The Man of the Sea

Behold the Great Man of the Sea

The heroic swimmer of Cromarty

Who swam all the way to Aberdeen

The greatest feat of swimming

There has ever been

And to astound onlookers

And stop them in their track

The next day he waved farewell

And then swam back

But he is a modest chap

And made no fuss

And after a cup of tea

At the harbour café

He set off home

On the local bus

The End   

Poetry for the Apocalypse and Haiku for Harry Potter and Things

I live on a Post Apocalyptic Earth

Charred End to End

Right Round its Girth

With just a few Fish

Swimming about in the Sea

Some Insects and Beetles

A Fat Parrot

And ME

AH . . . . I Ate the Parrot

Haiku for Harry Potter

Harry Potter Likes His Cheese

Flying About

And Nesting in Trees

Poetry for things

A Pointy Thing

A Sharp Thing

A round Thing

A Piece of String

A Flat Thing

A Lumpy Thing

A Tiny Thing

A Cart Spring

And an odd Thing

That goes

.

.

.

Ping

Batteries Not Included 

Stanley Stumbledore . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Stanley Stumbledore.

A chemist who spent many years working on the process of Alchemy, but not with a great deal of luck. However he was never downhearted by his failure because he saw it all as part of his quest for knowledge. A knowledge that led him to become the leading authority on symbiotic substances. Now everyone knows that the best symbiotic substances have at their core a large open crystalline structure allowing it to fill with tiny particles in the symbiotic process. And it was this process that led to a piece of brilliant lateral thinking, because Stanley Stumbledore’s castle was at risk of falling into the sea due to coastal erosion.

The sea is a powerful force and if you simply build a wall the sea will quickly destroy it but if you build an open crystalline structure the force will be defused and the structure will survive stopping the erosion; eventually filling the spaces with sand creating a natural environment for small sea critters and the like.  So it was; that the Stanley Stumbledore Shore Star was created which varied in size from about six feet in diameter to fifteen feet in diameter.  The Victorians loved the sea and were keen to control its power and eat ice cream while paddling about in suitable swimwear. So the eradication of coastal erosion was seen as an important step in mans authority over nature. As the Rev Oscar Overlap Oppenheimer would often tell his congregation on cold wet Sundays.

Sadly Stanley Stumbledore as with many Victorian inventors became delusional and thought that he could command the sea purely by standing in front of it. So one very stormy night encouraged by Rev Oscar Overlap Oppenheimer (who was keen to prove that man could master nature); Mr Stumbldore ventured onto the beach where he was promptly swept out to sea.   The  Rev Oscar Overlap Oppenheimer told the shocked watching crowd it was penance as Stanley Stumbledore had obviously been eating ice cream and wearing a bathing suit, both clearly the work of the devil.

Interestingly a group of fishermen who arrived back in port a few hours later said they had seen two men emerge from a cave and save Stanley Stumbledore as he was being dashed on the rocks. One of the men a strange green colour with mad hair and wearing a ripped shirt while the other kept shouting well known left wing protest chants. They also claimed to have seen a man dressed as a penguin with a bicycle wheel on his head running along the cliff top, so folk just said they had been drinking moonshine after a good catch of mackerel and herrings.

Stanley Stumbledore was never seen again though, although you do sometimes see large concrete star shaped coastal defences in small Victorian towns. 

Rumpelstiltskin and the Dormice of Doom . . . . The Quiz Team

As I continue to wallow in my state of less that one hundred percent fitness as I fight off the side effects of Man Flu, by rubbing goose fat and barnacles on my chest. That Wikipedia is full of useful tips from the medical cupboards of wise old Victorian Housewives and withered gentlemen of the road. I have decided that the lucidity of my mind is now sharp enough (today anyway) to write something useful on my blog. O yes some say that it is a lie and that I am still as barking as a mad grumpy puffin in a seafood restaurant, but what I say to them is . . . . . . . AH HAHAh ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ahahahah hah ah ha ha hah Haddock, Kippers and Fish Pie HA HAHAHAH ha ah h ah ah a ha hah ah ah aahhah ah a. . . . . .  and you cant argue with that. 

Last night despite my frail state and delirious mind I was part of a four person quiz team along with Mrs Ghost Writer, Mr Charlie and Miss Jane where we were up against thirteen other teams answering questions on all sorts of stuff. I was given the opportunity to name our team so I called it . . . Rumpelstiltskin and the Dormice of Doom. . . I have always thought quiz teams need intimidating names in order to wrong foot the opposition.  It was an interesting quiz with some very difficult questions but by half way we found ourselves in second place. After a rather good meal of Sheppard’s Pie and French bread all inclusive in the modest price of five pound a head, we leapt into action for part two of the quiz. And at the end found that we had managed to hang onto second place even though by then I was insisting that either Elvis or Seagulls or Nutmeg was the answer to every question.  The team that won actually won by a huge margin, but did have five members so I was able to establish mathematically that we had actually answered more questions per team member and so were really the winners.

This morning I was forced out yet again because I have foolishly volunteered to be a first responder for the village’s defibrillator, I say foolishly because I would not let me near me with a device that zaps folk. Anyway today was our training day but the man who was going to train us did not turn up and now we all have to turn up again tomorrow. I am not sure I will be able to catch the cat again tomorrow quite so easily, so that I have something to practice on.  There was a local funeral today as well so we have now missed our opportunity to revive the body….

Once I am fully aware of my surroundings again I will delve into the world of those big questions that folk hesitate to ask or answer . . . Things like. . . . Where did all this paranoia about walking on the cracks in the pavements come from. . . .  and. . . Why do cats sit in boxes. . . .

Fantastic Beasts that do not eat Harry Potter

Is this the terrible Beast that finally eats Harry Potter and all the Wizards

Well NO

(I have to draw my own fantastic Beasts not like some)

Sorry I have been very busy and  will be busy tomorrow but after that 

I WILL BE BACK

Ok I may be back before that who can tell.

DAMN all this Exciting stuff and I have no time to tell you about it.

When I say exciting I am not entirely telling the truth.

Did you know Harry Potter hates Kippers

JUST SAYING 

Great Paradoxes of Modern Life

The Great Paradoxes of Modern Life

 1. . . . . Never go to a Fancy Dress Party Dressed as a Coral Reef

2 . . . . . . . . .  Never Go to a Coral Reef Dressed in a Fancy Dress

The Fish the Crab and the Hot Chocolate

It was very hot today indeed and I have been staggering about a bit like a Zombie, something that happens from time to time when my feet protest about the fact they have to be at the bottom of me while the head gets to be at the top. Feet find themselves in this position most days which is why they tend to be the grumpiest individual body part. Arms sometimes complain a bit at times but they can flap about, which feet cant without making you look like an IDIOT unless you are Fred Astaire . . . . I am not Fred Astaire; in fact I am not Fred Anybody of any sort. Although I may have lost the Thread a bit now as it appears no one is any the wiser about my day (including me) and no one knows what I have done (including me) . . . . . I hate it when you have days where you run about all day and then at the end of the day you cant remember what you did.

Actually that reminds me we went to the vineyard where I drank hot chocolate and ate a rather good slice of chocolate cake, and watched someone doing a wine tasting thing. It appears if you do it (vine tasting) with hot chocolate folk say you are an IDIOT particularly if you attempt your Fred Astaire impression at the same time. My tip of the day would be do not do this.

Anyway while we were away I draw stuff so tonight’s drawing is a Crab and a fish, I did see a couple of fish leaping in the bay, but not Dolphins and I did see a couple of crabs but they were slightly dead. . . .That’s seagulls for you, if you are a small crab all I can say is do not get lured in by the old . . . . .HAY show me your Fred Astaire Impression little crab . . . . .. . . . . it will only lead to misfortune.

Ooooo yes I put some sea glass in a glass bowl so I can now see the sea glass through the glass.

Well that’s it I’m off  . . . . . . I don’t think I have told you about the huge cat yet.     

Umbrellas and Fish

The Greatest A to Z  

Aardvark based Nonsense Poetry in the World 

N

NEVER NIBBLE the toes of a NEWT

Or try to glue one inside your bosses boot

Because NEWTS you see have a NASTY streak

And will suck out your brains making your future bleak.

Yes NEWTS are clever

NEWTS have been known to bark

And it is a little known fact that they invented

The NEWTONIAN Aardvark

O

O dear said OSCAR as he dropped his pet OTTER

Into an ORIFICE made by a notorious Rotter

And although he tried to entice it with OCTOPUS livers 

It escaped OFF . . . . into the rivers

Because as we know

OTTERS are Tarka’s and not really givers.

(Tarka’s . . . .  Takers) HAH HAHAH AHH Ahah h hah ah ah hah h a hha ha ha haha ha ha ha.

P

PETER the PARROT is a PRICELESS bird

It can sing the Star Spangled Banner and impersonate the late Thora Hird

And if feeling PECKISH or can't think of the right word

It PRETENDS it’s the aardvark from Shakespeare’s play

Richard the Third.

Q

If you stand  . . . . . 

in a QUEUE . . . . . . . 

with a Gnu . . . . . . .

People will QUIETLY whisper . . . . . . .  

in a QUADRANGLE . . .  or two  . . 

Or QUIVER with fear and shout loudly. 

AuuuuuugggghhhhHH Shoo

Or throw bits of Aardvark . . . . . .  At the Smiling Gnu

And maybe at you.

R

ROUND the RUGGED ROCKS the RAGGED RASCAL RAN

Past a ROTUND RABBIT and a small bald RETIRED man

And as he passed a ROASTER that made a strange sound just like a bark.

He lost his concentration and tripped over an Aardvark. 

S   

The SLIMY SLIPPERY SERPENT SLIPS SILENTLY underneath the 
 . . . . . SIDEWALK

In the dark where man and beast get eaten by a grumpy old  
 . . . . .  Night Hawk

And little dogs run about and annoy pedestrians with their
 . . . . Barks

And every one will run and hide with the arrival of . . . . . . . . .

(Huge indomitable and fearsome man eating) 

 . . . . Aardvarks.

T

In the TINY TOWNS in  . . . . . .  

THE hills of TRANSYLVANIA

Is a beast THAT drives THE population mad 

And has become a world compulsive mania?

With is sharp pointy TEETH . . . . . . 

Sucking blood in THE dark

Everyone lives in fear of 

THE Vampire Aardvark.

U  

Hanging Underneath Umbrellas 

You will find some ugly fish

Who think that they are bats 

Rather than a battered dish.

They think they are being clever 

Hiding from the multitude of sharks

But hiding in umbrellas 

Means they will be eaten by

Aardvarks. 

Zombies, the Incident of Politically Incorrectness and fish

Today was a quietish day all in all; it started with me tinkering with a moving mirror that did not swivel on its motorized swivel mechanism. It had been modified the other day to reduce a strange humming noise it made when it moved fast and in the process meant that it could not move slowly, it is useful that it moves slowly as well as fast. So there I was with a small poking device (a  pointy knife) poking away at part of the modification until it all worked as it should. 

Now I hear you all typing . . . . WHAT? (again) muttering things like, what is he on about this time, but a moveable mirror device is useful if you are being followed by Zombies and the like. I say like because I noticed that a certain supermarket chain has had to remove non PC (that’s Politically Correct rather than Personal Computer) Halloween outfits from their stores. Although I understand the reasoning (Silly twits at the superstore) but I do wonder if Halloween is really Politically Correct in the first place. Just think, life is hard enough if you are a Zombie, but just imagine how difficult it would be to wander about scaring little old ladies in the middle of the night while trying to remain Politically Correct. It is not in the nature of Zombies to apologize to a little old lady who has just had a heart attack, they are more inclined to eat her brain and groan a lot without a simple awfully sorry about that, do you mind If I sort of nibble your brain a bit.  Zombies have no manners.

Anyway they don’t understand mirrors and so a mirror that you can adjust to keep an eye out for them approaching is really useful as an early warning device because there is no tap on the shoulder, gentle cough and an excuse me sir, oooooo no.

 I also opened up a box of electronic bits looking for a small bios battery only to find the device does not have one . . . DAMN still it was worth a look. So the said device is all back in one piece again, although I did poke about with the small poking device (a pointy knife) well it might have helped a bit, although it didn’t

And I cut down two branches of a small tree that needed to be pruned  it was a Hazel tree and we all know what Hazel is particularly useful for besides making small fish . . . . . .Yes Pointy Sticks  . . . . . . . . . . .

Even small fish have their Plaice  . . . . . .. . . . . HAH HAH H HAH HAH AHhah ah ha hah ha hah ah ha hah hah ha ha hah ah hha hah ha ha hah ha ha ha ha ha.  

The Evolution of Fudge, Fish and other Critters

There is good and bad today, the good is that Miss I and Mr S called by with a chocolate bunny for us to eat, good for us bad for a chocolate bunny. At the time I was just about finished weeding part of the garden with a pickaxe; that might seem a bit extreme against the humble buttercup, but these are mutant buttercups and they eat all sorts of stuff from small fish to fudge and most things in-between. Interestingly genetically, if you look at the DNA of fish and Fudge you find that fish are higher up the evolutionary ladder than fudge and yet we are told that life started in the sea.  I asked the dog about this but he said “evolution is all a bit of a fudge” and then fell about in hysterics on the kitchen floor, I am assuming he might mean all life originated from fudge. It is certainly a thought to chew over next time you are in the sweetie shop.

Sorry what was I saying AH yes good and bad, the bad is the clocks in the UK all shift forward an hour tonight meaning I loose an hour in bed, I have looked in my bed for the missing hour many times but so far without any luck HAH HAHAHH HAH Hah ah hah ah hah ahhah hahh hah ah hah ahh ahah hahah  . . . . . . Mum just said IDIOT.

And it was sunny today but cold so I spent much of the day hiding clocks in what I am told is a futile effort to stop time. If only I had a pound for ever time someone has said that to me I would have about a pound (well 50p). HAH HAHHAH HAHH hah ahh ah hahahh hah hah DAMN mum has said IDIOT again……

OK that’s it for tonight I am off to chill and do stuff near a warm fire as it is chilly.

.

Goats cheese tarts, Norwegians and subliminal messages.

Today was grey wet and exceedingly dull, not what you would expect bearing in mind that we are getting ever closer to a certain date. And assuming we survive that we then have Christmas and I would rather not have a dull grey wet Christmas day because it will feel very odd indeed. This sort of weather would have ruined the bible. All that, follow that star, obscured by heavy rain clouds and thick grey mist, to yonder stable, the one with the large tarpaulin on the roof next to that bloke who is making a huge ark to put a load of animals in.  Maybe this is why the Norwegians like Raw Cod on Christmas day.

While on the subject of food, we had homemade goat’s cheese tarts for our evening meal. The plan is to build up the immune system to protect us from the arrival of the huge intergalactic cheese slices, interestingly there appeared to be a subliminal message in my meal giving a hint of what the aliens might look like too, so that was very useful.

My day (partly because of the weather) was not a productive one, as I have said previously it is hard to stay motivated on cold grey days and we are very close to the so called shortest day, so called due to it being the day with the least hours of daylight (even less than today . . . . . .YICKS) although if all goes as predicted it might be the shortest day by quite a bit.  

Ok I am off now to protect myself from the lurking cat (Heavy Harry) who has taken to lurking even more, and must have some diabolical master place of his own, possibly to work on his own attempt to take over the world……

F but not the F word and FROMAGE FRAIS ice-cream

Another day and I have just been saying it difficult to make the daily trips of  a young eccentric  (me) to school interesting every single day; The dog says that it will all end in futility and failure. He would say that particularly as today’s guest letter is “F”.  I was a bit worried at first because mum has said I am not allowed to mention the F word. I did say what about Fish but mum said IDIOT.  I assume she is referring to the fish.

So at school after a brief discussion on architecture and “Form follows Function” to which Esmeralda did use the F word it was decided that the pupils would do one of my Famous or is it infamous film re-enactments  so for what I think is the Fird time now we did The Great Escape. During assembly while the front rows hummed Fingal's Cave by Felix Mendelssohn we put. Freddies Ferrets into the tunnels under the main hall to excavate a route to Freedom. Freddies Ferrets will do anything for some free range chicken, fish fingers, fudge and a fairy cake so it did not take long for them to finish. So as the morning assembly reached its finale most of the forth and fifth year had escaped to Freda’s Fish Bar in town to fill up with greasy fat chips, faggots and Fromage frais ice-cream.

Anyway that’s about if for F for tonight because there is still a long way to go until we get to Z and the dogs says Failure is not a word we are allowed to use ……………. …… …….. ……….. ……….. AH I used it now, (DAM sorry that’s the D word now).

At home I have painted some things white and told Sooty off for attacking a little friendly frail dog. Sooty is a wimp and only fights febble fings.  

.

Man's need to explore the unknown

It has been a beautiful sunny day today, the best day of the year by far and so me and the dog explored the inner depths of a clump of conifer trees which we estimated may not have been explored for at least a thousand years. It is places like this that small micro climates can evolve and within them entire worlds. So we were extremely encouraged by unknown foot prints and the remains of bones. The dog was convinced they were the bones of a creature as yet undiscovered by man too………. WELL COOL

As we battled our way through the conifers, it involved a lot a sawing and hacking with a machete by me, much to the disgust of the dog. Who complained that it is all well and good exploring the unknown, but to make a bloody great path through it rather messes the whole thing up. I did point out he is huge and was making a bigger path than me. So we put this destruction of the unknown microclimate down to progress, and mans need to explore the unknown.  We both agreed in the end a nice tarmac road would make exploring so much easier in an unexplored jungle, and maybe a nice café.

Anyway after a long hunt for further adventure and lost tribes, we arrived at the enclosure of a large strange white noisy beast .OK it was a goose we had gone in a huge circle and arrived back where we started, near next doors geese. It did give us time to do some forensic research on the as yet unknown bones; we even found what appeared to be the remains of a box. So we assumed that the bones were part of an ancient sacrifice to the gods and on closer investigation the box appeared to have the letters KFC written on the lid in what appeared to be blood almost completely faded with the sun and time. The dog says this stands for King Fenrir Camaxtli and he would know as he is not only from the jungles of South America but looks like a scary wolf too, so enough said.

Dad is pleased because (assuming the paperwork all pans out OK) the solar panels on the roof have made £7:25p today, I did say THAT’S COOL CAN I HAVE  MORE POCKET MONEY THEN but he said NO……. ……. ……. NOT FAIR. I even offered him the strange bones in the remains of its container with the KFC on the lid but dad said IDIOT so did mum as it happens. And the Dog has eaten the bones now. It a tough life being an intrepid explorer.  

YUM

The royals as in Wills and Kate, the Large Cod and the Montgomery Christmas Window Competition

School is all rather chilled at the moment the art teacher has us producing Potato print wrapping paper, and is selling in the market after school. It is, as the teacher says A nice little earner, personally I thought a nice little earner was what you put flowers in HA HA HA HA HAH HAH HAH HA hhah hah hah ah hahahh hah. I have just had a great idea for a Christmas cracker joke.

Dad is making home made Christmas crackers again this year, although mum insists that he uses less gunpowder than last year. However one of the great things about last years crackers is me and some of my school friends were able to re-enact The Italian Job (the original one not the rubbish remake) and say You’re only meant to blow the doors off. And dad should have warned Mr Jenkins next door before he and Mrs Jenkins pulled the first one.

Look this is all a distraction yet again. I called into Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop on the way home as mum was holding the fort (when I say holding the fort I don’t mean a fort or even a model of a fort I mean ………..O never mind) He says The Angel of the Norse has attracted many comments while it has been in the window, and in fact tonight is judging night for the Montgomery Christmas Window competition…….. Yes well, remember what happened last year but if they will have two little old ladies who are 93 from the WI to judge I think an angel with horns is not going to win.

I was told that the royals as in Wills and Kate (Is that right?) were in Monty last week at the restaurant over the road from Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop.  The one with the Michelin Star; giving food awards named after car tyres is all a bit odd don’t you think.

Of course one of the draw backs to being a royal is you are not allowed to eat in places like Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café or even the Sun Inn in Marton so you are trapped in a world of places that me and the dog are not allowed in. OK the dog has been banned from Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café as well now, due to the incident with the leg of lamb and the confusion with the leg of the waiter. But as the dog pointed out close up a leg is a leg, and they all tend to run away screaming at times; and just because on this particular occasion the leg knew the short cut through the kitchen, he was concentrating on getting his dinner.     

Talking of Food  I had Young’s Large cod fillets for tea, this is a sign that cod are becoming extinct because if that was a Large cod we must be down to the tiny weensy baby throw it away its not worth it fish on the grounds we have eaten all the rest. So Christmas tip for tonight is …… eat as many cod as you can before everyone else eats them and there are none left.