the 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter I

A rather bizarre, slightly odd and somewhat rambling trip through an A to Z of Plans. . . . . Sort Of

I

O Dear . . .  Plan I . . . well I think I will reconfigure and say welcome to the new iPlan. Well when I say New . . .  I lie slightly because ever since those nice folk at Apple stuck an i in front of things such as the iPhone, IMac, IPad, iPod and iDer-Duck. More folk than you can shake an iStick at have stuck an i in front of words in a cunning plan to give their Plan/Product credibility which is why my own iPlan is an Inexplicably Intellectually Interesting Innovation of Immense Impeccability and a Duck free Zone . . . . . . . . Well it was Almost . . . . . . DAMN.

Pesky Ducks.

Yesterday our old house from the Outside

Today what it looked like from the Inside

You cant beat a flying beast 

Well not in a race 

Poetry for Insects

Insects are almost always rather small

But they think all humans are rather tall

So when they see us they get a bit of a fright

Which is why insects 
Will in general  

Give us 
a 
bite

The Magpie, The Wood Pigeon and the Huge Mutant Spider as predicted by Quantum Mechanics

OK you might also notice an Eyeball on the worktop 

Today has seen the arrival of a mancky and very battered Magpie in the garden, and a not quite so battered Wood Pigeon. Now I suspect they have not been fighting each other but if they have then the Magpie is rubbish at fighting, I mean wood Pigeons are not famed for fighting and Magpies are cunning birds that will cheat and use rocks.  I am not sure if either will survive and trying to help the Magpie in particular is almost impossible, Magpies don’t trust us humans for many reasons so getting close to one is a no no.  OK the don’t not go out their way to make themselves likeable but nature is a bastard.

However I have avoided stooping to the low depths that nature in the raw can plummet to by painting round a spider in the kitchen. Yes the little beast has laid its eggs not far from the hob and was going to defend them to the end even against a huge great human five millions times bigger than he/she was. I think it might be a she, a chap would abandon the kids in that situation and do a runner for sure, which as a chap would seem the logic thing to do.  So it only seemed fair for me to rise about the basic instincts of nature and paint round it and the eggs in order to give them all a fighting chance of making through the winter to a new life in the spring. I have a habit of saving wood lice and slugs and various other little critters at times so some might say I am a foolish idiot who is not prepared to face the basic facts of nature such as . . . . . Where does a bacon butty come from. . . . . .  NO NO fingers in ears and shout hum hum hum diddle ping hum a lot is my response to that one, bacon comes from the fridge in a packet and that is enough for me.

The painting has gone to plan and the kitchen is now 99.9% complete which I have worked out will mean next August will finally get it all done with the exception of a small area the size of a little spider and its eggs which by them I will have forgotten about entirely much as I did in the hallway. Something that was pointed out to me, as I carefully painting round the spider. I don’t think the spider in the hallway was the same spider although come to think of it I don’t know what happened to all the eggs once they hatched so maybe they are related. If I ever have to face a huge Mutant Spider in a Gladiatorial Roman Arena in the future I know I will be safe when I tell it of how I did not paint over his ancestors.  OK it’s a long shot but Quantum Mechanics says it could happen, so it just might.   

Eyeballs, Headaches, Halloween, Harry Potter, Andy Warhol and House Signs

Well all is quiet here and misty, very misty which tends to make it even quieter. We did not get any Halloween visitors last night but I think our long drive with no lights to guide small folk towards our front door until they are almost there is a factor.  No one likes to go to the strange folk in the last house in the village right at the edge of the woods where beasts howl and banshees scream even in the movies, so doing it for real in the real world is not really going to happen.  And I am not sure Halloween is like it used to be in the old days, it was always a bit impromptu with small gangs of small children scurrying about haphazard at one time. Then when we lived in the previous town there was a not so nice gang of older children who would scare little old ladies and demanded money.  It seems to have all got a bit more corporate and organized now or has vanished behind the hidden doors of those of whom we will not speak.  

I did finally get the new house sign attached to the post at the other end of the drive today which is good so next year at Halloween we will be the strange folk with the strange house sign who live at the edge of the haunted woods full of howling and screaming beasts. . . I’m sure that will encourage a few to risk all for a chocolate eyeball. On the bright side I do have a load of chocolate eyeballs to eat now although they are a bit sickly, but I guess eating real eyeballs in a bit sickly although not entirely in the same way.

After fitting the new House Sign I did feel rather ill as it happens and I have not eaten any eyeballs yet and was forced to take to my bed with a rather bad headache, luckily I have now recovered from this terrible ordeal but it is somewhat later and rather dark. Well that was a chunk of time of which I will never know anything about, I am not convinced losing bits of time is altogether a good idea bearing in mind the uncertainty of knowing how much we have in total to mess about in.

Well that is it I’m off now to chill and eat chocolate eyeballs or a raspberry sponge and cream, I did what I thought was a rather good picture of Harry Potter at Halloween in the style of Whats his Name. . . . Andy Warhol for the internet yesterday that I thought was OK but it vanished into the blackness faster than a small child on our drive at midnight. It is little things like this that eat away at the mind and make me ponder the futility of doing what I am doing here at times. . . . Never mind I will battle on.

Maybe its a bit  more Sargent Pepper meets Harry Potter at Halloween 

In the style Andy Warhol 

   

House Signs, Halloween and untold tales that have not been told.

Yesterday was quite busy which led to the repeat of an old poem. Today has been fairly chilled which means that really I should not repeat an old poem or post but I might just repeat one of the old Halloween stories, because that will save me loads of extra work.  Sometimes towards the end of a lazy-ish day the last thing you fancy doing it writing clever stuff or leaping about, not that I leap about while I write my blog that would be stupid on many counts. One of which is my old PC can not leap, it is too old and Knackered and another of which is I am too old and Knackered, you see I and my PC are in harmony we are as one.

One small Job I did get done today was to finally finish the new House sign, remember I did say that DIY works on an exponential time curve so that last tiny bit has taken a while. I still have a wedding present to finish and there are tiny bits of painting to do in the kitchen.

There was a village hall meeting in our kitchen last night and folk nodded approvingly and said things like Oooooooo that’s very shiny red and stuff like that so it means folk seen to like it. It is good if folk like what you have done, there is nothing worse than then going O MY GOD have you been burgled or make comments like O dear who chose that colour still it matches that decomposing mouse the cat mauled that is rotting in the corner. . . 

I now need to fix our new house sign to the big post at the end of the drive securely so I may need to phone the very friendly builder to see if he will lend me his cordless drill as my drill has a cord and the end of the drive is a long way off. That sounds dead posh but it is not, we just have a very long drive. Mmmm that might still sound a bit decadent, but the keeper of the gate is allowed to wear informal clothes these days.

Right OK I will go and find a good Halloween post to repeat now. . . What about the one where the large man eating rabbit peers through the window of a mad android scarecrow that is making soup out of kittens and . . . . NO you are right that was not entirely kitten friendly

Well what about the confused Aliens who arrive on the night of Halloween and spent a lot of time trying to communicate with small children dresses as Zombies . . . OK yes it was silly

OK the eyeball lost in the Lollipop factory . . . . . Right I sense I am not doing well

The sea monster that ate fish fingers

OK that’s it I appear to have run out of words, I may ramble a lot, have you noticed I ramble a lot. I can imagine some professional publisher going why is he rambling, this is rubbish this is not how to write. . . .well YA SUCKS BOO is my response to tha,t no wonder books have a certain sort of uniformity to them with there covers and pages full of words and page numbers that increase in a rational logical fashion one after the other.

DAMN I may have got a bit distracted, did I say I finished painting the new house sign today. . . . .   AH DAMN again I did.

House Insurance, Floods and Huge Secret Pipes Underground

When we moved to our humble little house, OK it is not that small once you get in it, in fact it is about two and a half times bigger that it appears on the outside but this is all a distraction from the point of this post. You see when we moved here about four years ago our old house insurance company said . . . . OOOOO that post code is a low risk flood area so we cant INSURE your house, but here is the name of one that will . . . . Well it was a bit of a worry, but the new company insured it OK at almost the same price provided we had a £7000 flood excess. Well I looked and scratched my head trying to work out how the house could flood which seemed rather unlikely, but we got insurance cover and all has been well until the start of this month when the insurance company wrote to us and said. . . . OOOOOOOO look we need to increase your premium a bit because you are now in a high risk flood area . . . . . What I thought . . . .  how did that happen.

Well they wanted to increase the premium by more that twice, which to my mind was madness. I mean I have never worked out exactly how a house where all the fields to one side of it are between 10 and 50 feet lower and head gently downhill for several miles and there is no high ground above us, is actually going to flood.

So I thought OK I will research this and checked the Governments Environmental Agency website flood maps and had a good chat with all the old locals, who remember the old days of biblical flooding and plagues of frogs and the like. And when I did this I discovered that rather that being a low risk flood area we are in fact a no risk flood area.  So I have been complaining to the insurance company about it a bit , but a man said . . . Oooo but the thing is your house sits on the ground and so water might seep into it from below, or there might be a huge water pipe below it that no one knows about. . . .  NO I am not joking he said that.

In fact it appears that insurance companies now fear flooding a great deal, probably due to some of the big floods that have happened in recent years in areas where there is a flood risk. Not in a small village on a hill where there is no flood risk unless most of Britain has vanished under water. So I have removed the flood insurance from our house, because it CAN NOT flood and have saved over £600 by doing it. OK if the washing machine decides to go . . . OOOOO I don’t feel well . . . BLAAaaaaiiiirrr and is sick all over the utility room it appears I am still covered. But I am not covered if the secret huge water pipe hidden under the village that no one knows about decided to burst and all the water seeps up though the floor.   Had my house not been attached to the ground then everything would have been fine. . . . I think not, I like my house attached to the ground to me that seems safer.

One small but very ironic point is the main office of the insurance company according to the Environmental Agency is in one of the highest risk areas in Britain for flooding, next to the River Thames. Although I am told they are not worried about it as they have a huge secret pipe leading the water away, where it will be dumped in a small unsuspecting village in the middle of nowhere.

I also went to IKEA today but that is another story.

Link to Environmental Agency Flood Map       

One Shade of Grey and a House Sign

Today saw the arrival of two things one of which is exciting and the other not exciting, both are heavier than one might expect and both involve the colour grey . Not that grey is an exciting colour or even a colour in the way that folk tend to think of colour, in fact I not sure if it even counts in scientific terms as colour or not. Although to be fair none of this actually matters anyway so I will get back to the point.

The first thing arrived with a courier in a white van who was friendly and chirpy and gave me a great huge heavy Catalogue from a well known store. Well we looked at it and said O MY GOD that’s heavy and big and why us, why have they sent us this big huge catalogue that no one wanted. So we looked through it as you do, as us humans are as curious as cats and just need to have a little look inside to see if it has an exciting treat within.  In this case it did not, firstly 90% of it was women’s clothing designed for 20 year old anorexics; why do they always do that, surely in this day and age fashion stores should have learnt that folk are generally normal sized. And I am not convinced that filling this catalogues with 20 year olds is actually aiming at their target market. To make matters worse it appears the hip colour for this Autumn is a sort of grey hint of greyness with some added grey.

Well I guess you can tell this was not the exciting thing of the two things that arrived. No that was our new house sign which has been made by the Son in Law of the Ghost Writer who is as grumpy as ever but has his uses at times( that’s the Ghost Writer by the way). Made, based on my drawing but tweaked a bit to deal with the fact my design got a bit carried away. He said A fully operation steam powered house sigh with light up letters and a steam organ that played The ace of spades was slightly more than he was prepared to make. But it looks very cool and it is now my job to paint it and get it attached to the post at the end of the drive.  Replacing the present one which no one can see easily and which is, to put it bluntly not so good these days, but it has probably been there for thirty years at least. Actually no one can read it any longer so unless folk know where we live they can’t find us. . . . mmmmmmm I think that sort of might be true for everyone, but I hope you might know what I mean.

And we have just had Bangers and Mash for tea. . . Well Cool. 

House Signs and Vampire Crows

At present our house sign is a battered old bit of wood that has split and rotted over time to the point where no one can read it and so no one can find us. It is rather good that no one can find us because I am a grumpy unsociable chap who shouts at folk turning up and I threaten to set the Penguin on them. They tend to think I'm a bit mad then and run off. Unfortunately I am the only unsociable grumpy chap in the house and I have been asked to design a new house sign that means folk can find us.

My first ideas were rejected before I even got them onto paper and I was told NO ZOMBIES or MONSTERS well that’s not fair that was at least three of four ideas gone in an instant. That happened to me once before a long long time ago, I was asked to paint a huge mural on the wall in the local Youth Centre and I painted a huge scary dragon smashing its way through the end wall. It went down rather well with the teenagers in the youth group. Sadly however the hall was also used by some sort of mother and toddler group and a gang of little old ladies, neither of which approved and the poor old dragon had to be made unscary. Well that was not fair it never quite looked the same and a couple of years later the hall was entirely painted white inside and that was the end of that. Such is the life of an obscure and unknown artist in the wilds of the English Welsh borders, I lived just on the Welsh side at that time as opposed to just on the English side now.

Anyway back to the point this house sign. My first sketch done in hast late last night has not been entirely rejected yet, but I may need to do some more drawing. I was wondering how vampire crows would go down I might try and sneak one onto the next design, maybe no one will notice.

I have to say my suggestion of moving parts and letters that light up in the dark has not gone dawn well either with the chap who sort of offered to make us a new house sign. I think he may have had something slightly easier to make in mind, but then he knows what I'm like when left to do the designing.

A year in the life of a house

At 4.00pm this afternoon we had lived in this house for exactly one year, one year ago when we moved into our classic seventies bungalow it looked a bit like the sort of house that a little old lady might have been living in for over twenty years. There was good reason for that because it had been lived in for more than twenty years by a little old lady. One year later and after doing various things it no longer looks like that and slowly but surely it is starting to have the slightly quirky image we are famous for in the circles of quirkiness.

Strangely however despite all the work on the house, painting walls moving stuff about, solar panels and various other things there is still loads more to be done. I did wonder about a large medieval tower with a cantilevered stone spiral staircase and an option to pour boiling oil and tar on the masses below as they attempt to scale the also new portcullis. With its protective moat and steel spikes. I have just been informed that we will not be having a medieval tower, moat or portcullis and that this is why I will never make it as a town planner, that seems a little hard I think towns need some town planners with a bit of imagination.

After school we went off to Potters the great recycling dump at Welshpool, it has always been a place of wonder, a place where people take things that no one wants. Well when I say no one wants what I mean is loads of people want, it is very interesting to see one person put something down only to then see five people having a fight over who can get the item in their car first. Of course I was dumping a printer that had accidently fallen into a hundred pieces so no one wanted that. But to my horror the whole place was clean and tidy and stripped of everything not a single little thing left for the punters to fight over, that is terrible what kind of public recycling place has nothing for the public to pick through. If that carries on the public will stop going, after all what is the point of taking your old rubbish if there is no one else’s old rubbish you can rifle through to fill up your car to take it home to put it in the space vacated by the stuff you took in the first place. Surely that is the entire point of recycling or it would not be called recycling. I am just glad our house is full of loads of strange stuff that nobody wants . . . . . PHEW

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The Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia and the Trips of Electricity

We had an uneventful day at school today, the geography teacher was warning us of some of the possible dangers of our journey to the centre of the Earth. Interestingly I knew all about one of them because we had them in the cellar of our old house so was able to tell the geography teacher how to escape from The Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia. So I got bonus points for being smart, and have now been told I get to fight all the nasty man eating beasts during the trip as I have experience of these things . . . . . . WELL COOL I think? Mum has said IDIOT . . . . . .

Meanwhile back at home dad has been doing battle with the electrics on the house which are a bit strange because they were having one there their days when they trip the main trip loads. It appears that as the solar panels kick in to generate power then the main trip kicks out so the solar panel system then goes on stand by. You see it needs to see the national grip or it just sulks. What was weird is that if two of the light circuits were turned of it was fine, but if the solar panel system was turned off everything else was fine. How if this fault was consistent we could shake our heads and say that’s the thyristor-controlled induction matrix ooooooo that can be expensive and tut a lot, but it is not consistent and will happy all work together for another week or more before it does it again. So dad jumped up and down a lot and waved his hands about (now I know where I get that from) and threw rocks at seagulls but missed.

I have interestingly finally discovered exactly what goes bump in the night, after many years of investigation. It was all very interesting because in the end after all the hunting for the thing that goes bump in the middle of the night it just sort of bumped into me . . . . . . What a funny old world we live in.

Finally I have reason to believe the cows may not be happy about the school trip to the centre of the Earth (I told the dog not to tell them) as they have started to make a barrier to stop us entering their tunnel system, you know what cows are like with their tunnels. 

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Floods and a house in harmony with its Environment. . . J K Rowling, Harry Potter and The Casual Vacancy.

Britain is in something of a mixed situation at present because there are many who have had to abandon there homes as great volumes of water cascade down streets and taking interesting little short cuts through houses. It is not nice but luckily for us our classic seventies bungalow was build by a man who knew exactly where to put a bungalow when there has always been an outside risk of zombies (sorry flooding) not too far away. 

So we are lucky and our little house is in harmony with is environment unlike many of the recent speculative building schemes of recent years where houses have been built on flood plains or next to rivers. There is nothing quite like having your own fishing rights in the kitchen. You see mankind is no longer in harmony with nature in the same way as it used to be which brings me back to today and my sort of friend, I say sort of because Esmeralda is like a pet Puff Adder; you don’t get in its tank and play chess with it, or say whose a pretty boy then with it perched on your shoulder. I did warn George it was not a good move and he proved my point very succinctly.

So all the rain meant Esmeralda was going in circles again and so was placed back into the wheelie bin; she was far from happy and was screaming  exterminate exterminate exterminnnnaaaaaaaaaaate much like yesterday.  Trevor has learnt his lesson and did not snigger this time, not after being pummelled half to death by beetroot yesterday afternoon. And the day sort of settled down and was OK, although who ever put L plates on the wheelie bin is in for it once Esmeralda finds out who it was, apparently it was Dave but I promised I would not tell . . . . . . . . . . . AH Sorry Dave.

I was listening to the wireless this morning and that J K Rowling was talking about her new book called ‘The Casual Vacancy’ I assume about a part time B & B, anyway I took note because as we all know J K Rowling is responsible for Harry Potter who I fell out with ages ago because of all that stick waving and shouting Hystoriously Thrumpostious scaring all the banshees and most of the wildlife in the woods. Anyway Harry Potter is not in this book so HAH HAHAHH HAHHAH hahahah hah hah hah hahh ahah ah hahh hah hahha  sorry Harry only kidding . . . . . . . . . . . .HAH HA HA HAH HAH AHHAh hah hahah ahh hahah hhaha ha.

 The book we are told is for adults not children because it is full of naughty words and rude stuff (OK not sure if there is rude stuff). But surely Harry could have told Miss Rowling that most school playgrounds are full of much worse words, I have told the teachers loads of times it is not good to swear but no no they don’t listen, hiding behind the bike sheds so the headmaster cant see them before sneaking back into school to teach English and Maths again all innocent like.

Ooooo Yes, Miss Rowling also said she had not thought of another interest story line for Harry so he probably will not be in any more books, HAH HAHAHH HAH HAHha hah ah hahah ahah hahh ahha ahhhah hah ha  . . . . . . . Poor old Harry

Gosh I have written more than planned, and I missed the exciting bits too but I better go.

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The jet wash, the International Space Station, electrical tape, Converse trainers and a big spider.

You would think that after all this time I would have learnt not to play Scissors Paper Stone, but the dog said I could only be excused from the game of Scissors Paper Stone if I won a game of Paper Scissors Stone. Unfortunately I did not win so had to play a game of Paper Scissors Stone because someone had to jet wash the drive to clear all the moss at the side of the house.

So after losing I was sent out with the jet wash; it is getting on a bit and held together with plastic electrical tape, well some of the key high pressure joints are. It is amazing stuff that plastic electrical tape we use it for all sorts of stuff from electrical repairs to plumbing to sealing windows on the International Space Station. Dad did that on an emergency call out, although I think he sort of glossed over just how he repaired the windows. His little cash in hand business Space Station Maintenance and Repairs LTD “No job too small” does not get much work, but his emergency call out fee makes it all worth while; particularly if it’s on the weekend.  I just hope they don’t try and open the window.

Anyway back to the point in hand, or should I say the jet wash in hand. It took ages to do it but it is the first time the side of the house has been moss free since we have been here, and with the conifer no longer shading the area it should remain free of moss and those alien critters as well, as this was the spot where the huge pile of conifer was located. It appears I have done a really great job and mum and dad have said that I did such a good job that I can do it again next time……………… AH.

Converse Trainers do not get old they just fade away

My good old Converse All Star trainers are not good in water these days and are showing signs of wear and tear, but as I think I have said previously this is the point they are at there most comfy……. Well they would be if they were not a bit on the damp side.

Well that’s about it for today, although luckily I have managed to mention aliens, the International Space Station and Zombies sucking the brains our of astronauts…….OK I have no mentioned  Zombies sucking the brains our of astronauts, although by a stroke of luck I have now; twice………….PHEW.

My diary is always more popular with aliens and zombies in it, rather than jet washers and electrical tape…….

Ooooooo saw a big spider tonight too, he is in the greenhouse, thought the pic turned out rather well if I say so myself..............  WELL COOL

A Very Cool bit of Music

The traditional Boxing Day question ......When is a Turkey a Chicken

Boxing Day and as is traditional the Ghost Writer and his family all turn up so that seems to be loads of folk PHEW. Anyway My Hywel turned up with a really interesting boot cleaner to wipe your boots on when they are covered in mud. He has used a piece of railway track stuff so it is nice and heavy (very heavy) so it will stay put. Dad was well impressed.

Everyone brought loads of food and it was all in all a good day, we even discussed the fact that Turkeys are not male Chickens, which one of the people thought they were. Best to mention no names or else they will hit me when I see them next. They also said that their eyes steamed up (them not the Turkey) if they breathed into a cup of tea, yes OK if you wear glasses like the Ghost Writer then yes, but they don’t. So they said that they must have very cool eyes and that is why it happened. And despite the rest of us trying to get the same effect we could not.  

Yes this is the sort of stuff you might expect to happen in the twilight zone between reality and cyberspace but this was all going on in the real world. Mum says it explains why my diary is bonkers. We also had Joseph the Dog stopping for Boxing Day lunch and he was trying to eat the lights that were bouncing about on the walls from Miss Issy’s glitter ball hat. And I balanced a small cat on a dice on a spoon on a wine glass because it is fun to balance stuff on other stuff. Dad has done it for years. In fact dad was balancing rocks on rocks on rocks long before that Andy Goldsworthy bloke. Only dad was an auto-destructive potter when he was young and says one day the world will end and so we must not see what we do as permanent, so Mr Goldsworthy recording his work is compromising his art form, and selling out to the corporate society. (OK I have said this before but it’s true)

Hang on; how the hell did you lot side track me. They have all gone now (the Ghost Writer and his family not the rocks) and all is peace again so I have been to seen mum and I said I’m bored now mum what will I do HA HA HAH AH hahh hah hah hahah hah hahh hhahah hahahh  only she said IDIOT and threw a female Turkey leg  at me, sorry I mean Chicken leg HA HA HA Hah hah hah hahh hah hah hah ha hhha ha. Mum said IDIOT again and the dog (not Joseph) has done a runner with the leg………  

A cat on a dice on a spoon on a wine glass

Just in case anyone is thinking that is a rubbish picture it is in fact an experiment as it is a picture taken through the side of a half empty wine bottle ....... As I don't drink I thought I should at least try and do something useful with the bottle ......... Same with the picture below too 

And people think I make stuff up ................ No don't need too

The Ghost writer whose glasses do steam up when he drinks tea .....Not like some ?

Chaos Theory, The laws of Reasoned Logic and the Room of Doom

I HAVE RETURNED……. Yes I am back just……. We are living in one of those sliding block puzzles where in order to get something, assuming anyone knows where it is; we need to move boxes. Yes I’m afraid it’s true the story is still full of boxes, much like the house. The only good thing is there is no pressure of emptying them………… Sort of?

I say sort of, because there is loads of good stuff in the boxes and we need it, I cant entirely remember exactly what it is that is in them, but it was all good stuff before it went in a box, so it must still be good stuff. 

Sadly we have lost the Pit of Doom and the Grumbling Child, but for now we have gained The Room of Doom where stuff goes when no one can remember where it should go, or the place it should go is still full of boxes with stuff in. I did say that it was a bit chaotic but the dog says that if he does the mathematics to see if it really is chaos, then it is not; as Chaos Theory would not lead to a logical outcome and according to the dog in five years time the new house will comply with The laws of Reasoned Logic (five years ……….AH). Mum says the dog is being pessimistic because it can’t find the box with the bones in.

We seem to be surrounded by twenty thousand Pheasants, loads of Chickens, a couple of Pigs. Cows, Sheep, and even a load of Ducks flew over earlier tonight, much to the amusement of the dog who shouted DUCK….. I did but mum said IDIOT.

So far the house has had mixed reaction as it does resemble the classic 70’s bungalow, but it is something of a maze and I have got lost a couple of times now. Anyway it will change in time, into something a little more interesting.  

Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat are on holiday in kennels in order to ensure they don’t do a runner as cats are fickle beasts at the best on times and some things they just don’t like. This includes moving house, they do need to know the sofa is not about to change rooms again or else they say O  ******** NO, I'M OFF.

Anyway is good to be back ………………  

A small break. see you all in a few days,takecare and be good

Sorry but I will be back in a few days to reveal all. It is just busy and so the diary is on hold as I can not do it justice. I know that the broadband connection is not as good where we are going but I should still be able to communicate. So there will be a small break in transmission, be good see you all soon. XX  

The skip of Chaos, Dorian Gray, Trick or Treaters and the Spanish Inquisition

The house is not nice a present it usually resembles The Museum of Stuff (despite the pics where it looked well posh) only it now looks like The skip of Chaos and not all the stuff is even in the house anymore. Mr Beelzebub is looking after the pictures, and the house is a bit strange with bare walls, normally there are a least a hundred pictures on the wall.

Mr Beelzebub is not a great fan of our artwork, he says he likes Hieronymus Bosch paintings, and he has a really nice picture of that Dorian Gray bloke. I am not sure about that one; that Dorian Gray always looks a bit poorly to me.

Heavy Harry the Cat has been trying to sun bath under the desk lamp today but got just a little too close, so was smouldering a bit and smelt horrible, he is a stubborn cat so refused to move until he realized he might be on fire. I think I may rename him Charcoal. He is grumpy at the best of times, but is very grumpy how.

Dad was clearing The Void, the area above our living room where things go and sort of vanish, it is great to have, The Void until someone else buys it and it becomes theirs, then all the stuff in The Void can’t be avoided any longer (HA HAH Hah ahh haahh ahah hahah). There are some cool spiders webs in there, but what really annoyed dad is the mice had sneaked in and eaten a hole in the side of the big plastic tub of mouse poison and eaten it all, the entire lot. Well that is just not right is it, they had left everything else alone but that’s not the point. Mice can be very greedy and dad now knows who left the note on the breakfast table last week saying YUM THANKS ………….. Hang on we feel a bit poorly now, maybe it was the red wine…….. I am sure there is some old saying about never mix grape and Grain so maybe it’s true……….

We are not doing a grand Halloween tale tonight, lets face it Dorian Gray is not looking too good, the house is in a state of shock, so not looking too good, Heavy Harry the Cat’s fur is smoking a bit so he is not looking too good. And the mice are a bit dead so not looking too good either.  Sooty the Cat is off his food too, we think he has just got the transition point where he has been a wild stray and thinks FOOD EAT to becoming a pampered domestic fat and thinks OOO NO I Want FRESH chicken, nicely chopped up with a little gravy, and maybe a few of those nice biscuits, followed by some cream and a sardine.  Actually on investigation it may be that Sooty the Cat could be poorly, so off he goes to the vet in the morning to find out, he is turning into a very expensive cat.

We did have one lot of early trick or treaters who dad said looked like the Spanish Inquisition only they said ……. No we are English.  Mum did mutter something in the background but no one heard what it was.  
       

nothing much just a few moments before sleep

Have you ever wondered what to do with the old chicken wire from the Rabbit hutch after they have done a runner ........... Make a light over the dinning table with some Christmas Decs.  This is the house when it was very very tidy with no boxes it is now very very messy with loads of boxes

It looks posh doesn't it but it is not and it really is full of stuff hidden so people think gosh what a nice tidy house we must buy it, and they have and all the hidden stuff is not hidden now it is all over the place.

The Angel of the Norse (Part two). Mr Ben and the 12 bore

Art today in School which was very useful as the art teacher let me carry on with my project; The Angel of the Norse for the Christmas window of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. As I pointed out to the Art teacher, Mr Beelzebub would be very very annoyed if his Christmas Window was not finished in time for the Christmas preview.

The Angel of the Norse now has a head and wings although not hands or proper feet yet and still needs to be painted up so a lot to do. I have told the Art teacher that with luck it will be finished on time and all will be well. Mr Beelzebub has seen the pictures I took and has given it four out of ten now as it has horns but he says it is not very scary; it’s not easy to make a scary angel without it ending up looking like a Vampire Bat as you will all know if you have ever been in dads workshop during Easter.

The grinding wheels of house selling appear to have taken a leap forward today and all has gone well, it’s just that the house buying is a bit is delayed in paperwork. Although our very nice solicitor Mr Ben who is a keen shooter of things that move says there is an IDIOT in the chain (none of us) and he thinks both him and Mr Beelzebub need to go and see a man about a man and nudge things along. Mr Ben says house selling and buying in his experience has always progressed much faster with a 12 bore in the office, as he says it focuses the mind. A 12 bore is an excellent method of dealing with the small print in contracts as after a small volley of shots most of it can be removed very effectively. I think the main problem is it does leave all the paperwork very raggedy, but a pink ribbon and a wax seal soon sorts all that out.

Esmeralda has now been banned from taking fireworks to school, she is a bit upset but she has found a way round this by tying her friend Catherine to the wheels on the school bus and wrapping her up in fairy lights and making her shout WooooooSH Baaaang FiZZZZZZ Crack (the noises not the drugs). Well there is no denying that Catherine does look like a Catherine Wheel particularly in the dark. I think the bus driver is a little unhappy about it but Esmeralda smiled at him so understandably he is doing as he is told.

The dog has told Esmeralda that Catherine is spinning the wrong way and she really should be attached to the other side of the bus in future, well either that or get the bus to reverse to school.  

The Angel of the Norse with head, horns and wings and no hands

Return Home

It is not the size of the dog in the fight, it is the size of the fight in the dog. And a cat in a box

The Prime Minister (British) said today it is not the size of the dog in the fight it is the size of the fight in the dog well the dog disagrees with that he said when Mr Johnson’s dog (A Pekingese) had a fight with the large flesh eating dinosaur, the dinosaur ate it. Mum agreed and said IDIOT and I don’t think she was talking about the dog or the dinosaur or even Mr Johnson either this time.

Still as mum says it could be worse and the economy could be in the hands of politicians …………..AH  

  

Well I for one didn’t even know there was any flesh eating dinosaurs about. Only dads Steam Powered Tyrannosaurs Rex that he built for Halloween last year; or was it the year before that. Anyway that is not important right now. What is interesting is that there appears to be a real one that ate someone’s dog. The dog says there is only dads Steam Powered Tyrannosaurs Rex which he built for Halloween last year and during the test trials it sort of…………..………….AH.

The Rooks and Crows were very active in the early evening and with good reason as the weather has gone dead horrible and Yuk and wet, I think this may well be the proper start of winter now, it is also very very very dark …. COOL. 

It also appears that it was mum and dads wedding anniversary today they have been married for something like 127 years now according to dad. Not sure that is actually right as mum has hit him round the head with the Armadillo toaster and said IDIOT. Anyway it is a long time because dad recons he was youngish sort of maybe, and did brave things, and smiled at people, and was nice to them when they got married. SO it must be ages ago then, He says he did remember their anniversary but his plans to build a new flat pack IKEA house as a surprise was scuppered by two things.

The first was they did not supply the Allen key in the flat pack kit and dads old (imperial measure) tools were the wrong size, so dad was muttering about fangled metric stuff being silly. The second problem was a missing wall, that is quite a large problem in a kit house particularly when it is a supporting wall, although the man on the phone said they would send one in the post first class (the missing wall is called Krumblewal, dad is not happy with the name but that’s IKEA for you.

A third problem was that dad in the end thought the design was not very nice and looked like a box; in fact it looked just like the box the parts came in so he threw the wrong one away and Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat are now squatting in the box and refusing to come out.  Cats can be very territorial once they set up home in a box.