Not part of the 2022 A to Z . . . Goldilocks and the Three Bears . . . . . . Sort Of

 Way back when . . . . In a time when I had more time; I used to write stuff like this in my daily diary. It has been a while since I last read it . . . . Gosh time does fly.

We had a supply teacher in English today, the regular Teacher had vanished. Anyway she said she was called Miss Loxley Green because when she was young she was a hoodie. Esmeralda thought she was well cool, she had never had a hoodie as a teacher before. She said we had to write a fairy story about vampires and werewolves. We did all this last year with fairy tales, so I said we've done that; but Miss Green stared at me, so I wrote the following.

Once upon a time there were three bears (see its things in threes again) who went for a walk because their porridge was too hot to eat. Anyway while they were out a Miss Goldilocks turned up and thought porridge YUM so ate the baby bears porridge, but thought I am still hungry, so ate both mummy bear’s and daddy bears porridge. She then went upstairs and jumped up and down on baby bears bed which broke, and mummy bears and finally daddy bears, which was well cool like being on a huge trampoline.

Because she was laughing hysterically she did not hear the three bears arrive home who said look its Miss Goldilocks. But at that very moment the big bad werewolf leapt out of the wardrobe and ate Miss Goldilocks.  The bears were very displeased and shouted at the big bad werewolf who said that Miss Goldilocks was in fact a vampire clone and there was loads of cloned vampire Goldilocks’ all over the place and he was there to save the bears from being turning into The Living Dead by eating them (the Miss Goldilocks’). Blaming all the bad press he gets on three pigs (yes there were three of them) who tried to build houses on the greenbelt by getting round the planning laws using straw. Big bad werewolf put in a formal complaint to the council and then the pigs tried to ruin his reputation. Anyway the point is the three bears said the big bad werewolf was big and bad and told him to go.

The following morning mummy bear overheated the porridge again daddy bear moaned, but mummy bear said IF HE SPENT LESS TIME IN THE LOO READING ALL THE GRIMM STORIES IN THE PAPERS THEN THE PORRIDGE WOULD NOT NEED TO BE MICROWAVED TO HEAT IT UP AGAIN. Baby bear said they should go to the woods because he had heard from his friend that bears do things in the woods, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . so they did.

When they got home they found three cloned Miss Goldilocks laughing hysterically and leaping up and down on their beds. Big bad Werewolf was right they were cloned vampires So they shouted HELP US BIG BAD WEREWOLF, but a voice from outside the window said OOOOO YES YOU WANT ME TO HELP NOW AFTER PHONING ALL YOUR FRIENDS LAST NIGHT AND SAYING I WAS BIG AND BAD I DON’T THINK I WILL NOW. So the vampire Miss Goldilocks bit all the bears who turned into The Living Dead, after which the big bad werewolf ate the Miss Goldilocks’, after all he has a job to do. And the three bears wandered in the woods forever doing what bears do in the woods forever ……… THE END

I had just finished reading my story to the class when Miss Loxley Green leapt at me and tried to bite my neck, but Esmeralda was a bit upset as she wanted to be a vampire and stabbed at her with the new poker I had made in metalwork Miss Green laughed hysterically and said only a silver bullet could destroy her. As it happens when Esmeralda stabbed her with the poker Miss Green turned to dust, apparently I used the wrong bar of metal to make the poker and had accidentally used the metalwork teacher’s stash of silver bullion. He had it hidden away to supplement his pension.

One final footnote to the story it would appear the real English teacher is roaming the woods as one of The Living Dead.     

Drawing and JK Rowling

 I have started Drawing again. Well I started when JK Rowling started posting the tale of the Ickabog via a link on Twitter (it was not planned to draw stuff, but she did say folk could). It was interesting random subject material being posted a chapter at a time which was ideal. It is good to be forced into drawing something new each day without knowing what on earth you may have to draw. Anyway it was a fairy-tale sort of . . . . I say sort of because I always think of fairy-tales as slightly different to that of the tale of the Ickabog which felt more adult to me than I was expecting. I was hoping to draw Cows laying Golden eggs and frogs kissing innocent passersby or giants planting beanstalks with pigs living at the top to avoid small children in red hoodies. 

I have never met JK Rowling but do wonder if she is quite an intense personality, She certainly seems focused when you consider what she has achieved over the years and those who follow her on twitter will know she tells stuff as she sees it. 

When the story ended I continued to use it to do my little drawing although I did have to bend the story slightly and make things up, but I dont think she will mind too much.

And now I just keep drawing. . . . Not big grand arty works of art, but small sketch pad drawings done each evening until I run out of ideas or steam. After all I have many other things to do so this is just a little task I set myself each day and it is good to create in some form if you can. 

So what kind of drawing am I doing I hear you all type well here are the last three . . .  make of them what you will. And if you happen to talk to JK Rowling do say hello and wish her well.

A story about a Bear in a Chair

The Bear is only about 10 inches in height by the way

Not a huge Monster Bear

But his chair is finished and he is a Happy Bear.

Once upon a time there was a Bear in a Chair

He/she was not just any Bear in a Chair

He/she was the ruler of the world

And a jolly good ruler he/she was too

The Bear in the Chair said that everyone must be nice to bears

And all the folk in the world cheered and were nice to bears

And then he/she said everyone in the world must be nice to everyone

And everyone in the World cheered and was nice to everyone

(This is quite obviously a fairy tale)

Then someone asked the wise bear what his/her name is

And the Bear in the Chair said. . . AH I can’t remember

Someone shouted Grizzly and the bear said. . . . No

Someone else shouted Vladimir and the Bear said. . . . No

Someone else said Aristotle and the bear said . . . . . No

Someone shouted Matilda and the bear said I can’t remember

Then the bear said

Hang on I have my name written on a piece of paper

Safely hidden away so that I cannot forget it

And the people of the world cheered and shouted

But what is it we need to know the name of the Bear in the Chair

And the bear said

Well this is answer to the Guess the Name of the Bear Competition

So I will not be allowed to tell anyone until after Saturday

When it will be revealed to the entire world

After the local village jumble sale

And the people of the world said

Well that’s not fair and spent the rest of time fighting and being rotten

You see folk are like that, the slightest thing and before you know it we are all at war

Well everyone except the Bear in the Chair

Who remains poised and dignified wondering who will guess the correct name?

And wondering why he/she has a slightly wonky chair.

The Strange case of Dr Bumble Beaman and Mr Hive

We all know the plight of the humble Bumble Bee as its numbers continue to drop across the Country due to changing climate and environmental pressures, and this is the background to the rather strange tale of Dr Bumble Beaman and Mr Hive. You see Dr Beaman was a keen bee keeper and decided that he would do experiments to develop a new super nectar so that his honey bees would be strong and flourish. He was an odd character and liked nothing more than to dress up as a bee and would often be (no pun intended) seen out among his hives talking to his honey bees. Dr Bumble Beaman was a quiet reclusive man and locked himself away for hours on end in his laboratory (the shed at the end of the garden) where we would mix and stir various flowers and sugars and ferment strange substances in order to produce his new super-food for bees.

Well time passed and folk sort of forgot about Dr Bumble Beaman’s experiments until one night when the full moon was at its height a group of local villagers saw a terrible apparition. It was a huge Vampire Bumble Bee that was running up and down the street buzzing loudly and biting the heads of flowers in the villager’s front gardens. Well at another time of year that might have been overlooked, but it was only a few days until the Britain in Bloom competition, and the Small village of Upper Dilly-Pickford (where they all lived) had won the best village prize for the last four years. And if it won this year it would receive a large silver cup and appear on Gardeners World and that nice Mr Monty Don would visit to present the cup.  

Well the very next morning the village Britain in Bloom committee met and thought they must do something in case the terrible monster bee returned. It was at this point that they all thought of Dr Bumble Beaman, after all if anyone knew what to do it would be him. So the mayor and the chairman of the village Britain in Bloom committee went to see him, but when they arrived at the house a dishevelled and sick looking Dr Beaman open the door refusing to let them in. He did however say he would look into it and investigate, although he kept twitching and making slight buzzing sounds which the mayor and the chairman of the village Britain in Bloom committee put down to a bit too much gin.

That night yet again the terrible huge Vampire Frankenstein Monster bee was seen attacking the roses of Mrs White at No 22 and then eating water lilies in the village pond before pushing Mr Brown’s prized pumpkin into the old horse trough. Enough is enough thought the village, and the next evening they lay in wait near the villages centre piece, a seagull and a goat made out of geraniums and sweet peas next to the village car park where it cleverly hid the recycling bins from view. Then just before midnight running up the road buzzing came the sight and sound of the terrible monster bee. As it got close, the villagers leap out and chased it with pitch folks and extra strong fly spray. Panicked the huge mutant vampire Bumble Bee ran back to Dr Bumble Beaman’s shed and locked itself in.

A terrible unspeakable thing happened that night and neither Dr Bumble Beaman nor Mr Hive (the Monster Bee) were ever seen again, and the village of Upper Dilly-Pickford received its big silver cup from Monty Don. Sadly though just a few years later all the bees died out or vanished and there were never any flowers in  Upper Dilly-Pickford after that and it never won the Britain in Bloom competition ever again and there was a strange lingering feeling of guilt among the villagers that eventually drove several of them mad. The large silver cup they won hidden away in a locked cupboard in the village hall.          

Harry the Witch and Princess Malfoy . . . A rather unusual fairytale

Once upon a time there was a young wizard called Harry, (no not that wizard) who was not entirely happy at his new school for wizards (no not that school). You see despite the common perception that wizards fly about on broomsticks they don’t. It is in fact a misconception brought about by that other extremely popular and well-known Harry. The truth is Wizards DO NOT EVER fly about on broomsticks it is just not allowed or possible and a wizard would be in deep trouble if he even tried. Only witches get to use broomsticks as transport and they are often seen flying to and fro, here and there with their faithful black cats smiling and looking ever so slightly evil. 

Now the thing is although Harry was a young wizard he had always dreamed of flying to and fro here and there with his faithful black cat smiling and looking ever so slightly evil ever since he was very very small. But all his life he had been told NO you are a Wizard and Wizards don’t use Broomsticks . . . Well this was all very frustrating for Harry until one day he finally thought I know I will become a witch. So he borrowed a pointy hat and a big gown and various other items of clothing from his friend Henrietta and went off to see the headmaster to tell him that from now on he was going to be called Harriet and was now a witch, Harriet the Witch.

Well as Harry (Harriet) entered the headmaster’s office the headmaster (Professor Humble-Pie) looked up only to chock on his morning cup of newts brain tea . . . What on earth has happened Harry has someone cast a terrible spell on you. . . Harry then explained that he had decided that he wanted to be Harriet the Witch and he (now she) was going to get a broomstick and a black cat called Tinkerbell. Well the headmaster was not happy and tried to persuade Harry (Harriet) that he really would be better as a wizard. But Harriet (Harry) was not going to change his/her mind now.

As Harriet (Harry) walked into class there was much sniggering and pointing and name calling but Harry (Harriet) had spent ages getting all those witches undergarments on and even Malfoy the school bully was not going to get the better of Harry (Harriet) now.  Then after school while the other wizards laughed and pointed Harriet finally got a broomstick to try and to everyone’s amazement was off flying round the school doing loop the loops and all manner of tricks it seems that Harry the Wizard was indeed Harriet the Witch. Malfoy the school bully was not happy though, and was about to cast a terrible spell on Harriet when Harriet turned him into a frog as witches do. Malfoy demanded to be turned back into Malfoy but Harriet (Harry) said he would only be turned back into a wizard when he was kissed by a Prince because that was what always happened.  Malfoy was as you might expect a bit annoyed . . . Kissed by a Prince . . . YUCK.

Well a few days later a young Prince called Prince Percy was passing and on seeing the large frog thought to himself . . . . Ah a frog I really should kiss it just in case, after all this is a fairy tale (sort of).  To his amazement what should appear before him but Malfoy dressed in a long flowing princess’s sparkly dress and wearing a tiara.  And as we know everyone lived happily ever after . . . . . . . . . . AH Well almost.

You see after Prince Percy and Princess Malfoy were married Prince Percy discovered that Princess Malfoy did nothing but complain all the time, particularly at breakfast. So in the end Prince Percy got a friendly witch to turn Princess Malfoy back into a frog, of course yet again he-she (Princess Malfoy) was not happy about this. Prince Percy never kissed another frog after that and eventually met a proper Princess and they lived happily ever after in a traditional palace with towers and stuff.

But it was not the end of Princess Malfoy who after a long spell living in a duck pond and several other adventures re-emerged into the world of popular fairy tales as a wicked Step Mother, and a very good (as in wicked) wicked Step Mother she was too.

As for Harriet (Harry) the Witch, she (he) can often be seen flying to and fro on her broomstick with her Black cat called Tinkerbell in the moon lit night sky, Tinkerbell the cat smiling and looking ever so slightly evil. And they lived Happily ever after too.

The End  

Olaf the Ogre . . . A fairytale

Olaf the Ogre often wandered into the village to collect his groceries snarling and growling in a menacing way, sending the locals fleeing in all directions screaming and panicking. But the thing is, it was not all as it first appeared because Olaf the Ogre was actually rather a friendly chap (ogre). OK he was an ogre, but you see he worked for the King and the King insisted that Olaf the Ogre acted in a traditional Ogre way, the villagers all liked Olaf the Ogre but were happy to do their bit to look scared and run about and panic when he arrived to stock up on provisions. You see Olaf lived in the enchanted forest, which unfortunately were not very enchanted anymore, which is why the King thought a large scary ogre lurking about might help.

Well all was well and the villagers were happy as they liked Olaf and the King was happy as everyone seems to runaway and looked frightened and Olaf was happy as he was able to make a decent living and only had to pretend to be a bit of a horrid, nasty and somewhat scary Ogre.

Then one day a rather aloof and unpopular Prince arrived in the kingdom in order to win the hand of the King’s daughter. Well traditionally this usually involves killing dragons or slaying terrible monsters or some sort of similar feat of bravery. However there were no real monsters or dragons in the kingdom so the Prince decided that he would fight and kill Olaf the Ogre in the enchanted forest. The Prince informed the King of his intention which was a bit of a shock for the King who said it was not necessary, although he thought he better not tell the prince that he was paying Olaf the Ogre to make the forest seem a bit scarier. After all except for a grumpy hedgehog and a rather aggressive old badger that limped it was generally rather a nice forest. But the Prince insisted he was off to kill the ogre, assuming that the King was worried he would get hurt as he was after all a brave handsome Prince and something of a catch for any Princess. Although the Princess herself thought he was an idiot, so was rather hoping that he would fail in his quest, but she also knew that Olaf the Ogre was a bit of a fake and that he was actually rather a friendly and kind Ogre.

As the Prince rode off on his trusty stead into the forest even the villagers tried to persuade the Prince to reconsider his quest, but to him they were just foolish peasants and did not know of the ways of Princes.  The Prince found Olaf the Ogre very quickly and said . . . . I have come to kill you and win the hand of the Princess in marriage . . . .  Well Olaf looked at the Prince and said . . .  Well I can not fight you with armour that dirty, but I will clean it for you if you wish . . . The Prince thanked the Ogre and took off his armour. . . expecting Olaf the Ogre to clean it, but instead he ran off with it.

An hour later the Prince wearing a full set of very shiny armour arrived at the Kings palace and demanded to marry the Princess straight away. However the next morning at the breakfast table the King was somewhat shocked to find out that his daughter the Princess was now married to Olaf the Ogre and they were very happy, in fact everyone lived happily ever after. . . . well almost everyone?

The Prince it seems was never seen again and folk think maybe the not very enchanted forest is enchanted after all and that is probably very true.

And that is why after much thought I have decided that I will probably vote to leave the EU unless I change my mind. 

Goldilocks and the Three Bears and other stuff

An old fairy tale I have told before, but life has been a bit busy with a visitor and I have stuff to get done, but I have tweaked it a bit. So its sort of repeat but not quite, a bit like on the Television when they do things like this and pretend its not a repeat. but it is



Once upon a time there were three bears, you see it is rather common for things to come in threes in fairy tales, like in that Snow White story.   Now these bears went for a walk because their porridge was too hot to eat something that happened rather a lot in the bear household for reasons that will become apparent later. Anyway while they were out a Miss Goldilocks turned up and thought porridge YUM so ate baby bears porridge, but thought I am still hungry, so ate both mummy bear’s and daddy bears porridge. She then went upstairs and jumped up and down on baby bears bed which broke, and mummy bears and finally daddy bears, which was well cool like being on a huge trampoline. If there is one thing we have all learnt over the years is that Miss Goldilocks is not the nicest girl about and has a history of petty crime stealing breakfast and breaking beds, picking on bears in particular because she blames then for ruining her life. A Catch 22 situation if you ask me? I also believe she complained that grannies eyes and teeth were too big.

It just so happened that while in the process of trying a triple reverse somersault on the bed of daddy bear and laughing hysterically the three bears arrived home, something she did not notice as she had one last attempt at destroying the bed. The three bears saying . .  look its Miss Goldilocks . . . (well you would I guess, and in an annoyed way). But at that very moment the big bad werewolf leapt out of the wardrobe and ate Miss Goldilocks.  The bears were very displeased and shouted at the big bad werewolf because I think they fancied eating her later in a stew with spiced lentils and a nice tomato sauce. But the big bad werewolf said that Miss Goldilocks was in fact a vampire clone and there was loads of cloned vampire Goldilocks’ all over the place and he was there to save the bears from being turning into The Living Dead by eating them (the Miss Goldilocks’ not the bears). Blaming all the bad press he gets on three pigs (yes there were three of them, see what I mean about three's) who tried to build houses on the greenbelt by getting round the planning laws using straw. Big bad werewolf put in a formal complaint to the council and then the pigs tried to ruin his reputation. Anyway the point is the three bears said the big bad werewolf was big and bad and told him to go away and they would deal with vampires and young girls breaking their beds themselves. Well lets face it bears are grumpy at the best of times. 

The following morning as mummy bear over heated the porridge again and daddy bear moaned again, mummy bear saying IF HE SPENT LESS TIME IN THE LOO READING ALL THE GRIMM STORIES IN THE PAPERS THEN THE PORRIDGE WOULD NOT be so damn hot and it was all his fault Baby bear adding We should go to the woods again because he had heard from his Mate that bears do things in the woods . And he was keen to find out what it was. And who could blame him, although on a personal level all I can say is curiosity generally ends in tears, so best not to know.

When they got home they found three (see its three of them again) cloned Miss Goldilocks laughing hysterically and leaping up and down on their beds. Big bad Werewolf was right all along they were cloned vampires So they shouted HELP US BIG BAD WEREWOLF, but a voice from outside the window said OOOOO YES YOU WANT ME TO HELP NOW AFTER PHONING ALL YOUR FRIENDS LAST NIGHT AND SAYING I WAS BIG AND BAD SO I DON’T THINK I WILL NOW. Then the vampire Miss Goldilocks bit all the bears, who turned into The Living Dead, after which the big bad werewolf ate the Miss Goldilocks; after all he has a job to do. And the three bears wandered in the woods forever doing what bears do in the woods forever ……… THE END

Best not to ask what the bears are up to in the woods, but it is not nice (so I have been told)

As this is a child friendly blog  . . . . if a small child is asking you what a bear does in the woods then I am sorry about that. 

A fairytale about a Witch, a Prince, a Princess, and the Forbidden Forest which might not end quite as you suspect.

Once Upon a time on Christmas Day a handsome Prince headed off into the great forbidden forest to save the Princess. . . .As Princes do in all the best fairy tales. . . . Well after a while the Prince got lost and was also rather hungry. Luckily though in the darkness of the forest he saw a small light shining from the window of a rather rickety old cottage deep within the forest. As the Prince approached the door a old witch opened it and said

Ah you must be the Handsome Prince hoping to save the Princess

Why yes said the Prince

And I bet you’re really hungry and reckon you could eat a horse

Yes indeed I am starving said the Prince

Well as it Christmas day you can come in and I will see what I have added the old witch

As they entered and the Prince sat down at the Witches table the Witch pondered her larder and said

What about a roast mummified horse?

Ah no . . . not really what I had in mind said the Prince

Mmm I thought you would say that of course. . . . .

Well I have

Eye of Frog

Leg of Dog

Blood stained lettuce

And the Bark from a log

But the Prince said I would rather have something else

Well what about

Harry Potters Heart

Mud from the wheels of an old apple Cart

A big bowl of sick

And a Vicars Fart

OOoo yuck no said the Prince

You are a fussy Prince and that’s for sure said the Witch

What about

A Crows beak

A mouldy Leek

A large fresh slug

And intestines of a man who was always rather bleak

Ooooooo no thanks replied the Prince

Well OK What about

A cute Kitten’s diced left front paw

Or a wizards bones on which you could gnaw

Or deep fried worms or you could EVEN HAVE them Raw

With a small portion of lions Roar

With a small portion of lions Roar said the Prince in a slightly quizzical way

Look you don’t have something like Kentucky fried Chicken, Pancakes and ice cream and maybe some raspberry sauce

WHAT . . . .  shouted the Witch rather annoyed repeating it a few times

 I’m a witch you are in the Forbidden Forest not the local Little Chef

And with that she waved her arms about and in a flash the Prince was turned into a large Green Frog.  Well it just so happened that at that very moment the Princess turned up to see the witch. Well the Green Frog (the Prince) was rather pleased to see a Princess because he knew that if she kissed him he would turn back into a Handsome Prince.

The Princess spotting the smiling frog said OOOOOooooo a Frog and picked it up looking at its little (well not that little) face. The Prince (the frog) closed his eyes in readiness to be turned back into a Prince, but before you could shout Ooooo look a Seagull the Princess swallowed the frog and said Delicious I love Frogs.  Then turning to the Witch she said I don’t suppose you have seen a handsome Prince Father said there was one in the woods.  The Witch replying He is much closer than you realise my dear but I wouldn’t wait too long for him.

With that the Princess asked the Witch. . . Do you have one of those scaly serpents tails

I do love a fried twisty tail . . . . .  YUM

And they all lived happily ever after . . . . Well most of them did.    

The true story (from Egypt) behind the Princess and the Pea Fairytale

Many people have heard the story of the Princess and the Pea, but few are aware that its origins are a true story which has been told for hundreds of years by Egyptian nomadic goat farmers. A tale handed down from father to son in the evenings below the stars as they eat their flat breads and spicy bean and goat stew.  The original story is based on a true event but as always us in the west have chopped and changed it so much that the wisdom of that original tale is all but lost. So in order to put this right I feel I should tell that original tale as told to me by one of those old goat farmers (now living in Mid-Wales)

Once Upon a Time there was a young and ambitious nomadic goat farmer who had been given a rather motley collection of goats by his father so that he could go into the world and make his fortune. His father would have given him more, but sadly nomadic goat farmers are poor and have little to give but goats.  The young goat farmer worked hard and bred many goats and they all prospered as they roamed the arid grass lands of the deserts fringes.

Then one day the young goat farmer had the opportunity to buy a posh pedigree goat with soft long hair which he knew would make lovely blankets to sell at market.  He called the goat Princess and although a lovely goat she was rather aloof and looked down upon the other rather dishevelled and scruffy goats.  However every night Princess was restless and tossed and turned and jiggled about trying to sleep, which then disturbed the entire herd.

In the end after several days the young goat farmer decided to search through the straw to find out what was causing his posh new goat to have such a restless night. After several hours he found a dried chickpea under Princess and once it was removed she slept like a log (as the old saying goes). Well this was fine for several days but the other goats were rather keen on chickpeas and ate loads of them, but goats are messy eaters and Princess started to disturb the other goats again. So the young goat farmer thought he would just put more straw down so that Princess would not feel the chickpea under her.  Well over the nights he put more and more and more straw down for Princess to sleep on, but it was to no avail she always knew there was a small dried chickpea under her bedding.

After several weeks he suddenly had a brilliant idea and he put Princess with his camel which was called Prince who did not eat chickpeas much. Anyway as we all know camels don’t leave food lying about ever, not even a single chickpea.  And from then onwards everyone slept in peace and all was well.

Well . . .  all was well for a while, because Prince (the Camel) and Princess (the Goat) became very close and then one very star lit night Prince kissed Princess and instantly she turned into a camel and the pair of them ran off together into the night and were last seen in a train heading out into the desert.  The young Goat farmer never bought another posh goat after that because he thought it was just too much work, and to this day all the goats you see in Egypt are a rather dishevelled and scruffy and all the camels think they are Posh and important.

And that is the true story of the Princess and the Pea . . . . . . sort of           

A Fairytale involving Fate, Wizards, Wisdom, Perilous Journeys and the voice of the enchanted Fleezleboo

Once upon a Time (yes its fairytale time again) there was a famous wizards conference, held every couple of years in the Great Kingdom of Eek, in the Province of Illuminations near the famous cursed lake known to all as The Black Pool in the town of Rowlingside. A popular location for conferences among wizards, witches and various other groups ever since that Harry Potter was seen scurrying about near Rowlingside fish and chip shop, before he became all religious and vanished forever into the Holy Wood.

Now as is always the way in fairy tales the journey (to the conference) is very perilous and wizards sometimes do not make it, due to attacks from the dark witches, monsters and various evil spirits. It has even been know for wizards not to go, but this is frowned upon, as it is seen as a rite of passage to prove the worth of the wizard and his skills at wizardry and cunning guile.  And it means they generally all have a great tale to tell during evenings at the bar.

There is no easy route as each has its own hazards, from the terrible Angry Mountains of Fear to The Plains of Madness.  However our tale is of two wizards, the wise Professor Arnoldium Trestle-Table and the foolish Professor Hamish Pikefish Flounder who decided they would travel together.  They had decided to travel through The Valley of Mystical Mists, a strange world that when the sun shines can be an easy passage for a wizard travelling to conference. But once the mists appear them it is said it is best not to move and that you need to take cover, and under no circumstances listen to the voices of the enchanted Fleezleboo. The voice of the Fleezleboo is very convincing and will tell wizards many things in order to trick them into fatal errors of judgement, which is why it is best to be a wise wizard rather than a foolish wizard.

Our two wizards travel fast and easily make it most of the way through the valley during daylight, but as sunset arrives so does the strange Mysterious Mists. Spotting a large Oak tree to spend the night in they climb high into its canopy, knowing that high up in the branches of the ancient oak they are safe. And so it is that they sleep peacefully until morning when they conjure up bacon, sausage and eggs and Scotch pancakes with maple syrup and smoked kippers. Happily eating their breakfast until the mist clears and they can complete their journey.

As they chat and ponder the vast sea of mist below them from their vantage point in the oak tree a serene voice from below calls to them. . . . It’s safe now you can come down and go to conference. . .  Well the wise Professor Arnoldium Trestle-Table is not going to be fooled by the voice of the Fleezleboo and shouts down we are not fools we know that if we do we will be bitten by a huge centipede turning us into Zombies and then earwigs will bore into our brains and eat them and then the Toe-dy Beast will nibble our toes and finally our bodies will be eaten by slugs.

Then the voice says. . . .  No No it is me, Miss Granger from those films, I am guest speaker it is quite safe. . . .  Well the foolish Professor Hamish Pikefish Flounder says . . . . OOOO I always wanted to meet her . . . and leaps to the ground. Well I think you can guess what happens. . . . He is bitten by a huge centipede turning him a Zombie and then earwigs bore into his brain and eat it, and then the Toe-dy Beast nibbles his toes and finally his bodies is eaten by slugs.  Well the wise Professor Arnoldium Trestle-Table shakes his head and says he was a foolish wizard to believe such a lie.

He waits patiently in the tree watching the mist slowly burn off in the sun until it is almost gone, when the faint voice of the Fleezleboo says look out for that dragon I would get out of that oak tree if I was you, but  Professor Arnoldium Trestle-Table is very wise and laughs. Then the very next second a huge Dragon swoops out of the sky and eats him.

Which just goes to show the hand of fate does not look upon the wise or foolish any differently and you just can’t tell what is going turn up out of the blue. . . . .  But it is very unlikely to be Miss Granger.     

How to Write a very Traditional Old School Fairytale Starting with Once Upon a Time

The trick to. . .  How to Write a very Traditional Old School Fairytale Starting with Once Upon a Time . . . is very simple indeed. Just go for it. . . A bit like this one

Once upon a time in the far distant past in a land ruled by a fairly typical King and Queen as often seen or read about in fairy tales, there was a young princess. Yes you have guessed it she was in fact the daughter of the King and Queen and was very beautiful. Now being a princess and also young and beautiful made the wicked witch of the woods very very angry. Partly because she was not young and beautiful, but also because wicked witches in fairy tales are generally grumpy and always end up having a rotten time. Some would probably argue this is their own fault and if they were nice to folk all would be well. But they are wicked witches and that would be silly and ruin a good fairytale, and witches do love a good fairytale and will often turn up for no good reason what so ever.

Now it just so happens that one day the Wicked Witch of the Woods met the princess as she was riding through the woods heading no where in particular and the witch told the princess she had put a terrible spell on all the handsome princes in all the kingdom. And that if the princess wanted to meet her husband to be (as princesses have a habit of doing in fairy tales) she would need to kiss every frog she saw . . . .  (Obviously because the wicked witch had turned the handsome prince into a frog). Only it was a lie; the wicked witch had not turned any princes into frogs and the witch left laughing hysterically as witches do.

Well from that day onward the Princess went around looking for frogs kissing every single one she found much to the embarrassment of the King and Queen who kept introducing all the best princes to the princess as prospective husbands, but to no avail as she was convinced that Mr Right (the prince) was in fact a frog.

In the end out of desperation the King offered half his kingdom to anyone who could stop the princess kissing all the damn frogs, by now she had started a breeding program and there were frogs everywhere. Well on hearing this, a passing minstrel said he could do this that very night, but he insisted that he also got to marry the princess. The King agreed as by now many many wizards, knights, mathematicians and every prince in the land had tried and failed to stop the princess kissing frogs.

As night fall arrived the young Minstrel slipped into his Pantomime Frog outfit he used for his Christmas play and went and sat among the bulrushes at the edge of the royal lake. So it was that a short time later the princess on her nightly quest to find frogs spotted him. . . . OOOOOoooo you are big. . .  she said and gave him a big kiss, as she did so the minstrel unzipped the Pantomime frog suit and leapt out.  . . . OOOOOoooo you are big . . . . Said the princess and the very next day they were married and lived happily ever after

O NO they didn’t

O yes they did

O No they Didn’t . . . (continuing the pantomime theme a bit longer).

So . .  O yes they DID.

Well actually they did not, you see the princess it appeared rather liked kissing frogs all the time and insisted the poor minstrel dress up as a frog each night. The pair of them then leapt and frolicked about in a large lake chirping and croaking and various other things that should not be mentioned in a children’s fairytale.   Well this was all very exciting for the princess, but the poor old minstrel now a prince decided it was all a bit strange so he ran off and was never seen again. . . Although it is said he got a job as a pantomime dame in the west end and married Peter Pan (who is a woman. . . Yes I don’t know why Peter Pan is always a woman either).

As for the Princess she is happy in her palace breeding rare frogs and still kissing them just in case. I will not got into the details of Bath Night . . . . 

And the Wicked Witch of the Woods lived happily ever after, well someone has too this is a fairy tale its tradition

O No she didn’t

O Yes She did. . . . . . You see it’s my fairytale so . . . . YA SUCKS BOO.    

AH NO. . . . actually she didn’t

DAMN 

A Cautionary Tale of Love and the Curse of the Living Dead

  

Once upon a time in the land of Britainium was a very very posh wizard school where all the really wealthy folk sent their young wizards to learn how to be a wizard. The problem was the young wizards were in general a bunch of spoilt brats who did not always listen to their teachers and would mess about and shout hoorah henri a lot at passers by.  Then one day a certain young wizard called David Volderon fell in love with a young Zombie from Denmark who was one of the walking dead who helped to feed the posh wizards in the Kitchen. He knew she was from Denmark because she had a huge tattoo saying Danish right down one side, It was something the young Zombie had always regretted but at the time it was a bit of a trend among the Danish Walking Dead.  Anyway our young hero and the love of his life who he called Miss Piggy, due to the fact she would squeal rather a lot during their love making . . .  The details of which I will not go into as this is a child friendly blog.  

The trouble was Young David was an ambitious little wizard and knew that a relationship with one of the living dead would not be looked on favourably with the masses and so he dumped his young Danish partner and left her to rot in the kitchens where she was left to serve bacon, pork pies and various other cuts of meat to the pupils. She eventually vanished but not before it was said she cursed David Volderon; telling him she would return one day to haunt him like a decaying full English Breakfast and that he would never be able to eat a bacon butty ever again without hearing the sounds of wild bores every day in his vast office and his place of work, and that the disgrace of what he did to her would live on forever.

At the time he and his friends mocked her and laughed thinking who does this foolish person think they are with their piggy ears, piggy nose, piggy mouth and a small curly tail and large tattoo. But as we all now know the terrible curse has risen from out of the dark and poor David Volderon has even been deserted by his faithful pet (all wizards have pets) Kermit the Dog.

I said it might be the End of the World today and it appears for one poor chap it sort of has been. I suspect sleeping on the sofa tonight might be on the cards.

The Ogre and the Prince . . . A Fairytale.

Once upon a time there was a King and Queen who ruled over a huge kingdom with their young son the Prince. They were in fact a fairly typical fairytale royal family living in a big castle in the centre of their land where everyone lived happily.  The Prince was a quiet and timid chap who was a bit of a naturalist and would often venture in to Fromley Wood, it was called Fromley Wood but it was huge and in places looked like an impregnable forest.

Unknown to the King and Queen deep in the heart of the wood lived a family of Ogres, Bert an Emily and their daughter Jupiter Frimtormilly. Who tended to keep themselves to themselves as Bert and Emily were well aware that Ogres in general tended to get a tough time from humans. Then one day Bert and Emily decided to go off to see their old friend the giant who lived at the top of a huge Beanstalk, leaving young Jupiter Frimtormilly to look after the house for a few days.

Well on one particular day as Jupiter Frimtormilly was out exploring it just so happened that the Prince was out doing research on spiders and was studying what he thought was a new species (very exciting. . . No it is).  Suddenly the Prince heard the sound of something large behind him and as he turned he found himself being attacked by a huge ferocious Bear. Well he thought he was a goner for sure. But just as he was about to be eaten Jupiter Frimtormilly arrived at the scene and threw the bear into a tree and saved the Prince who was badly injured. She helped the Prince to the edge of the wood where some local villagers took him to the castle, where the Prince promptly clasped.

The King hearing of the Ogre thought that Jupiter Frimtormilly had attacked the Prince and left with his knights into Fromely Wood to rid it of all Ogres. The knights chased Jupiter Frimtormilly round and round the Wood and eventually cornered her in a huge Oak tree which they set fire too to kill her. 

On returning to the castle he then learnt of his terrible mistake when the Prince told him how Jupiter Frimtormilly had saved him. So he returned to the woods where he met Jupiter Frimtormilly’s parents who had just returned from visiting the giant.  Bert and Emily listened to the King and his knights as they explained of their mistake, and after some considerable thought decided the best thing to do was eat them all. . . . Which they did.

Surprisingly just as they were chewing the last leg of the last knight who should turn up but Jupiter Frimtormilly who had managed to leap to another tree to escape, she was not happy and wanted to know why they had not saved her anything to eat.  Jupiter Frimtormilly did think that she should go and explain to the Prince that her parents had also got the wrong end of what had happened and had sort of eaten everyone.

Amazingly back at the castle Jupiter Frimtormilly and the Prince (now the King) found they got on really well and after a short whirlwind romance got married and lived happily ever after.  The Queen forgave Bert and Emily and said that the King had always been a bit impetuous and anyway he snored really really loudly. She then ran off with one of the gardeners who she had been seeing in secret for a while, opening a flower shop in town

And that is the End I think? 

The Pithlyiffion one of Naturer's Fantastic Beasts

The Pithlyiffion is a strange and wondrous beast indeed, one of the truly Fantastic beasts of history and one not to be trifled with (yes its one of those odd British sayings again) and one not to be put in a trifle either.  And its rather bizarre attributes were summed up in a poem by the great Samuel Taylor Coleridge that went as follows

Beware the Pithlyiffion, the strange and wondrous beast

Sitting high up in the Forrest trees

With its poisonous and deadly lick

And although it resembles some ancient mythical bird

It has a rather strange defensive trick

It falls to ground wrapped in its wings

Like a rather large house brick

Of course as you might expect of poems from the founder of the Romantic Movement, the poem goes on for at least half an hour and involves all sorts of things from seagulls and sailors to dancing with Victorian women in clearings in the woodland.  But the key points about the Pithlyiffion are well covered by this short extract.  You see the Pithlyiffion has a very poisonous lick indeed and although in general people recover, should you be unfortunate to be licked on a scratch or open wound then death is a distinct possibility. Some say that Coleridge had a pet Pithlyiffion and that it was to blame for his untimely death.

And as the poem says, despite the fact it has wings and does look like a bird its wings were made of an almost indestructible membrane which it would indeed wrap round its own body. In this way nothing could hurt it. It had no real enemies in nature, except the usual one mankind, who discovered that by boiling the beast for several hours it became an incredibly useful paste that could be used to seal the boilers of steam engines. What was unknown was that the Pithlyiffion only bred once every ten years and lived for almost two hundred years. So by 1873 with the loss of its breeding habitat in the wild the last Pithlyiffion died.  Unlike the Dodo which lent itself to being stuffed and displayed in a glass case, a popular Victorian pastime the Pithlyiffion once it died would turn to fine dust which would blow away in even the slightest of breezes. A fact that led to it becoming a creature of legend rather than fact. There are some who say the dust from the body of a dead  Pithlyiffion has substantial magic powers and that many of the legends of magic from mans history are the result of this, but we will probably never know for sure.  All we can say is that it must have been a truly fantastic Beast.