A Vampire's Head, an Angle Grinder, A Five Pound Note and a Sheep

Yesterday I mentioned the mysterious arrival of the Stone Vampires head that was not there one minute and then an hour later when we arrived home there it was, sat on the patio. . . . . . . . Well Freaky stuff for sure. However today to add to the strange ambience of strangeness as if by magic what should turn up on the same patio on the little table as if it had been there for weeks, but an angle grinder. Now that really is weird, one day a stone Vampire head the next an angle grinder.

To add to the strangeness of this situation only the other day I mentioned to Mr Charlie I needed an angle grinder to remove the spare wheel on our car which is jammed in place. I will be able to let him know that I don't need it now as one has just turned up out of thin air.

And as final prove that many strange things are happening I found a five pound note in my pocket today, how awesome is that. . . . .

And my attempt at drawing a vampire today turned into a sort of lamb sheep sort of thing. It is these subliminal messages that allow us to work out the great deep routed messages of life and so all I need to do now is work out a message that involves a Vampire's Head, an Angle Grinder, A Five Pound Note and a Sheep . . . . . . . . . Well that should be easy?

AH DAMN  

The paperless society and bi-planes

Tonight may or may not be a two part adventure because in a short time I am off to a preview at an art gallery and then heading onwards to have an Indian meal at the Indian restaurant in Monty. So time is of the essence, I am not sure what that means and if I had more time I might even look it up but I don’t so . . . . . .  Back to the point.

For reasons I do not understand me and my class were told we are going to use a fancy all new online database that will make our school paperless, I see the demise of the paper plane which would be terrible, it’s a tradition handed down through generations of bored and distracted children. What will become of the traditional Wright’s double fold bi-plane using two sheets of A4 quality 80gm paper, these skills are not written down (excuse the pun) but need to be shown to the new first years at the start of the academic year. Without paper the skill of this paper plane as it glides across the class room to your mate with the answer to question six in the maths exam will be lost within a single generation. We need traditions like this to continue or the world is doomed and becomes a sadder place.

AH DAMN that is not entirely what I was planning to write about and time has sort of run out so I better go…….. I reckon I might have five minutes to draw a picture so if it looks a bit Rolf Harris can you tell what it is yet . . . . . .its a time thing.    

The Comet Store did good

The Start of the day was a bit of a shock to the system as we all had to be up bright and early (before 7.00am . . . . .O my god)  because the Washing Machine and Tumble Drier were due from very very early in the morning to very very later at night. Rather a large window of time, and as the small print says if no one is in then they will not return ever, even if you plead and say nice things. It was also grey with cold wet drizzle falling so looked horrible like the darkest moments of winter.

As the day progressed it became very sunny and the birds sang and all was well and things were looking like it would be OK, but then it got grey and started to get darker and no sign of a washing machine or tumble drier. It was not looking good; my bet with the dog was at risk, the dog was feeling very positive indeed, so I phoned Comet again to see what was happening and to my surprise a man answered and was rather upbeat about it all and said I would win my bet, maybe, sort of . . . . . . . AH ……

Then about half past three a man on a mobile phone rang and said ……. “hel……0 this is………..t we ar……………15……….e ……….but……… so………………. It………bad………ine”

Then they arrived with a washing machine and a tumble drier and were friendly and chirpy, did their bit and then ran away again as they still had another three washing machines to fit before dark, bearing in mind it was already getting dark. They say Comet is trying to do its best to supply everything although there will be no home delivery service in a few days so they could well be made redundant very soon, so being as chirpy as they were was a surprise really.

Anyway the key issue in all this is that I have won my bet with the dog and he owed me loads of money, well he did until we did double or nothing on a game of Paper, Scissors, Stone . . . . . . . . AH that was a bit of an error. So I now owe the dog 500 large bones and a jar of peanut butter. And to make matters worse all my clothes are going to be put in the washing machine to make them smell nice apparently. . . . . . . .. YUCK.

Still on the positive side I now have somewhere to hide when the End of the Earth arrives next year when the other Comet hits the planet. 

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Paper Plastic Metal Stone Scissors Rock and an electric hedge trimmer

Because dad built a steam powered hedge trimmer it was decided today it might be best to get an electric one, particularly as we are now generating our own electricity with solar panels. And trying to cut a hedge with a monster machine with stream and flames and smoke blasting out of it in all directions is not easy. And the noise scares the cows who then stampede through the hedge rather defeating the point of trimming it. So after a game of Stone Scissors Rock. Or was it Paper Plastic Metal the new trendy recycling version I found myself trimming the hedge with the new electric hedge trimmer which did not scare the cows a bit….

I have either one or two days left until I return to school, WHAT….. How did that happen. And as some of you know that is also the end of this book ‘The Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor Year Two so I will need to give some serious thought as to what to call Year three’s diary…..

Ooooo I saw another spider today in a Christmas tree and I saw Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy in a car and Miss Vicky the Proof Reader on our veranda……      

I should write more but well it is late-ish and I think I need a sit down and a chill. No complaints please because I do this everyday and it is not easy……. Ooooo if you are watching the block buster movie I would consider working your way towards the exit before the mad rush because Mr Bond stops the clock on the bomb with three seconds to go and we all go home……….. AH I don’t think I was meant to tell you that……

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The jet wash, the International Space Station, electrical tape, Converse trainers and a big spider.

You would think that after all this time I would have learnt not to play Scissors Paper Stone, but the dog said I could only be excused from the game of Scissors Paper Stone if I won a game of Paper Scissors Stone. Unfortunately I did not win so had to play a game of Paper Scissors Stone because someone had to jet wash the drive to clear all the moss at the side of the house.

So after losing I was sent out with the jet wash; it is getting on a bit and held together with plastic electrical tape, well some of the key high pressure joints are. It is amazing stuff that plastic electrical tape we use it for all sorts of stuff from electrical repairs to plumbing to sealing windows on the International Space Station. Dad did that on an emergency call out, although I think he sort of glossed over just how he repaired the windows. His little cash in hand business Space Station Maintenance and Repairs LTD “No job too small” does not get much work, but his emergency call out fee makes it all worth while; particularly if it’s on the weekend.  I just hope they don’t try and open the window.

Anyway back to the point in hand, or should I say the jet wash in hand. It took ages to do it but it is the first time the side of the house has been moss free since we have been here, and with the conifer no longer shading the area it should remain free of moss and those alien critters as well, as this was the spot where the huge pile of conifer was located. It appears I have done a really great job and mum and dad have said that I did such a good job that I can do it again next time……………… AH.

Converse Trainers do not get old they just fade away

My good old Converse All Star trainers are not good in water these days and are showing signs of wear and tear, but as I think I have said previously this is the point they are at there most comfy……. Well they would be if they were not a bit on the damp side.

Well that’s about it for today, although luckily I have managed to mention aliens, the International Space Station and Zombies sucking the brains our of astronauts…….OK I have no mentioned  Zombies sucking the brains our of astronauts, although by a stroke of luck I have now; twice………….PHEW.

My diary is always more popular with aliens and zombies in it, rather than jet washers and electrical tape…….

Ooooooo saw a big spider tonight too, he is in the greenhouse, thought the pic turned out rather well if I say so myself..............  WELL COOL

A Very Cool bit of Music

the Great Green Grass Ghost God and the first Swallow of 2012

It is Saturday and it has been very sunny indeed as predicted by the weatherman on the wireless, yes he finally got it right.  After our usual game of Paper Scissors Stone I had to cut some of the grass, there is just too much grass to cut in one go. Only the damn fickle lawn mover with instructions in twenty five languages that are to put it bluntly rubbish. Oh yes put the throttle control in the fast position is fine but then there is no picture or no indicator on the throttle control to say fast position….. OK the point is it was ******** to start as I sort of flooded it to which mum said IDIOT.

Once it was going I discovered the grass was just a bit too wet still, and just a bit too long, so I had to use the strimmer anyway, so all that hard work fighting with the controls to get it going was to no avail.  

Dad said he was glad I got lumbered with the beast (the lawn mover) because it is well fickle and he hates all those strange instructions, it reminds him of IKEA.  The dog said he knew what the problem was and that the only way to cut grass without having any problems is too appease Gordon the Great Green Grass Ghost God with greetings and a gift. So we headed out into the woods to a small clearing with a gift, the first swallow of summer; I think it was a Swallow it was hard to tell after the dog had roasted it in a pie with its little beak poking out of the top of the crust. We actually saw three swallows today well possibly swallows (maybe they were house martins), anyway the dog added them all to the pie to make sure that   Gordon the Great Green Grass Ghost God would be suitably impressed by our gastronomic gift which he swallowed (the swallow pie) in one go. He then said “From now one all you grass will grow long and strong and fast”, hang on that is not what we want, all that means is that the grass will need even more cutting. But before I could complain at the dog about things he had scurried back home to play croquet and bury bones.

OK that’s it time to go; to summarize (the short but dull version), it was sunny and I cut some grass 

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My Entire A to M so Far (Abridged).... so Time for a Party

Yesterday I managed to Mention M as you might have guessed..... I am Magnificent at this MAD game as many bloggers might have discovered, I am also MOSTLY Modest but not when mentioning M. Anyway I am meandering away from the main thread of my mission, My Manuscript (Diary).

As everyone knows who reads my blog (or reads the book or watches the block buster movie)  the MYSTERIOUS MURDEROUS MUMBLING MUMMIFIED MUTANT MONSTERS of MESOPOTAMIA made it to a party last night with their friends The marauding mean megalomaniacal Mankind Mutilating Marionettes of Moldova but The Marionettes of Moldova said there were strings attached. The party you see was at the now infamous illicit ISOBAR and they had all got their invites from a pretty young girl, which gave them, free entry and a free drink.

They thought hang on we have heard of the ISOBAR what is it we are meant to say……AH yes  “I’m an INTERGALACTIC INVADER from IO (one of the moons of Jupiter), and my IGUANA has INSOMNIA”. So they did but she said “In that case you Might get two free drinks” so they went.

Much to their amazement also there were; The LEMMINGS of Petrograd and a Llama, The legendary JURASSIC JIGANTICIUS JOLLISCARYIUS, The KING of the KELPIES, the Ghost of HARRY HOUDINI, The GUILD of GROTESQUES AND GARGOYLES and Godzilla,  the FIERY FIGHTING FISHERMEN of FISHGUARD, The  ELITE of the EUROPEAN ELLIPTICAL EARTH ENGINE Club,  The DEMENTED DEADLY DORMICE of DOOM,  A CARNIVOROUS CAVE CRAB of CAMBODIA, and a AUTOMATED ALUMINIUM AND ANTIMONY ARTICULATED ARMOUR plated ALBINO ARANEOMORPHAE (SPIDER SORT OF THING) ANDROID.

They were all out of their heads (well everyone except the HEADLESS HORSEMAN) on Billberry bush MOONSHINE and some sort of monsterious mixed up Alphabet Cocktail….. Then this MORNING when they woke up it appears they had blown all their cash and a pretty young girl appears to have compromising photos of MOST of them playing Leap frog in the lavatory.

 OK bloggers in all that rushing to write that I cant remember if I used twelve letters or all  thirteen letters, so what you have to ask yourself is are you feeling Lucky SO ……….DO you feel Lucky bloggers.

If anyone thinks I am going to do this again when we get to Z you are MAD …………HA HAH HAH AHHAH HAH HAH HAHAHH Hah hah hahaha hahh a  a ……………HA HAHH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH AH H HA

HA HA HA HAH AH hah hahhaha hah hah ha hahah ha ha

AH MUM said IDIOT

Time off HA .......... I laugh in the face of adversity 

Fox News .... Professor Abraham van Helsing revels all in The Sun on Sunday. Meanwhile another branch of Shrubs is axed

After another game of paper scissors stone I found myself pruning two rather large shrubs near the top of our garden, close to the drive, OK yes that makes us sound like we live in some sort of yuppy mansion. As you know we don’t, we live in classic 1970’s bungalow with over sized UPVC double glazed windows previously owned by a little old lady for something approaching thirty years. So while I pruned (not the fruit, but with a saw) everyone else was painting a room a dark mulberry colour.  

As you all know we do not entirely like the inside of our house white, so dark mulberry is much better. There is a great master plan which mum and dad have although I am not allowed to know master plans because they say I then put them in my diary, but I have explained that is the whole point of a diary.

OK yes the pruning why is it what looks like a small branch when attached to a large shrub turns out to be huge when it is falling towards you from a great height and then takes three people to shift it.  Unfortunately there was only me as the dog said it was not a bone and therefore of no interest although he did rattle out some sort of Latin name for the shrub adding Yo Ho Ho Three men in a Shrub.

On the wireless I noticed that Mr Murdoch from News International is saying he plans to have a new Sunday newspaper to replace the News of the World called The Sun on Sunday. Napoleon Beelzebub has just added oooo yes that reminds me I better do some paperwork just in CASE; I am not sure what that means.  Now you will be thinking why mention this, but I have a reason. In cyberspace one of my followers (now I sound like some sort of leader ….. I am not) a Mr Van Helsing or Batman to his friends, has told me that I wrongly accused the Fox of chewing off the leg of Elvis (that’s Spy Elvis not the one on the moon) and it was in fact the Squirrels so I think I need to contact Mr Murdoch as I think I have his first major headline for the first edition of the Sun on Sunday.

“Breaking News Fox innocent, Squirrels chewed off the leg of Elvis. Batman revels all.”

 Professor Abraham van Helsing says its a dam shame, that News International has had the life blood sucked out of it. Luckily I sold my stake in the company some time ago and bought commodities in particular silver bullets, things are looking Grave.

Apparently Ex News International reporter Mr Vamp is available for hire HAAHAH HAHAH HAH AHHA HHAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HHAH HAhah hah hahaha haha hhah hah ha …………. …… AH ………………. …………………….. ……………………. Mum says IDIOT

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