The Mechanical Knights of Trumble-Spinny . . .A tale based on a true story.(sort of)

Well with the departure of many political leaders in Britain and the countries  apparent lean to the right, it appears that my humble blog has now totally vanished into the darkness of cyberspace where man and beast fear to tread. . . OK when I say tread I don’t mean physically tread this is cyberspace not the forbidden forest of Trumble-Spinny north of Dunconkilly.

Which means that I can write almost anything, so I shall start with a story about the Forbidden Forest of Trumble-Spinny north of Dunconkilly?  Yes many many years ago there was a great clan leader called the Queen of Dunconkilly who lived in Castle Dunconkilly near the small town of Dunconkilly in the kingdom of Dunconkilly. These were the days when the various clans in Scotland would fight and shout at each other loads, set fire to pigeons and wave swords in a ferocious way at small children. Telling them the evil Cait Sith would get them in their sleep.  Unfortunately the people of Dunconkilly where not fighting folk they had been brought up with a good education reading books thanks to the Queen of Dunconkilly who wrote many many books.

However the good folk of the Kingdom of Dunconkilly where not pleased by the constant insults of the un-kept and dishevelled passing clansmen calling them names, throwing deep fried haggis at them and waving their sporrans at them all in a rude suggestive manner. And a request was made to the queen to resolve the issue so that the people of her kingdom could have a peaceful life.    

So it was that the Queens great professor of Science (Professor Stumbldore) invented The Mechanical Knights of Trumble-Spinny. These were fearsome fighting mechanical men who waited, ever alert in the forest of Trumble-Spinny north of Dunconkilly overlooking the only way into the Kingdom of Dunconkilly. If the clansmen attempted to attack the Queen of Dunconkilly and her people shouting terrible things and waving their swords, then The Mechanical Knights of Trumble-Spinny would repel the hoards of wild looking Clansmen sending them running. And as time passed the forest became known across Scotland as The Forbidden Forest of Trumble-Spinny north of Dunconkilly. Even today folk do not venture there and it is said that the Queen of Dunconkilly is still happily writing books in her castle about the strange and wondrous events in her kingdom. 

  

Wilbury Wainwright Wrong . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Wilbury Wainwright Wrong

Wibury Wainwright Wrong was brought up in a strange household where his father also an eminent inventor of his day, had gone slightly mad and spent much of his time sat in the bath with a bicycle wheel on his head convinced he was a penguin. And when Wibury Wainwright Wrong reached the age of 18 he promised his father that he would make a machine that would allow them both to fly like the birds. So it was that Wilbury assisted by his younger brother Womble Wainwright Wrong built the Winged Wonder which successfully flew 300 yards in 1882 powered by a tiny steam engine which produced 14 HP. There were few witnesses as their father who also got to fly would leap out of the plane on landing and start rummaging for worms in the ground.

They thought little of their achievement as it was done to satisfy their fathers need to be a bird, but many years later they did complain that the Wright brothers were not the first people to achieve powered flight.  It was the Preposterous Club of Great Britain who took up the cause and complained to the American Embassy in London saying that the Wright brothers were wrong and the Wrong brothers were right. Well as you might expect this got very confusing and folk did not know if  the Wrights were right and Wrong’s wrong or wrong was right and Wright was wrong. Confused even more when someone said Two Wrongs don’t make a Wright, which led to a fight in Trafalgar Square where unfortunately  Wainwright Wrong senior still convinced he was a bird climbed Nelsons column and did something unspeakable on the head of Nelson while eating peanuts.  Everyone agreed this was wrong so in order to avoid the issue turning up in history Wibury Wainwright Wrong let history say that the Wright Brothers achieved mans first powered flight.

However the Wright Brothers got very paranoid after that and demanded that no one else was allowed to fly in the sky ever and spend many years chasing men dressed as penguins with bicycle wheels on their heads. Unaware that this was a common Victorian inventors ailment rather that a practical effort at manned flight.  As for the Wainwright Wrong family they lived a quiet life designing penguin enclosures one of which (the award winning Penguin House) at London Zoo has got a subtle hint of the propeller from their now forgotten monoplane the Winged Wonder. . 

Igor Ivanovich . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Igor Ivanovich

Having learnt his trade as a set builder in the Bolshoi Ballet Igor Ivanovich was an expert at making a swan out of a roll of gaffer tape some old boxes and an old bicycle dragged out of the canal. And he probably would have never become an inventor had it not been for his fool hardy attempt at smuggling a set of the Barometric Bellows past the Russian customs after a tour by the Bolshoi Ballet in Britain. But he was forced to find new employment and adapted his many skills to producing sophisticated mechanical devices that appealed to the wealthy elite of Europe. As he often said . . . I hate the common man with his flat cap, football and meat pies laughing and singing in their ale houses. Yes sadly Igor Ivanovich was a bit of an elitist snob.

But he could make wonderful mechanical birds and insects which became known as  Ivanovich Intrigues and although not a practical invention they were much admired by Elizabeth Romanova who kept a large collection of Ivanovich Intrigues at her palace in Russia. For a time he was quite a celebrity, but one day as he walked to his workshop he took a short cut through one of the poorer parts of Saint Petersburg. Where he was recognized by a group of young street urchins who were keen to see one of his mechanical wonders.  However Igor Ivanovich looked at the children and stated that no device of his should ever to shown to horrid small street urchins and he demanded that they hid their heads in shame.  Unfortunately a large crowd of football supports eating meat pies and singing and laughing had just left the local ale house and overheard Igor Ivanovich’s words and it did not go down well.  When Igor Ivanovich recovered consciousness he found himself conscripted into the Russian navy for twenty five years. Sadly he never recovered from the hardship of navy life and spent his last few years locked in the Moscow State Lunatic Asylum (not one of the more enlightened hospitals of the day)  with an old bicycle wheel on his head convinced he was a penguin………… 

Scottish Independence YES or NO a final comment

Tomorrow is vote day, the big day in Scotland when both sides will be doing their bit and hoping for the best. One important thing to remember though is that all Scotsmen like a bit of a party. If Scotland votes YES there will be a huge party with folk leaping about knowing that over the next couple of years it will be all change and into the great unknown. If Scotland votes NO there will be a party, but not as good because everything will stay the same. Folk don’t generally have parties when stuff stays the same. Its like children having a party because they are not leaving home, these seldom happen because it’s hard to party when your parents are crying in the dining room.

While pondering things, two interesting thoughts came to mind. . . .Let’s face it someone normally nicks my thought and says it’s theirs, the first I have mentioned in FB as a passing comment but I thought well that’s interesting what will happen with that. You see I thought as we plan to adopt the Queen and let England have Prince (King) Charles then we could keep the pound as it’s the Queens face on it. Then I thought HANG ON what about stamps whose stamps will we use, because that lot at Royal Mail use any excuse to put up the price of stamps. I bet they try and charge extra for delivery to Europe. However I have a solution Scotland can sell its own stamps cheaper than the English ones and sell them over the internet to the English so they can send letters and parcels cheaper using the Scottish stamps . . . .  Yet another problem solved and a good revenue generator.

This brings me to my second point; you see Scotland has the highest number of Inventors, Discoverers and Explorers per head of population of any country in the world by a huge margin.  So although Independence will see many problems to solve, we are in fact the ideal nation to solve them all. In fact you could argue that we are so good at inventing and discovering things that it would be folly not to vote YES just so we can Invent and Discover even more things.  Even I, down in Shropshire often discover things in muddy holes which I prod with pointy sticks, you don’t see the English doing this . . . . . OK that’s not entire true I can think of at least one English man who prods at stuff with a point stick but they are few and far between.

So remember tomorrow you can either vote YES for an exciting and unknown world of Inventors and discoveries with a Queen and slightly cheaper stamps. Or you can vote NO and keep things the same with David Cameron and Prince Charles, a world of slightly more expensive stamps and the kids never leave home.

You know what to do. . . . .

The worlds most pointless invention and dogs

I was not planning to write anything tonight after all I did say that I was not going to write things everyday and  today would have been a good day to start as all I did was move some wood I got back in the spring to a dryer place and sweep leaves. Although strangely sweeping leaves is a dying art since someone invented the leaf blower which is almost the most pointless invention in the world; using loads of energy to blow leaves from point A to point B so that the wind or your neighbour will blow the leaves back to point A, your neighbour of course using his leaf blower to do this. Using a yard brush sweeping the leafs into a pile and then putting them on the compost pile is for more eco, OK less fun and much harder work  . . . . . . . Hang on I want a leaf blower.

Talk of leaves is not why I am here however, I am here because of dogs who as it happens like to run about in leaves and chew leaf blowers and yard brushes. You see I was eating food watching a bit of TV as the dining table is covered in faulty cardboard birds at present and they happen to say that a huge number of folk do not have any savings (hardly news). They then went on to say ideally everyone should have enough money saved to live for six months  AH HAH HAH h ha hah ah ha haha ha ha ha ha ha yes we wish. They then went on to say folk could make some extra cash having car boot sales, making cakes, or dog walking which will pay about fifteen pounds an hour . . . . . . . . . . . WHAT FIFTEEN POUNDS AN HOUR, I think they must be the wrong side of the Watford Gap somewhere down South in London as up in these parts you can buy a whole pack of dogs for fifteen pounds. I told the Ghost Writer who is the IT Guru for a local charity and he was dead upset he gets less than that per hour for IT and said people must be barking mad and it is a bit Ruff for those of us in the real world.

Just to add to the annoyance I was feeling about this it appears the head of a large bank was filmed buying or using some rather serious illegal drugs, but its OK because he has apologised.  Quite frankly he should be sacked and told to take up dog walking as the fresh air will do him good, but I suspect it will all end in a golden handshake and a  pension…….. GGGggggrrrrrrrrrrrr…….

Woof

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Trusty Old Converse Trainers unwittingly saving Aliens and other stuff

I had my trusty old converse trainers on today in order to ensure safe passage through the day. However the headmaster reckoned as today was the last dry day for a while and I was wearing what he called a manky pair of old trainers I could cut the school playing fields. Well that was not fair I tried to explain that for a tiny period of time my old converse trainers were famous on the internet, well for about a week they were, but it was like water off a ducks back . . . . I am not sure about that old saying I spent ages chasing a duck once to get the water off its back and as far as I could tell it looked just like water.

Cutting the grass was hard work for both me and my footwear but it did come with its own rewards because while I was cutting the grass I saw a small but noisy aeroplane, well it sounded like a small plane but it was invisible and it circled overhead then headed off in a northerly direction.  I then saw two invisible Red Kites (the birds not the fabric device used by Professor Frankincense). When I say I saw these things I looked at where the noise came from but did not see them as they were invisible.

However after lunch where I had told Esmeralda, Freddie and his ferrets and the school Mascot (the goat) about the invisible things I took them off to show them to prove they were there and real, and I was surprised to find a crop circle or a grass circle. This means that the invisible small plane was in fact an alien spacecraft, probably one of the Venusian Battle cruises mentioned yesterday and it was having engine problems. And the Red Kites were in fact aliens from Venus (the planet not the tennis player) and they were saying thanks for sorting out a decent landing pad with nice short grass. 

We have been out to see Mr M again to make sure he is OK I was able to show that if you slide a walking stick up the side of someone's leg while they are wearing trousers and are a bit poorly, they are completely incapable of moving. Mr M is not eating all his food so I also balanced five oranges on the end of his walking stick; that was before I trapped him in bed with the leg trick. AH  . . . . . . DAMN I have a feeling I may have forgotten to remove the walking stick from the side of his leg before we left. I guess the nurses might notice.

Professor FrankenZompire and Mr Voodoo Vam Banshee's Mechanical Emporium of Amazing Contraptions Ltd

The Ghost Writer has got his car back today and it is working hunky dory again so he is very pleased, however he says that he was not expecting it to be turned into a fire breathing dragon by the garage, even though they were very reasonable with their charges. They told him that the modifications to turn the car into a large undulating fire breathing dragon were free and all part of their comprehensive service package. The Ghost Writer says all he really wanted was his car back as the modified vehicle is very unpractical and he is blaming the person who recommended this particular garage because he personally  had never heard of it before.

AH DAMN; as it happens it was me who told him to go to Professor Frankenzompire and Mr Voodoo VaM Banshee’s Mechanical Emporium of amazing contraptions Limited, as they are very friendly and always willing to help. Yes they do have a bit of a reputation for getting a little over enthusiastic in their work, but that is a positive thing when your car is poorly and needs to be fixed.  I guess I should have warned him they are rather keen on dragons though.

Still it is a cool car (dragon), although the police have told the Ghost Writer that the flames emitting from the mouth of the dragon are not legal.

I did not do a lot today, ate, painted and poked about in ditches with a pointy stick and cooked  marshmallow on the breath of a dragon car……..

The great tradition of British Inventors in the technological development of wheelbarrows

The summer Holiday officially started today so Mmmmmmmm Loads to do? Why is it you think you have loads to do; you will be really really busy this summer holiday and have no spare time to do the dull things then after a short time you think……. AH what will I do? I will admit I usually last longer than three hours though before this happens but I blame the weather, not that the weather is bad, in fact it has been rather nice today but I am mentally adjusted now to dull and wet…..

As it happened Mr Charlie and Miss Jane came to see us for lunch so that was cool, lunch even lasted until early evening so we had a six hour lunchtime which is very cool. Mr Charlie is a great inventor of inventions, not those boring mass production useful inventions but inventions that are interesting and quirky in the true tradition of mad British inventors, like dad so they get on very well.

He (Mr Charlie) is in the process on making a special self propelled, gyroscopically balanced auto-tipping wheelbarrow using parts from a BSA Bantam, 15 bicycles, a U2 spy plane and a wheelbarrow. It will enable Miss Jane to shift huge amounts of stuff in their garden and put it into a precise location, accurate to within a millimetre of any latitude, longitude co-ordinate on Earth. So they will have the most accurate wheelbarrow on the planet. If it all goes to plan he thinks demand for this will be enormous because at present most gardeners just dump things at the bottom of the garden without a thought about coordinates which is just sloppy gardening. Miss Jane says she does not want a high tech wheelbarrow just one where the wheel does not fall off or go flat. Both Miss Jane and Mum have said IDIOT but they don’t understand the great advances in the technological development of wheelbarrows that Mr Charlie’s invention will bring to the world.

I bet when George Stevenson first invented the train and laid the track down his garden to the potting shed so Mrs Stevenson did not have to walk so far; Mrs Stevenson probably said “I just wanted so crazy paving dear not that monstrosity”.  But look where it led we can now wait on long concrete platforms in the cool and wet for hours before squeezing into an overcrowded train at a huge cost to ourselves to arrive somewhere late and miss an appointment.

You see without great minds like dad or Mr Charlie we would all still spend all day laying about chilled drinking beer outside a cave waiting for dinner to walk past, then sleep it off and do the same tomorrow. No work to do or tax to pay.

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