Another day in the life of an ordinary old battered chap

It has been a busy-ish day I say ish because my old battered body just cant do the stuff it used to in the old days when I was a devil may care North Sea Tiger leaping from platform to ship to barge to rig and an assortment of things in-between. Right now I am waiting for some glue to harden up so I can carry on making a chair of a teddy bear to sit on that will be in pride of place on Saturday afternoon in the village hall as folk try the Guess the Name of the Bear competition. I am making Him/her a tall chair (comparatively) as this a village jumble sale so the poor little bear needs to be at a height where he will be seem and not lost in the chaos of Jumble. I am not sure what sort of jumble will be there but having volunteered to help I am somewhat apprehensive having seen previous jumble sales.  I don’t know about other places but round here the same stuff appears to go round in circles until folk get frightened to even turn up.

We have also managed to get to the Garden Centre in Shrewsbury where I bought two small Japanese Acer’s for £22.00 which I thought seemed a good deal. I have also managed to cut some of the grass in the back garden. . . OK it’s more a wild space than garden, but we have just over half an acre and I have never yet managed to get it all looking good at the same time. We also have a pair of pheasants nesting somewhere known to all here as Mr and Mrs Gandhi, we call all our pheasants Gandhi

OK I ran off there for a bit but I am back now

AH NO sorry I am off again I will be back in a bit.

OK back but much later

I have got a bit more done on the chair for the bear, eaten food, chilled a bi in front of the TV (as sitting behind it is silly) and I have shouted at the cats. I don’t know what they are on but the pair of them are driving me had (sorry mad, see what I mean) with their tactical battle over who can corner who in the corner.

OK that’s it that is a typical day in the life of me yet again. Exciting it is not, but on the bright side is was a lovely sunny day and I have seen more swallows and more Red Kites, we get a lot of Red Kites around here (the birds not the fabric flying device with string attached), 

Life the Universe and Everything and the discovery of Forty Two.......

You can be pottering about minding your own business cutting some grass and hedges looking for creatures to do battle with, footprints of Zombies, and evidence of alien life in the undergrowth, when something will pop up at you like a little beacon.  In my case it was a number that sort of popped up in the garage. You see the nature of my diary and my bumbling about in cyberspace as the eccentric child of cyberspace, having strange and quirky adventures means that I can relate to the number forty two rather well. And there it was staring me in the face in the garage; the number that we all know represents the answer to life the universe and everything from that book written by that chap Douglas Adams who interestingly enough was left handed and owned a rather cool left-handed Watkins Guitar just like myself. 

Forty  Two

I think what this must imply is that through my own rather strange tale in the voids of cyberspace I am getting very close to finally solving the question to the answer that forty two represents. In other words I am on the brink of discovering what the universe is finally all about.

In the meantime however I have decided to go off and find a wild mad beast to draw in the darkest recesses of the garden. There are creatures out there that man has not yet set his foot on (sorry his eye on), no hang on probably best to stick you foot on it first, lets face it most things sting or bite humans although you cant blame them really, folk keep sticking there feet on them. . . . . . . HAH HAH AH HH AH HHAH HAHHA HAH HAH HAH HAH HA HAH ah ha hah ah ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ha ha hah a hah h h hh h ha hah hhahah hah  . . . . . . Mum just said IDIOT.

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Singing and fighting at the same time is impossible.

The snow lingers still and is going nowhere I really should be out making more things while it is about, but it is getting a crusty surface a result of the sun melting it slightly and then it all refreezing. So making stuff is tricky.

We also had a visit from Miss Tiggy and Mr Chris who came to chat, look at the sun and have a bite to eat, it is after all what us humans do best well that and fighting, but none of us really fancied fighting, we are not really fighting people. Mr Chris is a singer and it is very difficult to sing and fight at the same time; I think this may be to do with the brain as I suspect that the two things use different parts of the brain, and as a chap I can testify that doing two things at the same time is hard enough without trying to use two different parts of the brain at the same time.

This does make you think that maybe in parts of the world that rely on international peacekeeping forces, rather than arm them to the teeth with scary things it would make far more sense to teach them to sing bright and cheery songs and smile loads……

At school Esmeralda has sort of gone a bit erratic; it is not entirely her fault because when you are a part bionic person and rely on steam powered parts in this weather, antifreeze is rather useful to keep the bionic parts working. However no one informed Esmeralda that adding the antifreeze to the bionic parts did not involve drinking it, luckily she is made of strong stuff (The Esmeralda parts of Esmeralda not the bionic parts, although they are too), but it is not like Esmeralda to tell everyone “YOU ARE MY BEST MATE YOU ARE” and smile and enjoy maths.

If you are new to my diary and are wondering why Esmeralda is bionic and has loads of missing parts it is because she was partly eaten by the school goat some time back.

Oooooo yes two other things before I go, apparently the postman said he did not see the snow dog until he was reversing and suddenly noticed a huge dog staring at him in his wing mirror which was a bit of a shock. And secondly the birds are starting to eat more and more food and have been plotting ways of raiding the kitchen, I have heard rumour that one of the robins knows a duck who knows a puffin who knows a rabbit.

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The kitchen sink and a man called Chris

Today was sunny but very very cold. And no one got lost in a snow storm, and it was rather a jolly sunset, anyway enough on that subject for now.  Our good friend Chris the builder came to visit today, because there are certain jobs I am not allowed to do and that dad does not like doing, one of which is plumbing. OK I am allowed to leap into dark damp black holes and dig trenches that fill with water to stop Zombies attacking but not plumbing with real pipes and water and taps and stuff.

The first major problem was when Chris the builder asked where the stop tap was for the water . . . . . . . . .AH yes as it happens it is not something we had been told when we moved in, but luckily our neighbour who was sawing up wood for a Zombie defence fence did know where the tap was. It was under an ex-tree, when I say ex –tree I do not refer to some sort of exotic make of tree but to a tree that is no longer there, it is no wonder we did not find the tap that is no what we were expecting at all.  Then once various other taps were turned off the kitchen sink was ripped out and a new kitchen sink was hammered into place with a sledge hammer, it was a bit noisy but getting to the point super fast because I am a bit tired and need to switch off (like the taps were), we now have a new posh sink in the kitchen that has running water and that has taps that work like they should work. The old sink had issues, I guess as we did not fit it, the previous owner did it was sulking and would refuse to stop the water flow of hot water which would trickle away all day and make drip drip drip noises, like a mad clock.

OK I’m off for a break I will discuss the rest of the day on my return if I remember what I did and remember to return. . .  

I have returned but I am going to go again because I have just listened to the weather forecast on the BBC, well that was not very nice of them to say after one day of sun it will be rotten till the end of time, that is a bit extreme even for the BBC.

I think I need to work on Plan B . . . . Mmmmmmmm what I need are idea’s, cunning idea’s at that.  OK that’s it toast and mugs of Hot Chocolate will do for now.

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Trenches Zombies and Piranha Fish

Footprints were found the wrong side of the impenetrable defence trench this morning by the dog and after some sniffing a bit of forensic investigation and internet research, the dog concluded that they were the footprints of crunchy zombies but with a soft mint filling. The dog said he hates the taste of those ones so I will would have to work on the defences AGAIN, it all seemed like a jolly good idea at one point but this is turning into hard work now. . . . . .PHEW.

So I have been digging a new trench today that will link up with the one that is now full of water and slimy stuff and piranha fish. It is a logistical nightmare because if I break into the trench full of nasty slimy water full of piranha fish too early while I am still in it I am at risk of ending up slimy smelly and full of bites.  The dog is being awkward too and says he prefers Cod and that piranha are not great eating unless they are deboned and turned into  piranha fish curry, I know he’s a dog he eats bones but he says all those little bones are just tooooooo fiddly to mess about with (that dog is getting fussy).

So that was my day building a zombie defence trench, not exciting at all in fact rather a fairly average day in the life of an average chap living near a wood with free range zombies living in it. Well that is never going to impress that Steven Spielberg is it.

Oooo I did see some sort of weird micro-light thing in the sky toward the end of the day, although Mr Jones did say that I was an IDIOT and it was an alien scout craft looking for a suitable landing spot for the mothership. Personally I think it is far too cold to be running about in the woods in the nude chasing aliens, but it keeps Mr Jones happy. Although he has just said he nearly fell down my impenetrable defence trench last night in the dark and had to leap over it to avoid a fish leaping at his naught bits  . . . . . . . . . Mmmmmmm I think the dog’s zombie research might have gone wrong a bit.   

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A short sharp tale of country folk, and forgetful drumming

Tonight I'm afraid is going to be a short sharp tale of country folk, because after a day of this then that, and the general activities of life and trips to the academic heart of the academic place of learning where I am taught things. I then returned back to the place from where I started otherwise known as home. I then ate food and thought about stuff briefly before realizing that my drumming colleague was due to arrive, which he did. We then drummed and played some rhythms that we had not played before because we as in general forgetful and forget stuff. It is one of the things we specialize in forgetful drumming; then we reached the point where my drumming colleague Mr P had to return to the point from where he started otherwise known as home (his home not my home).

I then made the fundamental mistake of chilling out in front of a log fire, I say chilling but it was in fact warm; it is one of those saying that is fundamentally wrong, chilling in front of a log fire is a paradox. The result of this however is that time has ebbed away and there is now no time to write this, OK there is time to write this, but not what I would write if I had more time which I don’t.

Ooooooo yes two things my drumming colleague Mr P has a book all about muddy holes and is something of an expert (what a strange world it is) and WOW its been windy today, why has it been that windy why cant we have some sun and piece for a while, I think I may be required to stick some thing sharp and pointy into the works of dads weather machine, every time it is switched on we get weather.

And the Ghost Writer says if folk blindly press buttons on certain things on a computer network that can change IP addresses they should not be entirely surprised when bits of the said network don’t work. . . . . .   

And Heavy Harry is meowing .. . . . . . .FOOOOOOOOOD.

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Boxing Day, Harry Potters Owl (well that's what I was told), Christmas dinner and a Hobbit...

So here we are at the end of Boxing Day and all the family have gone home leaving the house quiet and peaceful again. The day went quite well bearing in mind we had 13 for Boxing Day lunch. I have been back to look at last years diary entry and noted that we did much the same last year, although last year it was a slightly different group of people and the main dinning table was a different shape. You see our dinning table is rather cunning because it is two identical dinning tables which when side by side form a square and when end to end form a rectangle, this year it was the turn of the rectangle. After much eating and attempted party games and exchanging presents and letting the cats in and out and in then out again loads, we ended by chatting about stuff like the End of the world that did not start or end meaning we are all still here, I did not tell them that in fact it did end and they are all barcodes in an old Dell computer because it is Christmas and it might upset them a bit. But all in all it was a jolly good day and all I need to do is work out how I get back out of the Dell computer, I knew I should have drawn a map….

One of today’s treats was the left overs of Harry Potters Owl which Mr Kris and Miss Tracy brought over, so now saved in the fridge for a sandwich tomorrow is the left leg of Harry Potters owl, as Harry himself would say eatimious yumiosus  Whatever happened to Harry Potter he seems to have vanished entirely now, still it could be worse some fool might start making Hobbit movies . . . . . . . . . . ..  AH DAMN.

Yesterday by the way was seriously chilled most of the day, then in the evening we went to The Sun Inn in Marton and had a brill Christmas dinner, so many thanks to all at the Sun Inn

Sorry about the picture I forgot to take one of the table while it was looking posh and all that is left on it of interest in The Lost Orb of Atlantis.

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Putting things in a safe place and drilling holes

I chopped some logs today and drilled a hole in a wall and found some cables for the digital studio in order to help multi-track my drumming, I found the cables while looking for something else in connection with the hole in the wall.  I had put the item I could not find in a safe place last time I found it knowing that I would soon be needing it, but I can not remember where the safe place is now . . . . . .DAMN. This is not the first time I have not been able to find something in a safe place and so I have come to the conclusion that the least safe place to put something is the safe place, unless it is say for example a very large box with a narrow pointing at it saying safe place. And my advice is not to have lots of safe places either but just the one that has space for everything that you might wish to keep safe.

So I am abandoning the search for things in safe places now and hoping that maybe I might find it tomorrow. In fact I think that is it again for the day. These sorts of things tend to happen in the Winter months I run out of steam a bit quicker than I would in the summer. I have just checked what was happening this very day last year and as it happens President Putin was dancing on top of the Ritz hotel in a re-enactment of an old Fred Astaire movie as he started his presidential campaign. I spent the day making an L shape rather than this year, drilling a hole and we had a curry for dinner, and this year we did not. And a year ago tomorrow we had the very first snow of winter….

It just goes to show how useful a daily diary can be….  

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A year in the life of a house

At 4.00pm this afternoon we had lived in this house for exactly one year, one year ago when we moved into our classic seventies bungalow it looked a bit like the sort of house that a little old lady might have been living in for over twenty years. There was good reason for that because it had been lived in for more than twenty years by a little old lady. One year later and after doing various things it no longer looks like that and slowly but surely it is starting to have the slightly quirky image we are famous for in the circles of quirkiness.

Strangely however despite all the work on the house, painting walls moving stuff about, solar panels and various other things there is still loads more to be done. I did wonder about a large medieval tower with a cantilevered stone spiral staircase and an option to pour boiling oil and tar on the masses below as they attempt to scale the also new portcullis. With its protective moat and steel spikes. I have just been informed that we will not be having a medieval tower, moat or portcullis and that this is why I will never make it as a town planner, that seems a little hard I think towns need some town planners with a bit of imagination.

After school we went off to Potters the great recycling dump at Welshpool, it has always been a place of wonder, a place where people take things that no one wants. Well when I say no one wants what I mean is loads of people want, it is very interesting to see one person put something down only to then see five people having a fight over who can get the item in their car first. Of course I was dumping a printer that had accidently fallen into a hundred pieces so no one wanted that. But to my horror the whole place was clean and tidy and stripped of everything not a single little thing left for the punters to fight over, that is terrible what kind of public recycling place has nothing for the public to pick through. If that carries on the public will stop going, after all what is the point of taking your old rubbish if there is no one else’s old rubbish you can rifle through to fill up your car to take it home to put it in the space vacated by the stuff you took in the first place. Surely that is the entire point of recycling or it would not be called recycling. I am just glad our house is full of loads of strange stuff that nobody wants . . . . . PHEW

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The UFO and the wheelie bin

Believe it or not the sun came out today, this was very good for Esmeralda who was able to walk in straight lines and therefore was in a position to take revenge on Trevor for sniggering and Dave for attaching L plates to the wheelie bin she was in yesterday. So she super glued the lid of the wheelie bin closed with both Trevor and Dave stuck inside it and pushed them into the river Severn. However it did slightly backfire on poor old Esmeralda when both Trevor and Dave appeared on the evening news as minor celebrities having achieved a world record for sailing a wheelie bin down stream and over the famous Niagara Falls. Mr Harris the geography teacher was shouting in the background that it was all an elaborate hoax and they only got as far as the weir at Shrewsbury. Sadly however Mr Harris is known as the Severn Bore so no one was listening to him, but he did manage to wave. HA HAH HAH Hah ah hah ah ha hh hah haha hhah haha.

you will need to click on the pic to see it a bit larger to view the UFO

 

On the subject of elaborate hoax’s when I got home from school Mr Jones and the dog were sitting in the field next to the house watching the sky and insisting they had seen a flying saucer (UFO) flying out over the far fields, so I went and got my faithful little digital camera. Then just as I was starting to get a bit distracted by the cows who are still attempting to make a tunnel under the road in their escape master plan there it was a UFO but it was moving fast and a long way off so it is not a great picture. Even the cows showed some interest, one even waved and shouted farewell Boris? While Mr Jones did what my Jones does and took all his clothes off and ran after the UFO but it only appeared to travel faster.

Still no one is interested in UFO’s these days or cows as they attempt to dig a tunnel under the road, wearing false moustaches and trilbies (that’s the cows not the road that would be silly). No you don’t see the media swarming into the wilds of rural England by the English Welsh boarders to interview a man with no clothes and a dog that speaks Latin and a cow who has met Boris (the alien not the Mayor of London) no they are far more interested in two young pupils glued into a wheelie bin going over Niagara Falls. It just goes to show there is no justice, no wonder the masses all watch that awful X Factor thing or Come Dancing YUCK.

Hang on WHAT am I talking about?

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The Thoughts of a distracted man are the thoughts of a genius....... According to a hare

I think my theories on global warming and time shift took another step towards becoming a mainstream theory rather than what the headmaster called it, a mad hair brained loony idea put together by an IDIOT. I did ask the headmaster if he meant hair or hare because if he meant hair I have loads of hair and it is my ideal so that is OK, if he meant hare then to the best of my knowledge hares have some really good ideas. I sure it was a hare that invented Pi or was a hare pie invented by a man with hair. Still this is all a distraction again from the matters in hand, in fact what is in my hand right at this very moment is a keyboard otherwise it would not be possible for me to type this….. AH sorry I got distracted yet again, it is all these silly saying like ‘A single duck does not a pond make’ or the rather appropriate ‘the thoughts of a distracted man are the thoughts of a genius’…… Anyway what was I talking about?

Have I mentioned that is was damn hot today PHEW it was hot even hotter that yesterday and yesterday was hot. One solution to this is too have a rather good spicy curry from your favourite Indian takeaway so that is what we have just done while trying to watch a bit of Paralympics basketball between the USA and GB for the Bronze medal. Only I have returned to my diary so all I know is right now it is all equal and anyone’s game. I have also been out to look at the sky because it was looking pretty cool too; so I am now trapped between my diary, the sky and a game of basketball.

I am also rather curious to know why dad and the dog seem to have made what looks like yet another rocket in the garden, I am not getting in this one all that happens is I end up in trouble or the freezer section of the out of town supermarket where they now have a sign saying no manned rockets allowed (or rockets manned by dogs or goats) in fact no rockets of any sort EVER.

I have just been for a quick peek to see basketball and I think the USA are going to win and the sun has also vanished so it is dark now, so it is just me and my diary only I think I have just about written enough tonight. As the old saying goes ‘He who writes last writes rubbish’………. …….. ……… ……… ……… AH

The Ghost Writer still has a copy of this LP in mint condition 

He says it is rather good.

An alternative assessment of the closing ceremony of the London Olympic Games and the Olympic Legacy

I am late very very late, in fact it is tomorrow now because of this …….AH. Anyway the reason for this late diary entry was to watch the closing ceremony of the London Olympic Games to see how it faired. It all went remarkably well as it happens; although on a personal level, I sort of felt they tried to squeeze a bit much in.

As always happens in these things the athletes took just a bit longer than they are meant too to get into place and the subtle herding towards the end got a bit less subtle. And it all got off to a flying start with loads of good music and clever little quirky classic British stuff.  But then it sort of just lost its way as it run into Fat Boy slim and the like.

But then all was saved by Eric Idle Singing 'Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life' a true classic of what Britain is all about and the perfect song to confuse a fair percentage of the worlds countries. And Brian May was really good too, just a shame that Freddie is dead; a bit like John Lennon, what I particularly liked about John Lennon’s performance was that although he is dead he did a much better job of it than Paul did at the start.

I thought it rather interesting that bearing in mind the Olympic stance on Drug taking that a fair number of the featured music was from groups and musicians who have over the years taken one or two substances that would be a little frowned on in the test lab. I also thought that the roller-skating nuns was a sneaky and cunning way to upset one or two of the more strict catholic countries, along with the some of the more scantily clad people. However we did throw in some morris dancers just so they know us Brits are WELL COOL and a man on a high wire who set fire a shop clothes dummy……. Yes only us Brits would do that….

Sadly I saw the spice girls but they were not on long and seem to have lost the knack a bit (maybe it just me, I was never a fan)

I rather liked the little Rio bit the classic seventies flared cat suits and afro hair was brill as was Elvis. You see Rio were able to raise Elvis from the dead, now that really is Cool, we tried to trump this with a neat trick at the end by putting The Who centre stage, a damn clever move they no doubt remember those flared cat suits and Elvis like it was yesterday.

Talking of yesterday, this is yesterdays diary entry because today is today …….. DAMN I said that at the start ……..GOODNIGHT ALL.

One final point……  I would just like to point out that the Olympic Game legacy has finally taken root in that closing Olympic Ceremony ……. We all want to play guitar like Brian May…………. sod all that running about 

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POSS (Post Olympic Stress Syndrome) and an Accountant

We all went off to the accountant today to sort out the wondrous world of high finance. As mum and dad are into a bit of this bit of that they make sure they are all sorted by letting the accountant tell them about what the tax mans cut will be for the coming year. Luckily they will not be paying tax this year because dad has blown all the profits on his weather machine. Dad was well pleased but mum hit him over the head with a large ledger. I have to go because I am apparently a capital investment or was it a tax deductable venture portfolio; the dag says the accountant said I was an unfortunate overhead expensive. Anyway that was the morning sorted well and truly. It appears that if I pay the accountants bill out of my pocket money then I can save a fortune in tax too, not sure how that works as I don’t pay tax, but everyone nodded and agreed even the accountant.

 So this afternoon I was left with a decision do I watch some Olympics or do I cut the grass, after a bit of thought I cut the grass in the end; us British have won loads of medals now and it is not the same when we have loads of them, as apposed to  having just one or two. With just one of two we can all rally round and say WOW the plucky Brit won against all odds we have a gold, but we have loads of them now so we are good?

I am also easing myself back to normal life to avoid POSS (Post Olympic Stress Syndrome) and even worse POD (Post Olympic Depression) when the nation returns to normal on Monday next week and everyone scratches their heads as they try to work out what to do with a huge BMX bike track and several posh buildings that cost a small fortune to keep going. Still I think the Paralympic Games start on the 29^th August (the Ghost Writers birthday) so that is WELL COOL  and will keep the punters happy, then after that it is almost Christmas…………. . MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

AH mum just said IDIOT

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Moths and Gun Shots

It is very late for me 11:00pm so rather late for tonight’s diary entry there are two reasons for this, well OK three. The first is that we have been out for a meal in the very nice and always chilled and friendly Sun Inn in Marton where I had rather excellent fish and chips, so we did not leave until about 9:30pm to head home. This brings us the second reason dad does not like to drive fast at this time of year because there are millions of moths that fly at the headlights of the car. By not going fast they at least have a fighting chance. I took a rather half decent picture of one that was in the house this morning too, yes it appears there are also millions of moths in the house as well as on the roads.  The final delay in writing my diary was due to the man with the gun… No it’s true it was a bit weird but that’s life in the country.

 It appears as we got out of the car back at the house that we heard a gun shot not the blast of 12 bore but a rifle. We are used to the sound of 12 bore because during the shooting season the men from the city, the bankers and the like come to take pot shots at anything that moves pretending it is the public….

But tonight was different; there was a single vehicle with a spot lamp on the roof slowly driving round the fields a few hundred yards way. They then slowly drove up to the main road and then back down the little lane and off round the back of the woods. We only heard the one shot however, but all a bit odd really……. It is just likely that they may have been chasing Mr Foxy, but Mr Foxy is very cunning indeed. I know what Mr Jones will say tomorrow he will say it was aliens.

OK its late now and I need to keep my head down so see you tomorrow ...

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Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Pick n Mix and the ancient Britain's

The canvas canopy erected for the family barbecue moved in the wind last night, not by much but I have just spent a little bit of time sorting it out to ensure it stays up. It has involved the use of a bit more hazel. It makes me wonder just how much hazel must have been growing back in the days of the early Brits when hazel was a staple building material. Add to that the fact there were no grey squirrels about means that there must have been a lot of hazel nuts, and this would then imply there must have been a lot of fruit and nut chocolate bars. I prefer yoghurt coated hazel nuts myself but I am not sure the ancient Britain’s would have eaten them because I think they tend to be available only in health shops, not something the ancient Britain’s had, they were restricted to Woolworths (I think).

  On the subject of Woolworths, what ever happened to pick n mix you just don’t see it these days, I suspect it is a health and safety issue after all you never know where people have been putting their hands. But it was no different in the glory days of pick n mix and not many people died as a result of eating strange disgusting jelly snakes and worms, I say jelly but I think it was some sort of indestructible rubber substance; and those weird pink shrimps were sort of quite nice (OK I lie).  The point is though things like this were the staple diet of pick n mix and without it they have vanished, much like Woolworths itself.

We all went into Montgomery this morning to do stuff and get things but Montgomery has a built in delay effect so after seeing loads of people and talking we finally escaped about two and a half hours later, rather than the fifteen minutes planned. But Manyana , it was OK we were all chilled about this.

Today has been another classic day in what is becoming the traditional summer in Britain these days slightly grey, slightly wet, and slightly warmish sort of, slightly windy and slightly uninteresting for weather. Although that has never stopped us Brits complaining about it, even the ancient Brits would often say “The hazel coppice is a bit late this year, it’s just too cold and I bet the price of fruit and nut chocolate bars goes up. And I’m convinced they are smaller than they used to be.” Followed by the little joke which was their final downfall “That new trendy iron will never catch on, you just cant beat a nice bit of flint.”  To which Isambard Kingdom Brunel would usually shout back IDIOTS…

It just goes to show that little has changed in the last ten thousand years or so except the grey squirrels get all the hazel nuts and we are not allowed pick n mix anymore, well I guess that is progress for you. 

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My Blog in Dynamic View

The queen and the pound shop flag, and a stove pipe hat

Sunday and here in the rolling hills of Shropshire right on the Welsh border it was to say the least rather a quiet and lazy Sunday, very wet and very grey, just like the old days. I got to watch a television set today and a bit of the queen floating down the Thames (she was in a barge)…. There were two things that did not appear to get mentioned by the massed members of the BBC as they gave us a blow by blow account of all the boats and ships. The first was the queen looked damn cold to me and although I’m sure enjoyed the trip, she did not always look entirely happy. It was cold and wet and no one likes being stared at by half a million people.

 The other thing I noticed was the mayor of London Mr Boris Johnson, who was on one of the thousand or so boats, was waving a Union Jack with a picture of the Queen on it. I can hear you all saying SO WHAT, but I recognised that flag it was not just any flag it was a flag from the pound shop at Harry Tuffins. A lot of you will be thinking Harry who? but the point is  it was the flag they sell in pound shops, what on earth was the mayor of London on a posh boat doing with a cheap pound shop flag. I’m sure he must have some vintage flag as used by Queen Victoria to celebrate the launch of Britain’s first steam powered space rocket from Greenwich, successfully putting a corgi into orbit for several hours before its tragic failure on re-entry and the subsequent discovery of the world’s first hotdog. Which in turn led to the corruption of British eating habits and the decline of the empire?   

Today I was able to finish crowns, I have had to make myself one so I have based mine of one on the old imperial Russian royal family crowns , what with mum being a Russian spy, although that is still a secret…….AH ………sorry mum, mum says IDIOT

I was planning to give the Cultural Olympian a stove hat as part of his own Victorian image but I have realized that it will make him nearly three and half feet tall or  maybe four feet(and that's without the plinth) and he will not fit in the car……… DAMN so I either make a smaller hat or a removable hat. It reminded me of Close Encounters of the Third Kind when the hero chappie makes that huge mountain in the living room and everyone runs away.

Sorry I am late tonight, it is all that being lazy. While on the subject of everyone running away Sooty the Cat has just run into the house like a big ball of fluff with all his hair standing on end, so I am not sure what has spooked him, maybe ZOMBIES ……Well Cool.

I hope this makes sense it is a bit rushed.

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The Basket, The cavern and the Olympic Sculpture again

Just very quickly in passing it was hot again but we did have rain, yes I counted at least eight spots of rain and it must have lasted all of thirty seconds. Also very quickly in passing I was standing on the roof today and I have realized somehow I have lost my head for heights, not sure how that happens but it appears I have. I think I need to get up there again and acclimatize to the situation, after all for reasons that are far to long to explain I have done more basket transfers than Captain Flint the Parrot has had Brazil nuts.

At school we have been doing geology in the newly dug caverns under the school. The science teachers have assured the headmaster that digging huge caverns under the school does not require planning permission and they are very cool and spacious. Most of the pupils have been helping and the headmaster even gave permission to go to the chip shop at lunch time as long as we discreetly dispersed soil down our trouser legs on the high street. Luckily the local press have blamed all the soil on the hot weather bringing excessive sand from the Sahara desert.

However the girls were excused from disposing of soil on the grounds that their school uniform does not lend itself to discreetly disposing of soil and they also tend to scream at worms a bit.

Myself and Freddie decided that what these caverns needed is a large colony of bats so we spent the day at school hunting as many bats as possible, we found several species some of them quite large including, the Cricket Bat, the Rounder’s Bat, the Tennis Bat and the Baseball bat……… HA HAHAHHAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAHAHH HAHhahah hahah ahahahhahahah.

OK I am off to carry on with the Olympic Sculpture again (The Cultural Olympian) it appears I have a few more days than I thought I had, and I have a cunning plan in order to get it finished in time.

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Normality, Harry Potter and the Pheasant

    

Dam today was quiet, everything at school was normal, Maths English German History Chemistry (not a single BANG), and Art. Just as they should be not a single event of any interest even the seagulls were just chilling eating the occasional chip after lunch from the remains of the mass exodus to the Chip Shop for the regulation school lunch. And the headmaster, wandering about in the playground pointing at stuff, with one of the school governors. Who had taken the headmasters advice and was wearing a full face crash helmet.    

When I say (pointing at stuff with one of the school governors) I don’t mean the headmaster was lifting the school governor up and pointing them at the particular item to be pointed at. Although with a red crash helmet on they would have made a good pointer (not the breed of dog), No the headmaster was pointing at stuff with his hands same as I do when I point at stuff although I sometimes use a stick or one of those hand held steam powered laser pointing things.  I have told dad most people have battery powered laser pointers and the steam operated one fills rooms up with steam, but I must admit the laser looks well cool in steam.

Then the school bus did not get kidnapped, it has been ages since that happened doesn’t time fly. Dam it I used that silly saying again about time and I am not going to discuss that again now (maybe another time HAH HAHAHH Hah hahahah hahah ahahah haha hah hah Haahanah). Mum said IDIOT again.  Everything was normal at home, well as normal as it normally is and everyone was pottering about.

How come Bloody Harry Potter gets a word named after him that is all nice; I am just pottering about la de da de da ho hum potter potter. I have the word robbing Me and Harry have just nicked that nice little old ladies pension HAH HAH AHHHAH HAH HHAHHHA and we scarred her cat up a tree HAHAHHAHH HHAH hah Rob rob rob…….. ……….  lovely job gov.

I think I have discussed that all before too, I am starting to think that Harry Potter and the Horse are trying to discredit my diary by messing with the plot. Still where is Harry Potter now (HAH HAH AHAHHHAH HA) a spent force destroyed by a slightly dodgy happy ending which reminds me I must watch that last movie of his sometime, it has got to be better than the one before the last one, that was rubbish.

Sorry back to today and the diary as I said nothing has happened so I well I have nothing to write about (again).

Oooooo it was grey and raining not a nice day, OK that’s it bye.   

And I saw a pheasant

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Mice and men and cats and Starbucks coffee and the evil master plan

It is nice to know that sometimes what may appear to the great masses of the general public that follow my diary in its various forms, silly mad ideas and comments can in fact come back as comments in the real world. Two women in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Curiosity Shop were over heard today discussing the university degree of one the women’s sons. Yes he had a first class honours degree and was now working in Starbucks and several of his university friends were now doing the same in various parts of Britain.

Of course this is not news to me, I have been aware that Starbucks are working on a great master plan to recruit all the best university students Britain has too offer, and then use them to develop a new mind bending coffee. This will allow them (Starbucks) to take over the world (Well Britain) by turning the British public into zombies, after all we all know coffee will keep you awake and after several sleepless nights the mind is easily manipulated. What neither myself nor (gnaw HA HAH AH HAha hah hhah hah hah) the dog have yet to really work out is why Starbucks plan to do this, what is their great master plan of evil. There was a time when the British would not be seen dead drinking posh decadent coffee in the privacy of their own home yet alone on a six foot high stool in the window of a coffee shop with a million people passing by.

As I am typing we have reset the cat catcher to catch the cat, the black and white cat. It is a cunning beast and an adversary equal even to my own, in ways of cat catching. Only last night it tried to humiliate me by escaping, running between my legs as I lifted the flap of the cat catcher (the dog assures me that I was definitely humiliated). But one thing is very clear about the black and white cat he has his wits about him, so I think I can safely say he has never been to Starbucks for a coffee. I don’t think quick witted cats are part of the Starbucks master plan, just a by product. As I have said previously even the best laid plans of mice and men have unforeseen consequences, although clever cats is bigger worry for mice than it is for men.

I have been filling some cracks in the plaster on the extension of the house that have probably needed filling for at least ten years, I must learn not to play paper scissors stone when no one wants to do DIY

OK two weeks tomorrow will be the very last day open of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Curiosity Shop, as he moves on to higher places (Sorry lower places). It will be very sad. But I will not have to spend days folding and cutting invites to previews of exhibitions by artists so it will be GREAT. That reminds me I must get on with making The International Olympian for the other exhibition.   

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The cat, The pond, The craft knife and the Mona Lisa

Sooty the Cat spent first thing this morning in a battle of wits with a large fat squirrel who was making faces at him, and rude gestures with his front paws. Squirrels are rather apt to make rude gestures as the can stand on their back legs and have an arrogant bolshie attitude to life (well the grey squirrels do, the red ones are wimps). Anyway Sooty the Cat was stalking the squirrel who by cleverly moving round the pond made Sooty take the short root.

Sooty having fallen through the ice only a day ago would, you would think, (? Is that right) think I will not leap on the thin ice of the pond to chase a squirrel and risk DEATH. O NO he was sat in the middle of the pond on the thin ice waiting to leap. We all shouted at him, well most of us did, true the dog and Harry the Cat were shouting GO TO THE DEEP END. THE SQUIRREL WILL NOT EXPECT THAT. Sooty having lost concentration as a result of being shouted at them run about on the pond panicking until he finally came back inside for some food. Somehow we seem to have ended up with the stupidest cat in the world so he has now gone through two lives in as many days.

After school I went to the store to buy some super sharp craft knives as I will need them for the next big project The International Olympian. One thing I have discovered is that cardboard will blunt a knife very fast which is strange because fingers don’t, and a very sharp knife is better for making cardboard robots where as a very blunt knife is better for fingers. Have you noticed that life is always full of such paradoxes? These little craft knives are not called craft knives anymore no they are called wallpaper trimming knifes and with good reason, no one does craft things anymore.  So to obtain street cred the knives have been rebranded and the shop now suspects me of stock piling wallpaper.

Anyway I now have to think of a brilliant design for The International Olympian that will win prizes and glory and loads of money

I am sorry tonight’s diary entry is not a brilliant piece of witty clever writing but as you all I write everyday and sometimes it just sort of turns out boring. The trick is to look at it all as a whole, like say the Mona Lisa which  if we cut a nice neat one inch square randomly from the picture, it turns out to be just a bit of paint on a bit of canvas. It is only when we look at the whole thing  in context we see what it is, a great work of art with a hole in it, and that is the point at which it is best to run very fast.

OK yes I have used this piece of music before but we all love a bit of SteamPunk (ish) music

A bit of real SteamPunk