Wednesday, 31 August 2011

The Story of the Vivian Girls, Tales Of Insanity and the chewy violent dictator

With a new art exhibition starting at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop, mum has been very busy sorting stuff out so me the dog and Mercedes have been having a wonder through bits of the shop we have never been in before. We found the Aquarium today so now I know where dad got his Coelacanths from. We also saw a huge Mekong Giant Catfish which the dog reckoned would make brilliant fish and chips.

From there we found our way into the library where we found a girl called Miss Jasmine she said she had been in the library for 12 years reading the book Tales Of Insanity. Apparently according to Mercedes you must never read Tales Of Insanity because it will drive you insane and you will sit and read it for ever. It was written by a mad librarian who was driven mad by the long endless days of silence in the library with no customers so he wrote the book so that who ever read it would remain in the library for ever. It has long been banned from Libraries because although effective there is little to eat in a library and the public were eating all the books to survive and singing a well know Eagles song (the band not the bird)

of course if you are going to do this right it is important to choose the next up option at the end  

Mercedes has borrowed the only leather bound copy in the world of the book “The Story of the Vivian Girls” to read on the journey back to the Great Metropolis, as she said the jams on the M25 can be rather bad and it can take ages so she needs a good yarn to pass the time.
Napoleon Beelzebub had to tell the dog off for trying to run off with dinosaur bones again and in the end gave him the leg of someone who had rather a lot of loyalty points for the bottom floor of the cellar (the hot bit). Mum was not happy and told the dog he was not allowed to take the leg home as it was still attached to the rest of the person, who was complaining very loudly. Both Napoleon and the dog did explain it was their own fault and they were warned that greed and power as a dictator running a middle eastern country came at a cost. Although I suspect they hadn’t planned on becoming the dog’s chewy toy when the dog was bored or hungry YUK. I must remember never to become a violent corrupt dictator or leader. Mum said IDIOT but she was referring to the dictator as he was throwing sticks to try and distract the dog.
Tonights sort of Oooo by the way is the Ghost Writer got another pressie; a big pile of Spicy Cheese Scones from Miss Elly, well cool I have nicked one......

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

The Cat. The Parrot. The Red Vampire Monkey and the man from the RAC

It is not easy to write this when Sooty the Cat is trying to lick my hands at the same time. Why don’t cats understand that typing requires at least one working hand? I am not Captain Flint the Parrot I am not able to write with my beak.  Captain Flint can write 30 words a minute but only in parrot; I will let him have a go now

Aafkj ‘ I ihg g lkhkhjuyo riyyeryr b  gwyroyt  squawk  eitij j jjk  pieces dmg  oko of o k  jme ight HA  r AAH ra a har har har dadmln nfn ahrrhh sfmjht;js hgn trqc   gl gh Brazil Nutttss   fj jkrj kjfk jfkj

As you can see unless you’re a parrot it does not make a lot of sense although I do know it involves food because Parrots tend to think about food a lot, much like the cats and the dog and me and dad.

I have spent the day in the cellar moving other rubbish that has been revealed from under the mountain of computers, most of which mum and dad had forgotten they had. It appears it is a traditional house moving pastime, looking at all the stuff you put in boxes when you moved previously but subsequently never opened. Dad said that’s useful I didn’t know I still had that and has taken things out of one box and put them in a new box to take with us when we move so it can be stored safely in the new cellar. Apparently we don’t have a new cellar O DEAR.

The dog has been back in the woods looking for more aliens despite the fact the alien is a man in a caravan with a granny that makes mad jumpers he even arrived back home with an arm of what he said was an alien. But it turned out to be one of the arms of a life size Ronald McDonald again which was covered in barbeque sauce and pond weed. Mum thinks the dog is just keen to meet aliens rather than campers in caravans. Maybe I should ask dad to make a steam powered alien to roam through the streets with lasers and death rays shouting Exterminate all humans and take me to your leaders. Maybe not it reminds me of the 500ft sausage story all over again and look what happened that time.  

The ghost writer got a another present today from Miss Sally of our favourite eating place Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café it was a Red Vampire Monkey, well cool, he gets some interesting presents bearing in mind he is a grumpy old git.

 And finally  a sort of by the way as it happens sort of event, a man from the RAC phoned up dad to flog him insurance a short time ago but apparently he was far too nice and as dad put it; did not have the killer instinct, and was very nice but rubbish. 

Miss Fionski the famous Russian Spy undercover on a very secret mission I must not mention .........AH

Monday, 29 August 2011

Jimi Hendrix’s original baby blue ukulele. Miss Svetlana and The Brothers Karamazov, and a small green alien.

It’s the Ghost Writers birthday but we will not linger on this fact as dad sent him down into the cellar to sort out yet another pile of old computers. It is also the August bank holiday Monday, traditionally the busiest bank holiday of the year when all the British rush off to the coast as a final fling before autumn and winter set in. The Lemmings do something similar in the woods only their final fling in off a tall tree.

The result of both events however is the same ……Chaos and a bottleneck of British tourists or lemmings, however the lemmings remain polite and patent as they limp away from the bedlam of their final fling unlike the tourists who fight to the last man (or bucket and spade).  Sadly however the bank holiday has arrived too late as autumn has already arrived, Even the dog has said that the air has changed and it will be a long autumn. He has spent the day working on the Mathematics of climate change but at the end of the day he gave up and said How long’s a piece of string; me and Captain Flint the parrot have measured a piece of string for him it was three feet and two inches but mum said IDIOTS.

As many of you know I have many portals between the world of cyberspace and that of the real world one of which is my blog and I am pleased to note that my friend Miss Svetlana …… Wordsmith and Poet is now a member. This is good as her writing is important to her and if my incoherent rambling tale of nonsense was a complete incoherent rambling tale of nonsense then she would have quietly run away again. We are all hoping she is writing a grand Classic Novel in the style of the great grand classic Russian novelists something like; The Brothers Karamazov, Anna Karenina or The Master and Margarita.

As however I am not a writer as such, just someone recording his daily events I am able to spend a couple of hours in the woods with the dog and Mercedes going UGGGGGH Lemming,   UGGGGGH banshee’s,  UGGGGGH tree, UGGGGGH alien space craft. UGGGGGH strange small green man with seven arms. OK I have slightly exaggerated that last bit, a bit. It was a small man in one of the airstream caravans wearing a bright green kagool although he did appear to have seven arms. He said its was his grannies fault she liked to knit him jumpers and told him he would grow into them, unfortunately that is what happened and it now costs him a fortune in gloves.

Finally the Ghost Writer has opened his presents; Miss Tiggy and Chris the Phantom of the Opera have given him a Faberge diamond encrusted silver brooch in a classic Art Nuevo prehistoric bird design. His wife Barbara has given him Jimi Hendrix’s original baby blue ukulele which he wrote Purple Haze on and then played the classic cover of When I’m Cleaning Windows on the now lost film of The Old Northern Rock Scene. Miss Issy gave him Jimi’s Beginners guide to Ukulele with his hand written notes in like Hey Joe Whats for dinner ……. Man I just had this great idea for a song; and Kris and Tracy have given him the Mk2 Steam Powered Plectrum Making Machine. He is now eating cake and is a happy man (OK he’s a grumpy man …….. he is always grumpy). Sorry this has got very long tonight.

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Hurricane Irene, Bill Gates and the Windows Vista disaster.......

I think several of my American friends have been keeping their heads down as hurricane Irene worked its way up the east coast of America. I’m sure they don’t normally go as far up the coast as New York and beyond (hurricanes not friends) but I may be wrong. It was very sunny and peaceful here first thing but has got grey and dull and wet as the day went on. Still hardly the same is it.

I was back in the cellar today sorting out stuff. The Ghost Writer appears to have loads of old computer bits in our cellar, this is dads fault he said to the Ghost Writer once he could store stuff and so the Ghost Writer has. It appears he has every old computer and spare part he has ever worked on down there and so he came to come and help me and Mercedes and the dog sort it all out. For a start off no one uses Windows 3.1.1 anymore or Windows 95 or for that matter Windows 98, Windows Millennium just was no good and as for Windows Vista well it was rubbish. That Mr Bill Gates may be a very nice man (I assume he is a very nice man) but what was going on in his head when he thought of Vista. I like being in the Cyber world of Windows XP or Windows 7, but to tell the truth the Ghost Writer is old and not good at change so we tend to stay in the world of XP. Mum has just said no one is interested except possibly Bill Gates and a few geeks so get on with it.

Anyway all this clearing is all part of the hopeful move of mouse, sorry house mice don’t like moving they get very attached to their surroundings. Myself and Mercedes did spend some time in the cellar going UGGGGGH LIGHT BULB, UGGGGGH WOODLICE and UGGGGGH SPIDER until mum said IDIOTS. But it is a very long holiday and it is difficult to completely fill it up with doing stuff all the time. The dog thinks this is rubbish and we should fill our empty moments with maths.

The dog has decided that he needs to find out just now much rubbish the human race generates. His first preliminary results have indicated that the humans have created a pile of rubbish the same weight as the equivalent of every human being that has ever lived plus most of the Dinosaurs and Ducks with the possible exclusion of male Pintail ducks. The dog said if all the rubbish was put in one pile in the centre of London or Washington it would be really messy and smell YUK, mum has added IDIOT again.

As you can tell by all the rambling I have done tonight, (words not walking about), not much happened today…… at home anyway 

Saturday, 27 August 2011

The Michael Jackson cover of Tip toe Through the Tulips. Scrap gold and Birthdays

Today I got to go to the recycling skips where we were getting rid of stuff from the cellar like old bars of gold and silver and bronze ingots and stuff and the Ghost Writer threw a load of battered computers in the back of dad’s car to go too. The Men at the recycling got very excited about the gold, silver and bronze and ended up having fisty cuffs and stuff in the middle of the rubbish.

Napoleon Beelzebub who also came along to help and who had some things to recycle said gold has a funny affect on mankind and is a real asset to his recruitment campaign.  Dad did say it’s a funny old world when the devil starts doing his bit by recycling, but Napoleon Beelzebub said we hadn’t seen what he was recycling yet; so he showed us YUK. He showed the men at the recycling then to find out which skip he was meant to use but they all screamed and ran away, as dad said it least it took their minds off fighting over the gold.

Then when we got back from the recycling we found the Ghost writer building a strange hybrid computer in the middle of our living room, its an odd thing because some bits don’t fit in the box and he has done things to it you are not meant to do. He hasn’t switched it on yet and is hoping it will not explode and take out the towns power, he plans to do that later (switch it on not take out the towns power ………….we hope)

It is the Ghost Writers birthday on Monday (29th Aug) and the dog thinks we should wrap all the rubbish in the cellar in gift wrap and give it too him as it would save us several trips to the skips. The Ghost writer likes rubbish so he would like that.  He has the same birthday as that Michael Jackson does, well did, he cant really have birthdays now  (that’s Michael Jackson not the Ghost Writer) but Mr Neapolitan Beelzebub says the that he still likes to sing and leap about and the song BAD goes down really well. OK it did the first 100,134,777 times but most have gone back to listening to Tip toe Through the Tulips and Mr Beelzebub is insisting that Michael learns that for the Christmas concert and if Mr Beelzebub insists than that’s that. Apparently Michaels reaction when he was told was OOOOOOUuuuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwwww, not sure if that spelt right?  

Friday, 26 August 2011

The famous quotations of ordinary people. Rain and Frogs

I keep missing words and making spelling mistakes at present well OK most of the time really but after a spell of not being quite so bad I seem to have got worse again. I am very sorry about that. Today has been very noisy at the house, a gang of men turned up and dug up a driveway opposite us and parked their tractor and trailer across the bottom of our driveway much to the irritation of mum and dad.

Anyway we have got round the problems and I took my voodoo lucky charm with the shrunken head and showed it to the men doing the work and told them if they didn’t stop working and went away that they would all be washed away by torrents of rain and large frogs. The men doing the work all laughed and carried on blocking us in, well up until the torrential rain started and large frogs started leaping at them, which forced them into a tactical retreat; (that’s the workmen not the frogs, frogs never make tactical retreats). Dad said they looked as organised as cross-eyed moorhens PLAYING A game dominos against Aligators. Anyway they are gone now, much like the moorhens.

Darren the Boiler Man also came today to service the boiler which he has done for years now ever since I was as Auntie Karen would say KNEE HIGH TO A KNEE. She also says the Grimble-Spin is a full width wider that the doorway, mark my words young Rob. And the spirit level is three rums south of thirty degrees, I think Captain Nessman may have told her that one.

Darren did his bit and left, he said he had a wheel to attach to a car for a man who was grass track racing it tomorrow, as the wheel fell of yesterday when someone was stress testing the car and applied just a bit too much stress. As he said the point of no return is the point when you need to return or the wood shed will be empty for winter. Darren always says that when the wheels fall off cars.

It’s been a long holiday.  Well it feels like it and me and Mercedes said to mum we are bored now but we both ran away very fast before mum could throw stuff at us. I could hear mum saying the Statue sings but the pigeons still sit on its head and ********. Captain Flint added pieces of eight, where are my Brazil nuts and the dog said  quidquid excusatio prandium pro.  Mum has just said the IDIOT runs in circles on the high wire. I tried that once but I fell off. 

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Stephen Fry the very clever man whom is not a dog with fleas and does not glow in the dark

I live in the dark recesses of cyberspace in the back waters of the hills of rural Mid-Wales, the Ghost Writer lives in the hills of rural Mid-Wales even Nelson Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop is in a small square in a small unknown town in the hills of rural Mid-Wales. So why is life so busy all the time for us all. The Ghost writer says he is old and knackered and it’s NOT FAIR.

So what happened today to tell the truth I don’t remember I did go out but I came back and I remember I did meet a man who appears to know very little about things relating to IT. The Ghost Writer says this is quite common and very often those who do know about IT forget about those that don’t know about IT. The dog gets upset about people that don’t speak Latin which is almost everyone except Stephen Fry and the Pope.

For the international audience Stephen Fry is a very clever man who everyone likes, a bit like the dog only he is not a dog as he only has two legs and is probably not as hairy as a dog and does not have fleas (I hope). I think I will have a little break and return to my diary in a bit.

Have just had a Indian takeaway YUM. But I have noticed we always get a yogurt and cucumber dressing which we never order and on the lid appears to be written M/S only tonight me and the dog realized its not M/S but in fact is says MI5. That explains much because it’s a strange dressing and we always glow in the dark afterwards for ages, and it sets off dads Geiger counter so we recon they are using it to track our path when we use the Einstein Cube to go to the takeaway afterwards for a ice cream, bearing in mind the takeaway is in India. MI5 are still determined to get it (the Einstein Cube not an Indian takeaway) some how which is one of the reasons I don’t use it much and keep it hidden in a secret place under the hedge near the Pit of Doom with the annoying grumpy child in it who is still grumpy. Anyway MI5 are not very likely to think I am silly enough to hide the Einstein Cube under a hedge so it is safe there AH. Maybe I better move it now. Mum just said IDIOT, I also have a secret panel under the kitchen floor but apparently I cant use that either now.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Coronal Gaddafi, Charlie Chaplin, Seagulls and the sound of African Drums

It is very late but I have been off playing African drums with friends, so I have not had the opportunity to write my diary until now. I could have written it this morning but at that point I was not sure what was going to happen. Although I was aware that one of my relatives who was passing and arrived at our house was hungry and ate a huge bowl of coco pops.

The African Drumming was well cool as always and although I did not take my amp and guitar I did get to play blues harmonica, I am good at playing blues harmonica. When I first started someone said that blind blues harmonica players are better, and they poked me in the eyes and so I was not able to see what I was doing but it didn’t make me play any better. We might go digital next time and use a fancy looper and stuff to do some modern alternative African drumming so that will be interesting, just in time for the big end (Well book one anyway)

Talking of big ends I see that Libya have almost got Coronal Gaddafi, Napoleon Beelzebub says he is old and well overdue, as he has loads of loyalty points for the lowest part of his cellar with all the nasty bits in.  The dog recons he has left Libya and is hiding in the Lebanon or Syria while dad things he is disguised as Charlie Chaplin in a touring circus, saying no one will suspect him; and his ability at manipulating the public and press will be very beneficial to the circus.

Me and Mercedes did try lying on the ground and going UGGGGGH CLOUD at the clouds today but one of the clouds was very black and as we said UGGGGGH CLOUD at that cloud there was a huge flash of lightning and it started to rain so we ran away, well inside dads workshop. We did think about firing up the Steam Powered Hydraulically Operated Tyrannosaurus but in the end thought we would save that adventure for another day, after all look what happened last time it was fired up.

Finally today the Ghost Writer is happy as the second of his complex IT problems he was struggling to solve, he has now managed to solve due to as he put it, bloody minded stubborn perseverance and watching Seagulls. He says Seagulls are incredibly underestimated and a flock of Seagulls can strip a desktop computer in a skip in seconds and defrag the hard drive in flight. He says you must never leave the windows open if you live near the sea or they will have all the important bits out of your PC before mum can say IDIOT. Funnily enough just then mum said IDIOT

Sorry I am late; I have made it just in time PHEW.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

UGGGGGH CLOUD and the start of the end of the Summer Holidays

As predicted on Twitter by the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine. The Ghost writer indeed did have to go to Brecon and meet the Very Clever Man who as it turns out apparently runs a Thai restaurant (Thai food not a restaurant in Thailand). The Very Clever Man explained to the Ghost Writer why he has been having problems with IT there.

The Ghost Writer on his way home came and told us all about it and how there was a secret wireless access point in the office above the office and it was called the same thing as the new Wireless access point in the office below the office above. He then told us all about WEP and WPA and IP’s and SUBNET MASKS until we all looked glazed over and said what the hell are you talking about; it is something computer people do all the time talk in gobbledee goo.

It was interesting that the Ghost Writer had to be in Brecon at 11:00am to meet the Very Clever Man because a man from Brecon had to come to our house at 11:00am to survey the house for the Italian people who are buying the house. Not sure if I said but apparently they are not Italian but lived in Italy, well so they say but all the secret passages and hidden rooms are great for hiding mobsters loot in and stuff like that, after all dad has for years, although that is a secret. AH

It appears the man from Brecon who did the survey was very friendly and liked the house which is a good sign

Both myself and Mercedes spent the day waving our arms about in a demented way and running up and down the street pointing at trees and street lights and going UGGGGGH STREET LIGHT and UGGGGGH TREE. To tell the truth there are only so many times anyone can do that so after four of five hours we chased the dog instead, but the dog told the cats we had lots of food so Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat then chased us until I gave them dinner (it was their eighth dinner of the day by then, so only three more to go).  Mum says this is typical activity for this point in the holiday and by next week we will be lying on the ground pointing at the sky and going UGGGGGH CLOUD. Funnily that is what both me and Mercedes were planning to do tomorrow so we better not now…………. NOT FAIR.

Monday, 22 August 2011

The Dictator, the Itinerant Fish Seller and the Stuffed Seal on the Town Council

The Ghost writer disconnected all the power to our world today so it was very dark and we were all trapped unable to move in the universe of cyberspace.  It is not nice but this happens in the real world Western Society is trapped by electricity and if it all goes off then you lot can do nothing either. It is the way of life, and makes it all the more frustrating that light bulbs don’t last long any more.

Anyway we have power again now so PHEW; the Ghost Writer told us he was very sorry but he has promised to fix yet another computer and was running out of power points so he pulled a whole load of things out to make way for the new stuff. Including us much to the annoyance of mum and dad, so mum has thrown the armadillo toaster at him as it is still unplugged.

Nelson Beelzebub has popped in to see us he says he is OK in the dark and has been listening to the wireless and making sure his paperwork is all up to date on a certain Middle East Leader and dictator or soon to be an EX-leader as he says the human race really do seen to be making a right pigs ear of things. Funnily I have noticed the human race never make a left pig’s ear, maybe this is to do with the fact most people are right handed and bacon is right tasty. Mum said IDIOT again.

On the subject of food the police have sent a warning out by email to the people of Powys to say avoid an Itinerant Fish Seller and we must be extra careful of him and his fish. Not sure what they might do but maybe he keeps you talking while the fish nicks things from the house by scaling the walls HA AHA HAAA HA HA HA.

Anyway we are all taking a walk down to the woods to talk to the Dark Creature of the Undergrowth, the Banshee’s, The Dodos and the Lemmings now that Jim has departed for Hollywood.

 One very strange thing me and Mercedes did see in Montgomery today before someone blacked out all the lights (mentioning no names) was a five foot long glass case, with a stuffed baby seal in it that was about four foot long. And although these things are common in Nelson Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop it is rare to see two men wondering across the road with one, and taking it into the Town Hall. Still Montgomery can be like that sometimes.  Maybe it has been co-opted onto the town council apparently they have some sort of official seal they use on documents, so this might be a replacement.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

A quite day of departures by Film People, Pirate People, Hamsters and Spies

It has been a quite day of departures as we approach the last couple of weeks of the School holidays when much will change and yet much will stay the same. who can tell

Today has seen the departure of Jim back to Hollywood everyone waved and said Cheerio and hopes all would go well with the new movie. He has transported his Hamsters to perform in Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, Where Jim thinks their Elvis tap dancing routine will make him millions. I asked Jim about his parents as they never came over but he says they made the mistake of sunbathing by the pool during the Alligators exercise time and although he did all he could to help it was difficult to operate the camera and save them. But the resulting film clips were used to great success to promote the Alligators in Hollywood movie and he says his parents will be on film for ever.        

Miss Fionaski is also flying off on her next mission having had all the evidence and finger prints in her kitchen entirely painted over by one of her agents working under cover (dust covers I think).

Pirate Pete is also away today to sail the seven seas on a new epic adventure with his new sidekick Rusty the Robot Dog who has been made water tight and has been given Buoyancy. Pirate Pete thinks Rusty the Robot Dog will be a good sidekick as he has six legs and all their eight legs are steam powered. Mercedes will be returning to the Great Metropolis soon but her dad Mr Pickup is saying it is tough being a city banker in the city because the masses don’t like city bankers much. He said even the Chauffer shouted at him when he explained to him that his (the Chauffer’s) pension fund was now only worth £1:00 a day due to a slight error by Mr Pickups Investment company. 

........................................................................ A bit Later in time after some food and stuff

I think I have writers block yet again, and it is really not a good time to get it is it. I feel my diary has lost is witty edge and excitement maybe it is just too long. No too long is the wrong description, it is too thick just too many pages although it would be possible to use tiny tiny print if it were not for the fact the Ghost Writer is as blind as a bat even with his glasses on. And if it was printed big enough for him to read it would be 3000 pages long and a book binder’s nightmare.

You don’t get book binders much these days, but then you don’t get books like the oldie world real books with gold embossed lettering on the cover and leather on the side bit. I think as and when or if the book is published I will insist on a properly made limited edition with illuminated (? I think that’s right) letters and illustrations so it looked like an old Victorian diary. That would be very cool indeed.

Another thing that has gone down hill in quality in recent years is light bulbs, mum and dad say in the old days before we had 300 different types of fitting and it was just a big bayonet fitting a light bulb could last a year sometimes longer. These days they sometimes last a month, a week or even less. Even the expensive low energy light bulbs do not seem to last any longer which all of us think rather defeats the object, bearing in mind the extra energy and cost making them and then buying them.

Anyway I am working through the writers block ASAP so with luck I will be OK tomorrow. Sorry for all the rubbish in-between the good bits.   

Harry Potter and the Deathly Holdall .......... Part One

I finally sat and watched part one of Harry Potter and the Deadly Holdall and I really don’t want to sound all bitter and twisted because Harry Potter has made loads of money from books and films and I am merely a manuscript from the mind of a mad bloke. But well it was rubbish, what has happened to him, Lighten up Harry for Gods sake. I am almost put off the thought of watching the last one.

Lets face it in terms of plot it is a bit thin …… Man finds necklace, man gets grumpy, man breaks necklace, man has a bit of agro along the way. Baddy acts like baddy through out film while walk on extras are zapped. All in total gloom. As mum says the evil darkness of money, greed and power etc exists in the real world not just fiction and cyberspace and poor old Harry has forgotten that. So his tale has been stretched out to squeeze every last penny out of him. Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat have run off now just in case.  Talking of cases what happened to the Deathly Holdall……… Mum just said IDIOT

Fiona Knight                Harry Potter? I would rather watch paint dry, which I did yesterday and not much happens when you do, but a lot happens in The Last Airbender, which is a much better film, as for the Deathly Holdall, it's all packed and includes 10 wooden pegs, which I cannot elaborate upon right now, but will let you know about after my voyage to the lunar landscape....Adios Senor Rob, hasta pronto.

Saturday, 20 August 2011

the carnival in Montgomery, the Chicken and the Spy

I have always worried about repeating myself in my diary but ironically because it has been going for a whole year now (If you are reading the blog then you have missed the first six months) real life is now starting to repeat itself in reality. It is Montgomery Show and carnival today I got to see the carnival but not the show, after last year  they said AAAAuuuuuugggHHHHHHH at the gate and refused to let me in.

It was only a flesh wound and he recovered fine and the bouncy castle was eventually repaired I think. Still the number of floats seems to get fewer each year, these old small town traditions are dying out. And although there is still much interest in the biggest cucumber, the longest carrot and the largest number of potatoes grown in a bucket, sadly I think the days of such things are numbered.

I did take one photo at the carnival but it was not the carnival it was a really cool sixties era Mercedes Benz. Mercedes (my friend from London) of course is named after Mercedes (the car) so she thought it was very cool indeed. But it was not in the carnival parade which was a shame it should have been.

Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy came to see us today she was delivering chocolate chip cookie biscuits for the Ghost Writers birthday on the 29th August, She is away on a mission so had to deliver them today. She was telling us that she had to spend ages looking for three white chickens earlier and one of them has changed into a cockerel after it was subjected to events which apparently must remain secret.   

Jim and the Film crew are packing to return to Hollywood to edit the movie and splice in the hero and an alien trapped on earth, Pirate Pete and Captain Flint the Parrot were shouting Splice the main Brace HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR ……….. HAR HAR. I think that is sort of the right idea but wrong and as Jim said its all done digitally using computers now. Captain Flint the Parrot threw Brazil nuts at Jim and said You’re just a modern trendy capitalist……….rubbish. Much to the satisfaction of Mercedes (the Girl not the Car) who threw a few extra Brazil nuts when Jim was distracted by Pirate Pete splicing rope together and Abseiling  out through a window onto the top of the film crews truck. He has heard rumour they may have chocolate coated bacon in the van to remind them of home, they are not good with porridge with a pinch of salt first thing in the morning.  

My very good friend Ian the Musical Hat Maker, rock star and all round nice bloke

Friday, 19 August 2011

The book that weighs twice the weight of a Harry Potter book

We were all hopeful of book one ending in a glorious battle in the woods between furry, spiky slithery, scaly and jumpy things but Jim says he has all the film he needs for the movie and they plan to use computer generated animation to fill in the missing bits. Like the Dark Creature of the Undergrowth as it was too dark to film, and the Banshees because they kept waving and shouting HELLO MUM.

The Lemmings and the Russian Hamsters are celebrating a victory for the old style left wing they say it has been a long time in coming as everyone has been seduced by all the capitalist propaganda and sparkly stuff like MP3 players, designer label clothing, blue ray rubbish and iphones etc. Me and Mercedes have decided not to tell them that Jim is going because he is going. The Lemmings are planning to commission a huge bronze for the centre of the wood simply called LEMMING. Well as dad says its been a long time since anyone commissioned a LEMMING bronze. Mum said IDIOT, not sure why but according to the dog there are loads of Bronzes of the LEMMING abandoned in the woods of Russia and it might be cheaper for the Lemmings to just import one of those.

The Ghost Writer was telling us he was off doing a good deed today but as is the way with good deeds it didn’t work out as planned; and so after the entire day working away he found himself right back where he started. Which means the poor old person he was helping said O DEAR NEVER MIND but found themselves  back in the middle of a complex maze of complex stuff scratching their head a lot. The Ghost Writer thinks he is loosing the plot (well that’s not new) because IT never gets the better of him and it has twice in a week now. I have pointed out he is also a Ghost Writer and that Harry Potter wrote seven books before he packed it in. The Ghost Writer says *********** that ********* Harry ******* Potter ************* and his ************* wand. ON the bright side however our book one weighs at least twice as much as his does and has at least three hundred more plots in it, and it works in real time (when I say real I refer to the clock only)………  

Thursday, 18 August 2011

The revolutionary Lemmings of Petrograd, holding the moral high ground

The Ghost Writer is in our kitchen and has turned into a gibbering demented loony again he has been in the other grey office in Brecon and says he has had his mind scrambled by IT and network protocol which started to go right over his head. That sounds really cool to me a bit like The Matrix. But the Ghost Writer said it’s not that exciting.

I have been back in the woods again with the dog and Pirate Pete, the woods are at present in a state of flux (a bit like the Ghost Writers head really). Mercedes has barricaded herself up on the moral high ground with a large selection of animals that are all apposed to the commercial exploitation of their life in the woods by Jim and his film crew. While Jim and an interesting collection of star struck animals that have negotiated deals with Jim and have talking parts have Mercedes and her band of followers surrounded. 

Mercedes said at least while she holds the moral high ground the Lemmings have finally come in rather useful as they are now leaping on the unsuspecting animals below. Although it can be a bit messy when they leap onto the Porcupines, and despite her warning the Lemmings several times she says they are a law onto themselves. Me and the Dog did say this is what happens if you try and hold the moral high ground with a Lemming but Mercedes said we were IDIOTS. Me and the dog think the IDIOTS thing is maybe a gender orientated thing; we have noticed it is predominantly women calling men IDIOTS and of course men are not IDIOTS are they.

One of the elderly Lemmings was telling me and the dog they are proud Russian Lemmings descended from the revolutionary Lemmings of Petrograd and whose triumphal battle of 1918 was celebrated with the renaming of Petrograd in 1924 to Lemmingrad. So they are confident in their victory in the Woods over the forces of cheap commercial wildlife films and he (Bob the Lemming) is hoping one day we will return to the epic eight hour workers revolutionary information movies of early Russia. A bit like the complete opposite of a Bollywood movie, I am not sure Mercedes has entirely thought this through yet even the dog says he might go and watch Jims film instead.   

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

The waterfall and the ladder

Chris the Builder came to see us today to sort out a problem with the hot water system, Dad said typical that after 15 years a problem happens when someone actually buys the house. It was only a little problem; well it was until I gave Chris the Builder the bucket with the hole in to drain the water into so that we had this really cool looking waterfall in the kitchen. Mum said IDIOT I think she meant me not Chris the Builder.

I blame dad he has a habit of keeping buckets with holes in and says they might come in useful one day, mum said he was an IDIOT too but if we do ever need a bucket with a hole in we have loads of them. I know that because I had to find one with no holes in and it took ages. Mum then said I had to mop up the waterfall so I was very busy for quite a while and it didn’t help having the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog standing under a umbrella saying you missed a bit all the time and pointing.

Anyway it all turned out OK in the end and everything is working just as it is meant too now and Chris the Builder ran off with a pair of Puffins that came from Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop for his wife. The have just returned from an island which had puffins on it and he said they kept walking over him which the warden said was very unusual, but puffins can be very friendly to builders. It has something to do with the fact that they both peer down holes in the ground a lot and shake their heads.

Mum and dad said as a penance I had to weed the big rock face in the garden so I was at the top of a ladder swaying about trying to attack the weeds. Normally climbing about on rock faces and up ladders is easy-peazy but the ladder had to be in the muddy pond to reach the rock face so was not exactly very stable. The dog and Rusty had a five pound bet on which way I would fall but I didn’t so they were a bit disappointed but nether of them lost any money so they were happy until mum told them off for gambling. At which point they both had to hand their five pounds over to dad because he bet them mum would tell them off for gambling, but mum hit dad with the armadillo toaster and confiscated the ten pounds from dad saying Gambling does not pay. Everyone else disagreed with that because mum was ten pounds better off as a result of gambling and she didn’t even have to place a bet, but mum said IDIOTS to everyone then. Dad tried to place a bet on mum saying that but everyone said it was a dead cert so no one would take his bet. Although somehow Captain Flint the Parrot managed to win a weeks supply of Brazil nuts from the one of Jims film crew on the very same bet. 

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

communist Russia and China and Uncle Franks revolutionary march of 1974

It has been one of those non days yet again this is not good near the end of book one. But it’s what happens in real life, it has moments like that. Quite a lot of moments like that as it happens. One thing I have learnt from the Ghost Writer is that exciting lives are not exciting all the time and some perceived exciting lives are actually somewhat pedestrian. Particularly if you are in fact a pedestrian.

Mercedes has spent the day in the woods leading a protest group against Jims filming. The group which mainly consists of a rag-tag collection of slightly uninteresting mammals are demanding equal rights in the docu-film and say it is unfair that the vast majority of their appearances so far have been as dinner for something a bit bigger; or more interesting.  She has been a little disappointed so far by the lemmings who she said seem to follow anything and who stupidly followed a rock over the edge of the cliff face. Jim said if was great action movie material all the little lemming clutching their protest banners and screaming as they fell into the abyss. Which was entirely the opposite effect of what Mercedes wanted?

 Mum has explained to Mercedes that left wing politics is full of such dilemmas and the idealist principles of left wing philosophy always go wrong for some reason, history is full of such events from the early days of communist Russia and China to the commune society of the sixties etc, to Uncle Franks revolutionary march on the tea shop in 1974 which ended in broken tea pots and Uncle Frank’s picture on the front page of the national newspapers wearing only an old university tie. Uncle Frank still insists on showing it to the nurses at the home

Pirate Pete is collecting together all his belonging for his new epic adventure at sea and we have had a message that a Pirate ship has anchored in the bay by the Spy Glass Inn on the island in the lake in the park in town. if by any chance you are thinking where, what etc, it’s a long story and best if you return to page one of the book again and take notes. To tell the truth I should have done that as I really don’t know what’s going on anymore, which is what the Ghost Writer says when he returns from his grey office. 

Monday, 15 August 2011

Four hundred and eight mummified debutantes

Napoleon Beelzebub has had a request for a dozen mummified debutantes in a strange day glow fake orange tan colour wearing prom dresses in bright pink and purple sequins. Luckily Mum said that there was a big fashion show in the NEC that started yesterday which was the perfect place to find them. So we all went off to Birmingham and the NEC to find them. Mr Beelzebub said he better stay at the shop because he finds fashion shows very depressing particularly the underwear catwalk show (he was right YUK)

It was like the old saying “you don’t see a mummified debutant in a strange day glow fake orange tan colour wearing a prom dress in bright pink and purple sequins for ages and them four hundred and eight all come along at the same time”. As it happens this was quite convenient and Pirate Pete and the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog threw at least twenty in the back of the van. And although we did not need that many Pirate Pete said he might take one or two with him when he sets sail in the next few days. He said mummified debutants make great crew and brighten up the dullest of days with all that colour and stuff.

Anyway we are all off yet again tonight to celebrate Big Bill’s (of Big Bills Greasy Fur ball Café fame) birthday at a secret location which is located in a secret place, which means it really hard to find because it’s secret. Mum just said IDIOT that’s not fair she is the one who told me it was a secret; OK she just said it was a secret until I emailed Big Bill and asked him about the secret. Mum has said IDIOT again.

Today is a very special day because one year ago today is the first official day of my diary as a manuscript, a lot has happened since then and I now spell better (that’s spell as in words not as in Harry Potter waving a stick about). The dog and mum are saying my spelling is rubbish even now and it is a wonder the Ukrainians and other nationalities that do read the diary can make any sense of it. No one told me it had to make sense.

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Harley Davidson’s, the Sabre Toothed Tiger and Che Guevara

Me and Jim and Mercedes went off to look at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very strange Victorian Curiosity Shop in fact he had a busy day because both Miss Fionaski  the famous Russian spy and a big group of bikers from one of the Hells Angels chapters up in the North of England also came to visit Mr Beelzebub.

I was able to take some photos of the bikes they were really cool Harley Davidson’s although some of them must take a lot of polishing as there was loads of chrome on most of them. It is funny because a lot of people thought they were going to be nasty (the bikers not the bikes) but they were all very nice people and said they had all ridden down from Nottingham and had come to Montgomery for a walk round the castle and a nice cup of tea and a cream cake and to say hello to Mr Beelzebub before they all went home.

the best of the bike pictures I took today

Jim and his film crew went to Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very strange Victorian Curiosity Shop to see if he had any stuffed animals because all curiosity shops usually do. They were a bit surprised by the Woolly Mammoth, Sabre Toothed Tiger, Giant Sloth and several Dinosaurs etc but the Mr Beelzebub’s shop has everything in it somewhere although he is not great at cataloguing stuff as he says the devil makes work for idol hands but as he is the devil he is allowed to be a bit idol and as he also points out in some Countries they even make idols of him although he says it makes no difference its all in the mind at the end of the day (or was it the end of time).

Mercedes was interested in some left wing propaganda but was a bit confused as Mr Beelzebub showed her a half scale model of the Taj Mahal made with copies of Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book, this confused Mercedes a bit and she was going to say IDIOT but I did tell her Nelson Beelzebub is not really the right person to say that too. Mr Beelzebub just smiled and showed Mercedes and the Bikers Che Guevara's motorbike from his 1952 trip across South America, now restored to mint condition.  After all that we all set off home and finished the day at a strange party eating cake and cheese and talking about the BBC. 

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Captain Nessman of the High Seas, and Mercedes and the Financial Times

After seeing Auntie Karen and Ian the Musical Hat Maker yesterday I was pleased to hear from Captain Nessman of the High Seas he is doing extremely well. Although it was a short message and he said he was learning Chinese and his plans are all going as planned which is what is meant to happen with plans. He is in a new world although I am not sure where it is.  

Back in Montgomery I have been sat on top of the big hedge again cutting it, in fact I had several pallets on the top so I could walk up and down to cut the edges, Mercedes could see me on top of the hedge from Mr Jenkins side of the hedge so she came round and helped by cutting the lawn saying that the workers must maintain unity in the face of creeping corporate capitalism (I don’t think that was a reference to the hedge growing). It did not help that both the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog were sat in deckchairs watching us while reading the Financial Times and texting Mercedes’s dad about stocks and shares and investment portfolio’s.  In the end Mercedes ran over the Financial Times with the lawn mower and called the dogs Capitalist ************ dogs to which they said WOOF and fell about laughing. Mercedes said they were IDIOTS.

After Captain Nessman being in contact and the comments yesterday about a deceased budgie Pirate Pete is pining for the fjords and told us all he plans to return to sea and new adventures somewhere in volume two of my diary. Captain Flint the Parrot is complaining now he says that the references to a deceased parrot are in bad taste and we should have used the spam sketch.

Jim is still exploring the woods with his film crew although apparently several more of them have been eaten; Jim blames the mix up on Transatlantic English Language and the wildlife in the wood appears to all speak old English and for some reason don’t like him and the film crew. It does not help that the film crew have taken to driving about in the Hummer again because they find the woods scary. Mercedes has said Jim has turned into a brash Hollywood Capitalist ********* and says he is an IDIOT. Mum says she likes Mercedes and agrees that Jim is an IDIOT although the dog has pointed out he has very talented Hamsters.  

Friday, 12 August 2011

Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Cafe, plagiarism and the budgerigar’s big cage.

It has been another full day which has resulted in yet another late diary entry in the diary have you noticed I very often use a word twice when there is no need to use it twice. But this is a distraction from the day. After a busy morning removing loads of rubbish from dads car so he can refill it with different rubbish I spent a while up a ladder trying to cut the top of a big hedge.

It is a very big hedge as it happens about twelve feet high and six feet wide but we have a really clever machine that will cut a hedge that big which dad claimed he invented but I am not sure, as it says made in China on it. And I don’t think any of dads inventions are likely to end up in mass production. Not sure why they call it mass production after all I have never heard of anything being made in large volumes in a church during the morning service except milky instant coffee. YUK

After lunch and other stuff Auntie Karen and Mr Ian the Musical Hat Maker and Famous rock Legend from the late sixties and early seventies came to see us.  Auntie Karen stayed and told us interesting tales of life in Wales and various encounters with the obstacles of life, while Mr Ian went off to tune a piano that was making strange discordant noises near the cricket pitch. I have to admit I am not a fan of cricket so this is why it is seldom ever mentioned. But out of tune piano’s and cricket pitches are an unstable and volatile mix, which is why Mr Ian had to resolve the issue by tuning the piano.

Auntie Karen has a posh new eco car which is very shiny red, she had to buy a new one because Mr Ian accidently dropped the budgerigar’s big cage on the roof of the old car when it was in the garage and it crushed the car. The budgie was not in the cage at the time it had sadly died a few years ago so it was a deceased budgie, bereft of life it had gone off to meet its maker, it was sadly no more… Dead. Mum has just said IDIOT and accused me of plagiarism NOT FAIR after all it was a blue budgie and was from Norway. I think Auntie Karen said it was eaten by a huge Black goldfish but maybe that was something else.

Anyway Auntie Karen and Ian the Musical Hat Maker, famous rock star and all round nice bloke went home and we all went to Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café and ate Fish and Mulberry pie with cream (not at the same time by the way, well OK the dog did) then it got dark and then we came home and then I wrote my diary (OK writing my diary). The end (Well not the end just the end of the diary entry only it is not, this is). Mum just said IDIOT again so that messed that end up too so now this is the end PHEW

Thursday, 11 August 2011

The mass hysteria of looters, Poundland and truffle hunting

Dads friend Benny Neckbender came to see dad today; he is very upset about the looting in all the big cities and was complaining that it is difficult enough for a decent honest criminal to make a living in the present economical climate without a lot of teenage gangs in a state of mass hysteria running about nicking everything and anything and smashing up all the shops.
 In the old days he could go to the pub and quietly flog a nice 48inch Plasma television for a few readies to a man from the market who would have a friend who would shift it about a bit and everyone was happy. Today he was visiting a man about a dog up in the smoke (The Great Metropolis) and they walked past a skip full of Plasma televisions that no one wanted. And he said they even looted Poundland? He was well unhappy with that he said it gives crime a bad name when people loot places like Poundland, he said even shop lifters sneak things back in and leave them on the display shelf having removed them from their poor old mums flat, because she is 93 and has lost the plot. Apparently mad little old ladies who have lost the plot like to buy stuff in Poundland for a pound, and were it not for the fact the CCTV showed gangs of youth running up and down the road Benny would have been convinced it was a gang of grannies that looted the shop chain.

Jim went to the woods today as the dog had offered to act as a sniffer dog and show him things and animals that no one has seen before, but for substantial fee up front in cash. I’m sure Jim would never have fallen into that trap in the old days, but he is very focused on his wildlife movie. They were away until quite late and the dog came back very bouncy and happy, he said he found some really scary things that no one had ever seen before and that some of them even ate one of the film crew when Jim tried to do a close up shot to show how big their teeth were. Jim said it was not nice but great action for the movie.

Me, Mercedes and Rusty the Robot Dog spent the day in the park trying find truffles, I did suggest the sweet shop but Mercedes said IDIOT; At least is was not mum. Sadly Rusty the Robot Dog might be able to speak Latin but his ability at finding truffles is rubbish although he did find twenty five pounds worth of scrap copper pipe. He said it was scrap, although the huge plume of water in the ornamental garden was not there when we arrived, so we left then sort of quickly and went home via the scrap yard. Benny said NICE and has asked to borrow Rusty.  

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

A very sticky dilemma, a paradox, and the job centre

Today I have been caught in a dilemma, a very sticky dilemma and because it was sticky it took all day to get out of. It was all Jims fault he insisted I lead his film crew into the woods to film the Dark Creature of the Undergrowth which we eventually found on the far side of the wood in a part of the wood I have not been in before (it’s a long way away). Then in all the dark we all fell into the dilemma.

I think The dark Creature of the Undergrowth thought it was quite amusing and the dog certainly did he was rolling about in hysterics for ages pointing at various members of Jims crew and laughing as they got deeper into it.

It was quite a large crew as we used native bearers to carry all the equipment like they used to do in the old jungle movies like Tarzan. Only in the old days the natives wore strange local costume and all looked very odd, but this is rural Mid-Wales so the natives were sort of different and were all wearing strange local costume and looked very odd AH, so it was just like the old movies then. Anyway as a result of the sticky dilemma half the bearers were lost in a bit of a paradox and will never be seen again. Much like Star Trek however they are not important members of the story and expendable. Jim says he will get more tomorrow at the unemployment exchange (now called the job centre and which paradoxically has no jobs to offer anyone) as in these hard economic times bearers are cheap and disposable. Mercedes says Jim is starting to sound just like her dad and his friends, the city bankers, which is why she became a rebellious punk and plays Billy Bragg in her bedroom very loudly.

The Ghost Writer himself has had problems and has been on a long trip too trying to sort out huge IT issues and said he had to speak to the IT guru on the end of the phone known as Sarah The Wise who knows all (well loads about IT anyway). The Ghost Writer also got caught up in the sticky dilemma because we both found that time was running out, the day vanishing as we watched it on our watches and it has been a real struggle to get back to my diary in time to write my diary. This can happen according to mum, the dog said use rollers skates but mum said the dog was an IDIOT, not really true he is very clever but sometimes he does act like a dog.  

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

The Ghost of Steven Spielberg playing the bagpipes and three feet long Cock Roaches.

There have been riots in London the last couple of nights with looting and burning down homes and businesses for what appears to be no rational reason what so ever. Therefore it is nice to live in the environment we do. Only last night due to a strange and quirky coincidence it was not quiet and we all had to stuff cotton wool in our ears, even Rusty.

About one o’clock in the morning we were all woken up by the strange sound of a ghost playing the bagpipes very badly indeed, at first we all thought it was The Ghost of Steven Spielberg. Rumour does have it the he is rubbish at playing the bagpipes; dad even threatened to go and sort him out and suck him up in the vacuum cleaner. In the end however it turned out to be a burglar alarm which had gone faulty and was screaming at us all. So instead of the quiet night in the rural hills of Welsh cyberspace it was noise noise noise and not a single riot within one hundred miles. Mum and dad think it was the burglar alarms farewell lament to them before we hopefully all move house in time for the seagull; sorry I mean sequel book movie etc.

This morning a man came and put a box full of padding over the alarm because having taken the fuse out and disconnected all the power it was still screaming at us. Then about half an hour later another man came and put a bigger box full of sound insulation over the first box full of sound insulation but it was still very noisy. Mum did say burglar alarms are designed to keep going whatever, or else burglars would be able to deactivate them which would defeat the reason for having it in the first place. This is fine until it all goes wrong and a man has to come from a long way away. He did in the end but PHEW it was a noisy day.

Nelson Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop does not have a burglar alarm, he has three feet long Cock Roaches who are allowed to eat burglar’s and shop lifters as long as they don’t leave bits of limb lying about. I went to see him this afternoon and I did find a leg so he was a little annoyed, we think it might have been a looter because there was a plasma television lying next to the leg, that was made by John Logie Baird in 1925 (the television not the leg).

Anyway everything is very peaceful again now because everyone is tired and the alarm is quiet again as for the riots who can tell it is still sunny and to tell the truth we were not expecting riots in my diary until the first night of the Block buster movie when everyone will be trying to get in to see it. Mum just said IDIOT again, I have warned her it might become her catch phrase but she has made a rude gesture, that will have to be left out, as this is a family movie.

Monday, 8 August 2011

Steampunk and the fickle flame of fame followed by a yellow Hummer

Myself, Mercedes and Jim or as he likes to be known now Alligator Jim all went off to the woods so Jim can decide what he wants to film; and chat with a few of the animals that he knew before he went to the USA. Jim suggested that we all dress appropriately so Mercedes because she is now a punk, dressed as a punk and I dressed as a steampunk because it is sort of a steampunk diary (A bit) and it also looks cool.

Jim arrived in pink red and yellow Bermuda shorts and a green and red floral shirt with big roses on and blue Gecko’s and Alligator Jim embossed in gold on the back. Apparently it is his Hollywood safari outfit and very popular on his wildlife show on Channel Five during primetime viewing. The dog and Rusty the Robot Dog both fell about laughing and Captain Flint the Parrot said ******** ******** what the ****** is Jim wearing ********* hell. Mum put a cover over its cage and Jim complained that the parrot had ruined the sound recording already and he would have to start again.

Mercedes was a bit disappointed because she thought Jim was a bit cool before he went off to Hollywood but the dog said fame is a fickle flame and can sometimes burn the very thing it lights up. The Ghost writer said he will take his chances but mum has told him he is an IDIOT. The dog ran away at that point to find out if his quote was original and copywrite it.

In the woods Jim wanted to see the Banshee’s and The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth but we were unable to find them which is unusual and when Jim found his old friend the Dodo’s they screamed bit his hand and ran away. It was a shock for Jim it is the first time anything has bitten him, I was able to track down the Dodo’s and it appears Jims outfit has scared everything away that and a film crew in a big Yellow American Hummer following us through the woods and the helicopter swooping low over us to take close up action shots.

I have told Jim British woods are not like Hollywood woods and it is best to wear khaki and use a film man on foot creeping through the brambles. So we returned home, well to Mr Jenkins House although Mr Jenkins says the Hummer has ruined his drive and lawn and Fluffy the cat is missing. Mercedes and I think Jim has lost his knack with animals although his hamsters are to appear in his next series doing ice-skating acrobatics, as they have always wanted to go to Hollywood and were a bit unset themselves when left back in the UK with the late departed (eaten) Mr and Mr Fairbanks.

Mum thinks my diary is getting completely stupid in a desperate attempt to end it in a few weeks time in suspense so that you will all rush out to buy volume two and is muttering things in the background. I definitely heard the word IDIOTS.