Tyrannosaurus Rex, A Goat, A Dog and Pizza and Pancakes

After yesterdays rain and grey skies today started well with sun and lots of it. . . It was to put it bluntly, Jolly nice. Yes that is what being a quiet middle class chap is all about, just being a nice sort of chap and saying Jolly Nice not ****** ******* ******* ** nice. Anyway after much smiling and pointing at the big fiery beast in the sky and using my Ache Build Your own Sacrifice to the Gods kit to sacrifice the 3D cardboard Goat on the supplied Sun God Alter I leapt about a bit. We then collected one of our cars from the garage as the bonnet (hood to those in the USA. . . I think) refused to open and the screen washers were a bit broken. It is not a good time of year to not have screen washers as folk in trucks tend to kick mud in your face (OK on your windscreen) and it can get tricky driving if you can’t see a damn thing.  Now I could have fixed these minor issues myself, but those garage chaps are good, even if one of them is a bit mancky.  NO he really is, he is only young and his family make him sleep in a caravan in the garden and refuse to let him in the house as stuff falls off him. This might sound a bit unfair but he is happy and he is a rather good (if mancky) mechanic.

However after having a Pizza for lunch, apparently it is Pizza Day although none of us knew this until a short time ago so PHEW, it started to rain again and got all grey like yesterday.  This was not right I had even used the Ache Build Your own Sacrifice to the Gods Kit to sacrifice the 3D goat, but it has been suggested to me that I should have sacrificed the 3D cardboard Tyrannosaurus Rex not the goat and that I used the wrong Alter. . . This is quite frankly rather embarrassing because The Ache Build Your own Sacrifice to the Gods Kit is a product of my own design and I was planning to pitch it at that Dragons Den lot on the television.  But I now feel I need to refine it a bit or I will be laughed at and ridiculed if I make it rain instead of being sunny, I mean this is Britain we seldom need more rain than we presently get and I don’t see any of that Dragons Den lot keen on investing in a way to make the weather even more rubbish than it presently is. No they look like they need some sun and warm weather to me.

Yes its another one of those quiet days again.  Or as Laika the first day in space would say. . . Hey this is cool. OOOooooo by the way how did you say I am getting back home?

OOooooooooooo yes I have not long eaten some pancakes. . . . YUM, that’s me not Laika I don’t think she was given pancakes she got special space gel . . . YUCK. 

A Poem about the Controversy of Assumed Colour

Alice in Wonderland and someone else

also drawn rather badly

Today I have had a quite day pottering about and getting a few things done although I still have only wrapped one small present so far (YICKS PANIC) anyway two things I noticed out in the real world while hiding within the safety of my home environment. It is a nice place home and I will admit I am a lucky chap to be a position to have a nice home and family and few real problems in life at present. Other than finding a way to reveal my many talents to the greater world, while remaining a quiet modest sort of chap who is happier being a bit of a reclusive grumpy bloke.

Anyway the two things that registered in my mind that led to tonight’s Poem. . . . The first was the ISS passing over at quarter to five this evening (I did go and wave to Tim). Then I noticed that there appears to be a bit of controversy about Hermione Granger being Black in the stage play . . . . . I think the main issue is that folk have got so attached to the characters from the  films that quite frankly it has frazzled a few minds that they could be quite so different.

The result of these two events is tonight’s Poem, one that questions our deep routed ideas about colour 

When it’s dark

And you look into Space

The flying saucers you see

Are probably an Alien race

And if they point

A ray-gun at your head

Blame the cat

Or Uncle Fred

I mean no one

Likes to be incinerated

By a beast with three eyes

And if you ask a policeman for help

He will just say you’re telling lies

And Uncle Fred will wave his stick

And the cat will meow

And then be sick

On the flying saucers clean doormat

Which is typical

Of the average cat

And the alien will bleep

And maybe shout

As both the cat and Uncle Fred

Run about

As we all stick kitchen foil

On our head

In case the alien

Tries to read our minds instead

And as the cat leaps out the door

And Uncle Fred hides on the floor

We remember the wise words

That granny once said

“Why are aliens always Green and never Red”?

Harry Houdini, Harry Potter and a question. . . Is JK Rowling an Alien

It is clear that folk do like a bit of escapism, not as in Harry Houdini the escapologist but as in Harry Potter and his ordeal with the forces of evil.  I mean if you think the big two films of the moment appear to be Star Wars and Star Trek and there is much excitement at the short taster of Strange Beasts and where to find them . . . the next almost Harry Potter film. I say almost because I don’t think he is in it, it is not like the Hitchcock films where he sneaks in as a bit part and maybe says Expelium acrowfly at a passing crow turning it into a cheesecake. (WHAT?)

Anyway the point I am getting too in my long winded way (a cunning plan to make my diary look dead interesting) is that magic and sci-fi, aliens and ghosties and other strange beasts have a massive following among the masses in their various formats. And the reason for this is the desire we all have to think there is more to life the universe and stuff than just poking at wasp’s nests with a pointy stick and smiling at cats. In case you are worried there may not be, its OK there is; I know for certain but it’s too long a story to explain why.  But as I say folk need interesting tales and have done for thousands of years, and this sort of led me to a thought, one that those of you of a strong religious belief in any particular faith may disapprove of. I will not be religion specific because different faiths have different beliefs and different holy books.

And here we are getting to the point of all this; could it be that books like the bible are in fact the ancient equivalent of Star Wars or Harry Potter. . . . OK I can see that at least one person is not happy, but it could be there are loads of dodgy holy books that have caused all sorts of issues over time because of mankind’s desire to belief in alien’s magic and strange beasts and the like. And they all do that good fighting evil stuff, I mean who is the most likely chap to see a strange light (or alien Spacecraft) to follow in the sky . . . a shepherd. . .  

And if Aliens beasts and Magic were in the mind of man a few thousand years ago man needs to ask why, could it be that aliens arrived thousands of years earlier and have assimilated themselves into the very fabric of mankind. Is it possible that I am the last real human. . . . . Look I know I’m a human because aliens would not type as badly as I do and come up with preposterously loony ideas that are not only very plausible but probably right. Maybe all the Magic and monsters are red herrings so to speak (If you don’t understand what a red herring is and think it’s a fish then you are an alien for sure), or maybe these are skills from those early aliens which are now lost. 

You see one thing I have discovered is that if you tell it like it is, as I do in my blog then no one will read it. This can only be because there is a conspiracy by alien wizards and space bears to suppress the truth as told my me. . . . .  it would also explain the popularity of Star Wars and Harry Potter. I know it means JK Rowling might be an alien, she does have very high hedges around her garden that could hide a spacecraft and I have never been invited to visit. 

So if you are an alien and would like to explain what your plans are then I suggest that you. . . . . . . . . . Take Me to Your Leader. . . .

And I know the Royal Family are all aliens with their secret hand signs as they pretend to wave at the public. 

How to avoid writers block . . . GO 3D instead

I was planning to write stuff tonight, in fact just a short time ago, but instead I made Flash Gordon (sort of) out of card. Well as they say a picture tells a thousand words, although making 3D spacemen from a few thoughts in your head with some card and a sharp knife and no idea where its heading is a right old game.

I did have to use a tiny bit of glue so sorry about that, space helmets need to be airtight or it will end in tears.  I think my blog is not going well at present

The Red Planet (Mars) DNA Programming and the Great Martian Quest

OK not great pics of the Blood Moon but I was quite pleased 

bearing in mind my dodgy telescope and camera

Have you noticed an interesting trend towards Mars based stuff, even as I type this those clever chaps at NASA are telling the world of the discovery of water still appearing on the surface of Mars in recent times. And it is worth considering that recently there has also been growing talk of trips to Mars. And even the private sector has talked of such things in the future, telling folk to book now for a window seat.

But is there more to all this than meets the eye is it possible that us humans are just part of a cunning plan by Martians. You see long before man was running about and pointing telescopes into space it was said that Mars would have probably had an Earth like atmosphere and environment. If life on the planet developed in the same way as it has on Earth then it is possible that millions of years ago Mars might have had highly intelligent life, long before Earth was even capable of supporting any life as such, even at cellular level

It is also possible that this intelligent life was aware for what ever reason that their own planet was doomed for many millions of years as far as any form of reasonably sized critter was concerned. So what they did was seeded Earth with the DNA of their own species knowing that one day an intelligent creature would eventually evolve that would be programmed to return to Mars and re-inhabit it.  So rather that Man going boldly into space it might be man is genetically programmed to return to Mars because that is our original home. A bit like we all like to go to the sea and watch it for hours, when the reality is its just water splashing about. But its sort of in our DNA we came from the sea, the point is did the critters that evolve in the sea start as a genetic engineering project by Martians.

Look at what happened last night at 3:00 am here in Britain, we were all out looking at the Moon . . .  A Red Moon. Now we are all told it was red because the Earth obscures the sun and the resulting effect is a Red Moon, but maybe not.

Mars is called The Red Planet maybe this Red Glow is some sort of strange beam from the Planet Mars enhancing mans desire to go to Mars, even the background glow of the universe is called The Red Shift.  You see it is all adding up, just how many films have been made about Aliens from Mars, OK sometimes they make films with aliens from other planets but they are few in number in comparison.

  

I think in a few thousand years the remains of Mankind will be looking towards Earth from Mars and laughing hysterically about us, finally knowing we were merely a stepping stone in the great Martian plan to return to their own planet to recolonize it. Mankind will no longer be Mankind by then, they will be 100% Martians and there is nothing we can do to stop it.

Except maybe. . . . . . . . . . No I’m sure you don’t really want to know. 

I bet that Professor Brian Cox is a Martian.              

HD85512b also known as Earth 2 or Super Earth and possible issues that may arise

Earlier today while busy doing stuff I was contemplating writing an interesting tale about HD85512b or Earth Two as it has become known in the press.  Humans have long been keen to meet aliens and the like and this is a great opportunity if it was just a bit closer.  But then I thought to myself even if we did meet them communication would be rubbish.  We sort of assume most of the time that because as humans we are clever it would all be easy and anyway if aliens get to Earth they would be super clever and work out what we were talking about.

Well there are two important points, the first of which is if we are so damn clever how come we have never managed to talk to other species on Planet Earth. All critters communicate using some sort of language (OK some of the tiny ones don’t).  Maybe it is possible that science has already achieved this but it is an official secret for rather logical reasons, I mean imagine how folk would feel about eating beef if the following conversation happened every time you went near a field of cows.

Oooooo hello rob what have you got there is it nice

Ah yes its a burger, they are rather popular

It looks interesting is it made of grass

No its a bun made of bread with fried onions, a bit of mustard and A meat burger

meat???

Well when I say meat I mean stuff

Stuff. . . . . What sort of stuff

Well mmmm sort of beef

WHAT

Well its only a bit of meat, a tiny bit really Look

AAAuuuuugghhhh that looks like Gertrude.

Gertrude no its just a burger I mean I would never eat Gertrude, well certainly not any important bits.

I don’t like you any more

Ah sorry about that Look I will only eat sheep

Bastard. . . . . . . 

Well as humans kill or eat almost everything that moves communicating with it would cause issues so it might well be that science and the powers that be have suppressed this.

Of course the second issue is if super intelligent aliens did turn up they would look upon us in the same way we look upon Cows and think hey these critters will make great burgers. Leading to the following conversation

You can not eat us . . . we are Humans

and very tasty you are too

No you don’t understand we are intelligent beings

Are you sure . . . you have not done much

Yes we have . . .  we have been to the moon

AH hah ahah ah ah ah a hahah ah ahah h a ha hah ah ahaha ha you are funny critters the moon is just up there I mean it is not exactly very far is it.

Well we have stuff like Mmmmmmmmmmmm toasters and bombs and love a good war

Well I think that sort of proves our point. that is just a waist of a good burger. Look I tell you what I will not eat the squishy bits I don’t like them anyway, you can keep them

WHAT

Now just hop into this liquidiser

Bastard

So despite the human desire to meet aliens, one would have to conclude that it would not end well.  Let’s face it if we manage to get to a planet in the future will we communicate with the life on it or eat it, particularly if it has four legs and is cow shaped.

Total Gibberish Caused by Persistent Writers Block

George had moved to King Street because of his obsession with all things connected with space and aliens, in fact it was this obsession that led to him painting his wife Mavis green. She did not object too much although she did say later that she would have preferred to have been warned in advance rather than wake up in the morning covered in green paint.  George himself said that he had never entirely understood Mavis and by painting her green she made a very good Martian, and he was working on a Martian Phrase book. Although Mavis was convinced she was speaking English and told George that everyone else understood her perfectly well.

It was rather ironic then that several weeks later George received a text message from Mavis to tell him she had been abducted by humans who were planning to do terrible experiments on her.  In reality she had run off with Mr Clark the librarian to Spain because the stress of being a Martian had become to much and as she told Mr Clark, George was completely mad.

Several houses along King Street at No24 lived Harold Beckman famous as the first British man in space, who spent several weeks on the International Space Station until the accident where he uttered those famed words HOuston we have a problem. . . . Again?  Since then Harold always kept a small can of oil about his person and insisted that his door hinges were oiled once a week.  As he told the postman on many occasions as he oiled the hinges of his front door . . . Nobody wants a squeaky door on the air lock. . .  He often referred to the front porch as the air lock. It was his four days trapped in the airlock of the International Space Station that had brought this way of thinking about, and his early retirement was finally thought for the best after he started to wrap his head in Kitchen foil and was found oiling the wrong end of the cat.

After Mavis was abducted (ran off) George spent many hours discussing this with Harold who said the Aliens were everywhere sabotaging all the critical doors around the world so that one day when they invaded folk would find they were immobilized by jammed doors making mankind useless and unable to defend themselves.

Their friendship however came to an abrupt halt when a young assistant at Boots the Chemist handed over some photographs he had developed for Mr Harold Beckman of them (George and Harold) both dressed as Penguins in a state of arousal. It was a great scoop for the local press but not so good for Harold, George or the assistant at Boots the Chemist who was sacked for breach of confidentiality.  Harold kept his front door locked after that and George ran off to Spain to escape from sniggering neighbours, where he found Mavis working in a tapas bar. She told George that her mind had been wiped by men in white coats so she had forgotten about him. They got back together after a bit and are now often seen scampering along the Spanish beaches wearing Penguin suits and giggling.

I hate Writers Block. . . When will it finally go. . . .AAAAuuuuuggghhhhh.

Einstein, The Theory of Relativity, Chaos Theory and a Chicken

While listening to the wireless this morning there was a little article on about Einstein who as we all know was a clever chap. I did not hear all of what they were saying because it was before 9.00am and far too early for me to focus on Einstein or even the cat at that time of the morning.  Anyway I sort of heard someone say something about how his theory of relativity resulted in a rational structured model of the Universe.

Well it was that statement that finally woke me up, well when I say woke I grunted and sort of pored tea into myself and waved at a terrible blinding light, which turned out to be a bed side light.  You see saying the Universe is structured and rational fails to take into account something rather important and that is time.  OK yes I know what you are thinking, saying Einstein has not thought about time is like saying the Chicken has never thought about crossing the road.

But the key point is not so much time, but the rate at which time passes or the time, time takes to pass. Think of a car crash if you slow it down so that the few seconds it takes can be watched over a period of several hours then it becomes a predictable event. We can watch things fly about hit one another and predict the outcome.  Well the Universe is basically a car crash in slow motion, our own life span is so short relatively, that we only see a tiny fraction of the event and it all looks rather structured.  If it was speeded up millions of times it would just appear to be a rather chaotic and disorganized fireworks display.

So consider the following options

If I was to say the Earth will be destroyed in ten million years folk would say Gosh well that’s OK and carry on without a worry.

If I then said the Earth will be destroyed in one thousand years folk would say well that’s not long is it, but hey I’ll be OK.

If you tell folk the Earth will be destroyed in one day’s time folk will run about panicking and eating ice cream.

You see it is not the event that is scary but the timing, tell a Mayfly the Earth has only one day left and he will say that’s an entire lifetime, Phew that is lucky for me.  It is a known fact that Andromeda and the Milky Way will collide in about four billion years and that the moon is moving away from earth at about two inches a year and will one day vanish off and cause chaos in our own solar system. Plus the sun is due to become a Red Dwarf and will swallow the earth up. You see the Universe is just Chaos theory in slow motion so when I heard that Einstein’s Theory of Relativity was been used to suggest the Universe was structured I thought Noooooooooooooooo the Universe is chaos. . . . Well mine is most of the time.

Anyway don’t panic the Earth will not be destroyed for at least a few more weeks yet so there is loads of time . . . . AH well a bit of time and as I have already said time is entirely an abstract idea.

Roger (Rocket) Ravens . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Roger (Rocket) Ravens

Roger or Rocket to everyone that knew him had one ambition in life and that was to be the first man on the moon and so he spent his life building the Ravens Rocket Mk1 in his garden in Port Talbot. The only town who would allow anyone to build and launch a sizeable rocket from a suburban back garden without a licence.  Making it the rocket capital of Europe for a short time until the local council truly understood the risks.

It took many years to complete but with the assistance of several eminent thinkers and engineers of the time including Marlin Mascots, Harrison Horsechestnut Hutt, Arnold Alexander Axle Armstrong-Atlas and Miss Yemiliano Yaragoza he did finally finish his rocket in 1869, and on July 20th set off on his greatest adventure destroying several houses and a café on take off which did not go down well.  At this stage Mr Quinton Quantum-Quizzical said to the assembled press we know Roger (Rocket) Ravens is in his rocket but we do not know if he is alive or dead and therefore we have a paradox where both states can exist at the same time.

The trip lasted about 9 days in total and he successfully landed back in the Port Talbot  allotments, which did not go down well as it was reaching the point where the main harvest was due, and complains were made to the council.  The massed crowds were egger to see the large quantities of blue moon cheese they had heard of, but Roger (Rocket) Ravens only had a pile of grey rock. At this point folk lost interest as Port Talbot had lots of rock already and they did not really want more. And the hopes of selling Welsh rarebit made with moon cheese as a tourist attraction had now vanished into the dust (grey moon dust).

A few weeks later Roger discovered his rocket smashed up and in bits in his garden, an act of vandalism thought to have been undertaken by angry allotment holders. The local newspaper the Port Talbot Gazette proudly ran the main headline that night . . . . Who Killed Rogers Rocket. . . . A headline that has never been surpassed to this day by the local paper.

However  Roger (Rocket) Ravens was content knowing he was the first man to walk on the moon and that one day someone will find a Welsh flag with a large Welsh rarebit next to it (Rogers Rarebit  . . . . HA HAH AH ah ah ah ah ah hha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha).

The Eclipse, StarGazing Live, Professor Brian Cox and the Sacrifice at the Village Market.

Oooooooo I took this picture of the eclipse I was very pleased with it 

Here in our little village we have a really great market, it sort of arrived here about two years ago by accident when the market stall holders fell out with the owners of the previous location.  So Friday morning is always market day when the villagers go and we all have our ritual of shuffling round the stalls buying exciting stuff and chatting about what has happened over the week.

However today was different, you see this morning the great gods in the sky spoke to us telling us it was time  to appease them (the gods) with a sacrifice of some sort. And while doing this we were to wear silly glasses that meant we could not see a thing resulting in us falling about in a haphazard way. Luckily I did not have any silly glasses only the ones I wear every day to see where I am going, but I did get my trusty three and a half inch reflector telescope out with its special filter that allowed me to watch the Gods as they battled in the sky. And by way of sacrifice I ate Bacon sandwiches and stocked up with cakes for later as I have heard rumour of the super moon. It appears those Gods are very active. This is what happens when folk stop having bacon and piling rocks up into interesting piles or forming rings out of the big ones.

Anyway we survived the wrath of the Dogs (sorry Gods) and I managed to get a couple of cool pictures of the eclipse. Plus I got to eat Bacon Butty’s and I have cake to eat while watching those strange wizards on the TV tonight, Professor Brian Cox and Mr Dara O Briain as they tell us how they have satisfied the Gods for now on the very interesting StarGazing Live TV show.  They smile a lot and never eat cake and I think we all know what that means.

 Its at times like this we need to remember the late great Sir Patrick Moore, I bet he would have been smiling a lot too.

OH did I mention I burnt a hole through my hand today. . . . . DAMN

The Aurora Borealis, Professor Brian Cox and why are humans not that hairy. . .The big Question

I have not pondered any big questions of late and this might explain part of the entire lack of interest in my blog at present, well that and my ability to ramble on about absolutely nothing. So I thought come on Rob Z Tobor time to look at the bigger picture and consider one of those Big Questions one where the answer is far from clear even for a chap like me. You see I was outside last night looking at the sky, on the off chance I might see the Aurora Borealis; did I see a hint of green through the mist and trees I will never know for sure, but stuff like that happens. Was that a three headed dog running along the dark ally at the back of the chip shop with a large lizard in its mouth (mouths), life is full of little glimpses of things out the corner of your eye that make you think . . . . . . Was that really a ???? . . . There is a whole different world in the corner of human eyes.

Anyway while I was out not seeing the Aurora Borealis, wrapped up against the cold with a selection of warm clothes watched by two cats who ran off when they thought they heard a three headed dog, (it was only three of next doors dogs howling at a banshee).  I had this thought why are humans not covered in hair . . . . No I mean proper hair like gorillas or bears (who are not bare) if we are the descendants of the great apes we should be covered in hair but we are not. This is odd because normally where an animal exists both in a hairy species and bald species the bald one spends its entire life in caves and has rubbish eyesight. And if you look at humans as a whole it is amazing how many wear glasses and have rubbish eyesight. Me for one if I take my glasses off I would be unable to tell the difference between a gorilla and say a hedgehog so I have to make sure I am wearing my glasses if I go out in the garden looking for hedgehogs (they taste delicious HAH AHah hahahah ah ah ah ah ha ha hha ha ha ha hahah ha haha haha ha ha ha). Add to this the fact that a lot of the very earliest evidence for man can be found in caves and potholing is still a popular sport made me ponder the very distinct possibility that the human race is in fact rather less a great ape as a rather weird sort of Monkey Mole or maybe a Mole Monkey.

I mean what was the first thing that man started making back in the stone age it was burial mounds or as the very hairy Great Apes would say as they pointed at the large mound. . . . . . . WOW . . . .  ****** look at the size of that mole hill. 

I don’t want to be a mole . . . . . . . DAMN.

Oooooo that reminds me Stargazing Live with Professor Brian Cox is on the TV tonight. . .  

Great Paradoxes of Modern Life Part 2

The Great Paradoxes of Modern Life Part 2

1. . . . . Everyone should stand up and be Counted

2 . . . . . . . . . . . . .It is easier to count, sitting Down

Stargazing Live, Professor Brian Cox, Dara O Briain and the classic film The Day of the Triffids..

Today has been one of those rare days that we seldom see at present it has been sunny and not windy although there is still plenty of water about in fields and on the roads and other places where water would normally not be on mass. I have armed everyone I can with pointy sticks to protect us from the possible invasion by the Toad People from the Planet Todimimiun 3. It may well be that tonight will be stage one of their attack using the cunning tactics of the intelligent intergalactic reptile mind, you see they plan to use distraction to start with followed by an idea they have picked up from the classic old 1962 film . . . . .  The Day of the Jackal  . . . hang on that’s not right I mean the classic old 1962 film. . . . . The Day of the Triffids.   You see tonight is the third and last night of Stargazing Live where Professor Brian Cox and his sidekick  Dara O Briain  who we know are in cahoots with the Toad People from the Planet Todimimiun 3 because of the Brian connection to  Aliens; (if you are confused you really need to read yesterdays diary entry) even Briain is almost Brian so enough said me thinks………

You see on stargazing live there was much talk of the aurora borealis being rather spectacular tonight and possibly visible from the UK about midnight.  If you all remember it was the lights that made everyone blind in . . . The Day of the Triffids after which they were eaten by the Triffids.

All this is far too much of a coincidence and it should be remembered that Toads and Aliens much prefer to attack their prey at night. So my advice is if you see the aurora borealis (due as I said sometime around midnight) then you are likely to be attacked and eaten by the Toad People of Todimimiun 3, but they are all called Brian so confuse them first by shouting something like look out Brian. SIR Patrick Moore is behind you then stab at them with your pointy stick or hit them with your telescope if all else fails.  And remember to wear dark sunglasses if you do see the aurora borealis, or the Toad People will get you for sure.

Oooooo yes talking of the foreshore I have a feeling that Toads like the Triffids do not like salt water so make sure if the alien invasion gets underway to watch the film The Day of the Triffids, the 1962 one not one of the rubbish remakes that will only confuse you; and keep a pointy stick handy. . . . .

OK chaps it is every man for himself so Tally Ho and the best of luck, if all goes to plan we will be eating toad pie for the rest of the year. . . . . . . . . YUM . . . . . no hang on YUCK . . . 

Rain, Stargazing Live, Professor Brian Cox and the Toad People of Todimimiun 3

It has been wet blustery and grey again today and as the ground is now completely saturated it is gently snaking off down hill in pursuit of the sea. This has now gone on for a while, in fact it is a period of time that one could almost call unnatural which means that something unnatural must be happening and therefore there is one very simple explanation. So I feel I need to tell you all what is happening, you see Britain is being prepared for invasion by the Toad People from the Planet Todimimiun 3 who have their spacecraft hidden behind the moon even as I type…..   O yes that explains that rather strange large moon last night, they are just making sure that none of us Brits notice.

And it is no good thinking its OK the rest of the world will come to our rescue because, for one reason and another us Brits are not entirely the most popular nation in the world. Well lets face it some of the folk in positions of power have in the past not been entirely nice to other nations to put it mildly, what with delusions of empire and being better than everyone else.  So it is very likely that the rest of the world may see the sacrifice of Britain as a small price to pay in order to avoid all out war with the alien Toad people from  Todimimiun 3, well folk don’t like touching a small cute toad, yet alone a ten foot tall toad called Brian….

AH yes this brings us to an interesting point told to me by Mr Jones the Alien hunter, it appears all the Toad People are called Brian a name picked to lull us Brits into a false sense of security. No one is going to believe that something called Brian is going to harm them even if it is ten feet tall and has just swallowed their cat.  And this brings us to yet another point, you see on the television tonight is the start of the BBC stargazing live programme where they will go out of their way to insist that there is no such thing as the Toad People from the Planet Todimimiun 3.  And who is the person who will dismiss this theory as ludicrous madness, but none other than Professor BRIAN Cox . . . . . . . Yes note the name I think this says it all, the Professor is in cahoots with the Toad People or worse than that . . . . .  is one of the toad people.

Just look at the drawing of these Aliens which Mr Jones was able to do while out in the woods, that chirpy smile the enthusiastic sparkly eyes, the trendy shoes and the antennae, who does this remind us of . . . . . . Well none other than the Professor  . . .  Professor Brian Cox . . . . . . . . . . I rest my case and suggest we all take to the hills.

You may laugh and say I’m mad, but you just wait till you see a large toad in your bath you wont laugh then………………..  

Birthdays and other things

It has been a sunny day and although now dark the sky is still clear and the stars and half a moon are up in the night sky, I suspect someone has pinched the other half.  I noticed that India sent a rocket to Mars the other day (I cant remember if I mentioned it or not) and I have seen various comments floating about in cyberspace saying that the Indian Mars Mission is remarkably cheap in comparison to previous ones. It made me think that maybe what we need is some sort of competition like the one the Wright brothers won when they flew their helicopter over the Statue of Liberty in 1907.  We need some sort of competition to make a rocket to go to the moon, say for less that price of the average car or even  made out of an average car.

Earlier today we were at a surprise birthday party for Mr D who was 40, it was a good party and everyone had a great time and loads of good food. We left a bit early because we needed to go and see Mr M who continues to battle away poking his imaginary pointy stick at the gods to fend them off a little longer.  However since I started writing my diary many odd little coincidences have happened and I suspect that tomorrow may see yet another one. As many of you know my diary has several locations in cyberspace including my blog which is a bit like Captain Kirks Ships log on the Starship Enterprise and tomorrow’s blog post will be the 1000^th one. In blog terms this is quite an achievement (well I think so), but I can’t help but think this is going to coincide with Mr M finally loosing his battle with the gods.

If anyone is wondering about my picture tonight it is a long story but I now have to master drawing President Putin. Most of you will think WHAT but someone will not and he knows who he is. . . . . . .   

Aliens are from Venus, Zombies are from Popular television shows.

As I said yesterday the Ghost Writer had to go into his office today to do things, he is not happy apparently he has got five more working days till Christmas, it does not sound much to me. He says that there is only eight of nine more Saturdays till Christmas and only about three weeks until Easter eggs start appearing in the shops and the hardiest of folk start queuing up to buy the Boxing day sale bargains.  As someone who makes things out of cardboard boxes, Boxing Day is a good day as in general there are lots of empty boxes about that folk do not want.

The Ghost Writer says he wrote the greatest technical paper ever written about something no one is interested in and then he shouted at some software.  Of course his technical paper is technically not the greatest technical paper ever written as my diary is, although it uses a lot of paper. It is also the dynamic opposite of his technical paper as everyone is interested in my diary, well everyone except the very nice Mr Steven Spielberg, but I now put this down to the fact it is too heavy to pick up these days and he is getting a little older than he was.

To slightly change the subject myself and Mr Jones noticed a bright light in the sky to the west tonight, low on the horizon hovering in the air at dusk.  So it is plainly an alien Venusian Battle craft masquerading as a planet, but we known, they can’t fool us, we have not been turned into Zombies getting excited by folk baking cakes, and things like that in order to win a glass cake stand.

Those Zombies are testing the human population and once enough folk spend the night watching cakes bake, or so called celebrities who keep telling the nice Mr Spielberg I am mad, dancing in circles or the man from the butchers singing the green green grass of home while his dog tap dances; they will make their move (that’s the Zombies not the dancers). Well that’s if the aliens don’t get here first and end up in a battle to the death battle with Zombies while the human race phone up to vote for the fire eating granny from Blackpool or a French ventriloquist oblivious of what is going on outside (that’s the humans not the French ventriloquist) .

AH . . . . . . . DAMN I got all distracted again, this diary is getting a bit erratic. Anyway I got a photograph of the alien battle cruiser with the Steam powered Y Ray telescope as evidence of what is going on.  People don’t believe me without evidence which is quite frankly unbelievable.  

Reuniouns, Proof of Aliens Breeding on Earth and Dogs

Before I return to tell more of the secret mission on the South Wales coast I must first let you know I have been close to the North Wales Coast today on what was a grand reunion for old school friends. I must also add that although I was there it was not a grand reunion for my school and I did not have a clue who anyone was, and they did not know who I was, although they all knew each other. It is odd being at the grand reunion of folk who have not seen one another for up to 40 odd years or so when you have never met them before, but they were all very nice people and I got to have a nice lunch, a hot chocolate and an exciting drive along some of the wettest motorways I have ever been on which was well scary….

So while on the subject of wet scary things I should show you my proof of aliens breeding on the beaches of Saundersfoot in Pembrokeshire, because it is rather convincing. And before anyone thinks I have been tinkering with the picture I can assure you I have not. The only thing I have not worked out is do these aliens remain tiny aliens in which case they can sneak about unseen, after all I did photograph those Nano-Alien spacecraft way back when and those two bits of evidence do rather link up rather well. On the other hand they could grow into huge aliens very fast and pass themselves off as members of the yacht club; in fact could it be the local yacht club is a front for alien activity.

Note the little Alien faces as they emerge from their shells

 One other small thing I noticed about beaches is they have a strange effect on two particular creatures on the planet; both go a bit silly when placed on a nice sandy beach, Humans and Dogs.  Is there a reason for this what is in both men and dogs that makes them run about on beaches digging holes and chasing balls, is the fact that a dog will see man as a god and god is in fact dog backwards significant. Could it be that we both emerged from the primitive earth’s sea millions of years ago at the same time, man throwing his first pointy stick at his prey only to have it returned by a primitive dog wagging his tail and waiting for a treat, did this lead to the hotdog (lead . . . dog . . . Hah HAHHAH ha hah ha hah ha hah ha hah hah ah ah ah ha hhhah hahah ha hah hah ha ha ha hahah ah)      

A thin thread of reality between other dimensions

Yesterday I was off with friends having a meal so what with everything else going on a diary entry was out of the question due to time. Time is jolly annoying at present and I am trying to do my best to create more of it, but of course time is not an isolated component of the universe it goes hand in hand with space. And as a result things are getting a little confused as the general concept of space is getting right confused. It is a little known fact we effectively walk on a thin thread of reality and either side of us are other dimensions where the other us wanders about doing things also.  I have noticed rather annoyingly that when I do get odd glimpses of other dimensions in the reflections caused by the time space shift I am right handed. Although I appear still to be in the minority as most folk are left handed.

 I have always been reassured that the other me, the right handed me will always wave back when I see them and wave.

Anyway between attempts at shifting time (the Einstein Cube is in a safe place? or sort of lost) and waving at my other self I have had a bonfire and have grovelling about in hedges and watched swallows. The swallows are starting to get ready to fly off a sure sign of Autumn not being far away…….  Oooooo yes the swallows are not in the hedges by the way.  

Life the Universe and Everything and the discovery of Forty Two.......

You can be pottering about minding your own business cutting some grass and hedges looking for creatures to do battle with, footprints of Zombies, and evidence of alien life in the undergrowth, when something will pop up at you like a little beacon.  In my case it was a number that sort of popped up in the garage. You see the nature of my diary and my bumbling about in cyberspace as the eccentric child of cyberspace, having strange and quirky adventures means that I can relate to the number forty two rather well. And there it was staring me in the face in the garage; the number that we all know represents the answer to life the universe and everything from that book written by that chap Douglas Adams who interestingly enough was left handed and owned a rather cool left-handed Watkins Guitar just like myself. 

Forty  Two

I think what this must imply is that through my own rather strange tale in the voids of cyberspace I am getting very close to finally solving the question to the answer that forty two represents. In other words I am on the brink of discovering what the universe is finally all about.

In the meantime however I have decided to go off and find a wild mad beast to draw in the darkest recesses of the garden. There are creatures out there that man has not yet set his foot on (sorry his eye on), no hang on probably best to stick you foot on it first, lets face it most things sting or bite humans although you cant blame them really, folk keep sticking there feet on them. . . . . . . HAH HAH AH HH AH HHAH HAHHA HAH HAH HAH HAH HA HAH ah ha hah ah ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ha ha hah a hah h h hh h ha hah hhahah hah  . . . . . . Mum just said IDIOT.

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Rob Z Quatermass and the Pit, also starring Mr Jones as Mr Jones

Dad has always said it is good to finish the job you start so I was sent down into the deep dark damp smelly pit to remove the last huge bit of root, which luckily I was able to do highly successfully. Interestingly though under the huge root was the edge of a large silver disk that gently hummed, WELL COOL. I was clearing the mud off it when Mr Jones saw it and said what ever I did not to poke at it with a sharp stick as this was an alien spacecraft and these were seriously grumpy aliens, who have been known to destroy whole planets because someone has poked their spacecraft with a pointy stick.

Rob Z Quatermass and the Pit

So Mr Jones shouted into the deep dark damp smelly pit . . . . TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, but the large silver disk just hummed at him and did nothing. Anyway as we waited I got bored and had sort of sharpened a pointy stick to a nice sharp point and thought, maybe if I just jabbed at it (the large silver disk) a couple of times they might wake up and chat to Mr Jones.

Mr Jones said that was a bit of an error so after a quick assessment of the situation we both decided to runaway rather fast.

Yes I know I sort of poked at them a bit with a pointy stick but don’t blame me if they turn up and eat you, its not my fault, it appears they are grumpier than I thought they might be……

OK I must run . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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