A look back to events three years ago. . . .Things change

Today I have managed to draw a picture but have not had time to write a single word for the blog so to get round this terrible event I have decided to repost the events from my diary from the 16th August 2011. A time when it was not read much and I still lived with the Dream that the very nice Steven Spielberg might turn up. This was before the very nice Steven Spielberg dashed my hopes against the sharp rocks of disappointment and stabbed me with the pointy sticks of failure and obscurity.  . . . . . . It's OK I bounce back everytime much to the annoyance of the very nice Steven Spielberg.

It has been one of those non days yet again this is not good near the end of book one. But it’s what happens in real life, it has moments like that. Quite a lot of moments like that as it happens. One thing I have learnt from the Ghost Writer is that exciting lives are not exciting all the time and some perceived exciting lives are actually somewhat pedestrian. Particularly if you are in fact a pedestrian.

Mercedes has spent the day in the woods leading a protest group against Jims filming. The group which mainly consists of a rag-tag collection of slightly uninteresting mammals are demanding equal rights in the docu-film and say it is unfair that the vast majority of their appearances so far have been as dinner for something a bit bigger; or more interesting.  She has been a little disappointed so far by the lemmings who she said seem to follow anything and who stupidly followed a rock over the edge of the cliff face. Jim said if was great action movie material all the little lemming clutching their protest banners and screaming as they fell into the abyss. Which was entirely the opposite effect of what Mercedes wanted?

 Mum has explained to Mercedes that left wing politics is full of such dilemmas and the idealist principles of left wing philosophy always go wrong for some reason, history is full of such events from the early days of communist Russia and China to the commune society of the sixties etc, to Uncle Franks revolutionary march on the tea shop in 1974 which ended in broken tea pots and Uncle Frank’s picture on the front page of the national newspapers wearing only an old university tie. Uncle Frank still insists on showing it to the nurses at the home

Pirate Pete is collecting together all his belonging for his new epic adventure at sea and we have had a message that a Pirate ship has anchored in the bay by the Spy Glass Inn on the island in the lake in the park in town. if by any chance you are thinking where, what etc, it’s a long story and best if you return to page one of the book again and take notes. To tell the truth I should have done that as I really don’t know what’s going on anymore, which is what the Ghost Writer says when he returns from his grey office. 



Back to now

Sorry half of you are well confused now but three years is a long time stuff happens.

The very nice Steven Spielberg, The Weather Machine, Peanut Brittle and Pigeons

As the long term followers of my diary will know the very nice Steven Spielberg has given many words of advice such as “ROB you’re an IDIOT”,  and “GO AWAY”.  All very useful as we are still hopeful that the blockbuster movie of The Diary of Rob Z Tobor based on the best selling book will be Mr Steven Spielberg’s first slightly eccentric Art Movie. However I have been advised by the film company that it is time for the sad loss a key player.

So at school today the school mascot the Goat was being loaded into his travelling crate heading to his summer retreat led in by Esmeralda who he has learnt to trust this year, when there was a slip and before anyone could react it was too late. Yes the goat had eaten part of Esmeralda when she slipped in the mud. An ambulance was called and they have rushed her to hospital but it does not look good, the goat is a fast eater.  The Ambulance men are as I write having counselling as they don’t have to deal with people eaten by goats very often.

I was not there myself I was trying to convince the maths teacher that although we are on our last few days of the school year, he really should not be singing and dancing on his desk and making rude gestures at the pupils, after all we will all be back next year…… OK Esmeralda might not, well not all of her anyway.  Dad has said if she pulls through he will makes some steam powered parts for her much like he did for Pirate Pete.  And if she likes she can have six legs like Rusty the Dog.

The Headmaster is rather upset he says he has had enough agro dealing with the sacrificial sacrifice of a pupil to the goat, so the school goat eating two pupils in one term will be frowned on and bring back the school inspectors. So he has knobbed the school accident book and told us all to say it was a flock of pigeons heading south for the winter and Esmeralda had unfortunately been making peanut brittle in the cookery class. Well it is true Esmeralda is/was always a messy cook and that peanut brittle can get everywhere and it is certainly true pigeons love peanuts.

It also appears a mysterious man has offered dad loads of money if he makes his weather machine insure that the weather is sunny during the Olympics and has offered dad 50% of the profits from unsold Olympic tickets and said it will be looked on very favourably by certain people in certain places, and certain MI6 files will vanish nudge nudge….. I did think I should warn the mysterious man that dad’s weather machine is rubbish. But dad says if all goes well he will be able to sell them for loads and say ‘As used to manipulate the Olympic weather, recommended by a Mr Coo (sorry that’s the pigeons I mean Coe)”.  And he will be able to put Olympic rings on his weather machines and a picture of Elvis?

Oooooo I had Jumbo Haddock for tea ………. JUMBO……. Is someone manipulating trading standards. I know they say fish stocks are getting a bit low but there are bigger newts in our pond……. I had to eat two jumbo haddock not a newt. 

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The capitalist pig and the eco warrior and a Ukulele Banjo and the Saxophone

Pancake Tuesday was the 8^th March last year so this year it is a bit earlier. And it is always worth having a little look back in time to see what happened. Well as you might expect me and the dog ate lots of pancakes but Pirate Pete stuck to his Ships biscuits with the weevils in. When I say stuck I am not referring to glued to his biscuit, none of us like to be glued to a biscuit full of weevils. And Auntie Karen tried to burn down the school although as she said at the time it was lovely and sunny so no one minded too much.

I refer back to these events because this year it is sort of grey and the International Space Station (nudge nudge wink wink) is low flying over head every night, although tonight it was not possible to see it due to low cloud. But we have eaten loads of pancakes, well most of us have as Sooty the Cat wanted Squirrel pancakes and we were all out of Squirrel as the local ones have sussed the cats, and so far have escaped capture (just).

I don’t think Auntie Karen has set fire to anything this year and is giving up the world of knowledge to concentrate on playing the Ukulele Banjo and the Saxophone and perfecting the art of juggling both at the same time while playing that old favourite of my blog and the squirrels Tip Toe Through The Tulips. Auntie Karen has told us she plans to pursue a new career as one of the idol rich, although mum says there is one small error in Auntie Karen’s plan. I tried to ask what this error was but mum said IDIOT ……….. that’s NOT FAIR.

Talking of NOT FAIR the Ghost Writer has said this several times today as he has to go to Brecon tomorrow to look at the Trogon Horse in cyberspace, which he says is the wrong side of the firewall. Well that is Trogon horses for you. As the old saying goes “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth and so on”. That’s the thing with horses you can’t trust them I am sure it was that horse that ruined my opportunity of making the blockbuster movie with the nice Steven Spielberg. He kept whispering in Mr Spielberg’s ear HAY HAY OVER HERE and then the next thing you know the bloody horse is a celeb.     

School is ticking along as school should, but I did get to pick the lock to the headmasters office as he had left his keys at home and was trying to kick the door down. I then had to pick the lock to the exam filing cabinet and the school safe. Esmeralda was well impressed and wants me to show her how to do stuff like that, but after the incident with the history teacher’s car when I showed Esmeralda how to hot wire one of those new Jaguars I think it might be best if I don’t.

I am sure something else happened today but I can’t remember.

Oooo yes dad has got his solar panels forms in the post now to beat the 3^rd March deadline. Mum has called him a capitalist pig but dad says he’s an ECO warrior. 

The very nice Steven Spielberg and the fickleness of fame, two front doors and the body parts under the M6 motorway

It appears we have five backdoor keys, three patio door keys two front door keys, one front door two key and a Wood Pigeon in the pear tree HA HA HA Hah hah ah hah hah hah ahahah hahah hahahh OK mum said IDIOT.  As it happens there are also keys to things we can’t find yet (WELL COOL), one must assume they will involve treasure and adventure, which is a fair and logical assumption.

The cats arrived back this morning and are exploring and eating (mainly eating really), and are confined to the house until Wednesday morning in order that they have time to work out that home is home. The dog says it’s all down to the fact that cats can not read or speak Latin, or even use a simple navigational aid such as the sat-nav. I have to admit even Captain Flint the Parrot can use the sat-nav, although as he says they don’t always take you to the right place.

It appears the Great Captain Nessman of the High Seas have set off on another adventure on the high seas. He does this, a blink of the eye and off he goes it is what pirates do. All we can do is hope all is well and he will return soon

Ian the musical Hat Maker is recovering well from his knee operation, but what I want to know is when they replace your old knackered knees with new bionic knees what do they do with the old knees. According to Pirate Pete the Pirate and some of his mates who also have, bits missing they are all used as hardcore under the M6 which is why they are always repairing motorways. Burying the new batch of body parts. The so called spaghetti Junction was nicknamed as such, because it is full of bits of intestine, which ironically, are usually full of spaghetti (it also explains the shape…… as in the junction not the intestine). 

Right back to events here; you will have noticed I mentioned front door two, yes when you open the front door and come in you are met with another front door it even has a door bell, so in order to ring the door bell at the front door you need to open the other front door. Now you are all thinking WHAT, but it is quirky and as we all know quirky is good, in fact quirky is very good and should be the basis of life. I even try to write a quirky diary (now book two of the so far unpublished trilogy) on my quirky keyboard; sorry I mean qwerty keyboard HA HA HA HA HA Hah hah hah ah hhahah hahah haha hah hah hah, mum said IDIOT again. I think I need to find a quirky publisher, and I still haven’t heard from that very nice Steven Spielberg yet, really this fame and fortune lark is well fickle.

Sorry it is not the M6 but well they all look the same really

The haul of Silver Treasure, MI6, The CIA and the secret service. Plus and the grumbling Parrot.

Typical as we head back to school on the school bus, the sun is shining and the sky is blue and it is nice and warm. Although having said that Miss Elaine has said via the miracles of the internet that she is going into hiding as a tornado is due (the windy stuff not the jet fighter ……I think?). The dog always compares such things as this to throwing toast on the floor (Sorry accidently dropping).

The dog and I even tested this by accidently dropping loads of toast on the floor and every single bit landed butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter side down. Mum then shouted at us even though I explained it was an experiment and I ended up with no toast and going to school hungry while the dog ate all the toast with butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter on the floor …… NOT FAIR. Luckily I did hide a few bits in my shirt for lunch time although I was rather sticky and was attacked by wasps at break time. So I had toast with butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter sandwiches with eye pie and pork scratching jelly for pudding, its well yummy especially the crunchy bits.

When I got home the dog, and the Ghost of Steven Spielberg were sun bathing, can a ghost sun bath? Anyway that is a distraction, Captain Flint the Parrot was complaining that someone had found all his silver hidden in his pirate ship at the bottom of the sea and he had given me the treasure map to look after, and now look what had happened. Funnily I have not seen the treasure map since Pirate Pete left on his adventure with Rusty the Six Legged Steam Powered Dog that dad made.

The Dog thinks that Pirate Pete sold the map to MI6 and the CIA so he could buy a flash ship like Captain Nessman of the High Seas has. And the Secret Service has invented a cover story to run off with Captain Flint the Parrot’s stash of Pirate gold and silver. Even mum thinks it is very likely so it must be true. The Parrot said he plans to take MI6 to court to get his booty back (that’s the silver not his shoes). But dad says if he tries he will end up with concrete booties and a trip to the lake so best to stay mum (that’s as in quiet not become a mum, he’s the wrong sex).

Well that’s it now; a squawking complaining parrot all night even with a pile of extra Brazil nuts.

A quite day of departures by Film People, Pirate People, Hamsters and Spies

It has been a quite day of departures as we approach the last couple of weeks of the School holidays when much will change and yet much will stay the same. who can tell

Today has seen the departure of Jim back to Hollywood everyone waved and said Cheerio and hopes all would go well with the new movie. He has transported his Hamsters to perform in Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, Where Jim thinks their Elvis tap dancing routine will make him millions. I asked Jim about his parents as they never came over but he says they made the mistake of sunbathing by the pool during the Alligators exercise time and although he did all he could to help it was difficult to operate the camera and save them. But the resulting film clips were used to great success to promote the Alligators in Hollywood movie and he says his parents will be on film for ever.        

Miss Fionaski is also flying off on her next mission having had all the evidence and fingerprints in her kitchen entirely painted over by one of her agents working under cover (dust covers I think).

Pirate Pete is also away today to sail the seven seas on a new epic adventure with his new sidekick Rusty the Robot Dog who has been made watertight and has been given Buoyancy. Pirate Pete thinks Rusty the Robot Dog will be a good sidekick as he has six legs and all their eight legs are steam powered. Mercedes will be returning to the Great Metropolis soon but her dad Mr Pickup is saying it is tough being a city banker in the city because the masses don’t like city bankers much. He said even the Chauffeur shouted at him when he explained to him that his (the Chauffeur’s) pension fund was now only worth £1:00 a day due to a slight error by Mr Pickups Investment company. 

........................................................................ A bit Later in time after some food and stuff


I think I have writers block yet again, and it is really not a good time to get it is it. I feel my diary has lost is witty edge and excitement maybe it is just too long. No too long is the wrong description, it is too thick just too many pages although it would be possible to use tiny tiny print if it were not for the fact the Ghost Writer is as blind as a bat even with his glasses on. And if it was printed big enough for him to read it would be 3000 pages long and a book binder’s nightmare.

You don’t get book binders much these days, but then you don’t get books like the oldie world real books with gold embossed lettering on the cover and leather on the side bit. I think as and when or if the book is published I will insist on a properly made limited edition with illuminated (? I think that’s right) letters and illustrations so it looked like an old Victorian diary. That would be very cool indeed.

Another thing that has gone down hill in quality in recent years is light bulbs, mum and dad say in the old days before we had 300 different types of fitting and it was just a big bayonet fitting a light bulb could last a year sometimes longer. These days they sometimes last a month, a week or even less. Even the expensive low energy light bulbs do not seem to last any longer which all of us think rather defeats the object, bearing in mind the extra energy and cost making them and then buying them.

Anyway I am working through the writers block ASAP so with luck I will be OK tomorrow. Sorry for all the rubbish in-between the good bits.   

the carnival in Montgomery, the Chicken and the Spy

I have always worried about repeating myself in my diary but ironically because it has been going for a whole year now (If you are reading the blog then you have missed the first six months) real life is now starting to repeat itself in reality. It is Montgomery Show and carnival today I got to see the carnival but not the show, after last year  they said AAAAuuuuuugggHHHHHHH at the gate and refused to let me in.

It was only a flesh wound and he recovered fine and the bouncy castle was eventually repaired I think. Still the number of floats seems to get fewer each year, these old small town traditions are dying out. And although there is still much interest in the biggest cucumber, the longest carrot and the largest number of potatoes grown in a bucket, sadly I think the days of such things are numbered.

I did take one photo at the carnival but it was not the carnival it was a really cool sixties era Mercedes Benz. Mercedes (my friend from London) of course is named after Mercedes (the car) so she thought it was very cool indeed. But it was not in the carnival parade which was a shame it should have been.

Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy came to see us today she was delivering chocolate chip cookie biscuits for the Ghost Writers birthday on the 29^th August, She is away on a mission so had to deliver them today. She was telling us that she had to spend ages looking for three white chickens earlier and one of them has changed into a cockerel after it was subjected to events which apparently must remain secret.   

Jim and the Film crew are packing to return to Hollywood to edit the movie and splice in the hero and an alien trapped on earth, Pirate Pete and Captain Flint the Parrot were shouting Splice the main Brace HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR ……….. HAR HAR. I think that is sort of the right idea but wrong and as Jim said its all done digitally using computers now. Captain Flint the Parrot threw Brazil nuts at Jim and said You’re just a modern trendy capitalist……….rubbish. Much to the satisfaction of Mercedes (the Girl not the Car) who threw a few extra Brazil nuts when Jim was distracted by Pirate Pete splicing rope together and Abseiling  out through a window onto the top of the film crews truck. He has heard rumour they may have chocolate coated bacon in the van to remind them of home, they are not good with porridge with a pinch of salt first thing in the morning.  

My very good friend Ian the Musical Hat Maker, rock star and all round nice bloke

Four hundred and eight mummified debutantes

Napoleon Beelzebub has had a request for a dozen mummified debutantes in a strange day glow fake orange tan colour wearing prom dresses in bright pink and purple sequins. Luckily Mum said that there was a big fashion show in the NEC that started yesterday which was the perfect place to find them. So we all went off to Birmingham and the NEC to find them. Mr Beelzebub said he better stay at the shop because he finds fashion shows very depressing particularly the underwear catwalk show (he was right YUK)

It was like the old saying “you don’t see a mummified debutant in a strange day glow fake orange tan colour wearing a prom dress in bright pink and purple sequins for ages and them four hundred and eight all come along at the same time”. As it happens this was quite convenient and Pirate Pete and the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog threw at least twenty in the back of the van. And although we did not need that many Pirate Pete said he might take one or two with him when he sets sail in the next few days. He said mummified debutants make great crew and brighten up the dullest of days with all that colour and stuff.

Anyway we are all off yet again tonight to celebrate Big Bill’s (of Big Bills Greasy Fur ball Café fame) birthday at a secret location which is located in a secret place, which means it really hard to find because it’s secret. Mum just said IDIOT that’s not fair she is the one who told me it was a secret; OK she just said it was a secret until I emailed Big Bill and asked him about the secret. Mum has said IDIOT again.

Today is a very special day because one year ago today is the first official day of my diary as a manuscript, a lot has happened since then and I now spell better (that’s spell as in words not as in Harry Potter waving a stick about). The dog and mum are saying my spelling is rubbish even now and it is a wonder the Ukrainians and other nationalities that do read the diary can make any sense of it. No one told me it had to make sense.

Captain Nessman of the High Seas, and Mercedes and the Financial Times

After seeing Auntie Karen and Ian the Musical Hat Maker yesterday I was pleased to hear from Captain Nessman of the High Seas he is doing extremely well. Although it was a short message and he said he was learning Chinese and his plans are all going as planned which is what is meant to happen with plans. He is in a new world although I am not sure where it is.  

Back in Montgomery I have been sat on top of the big hedge again cutting it, in fact I had several pallets on the top so I could walk up and down to cut the edges, Mercedes could see me on top of the hedge from Mr Jenkins side of the hedge so she came round and helped by cutting the lawn saying that the workers must maintain unity in the face of creeping corporate capitalism (I don’t think that was a reference to the hedge growing). It did not help that both the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog were sat in deckchairs watching us while reading the Financial Times and texting Mercedes’s dad about stocks and shares and investment portfolio’s.  In the end Mercedes ran over the Financial Times with the lawn mower and called the dogs Capitalist ************ dogs to which they said WOOF and fell about laughing. Mercedes said they were IDIOTS.

After Captain Nessman being in contact and the comments yesterday about a deceased budgie Pirate Pete is pining for the fjords and told us all he plans to return to sea and new adventures somewhere in volume two of my diary. Captain Flint the Parrot is complaining now he says that the references to a deceased parrot are in bad taste and we should have used the spam sketch.

Jim is still exploring the woods with his film crew although apparently several more of them have been eaten; Jim blames the mix up on Transatlantic English Language and the wildlife in the wood appears to all speak old English and for some reason don’t like him and the film crew. It does not help that the film crew have taken to driving about in the Hummer again because they find the woods scary. Mercedes has said Jim has turned into a brash Hollywood Capitalist ********* and says he is an IDIOT. Mum says she likes Mercedes and agrees that Jim is an IDIOT although the dog has pointed out he has very talented Hamsters.  

The Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine, Iron Bru and Russian Vodka

The Ghost writer was in his grey office today, so he is no help tonight just a pitiful zombie whimpering on a log in the wood saying things about the continuing cycle of grey each week and the trap created by powers unknown that have created the unending process of the decedent western society we live in and that the entire world wants to live in.

 I have told him to paint his office a rather nice pink and green mottled pattern with seagulls on it, but he is not allowed it must be grey.

Me and the dog tried busking in the wood today but all we got were a few leaves from some passing squirrels and a silver key from a magpie. I am sure the silver key came from our house when the magpies tried to raid it earlier in the book (or the block buster film); maybe he got bored of it after all what would a magpie do with a grimble-spin key. Dad might be pleased to get it back he has not been able to wind the grimble-spin up for a long time and mum assumed dad had lost the key. She was quite pleased to tell the truth it can be very noisy and all that swaying about can make you feel a bit seasick particularly at night when the lights glow and the mist drifts out the top of it. I will give it back to dad a bit later (the grimble-spin key not the mist).

I have asked the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine about the future what with all the house moving and other things going on and it says it is feeling very optimistic. Firstly it is ages since it had the chance to say much having been in my super cylindrical copper office/shed in at the bottom of the garden having to listen to the Grumbling Child trapped in The Pit of Doom. And secondly that things are looking very bright for the future and he thinks that everyone will be buying the book or watching the movie and saying that was rubbish I demand my money back while dad fends them off with the flame thrower and the dog and Pirate Pete eat frozen turkeys and drinks Iron Bru and Russian Vodka purchased with the royalties from the sale of the publishing rights from my diary.  He even thinks all will turn out well for the Ghost Writer who will grow organic potatoes and make really healthy Chip Butties with freshly baked crusty bread and butter straight from the cow (not sure which cow there are lots?). And appear on talk shows where mum can shout IDIOT at him as he tells a pack of lies about how he thought up the whole idea himself. 

Karen Gomm                 I've always loved the word grimble, what does it actually mean?

If you look grimble up it says little although it was a book with something of a parallel line of thought to that of certain other people the grimble-spin is an eccentric machine that achieves nothing in the most complex an inefficient way. A bit like me so for example one could call the government of the day a grimble-spin or grimble-spinners

Thirty Computers in a Fiat Multipla and Russian roulette with a catapult

The Ghost Writer had to collect thirty PC’s today so I said I would help him, He has to set them up for the grey office and some other grey offices. It was jolly hard work we had to carry everything about 100yards through all these corridors with dust and workers in to get everything to the car. And it was very hot at the time and everyone else vanished, so no help.

The Ghost Writer said it happens all the time people tend to vanish when there is something heavy to carry. He even tried to prove it too me by shouting free ice creams while waving ice creams above his head. Well there were suddenly lots of people all over the place, but when he said OK lets move all these heavy PC’s they all ran off. He grumbled for a bit then.  It’s the Ghost Writer who owns the Fiat MultiPla and once it was loaded up with 31 PC’s and all the associated stuff it was well down on the suspension. He was planning on trying to get forty of them in the car but decided that because we had to drive over a whole series of speed humps to get off the premises maybe thirty was the limit. Anyway we got them all back to his house fine, the car was well impressive with all that lot in the back but of course we had to take it all out at the other end. And although the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog came to help they said they did not have hands, only paws and it is not possible to hold PC’s with paws. The ghost writer was grumbling again and said they manage to hold ice creams, in fact they managed to eat all the ice cream while me and the Ghost Writer got all the stuff out of the car and into the house.

As you might expect the Ghost Writer was well angry then and was leaping about shouting about the dogs eating all his ice cream so me and the dogs thought it best to go home then where mum gave us all ice cream for helping the Ghost Writer. We thought it best not to say he was in a strop and waving his arms about but mum did happen to mention that a giant flock of ants had stolen his ice cream last night and he had gone off  to the shops this morning for fresh supplies. It also appears he gave chase to the ants last night but a huge creature ended up chasing him. So all his plans of late have not gone entirely to plan.

Anyway I am exhausted now, the Ghost Writer is exhausted, the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog are exhausted (from eating ice cream?) and Captain Flint the Parrot and Pirate Pete have headaches from playing Russian roulette with a catapult and Captain Flint’s Brazil nuts.

A herd of steam driven things and a hitch hiking Squirrel

What a lovely day it felt just like summer. Bit of a shock really but the law of averages and dimensioning exponentials when taking into account random elements such as that butterfly in the rain forest; that keeps starting all the storms in the Northern hemisphere. Would suggest that we should manage at least two or three days without rain. 

Punctuation has gone completely to pieces there but no one will notice in the movie, although they might in the book. Mum says most people don’t understand punctuation anymore, certainly me and the Ghost Writer don’t have a clue we just stick things in periodically. Mum said IDIOTS, the dog is now asking me about the periodic table and why am I doing physics and chemistry on my holiday when it’s sunny. NOT FAIR. I’m confused now.

I helped dad in the garden today we had a good tidy up and put some of Pirate Pete’s Steam powered things in the workshop because they were starting to form a herd and were moving round the garden eating the grass and hissing and whining and stuff. It was quite useful not having to cut the grass but mum objected to them eating all the flowers and shrubs. Pirate Pete says they were all proto-types for his own stream powered parrot since he is not allowed to have Captain Flint the parrot. He has not built the final version yet so we all await with interest as some of the proto-types are six feet tall and must weigh at least three tons.

We hade a takeaway curry on the patio tonight as it is still warm with loads of Moroccan lanterns and candles (We didn’t eat the lanterns and candles) so it looked very cool. And we saw a happy looking squirrel on the road just outside the house when we picked up the takeaway; I think he was hitch hiking. The dog said the squirrel must be nuts to hitch hike these days but then fell about laughing. Mum said IDIOT but I don’t really know if she means the squirrel or the dog.   

The big party and the rare goat eating tarantula spider

I have been invited to a big party today so my diary entry will be dependent on events and timing and how much rain falls today. Right now it is very sunny so with luck. Dad has loaded up the car with things and will be heading off into the dark blue yonder to set up soon. Pirate Pete wants to take his harpoon gun to catch wild Haggis in the hills. . . . . . . . .We will see what the day brings?

Flooding one day, hot sun the next. Dad says its delayed response to his Weather Machine; he says its turbo lag....

................................................................a bit later.

Stage one is now complete tents, barbeques, bunting, supplies, food and drinks and various other stuff. We have popped home for a chill as it was hard work setting all that up it is still very hot and sunny. Dad said he could set up his Weather Machine again to cool it down a bit but mum said NO. It is a fortieth  birthday surprise party always a risk because there is always a chance the person whose birthday it is might decide to do something on their birthday and not arrive. Dad said this is OK because if that happens we don’t tell them we have had a surprise party and we all get to eat more and keep all the presents, mum said IDIOT.

Pirate Pete said he would quite like to keep the rare goat eating tarantula spider he bought on eBay. Mum thinks it will certainly be the present that has the most impact but has advised Pirate Pete to keep it in its crate until the end of the evening, as it might eat the small children.

Anyway we will be heading back in a short while once we load up the trailer with the tarantula spider; the big padlocks and chain are just a precautionary measure.

........................................................... A bit later Still

Well we have returned a little earlier than planned but dad recons they were all the wrong age group and from south of Watford gap. In fact I think dad was being grumpy because he was the oldest their, someone said he could pretend to be younger but he likes being old and grumpy. I must admit the music was not really us either we like more guitar based bands like Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, AC/DC even punk or Weather Report but definitely not modern fake bubblegum  rap and pop.

Still the food was really good and everyone was happy right up to the point that Miss Jo opened the crate with Pirate Pete’s present in. It might have been better if Pirate Pete had fed the goat eating tarantula spider before we went then it might not have lunged at a little girl or eaten a substantial percentage of the barbecued ribs. That led to a lot of screaming and then a complaint from a neighbour and the arrival of the police, and it was rather a small police dog and did look a bit like a goat. After all our dog and Rusty the Robot dog are OK but the dog is huge and Rusty apparently has lasers fitted.

So we left and have arrived home just in time for midnight. Pirate Pete is happy because he had to bring the goat eating tarantula spider back although it is quite happy now having eaten the police dog and possibly a child but in the chaos who could tell. Mum says it may need to go to a zoo as it is possibly a bit dangerous and the police are a little unset.

lanzarote and the rain machine

What a wet day we kept having flash floods on the roads so getting home on the bus took ages but at home dad had his weather machine out again. Me and mum have learnt to hide when he gets it out, although Pirate Pete says it is great as interesting things happen when it is switched on.  Dad said it would stop the rain but the dog fell about in hysterics and was rolling about on his back in the mud.

So we all watched dad and Pirate Pete start it up in the rain but nothing much happened except the rain got a bit heavier and the clouds a bit darker Pirate Pete was just starting to say it was turning into a bit of an anticlimax when there was a huge flash and a bang of thunder and Mr Jenkins screamed. It was quite understandable because the lightning struck his umbrella which vanished in a cloud of vapour, Mr Jenkins was not happy as he said it was his souvenir of lazaretto? No that’s not right I mean lanzarote. Pirate Pete said he has been in a lazaretto when he was on an old pirate ship and got covered in huge weeping blue spots.

After several large flashes and loads of thunder which created several fireballs in the street which in turn stampeded the sheep in the field near the house? Resulting in them running down the main street and into a local butchers shop. Dad turned the weather machine off, and things are now back to normal. Well sort of we still very heavy rain and flash flooding. The main difference now is that the flock of sheep are protesting in the high street outside the butchers shop and have complained that they have been commercialized under the false pretext of supplying wool for jumpers. And that when their mates suddenly vanished they had gone to retire in lanzarote and eat ice cream.

Mr Jenkins said he has never seen sheep in lanzarote just a lot of rather nice souvenir umbrellas but mum said IDIOT

The dog that eats cars and a game of tennis

Well everything was very quiet today until at school I was told they wanted me to go and take a huge big growling monster of a dog off the road that had been chewing cars. They said they thought I could do it because the dog is huge and growls, but is not as big as Pythagoras the Dog and it cant speak Latin or do Maths, just growl at people and eat them.

That was not very fair I didn’t want to be eaten by a big dog but as it turned out it was a big soft dog that looked very scary and only eats cars and people because it is a bit bored and hot. So I was given some rope for a lead and once it had that on just wandered about following me in school while the other pupils screamed and ran off in the other direction. Anyway its owner turned up in the end and said it had eaten its cage but big dogs do that sometimes. And as it happens so do rabbits which are very good at eating cages. We once had rabbits called Ruby and Doris and they specialized in eating themselves out of cages even when dad made cast iron cages with multiple padlocks and electric fencing. They used to like to eat plants but only the inch nearest the ground even if the plants were ten feet tall. so they were not very popular with Mr Jenkins next door or his cat Fluffy as they ate Fluffy the Cat’s bed on the assumption it looked like a cage.

The dog has now gone home, as I have and the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog are playing tennis. I think Rusty the Robot dog might be winning but the dog thinks it’s because it has the advantage of six legs.

Captain Flint the Parrot is the umpire and Pirate Pete is the ball boy and me, mum and dad, Mr and Mrs Jenkins, Heavy Harry the Cat and Fluffy the Cat are watching and eating strawberries and cream. To tell the truth I’m eating hot sausage rolls and cream (Yum) and Sooty the Cat is hanging off the bunting but then he is only little and due to recent operation is not very keen on ball sports.  

Skeletons in Cupboards

Back to school today in the bus and the bus driver found the school OK so we started off with English and the teacher talking about the concept of Skeletons in the Cupboard. (Not sure If he has talked about them before or not, but we don’t mind). Anyway I told him about Pirate Pete who has several Skeletons in his cupboard. He has showed me them so I know it’s true.

I told the teacher they were old sailing friends of Pirate Pete’s. He was hoping to get them mummified like the mummified poets that Mercedes collected, but sadly he was unable to get to land in time and so his friends became skeletons instead but he says they are very useful for hanging his clothes on and rib cages make great tie racks. I asked dad after school if he would be a tie rack for me when I am older but he said ***** **** ********* ******  NO *******.

Anyway apparently the English teacher was talking about some other type of skeleton but I got the hang of it after he said it was like the headmaster and his wife who run about in the park on Christmas day with no clothes on, and Boo written in permanent marker pen on their bums.  So I said is it like dad growing all the plants in the cellar with all the foil on the walls and the big lamps but as I told the class the English teacher comes to see dad regularly to get plants from dad so he knows that. The English teacher was a bit worried because George who sits and the back of the class takes notes in a little notebook about all sorts of things for his dad who is a policeman. But I told the teacher that Georges dad takes bribes from Benny Neckbender once a month in a plain brown envelope all in used ten pound notes, which made Goerge cry?  In the end the teacher changed the subject to Shakespeare but I said he used a ghost writer, (Or was it a type writer).

In the afternoon in Metalwork I made a tie rack. The teacher said it was very unusual and that the skull was very life like so I got a gold star. I have taken it home now and put it in my cupboard so have told mum and dad I have a skeleton in my cupboard but mum said IDIOT.

Sooty the Cat is off to the vet first thing in the morning to have parts removed, we have requested that it also has its meow removed before it drives us mad. We hope to collect him tomorrow evening if all goes to plan.

Curry for tea tonight YUM.

The fun fair and the rivers of molten rock

Thursday morning on fair day with an election polling station by it, and the school bus trying to get all the pupils while the bin truck reverses up the road because all the cars that are normally parked in the main square are all parked along both sides of the road. And behind the bin truck are the two recycling trucks. There were also loads of cars and little old ladies trying to get to the polling station to vote. The cars don’t vote by the way.

It was all very interesting and it was predictably chaotic but the strange thing was the fair was  set up in the main square and there was nobody there. I think because it is almost impossible for anyone to have got in the main square this morning and all the fair folk (not as in those with blonde hair) were sleeping after setting up the fair last night after they had scared all the motorists away. I will not be going to the fair this year it is not like it used to be and it costs loads for what is a ten second ride on a not very exciting thing.  Pirate Pete said he will go because he wants candy floss and is planning to win goldfish by hooking the duck only he said he might just threaten the stall holder with his cutlass and save all the goldfish. He was planning to save all the ducks too but we have explained they are not real ducks because it would be much more fun then. One bad thing about the fair is they are still playing very bad eighties pop very loudly, it really annoys dad he thinks they have chosen the music on purpose just to annoy him. Pirate Pete said he hasn’t heard any eighties music as he was at sea for the whole of the 1780’s and the 1880’s and even the 1980’s, that seems a  long time but then he is a pirate.

I noticed when I got home from school there were a few more things set up in the square than this morning but they are mainly for very small children. Although they did have a climbing wall but it has hand holds all over it so it is far too easy and I can climb the North face of Mr Jenkins house for free, I just get shouted at a bit by Mr and Mrs Jenkins

Bacon, Pancake and Maple syrup sandwiches for lunch at school today YUMMY. By the way I forgot to mention that Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop has been closed for two days now. Mum said one of people due to go to the lowest floor of his cellar has turned up unexpectedly and he is filling in paperwork with him who must be obeyed and showing the person around all the nasty bits. Well it will take Mr Beelzebub’s mind off the fun fair so there will be no thunderbolts or rivers of molten rock this year so definitely not as exciting and another good reason not to go.

With all the talk of Bin Laden over the last few days it seems rather ironic to see a Laden Bin truck this morning.

The Cormorant and the Einstein Cube

Well it was a bit of a shock but school started again today so it was a whole day of Maths, Physics, Geography, Computer Studies, History, Chemistry, Humanities, Latin, Biology, French, Religious Studies and English.  Plus five aside football and a two hundred metre race in the swimming pool. I don’t know about everyone else but it seemed a lot for my first day back.

I was using my Einstein Cube to leap from class to Class and save me walking all over school, when I was talking to one of my friends on the bus going home he said he only did four of the lessons and it took him all day to do them. I think the Einstein Cube must have been doing something odd which might explain why I had three lunch times; that was good Yummy. Anyway I  asked mum and dad about it when I got home but mum said O god no you sound like that ******* Harry potter again ******, dad told mum off for swearing then but she hit him with the armadillo toaster. They were much happier then and said things like that don’t happen in Harry Potter in fact they don’t even have a toaster (I think?)

Pirate Pete is missing his Wood Mouse and is planning to get a new pet. He asked mum about a Cormorant but mum said if he walks around with a Cormorant on his shoulders we are then going to look like a Monty Python script with Mr and Mrs Jenkins peering over the fence shouting a cormorant, a cormorant ??? very loudly while the Cormorant keeps repeating Polly wants a fish cake.

Anyway after a long chat with Pirate Pete we have decided to make this an interactive diary and give you all the opportunity to suggest a new pet for Pirate Pete. Which will be built into the story over the next few weeks or until Pirate Pete gets bored and sells it to the pet shop. If by any chance you are watching the interactive block buster movie please make your choice and press the button NOW. Mum has just said IDIOT.

Fiona Knight                How about a python named pythagorus who is frightened of triangles and talks with a slight lisp in the language of algebra? At least if Pirate Pete was to keep him he would have a lovely scarf for winter.

Paul Nessman               I think that Pirate Pete might benefit from having a pet Houyhnhnm (hwin-im)...but maybe not, as Houyhnhnms are more companions than anything else. I would suggest a pet yahoo, but they are very smelly and vulgar.

You are a very clever man Captain Nessman of the High Seas but like Gulliver you are well travelled and know these things. But alas it would be difficult for a horse to sit on Pirate Pete shoulders and he says he does nay want one. As for a Python Miss Fionaski we are aware of cunning ways of dancing with pythons and although Pirate Pete thinks it is a good idea mum says he would give away too many secrets during the exotic dance of the python. Particularly after a few rums, that’s Pirate Pete not you or the Python. And as dad points out Montgomery (Monty) needs a Python like a hole in the head or a pylon in the valley to end on a more topical note.

 

The May Bug, the CIA, the takeaway curry and GOD

May is the month of the May Bug, they are incredibly stupid insects that do everything rather badly they fly at night and navigate by the moon only they spend there nights crashing into windows a lot. Then when they do get in to your house they run out of steam mid flight and fall usually on your head. For that reason they are rather unpopular.

Last night was the first night of May Bugs for us and they were bashing the windows loads. Mum is not really a fan of May Bugs because one once fell in her coffee while she was drinking it, it then fell in her soup and finally froze to death negotiating a large scoop of ice-cream while she was trying to eat that. Dad says they are real bugs planted by the CIA because he hit one once and it fused and loads of microchips fell out of it and it had property of the US government on the bottom.  The dog insists they are Gods way of proving Charles Darwin was wrong because they have evolved into a rubbish design over the millions of years they have been around. So God is sort of saying HAR HAR HAR a bit like Pirate Pete really; although I think I should point out Pirate Pete is not God even if he tells you he is, which he sometimes does after drinking quite a lot of rum from his illegal still in the cellar which I am still not allowed to mention. AH.

Me and the dog went looking for the May Bugs today but only found the one picture included. I don’t think they can eat so they have a very short life, dad says that just proves his theory but mum said IDIOT. So for a few nights now it will be a case of shutting all the windows once it’s dark or they will be all over the place, Pirate Pete is wondering if he could train one to say pieces of eight and pretty Polly but we have all said IDIOT now.

The ghost writer by the way said he has been on his feet a lot today and they are a bit on the sore side and now plans to rest and have a takeaway curry for his dinner. NOT FAIR I think I will go and lie on the kitchen floor with the dog and if we both howl loudly and point at the takeaway menu a lot maybe we will get one. YUMMY

DIY and the huge Rubiks cube and a man from the RAC

Well an interesting day again very warm indeed I think summer is confused and has turned up at the wrong time. Dad started the day working on the new office again and moving all the electrics etc so Chris the Builder can start work tomorrow, well it was going to be tomorrow but it will be Tuesday now due to technical problems.

Dad was swearing a lot but mum threw the armadillo toaster at him on the grounds it was Sunday morning and Goths don’t swear on Sundays. But some of the pressure if off a bit now due to the delay in Chris the Builder coming. Both mum and dad had to go to Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop in the afternoon to help and do things, even the ghost writer was there. But he was having a bit a problem with that silly bubble car thing of his and had to call the RAC man to come and save him. He told us the RAC man said he was driving his car wrong and he has to drive it a bit more like a boy racer; he said if he did it would do more miles to the gallon. The ghost writer doesn’t want to drive like a boy race and thinks NOT FAIR.

Mum then had a man come into Mr Beelzebub’s shop who said he was a vegetarian by proxy and that he eats only animals that eat grass. I don’t think mum approves of that she’s vegetarian and she said you can’t be a vegetarian by proxy but the man said he thought it was a very logical idea.

Me and Pirate Pete we being useful today by dismantling the old office but dad builds things in a strange way so it is like dismantling a huge Rubiks cube only Pirate Pete doesn’t know what a Rubiks cube is and I have never been able to do one. The only thing in our favour is we were on the inside to do it, Pirate Pete was using his cutlass but I was using a screwdriver, Pirate Pete thought using a screwdriver was very silly because a cutlass if much faster. He was right but I had to keep ducking a lot, he is very enthusiastic with a cutlass.

I’m not sure all this DIY is good for my book I think we need more excitement but as you will all know diaries rely on real life even mine so we do need to send the ghost writer off abseiling and fighting lions with bear hands. The Ghost writer is saying NOT FAIR again now.