The Art of Sarcasm, Loosing Ones Mojo . . . . . And Wasps

As I said yesterday I have lost my wit and humour, folk have tried to reassure me that I am still witty and write in a way that only I can write (well me and the Ghost Writer) due to a unique skill in being able to string total rubbish together in such a way that as a whole it is total rubbish (the whole greater that the parts so to speak). I know that’s true,, that very nice Steven Spielberg has told me many times that he finds it hard to believe anyone could write such total rubbish. It is words like that that make me realize I am indeed unique and thanks to such encouragement I will persevere with my tale (not tail as I don’t have one of those).

It was a strange morning because I woke up to grey skies and the wind blowing all the blossom off the tree in the front garden, that and the as yet still small young leaves on the trees made it look and feel just like autumn. I told everyone in school it was autumn and that summer is now over, and one or two folk thought this was slightly amusing, this I put down to the possible sarcasm of the remark, so I pursued  this idea further as a way of recovering my mojo (wit). So I explained that summer really was over (enforcing the sarcasm) and that their lives were entirely futile and that in the great scheme of things they are meanly ants, small insignificant ants. I appeared to get a bit of nervous laughter from one or two pupils so thought I would push the point a bit further, so having told most of the girls they were merely girls destined for a life of drudgery, babies and fighting in the aisles of the supermarket, while there partners get drunk in the pub and fight and get locked in a cell for the evening. I thought I would go for the jugular and told the headmaster he was rubbish and that his sense of dress was worse that that of a Japanese Elvis impersonator wearing a giraffe outfit and a straw hat.

It appears sarcasm is trickier that I thought as I spent much of the day tied to a tree covered in honey below a wasps nest with a tub of itching power poured on my head. It is a difficult decision between staying perfectly still and not being stung or having a good scratch and getting attacked by wasps. I don’t think telling the wasps they were rubbish and had a pathetic buzz that was not worthy of grannies door bell with flat batteries fitted helped much,  apparently wasps don’t do sarcasm and have no sense of humour what so ever.

I noticed that on my return home Sooty the Cat was practising sarcasm by lying perfectly still on the bed and not being stung by wasps.

Mum said I am an IDIOT, but agreed about the headmasters dress sense.

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F but not the F word and FROMAGE FRAIS ice-cream

Another day and I have just been saying it difficult to make the daily trips of  a young eccentric  (me) to school interesting every single day; The dog says that it will all end in futility and failure. He would say that particularly as today’s guest letter is “F”.  I was a bit worried at first because mum has said I am not allowed to mention the F word. I did say what about Fish but mum said IDIOT.  I assume she is referring to the fish.

So at school after a brief discussion on architecture and “Form follows Function” to which Esmeralda did use the F word it was decided that the pupils would do one of my Famous or is it infamous film re-enactments  so for what I think is the Fird time now we did The Great Escape. During assembly while the front rows hummed Fingal's Cave by Felix Mendelssohn we put. Freddies Ferrets into the tunnels under the main hall to excavate a route to Freedom. Freddies Ferrets will do anything for some free range chicken, fish fingers, fudge and a fairy cake so it did not take long for them to finish. So as the morning assembly reached its finale most of the forth and fifth year had escaped to Freda’s Fish Bar in town to fill up with greasy fat chips, faggots and Fromage frais ice-cream.

Anyway that’s about if for F for tonight because there is still a long way to go until we get to Z and the dogs says Failure is not a word we are allowed to use ……………. …… …….. ……….. ……….. AH I used it now, (DAM sorry that’s the D word now).

At home I have painted some things white and told Sooty off for attacking a little friendly frail dog. Sooty is a wimp and only fights febble fings.  

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Glastonbury, Brinsley Schwarz and a huge hole in the garden

Some rain today and some sun again. But summer is not really as it should be now; we appear to have had all the good hot summery weather during the winter. The problem with the weather when it is like this is that the days sort of pass and no one notices that much because the days all look the same. So after school me and the dogs decided to make a snowman to change the season a bit.

Well as you might expect there is not much snow about in Wales at present so we made the snowman with wet sand and sprayed it with white spray paint. It looked just like a snowman made with snow as apposed a snowman made with sand which would be a sandman. The sandman can be good or bad depending on which story you read. Me and the dog thought we liked the nasty one, so we gave our snowman a sinister smile, Which frightened the cats so Sooty shot up the big tree and Heavy Harry decided to eat food.  Apparently the nasty Sandman collected the eyes of children, and then took the eyes to his iron nest on the moon and fed then to hungry aardvarks or something like that.

As you can tell me and the Ghost Writer are having a crisis of writers block not the first time this has happened to us but in conjunction with the weather and a cat trying to lick my hand as I type means we may have to dig a huge hole in the garden and explore for things.

Ian the Musical Hat Maker is on his knee check up today to check he has a knee and if he has got a knee then they will give his other leg a knee too. Then he will have two knees. He should have been at Glastonbury this year because he played there in 1971 as part of Brinsley Schwarz but what with the knee and people doing things that left the band out in the cold a bit. Not for the first time in the history of the band as Mr Ian says bands in the old days were ripped off all the time and it took years to sort out the paperwork.

Look you have distracted me again, me and the ghost writer are digging a huge hole in the garden. Mum has just shouted at us remember the old saying “DON’T dig yourself into a hole you cant get out of” ….. ah. I can hear mum saying IDIOTS up above us now.

Mr Ian the Musical Hat Maker ........ Click on picture for another song

Auntie Karen says Ian the Musical Hat Maker is fine he has a paper bag on his head and is shouting directions in the car.

The birthday and the Tapas evening

It is the birthday of Miss Issy yet another member of our complex trans-cyberspace family which it has to be said is far too complicated to explain in a book of only about 200,000 words long when it is also meant to be full of swashbuckling adventure. What is swashbuckling anyway I know pirates do it and it is one of the verb descriptive words of an action of some sort, BUT…..?

Anyway you see what happens when you write what you think, RUBBISH.

Because it’s Miss Issy’s birthday we are having a Tapas evening to celebrate, and Miss Issy is due to attend and eat stuff although she is a bit odd about what she eats, eating loads of vegetables and healthy stuff and nothing with legs on it not even crocodile. You cant have a good Tapas meal without eating a few legs, me and the dog eat loads of legs from all sorts of things although not the visitors legs.. School seemed just like yesterday or the day before so maybe it was the second day of the stereotypical days from the day before yesterday or something like that. Does that make sense; Not really still I am sure you all know what I mean sort of?.

The black cat (Sooty) has turned up again today, in fact he turned up at 4:00am in the morning meowing and I had to get up to check he was OK as no one else heard him although the dog did open one eye and muttered stuff. When I opened the door to check on him her it; it ran away, really after stumbling about being made deaf by the cat and the dawn chorus. We have fed it again today much to the disgust of Heavy Harry who has locked himself in dads car as a protest and we have made it a water proof den to get in when it rains although it looked at it and went YUK. There is no pleasing some cats or as the dog says any cats.

Pirate Pete has spent the day sharpening his swords and priming muskets in order to attack the Spanish fleet as he says there is lots of gold on Spanish galleons but we all thing he has got the wrong idea of a Tapas evening. He will be fine once he is full of rum and telling tales of old sea dogs and monsters. I did offer to play the violin tonight but the dog said there is no need now because we have two cats we can  strangle instead and it will sound better. That’s not very nice but everyone else agrees with the dog even the cats…….. NOT FAIR. I asked Pirate Pete about Swashbuckling and he said HAR HAR HAR HAR, not really very helpful is it.  

The ghost writer, the telephone lines, the oak tree and the cat

The ghost writer has had a long yet productive day in the grey office but as is always the way with the grey office it sucks all his brain cells out and so he is just a gibbering idiot who is of no use to man nor beast. Anyway we have laid him out on the bypass, well on the grassy bit on the middle of the lanes near a lamp post and have put a few bollards round him.

I am off out to the African drumming reunion group tonight, it is a whole two weeks since we drummed and it only seems like it was 14 days ago to me. Anyway it means I am in a bit of a rush, well not a rush I don’t really do rushing much; well not at all as it happens. My day at school was one of those stereotypical days at school where everything happens as it should although being a stereotypical day I am a little concerned that I may be obliged to do the day twice but I hope not. The dog has suggested that there may two of me but I am hoping that is not going to happen either as we had trouble with multi dimensional worlds a few weeks ago or maybe it was longer than that. One of the great issues in both our worlds is it is very difficult to get time to run in a linear fashion and things have always happened ages ago when you think it was just a few days ago.

 Dad had asked the garden centre to keep him a small oak tree a while back and he went to collect it this morning. He found he had to hire a huge crane to get it home because it had grow into a huge tree and the garden centre owner said it had been in the back for years, and dad thought is was just a few weeks too. He got if home without any problems though; which was good. But Mr Jenkins said that everyone between our house and the garden centre had somehow lost all their telephone lines.  The police suspect cable thief’s stealing the cable for the copper, they even came to see dad because everyone said they had seen him moving a huge 150 foot tree with a crane on the same route but dad said he could see very little because the tree was so big but he said he might have heard them because he did hear wires going ping as he was transporting the tree. The police say it will sadly be another unsolved crime. Mum was muttering things in the background I think she might have said IDIOTS.

We seem to have another cat in the garden a black one but it is very frightened and very hungry but Heavy Harry keeps trying to beat it up. The dog said cats are like that they are  ******** ******* but mum told the dog off for swearing.