Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Z is for APPLE?

The Slightly eccentric A to Z blogging adventure of unknown and rather unpopular Modern fairy tales

Z       Z is for APPLE?

If you are saying . . . . WHAT? It means just one thing you did not read A . . . . . . Naughty

So I will repeat some of it here.

The apple is a fruit that grows on trees (I think), it might be green or red or green and red or even a sort of yellowish green. They are often used to make pies and are useful to hide drugs in that make princesses sleep for a very long time or until some interfering prince comes along and ruins things,  ooo yes and a Wise Handsome (OK grumpy) Writer.

The princess of course is Princess Zelda, and the prince is Prince Zillion, and the Apple has been to put it bluntly, zapped by the Wicked Witch of the West who is still angry that the Writer ran off in the letter W, and the writer is ME.

Our tale starts in the Zoo at the Zebra enclosure when Princess Zelda is given an apple as a treat by the wicked witch disguised as a Zoo Keeper. The Princess then very conveniently eats the apple near a bed in a big glass room and falls asleep. The spell can only be broken when she is kissed by a Prince, or so we are lead to believe but then you cant believe every thing you read in fairy tales, particularly alphabetical ones.

Then one day a prince is passing, Prince Zillion who sees the sleeping Princess “I will kiss her and we will live happily ever after in my castle near Zanzibar or was it Z├╝rich” says the prince. So he kisses Princess Zelda and waits.

Then Princess Zelda snored ZZZZZZZZ ZZZzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz………… 

“That’s a loud snore” said Albert the Abyssinian Automatic Alabaster Android as he was passing on his way to see King Alfonso the Architect.

Prince Zillion sighed and said “yes”.

Three Biggish Brown Bears stopped and said “that’s a loud snore as they waited for there porridge to cool”.

Prince Zillion sighed and said “yes”

Then a cuddly Cat passed looking for a Canary to eat and the Cuddly Cat meowed and ran away when Princess Zelda snored because it was very loud.

Then Doris the Dragon came along looking for tins of meat and said “Gosh that is a very loud snore”.

 Prince Zillion sighed and said “yes and it appears to be getting louder”.
And Princess Zelda snored ZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZ ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

Then Edward the Egret was frightened away as he thought to himself oooooooo I just fancy an electric eel for dinner.

Then Florance the fire Fairy, some Ghosts, Goats and Gannets flew past and they all said “WOW that is the loudest snore we have ever heard”.

Prince Zillion sighed and said “yes I agree”

Then Henrietta the Happy Harpie, an Indigo Iguana, Jack and Jill and King Kevin, Lucinda the Little Leprechaun and her Leopard all passed and said “Was that thunder or an earthquake”?

Prince Zillion sighed and said “No it is Princess Zelda snoring”
And Princess Zelda snored 

Then a Mole and a Mouse passed and said nothing but looked knowingly at each other, closely followed by the Nemesis of the Night, an Osprey and an Ocelot, the Pie Piper of Pontefract and a very Quick Queen holding a very very very Round Rabbit. They all stopped and said “that is a very very very loud snore”…..

Prince Zillion sighed and said “yes yes yes yes I know”
And Princess Zelda snored 

Then a large Snake called Sydney hisssssssssed and a Tiger muttered it was time for bed and the Undead Ukulele players of Utopia ran about chasing a football, which amused a Vole and a Vampire as they both said “Vootball”, but off in the distance they spotted a Zombie holding a sign staggering towards them and they looked at each other, laughed hysterically and shouted “ A Vombie . . . . . . HAH HAH HAHH HAH HAH HAH HAH AHH HAHAHH HHa”

Prince Zillion sighed
And Princess Zelda snored

Then the Wicked Witch of the West said “Ha Ha, I have sorted you this time, Princess Zelda will never be woken up by a Prince”; as a pirate passed with a map that had a large X on it, His parrot saying “Whose a pretty ZOMBIE then”.

And Princess Zelda snored

Prince Zillion sighed yet again and said “I have had enough of this, Princess Zelda is very very noisy”, and so he ran off with Yasmin of the Yemen and they lived happily ever after on a yellow yacht.
And Princess Zelda snored 

But a passing Zombie holding a sign Kissed Princess Zelda who woke up and said, “oooooooo you’re handsome”.

The Wicked Witch of the West was not happy and said “that’s not meant to happen; I’ll get that Writer for this . . . . . . And what does that sign say anyway”

Princess Zelda looked up at the sign and said………….

“The END”

 . . . . . .  . . . .  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 


Monday, 29 April 2013

Young Yorick and the Yellow Yacht

The Slightly eccentric A to Z blogging adventure of unknown and rather unpopular Modern fairy tales

Y Young Yorick and the Yellow Yacht

X =Y squared said the young youth in his yellow yak coat.
Your new here said Yasmin of the Yemen  . . .
Yes; why” said the Youth, who was called Yorick  
No one wears Yellow Yak coats in York these days said Yasmin of the Yemen.
“Y” said young yorik.
“Well it is so Yesterday” said Yasmin of the Yemen, Yawning.
“And X=Y squared is very Yuck, much like your Yellow Yak”, said Yasmin still yawning.
“Well back in Yarmouth on my yellow yacht everyone says my Yellow Yak coat is very trendy” said YOUNG Yorick.
“A yellow yacht” said yasmin of the Yemen.
“Yes a Large Yellow Yacht” said Young Yorick.
“I like large yellow yachts and yellow yak coats rather a lot” said Yasmin of the Yemen
“And what about Yams” said young yorick
“Yes and yams” said Yasmin of the Yemen.

Of course young Yorick was telling a yarn, and in fact was rather poor, and many months later when Yasmin of the Yemin met an old friend called Yoko, Yoko asked Yasmin of the Yemen why she had married Young Yorick when she had always said she was going to marry a wealthy prince.

And Yasmin of the Yemen said . . . . . . . “Alas Poor Yorick he lied so well”.

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Normal Service Will Resume Shortly


It’s Sunday afternoon (sorry evening now) and it has started raining and has gone a bit on the chilly side. As everyone knows I have been writing the greatest fairy tales in the world so far this year, so not much news has been told to the eager masses desperate to know what I have been doing. Well to tell the truth not a great deal really, despite the fact we have had a few sunny days.

I am still digging a zombie defence trench from time to time, when ever I am chained to a nearby tree and told to dig or I get no food. Dad says it’s the old carrot and stick method of raising children and it is what made him the man he is today. A mad bloke who makes things no one needs and shouts at passing folk and hates supermarkets, in other wards an average man in the street.

Mr Jones has been told yet again he is not allowed to hunt aliens in the nude by the police but he has found a solution (no not a fluid but an answer), he found a skin tight lycra all in one nude man suit in a fancy dress shop in the great metropolis. He says it helps to keep him warm but its one great disadvantage is it can be a bit awkward when he needs to go to the toilet. A subject of conversation best left to Mr Jones and his encounters with aliens, a topic which I think may be the reason for not seeing any aliens this month.  

Anyway I only have two letters left to deal with now the Y and Z and I have just realized I have not drawn a picture for either yet which is a bit of bother, so I think I better go and do my bit. One thing I have learnt to my great dismay is that the public do not like fairy tales and since the start of my epic journey back at on the 1st April my diary has become less popular.  Leading me to believe that the mention of the alphabet may not be in my best interest in the future, I have been reassured by the dog however that avoiding the alphabet is as easy as A B C . . . . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN

Mum has just said IDIOT

Ooooooooo yes the chicken says Hello.

Saturday, 27 April 2013

X mark’s the Spot

X X mark’s the Spot (yes yes yes,  but I did all the clever words last year)  

X marks the spot” said the old pirate looking at his map Har Har Har Har.
So he sailed the seven seas until he saw an island.
Where he saw a shepherd and said “I be looking for this X . . . . .  Har Har Har”
And the shepherd said “I have only seen ewes”.
So the old pirate walked across the island where he saw a curious man.
And the pirate said to the curious man “I be looking for this X … . .. . .. . Har Har Har”
And the curious man said “why”.
He walked past a large castle and said to a princess“I be looking for this X . . . … .  Har Har Har”.
But the princess was sleeping and said “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz” rather a lot.
Then the pirate stood under a coconut palm where he saw a parrot and he said to the parrot “I be looking for this X . . . . . . . . . Har Har Har”.
And the parrot said “you’re holding that map upside down” and so the pirate turned the map the right way up and the parrot asked the pirate “what letter are you looking for now”.
And the pirate said “I still be looking for an X . . . . . . . . Har Har Har”.
And the parrot said “you mean like the large X twenty paces from that coconut tree over there”.
And the pirate said “Gold”.
And the pirate and the parrot lived happily ever after, hunting the letter X.


Friday, 26 April 2013

The wise witch of Woolworth’s

The Slightly eccentric A to Z blogging adventure of unknown and rather unpopular Modern fairy tales

W  The wise witch of Woolworth’s

The wicked Witch of the West had wooed the young eccentric Writer into her world with words of wealth and wisdom and a large life size waxwork of himself in the Wondrous museum of wonders. All he had to do was write a wild and wistful fairytale for each letter of the alphabet which he thought was well easy.  And sure enough he started well enough with a wink and a wave to his pet waxwing, but as the days passed he grew weary and the wet weather was wearing him down.  “Its not easy Writing with five woolly jumpers on” said the writer, but the wicked witch pointed to paintings on  the walls and said “that is what all these writers said and now they are buried in the woods Wotting (sorry rotting) and being eaten by worms and wiggly things with wings”. The Wicked Witch laughed hysterically WhA WA WhA Wh A WAwaaawawawawawawawawawawa wa wa wa wa waw ha  ha ha, then she said “ You only have X and Y and Z to go now, OK and half of W, so I will not throw you in the wishing well”.

What day of the week is it thought the writer, is it Wednesday, but it was not it was Friday, still it did mean the Weekend was about to start and he would have time to work out fairytales for Y and Z. Then he noticed a wigwam and a wicker chair and a wrestling Whale covered in Wold painting a Wheelbarrow White, What a stroke of luck said the Writer, but the Wicked Witch of the west shouted “WHAT?”

Yes it was the Wise Witch of Woolworths conjuring up W words out of the Wind which was whistling in the castle wings as the weather vane whirled like a wheel.  Stop it shouted the Wicked Witch of the West, as a weasel wearing wellington boots walked by; Stop it Stop it Stop it” whined the Wicked Witch of the West…..

And as the Wicked Witch of the West and the Wise witch of Woolworths waved their arms and Writhed about in a whirlwind of spells, the young eccentric writer wondered off into the sunset and lived happily ever after. . . . . . . . . . .Well for a while anyway.


Thursday, 25 April 2013

The Vole and the Vampire

V The Vole and the Vampire

Vhat do you vant” said the vampire to the vole.
“What”? Said Victor the vole.
“For a start off those are not V words” said Victor.
Victor the Vole was very good at words and knew all his verbs and vowels.  
The vampire was very displeased because he was being criticized by a little Vole and he shouted “I vill bite vou and vurn vou into a vombie, ves a vile vittle vombie”.
“A Vombie “ said the vole “surely you mean a Zombie”.
Vombie Vombie vats Vhot I Ved” said the Vampire, who was very angry; so angry he bit victor the vole on the neck.
“I varned Voo” said the vampire.
And Victor the Vole said “I suppose you vink that’s Vunny”.

And they both laughed hysterically as a cow jumped over the Voon.

The Vend  



Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Ulysses the umpire and the Undead ukulele players

The Slightly eccentric A to Z blogging adventure of unknown and rather unpopular Modern fairy tales

U  Ulysses the umpire and the Undead ukulele players

Ulysses the Uruguayan Umpire looked uninspired under his Umbrella, his now usually impeccable uniform utterly soaked, leaving him undignified and looking for the entire world like the unkempt underclasses of Urban Ullapool.   

The final of the Underworlds football competition for The Unprincipled Cup (made of Uranium) between the Undead Ukulele players of Utopia   and the Undertakers Union had unexpectedly turned into a Universal and unwanted quagmire, something almost unknown in the underworld.

The Players had already been ushered off the undulating pitch by unicorns, but the umpire had been urged to remain like an unsung hero to uphold the principles of the game. U see once the umpire leaves the pitch in the underworld it is an unwritten law that the match is declared a draw, a result unwanted by the unruly and unsocial crowd; this is after all the underworld where unprovoked UNEXPURGATED utterances are UNFORTUNATELY uttered far too often both on and off the pitch.

As the Umpire unbuckled his belt his unbiased opinion was the match was unlikely to restart under the unforgiving and unrelenting rain, this unnerved the unsettled UNSCRUPULOUS crowd who stampeded onto the pitch and set upon Ulysses the Uruguayan Umpire and the Unicorns in an unprovoked attack which was not only unworthy, But a bit underhand.  Luckily Ulysses the Uruguayan Umpire was saved by a group of university undergraduates with kitchen utensils however it appeared the crowd had ruined his underwear in an UTTERLY UNMENTIONABLE way. Unfortunately the Unicorns were not so lucky and ran and hid in the undergrowth of uncharted and unexplored Forests far far away.

So after a long unimpressive and uninspiring day of UNNECESSARY violence unicorns have never ever been seen again anywhere not even in the Underpasses of the underworld and certainly never at a football match. 


Tuesday, 23 April 2013

The Toast and the Tiger

The Slightly eccentric A to Z blogging adventure of unknown and rather unpopular Modern fairy tales

T The Toast and the Tiger


"I want some toast" said the terrapin

"And a toasted Teacake" said the tortoise

"I don’t need all this trivial talk of toast" said the TIGER

"And a tankard of tea toO dunk my toast in" said the TURTLE.

"What kind of tale is this" said the Tiger

"A toasted one" said the Turtle, Tortoise and Terrapin

"TIME for bed" said THE Tiger

THE  end? . . . . . . .


Monday, 22 April 2013

The Sultan of Salford and the Serpent

The Slightly eccentric A to Z blogging adventure of unknown and rather unpopular Modern fairy tales

s     The Sultan of Salford and the serpent

The sultan of Salford had a serpent, a large slippery scaly snake called Sydney. Sydney would sit smilling and Hisssssssing at the sultan’s servants which was a bit scary for them, he would also Hissssssssssss at the sultans sister who said to the sultan that Sydney was sinisterSydney would sit in the solarium sunning himself and Hisssssssssing at the solarium staff who would shuffle silently in a state of shock.

Then one Sunday morning Simon the snake charmer arrived at the sultan’s salubrious suburban sanctuary, “I have heard tale of a large sacred serpent smiling in a sinister way” said Simon. “It’s in the summerhouseshouted the servants hoping that Simon the snake charmer was going to save them.

In the summerhouse, Sydney was stretched out in a sedan chair smiling and Hissssssssssing at a sparrow in the strawberry plants. . . . . .. . . . . “So” said Simon who sat on the sparrow and squashed it

Then Simon saw a Slug and said “a slug” and stabbed at it with a stick squashing it, Simon did not like slugs, and then as Simon sat down again he squashed a salamander, then as he put his satchel down he squashed a stick insect, He then squashed a spider as he was not keen on spiders either.

So Sydney slid sinuously round Simon and said “You have squashed some of my friends” as he squashed Simon the snake charmer who said “AAAAAuuuuuuuuuGGGGggghhhhhHHHH” a lot. But  the Sultans sorcerer saw Sydney and shouted “Sydney stop it”, but Sydney said “He started it he Squashed all these small creatures, it’s a Scandal”   So the Sultans sorcerer said a secret spell squishiousiosa supersyxlia alacazam” and the Sparrow, slug, salamander,  Stick insect and spider all appeared staring at Simon who was still staggering about a bit. Simon said he was very very very sorry to squash them all and then set off at some speed into the sunset never to be seen again, not entirely a surprise, but he never squashed anything small ever again.

The Sultans sorcerer then said to Sydney the serpent, “you must stop smiling at the Sultans Staff” and Sydney Smiled Silently at the Sultans sorcerer for a few seconds and then went Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. The SULTANS sorcerer scarpered leaving Sydney Smiling Silently………

 The End


Sunday, 21 April 2013

The A to Z so far rolled into one big Fairy Tale, plus a peek at the Letter S

The Slightly eccentric A to Z blogging adventure of unknown and rather unpopular Modern fairy tales

Once upon a time a long long time ago lived an aristocratic albino king and architect called King Alfonso; King Alfonso designed and built a huge gilded enclosure for three biggish brown bears who had eaten Bob the boy, the kings jester.  The Crimson King had tried to assist and cheer up King Alfonso by sending a cuddy cat to him; the two kings had become friends when the Crimson King had passed by on his quest to find his prized Cream canary.

However the post office had accidently sent the cuddly Cat to the Duke of Denmark, and Doris the Dragon had then mistakenly thought the Fluffy Cuddly Cat was Candy floss (easily done). Doris the Dragon only realized her error when an Egret called Edward passed by and shouted “Have you seen a fluffy Cuddly Cat it has nicked my dinner a rather nice looking Electric Eel”.  In the end Edward the Egret decided it was easier just to go to Franks Fish Bar in Falkirk which had been recommended to him by Florence the florescent fire Faerie from Fife who happen to be passing at the time along with some Ghosts Goats and GannetS and a rather Grumpy granny who had warned the Egret about a flock of Guillemots although the Guillemots had in fact been frightened off by three angry Harpies who were complaining very loudly about being set on fire by Hungarians.

Meanwhile Igor the Pet shop owner was reading a letter from a king asking for advice about feeding bears who seemed a bit fussy about the temperature of their porridge,  he was also half watching the rather foolish Jack the Juggler being stupid on the hill; it will all end in tears thought Igor as he patted Ivan the immortal Icelandic Alligator on the head. Then sure enough Jack slipped, although Igor did notice it was on one of the jellyfish that had escaped the day previous that caused Jacks fall.  Then Ken the Knight asked Igor if he had any kingfishers for sale but Igor told Ken the Knight that he was banned from the pet shop as he had heard that Ken the Knight had fried all the last batch of Kingfishers in a crunchy batter. But ken said he was going to the wedding of Lucinda the little leprechaun from Lapland and Captain Luke and needed a wedding present. He said even a Mouse and a Mole would be alright or as a final resort a few newtS but Igor said “No” and told him to go and ask someone else for ideas.

So Ken the knight went and sat looking at the Ocean next to an Ocelot and an Osprey who said that everyone loves Pork Pies and the best Pork Pies in the world were made just up the road in Pontefract by the Pie piper and Princess Peter.  They did warn him that they sell out very Quickly so he needed to be QUICK QUICK QUICK to get any, so QUICK that even the Quick Queen would struggle to catch him.

But as he was running Quickly to Pontefract he saw a very Round Rabbit and thought that’s a very ROUND RABBIT that will make the ideal wedding present, but as he contemplated how to catch it he was eaten by a huge Snake that HiSSSSSSSSSSSSed and then Smiled silently  before both it and the Round Rabbit vanished off into the sunset.

Leaving nothing but a confused ZOMBIE holding a large sign that said . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Saturday, 20 April 2013

Ronald the Royal Rabbit

The Slightly eccentric A to Z blogging adventure of unknown and rather unpopular Modern fairy tales

R    Ronald the Royal Rabbit

Ronald the royal Rabbit was a round rotund rabbit from eating radishes and rhubarb
You are so very round, said the robin sitting in a rosebush.
As round as Round can be said Ronald the Royal Rabbit

Then a rook said you are so very very round, as it sat in a rowan tree
You are right, As round as Round can be said Ronald the Royal Rabbit.

Then a rattlesnake said you are very very very round, as he rested in the rocks
You are also right, As round as Round as round can be said Ronald the Royal Rabbit.

Then the kings cook came out and chopped off Ronald the royal Rabbit’s head
And as the king ate his dinner that evening he said
What a lovely round rabbit this is

And Ronald the royal Rabbit looking down from Rabbit heaven said
This story is rubbish  . . . . . . . I demand a rewrite.