Knitted Beasts and Alien Hunters

It is wet today very wet and not really warm either so all in all it is not a nice day and not a lot is going on, much like last night where after I had returned from fighting off Banshees, Zombies and various Monsters with pointy sticks I was expecting at least one trick or treat visitor. I know it does not sound like a lot but as we live out in the sticks sort of protected by a large Zombie defence ditch and of course there was Mr Jones, alien hunter to the stars (alien . . . Stars . . . . .  HA HHAH AH HAH HAH HAhha ha ha haha hah ah ha ha) who was prowling about in a green alien suit in the woods shouting I AM YOUR FRIEND TAKE ME YOU LEADER……. Although someone in the village thought he said fiend rather than friend so started throwing turnips at anything that moved , including Guy who was dressed as a Fox (GUY FOX . . . AH HAHAHHH HAH HAH AHh ha ha hah ah ah) who then got chased by men on horses wearing rubbish Halloween costumes. 

Resulting in no visitors at all last night; last year a skeleton and his mum made it through the darkness of the night, woods, ditches, and electric fences so we did make sure we had treats to give people this year. I had even made sure they were inside little knitted beasts in order to maintain continuity with my diary, I guess this means I will have to eat them all myself  . . . . . . . AH DAMN . . . HAH HAHAH HAHh ahh ah ah hh hah hah hha ha ha ha  . . . .  I mean the treats not the knitted beasts, they will be locked away in the shed again until next year despite their little squeaks and squeals of protest  . . . . . . . .HAH HA AH HHA HHAH HAH AH HA HAH HA HAH AH HAH HA HAH HAH AH HA HAH ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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The Science of Dark Matter, Squirrels and Micro Gods

Mr Chris the Builder was back today as planned and as he worked away busily making concrete squirrels and I was back down in the mud of the deep trench, (if you are wondering Zombies really hate Squirrels, it is a well known fact). Anyway as we toiled away Mr Chris the builder said to me Rob it has been a long time since you discussed anything of ANY scientific note, its all Zombies these days and he is right so I thought SCIENCE thoughts not Zombie thoughts.

So as I was thinking and we moved some three foot paving slabs which are rather heavy beasts it occurred to me that energy and force can all be a bit odd, well some forms of them can. Lifting paving slabs is all very easy to understand; your body is a source of energy that creates a force and uses the body to lift the slab by physical contact with the slab. But if you think about the moon it goes round the Earth held in place by a force called gravity, it might sound simple enough but a force can only be exerted on a thing if there is a link. Like lightning that is energy that links to the ground, and it has substance, it is a real thing, an understandable force.  Gravity in order to be gravity has to somehow have some sort of link, and we are not talking small links with no force after all the link creates tides at sea so this is serious energy and force and plainly a huge and substantial link. So how come we cant see it, like a giant shimmering blue haze all the way to the moon, well I am glad you asked me that because I will tell you what this link is made of…… Dark Matter

Yes for ages scientists have told us that the universe is mainly made of Dark Matter but no one can find it, what they need to do is start looking at the gravitational links between everything. Links are links because they are made of stuff even if you can’t see the stuff, and the stuff has substance, if there was no link then things like the moon would just drift off and cats would float into the sky. So in short Gravity has substance and the substance of Gravity is Dark Matter, but for reasons best know to the appropriate Micro God we cant see it or do useful things with it . . . . . OK yes dad can he has a Dark Matter Motor to run the all new Mk2 Weather Machine which he hopes to switch on in just a week or two.

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Rockets, Zombies and Blow Pipes

There I was minding my own business pottering about (again), I know I have done a lot of pottering about of late but it is summer, OK it was summer it sort of vanished about the same time as dad dropped his favourite knife that he uses for loads of jobs into the atomiser expansion tank on the weather machine. He is not happy he saw this old knife (a old bread knife) as a trusty friend he has had for years and it is now deep in a tank out of reach and it appears to have ruined the weather too.

Right to get back to the point I was pottering sorting out a large crocodile for those pesky kids back at the school, I use the word pesky because it makes me sound like the baddy in that cartoon with the dog, sorry as I was saying I was sorting out a crocodile when all of a sudden I was stabbed in the back (no not dads knife) but a poisonous dart from what I perceived was most likely a blow pipe used by one of the woods Zombies frustrated by their inability to cross the now famous Zombie Defence Trench. It is the first time I have been hit by a poisonous dart from a Zombie blow pipe and after getting it out and no it was not just a splinter of wood as suggested by mum who has no experience of Zombie poisonous darts or blow pies (sorry pipes) I went on the attack by making silly faces at them, Zombies hate that. It plainly worked because The Zombies vanished as if they had never been there in the first place and I was then free to continue my day.

The Ghost Writer went off to sort a computer out that had sort of fallen onto a floor accidently while its user played some game that involve killing loads of things including Zombies I think, apparently he got a little too keen and killed his computer instead. However it was a fix the Ghost Writer could not do as the computer had been thrown into a skip, and by now is probably on its way to China or India to be stripped for parts and turned into a fruit bowl.

I on the other hand did some gorilla gardening and got two large posts to make a structure in the back patio, part of the great master plan to create a Moroccan Patio Garden in the backwaters of rural Shropshire, assuming the weather machine can do something about the weather, well lets face it dad will want his favourite knife back as its his DIY knife that does many many things like one of those Swiss Army Knifes only his has just the one long blade not twenty three and a thing to remove stones from the hoof of a horse.

If you are wondering about the picture of the rocket Mr Jones is saying “If the mountain won't come to Muhammad then Muhammad must go to the mountain”.  Oooooo that made Charles and Quentin’s (back in GCHQ) ears perk up a bit, sorry chaps its just an old saying. . . . .   

Zombie Defence Ditches and sewage . . . . . . .YUCK

Today did not start that great weather wise, but it got better as the day progressed, it was felt therefore by the dog and dad that I should work on the Zombie Defence Ditch because it is the time of year apparently when Zombies Breed (no I didn't know that either). So there I was digging away in the bottom of the ditch when I came across a pipe attached to a large concrete tank, dad in particular seemed very pleased and told me to break through the pipe with a chisel and lump hammer, which I did. Well it was a bit of a shock because the ditch started to fill rapidly with decomposing sewage, not the ideal situation when you are standing in the ditch. Dad and the dog however did say it could be much worse and that it might have been fresh raw sewage, but they were standing a long way off and wearing masks at the time.

This is the reason my diary entry is a bit late today because I was not allowed in the house for ages and then was chained into the shower for ages too, until I smelt normal. The only good thing is no Zombie is going to get past that Zombie Defence Ditch now that is a integral part of the soak away system……. YUCK

It also appears that something strange happened last night, firstly the hedgehog was about again but then suddenly vanished, I don’t know how it did that. Then this morning two fat balls put out for the birds hanging on the bird table vanished, Either the work of the hedgehog, but then it would either need to be able to climb a post or make use of tools such as pointy sticks or zip wires. Or it was aliens which is what Mr Jones says is very likely if not a dead certainty, because aliens have little knowledge of food on Earth and might see the fat balls as a gift of friendship only to come to the conclusion that humans eat rubbish.

All this drawing pictures in a rush is terrible too but not as terrible as standing in a Zombie Defence Ditch. . . . . . . . 

It is a nice evening for Bats . . . and Aliens 

   

The geography of motte and bailey and things of no importance

I was discussing my impenetrable defence trench at school today with the geography teacher as I thought he might be able to help by suggesting ways of contouring the land to improve our defence. You see there is a weakness in our location because less than one hundred yards behind the house are the remains of motte and bailey from way back in history, something that myself and the dog think might be used by intelligent zombies. Yes I realize that represents a contradiction in terms but evolution suggests that with time Zombies might learn skills. The dog has already said they might try to get parts in Zombie movies as it must be very frustrating to see all the good zombie parts played my actors who are not zombies.  He thinks that the local zombies have already started a zombie union and are building a social club in a small vista in the woods called the bony-vista  (well that’s tonight’s music sorted then HAH HAHHAH HAHAHH Hah hahaha hahahahhahaha ha).

Sorry I got distracted; I was saying about the impenetrable defence trench and the geography teacher, he says I have built my defences based on an old iron-age method which is fine as long as I am not up against Roman zombies . . . . . . . no sorry I mean roaming zombies which have a habit of walking round the end of trenches, and I need to make the impenetrable defence trench at least 23 times longer.   I think I might give up defending myself against zombies they are getting too much like hard work.  Maybe if I become an affiliated member of the union of zombies, tell the dog to stop eating the chewy ones and offer them parts in the block buster movie they might forget about trying to walk round the end of the impenetrable defence trench and look confused and defeated by a huge and very long impenetrable defence trench.

The geography said I was an IDIOT  . . . . . . . . Mmmmmmm I might tell the zombies where he lives 

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Trenches Zombies and Piranha Fish

Footprints were found the wrong side of the impenetrable defence trench this morning by the dog and after some sniffing a bit of forensic investigation and internet research, the dog concluded that they were the footprints of crunchy zombies but with a soft mint filling. The dog said he hates the taste of those ones so I will would have to work on the defences AGAIN, it all seemed like a jolly good idea at one point but this is turning into hard work now. . . . . .PHEW.

So I have been digging a new trench today that will link up with the one that is now full of water and slimy stuff and piranha fish. It is a logistical nightmare because if I break into the trench full of nasty slimy water full of piranha fish too early while I am still in it I am at risk of ending up slimy smelly and full of bites.  The dog is being awkward too and says he prefers Cod and that piranha are not great eating unless they are deboned and turned into  piranha fish curry, I know he’s a dog he eats bones but he says all those little bones are just tooooooo fiddly to mess about with (that dog is getting fussy).

So that was my day building a zombie defence trench, not exciting at all in fact rather a fairly average day in the life of an average chap living near a wood with free range zombies living in it. Well that is never going to impress that Steven Spielberg is it.

Oooo I did see some sort of weird micro-light thing in the sky toward the end of the day, although Mr Jones did say that I was an IDIOT and it was an alien scout craft looking for a suitable landing spot for the mothership. Personally I think it is far too cold to be running about in the woods in the nude chasing aliens, but it keeps Mr Jones happy. Although he has just said he nearly fell down my impenetrable defence trench last night in the dark and had to leap over it to avoid a fish leaping at his naught bits  . . . . . . . . . Mmmmmmm I think the dog’s zombie research might have gone wrong a bit.   

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