggling with writers block. I write much of my blog on the cuff so to speak (a saying that appears to be gibberish if you ask me) and writing is as far as I'm concerned the only way to get through writers block. I know it seems odd but it is not. As for writing popular posts well I try but I feel I may be slightly doomed although having said that it tends to be the slightly odd ones that end up popular so I get rather confused. Maybe folk are out to get me just because I set the cats on them and they have to run for their lives.  So here it is another repeated post

A Day in the Life of King Street

George had moved to King Street because of his obsession with all things connected with space and aliens, in fact it was this obsession that led to him painting his wife Mavis green. She did not object too much although she did say later that she would have preferred to have been warned in advance rather than wake up in the morning covered in green paint.  George himself said that he had never entirely understood Mavis and by painting her green she made a very good Martian, and he was working on a Martian Phrase book. Although Mavis was convinced she was speaking English and told George that everyone else understood her perfectly well.

It was rather ironic then that several weeks later George received a text message from Mavis to tell him she had been abducted by humans who were planning to do terrible experiments on her.  In reality she had run off with Mr Clark the librarian to Spain because the stress of being a Martian had become to much and as she told Mr Clark, George was completely mad.

Several houses along King Street at No24 lived Harold Beckman famous as the first British man in space, who spent several weeks on the International Space Station until the accident where he uttered those famed words HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM. . . . AGAIN?  Since then Harold always kept a small can of oil about his person and insisted that his door hinges were oiled once a week.  As he told the postman on many occasions as he oiled the hinges of his front door . . . NOBODY WANTS A SQUEAKY DOOR ON THE AIR LOCK. . .  He often referred to the front porch as the air lock. It was his four days trapped in the airlock of the International Space Station that had brought this way of thinking about, and his early retirement was finally thought for the best after he started to wrap his head in Kitchen foil and was found oiling the wrong end of the cat.

After Mavis was abducted (ran off) George spent many hours discussing this with Harold who said the Aliens were everywhere sabotaging all the critical doors around the world so that one day when they invaded folk would find they were immobilized by jammed doors making mankind useless and unable to defend themselves.

Their friendship however came to an abrupt halt when a young assistant at Boots the Chemist handed over some photographs he had developed for Mr Harold Beckman of them (George and Harold) both dressed as Penguins in a state of arousal. It was a great scoop for the local press but not so good for Harold, George or the assistant at Boots the Chemist who was sacked for breach of confidentiality.  Harold kept his front door locked after that and George ran off to Spain to escape from sniggering neighbours, where he found Mavis working in a tapas bar. She told George that her mind had been wiped by men in white coats so she had forgotten about him. They got back together after a bit and are now often seen scampering along the Spanish beaches wearing Penguin suits and giggling.

Blogging, Free Speech, and Reasons to keep your Blog Active

Has the world of blogging ever got you slightly frustrated as you try to encourage a few visitors to stop by and go Oooooooo I might read this from time to time and make the odd chirpy comment? As we all do our best to increase the profile of our blog among the 200 to 300 million other blogs around the world. Well I would be lying if I said that every now and again I do question the point of it all and what I am doing, Lets face it mine is a bit of a quirky blog and of acquired taste, much like myself really. And the world of blogging seems to be rather quiet at present (or it is for me).

I have to say I don’t think I am the only one who has these little moments when I question my reasoning for doing this after all I am not someone who is trying to make an honest crust out of my blog so the incentive of loads of money is not one I am pursuing (much). So should I give it all up and return to the real world full time to make more arty things and give up all this writing into the black voids of cyberspace. . . . . . . .Well NO.

YES the answer is NO and here is why, you see us folk in the decadent West who are moderately well off such as myself (OK it does not always feel like that but the truth is I have a fairly pleasant and chilled life) have the choice to have a blog. We also have the choice to blog about most issues we choose. Yes I think if I was telling you all to up rise and attack sheep with AK47’s and then tell you all how to make a nice bomb several chaps in suits would batter my door down and ask me questions.  You see one of the great paradoxes of free speech is that in order to maintain the values of free speech you need to act against those who are against free speech. They in turn then say they are being suppressed and that our society does not allow free speech because they are not allowed to put forward their views against free speech.  It is all very complex indeed.

In some countries bloggers have died because of their views and in many cases the views they are supporting and blogging about are moderate such as Women’s rights, Equality for all or the right to have a different religious or political views to that of the majority or the state. These bloggers are brave indeed and the minor concerns of some of us in the West that our blog is not as popular as we might have hoped may seem a little trivial to them.  So  I will do my bit for free speech even if its mainly gibberish that almost no one reads or cares about and carry on blogging and point two fingers up at all those who think that only their views are right.  Once you think that only your own views are right then you know for sure that you are wrong, . . . and I know that is right.         

The origins of well known sayings. A new occasional informative series of posts

Ah yes I knew I had taken a picture of a rookish sort of bird ages ago while at the beach

In order to keep my diary(Yes I think it has sort of drifted from that a bit) and blog lively and interesting, I have decided to add yet another occasional little themed series of posts to it, explaining the meanings of some of those rather bizarre sayings that have become associated with the English language.  Many of them originate from that chap Shakespeare who I’m sure will be sniggering away in the afterlife knowing that he has confused at least Half the worlds population. I mean who has not heard someone at a party quote . . . . An Ass your yoghurt eyes drool in Hell. . .  And we all nod knowingly and agree while thinking WHAT does it mean? Nobody admitting they don’t know either because they think everyone will call them an IDIOT.

So today I will start by explaining one of those sayings that used to be said loads, but has like many sayings gone out of favour.

Yes we start with. . . . TOO Many Rooks spoil the Moth. . . . 

At first glance it looks like complete nonsense but when looked at in the rational light of day (another one of those sayings) does in fact make more sense that it might appear to.  You see Rooks are much larger than a Moth and although they have a mutually beneficial relationship in the world of nature, Rooks can also lead to the downfall of many a moth. Rooks as we all know are the rouges of the bird kingdom, stealing stuff drinking and having wild parties into the night taking illegal substances. Now for a Rook that’s fine they are large enough to handle a few drinks and dodgy drugs, but their mates the Moths are small, one drink and a few puffs of dope and they are away with the fairies (yet another saying to be dealt with later). The moths then get confused and fly about erratically confusing every single light in the world with the Moon, going round in every decreasing circles until they burn up on something hot such as a street light or a security light or similar. Those that don’t then fall prey to Bats, Spiders and Rabbits that find them strangely addictive (well we all know why that is). 

So what this saying is actually telling us as humans, is that some of us are Rooks and some of us are Moths and one or two of us are either Bats, Spiders or Rabbits. I think it is worth giving this some thought and you can always let me know which one you think you are. I have had a long think myself and because of my grumpy unsociable nature combined to the fact I do not drink or take substances of a dodgy nature, but do like Fish and Chips by the seaside I must be more of a seagull. . . . Sadly I can’t remember any well know Seagull sayings right now but give me time I will come up with one yet.     

Boris and the Spider Man (Part Two)

Well this is part two of the spy thriller now being repeated by popular demand (O Yes It Is. . . .sort of) so if you missed part one then you will be as lost as granny with a Sat-Nav. . . . 

 

Boris and the Spider Man (Part Two)

It was fast approaching summer, but for two days the rain had fallen relentlessly, folk scurried about with their heads down doing what they had to do paying no attention to the old man as he slowly walked up the street and into Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café.

A waitress says HELLO,  he replies IT’S A TERRIBLE DAY, she says YES but is puzzled that his clothes are bone dry CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING she asks.  . . . BACON AND EGGS AND TOAST THANKS . . . . But she is confused DID YOU SAY X  . . .  NO EGGS he says as he slowly slides open an old matchbox in front of him on the table.  As the waitress turns round she is confronted by two men . . . WE ARE HERE FOR THE X the shorter one says in a strong Russian accent. The waitress laughs and says YOU WANT X AS WELL, DO YOU WANT THEM FRIED, the Russian now confused says WE WANT THEM IN A PLAIN BROWN PAPER BAG  . . . . . . . . .  SO A TAKEAWAY THEN, A FRIED X SANDWICH MAYBE said the waitress.  . . . The Russian still confused says TO TAKEAWAY YES, WE WILL WAIT BY THE DOOR.

As they wait impatiently looking at their watches, they fail to notice the Black Mercedes pull up, driven by Irene Van-Dagraph the singer from the night club; Boris sat in the back busy talking on his mobile.

As they get out the car into the constant heavy rain Irene turns to Boris and asks DO WE KNOW WHAT THIS X IS YET, he shakes his head, but gestures at the café window where the Russians are collecting a plain brown paper bag.  The Russians turn and head out leaving without paying, the waitress shouting HANG ON YOU HAVE NOT PAID FOR THOSE X YET.  But the Russians only get a few paces before several men surround them. Boris smiling and saying I THINK THIS TIME WE HAVE YOU. HAND OVER THE BAG.

The Russians have no choice and Boris slowly opens the plain brown paper bag hoping to see X . . .   the secret which has brought two superpowers to the brink of war.  They all peer into the bag in anticipation of its contents, but as they do so the waitress arrives and shouts I HOPE THEY PLAN TO PAY FOR THOSE EGG SANDWICHES, Boris looks up and says DID YOU SAY X but the waitress laughs and says NO I SAID EGGS, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS UP WITH EVERYONE TODAY AND THAT’S FOR SURE.

Boris looks into the bag at the Fried Egg Sandwiches and says DAMN THAT SPIDER, HE HAS DONE IT AGAIN.

Meanwhile the old man has eaten his breakfast and has decided to take a walk along the docks. Where a young navel cadet is shocked to see the periscope of what appears to be a Russian Nuclear submarine moving slowly in the water, the ripples of the tide forming a definite X marking its position.  X MARKS THE SPOT says the old man amusingly as the young cadet rushes past in panic. 

A Very Strange Blog Guest Interview

Hello Rob

O NO what do you want

I have come to help with this blog post

What blog post I’m not writing a blog post

I think you will find that you are now

DAMN

Look we can do one of those guest interviews that folk like to do

OK but keep it sensible

What, really don’t you trust me I mean I will just ask a few simple questions so the readers get to know all about you . . . . . sort of, a bit.

OK

Well Rob All this writing you do here what is all that about, I mean you do realise its all futile and that no one is remotely interested in any of it don’t you.

Hang On that’s a bit of an aggressive start for an interview

Well I thought I would do a political one, folk like politics

Are you sure. I thought they preferred cute cats on YouTube.

Now dont change the subject Mr Tobor you need to answer the question YES or NO.

WHAT?

No not what that tells us nothing we need to know exactly where you stand.

I stand on the floor although at present I am sitting at a desk typing.

I think we can all see that. . . You once  operated a machine called a UFO didn't you. You were called a UFO Pilot.

Yes

Exactly an Unidentified Flying Object. . . You are in fact an Alien aren’t you

No I’m not and UFO stands for Underwater Flying Observer it was one of those ROV’s (remotely operated vehicles) it was a submarine and I didn’t go in it I just operated it from the surface.

And you were a tea blender at one time

Yes but it was a terrible job, No one wants to be a tea blender in Dante’s Inferno, so I ran away and hid.

And you stopped a runaway truck once didn’t you.

Yes

I was an ace skateboarder when no one else was interested and I was sort of passed by a truck with no driver so I leapt into it all heroically and stopped it

And what happened

I got lots of angry looks from passing pedestrians who thought I was the driver so I ran away and hid

You have been run over by cars once or twice too, surely after the first time you would take more care.

Yes but sometimes it is not easy to leap out of the way particularly when various bits are slightly faulty and you go round in small circles when moving too quickly. A result of folk attacking you with a car.

The punters are bored now so time to go.

OK yes thanks for your help. . . . . I think

And you are looking a bit off colour Rob.                

The delemma of the Master Criminal

Maharajah Raj Ranbir Singh lives quietly in his house in Knightsbridge, it is not a small house in fact it is a huge house bought by his family just after the war for a modest sum. Its Victorian Gothic façade restored many years ago, its garden sprawling over two to three acres is almost entirely unknown to the majority of Londoners. And despite efforts by many to entice the Maharajah to sell some of the land for huge sums of money he has always rejected all approaches as he has a temple in the grounds that he allows Sikhs to visit on a regular basis.  And of course the garden has many secrets that the Maharajah is happy to keep secret.

You see although a quiet and humble man of peace the Maharajah has his own dark secret unknown to the world. He is what would be termed a master criminal these days, but he is not the sort of master criminal that most people would think of. He would never use violence or destroy or break things to achieve his ends because he is after all a Sikh Maharajah and it is important to comply with the principles of his beliefs.

He has conducted many spectacular and cunning crimes around the world that have left the authorities both perplexed and puzzled with no clues where to start their investigation. Crimes such as the Ghost Train Incident of 1973 where an entire London underground train vanished from the Circle Line never to be seen again.   There was the theft of several Crowns from the Tower of London, a crime that has still not been admitted too by the British government. And then of course there was the very odd case of the theft of over one thousand flamingos from London Zoo and two Elephants.  And at least one very large Swiss bank has lost huge amounts of gold as well as a number of paintings and bronzes by some of the greatest artists of history.

Of course as Maharajah Raj Ranbir Singh gets older he has pondered many times the dilemma of committing the perfect crimes knowing that he was never suspected. And this is the great paradox of being the perfect master criminal; no one knows you are a master Criminal.  Some folk may have suspected over time but it was always a passing thought.  After all the lake surrounding the sheikh temple has a huge flock of flamingos on it as well as two Indian Elephants. And the Marinara’s garden pavilion is a converted London Tube train full of jewels and many exotic things.

So how do I know this you ask, well I was having a long philosophical discussion with the Maharajah admiring this rather good copy of the Mona Lisa, (which looks just like the real thing to me) about how we perceive our fellow man based on the fact we only know a small amount of what each of us think and do.  And the Maharajah was explaining the dilemma of achieving these things but being unable to tell anyone.

Of course I have explained to Maharajah Raj Ranbir Singh that his secret is safe with me and no one will ever know. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .AH DAMN

At least I did not mention the eight lost Fabergé Eggs and the Amber Room . . . .PHEW.

Here where has my watch gone. . . . . 

The tale of Badger Hopson. . .The King of the Skies

A short story for Mr Squid McFinnigan

Badger Hopson had always wanted to be a pilot ever since he was knee high to a grasshopper and spent many a happy hour forging his pilots licence and flying history so that he could get a job. He dreamed of flying shiny posh passenger planes across the Atlantic into Europe so that he could chase women, gamble and drink and stub his cigarettes out on the heads of European cats. . . He hated cats.  

Badger even supplied his own outfit and to tell the truth that was his downfall. You see he bought it in an old Army surplus store and although there was no denying it was warm and cosy it was not exactly the image Pan-Am or any of the other airlines were looking for. Poor old Badger hit the bottle hard for a time and threw all the empties at unsuspecting passing cats, who would scurry off and then leave dead mice in his boots for revenge.

Then one day when the winter winds were at there worst, not that it worried Badger Hopson, he was no fool he had bought the flying suit with the heated boots and double knit thermal underwear. (Hang on I got distracted there . . . back to the point). . . Yes one day in the wild winters wind an old mate said he had heard of a flying job going with the US MAIL and it looked just the job.  Well this was exciting news for Badger and he quickly applied and was interviewed and surprisingly got he job. In fact for the first time ever they said they were very impressed with his flying outfit and that it was exactly what they were looking for.

So it was that Badger Hopson became King of Skies and got to fly his faithful but knackered Douglas DAKOTA C-47 / DC-3 transport aircraft delivering mail to Anchorage Alaska three times a week.  He did get to chase women, gamble and drink but there were no cats just Polar Bears and that of course was his final downfall, because you should never stub your cigarette out on the head of a Polar Bear.  Amazingly he survived the attack saved by the padding of his flying suit, and the electric shock the bear got from chewing his battery powered heated boots. But with one arm, one leg and one ear he was classed as unfit for flying and pensioned off.

He was however a content man, not many folk can say they have flown to Alaska in an old Dakota drunk, gambled, chased women and put their cigarettes out on the heads of Polar Bears. So he settled down, got married and told of his many adventures as the King of the Skies. Making a few extras up to impress the kids, his old flying suit now chopped up and turned into a stuffed Python for reasons that are far to complex to explain here.        

The rambling words of a Newt Keeper

It has been a couple of days since the last post posted on this blog which was about hard working families and the reason I have not posted a post is because I have been working hard on you know what. Yes the Kitchen, you see I discovered that a couple of pipes from the range cooker sort of went where I did not want them too, so I have been sorting it out (sort of). Anyway it means that the problem will now look like it was all planned and when folk look I will say. . . . . . . . Oooooooo it was all quite easy really and everything went as expected. . . . Which will be a lie as houses do like to fight change, as do people generally.

It has rained today which is not nice but I guess it does keep all the plants (and us) alive and the ponds filled up and the newts and toads happy. I had to move four toads and a couple of Great Crested Newts yesterday that were living in a tarpaulin in the part of the garden that has the apple trees in. They did not have it propped up like a tent and were not huddled round a fire to keep warm toasting the odd fly on a skewer complaining about hard times. The tarpaulin was lying on the ground and rotting and needed to be moved and the little critters were making the most of the perfect conditions to chill among the fruit trees.

 I saw a huge hornet at the same time . . . it was huge and I mean really giant sized huge,  in fact it was run away screaming huge shouting what the hell is that thing. . . .  It was the largest hornet I have ever seen outside of a scary sci-fi movie about man eating hornets.

OK back to the newts, because while at the Friday market in the village I was informed that it is illegal to handle a newt in the UK without a licence. What was particularly odd about finding this out was it happened before I found the newts under the tarpaulin. As the subject of newts had arisen in connection with another unrelated issue to do with other folk in the village, who as it happens would like a couple of our newts.  But we do have loads of them and a bloody huge Hornet. . . AAAAAauuuuuuuuGGGgggggHHHHHH.  

By now you might be thinking what the hell is he rambling on about why has he told us about newts well the fact is I have reached one of those moments known as writers block and no one likes writers block when you spend hours looking at a blank sheet of paper.  Well with all this kitchen building I don’t have time for writers block so I writing freestyle with no idea of where it is all going to end, which ironically is NOW.

OOOOOOooo just to say the picture has no bearing on the words but she might be shouting . . .  AAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHH A HORNET. . .

The Quest for Glory in a Very Quiet Library

The world of blogging at least for me and gone remarkably quiet, as quiet as the quietest thing in the quietest room of a very quiet library with a lot of signs in it saying Please Be Quiet. It is to put it bluntly very quiet indeed. So what has brought about this lack of activity in the areas of cyberspace that constitute my blog what has changed recently that might have caused this disturbing event. An event that has made me question the very essence of what is all this blogging all about.

Well the Conservatives recently won an overall majority in the General Election and they do know that I am a bit of a lefty. Well when I say they know the local MP thinks I voted conservative; well its not my fault that one of his workers jumped to the conclusion I was going to vote Tory, I never said who I was voting for. But maybe they found out and are now reaping revenge for misleading them which is rather unfair as I did not, I just did not correct the error of the person I spoke too.

FIFA has also recently hit the headlines with stories of bribes and unethical practice leading to some folk becoming rather wealthy on the back of who gets to host the World Cup.  Well they are aware that it was I that exposed the use of Androids in the last World Cup and the whole affair was staged so that the Knights Templar could squirrel away the cup, or as they like to call it the Holy Grail.

Well revealing news like that can make you enemies and FIFA may be blaming me for shining the spotlight on them which has brought about their downfall. And there are folk that owe them big time so they are out to get me.

Add to all this the fact that bloggers are falling by the wayside like flies. . . . . I have never seen a fly fall by the wayside but they do tend to die on the window sills of our windows from time to time. I do try and save the little critters but they don’t understand windows (no not Microsoft Windows but glass windows) . . . . . . (actually they are rubbish at Microsoft windows too).

What I will say about all this blogging into the oblivion of cyberspace and the empty and very quiet library of fate is that I am a hardy beast and will continue my quest towards blogging glory with my head held high and my pointy stick pointy at the road ahead. Onward and upward taking everything in my stride. . . . . . Well until tomorrow when I may reconsider and write more gibberish due to stress.  

An April 2015 A to Z Reflection Post about the 2015 A to Z Challenge

It is that time again a time when we all say it is very sad BECAUSE it is all over and what fun we have had when secretly we are all going THANK GOD ITS OVER HAH AH AHAH  HAHHA HAHAH HAH AHH AHAH AH HAHA HA HA HA HA HA. So now it is time to reflect on everything and ponder and write about our reflections in an interesting and analytical way, something to grab the hearts and minds of all the others who have finished the A to Z challenge and who are also secretly going. . . . . .  THANK GOD ITS OVER HAH AH AHAH  HAHHA HAHAH HAH AHH AHAH AH HAHA HA HA HA HA HA. And who are also thinking DAMN I need to write something really interesting that has not been written by all the others who are writing a reflection post.  

Every year I try to write something new something different something unique and this year I have decided to use the Big Dipper or as most folk around the world know them, The Roller-coaster for the descriptive analogy of my progress along the path from A to Z.

Well like the Roller-coaster the A to Z has many ups and downs

It involves much screaming

While we are rattling along with our eyes closed it seems to take forever to reach the end

But then once we reach the end it seems like it took no time at all.

You often find that you are bouncing about so much (and screaming) that it is impossible to hold a proper conversation.

Folk often need to go and lie down afterwards and have a little rest.

People having finished are often silly enough to think Oooooooo I might do that again.

And most importantly it is almost impossible to eat an ice cream at the same time.

Finally I think it is worth pointing out I hate roller-coaster's.

So there you have it, I along with many many many others have finished (almost?) yet another A to Z Challenge. I have done many A to Z’s because I have done several at other times of year and I think I have completed at least two every year since I started,  so I have now done a minimum of eight although ironically I have probably done more unofficial A to Z’s that official ones. And why would I do that I can hear people wondering . . . . . . Well it is simple I am an IDIOT.

I may take a little rest next year and watch from the side, I am getting far too old for this and the brain is not what it was, and it can start to feel a bit isolated down at the bottom of the list.  I mean I had to take to commenting on my own blog for some street cred.

Finally (No it really is) I would like to congratulate Master Meglos for finishing the A to Z, because he is certainly the youngest person by far to have undertaken it,  It is impressive for someone of Master Meglos’s age to even attempt it, so getting to the end is a good start for a young person with ideas of ruling the world.   

A day in the life of a Blogger (sort of) and the curious tale of some chaffinches

Hello I thought it is some time since I did a proper post with real information in it and so today while I am sat down with a cup of tea I decided it was time to correct my recent lack of blogging in the world of blogging. Firstly it is very definitely spring like today with the sun shining the birds twittering and plants just about to pop into life.  The moles seem to have settled a bit, because for reasons I don’t know it has been a great winter for moles there seems to be loads of them everywhere. When I say everywhere I refer to mainly underground, I have not yet seen a flying mole. And while on the subject matter of things I don’t know I am also very curious to know why we seem to have more than our fair share of one legged chaffinches turning up at the bird table, there were three of four of them there today. It’s turning into a sort of pirates convention for chaffinches, although only male chaffinches so it is all a bit odd.  Ooooo and we have a pet pheasant, hopefully once he trusts me completely, (lets face it folk have been shooting at him for months) I will be able to teach him tricks like high wire walking and juggling chainsaws (small ones).

The plan to move the living room to what was the dining room is almost entirely complete at last with almost everything new including the wiring and the floor the walls and ceiling and lights and other stuff. . .  And it has only taken absolutely ages to do, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Now we get to turn the living room into the dinning room. . . . I know it sounds a bit mad but it’s a master plan for the house, we need master plans, sort of.

I have also noticed the world of blogging is very quiet at present and I have put this down to the fact I have not posted many posts lately and everyone has gone off to do other stuff but I am back now so it OK again.

Oooooo I saw a chicken on the road this morning. . . . Sadly it did not make it to the other side. . . .  Which is interesting because I have mentioned a chicken that did not get to the other side in my forthcoming A to Z blogging challenge of Victorian Inventors (the letter A).    

The Most Boring Blog Post . . . . . . in the World

It is plainly clear that my blog has suffered from the side effects of my Man Flu which continues to suck the life blood out of my brain making it difficult to be motivated and bouncy.  Add to this the fact the weather is not the sort of weather that a grumpy bloke feels motivated and bouncy in. Yes it’s cold and wet and the remains of the bit of snow we had can be seen on the hills around us. It was not enough snow to make a Snow Dog or Snow Zombie with or do much at all except look out the window at and go YUCK. This is what myself and the cats did we looked out and went YUCK.

In order to alleviate some of the irritating cough I presently have I bought a bottle of a Vicks cough mixture for irritating coughs which seems to work but tastes like liquid Vick. Someone did suggest covering my feet in Vick at night when I go to bed, sticking a pair of socks on to avoid a rather nasty mess of Vick all over the bed. They said it cures everything but I am by nature a grumpy disbelieving cynical sceptic so have no plans to do this unless all else fails.  And anyway none of you are interested remotely is any of this or the fact that the bathroom plumbing sort of played up last night at 11:00pm in the evening and so I was grovelling about swearing at screwdrivers and bits of pipe and the like.

The good news is that we are off to have a meal tonight at Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café, the greatest eating establishment in the world. I am not sure what I will have yet as it often depends on how Big Bill is feeling at the time, as is the prerogative of all great chefs

Only a short time ago I removed the very last bit of yellow wallpaper from the walls of what will be our new posh living room. It has taken much longer than planned to do partly because I have Man Flu and partly because its building work which as we all know always takes longer and costs more than expected.

So there you have it this is the words most boring blog post, but it keeps you all up to date with the events close to me. Well some of them I am not going to try and explain about the LED lighting and the small flock of seagulls hiding in a tea chest singing old Beach Boys songs to a Mole.

Oooo you will note as I predicted television companies are getting excited about the election already with talk of a seven way leaders head to head (oooooo that will be fun) and the Queen is still alive but you don’t see her about MMmmmmmmm.  . . . As for Marks and Sparks . . . Well, read my predictions? 

And we have mice but not by choice, sneaky critters.

The END and New Beginnings . . .

As I battle away in cyberspace in a rather disjointed and odd fashion this year I have come to notice the fickleness and frail nature of what we are all doing (OK what I am doing). In fact I guess this is much like the real world of reality where we bang into things and hit our fingers with hammers and it hurts, I really need to use a hammer less or keep my eyes open while I hit stuff.  As the many of you who have viewed my blog lately will know, I have written several rather quirky Harry Potter based stories and a couple of poems, but they have not been received well. I can tell this from the page views I have been getting lately and from a high of a tiny bit under 10,000 page views in one month back earlier in the year it has now dropped below a figure I was getting back at the beginning of 2012. This decline in pageviews matching the exact point where I first started writing alternative Harry Potter stories. OK we have had our disagreements over the years and I know he is not out to get me personally and stuff, but my own stubbornness to say OK everyone so you didn't like that, so here is another one then YA SUCKS BOO to you has not helped matters.

So I can hear you are all thinking, what is the point you are trying to make in your usual long winded way that means we all get confused and don't understand a thing. Well the point is why do we actually do this, why do folk blog. What exactly is it that makes us tick and decide that we need to write our various blogs. Well for some it is self promotion maybe writing books and hoping that the very nice Steven Spielberg or someone of a similar nature will pluck them from obscurity.  Lets face it trying to climb over his electric fence drug the guard dogs and avoid the men in uniform is harder than I thought (sorry I mean a foolish idea). Some folk use their blogs to sell stuff, some to meet new friends in cyberspace and others as a way to leave a small marker in the grand master plan of life, the universe and everything. In fact this is how this blog first started when a very clever young Russian woman died having spent the last couple of years of her life meeting folk through cyberspace and Facebook. It made me realize that it is good to write and good to have a blog even if everyone else thinks your blog is entire rubbish, the point being these are my words and my drawings and my blog is unique to me. So now as folk come and go I grab my trusty pointy stick look at the impassable mountain range ahead and head off into the great unknown.  Knowing that out there in that great unknown is stuff I don’t know about, a future of as yet unseen bloggers and other such people.

So I hear you say, what has brought about this reflective pondering about what all this blogging is all about in the first place. Well and it’s a shock but the Great Bumferry Hobart creator of the blog Thoughtless Gibberish is hanging up that QWERTY keyboard of his and cyberspace will lose his quiet British wit and charm that we have all come to love. . . . It’s a great loss and a blow as he represents almost twenty five percent of my followers.

Farewell Mr H and a Merry Christmas I hope your retirement plans are like that Frank Sinatra bloke and you have a few comebacks before you finally go.

You will be missed. 

Volume Five . . . The life of a Professional Blogger

The Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor

Volume Five

(The Untold Story of Unknown Things)

Here we are at the start of volume five of the Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor (that’s me), written exclusively for me by the Ghost Writer who as I have pointed out previously is incredibly cheap. Mainly because he is completely ribbish (sorry rubbish . . . . point made me thinks).

Previously I have told you tales of life as I progressed through my academic years, but things are changing this year, the Headmaster has thrown me out of school for bad publicity and the fact I have not mentioned school in ages.  This means that I have entered the world of work, something I know that we all like to avoid if we can or so the Ghost Writer tells me. As a YOUNG chap, the world is my ouster (sorry oyster) a stupid saying particularly as one of my PC’s  definitions of Oyster is . . . . .  any shellfish similar to an edible oyster, e.g. a pearl oyster . . . . . . . Well that’s silly and a distraction.

So I have looked in some detail at work and have noticed several times on the radio and television, in both news and currant or is it current (silly Ghost Writer) affairs programmes that they sometimes get folk on to talk about this and that and they say they are Professional Bloggers. Well as I am already a fairly active blogger in fact I seem to more active than some of those so called Professional Bloggers so I suspect I will make loads of money.   

However this means that my blog will now have to specialize on something specific, so that when the very nice men at the BBC need a professional expert to tell them things of a professional nature about stuff they will say. . . . . Quick get that Rob Z Tobor bloke we need an expert we need a professional Blogger. . . . .  So I have decided to become an expert on all things unknown because if there is one thing no one has yet cornered the market in it is Unknown things. Luckily it can remain a diary because most of my future is unknown and so all those as yet unknown events will fit nicely into the plot. I only say plot just in case the very nice Steven Spielberg has made the films of volume one to four and is reading the script of volume five. Something that may or may not happen; it is in fact an unknown event. . .HAH HA HAH AHh ah ah ha hahah ah ha ha ha haahah hah ahh ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha which is exactly what this year's diary is all about.  

Ooooo I saw another one of those Vampire Moths today and got a picture of it that I think proves the point. If you are thinking . . . . these Vampire Moths are Unknown to me then you have not read volume four, but luckily volume five will deal with lots of unknown things such as Vampire Moths, Zombies, Space, Aliens and Mr Jones the Alien Hunter.

It all sounds dead exciting . . . . . .

Hang on while on the subject of unknown things. . . . . As a Professional Blogger, just where does all this money come from? 

The Fickleness of the Public and Cats and Popular Blogs

Last month my blog had a new record page view count of just over 7,500 and I was a well snig (sorry Smug) little blogger dropping this into conversations with the cats as they demanded their dinner. They pretended not to care until I pointed out if they did not look pleased they would get no food, O yes they soon changed there minds then and meowed loads until I fed them after which they lost interest.

Anyway this month I have had just under 9,500 page views, yet another record for me and I have warned the cats they better look pleased or it is lean times ahead for a few days. I have been trying to work out why this has happened and yet again it comes down to the one thing . . . . . . . Sport.  Yes sadly if I mention sport suddenly I get more page views and of course after the world cup I was forced to comment on the Commonwealth Games a bit. I say a bit because I have not done very well doing this and so far have not spotted a single Alien, just that huge spaceship that no one is mentioning that is perched right in the middle of it all. When I say perched I mean landed or it would be a large alien bird of some sort and I think folk would run away screaming rather than pretend it’s some sort of sports complex or some such other silly idea.

Only I am not sure I have any sporting events left to comment on so I may be forced to make up something that sounds like it might really be happening such as the World Ice Juggling championships or the International Scientists Mathematical Cascade Race.  Personally I prefer Aliens and Zombies and the like but the public seem to have abandoned their love of these fine critters and prefer sport. . . . .  It makes you wonder what the world is coming too, before long we will all be fighting each other or dropping dead from strange tropical diseases. . . .

AH DAMN . . . . Still it will soon be Christmas.  

The Quirkiness of the Long Distance Blogger

As a long term slightly quirky blogging diarist, I have to give myself little goals to achieve. Not goals like in the world cup where you have to kick a small round thing into a sort of fruit cage affair.

One of the primary objectives of any blogger is does anyone actually look at your blog, are they friendly, will they send you large sums of money, will the very nice Steven Spielberg make your very very long diary into a block buster film or films, (it is very long).  If the answer to all these is no then you have to find odd little glimmers of hope from other things.

I therefore have achieved something this month that is very positive indeed, this month has seen the best month ever for Page Views with close to seven and a half thousand as we approach the end of June. Now I have no way of knowing if that is good or not and I am aware that certain things can distort those figures, so I do not use those dynamic view design options they add thousands of page views that don’t exist, I learnt that very early on. I also do not count my own views of my blog or that would just get confusing and I do not allow anonymous commenting that just attracts automated web crawlers and they are well annoying beasts.

I suspect folk are going to say . . .  is that all HEY I get that a day . . .  but I just don’t know what is good or bad in the world of blogging, it is full of smoke and mirrors and a lot of hype so I just keep to my own goals.  Strangely if there is one thing the football teams in the world cup hate it is own goals, but as a blogger it is what keeps me striving to bigger and better things, well that and the dream that the very nice Steven Spielberg will stop burning the manuscript to the film of the diary of the book of the blog

The world of blogging is a fickle world but there are some good folk out there, Mr ESB, Miss Laura, Mr Addman, Mr H, Miss Lily and Master Meglos, Miss Hannah,  Mr Flip, Mr B, P Von P, Mr G to name but a few. And so you may ask yourself why do we do this, what drives us in our guest for fame fortune and celebrity without moving from the comfort of our armchairs. The answer is simple we are all IDIOTS……….

One small bite for man, one giant leap for the goalkeeper

As many of you will know I have been revealing some of the lesser known facts about the World Cup in my ever popular Blog (I use the term ever popular loosely). Telling the world about the news that the world cup is full of Androids and now Vampires and various other creatures and beasts of a non-human based life structure. But I have come to believe my blog has upset the powers that be somewhere in the voids of cyberspace. I don’t think it will be Quinton and Charles of GCHQ as my blog apparently is the only light relief they get as they trawl through the myriad of websites and blogs involved in social media.

The reason for my suspicion is that if I Google for news of Androids and Vampires through the rather popular Google search engine (I am a great fan myself) playing in the Brazilian World cup my own blog comes in at about page 25 million. Now we all know this could only happen if someone somewhere wants my blog kept quite, suppressed and out the way.

I have even protested outside the local Google Office, a small wooden shed in a field just up the road.  Where a spokesperson said the following

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute     

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute

Suarez is a vampire

Ban the vampire     

 Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep  bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep

On the head. . . . Back of the net

Anyway I am suspicious now that there are more folk about in the greater world as a whole who are androids than I thought. And a useful tip to spot one (so I am told) is that they clutch small touch screen devices where they obtain their instructions from, using discrete thumb and finger movements to communicate with their great leader,

In late news (for me) it appears that Luis Suarez has been banned for four months.  He stated afterwards My solicitors Amstrad Amstrad and Amstrad were rubbish and seemed to favour the Androids. But as a Vampire I am planning to hang about for a while. . . 

The complete guide to themes in the April A to Z blogging Challenge (Sort of)

In my last and very comprehensive guide to the April A to Z Challenge I sort of mentioned themes, and said that of course the main theme was the Alphabet itself which I am sure is true. Well it is how I have always seen it really. But of course there is always much talk of themes within the overall progression through the alphabet and whether to use them or not and what is a good theme in the first place.

Well much of this will depend on the nature of your blog, mine is a bit mad so my theme for the A to Z is also a little mad, it is what the punters would expect (that’s readers not folk in boats in Cambridge). But everyone has a different blog and different reasons to blog, if you are an Author then it is maybe a chance to entice a few new readers with little glimpses of your treasured publications. And artists may use it to show their work with pride and joy hoping folk will go Gosh I must buy that right now . . .  But you could use anything you like for a theme, rocks, fish, people, rabbits, chickens, inventions, history, geography, fairy tales (I did that last year it was great fun),  seagulls, more chickens, cars, guitars,  sea monsters, motor bikes, places, mechanical wonders of Victorian Europe, Mountains and mountaineers, space, aliens and even more huge monster chickens with pointy teeth.  So in reality almost as many things as your mind will allow you to conjure up, the world as they say is your oyster. 

Of course there is one small pitfall in this grand idea that can really throw some folk a lot, you see they can become too entrenched by the detail of their theme and after a great start working out their letters, they suddenly get to X or Z and think O MY GOD why did I decide on the theme of Popes. The thing is don’t panic the A to Z is like a shop window full of sweeties to entice folk into your blog so make a Pope up; plus some interesting facts about how the Grand Duke Ferdinand gave Pope Zilliphilius the Forth the last Unicorn in 1538 as a gift. Only the Pope thought is was food and they all had a great feast and all was well until it was discovered that Unicorns are rather poisonous and everyone sort of died and the whole affair was sweep under the carpet, so to speak by the Vatican. The saying sweep it under the carpet is also very silly, have you ever tried to sweep a roast Unicorn under a carpet it is not easy, even harder than a cat, and that leaves a fair sized lump in the carpet. . . . . . .  Hang on I got side tracked.

Ok well that is about it on themes but make sure you choose one you like and know it will get you from A to Z without too much difficulty and remember don’t get too detailed, your theme is a promotion effort, leave the bigger picture until after April when you can discuss the detailed rise of Pope Zilliphilius the Forth in 1533 leading to him meeting the Grand Duke Ferdinand, and their treaty of the following year in Rome, so that the dukes son could invade Holland without upsetting the church.  Yes your eyes are stating to glaze over, so I think you get the point……… No one needs the small print on the A to Z; short sweet easy reading is best….

And one last tip if you get bored or disheartened by your Theme half way through, either just go random and post about anything you fancy or try another theme for the rest of the alphabet or make up dodgy facts about nonexistent Popes , it is entirely up to you, you are your own boss in this matter.