The unseen problems of things you cant see.

I guess that some of you are wondering if I (Rob Z Tobor) am still a part-time teacher of Zombie Defence Classes  and the like, in the strange cyber-academy of cyberspace.

Yes

And you are wondering if Esmeralda is still there and whether she snapped my trusty pointy stick in half in a fit of rage.

Yes

And you might even be wondering if I fixed it with some handy electrical tape that was not really doing a lot.

Yes

And now you are wondering if the fact there was an electrical short circuit in the science blog resulting in an entire blackout in school meaning that teaching science was very difficult indeed resulting in everyone being sent home early

Yes

Have you noticed just how dependent on electricity we are, it is a bit of a worry really and also rather odd, because the entire Earth has become dependent on something we can’t see. Well that is not entirely true we do get to see lightning but the problem with lightning is it not the easiest stuff to use constructively. Dads lightning powered electric car was not a great success even if it did do one of the fastest zero to sixty miles an hour ever recorded, but it would have been even more impressive if dad had been in it at the time. As dad says the problem with lightning is it unpredictable and you can’t park the lightning powered electric car in the same place twice for reasons that are plainly clear to all who know the famous old saying. And dads assistant mechanic Scotty, after investigating the engine did make the point that the engine will nay take it Captain.

I have just been outside as I saw a message in cyberspace saying the moon was like really looking really cool; only over here it is hiding behind a huge cloud, possibly created by an overheated lightning powered electric car.

We also got to see Mr M today and his son Mr S, it appears Mr M is still trapped between hospital and no place to go…. He thinks the hospital might write to him in hospital to ask when he is able to leave hospital; although he is still not allowed home so it is all a bit of a game sorting out something suitable. As for as we can tell most of the suitable places have already been taken over by little old ladies with white hair who have a habit of stopping strangers in the street and shouting at them I remember when we never had electricity and now you see it everywhere. I once tried to explain to a group of little old ladies you can’t see electricity but they hit me with umbrellas and then demanded electrical tape to fix them. 

A Cunning Master Plan and a Robot

Interestingly this evening I have noticed that a Mr Gary was saying in the wondrous world of cyberspace that what he needed was some clones to help him in his efforts to get everything done. I say interestingly because the thought had also occurred to me, because the Ghost Writer keeps making me move loads of stuff. Today he was removing cables from the ceiling void above his old office and said I was small and already a shambly dishevelled person so getting covered in Asbestos and toxic materials would not ruin my clothing. He has to wear a suit, well maybe not a suit, but they prefer him to look smart, although in my opinion he looks as dishevelled as I do.

But luckily dad had built a Robo-Rob as part of what he calls A Cunning Master Plan to replace certain people with obedient killing robots. So he said to the Ghost Writer that he could test the Robo-Rob to see if folk notice it was not me as in the real me, and that it would work faster then me anyway and not poke things with a pointy stick.

It apparently fooled everyone who all thought it was me, in fact the Ghost Writer said it was a highly successful day and I have never been so popular and that the only slight mistake was on the way home when the Robo-Rob destroyed a small car with a little old lady in who was driving very slowly in front of the Ghost Writer and then it laughed hysterically for the rest of the journey. It appears that the Robo-Rob and myself have got to have a shoot out later; only the Robo-Rob has a high powered death laser weapon and I have a pointy stick. Dad says it is a test of his micro nano technology to see if a robot or a man will win in a struggle to the death, battle of wits. It is part of dad’s cunning plan as he says it is best not to try and replace politicians until he has proved his robots work……     

President Putin, Prime Minister Cameron, and the Fathers Day shock. A G8 summit of World Leaders, Steven Spielberg, children and cardboard animals.

As you know, well you do if you are a regular reader of my diary, and I am assuming that includes most folk across the entire world. You may consider that a little unlikely but an event has occurred that has made me think I am in fact more well known that I thought. You see, (and back to the point I was going to make) the other day I posted a picture of my original painting of President Putin in my diary, then today he turns up in Britain and it can only be that he wants it back so it can hang back above his desk in the Kremlin. So you see I am followed by world leaders, in fact I have reason to believe that several of the worlds leaders plan to meet in the next couple of days to discuss my diary to negotiate parts in the movie once that nice Steven Spielberg stops haggling over the fee for the manuscript.

Mum however says I am an Idiot and I need to remember two things the first is that President Putin is here to see the Prime Minister David Cameron and the second it that it is Fathers Day . . . . . Surely David Cameron cant be his father they don’t look remotely like they are related, just look at their hair styles. Well I have to say that is something of a shock to me I am surprised it has not be mentioned to me before, but it explains a few things I have never been able to work out.

As it was Fathers Day I said I would cut the grass and hammer in post supports and do men’s work so that dad could rest, he said I was very kind, but that he was planning on sending me out to do it all anyway so it didn’t count and that he would eat all my chocolate teacakes instead. I was a bit tired after all that grass cutting and was planning on having a quiet sit down, but dad very kindly reminded me that I still had things to do on those cardboard animal shapes for all those impetuous school children I am assisting in their art project.  Strangely there is more in common between the children in the junior school running about drawing pictures in a mad rushed way and a G8 summit meeting that you might realize, they are certainly both slightly out of control that’s for sure although I suspect world leaders are rubbish at making cardboard animals even if I helped them.    

Rockets, Zombies and Blow Pipes

There I was minding my own business pottering about (again), I know I have done a lot of pottering about of late but it is summer, OK it was summer it sort of vanished about the same time as dad dropped his favourite knife that he uses for loads of jobs into the atomiser expansion tank on the weather machine. He is not happy he saw this old knife (a old bread knife) as a trusty friend he has had for years and it is now deep in a tank out of reach and it appears to have ruined the weather too.

Right to get back to the point I was pottering sorting out a large crocodile for those pesky kids back at the school, I use the word pesky because it makes me sound like the baddy in that cartoon with the dog, sorry as I was saying I was sorting out a crocodile when all of a sudden I was stabbed in the back (no not dads knife) but a poisonous dart from what I perceived was most likely a blow pipe used by one of the woods Zombies frustrated by their inability to cross the now famous Zombie Defence Trench. It is the first time I have been hit by a poisonous dart from a Zombie blow pipe and after getting it out and no it was not just a splinter of wood as suggested by mum who has no experience of Zombie poisonous darts or blow pies (sorry pipes) I went on the attack by making silly faces at them, Zombies hate that. It plainly worked because The Zombies vanished as if they had never been there in the first place and I was then free to continue my day.

The Ghost Writer went off to sort a computer out that had sort of fallen onto a floor accidently while its user played some game that involve killing loads of things including Zombies I think, apparently he got a little too keen and killed his computer instead. However it was a fix the Ghost Writer could not do as the computer had been thrown into a skip, and by now is probably on its way to China or India to be stripped for parts and turned into a fruit bowl.

I on the other hand did some gorilla gardening and got two large posts to make a structure in the back patio, part of the great master plan to create a Moroccan Patio Garden in the backwaters of rural Shropshire, assuming the weather machine can do something about the weather, well lets face it dad will want his favourite knife back as its his DIY knife that does many many things like one of those Swiss Army Knifes only his has just the one long blade not twenty three and a thing to remove stones from the hoof of a horse.

If you are wondering about the picture of the rocket Mr Jones is saying “If the mountain won't come to Muhammad then Muhammad must go to the mountain”.  Oooooo that made Charles and Quentin’s (back in GCHQ) ears perk up a bit, sorry chaps its just an old saying. . . . .   

The Grim Reaper, Goats, The End of the World, The supermarket and the Chinese takeaway

There is one thing that I think we can be sure of in this part of the world for sure, and that is what ever happens with the End of the World it will not involve fire and brimstone because even an entire coach load of boy scouts with their fire making badges could not set fire to anything at present. Not even an object that has Highly Inflammable Keep away from Boy Scouts with Badgers (sorry Badges) and Matches written in huge red letter on the side.

Mum and dad said they wanted to pop to the supermarket for a few items today which at face value seemed like madness, but surprisingly worked out OK. They think there were a couple of reasons for this, firstly sheer good luck; that always helps a lot and although in general terms we are not the luckiest of people every now and again something small will go our way. Then making sure they were wearing the appropriate clothing made a huge difference, Bearing in mind the main topic of discussion this week (the 21^st December and the End of the World) they both dressed up as The Grim Reaper.

Yes I think as lots of people are starting to get twitchy about the increased possibility that based on the law of probabilities sooner or later some mad loony will finally predict Armageddon on the right date. So as you might expect of an already nervous crowd in a crowded supermarket seeing The Grim Reaper smiling back at you as you attempt to push your trolley into the frozen food aisles (party nibbles section) it can be a little off putting and lead to a smallish stampede. Add to that the sight of another Grim Reaper (dad) throwing cheese slices at little old ladies with a parrot on his shoulder disguised as a gull, and a small stampede quickly becomes a mass riot as the masses flee from the store clutching frozen turkeys and Christmas crackers (not the ones you put cheese slices on). As dad said when he arrived home he might go shopping as the Grim Reader more often, possibly the January sales if we have not all been destroyed by aliens.

The one good thing that came out of this event was that the school goats last trip on his Steam Powered Catapult before Christmas was today, and his arrival through the skylight was timed to perfection and he was able to graze happily on fresh Brussel Sprouts for ages. I think goats are one of the few animals that eat Brussel Sprouts so he was very happy, however Brussel Sprouts can give goat’s bad wind and a goat with bad wind is bad, so I don’t think any self respecting alien will go near him tomorrow.

We are having a Chinese as our evening meal tonight from the Chinese take away and although not as Chinese as say Captain Nessman’s Chinese Christmas dinner it is still WELL YUM and a fitting way to end the last day before the arrival of Intergalactic Cheese Slices, Space Gulls and Aliens. 

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The Short way to growing grapes and monsters of the deep

  The Ghost Writer was here this afternoon wearing some shorts, not particularly short shorts but sort of knee length things. This may not seem like news but the Ghost Writer never wears shorts in public, because he says people laugh at him, anyway once me and the dog had stopped laughing we said that he might be imagining the whole thing. Let’s face it; it is not the Ghost Writers fault he got his legs all chewed up by a monster years ago when he was younger and use to go looking for monsters in the depths of the sea with a camera. Although he had not really thought about what he would do if he found a monster, as hitting it on the head with your camera is rubbish. Particularly if it has three heads and if fifty feet long with big teeth and a scaly body with pointy bits that point.

He only wore then because he thought no one would see him here except us and he knew that we would not laugh at him (much), it is all to do with the heat. He was hoping to convince dad that he should tweak the weather machine a bit so it was a bit cooler but dad was rolling about in hysterics pointing at his (The Ghost Writers) legs.

One slightly good thing, is if the weather remains as it does, which unless we can find a synchromeshed grattle ion mixing filament array is very likely, our crop of grapes will ripen soon and we can then eat them as I am assured by the dog that one grape represents your five a day fruit and veg quota. Particularly if you cut the grape into five bits, one tip on doing this do not use a blunt knife or a hammer to cut your grape up or try to draw dotted lines on it with a permanent marker pen. And never try and prove to the dog that you can get 73 grapes in your mouth at the same time.

Did you notice I cleverly avoided mentioning the Olympics tonight….. ……. …… ……. …… …… DAMN

Just before I go I have just read a email from Auntie Karen and I do not have the hands of an aging hippy Auntie Karen, and I have always called the wireless the wireless rather than a radio, although I will admit that at school I get funny looks when I say I have been playing Miss Janis Joplin LP’s on the radiogram and they are way out man.

Finally I must thank Mr Charlie for the two free packets of SUGRU I will use it wisely…….

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Finally I must make all of the members of the Radical Abstract Thinkers or RATs aware that they should all award themselves The Official International Bloggers Diploma of Blogging....... Along with anyone else that would like one. If you would like to award this distinctive and slightly out of focus International Diploma to your friends or the cat please do. I leave this to your discretion but use it wisely. These things don't grow on trees you know.   

The opening ceremony of the 2012 Olympics, Daleks and a jammed synchromeshed grattle ion mixing filament array.

According to the dog if the synchromeshed grattle ion mixing filament array jams on dads weather machine, dad’s weather machine has a habit of getting a bit out of control and things can apparently turn a little extreme with the weather. The reason I am mentioning this today is because dad was working away in his workshop first thing this morning when we heard him shout out to himself, the stupid ***** ***** ************ ***** ****** SYNCHROMESHED GRATTLE ion mixing filament array is Jammed again. He then went on to complain about the quality of dodgy imported steel parts and even dodgy non imported steel parts. Telling us that in the good old days of steel making when he was allowed to send children up the chimney to clean it; and Porky (so called because of the Pig Boiling) the famous Bessemer Furnace fired up by Henry Bessemer himself in 1854 was still going strong one hundred plus years later before it was mothballed because of the moths?

At least my hand is normal today, well almost normal, the dog says normal is all relative and so my hand is as normal as my hand gets. I told the dog not to call all my relatives normal as there is nothing normal about my relatives? …… …….. ….. Hummmm I think…………

I am now slightly irritated by the Olympics (already), as we can not switch on the wireless or pick up a newspaper without the media getting very very excited (unusually excited) about the Olympics.

It appears that they are still trying to keep the opening ceremony of the Olympics under wraps at present so I think it is important that I do not mention the 10,000 nude Morris dancers again or Cliff Richard or Eddy the Eagle or the massed masses of irritating smilling school children massed to make it look like there are masses of people massed in a mass (not the church type mass). Esmeralda will no longer be part of this even since she can only roll about at present, she could be one of the Daleks in the opening ceremony, although they are still very much a secret…… ……. …….DAMN sorry Mr Danny. Or was it the closing ceremony where they will exterminate the Olympic flame …… exterminate …… exterminate……. exterminate..  ………. HAHAHAHAH hah ha hahah hahhahah hahah ah haha ahHAH HAH HA

Sorry that’s it, the heat has frazzled my brain I think I need to help find a synchromeshed grattle ion mixing filament array before my diary is…….. EXTERMINATED.

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The great tradition of British Inventors in the technological development of wheelbarrows

The summer Holiday officially started today so Mmmmmmmm Loads to do? Why is it you think you have loads to do; you will be really really busy this summer holiday and have no spare time to do the dull things then after a short time you think……. AH what will I do? I will admit I usually last longer than three hours though before this happens but I blame the weather, not that the weather is bad, in fact it has been rather nice today but I am mentally adjusted now to dull and wet…..

As it happened Mr Charlie and Miss Jane came to see us for lunch so that was cool, lunch even lasted until early evening so we had a six hour lunchtime which is very cool. Mr Charlie is a great inventor of inventions, not those boring mass production useful inventions but inventions that are interesting and quirky in the true tradition of mad British inventors, like dad so they get on very well.

He (Mr Charlie) is in the process on making a special self propelled, gyroscopically balanced auto-tipping wheelbarrow using parts from a BSA Bantam, 15 bicycles, a U2 spy plane and a wheelbarrow. It will enable Miss Jane to shift huge amounts of stuff in their garden and put it into a precise location, accurate to within a millimetre of any latitude, longitude co-ordinate on Earth. So they will have the most accurate wheelbarrow on the planet. If it all goes to plan he thinks demand for this will be enormous because at present most gardeners just dump things at the bottom of the garden without a thought about coordinates which is just sloppy gardening. Miss Jane says she does not want a high tech wheelbarrow just one where the wheel does not fall off or go flat. Both Miss Jane and Mum have said IDIOT but they don’t understand the great advances in the technological development of wheelbarrows that Mr Charlie’s invention will bring to the world.

I bet when George Stevenson first invented the train and laid the track down his garden to the potting shed so Mrs Stevenson did not have to walk so far; Mrs Stevenson probably said “I just wanted so crazy paving dear not that monstrosity”.  But look where it led we can now wait on long concrete platforms in the cool and wet for hours before squeezing into an overcrowded train at a huge cost to ourselves to arrive somewhere late and miss an appointment.

You see without great minds like dad or Mr Charlie we would all still spend all day laying about chilled drinking beer outside a cave waiting for dinner to walk past, then sleep it off and do the same tomorrow. No work to do or tax to pay.

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The GUILD of GROTESQUES and GARGOYLES. (Part two)

These A to Z people are a bunch of wimps, days off indeed. Now some of you may want to know what happened today at the great battle between the 200 foot (high not legs) Godzilla  and the grey gouache giant garden gnomes with attached gleaming 18mm Gatling Guns ………… Well AH it was sort of a disaster. Yes there is no denying that it was a crowd puller but the Gatling guns were very ineffective against the rubber Godzilla, I don’t know why; those shells were like hot knifes through butter. 

Anyway dad had not thought about where the shells would go once they pass through Godzilla himself so they sort of destroyed a few vehicles and buildings and the like causing a certain amount of panic.

Then someone in the pub (The Golden Goose) phoned the police who at first were very unhelpful. After all if you phone the police from a pub and say a 200foot Godzilla is fighting on the village green with a group of giant garden gnomes it is likely they may not believe you. But in the end they did send the community policeman round who was promptly eaten by Godzilla. He hates authority and uniforms; I think it all has to do with his past. Anyway the next thing was a police marksman team turned up, and Godzilla and the Godzilla is Great Appreciation Society got in a huff and left.

The police have now arrested the giant garden gnomes for disturbing the peace, but are uncertain if  garden gnomes can be prosecuted under British law and are presently waiting for a directive from the very top before formally charging them, but it appears the Gnome Office are yet to respond…………………. HAH HAHAHH Hah hah ahh hahah ah ahaha hah hah hahah hah aha hahahah ah hah hah hah hahah h hahah hah     

And sadly garden gnomes have been banned from the village green and dad has been banned from The guild of grotesques and gargoyles.

Mum has added Idiot.........  I am not sure if that’s dad, the police or the garden gnomes

Gnome Gnome on the Range

The Ecological Elliptical Earth Engine and the Evils of money

Esmeralda (a long standing character of my diary), has much empathy with E (the letter not the tablet) and is enjoying Easter with Easter eggs and Entertaining Everyone by Exploring Eels and Echinoderm (Starfish). She entirely blames them for her Eczema and the rather embittered and emotional employment of explosives to END her embarrassment is encouraged by Mr Evans of Evans Emporium where she purchases the explosives and eels. I feel he encourages her for his own Evil ends i.e. money (the route of all Evil)  

Dad, a new age Environmentalist and expert Engineer has built England’s first Ecological Elliptical Earth Engine, which runs entirely on Elderberries. Using Electrolysis and Electronics to produce an electromotive force from the Elaborate elliptical orbit of Elderberry Electrons in an erroneous effervescent electrolyte.  I feel some of you may need to consult an Encyclopaedia to entirely understand everything although I know Mr ESB (A member of R.A.T.S) will be very enamoured by this enormous epoch, encouraging him to continue his own experiments with his Chicken Sandwiches.

The  Elite of the European Elliptical Earth Engine Club say it is an exemplary example of an Elliptical Earth Engine and having examined it say its execution and extraction of Energy from Elderberries is an evolutionary event in the elliptical engines evolution (note the clever use of the same word twice HAH HAHHAH HAHh hahhahh ).

Because of dads enterprising efforts, the European Elliptical Earth Engine Club have awarded dad a posh certificate but dad said “A B*******  posh certificate I was hoping for loads of money” and has exploded the  Ecological Elliptical Earth Engine……. adding EASY come EASY go.

Money you see, is the route of all evil; but great for explosions. Mum says Dad is an Egghead but also an IDIOT

Hopefully the Explosive End of the Earth Engine and dads Experimenting will see the Weather return to normal

ELVIS is still the KING ...... Listen or Else...........

Aprils Anticipated Arrival of a (alphabet Associated), ACME ATOMIC ANT ANTHROPOMORPHIC ARMAGEDDON ANDROID

An Automated Aluminium and Antimony Articulated Armour plated Albino Araneomorphae (spider sort of thing) Android eating auntie’s armchair during breakfast was altogether avant-garde. Dad assembled it from an ACME Atomic Ant Anthropomorphic Armageddon Android self Assembly kit and modified it a bit to improve the Aesthetics.  Being Anthropomorphic it had eaten Coco pops and cream first plus Toast and Anchovies, although mum was annoyed that it ate the plates too, but is saves on washing up. And it read the newspaper, showing some interest in stories on the Abyssinian Airforce, Aphids in the Alps AND ALIENs.     

Dad thinks its eaten an Antelope, aardvark and an Armadillo also….. Well AWESOME, APPARENTLY it uses Analogue Logic and ASCII to analyse the atmosphere and it’s surroundings.

Me and the dog took Arnold as we have called it (him?) for a walk but it ran amok and ate the Antique dealer and his Airedale; the dog and I never liked the Airedale it was always a bit Aloof. But we think Arnold is an Anarchist.

At home later mum was reading the instruction manual for the ACME Atomic Ant Anthropomorphic Armageddon Android self Assembly kit and it didn’t say   Anthropomorphic it said Anthropophagous, so sort of likes human flesh and Apple pie (a bit). The Dog has gone “PHEW not dog then”, but mum has insisted Arnold the Android Anarchist is locked in the Attic until we find a large enough Aquarium to keep him in. Mum has also told dad that he should take up Alchemy next time we get involved in the letter A. 

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XANTHOCHROISM and an X (rayed) Parrot

Dad was xperimenting with Xanthic acid, Xylostein and Xanthoxylene to make X ray Specs while mum was doing Xylopyrography. The dog however kept saying this X letter is a Bxxxxxxxxx Fxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxxx Nuisance……. You will have to Xcuse the use of the X but it is for the best (No it really is today).  Dad has been using Captain Flint the Parrot as a  guinea pig, and has told Us This is an X(rayed) Parrot, and both him and the dog are rolling about in Hysterixxx’s (yes yes but we need all the X’s we can get).

He will be telling us it has Xpired, become xstinct and so on in a bit

I decided to be a Xylotomist today and practice the noble art of Xylotomy. In order to work out the exact age of the big oak tree with the big X on it. According to Captain Flint the Parrot the Big X marks the spot of buried treasure, but then Captain Flint the Parrot would say that. The vet says Captain Flint the Parrot is suffering from a bit of Xanthochroism but Captain Flint said  Stupid XXXXXXXX VET, that’s Just what you might X Pecked from a Vet ………… X Pecked HAH HAHHAHh hah hah haha hah ahah haha hah haha hah hhah ha Pieces of Eight.

Well at least no one mentioned the X men and the Xylophonist ……………………….. AH I just did XXXXXX

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Lemmy, Motorhead, Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy and the Grimble Spin

It has been a day of as dad would put it “a bit of this a bit of that, let the Seagull nibble the fish tail, twist the Grimble Spin in the apple pie and glue the lip on the tea caddy”.  Mum often replies to dad’s quirky sayings  with IDIOT, so does the dog and so does the manager at the Supermarket.

Mum and dad went there today (the Supermarket) and dad said to the manager “you have been Balancing the can on the pot noodle, it will all end in tiers. You’ll find your two for the price of one will spoil the cook and a kettle watched will never sell. Dad said the manager was not paying attention because he thought Lemmy from Motorhead was running off with frozen legs of lamb (again). Silly manager he should know by now that it’s the dog and we all know the old saying “Never the twix turn dog and frozen legs of lamb if nay be bitten on own leg” so the manager apparently is limping a bit now.  Still the dog is enjoying eating the frozen legs of lamb.

Anyway when I got back from school I found a post it note from Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy in the kitchen. It was in code so I am not entirely sure what it meant but she said “there is a Wasp sitting in the room upstairs Watch out” and the note also said on it “Harry is staring at the wall up top”, well we all know what that means.

Anyway that’s your lot for tonight as the Angel of the Norse will not make herself and the dag said “time marches on an empty stomach”.  Although mum says Just get on with it Rob and don’t be an IDIOT. That hardly has the same poetic quirky and slightly confused image does it, not like “the feather on the wind flies further than the stone in the river although the stone may travel further given time”. And you can’t argue with that.   

The Llandudno Goldwing Light Parade.The Big Bright Blue Pickup, and the Angel of the Norse

Dad was in a strop for a while this morning when he found out he had missed the Llandudno Goldwing light parade. Mr John from the Ashram had been there and it was really cool so he said. So Dad was sulking until a big bright blue cool looking Ford pickup arrived at the hardware shop to distract him. Then he found a pile of stuff to get rid of so vanished off to the recycling in Welshpool and even returned without more (but different) rubbish.

the Llandudno Goldwing light parade

The Big Bright Blue Pickup

Mum informs (that’s not an Apple mac device by the way) me this is a man thing again, you send them to a skip to dispose of rubbish and stuff and they return with the stuff and rubbish that other men have put in the skip. Funny enough that seems quite logical to me I don’t really see the problem with that, although mum said IDIOT, and thinks I am well on the slippery road and it already too late to save me ………. WELL COOL dad will be pleased. The ghost writer who is here again says he does not see the problem either but mum has thrown the Armadillo toaster at him so he is considering changing hid mind. Particularly as his present one is now dented.

Esmeralda arrived in school wearing a Polar Bear coat saying it has got very cold so she was not going to freeze at school. That is a good point the school heating comes on the same date every year irrespective of the outside temperature and goes off in the spring on the same date every year too. So there is another week to go yet so the school is cold. Esmeralda is scary enough but her Polar Bear coat still has a snarling Polar Bear head and huge pointy claws. The result of which was several pupils and a teacher screaming and hiding in the cellar for three hours and the school cat is stuck up the flag pole waiting on the fire brigade to  rescue it (I told you the cat would be alright …. Sort of).

I am now working on the Christmas window for Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. As you know (OR YOU SHOULD DO) I am making a Christmas Angel with a Viking helmet and horns and she will be called “The Angel of the Norse” which must be finished by the first Friday in November for the Christmas Preview which is generally very busy indeed.  

Oooooo by the way fish pie for tea tonight YUM, the dog says YUM too and Sooty the Cat and Heavy Harry the Cat.  

DIY and the huge Rubiks cube and a man from the RAC

Well an interesting day again very warm indeed I think summer is confused and has turned up at the wrong time. Dad started the day working on the new office again and moving all the electrics etc so Chris the Builder can start work tomorrow, well it was going to be tomorrow but it will be Tuesday now due to technical problems.

Dad was swearing a lot but mum threw the armadillo toaster at him on the grounds it was Sunday morning and Goths don’t swear on Sundays. But some of the pressure if off a bit now due to the delay in Chris the Builder coming. Both mum and dad had to go to Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop in the afternoon to help and do things, even the ghost writer was there. But he was having a bit a problem with that silly bubble car thing of his and had to call the RAC man to come and save him. He told us the RAC man said he was driving his car wrong and he has to drive it a bit more like a boy racer; he said if he did it would do more miles to the gallon. The ghost writer doesn’t want to drive like a boy race and thinks NOT FAIR.

Mum then had a man come into Mr Beelzebub’s shop who said he was a vegetarian by proxy and that he eats only animals that eat grass. I don’t think mum approves of that she’s vegetarian and she said you can’t be a vegetarian by proxy but the man said he thought it was a very logical idea.

Me and Pirate Pete we being useful today by dismantling the old office but dad builds things in a strange way so it is like dismantling a huge Rubiks cube only Pirate Pete doesn’t know what a Rubiks cube is and I have never been able to do one. The only thing in our favour is we were on the inside to do it, Pirate Pete was using his cutlass but I was using a screwdriver, Pirate Pete thought using a screwdriver was very silly because a cutlass if much faster. He was right but I had to keep ducking a lot, he is very enthusiastic with a cutlass.

I’m not sure all this DIY is good for my book I think we need more excitement but as you will all know diaries rely on real life even mine so we do need to send the ghost writer off abseiling and fighting lions with bear hands. The Ghost writer is saying NOT FAIR again now.