The shape of hospital cardboard and the face of Halloween and other stuff

The Big Storm has vanished off into Europe although there is little news of it now here in the UK, I feel over here is was a bit over hyped and so has vanished off the national news already. However my mind was focused on the more worrying thought of the dentist when I woke up this morning. Which was made even more scary by the news when we arrived at the dentist that our trusty family dentist of almost thirty five years has retired and run off. This was not welcome news and we did point out that turning up to see your faithful trusted dentist is one thing, but to arrive and be told Oooooo he has run off you will be see a totally new chap is as the old saying goes NOT CRICKET. Yes it is one of those saying again that makes no sense as it is plainly clear cricket and the dentist are not the same thing, even if both involve bats and drills.

I have to say my computers spell checker is very annoying tonight as it keeps informing me that my use of punctuation and comprehension is quite frankly rubbish, I have tried to point out that in fact this is part of the character of my diary, but it does not seen to comprehend that concept (a bit ironic if you ask me . . . .AH you did not).

This afternoon we ventured back into town to see Mr M who was looking a bit weaker today and was tired. He had a selection of cardboard things which as we know allow patients to do things like wee, poo and be sick in, or throw at seagulls should they venture in. So to cheer Mr M up I drew a whole selection of Halloween characters on these, as it happens the pee pots make brilliant heads and you can draw a smiley face on one side and a growling face on the other. I do have one useful tip to anyone else planning on doing this to cheer folk up in hospital, it is best to check all the various cardboard items before you turn them upside down to draw on them. . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN.

All our trips out today have been conducted in a very very hot car, you see dad said that we need to dry out the inside of the car after yesterdays leaking sun roof incident in order to stop the car windscreen steaming up with condensation.  The car does have a very good heater and the car is almost dry again but it was hot in there for a while . . . . .PHEW.

As you can tell I am now home again and need to go and draw a quick picture for tonight’s diary entry, I will give myself half an hour and see what I come up with as a little challenge.

PHEW . . . . . . . . . .DONE

Auld Lang Syne and the end of the year for the Wiley Fox and a bin at IKEA

So here we are on the last day of 2012 and we all know what that means, it means folk standing out on street corners shouting and letting off fireworks hugging strangers as they pass and singing that old traditional Scottish song that no one knows the words too. But luckily most folk are a bit merry and will not be aware that instead of singing the correct words they are singing

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never mmmmm to mmmmm?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-

For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne.

We'll mmmm  o' mmmm mmmm,

For auld lang syne.

Then every one will repeat this until they get bored and spot an urban fox chasing a pigeon, where upon the masses will abandon singing Auld Lang Syne staggering about in a mad linked hands dance and chase the fox shouting

I’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX MY DEAR,

IN A DUSTBIN AT IKEA

I’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX I BET,

Put Butter in his ear

Butter in his ear MY DEAR,

Put Butter in his ear

We’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX AND THEN WE’LL GET

Some Butter in his ear

O yes they all know the words then

So I have left a message with the foxes to avoid large crowds of people who look happy and not to spend the night raiding the Swedish meat balls in the bins of IKEA. And don’t go anywhere near people with tubs of butter

I would like to wish everyone a jolly happy new year and if you live in the UK I believe New Years Day is due to be sunny . . . . . . . . . . . WELL COOL 

If you do need to sing and chase urban foxes then here are the words to Auld Lang Syne rather than a foxy based one which would be a bit of a give away…..

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne.

We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint stowp!

And surely I'll be mine!

And we'll tak a cup o'kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

We twa hae run about the braes,

And pou'd the gowans fine;

But we've wander'd mony a weary fit,

Sin' auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn,

Frae morning sun till dine;

But seas between us braid hae roar'd

Sin' auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

And there's a hand, my trusty fere!

And gie's a hand o' thine!

And we'll tak a right gude-willie waught,

For auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

All the best for 2013.

I think they kind of make my point about people knowing the words but still WELL COOL

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Old Father Time and Old Mother Hubbard, the badger and the mushrooms

I was sat minding my own business last night reading my instructions about how to grow mushrooms for the forthcoming mushroom competition with a few of my cyber friends and others who wont be my friend. When this old bloke with a long white beard turned up, saying HO HO HO BONG………….. WHAT? Well I told Santa he was too late and we have had Christmas, but he said he was not Santa (or Satan)

He was in fact some bloke called Old Father Time, a bit like Old Mother Hubbard, (the dog has always had mixed feelings about Old Mother Hubbard) so last night turned out to be the end of the year and now it’s a new one. Did I know that, I’m sure I did maybe I just sort of forgot as you do. We all went outside then to see if anyone was singing that song Auld Lang Syne, but no one was. I think when you live in the middle of a field it is something of a long shot to think it might be full of people singing, and badgers don’t sing and although foxes will sing (OK yes very badly) they tend not too when their mouths are full of rare breed chickens.

Today I was given an ipod shuffle which was Well Cool all I need to know now is how the hell to drive it? And we decided it was time for our Christmas tree to bite the dust, so it was chopped up and put into bite sized bags allowing us to burn in on the open fire while we roast chestnuts. As it happens we are roasting the chestnuts in the oven and the dog is singing Chestnuts roasting in an iron stovE with backing by the cats. We have tried to throw stuff at them but to no avail (What is an avail anyway and where has it gone?).

Finally just to say stage one of the mushroom growing is done so let battle commence HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR. That was probably the wrong kind of laugh for mushroom growing, dad said it is more HE HE HE H EHEHEH HE HE HEH HE HE HE although mum has hit him with the Armadillo toaster now? ….  

The Thesis on the Nature of Urban Society and why termites will eat Granny in the IKEA car park

Although today is/was Tuesday and I should have been at school I was allowed to go to IKEA. There were two reasons for this; the first was, as I explained to the headmaster a great opportunity to observe shoppers as part of my Thesis on the Nature of Urban Society, showing how the life of Social Insects can be reflected in the design and construction of large urban developments, in this case IKEA.

  

The second reason of course is mum is very scary, so the headmaster was happy to agree bearing in mind the dog, dad and the flame thrower were in the car staring at him through the window of his office. 

The reason for the trip to IKEA was to obtain bookshelves for all our stuff including a large number of books, plus a variety of other items such as lights. IKEA have a cunning plan that involves selling little trinkets round the shop so everyone goes Ooooooooo look its only two pounds and OOoooooo I might get one of them, so by the time you arrive at the checkout with three trolley loads of stuff you hadn’t planned on buying you are forced back in to buy even more shelves.  This is the nature of consumerism and the even expanding tentacles of capitalism. Which brings me back to my thesis on the nature of urban society and the relationship with the insect societies such as Ants, Termites, Bees, etc. Just walk round IKEA and you know just how an ant feels, channelled and controlled your every purchase controlled even when you think you are in control of you own destiny.

Anyway as a result of my note taking and observations and occasional tut tuting as mum and dad loaded stuff into the trolley, we made it out of the shop with only a few extra things, unlike some. Who we left scratching their heads, deciding if they should leave the new deluxe flat pack dressing table or granny in the car park. Again we can relate this too nature, after all you never see an old ant or termite they are abandoned outside to fend for themselves left in preference for a new flat pack food store for the winter.  It is also of interest to note the perversity of nature in the urban society, that then results in the abandoned grannies ending up being eaten by termites. The dog says it is the cycle of life, and it does help to keep the car park clear of decaying grannies

Interestingly insects are much better at coping in their own urban environment because they don’t need arrows on their corridors to tell them which way to go, unlike shoppers in IKEA who even with arrows still get it wrong.  

We now have a whole load of flat pack bookcases to assemble and the dog has for some reason brought back an abandoned granny which he says he brought back for tea. Although personally I would have thought she was a bit chewy for him HA HA AH HAH HAHAHH Hah hahah hah hahahah hahhahh hahah hah ha ha ha hahah hahah HA ……….. Mum just said IDIOT that’s a bit unfair on granny, she hasn’t said anything yet.

The Extra Terrestrial and the Cats litter trays

The cats had to spend the day on their own; what with school, work, spying, making a large mechanical whined up extra terrestrial and various stuff like that, so it was high risk. Not that they could escape unless they fancied climbing the chimney. But that would have involved cooperation so that was not going to happen. No it was would they use the litter tray. And Phew they did, sort of; I think we need bigger litter trays.

The Ghost Writer says our classic 1970’s bungalow is somewhat out of character after many many many years of rickety creaking houses that are or were full of secret tunnels and haunted vaults with rattling chains.  Although mum would shout IDIOT at the dog when he was down in the vaults rattling the chains and going WOOOOOOoooooooooo and stuff (he didn’t say the word stuff, I mean stuff as in other noises). Anyway the Ghost Writer is still coming to see us and want’s to know when we plan to start growing our own chip butties. I am not sure about that, when do you plant a chip butty plant?

I still can’t find half the things I packed but the one good thing about this is it forces us all to keep unpacking the boxes to find the things we do need. I am finding things I didn’t even know I needed until I found them and then think; OOoooooooooo I might need that, which must have been what I thought when I put it in the box in the first place, I think.

Dad still can’t find the flame thrower, so the postman is safe for the moment and mum has not found the armadillo toaster, so dad is safe for the moment although mum has made a chart and is keeping a record of possible armadillo throwing opportunities as and when the toaster is found.

It also appears there are loads of Squirrels in the wood and someone has been teaching them Tip Toe through the Tulips by Tiny Tim. No one is happy about that

Ooooooo by the way we got a very nice postcard from Mr Jenkins from next door, well ex-next door and it said HA HAH Hah hah hah hah hah ah hah ahh hah hahah hahh hah hahah h hahhah hah ahahahahah ……YOU HAVE GONE …….  HA HA HA HA Hah hah ahh ah hahahh hahah ahah ahah hahh ha ha ha ……………… Mum just said IDIOT

The large mechanical whined up extra terrestrial says GRET YTU UYY WYWYT Y I I II II UGG……. by the way.  

The Unremarkable Pool of Muddy Water, homing cats and the lost Coco Pops

Saturday and I have spent the day in the garden exploring stuff. When I say stuff I refer to things in the garden and not the boxes from our old home which are full of stuff and on which was written STUFF in the end due to the general pressure of time; anyway, I am discussing the garden.

As you will all be aware right next to the house is the source of the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence, but today behind a hedge we found The Unremarkable Pool of Muddy Water. It was very exciting because it is where the black and white cows who live in the field like to come and drink, well sort of, bearing in mind it has rained all week and the last thing they wish to do is drink the intoxicating waters of The Unremarkable Pool of Muddy Water.

As it happens today was the first sunny day of our so far short stay at the new house (I say new but this is classic 1970’s bungalow) and as a result of the sun we had our first sunset. Mum and dad were well pleased it has been twenty eight years since they lived in a house where there was a sunset, as they have lived under the protective rocky hill on which Montgomery Castle was built in 1284 sometime in August about half past six I think although that may be entirely wrong, it may have been nearer eight HAHAHAHh hahah hah hahah hahahah hhah hahah hahahah hahhahah. Mum has just said IDIOT.

The nice little old lady who lived here was unable to prune trees, so some of them are a bit tall, so dad started to prune a couple near the house, He used explosives to sort of explode the tops off much to the amusement of the dog, but it did frighten next doors two pigs and mum called him an IDIOT too.

I also saw a small black cat that looks like Sooty the Cat and have discovered it is also called Sooty the Cat ………… AH. Well that will cheer up Harry the Cat who likes to beat up Sooty the Cat because there will be two Sooty the Cat’s now. Harry and Sooty will be back tomorrow morning to rejoin us (when I say rejoin I don’t mean they have to stick us together again, just that they will be home) but they have to stay inside for a few days to establish where home is. A bit like homing pigeons, only you cant race a homing cat  very well so it is not entirely the same as it happens and they don’t go COOOO more HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (that’s the Cats not the Pigeons).

Mum and dad say I am not allowed visitors until they can find things like plates, knives and Coco Pops and various other important things or we will all look like IDIOTS, well I am used to that.

BT, China, The first Poodle to climb Mount Everest and the burning of the church menu

Not that much happened today as everyone is well spaced out and all in all confused. The nice little old lady who did live in this house appears to have not let BT know she has moved, so we can’t have a new telephone number. But as things stand she is paying our telephone bill. The dog has asked if he could phone a Poodle friend in China who he met once on Mount Everest.

The Poodle had unfortunately been packed as fresh meat as a treat to celebrate the successful climb of Everest in 1924 by some British blokes. But when they unpacked the Poodle at the top of Everest the little beast did a runner seeing how he was still fresh and bouncy bearing in mind he had been carried to the top of Mount Everest. The Poodle told the dog these two men chased him round and round the top of the mountain for ages trying to stab him with a pointy stick with a Union Jack flag on it. As it happened the men were well exhausted and ran out of steam and then a blizzard started and they vanished leaving the poodle trying to work out how to get home.

However as luck would have it (for the poodle anyway) the dog was passing and dogs being dogs they had a chat and chewed a few bones, well a stick as it happens, as there was just the one with the flag attached to it.  The pair of them were then wandering down the mountain when they bumped into the two men, who on seeing the dog thought he was a Yeti, well he is huge with red eyes and big pointy teeth. So they ran off in the wrong direction again, despite the dog offering to help (why he did that in Latin is anyone’s guess, I think he thought if they were up there they must know Latin). Since then the Poodle and the dog have been friends although the Poodle decided to go to China as he was worried that a return to Britain might see him on someone’s dinner plate.  

Therefore the dog does like to phone the Poodle on the odd occasion to talk about old times and he thought, if a nice little old lady was going to pay, mum would be OK and let him use the phone. Mum has said NO and also added IDIOT.

One small and annoying thing about the timing of this move to a new house has been the fact the weather is rubbish. Dad even got us all a Chinese Takeaway on the way home to remind us of the Poodle and cheer us up, but it was rubbish too (the takeaway not the Poodle) although it did come from the Church, and not the Castle. And as mum said the Castle makes better Chinese than the Church, and has burnt the church menu ……….. It’s what all good Goths do I guess…

Chaos Theory, The laws of Reasoned Logic and the Room of Doom

I HAVE RETURNED……. Yes I am back just……. We are living in one of those sliding block puzzles where in order to get something, assuming anyone knows where it is; we need to move boxes. Yes I’m afraid it’s true the story is still full of boxes, much like the house. The only good thing is there is no pressure of emptying them………… Sort of?

I say sort of, because there is loads of good stuff in the boxes and we need it, I cant entirely remember exactly what it is that is in them, but it was all good stuff before it went in a box, so it must still be good stuff. 

Sadly we have lost the Pit of Doom and the Grumbling Child, but for now we have gained The Room of Doom where stuff goes when no one can remember where it should go, or the place it should go is still full of boxes with stuff in. I did say that it was a bit chaotic but the dog says that if he does the mathematics to see if it really is chaos, then it is not; as Chaos Theory would not lead to a logical outcome and according to the dog in five years time the new house will comply with The laws of Reasoned Logic (five years ……….AH). Mum says the dog is being pessimistic because it can’t find the box with the bones in.

We seem to be surrounded by twenty thousand Pheasants, loads of Chickens, a couple of Pigs. Cows, Sheep, and even a load of Ducks flew over earlier tonight, much to the amusement of the dog who shouted DUCK….. I did but mum said IDIOT.

So far the house has had mixed reaction as it does resemble the classic 70’s bungalow, but it is something of a maze and I have got lost a couple of times now. Anyway it will change in time, into something a little more interesting.  

Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat are on holiday in kennels in order to ensure they don’t do a runner as cats are fickle beasts at the best on times and some things they just don’t like. This includes moving house, they do need to know the sofa is not about to change rooms again or else they say O  ******** NO, I'M OFF.

Anyway is good to be back ………………